The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Susan- how was yesterday? How did the strike go? Know you are in a very tough spot. MIL starts moving today. She will only be 10 minutes from us, but not having her 24x7 negative presence will be a huge relief.

I know what you mean. I wake up worried about what to do with my mom. Besides pushing my buttons she is sometimes verbally abusive. I know she is scared and so am I/ She saw her mother in a nursing home and is scared my brother will be putting her in one. I wake up and toss and turn trying to turn my mind off. I just get a book and read until i fall asleep again. I don't know if this would help you though. Good luck and take care.

I wish, I would have found you guys sooner.
I have been taking care of the 86 year old, since 2006.
The POA's n this case obtained their powers, against their mother.
She had 5 children, the youngest lived in the 2 flat building, her home for 47 years.
At that time I thought I was going crazy. i was the upstairs neighbor, being abused by her children.
So, i reported them to senior abuse hotline for negligence, I was paying for her food and medicine, but they thought I was not doing anything. Big battle, a GAL later on, the court appointed a nurse social worker as the guardian, they sold her building, we now live in an apartment, in the end I am still the caregiver , but now have funds to take care of her. The POA's were her golden children, two oldest, they are also controlling and narcissistic, but they were useless in court after they sold the building, they were no longer in charge or POA and went for guardianship, they lost.

Nobody can make/force you take care of someone,
and if your husband is forcing you, you have rights.
if he is picking his father over you, you still have rights.

Susan26,

Wow! This FIL is horrible! He's really malicious!
We had a very similar situation last year, which was when mother's sister, a narcissist passed away. My sister lives there w/my mom, and aunt (while she was alive). My mom and aunt, had rental properties, which needed repairs. So my sister's boyfriend (plumber) at some point did some repairs for my aunt, since she was the main responsible Trustee of her's and mom's apartments. Our aunt was an extremely hateful woman. She also drove a wedge between my sister and her boyfriend. Honestly, I don't know why my sister also, knowing full well what that woman was like, would involve the beau, in any way shape or form to do work for our aunt. Apparently, my aunt really thought she had some kind of relationship w/the boyfriend via this arrangement. So when he'd come to the house, if my sis wasn't in the room, my aunt would say stuff like, "Oh, I want to talk to you about, Terry, (my sister). Of course she'd lie about her to her boyfriend. I don't think he believed any of it. But then my dysfunctional sister would dump it on him, saying or complaining that he was lending his ear to this. I know that he probably didn't know how/or what to do about it, and he was being cornered, by a mentally sick woman. Anyway, your story rang a bell with me.

It's really unfortunate that your husband doesn't take a stand, either on your behalf.
Well, I don't know more about your situation, but who would have to bear the responsibility here, if you didn't do what you do? This sounds beyond, not fair.
Maybe it's time for your husband, to pick up the slack and see how long he lasts.
O.K., I hope I'm not being too blunt! But your story really hit a nerve.

Thank you so much for the condolences for Vanilla. Much Love & Light!! Margeaux

Margeaux~Thank you for your kind words. I have too many emotions going on right now and I think I need to deal with that instead of rambling on which keeps those emotions on the surface. Letting things back off helps so I can think more clearly. I'll let you all know what happens on the 11th.

It will take you and your husband awhile to grieve your poor kitty. It is so hard to lose a pet and dealing with the neighbor's mind set doesn't help.

Take care and many hugs to everyone!!

susan26, good to read that you are going on strike and taking care of yourself by going to the gym! I think it is terrible when MILs and FILs want to be so possessive of their adult children. Yes it puts the spouses in a tough place, but that's where the rubber hits the road of the marriage vows. I think parents like that must not have wanted their son or daughter to have ever gotten married in the first place which is very selfish (narcissitic) and mean.

Hi Emjo,

Isn't it get a bit crazy when one must become some kind of a food detective?
I have to do this also, because I have sinus/allergies. The other night I know I probably had a reaction to soy sauce, which I'm in denial about, because I like it.

Thank you so much for the hug and condolences! I really appreciate that.
We were in shock on Monday, when it happened. But yesterday, it was so difficult. As I'd mentioned before, he and the neighbor shared custody of Vanilla.
That has been a whole history in and of itself. The reason the neighbor had the cat, to begin with is because my husband my husband brought Vanilla to live here many years ago. She's a narcissist, always first and foremost thinking of herself and her own agenda! All the while in the background of this drama, between she and my husband there's always been a definite air of competition.
He always maintained a relationship w/Vanilla, me too. We'd always have him here, and feed him and her other cat anytime she goes out of town. But she would be so possessive w/Vanilla. So yesterday, my husband and me were settling in with the reality of his passing. He logged onto FB. She'd posted a picture of Vanilla, and informed people of his passing. She referred to Vanilla as "her cat." Then one of our friends, commented, "I thought it was my husband's cat." Anyway, at seeing some pictures of Vanilla, and I believe reading this comment by the neighbor, I think really got to my husband. He cried, I did too.
He's not a crier. Anyway, it really annoyed me, that after all the consistent involvement, and after all, she didn't mention my husband. I guess it has never occurred to her, she wouldn't have had this lovely cat, were it not for my husband. He noticed the comment, but didn't dwell on it. I did!! Well, this is also after lots of complaints by her regarding the kitty. But I didn't draw any attention to it, either. Besides I don't participate on FB, exactly for that reason. I find it to be for some people a popularity contest. So I decided, that this is not what this is about, at least not in my world.

O.K., well I'm glad that on the back of this, my husband got a good prospect for work. He flies out of the country this evening. I've got to help him pack.
So I'll talk to you, later.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie, This is good for you. Besides, I don't think you are self absorbed at all. You visit here, not only to vent, but to give support and great advice, might I add.
I have had that similar experience regarding what you've said, about, "taking back feeling bad for your sister." It's really interesting, because sometimes I feel that the roles to a certain extent played in each of our families are opposite. My sister, is quite capable, and has been appointed DPOA, as well as MPOA of mom. But, she is controlling to the umpteenth degree. She likes to play hide the ball, in terms of info. Now if she shared more, it would foster an environment of cooperation, especially with me. In your situation, I'm hearing your sister probably has been quite capable, otherwise she probably wouldn't have had the kind of job she has. On that note, I am truly sorry about the details concerning recent events at her place of employment. But, she not being able to take care of the situation with the cancelation of your mom's insurance policy is just further proof, that your sister for whatever reason it is, is showing problems in being able to follow through. I realize also, that she does have some health problems. You are right, how can someone in her shoes fulfill the responsibilities she will have as the DPOA?
My brother (golden boy), used to be the DPOA and MPOA, for mom and her sister. They own rental property. He's another controller, also. But he isn't responsible like my sister is. So when, my sister and younger brother became renamed for the legal powers, they discovered tons of discrepancies regarding the rentals. Property taxes on these apparently hadn't been paid, thus mother and the narcissistic aunt, had been paying a penalty, on account of this. Apartments, were in complete dis-repair. The tenant in the house told my sister that three apts., were vacant for over 5 mos. The way mother and her sister set up their Living Will/Trusts seemed very convoluted. To this day, my sister even told me that a property my parents bought in the desert, was mysteriously sold. So we highly suspect that my brother and mother sold that property, but we do not know where that money went.
You have every right to get angry about this, Sharynmarie!
As in the case I just related to you about my brother, it is one thing when people who are assigned to handle such important issues, as an elder's finances is incapable, whether it be because a parent picked the wrong person, declining health. The point is, some people cannot handle the responsibility. However, when it is layered over, by people sending out the message, they don't want to communicate, or cannot see beyond the horizon, and deal w/the issue at hand, that is different. In the instance of my brother being in charge, I used to feel beside myself at times. It was my suspicion enormous amounts of money flew out of both mother's and aunt's bank accounts.

Now that my sister is in charge, even though I do have issues of control w/her, I do acknowledge she knows the administrative side of being the DPOA. She's the ultimate task master. Sometimes to her detriment, which gives me the ambiguous feelings. She too is second runner up to my brother in terms of being a golden child.
O.K., Sharynmarie, hang in there.
Thank you for the condolences, Much Love & Light!

Thank you! It is amazing what siblings choose to suddenly weigh in on when they provide no other/very little assistance and are from a long distance - by choice - supposedly to avoid family politics. It can be very sad and emotionally draining for the caregiver doing the day-to-day care.

Firstly, sorry for having such an absolute rant this morning. My Wits End, I have gone on strike. I haven't done any washing/cleaning/dishes all day. No supper is happily bubbling in the pot. They can have left overs for supper. (I made a huge pie yeseterday for supper, kind of outdid myself, and half of that is left over, so they can heat that up while I go off to gym). Cmag, Sharryn, mamoog, thank you for letting me just download somewhere and for being so kind and supportive.

I wrote my husband and my FIL a long letter and sent it via email, so that my FIL can see that I have told my husband everything. I am carrying my voice recorder around with me today and make a very big show of turning it on when he walks into the room. I have told him that we are now going to start videorecording how he treats me, and I will send it to his other son and my husband, so they can see how he behaves when no-one else is around.

I do feel for my husband, I am so aware that he is in such a tight space, and that he is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Last night I nearly flipped when he started sounding exactly like his dad, with his negative comments to me about the kids and my behaviour, and for the first time thought whether I wanted to grow old with this man if he had the potential to be so like his dad.

Such a minefield of issues this living with an elderly parent isn't it. All the things we think we have dealt with and overcome get pushed to exploding point when living with them. I am reminded of what an eastern Guru once said to his disciples... if you think you are enlightened, go and spend a month living with your parents. If you are still calm after a month, then maybe yes, you are enlightened.

If the Gurus consider this the ultimate test, then wow, .... no wonder its so stressful!

I read through ALL the comments, that are emailed to me, since I am new, I do not follow anyone person, nor do I intend to. I read and comment as i have time for.I am a caretaker of an 86 year old women and a college student. I am in my fifties and I do not have much time to devote to the website, but want to offer some support to people as i can.
If I ruffle anyone's feathers, it is not my intention, as I personally know, care giving or taking, is very time consuming job and can fray a persons nerves. I do not want it to continue to fray mine, which is how I came to this website, I feel better
knowing there are people in similar situations like me, so I do not feel isolated.

To the person who lost their pet cat,sharing in your grief, pets offer relief and ask for us just to love them, they always love us, it is so sad...
I hope everyone gets what ends they are searching for and the patience to make it through... and as far as I know, we all have unique situations, no one has a corner on the market for suffering, giving up or helping out, I wish everyone well...

My 86 year old (1st generation) went to the senior luncheon, which meets the first Tuesday of the month, she recognized all of her friends and they were so happy to see her. After the selling of her house against her will, and the unavailability to reach her by phone, her old friends thought she had passed.
They celebrated Fasching, a European Mardigra's, they all had so much fun.
There was a an eighty something that sported a union suit, with a two piece bikini, for the festivities, it was humorous and endearing, they had such a ball. I hope when i am that age that it will be me, having a blast, that is if I get there.

Susan- how distressing. A few weeks ago my husband and I had a terrible fight over the situation. We never fight. My husband was starting to sound like his mother with criticisms of me and our children. I just had it. I told him if we did not find alternate living arrangements, his mother may get her wish of living with just him. I absolutely will not subject our son to this on a permanent basis. My husband was very upset with me. I know in some respects it would be easier for him if I just let her have her way and have my son just suck it up. But, that is not righht. This is his childhood home. I know my husband is in a tough spot, and that is unfortunate. But, subjecting our family to continued verbal abuse is not an option. So, after that, I actively searched out places for her to live. She does not know the options presented to her came from me. Why is FIL living with you? Can he afford to live on his own? Have you looked into what is available.? You have to stand up for your children first. His behavior is abusive. Your husband is in a tough spot. See if you can present him with options and come up with a plan. Are you doing all the caring of FIL? I would consider going on strike. Let him cook his own meals. I have not been overly nice to MIL after particularly nasty behavior towards my son a few weeks ago. She knows I am not happy with her there, and that is just fine with me.

SharynMarie, it was not a renowned elder care facility, but an Elder Care Lawyer that I spoke with.
You are correct that at some point, we just can't handle it all anymore, but in this case, I have no other options.
As I stated, I will go ahead and send the required documentation to take the small annuity he has and use it for some respite and to help pay for his medications and bills. By doing this, my mother will be able to remain in the house and the estate remains in tact.
We'll just have to get up each day and see what our "new normal" every day. He has been doing down hill slowly ever since he moved in with us a year and a half ago. He's been hospitalized 4 times; 2 times he required a lengthy rehab stay after being dismissed from the hospital. The first time was for colon cancer and the placement of a permanent colostomy and the second time he went in with double pneumonia and wound up in congestive heart failure. I'm quite certain it won't be much longer before he winds up in the hospital again for something and we will just have to look at theses times and rehab as our time of respite, allowing someone else to look after his care.
S.

Susan, you are welcome to come vent all you want here. This is why we exist to listen to each other vent and to support each other. I can almost feel the pain contained in the words of your situation. I can't imagine how hateful your FIL's words felt when he said that breaking up your marriage made him happy. He's a sick, narcissistic man. I'm at lost over how many spouses seem to side with their parent against their spouse as if their spouse no longer exists although they are the one doing all of the caretaking. It sounds to me like you have reached a breaking point where something must give for your own well being and the well being of your children. You are in my prayers as you walk through this very pain filled time of your life.

Iam going to back away from things for awhile. I think I am hurting myself getting too involved. Hugs to everyone!

Susan- you are welcome to come here anytime you need to. I am sorry for all you are going thru right now. I know you are hurting and my heart goes out to you. Maybe once tempers have calmed, you and your husband can talk things thru. Let us know how you are doing. Hugs to you!

I have to vent otherwise I am going to kill him.

My marriage looks like its not going to survive this. I took my daughter to a family constellation session on Monday, for us to try and get perspective on how we can get through this, and sat and watched her crying her eyes out for 2 hours, because of how things are at home. I have tears in my eyes just writing this.

I come home, and FIL has been complaining about us again, the result of which being that husband takes FIL's side, which pushes me to mother lion mode trying to protect my kids. Hubby says my kids are selfish and intolerant and lacking compassion. If he could just see how his dad treats us...

Yesterday I asked FIL if he would do this to his other son and his wife to which he replied no, absolutely not. I was so angry I nearly hit him. He then takes himself off to hubby, complaining that I have kicked him out the house (not yet, but by God it is close) and he can't live with me like this, and hubby needs to make decisions please about his wife and family if he wants him to continue living there

So, long story short, Godawful fight last night, sleeping in separate rooms, and no speaking this morning. Tried to talk to FIL this morning, and he says: I will not talk to you and the kids I am not interested in anything you have to say, and starts to walk away. I said to him, you do realise you have broken this marriage almost irreparably don't you, how do you feel about that, to which he replied that it makes him happy.

happy?

How do I even begin to get over this? My husband is not speaking to me, my kids are distraught to the point of sobbing in front of strangers, I am so angry that I want to smack the man back to where he came from.

Sorry for venting, and also for being self absorbed in my own chaos, which probably is so small compared to everyone elses lives. I think I need to also serve the melted cheese and hot water tonight and call it supper :-) margeaux, I am sorry about your cat. :-(

How am I doing tonight? Well, for some reason I cannot wind down and go on to sleep when I go to bed and thus I'm up late again for a third night in a row. This is getting old.

I find myself both angered and depressed by some of the stories that I read on various threads.

lavender, sometimes one needs a therapist to help turn the buttons off for your mother planted them deeply in there long ago. Is your mother on any kind of depression medicine? Sounds like she's a pro at emotional blackmail and that is a tough one to block. There is a good book with that phrase in its title Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward. I wish you well in trying to detach with love for the sake of your own well being.

How are you all doing tonight? I have been having a hard time with my mom for the past few days. She has been pushing my buttons big time. I hide them from her but she keeps finding them. She cannot get in my car anymore so I cannot take her anywhere. This is getting on both our nerves. She has been playing bridge for years and because she cannot play she takes it out on me. She might be able to get in my car soon I hope. I cannot take the chance that she will fall trying to get in the car and hurt my back in the process. She told her frineds that she can play for Thusrday but she can't. When i bought my car she asked me to get one with fanny high seats. I did. Now I cant get her in it. She has cut off all communications with her friends. Now the bad part when I tell her how nasty she is being she turns it around and says that "You are tens time worse than that name you call me" Does anyone know how I can turn my buttons off?

Ok, dinner was not so bad. My husband helped her, so it was ok. I shouldn't make fun of the few dinners she has tried, because she always enjoyed cooking. She has, thankfully, only cooked 4 times in the 6 months she has been here. Tonight was the best by far. I think she has it in her head what she wants to make, and something just doesn't come out right. I know she can't help that. Just like the nightly questions on the tv remote. I have patience for that. But, not the mean and manipulative behavior that has been there as long as I have known her. That I cannot tolerate. But yes, you must have humor to get you through. So, the soup. I think there was a plan there, but it just was very, very bad. She diced a single chicken breast and then boiled it in a big stock pot. When the chicken was done cooking, she strained the pieces out and set aside for her salad at lunch the next day. I think she thought she had made chicken broth. But, the one breast in all that water, it looked and tasted like plain old water. When she cooks, she has always given each person their serving. You were never allowed to serve yourself. I always figured that was part of her very controlling personality. Anyway, that night, she had a bowl waiting for each one of us. My husband and son were already at the table. I went to get mine, and it was a bowl with a half a slice of monterey jack cheese. She told me to ladle the soup over it. As she told me this, she lifted the lid off the pot. All I could see was water. I was so confused. We all sat in slience and ate. When we were "done", my son thanked her for making dinner. As rough as she is on him, I thought that took alot for him to say. After she went to bed, he looked at me and said, "please tell me we have something else to eat." We quietly whipped him up a second dinner. I told my husband I was pretty sure there was a prisoner somewhere who ate better than we did that night :). Still, I really don't mind that stuff. She tried, and just has a hard time. The mean and nasty attitude though, I can't live like that. Night!

Thank you MyWitsEnd! I am looking forward to you having your house back and your son being able to who he is.. Cheese with boiling water...not even chicken or beef broth? Like I said... the continuing drama!!

Humor is good!!!

Stay tuned for the continuing drama of MyWitsEnd and the conclusions to the drama of Sharynmarie, Lol!!! I love the idea of a soap opera because if it was a fictional life drama instead of my life, how funny would that be!! Thank you Joan as always!! Take care of your health, I really appreciate you commenting when you have your own health to deal with. Hugs!!!

Suzanne~I am not sure what the renowned elder care is in Atlanta. Is that the same as Area Agency on Aging? I would call them to request a social worker to come out to your home to evaluate the situation. There comes a time when we must let go of a situation because it beyond our means. This does not mean we are giving up or have failed, it just means it is more than we can handle...we are only human. Hugs to you!!

Today was a true reality check. My father can no longer take his pills downstairs in the kitchen because he has missed his mouth or dropped some (without telling us) and then we find them on the floor, blood test strips and diabetes needles that go on the end of insulin pins that didn't quite make it to the trash can.......and it has happened too many times.
We or our grand daughter (2 1/2) could step on them. She could pick one of them up, thinking it was candy or even one of our pets.
I am quite aware that dementia patients require consistency and change is difficult, but we had to move them all upstairs, to his room ans ask him to take them there.
He had no problem when I told him why we were doing it, but wouldn't you know it, as soon as it was dinner time, he went upstairs and brought them down (everything) to take his blood sugar, insulin and pills! OMGolly!
I just don't know how much more I can take, but I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard spot!
I called a well renowned Elder Care here in the Atlanta area to ask for advice and an appointment.
I told them hat my doctor had diagnosed me with depression, my hubby suffered from manic depression and was 70% disabled, that cared for my grand daughter during the day and also took care of her mother, since she was still undergoing surgeries from her cancer and double mastectomy, that my mother (divorced from my father), but lives in the house because hers burnt down and she had no where to go. She suffers from rapid cycling bipolar disorder with a personality disorder and took care of her from afar.
I needed to know how I could place my father in a nursing home because that is what the doctor is suggesting and maintain caring for my mother in his home and not lose the house to the state once he passed away.
Georgia is an estate recovery state. I was told the only way I could do this was to purchase the home for at least 2/3 of the appraised value.
I am so bummed. I cannot afford the home without totally depleting my emergency fund and withdrawing all of my fathers annuity, that I hoped to take care of the old house with if something happened while my mother still lived there.
I was told the case was cut and dry and that was the way it was, nothing they could do to help and no since in even bothering to take my case.
I have no one else to turn to and nothing more that I can do.
We may go ahead and take the $$ out of the annuity/IRA based on his 100% disability and at least pay for a few weeks of respite and get away for a while.
My mother cannot live with me and know one else will allow her to live with either due to her horrible attitude and negativity. I know she's sick, but she believes she is just fine and everyone else is out to get her; oh yes, she suffers from paranoia too. She has nothing to her name, but the automobile we gave her several years ago and the rest of her SS goes through hands like water, and scratch offs. It's all part of the disability.
I would cry, but it wouldn't do any good and I've done enough of that.
I'm mentally exhausted, so I'll just bid everyone a good evening and call it an early night.
Saying my serenity prayer, brush my teeth, take my pills and go to sleep.
Wishing all of you well and hoping your tomorrow is filled with love, peace and lots of sunshine.
Suzanne

Margeaux~I am so sorry about Vanilla. Our pets give us something that is so special regarding conditional love that we don't always get from our family members. Hugs to you and Vanilla.

sharyn - I wouldn't worry about monopolizing the thread. Everyone is welcome to post when they want or need to. I read everything more than daily, but have just not had the energy to do as much posting as I have done sometimes. I am still working on finding out the dietary triggers to the fibromyalgia pain. Sugar, and, I think, some grains like buckwheat. Maybe I need to do a paleo diet. Chili did it to me the other day, so now I have to figure out what in the chili is the problem -tomatoes, peppers, beans, chili itself. I hadn't realised how bad the FM pain was till I got a sore back from being out too much yesterday. It was a piece of cake compared to the FM. I have had 2 days free now from FM pain, it so being very careful what I eat,

Anyway - I do agree thar your sis is perhaps not the best person to be handling mum's finances, and a professional would be a good way to go. I also agree that your sis should pay the $56.82, as her negligence caused this situation, It is not the amount but rather the principle. Sis's health is not good and it looks like this is probably too much for her - as seen at work too. I hope she is not developing dementia. It is one reason I would rather some professional was POA for mother. When I get a session of FM, I am not much good for anything, I can understand you being concerned about this coming between the two of you. It all seems to be landing on you. ((((((hugs))))

lovingmom - my mother is right in the edge of needing more than an ALF. She has home care coming in 4 times a day. I have wondered what will happen when/if she slides down more. You are right there are not many places for those who fall between an ALF and an NH. Some go into senior foster homes where they get more care than an ALF or an NH from what I can tell, and are of a home environment. I think they can be a good solution. I also think you are probably right that she needs an NH or more care than an ALF can give if the dementia is progressing, I don't know what the figures are about the number or % of people who get dementia. It does seem more than before though maybe it was not diagnosed as well before. i have wondered about that too, and what causes will be found, eventually. Our family seems to have avoided it largely though my father probably had vascular dementia associated with drinking,
Mywitsend - keeping everything crossed for you and prayers going up. I know "these people" can cause trouble to the last moment and beyond. Slices of cheese and boiled water - oh my goodness. That won't feed a growing boy, or any one else! I bet your son is looking forward to mum's (as opposed to grandma's)cooking. I am sure you all are looking forward to your home returning to normal.
Even if excuses come, move her things out anyway. Let her know she doesn't have the option of staying. People like her will push the limits. My mother once came west to visit, and told me when her plane was leaving to take her back east. We arranged our day to have lots of time to get her to the airport which was close to an hours drive away. When we were getting ready to leave she looked at her ticket and said she had made a mistake and the plane left 1/2 hour earlier. Well. that wasn't going to stop me! We hopped in the car, and I drove at break neck speed (my kids call me Nana Andretti anyway) to the airport, let mother out close to where she had to check in, found a good parking spot, and got into the airport just in time to see her disappearing through the gates. All she had to say was "It is lucky the police didn't catch you speeding," Aaaargh!!! Too many of these kind of incidents...

Take care all - Margeaux -thinking of you and Vanilla. Losing a pet is hard. sharyn, I wait for the next episode in your drama - you too Mywitsend You both are right in the middle of it.

((((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Emjo- thanks. MIL scheduled to move Friday. So far, she has not come up with an excuse not to. Keeping my fingers crossed she doesn't. It will be so nice to get the constant negativity out of the house. I have promised my son his favorite meals for a month! Tonight she is cooking. This is literally a crap shoot. Last time she "cooked", she served slices of cheese, topped with boiled water, which she called soup. She has always thought of herself as a great cook, and it has always been a hit or misss adventure.
Margeaux- so sorry about Vanilla. We had a cat who lived to 20 years. It was so sad to let her go.
SharynMarie- you have nothing to apologize for. Venting to people who offer support and don't judge is what this site is for.

Yes, we found out that assisted living is for those who need a little care, mostly food is cooked, clothing washed, cleaning their rooms, and some activities. As soon as my mom showed signs of dementia, we had to pay some extra to come in and give her her meds, and shower her. Then she had some falls, hospitalized and they didn't want her back. There are not many places for elderly who fall between assisted living and nursing home. I haven't found any. And now she really should stay in a nursing home because her dementia is getting worse quickly.
It is good to know that some long term care insurance does not cover dementia. Seems strange but good to know. How many people get dementia in old age? A lot,
from what I can tell.

Joan~thank you for your common sense logic. I hope all is going well with you regarding health and keeping the distance with you mother.

I must apologize to everyone because I know I have been very self absorbed with my mom right now. Please know I am reading your posts and hoping and praying for all to receive an outcome that is favorable and doable for you all♥

I talked with Sonja and she of course was vague because she can't come out and say something that would jeopardize her position. She is already pushing the line just talking with me. I think the best situation is if I can convince my sister to let a CPA or the bank handle our mom's finances. It's not that I think my sister will embezzle money...but...the money issue may tear us apart because I don't agree that she let our mom lose the rebate and now has to pay $56.82. Sis should have to pay this realistically.