The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I'm Cmag...I know how frustrating it can be when you cannot sleep. You just lie there and try NOT to look at the clock because every time you look at it - the time is moving so very slow. And you just lie there and resent Everybody who is sleeping and you cannot. And your mind is so active and not one bit sleepy....With all that said, I'm so sorry Cmag - I laughed at your reply comment to my hoping you get sleep.

Thanks Book, I'm still awake. Just could not fall asleep.

Ohhh..not familiar with bipolar. I hope you do get to sleep!

book, I don't think it is old age at 55 for I've been up to like 3 or 5 gone back to bed and slept till 8 or slept for a very long time.

One night, I could not get to sleep until around 3 am and I finally got to sleep and slept until past 1pm. I don't even feel tired tonight and I've been u[ 24 hours straight without even a nap. I don't think it is the addition of the thyroid med.

Now, if I can't sleep for two more nights straight, my psychiatrist is going to say that I'm entering a manic state of my bipolar disorder. I don't feel manic. I still feel depressed and am irritable, plus some parts of some days I have more energy to do things than others, but I can't wind down enough at night to sleep for my brain keeps thinking about random things. It is very important for people with bipolar disorder to have a stable sleep schedule and right now mine is off the hook!

I am going to try to go to bed and fall asleep.

Happy Valentines everyone!

Cmag - do you think one of the medications is giving you insomnia? Or maybe one is too strong? It's difficult to say. Can't be the Mrs because on your updated posts, the Mrs has been improving (walking-wise). And you have cut back on AC. So something else is triggering it....Then again, it could be old age. I read from articles that when we get older, the less sleep we need (Ha! That doesn't apply to us caregivers!) And that the older we get, the more we do NOT sleep as long as we used to. For me, insomnia is due to stress, not wanting to face tomorrows, medicine taken too close to bedtime, and drinking coffee in the afternoons. I hope you figure out your cause....

Joan, I'm doing fine...still getting up several times every morning to suction mom. She now chokes on her saliva even though I have her on the side. Her tongue kindof sticks out and blocks the passage of the saliva from the mouth out. I hope you're also hanging in there all in one piece. Later...

Hope you get more sleep soon. cmag. That must be very hard ti take.
(((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Just dropping by to say hi. I've had the worst time going on to sleep when I go to bed between 10 and 12. I'm not able to go to sleep until hours later on. This has been going on for a week or so and last night I did not sleep at all. I've called my doctor about this and expect her to call me back tomorrow. I've taken a step-back from AC due to some post triggering my own unresolved feelings. Thus, I've also been spending more time than usual in my "man cave."

Prayers, hugs and love to all.

alabama - I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is why I do not tell my brother anything, He does not call or come by and just make promises. Take Care

Thanks everyone. I have had no news about Gary's mum, but at least was able to leave a voice mail message on his cell phone today.
Sharyn - you are right - having both Gary and his dad in tears within a couple of days of one another did tug on my heart strings, They are usually stoic, and hold in emotions. However, I am glad they both felt safe enough to cry in my presence. It is a healthy outlet. I was most surprised at Gary's dad, as I have had so little contact with him, but at the same time pleased that he trusted me that much. Now he knows he can call anytime.
book - I think Gary is very stressed - guys like to take control of things, and these things can't be taken control of. I suspect he did go to see his mum, but, book, I cannot make that decision for him. She knows he loves her - he has been there for her and his dad many times - more than the other sons. They have a good relationship. His mum and dad accept me - the problem is really with the ex who controls the kids, but I can't do anything about that, so I have had to let it go.
I am at peace about, and will hear what is going on in due time. He has so much coming at him over work right now too. Major overload in many areas, I don't want to be an overload for him too. He, as I think with many other men, often needs to be left alone to deal with stress. Other times he will talk the hind leg off a donkey, and I listen. ;)
((((((((((((alabama))))))))) I am so sorry for the outcome and that you are going to have to keep dealing with this. I thought that there was a recomendation for someone out of the family to have "custody" - probably not the right term. It seems so wrong on many levels. I am glad you are appealing. It was not what your mu wanted at all, was it? (((((((((((hugs))))))))) keep in touch.
Hi to everyone else -hope you are doing reasonably well.
mywitsend - I bet you are enjoying the peace
susan - hope you have a place and a date for your fil to move out
margeaux, cmag, austin - how are you doing
mother is quiet, which is probably the calm before the storm, but I can't let it bother me
Taking my oldest grandson out for a meal tonight or tomorrow. He has moved up here and is looking for work.Nice to think about something else for a change.
everyone - let us know how you are ♥, hugs and prayers Joan

Just an update from me. The evil sibling won and my parent was declared incompetent. Now we are doing the appeal thing. Because my parent was declared incompetent, all of the costs for the proceedings are charged to parent's estate. This was done for retaliation. This was done so that an abusive sibling could continue their abuse of me and so that the elderly parent would lose all of their rights and be under the control of the evil sibling. The evil sibling also did an "extortion" type of demand with me....give me this, this and this, and I MIGHT give you visitation and a phone call. This case has a long way to go. But if any of you have this type of evil in your heart, STOP IT. It hurts the elderly parent, and in the long run you make a horse's patooty out of yourself. If you are the one being dealt a hand that you did not ask for, hang on, as what goes around, comes around.

Hi Everyone! I would name you all but I was reading Joan’s earlier comments of 4 days ago…there’s a lot of you! So, ditto to you all! (Sorry, shortcut because I gave myself a curfew to be on the computer.) And I agree with you 3 how this site has helped us. I was seriously suicidal (seriously because this was IT, no longer dreaming or fantasizing about killing myself. It was the real deal) and had found this site about 3 days before. I had spent the weekend reading all over this site – fascinated with all these caregivers and their problems. I saw how caring the people were here. So, I came on and posted for help and I got it. I will always be grateful for this site and the people.

Sharyn, I’m glad of your updates on mom. The senior living community sounds great, too. I’m so sorry about your nephew (even if he is a step-nephew, he is still a nephew.) I hate cancer. I will keep you and the whole family in my thoughts and prayers.

Joan – so many things happening too much with Gary’s family these past couple of months. He must be really stressed and wondering why all of these are happening all at one time. Depending how quickly they found his mom’s heart infection, the less damage to the heart. But with her age and weakness (from old age), I guess she has an uphill climb. I know that Gary is busy with a lot of stuff and struggling with denial. But, Joan, he needs to go see his mom and tell her he loves her and make peace with his mom – JUST IN CASE she doesn’t make it. Or he will never forgive himself. I wish his family had accepted you. Because this is a time that Gary needs you. Since you’re not able to be there for him, you can do what my sis does when her hubby was deployed. Every day, she would text him that she loves him, miss him, etc… And he would text back. They’ve been married for over 10 years and they still say those word to each other…
HUGS to Everyone here!

Joan~ I am so sorry about Gary's mother. There is something about a man in tears that really tugs at the heart. You know they are really hurting since men generally don't cry often. It must be very hard for Gary right now first in dealing with his son and now his mother. I understand how you feel in wanting to do something and feeling helpless since they are far from you. You can be available to talk when they need it and praying. You have a lot of love in your heart. I will keep Gary, you and family in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care of yourselves and many hugs and love to everyone!

sharyn, so sorry to hear such awful news ... praying for him. emjo, praying for your situation as well. sometimes all we can do is pray. xxx

Thank you Jessie♥ Yes it is so very sad when a young person faces and early end to their life. He has been battling cancer for 8 years now. It started in the colon. Each time it reoccurred, the dr.'s were very confident they got it taken care of with surgery and chemo, within less than 2 years it showed up in his liver. His father passed away about 2 years ago with the same thing.

(((((((((((((sharyn))))))))))))Sounds like the neurologist is doing the right things, I am glad that the facility that you and sis toured is so nice. You are getting through this one step at a time, Also glad that your mum enjoyed the pancakes.and you had a good laugh with her.

I am so sorry to hear about your bro's step son. How horrible for all of you, and particularly your sil. You are right, you can never totally be prepared. I will keep them in my prayers.

We have a situation needing prayer too. Gary's dad called a couple of days ago, and told me that his mum is in hospital and not doing well - an infection in her heart. She had a bypass 6 years ago. She is throwing up from the meds they are giving her and cannot ever speak to her husband. Dad was in tears on the phone. Gary left town just before that to go south to see Clay, his son with the head injury who is not doing that well since the surgery before Christmas, and then has to go to BC for a week for business. I managed to get a hold of him (his cell phone is acting up) and relay his dad's message, but haven't heard anything since. I know his mum's condition will hit him hard, I have mentioned to him that his parents are old, not in great health, and could go any time, and he doesn't want to hear it. I know he withdraws at times like this, so I will have to call south to find out what is happening. He has lots of work pressure right now too. Too much all at once!

I wish there was something I could do, but there really isn't. I feel so helpless up here. I have been fighting a bug of some kind as well - nothing serious, but I need to get rid of it.

Love and hugs to everyone. It is good we have oner another - and post all you want sharyn!!! :) Joan

sharynmarie, I am so sorry. It makes me sad when a young person faces an early end to life. My thoughts are with your family this evening.

I know I wasn't going to say anything more...but my brother called today saying his 37 year old step son with liver cancer...is now in his lungs. The dr. has put him on methadone because morphine isn't controlling the pain anymore. Very sad and tragic, of course they are devastated even though they prepared themselves for this, you are never fully prepared. My brother was in tears, and I can only imagine how my sil must feel. They are preparing to tell the rest of the family now. Keep them in your prayers and thoughts, it is going to be a rough road for them all. Thank you.

Hi everyone!!

I hope all is going well for everyone...mywitsend, did your mil move out over the weekend, I hope you are able to relax and get your marriage/family back normal.
Susan, So happy to hear that hubby finally realized what was going on and you now have his support. Envision, how are things going with you? I haven't really read up on everything, but I do hope you are well and getting some breaks.Joan, How is the food detection going? I hope Gary's son has some relief from all the pain. Margeaux, hoping you and hubby are feeling better health wise and regarding Vanilla. Cmag, hope you are feeling better and your wife is continuing to improve. Book, how are things going with your sister, I read you had some concerns with her smoking in the house, and now you are planning a visit from your brothers.

I will try to keep this short as I have been up since 4:30 am. The neurologist did not give a diagnoses yet. He wants an MRI on mom's brain and blood work first. Mom could not answer these questions: her age, memory recall on 3 words, could not spell world forward or backward, could not count backward from 100 by 7's (I would have to use my fingers after 86), didn't know who was president, what year it is or the month. So we wait for the result of the MRI and blood work. We went to IHOP after the appt. to give her something pleasant to focus on after the dr. visit. She wanted pancakes. I ordered a short stack for her (3 good size pancakes). I can't eat all in a short stack, she gobbled it all down, Lol!! I know she is not eating regularly, my goodness that is a lot of pancakes!! It took the dr. about 40 min. before he came in the exam room and while we were waiting, we were all quiet, then mom blurts out, "Is this what we are going to do all day!" We all started laughing, it was very funny.

Sis and I toured the senior living community. It is very lovely. Private rooms, some have shared bathrooms, some have private. It is like a hotel setting. We were very impressed. She can have her dog with her which would make the transition easier on her. We basically have to wait until we have authority to place her there and it also depends on what her LTC will cover. They have a library, computer room, laundry room, and all the planned activities. They play big band music from back in the day, pictures of Babe Ruth, Bogie and everything from the era that most of the residents remember from their younger years. The memory care unit uses the method called Expressions. It is based on expressions from the past such as "A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush." I could go on and on and you know I love to ramble so I won't say much more. Have a good night and hoping your week is a good one!!

Yes, this site, the people on it, have helped me maintain my sanity. Well, on most days :)

Yup, I echo that. Whoever started this website needs a medal, because I think it has saved a lot of us, and kept us sane. I have often questioned whether it was me losing my sanity instead of the other way round, and then I would come onto this website and read what other people had to say and think, I am NOT nuts, this is really happening.
Have a good weekend everyone!

I really do need to thank everyone here so much. When I first found out MIL was coming, my reaction was very negative, because I know her. I could barely endure 2 week visits in the past. Living with us seemed like a very bad idea. But, then I let the guilt and obligation get to me. When she got here, and my fears became reality, I felt like maybe I was being selfish and maybe I needed to be more understanding. Having somewhere to vent, saved my sanity. But it also offered tremendous support and helped me stand up for my family. Thank you all again.

Thanks Susan, Hugs for both you and mywitsend - better times lie ahead. :-)

Mywitsend, YAY!!!!! Raising a glass of (non alchoholic)champagne in celebration. Emjo, sending YOU a big hug, you are always so helpful and caring to everyone, thankyou for all your support, so here is a big hug from me to you. To everyone here on this forum, you are special amazing people for doing what you do, and I salute you all today. I hope you all have a calm, and gentle weekend. Much love to you all, xxxx

Susan- thank goodness! I was worried for you. Dementia makes sense, and would be a relief. I suspect MIL would be easier to tolerate if she would agree to medication. If FIL was not of this temperment when he was younger, itt would explain why your husband might have thought you were exaggerating. In our case, MIL has always been this way. None of it came as a surprise. Only surprise is we lasted this long. Sometimes the Armagedden is necessary! So, yes, Emjo, today is the day! My husband will definately have to set boundaries. He has done so much, and she can be so ridiculously mean to him. I do not think she should be without assistance, but she is in complete denial. He has suggested seeing a doctor for months, and she says nothing is wrong with her. I think part of the reason she has been so hard on our son is she uses him as the scape goat whenever she misplaces something or forgets she ate something. By herself, who will she blame? Today, I sat with her while the rental agent went over the lease. There was a clause on damage, and he used the example of a small grandchild flushing a toy down the toilet. She shook her head in disgust, and said, "Thank God I don't have anymore that small." Such a ray of sunshine. Back at home and already it feels so much calmer and nicer!

(((((((suzanne)))))) mamoogins - what a hard journey you are in., have you decided to take some respite? Did you get some good advice? Definitely you have to keep his pills etc out if the downstairs. Can you take charge of them and make them available to him as necessary? Maybe you can't keep your mum in the home. How long do you think she would last there anyway.Could she go in an ALF and him in a nursing home? Do let us know how you are doing. I think an evaluation of both mum and dad would be appropriate.
mywwitsend - today is the day!!! Yay!!! - the mean and nasty will move out! What a blessing and a success story. You will need to keep your boundaries up even now, but I think you know that, I remember you wrote earlier that your mil needed to not live alone, but that a transition would be necessary. Good luck!
susan - all I can say us WOW! WOW! WOW! - bless God for moving in your family. I am so happy for you that your husband has finally seen what is going on, and this is working out. Your fil does need help, and you all are getting it for him, I di undertsahd being relieved that it is dementia.
lavender - I agree with cmag that therapy helps a lot. Is there a seniors program where they could pick her up and take her out to some social activities? Is it time for her be placed in a facility where there are social activities available in the building? Sounds like you need a break - some time for you. Another thought - does your mum need an evaluation? maybe some drugs could help her mood. cmag - hope you are feeling and sleeping better.
sharyn - backing away is a good thing sometimes. You have a lot on your plate, and your mum is declining. I read n another thread that you see deterioration. There is constant grief as they move downhill, and I see you going through that ((((((((((hugs)))))))
camilla - sounds like your lady had fun.I am glad you feel less isolated coming here. Sounds like you have been through a lot with this person,
Hi margeaux - yes, it is a pain being a food detective. I have had sinus problems/ allergies since childhood, and my food and medication sensitivities are getting worse Re soy - some has wheat - gluten in it and some not. You may want to find one without wheat and try it. I use VH reduced sodium soy and it is fine. Your neighbour who shared the kitty sounds pretty insensitive. Sounds lije your husband is away alot - G is gone again on business for a week, and a few days to visit with his son with the head injury, as it looks like he is not doing well. The surgery dragged him down.
book - how are you doing? It doesn't get easier does it? I hope your sis will help you a little more.
Candice -selfish siblings is a big topic here. Be sure to arrange for some respite for yourself regardless.
austin, alabama, envision, hollis, everyone - hope you have a decent weekend - be sure to take some breaks, be good to you, and let us know how you are doing,
♥, hugs, and prayers - Joan

Thanks, Susan. A minute there, I only thought hubby sided with you ONLY because he overheard his father getting mad at you. I'm glad it was more than just that. Thank God! I won't tell you what was going thru my head about hubby if THAT was just the case! =) Hubby is forgiven in my eyes. Of course he's forgiven in your eyes - you love him. Hubby redeemed himself. Remember, I was there when you first posted your own thread about hubby, you and living in Germany and not knowing the language, etc... Not that hubby needs my forgiveness! But, it's nice to like someone than to forever not like them. Take care!

Hi Book, :-) :-)
I was thinking this morning, that probably the only people who will understand how relieved I am that this is dementia, are the people on this forum! Dementia we can understand, and there are some things that we can start to put in place to help immediately, and there are some medications we can use to help with the anger and the agression in the short term until the illness progresses badly to a point where we need outside help.
If I said to anyone else that I am releived to find out its dementia they would think I had lost the plot completely!!!!

There were a few things that made my hubby change his mind:
1) I kept asking him to put a camera up so he could witness it himself. He said he would ask his dad if he had done what I had said he had done, but of course dad would say no, so he thought I was exagerrating or misunderstanding, and then just plain being irrational when I lost the plot this week and yelled at FIL and him. He finally realised that if I was asking for a camera, that things were happening that his dad was not admitting to.
2) When things got heated yesterday, I came and got the voice recorder and put it on. He said when he saw me do that, he realised that it was because I needed him to hear it, so he decided to stay and listen out of sight. Thats when he heard it for himself, and he was horrified that this has been going on and he hasn't been believing me.
3) He had a long talk to his dad last night, when I was at gym (thank GOD for gym), and purposely tried to provoke anger, which he did, and he saw the anger for himself. He said he felt terrible doing it, but finally he saw it himself. He also saw the old man "space out" in the middle of the conversation for nearly two minutes, which really scared him, and then he had to remind him where he was. He also said the way FIL treated me was so unfair compared to how he treats his other daughter in law, and the old man said in such an angry voice, "for god's sake, I've never even MET her, so how could I treat her better?" She was with him for a month over November and he made such a fuss about her visit, it was his sole focus all day every day for the two months before she arrived, making us (me) all jump through hoops to prepare everything and make sure all was perfect for it. It is unbelievable that he a) forgot it, and b) can't remember ever meeting her.

We ended up last night with a huge forgiveness session directed at the old man. He let me hug him, he hugged my son and my husband, and we told him that we loved him and will do whatever we can to make this work with him because we loved him, so we have reassured him that he is ok, and loved, and wanted. There is no anger left, dad and son are ok again, and he has relaxed hugely. This morning I got up and gave him another big hug when I said good morning.
I gave him the cat yesterday to stroke, as I read that tactile therapy helps them to calm down, with stroking a cat or dog, or even a plush blanket, and that worked hugely.
But now I understand the drinking of 18 cups of coffee a day, the eating all day, the pacing up and down, the constant negativity and meanness, the anger, the rage if someone is in the bathroom at his bathtime, or if someone has eaten the last egg and he doesn't have one for his breakfast, or if someone is sitting in the seat he wants to sit in. It is an inability to do anything different to what his routine has been up until now. That I think is why the rage is so big ... he coped before because he had such a strict routine in place so nobody really saw it. Now the routine has gone, his grasp on normality has gone too.
It is so very sad really. Will feedback once we have done the doctor this afternoon.

Oh and PS: Hubby is back in the bedroom again, and very firmly back in the team. Thank you God! So, although it was Armageddon, it was a very neccesary battle I think. xxxxx

Oh, Susan, I am sooooo glad for you!!! I don't know what made your husband change his mind - but if you ever figure it out, can you gossip and tell it to us?! If you want, you can just tell it to me, only. =) Your comments above was like one of those story books that catches your attention and you can't put that book down until you get to the end. I am so glad your husband knows and now you both are back to being a Team - husband and wife team. The way it should be.

If it's dementia, be careful with FIL. In his mind, you will be blamed for the relationship break up with his son. You saw the anger in his face. Just be aware of him and his body language. You should be fine. But I sure hope you all find something quick but Decent. Please update us, okay? Thanks for giving us some good news. Later, book

Mywitsend: I am hoping the move goes well today, and that peace reigns at home again. Good luck with it all, and lots and lots of love to your family!

Hugs to everyone today, thank you for your support, and hope you all have a peaceful day.

So some feedback to you lovely people: It has been Armageddon in my house this week, but we have found some clarity on how to move forward.

This episode started on Monday, and yesterday my FIL came into the kitchen thinking my husband had already left for work. He hadn't, still in the lounge where he has been sleeping, but the door was open to the kitchen. I said to my FIL, we need to talk please, and just try to heal this, to which he got very angry and started yelling at me, shaking his fist in my face. My husband didn't see it, but he heard it. YES YES YES, he heard it.

So, I went and got my voice recorder, and said, I am going to record this for his son to hear as well, and made a very big show of recording our conversation, so he started talking about how lovely the snow looked, and had I slept well, and what were my plans for the day.

My husband came in to the kitchen and said to his dad very sternly: if you are behaving this way to get my wife and kids to leave the house so you can have me to yourself, think again. If they leave, you will be kicked out, and I will NEVER see you again. If you make no effort to fix this right now with my wife, you can also leave. But understand that if you leave, I will also NEVER see you again, and from now on you will be dead to me.

I was stunned. Completely absolutely shocked.

So he tried very hard to sit and talk to me, and was really making an effort to control his anger and rage. He flat out denied everything. At one point, he sat in silence, glaring at me, and then got up shook his fist in my face again, and leaned over me, all in silence. I kept my calm, and said what was going on for the benefit of the recorder, and then said: you do know that I have asked my husband to put cameras up here, so he can see for himself what you do to me? (There are no cameras yet) He pulled himself together with considerable effort and sat down again, and we somehow got to the end of the conversation with his rage contained.

Half way through, I realised: this is dementia, this is not normal behaviour. this is not narcisssticm, this is full blown dementia, and we have a real problem, because he cannot control this.

My husband who was listening on the other side of the door, came to exactly the same conclusion, and afterwards came to me and said he was so so sorry, that I have had to live like this for the past two months. He has been trying to fix it, and keep the peace with what he thought his dad was, not with who is dad is now, and thought that I was just being irrational and obstructive, now he knows what is really going on, and he is really sorry can I forgive him.

Wow. The relief. The absolute relief.

Last night, we researched dementia. He displays something like 8 signs of dementia. So today, we have an urgent meeting with the doctor, to evaluate him for dementia and to get something urgently for the aggression and the anger.

My husband is distraught and very broken with this whole situation, that he just "let it happen". I have told him that I am so thankful that this blow up did happen, becasue now, we both KNOW what is going on, not just me. Now I know this is not him being hateful and mean to me, this is not personal.

I have more compassion immediately, thinking this is an illness and not awful, appalling, mean and manipulative behaviour.