The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmag, can I ask you a question? Have you ever really sat down and spoke to your father of the life you had with your mother? I think with his trying to find closure, you can go back to reminiscing on your life with her. Just as you did just now but not so obvious. Tell him your story with the good (things she did that brings you good memory) and the bad (the times when it got tough, how she would stop and leave.) Maybe if you did this roundabout child hood reminiscing your father will maybe have an idea of how your mother is. He will see a pattern. But if you think that this will just bring more questions from him, then, I just don't know...Maybe (if you guys are huggers) just give him a hug and say that mom has never told you why she left. That you have always wondered why but never asked. And then counteract this with the good memories you have of him. I'd bring a photo album if you have any. It's so sad that he needs to closure on that relationship and he may never get it. HUGS!!!

Hi Thirsty, I’m sorry that your dysfunctional family succeeded in damaging your relationship with your daughter. I’m glad that you finally found peace with this. I wonder…did you post here using another name? I recall a person with a similar situation like yours. She was being so torn inside with the betrayal of her family after all she did for them. If it’s you, I’m glad that you have finally found peace with the life you have now and not the life that “could have been.” If it’s not you, then know this, that there is another woman on this site who went thru just like your situation. I’m so sorry and yet am glad that you finally found peace. HUGS!!! Sincerely, Book

Today while talking with my dad on the phone, he asked if my mother has ever said why she left him 52 years ago when I was 3 years old. This is really weighing heavy on his mind lately, for he has asked this before.

He told me some more information about that day which he had not told me before. They were in the process of putting wall paper up and my mother asked him for the car the next day so she could pick up more wall paper. So, he got a ride to work thinking nothing of it and why would he of for the previous day had been just fine. When he returned from work that day, he finds this note from her that he can find his car at the airport.

I've tried looking at this from various perspectives like the sociology of families and family types which were greatly different for these two; northern and southern; Presbyterian and Roman Catholic; etc. Each of those shed varying degrees of light on everything, but none are sufficient.

It is a mystery that I've never asked my mother about although I know she carries a lot of hate toward him which she wanted me to absorb, wanted him to never visit me, plus told me that he had died, but had no explanation for how come he was visiting me. My dad on the other hand has never had a negative thing to say about my mother and when I got older, he started telling me more facts about things, but now at 87 he is trying to make piece with his past and this is the one point that is unresolved.

My wife and I talked about this tonight. We came to the conclusion that possibly the key is in one major theme of my mother's life. She has always run away from stress. Mom and dad had barely been married a year when I was born. She wanted me raised with the help of servants like she was. He wanted me raised as an all american boy, whatever that means, When visiting his side of the family, she reacted strongly against them saying how much I looked like that side of the family to the extent that she said I was a ___ baby, her side of the family not a ___ baby, my dad's side of the family.

My wife and I think that mom just flipped out and ran. Years, later she flipped out and ran off to the beach house for months at a time while married to my step-dad after I graduated from high school and left for college. Before that, her work experiences were full of examples of her just getting flipped out and running away. I could go into writing about my childhood which I've done here from time to time, but I don't think it really applies to helping my dad make peace with that divorce which at 87 still haunts him like a ghost from the past.

My dad also told me tonight that her mother's pastor told dad that my mom had chosen the lesser of two evils in leaving him whatever that means.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I wish that I could help my dad come to terms with this.

I became a caregiver to my husband at an early age which is a daily struggle. I thought I would become my parents caregiver. I loved my parents and believed they loved me. At 44, through a terrible tragedy, I learned they did not love me, and since then I've chosen not to have a relationship with my parents and sisters. Going to Al-Anon opened my eyes that I grew up in a toxic shaming family. Secrets, dishonesty and conditional love was my experience. My father protected the abuser, my mother, and played the good guy. What I never saw was my father's simmering unspoken anger at me for problems I had when I was 20-21. They took legal action and tried to destroy my family. They Irreparably damaged my relationship and her step father's relationship with our daughter. It continues through today with them telling my daughter that her step father is a loser and that my life would be wonderful without him. What I will always be grateful for is that I was forced to see my family for what they are, and not what I tried to believe them to be. I'm no longer am a participant in their shaming, critical and punishing system. After 10 years of grieving, I am finally at peace with my decision not to care for them in their old age.

Ladee,Just stop by to say hello and to tell you how much I admire you for the helpful answers,johnnycares

Thank you dabs, Yogi, Book, and Joan!! I talked with sis this morning. She said she will call the neurologist on Tuesday (Monday a holiday) to see if they will prescribe a sedative.She still insists she can take care of this on her own because she said, "You do so much already, I want to do this to help you." I will go to the hospital anyway. I will get ear plugs for her if they will let her wear them. Every one of you have posted good advice and I really appreciate it.

Dabs, I am very sorry for the loss of your son. It is a great idea to honor them as you mentioned. I have not lost a child which I know and understand is very painful. I honor my father in different ways such as cooking foods he grew with in N. Ireland, visiting him on St. Patrick's Day with potted Shamrocks, his birthday which I took my mom with me this year since I knew she had not been out in a year or so due to the dementia.
Yogi, I read on another thread where you are seeing your mother now. That is absolutely the greatest news!! I am so happy for you and your mother. Keep us posted about your visits with her.
Alabama, keep us posted on the appeal regarding your mother. It must be very hard what you are going through.
Book, I want to thank you again for your time last night in helping me see things more clearly!!

I will let you all know about my nephew as I am given information. My brother and sil are in upper management and hoped to retire the end of this year. My brother told me he thinks they should retire sooner so they can spend more time with their son. I don't ask them for a lot of information because I know it is very hard for them to talk about it, but sis and I have open communication with them and they will let us know as they feel the need. The young man went to Lake Tahoe last weekend with his wife and friend as a last hurrah but I am hoping he has some more weekends to celebrate life before he becomes bedridden. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts it means so much to love and support from everyone. Love and hugs to all of you♥!

Sharyn, I think Book has a good idea with a possible bribe with whatever food or treat she likes. Emjo made a good point about hoping the hospital has had prior Alz patients to deal with. Not all reg. hospitals or medical care facilities are geared for working with Alz patients. It might be good for you to go with your mom to ease her concerns or her being anxious.

I used to have Med. POA for my mom and always took her to ALL appts. she was at ease with me. My bro, somehow, changed the Medical POA to him and my sis. My mom had to go to the podiatrist last week and asked me to go with her. I always explain what is going to happen and what to expect. She may not understand everything. So, I know how to calm most of her fears. My sibs aren't the nurturing types. I know my mom VERY well as she has lived with me in the past. My sibs are just learning things about her and how to deal with her. I don't know to what extent your mom's Alz is but she will probably do better with you by her side, too. Blessings.

Hi all, I haven't posted a lot lately but I think of you all and pray for each of you and the ones you care for. I read constantly but I sit in the background admiring all of you for the care you give and the way you give of yourselves on a daily basis as the in home caregiver or as the caregiver with the person at a facility. I've been on both sides and know it is a difficult situation to be in. Blessings to ALL!!!!

sharyn: My mom had a terrible time with her MRI's. She became so agitated with the first on that they had to stop it. Mom was frightened and insisted that because there wasn't anything wrong with her that the machine was what would make her sick.
Removing the hearing aids may help some, but it all depends on what kind of day she's having overall. I'll be thinking about you on the 20th.

Burned: By what I"ve been able to pick up here, it sounds like you've got more than enough on your plate right now. If you were to get pregnant, your stamina would tank for awhile, and then who'd do the care giving. Not only that, but another child, although they're all a blessing, would only complicate things more. The burdens you're shouldering a already tough. My prayers are with you all.

(((((alabama)))) I am sure you will be relieved when the court stuff is finished. I know it s hard coming from a crazy family
thanks margeaux - I still haven't heard anything - may try calling someone else tonight
sharyn - let us know how it goes with your nephew - so hard on everyone. Hopefully the hospital will have had other alz patients in the MRI machine and have a process for dealing with them. I agree that 3 appointments, though convenient for your sis, may not be realistic for your mum, Let us know if you end up going too - it might help. Sorry the hear that you are not happy because of work. I agree your sis does not sound like a nurturing person. - maybe has some of your mum in her
welcome shootme - ((((hugs))))) sounds like you have been through a lot. I think most of us here understand the dysfunctionality. Getting over it while caregiving is difficult as there are so many triggers. For me it is a lifetime process. Grieving the childhood and family you needed but really never had is an important part of healing. I know I will never do anything well enough for my mother - just the way it is. Better to grieve the loss and accept it as well as you can.
dabs - I am so sorry about your son. I lost my youngest son10 years ago. I agree that continuing to do things in his name helps.
book - wow you have some horrible stories! sounds like your mum is declining a bit with needing to suction her more. Some good ideas for sharyn
burned -sorry you have been going through such a hard time - I agree with beck in wondering if bringing another child into your already very stressed life is a good idea
fraulein - that is very scary about your brother - glad your sibs are doing an intervention. Yes, you have to make sure that your mum is well cared for.

I have my oldest grandson here doing some chores for me for a few $$$. After I will take him out for a hamburger. He is a very nice young man.:)
♥, hugs and prayers for everyone

I'm glad. I was worried about your mom and sis with you NOT there to run interference. The same had happened with mom. Mom and I never were close before the dementia. And it was still the case during the dementia. However, SIL was very good with her. She knew how to deal with mom's anger. Mom scared me and when she got angry, I froze in fear. SIL is a big woman. She's not scared of my small mom. So, I was always grateful when SIL took off from work to escort me and dad with mom to her appointments. SIL is like you, Sharyn. Mom may have accused SIL of stealing from her, and showed her hatred, but SIL just shrugged it off and continued to patiently cajole mom to do what is necessary for the appointment. Father and I - well he had no patience and I was scared of her.

I hope it all works out smoothly like sis is thinking of. I'm still trying to figure out how you can get mom to stay still in the MRI for atleast 20 minutes? You can't really give her meds because she will be getting bloodwork afterward. What is your mom's favorite food or activity? Well, her Current favorite because with her dementia, she will be forgetting those too. But, what's her current favorite? Maybe use this as a bribe for her to behave during the MRI???

You are right Book! Thank you for pointing that out. The more I am around my sis, I see that she (not trying to dis her all the time, but she is not a nurturing person). has trouble with nurturing because she is so black and white in her thinking. When it comes to children and dealing with dementia, she can't see the gray areas that are necessary when dealing with their issues. You are right, I am being selfish in letting my sister deal with this by herself only to prove a point. I will go. I know my mother better than she does and I don't want mom to suffer a set back because sis wants to call the shots here. Sis is thinking of getting it all done at once so she won't have to come back to our city till the next week if even then. It's not that sis thinks mom is normal, she just wants things on her time schedule. Thank you for talking with me tonight, you are a great friend in being honest with me!! I will leave a message on sis's phone tomorrow. Hugs and love to you!!

I guess we will know on the 20th! Now I will be on pins and needles waiting to hear from you about mom''s busy day! I sure do not envy you all - at all!!! =)

Book~I am using my new computer and the post I just posted didn't get posted, Lol!! I will try again. I honestly don't know. My mother has claustrophobia and prior to dementia she had to be sedated for MRI's on her knees. Of course we went to Stockton where they had an MRI machine that was not enclosed. My sister is handling this, she insists on taking her that day. The MRI is the first of 3 appts. all scheduled an hour apart. I am hoping that because mom is hard of hearing, that if we remove her hearing aids that she won't hear all the noise.

I think sis overestimated your mom's cooperation. Can you honestly say with the way your mom has progressed in her dementia, that she will actually do all 3 in one day? Sharyn, your mom will be inside the MRI. I hope she can keep still. And if she does, then I don't see any problems with doing her bloodwork. If she did not behave during MRI, will she behave long enough to sit still while they poke her with a needle to take her blood? By the time it's the eye appointment, your mom will most likely be out of patience with sis and all the medical stuff. I think sis thinks mom is NORMAL! A normal person will have no problem doing all 3 in one day. If sis insists on doing this, I think it would be best that you go, Sharyn. Between the 2 of you, mom likes you more. When mom gets frustrated, your sis will end up aggravating her. You will be the one to be able to calm her down. You know how mom is right now. If you think she can do all 3 in one day, then go for it.

I honestly don't know Book. She is hard of hearing so I was hoping if we took out her hearing aids that she wouldn't hear the noise. My sis insists on taking her that day and it is the first of 3 appts. she is taking her to all within an hour apart. I could go since I don't go into work till 4pm that day but I don't know if my being there will make any difference. I'm not very happy right now because of work so I may suggest to my sis that they give mom a sedative but then she would miss the appt. for necessary blood work which is scheduled one hour later. We could reschedule the eye appt. for another day. I will have to think about this. Hugs to you!!

Hi Burned, Sharyn. Thanks for updating us. Sharyn...Will your mom be able to NOT move for that time they're doing the MRI on her? I tried it once only. The noise that machine makes can be startling. I loved the sounds. It sometimes sounded like screeching tires to jack hammer sounds,etc.. Although I chose soothing music (which helped prevent me from jerking when the machine's noise suddenly boomed out of nowhere), the machine's noise was really loud. The tech told me that most people prefer to keep their eyes closed. I would have too but you know how I'm continually tired? I was so afraid that if I closed my eyes, I will fall asleep and then acid reflux with occur and I will wake up choking (we lie flat for the MRI) and jerk up suddenly from the choking. So, I had to keep track of my acid reflux while lying down. I did a lot of swallowing.

Fraulein, there's only so much one can do for grown up siblings (or children.) You can give advice but it's truly up to the individual if they want to listen or not. Most don't want even when they hit rock bottom. It's all about denial and thinking that they're doing okay. I've seen that show Intervention. Sometimes, they're like intervention # something. It's not a one time thing. It's a continuous struggle. Like you mention, you have your Mom to worry about. Your mom, you and your immediate family. I totally agree about how helpful it is to have excellent bosses!

My mom's MRI is on Feb. 20. Will update when we get results and final diagnosis. Thank you all for your support, hugs to all!

dabs4mom~Thank you, I did see your previous post and thought you meant it for me. I appreciate it, it means a lot to me and my brother's family.

Having a good and bad week. My brother is battling with himself and his relationship as a newly (a year or so) gay male. His boyfriend is a known drug addict and we all agree he's been a bad influence and he ended up in a drug overdose this week in the hospital, the night before that, my brother sent a cryptic "luv you, bye" message at 3 a.m. so we all worried if he was on the same path or not, but he seems to be settling down again and the siblings are planning an intervention with him soon. That is quite disheartening and I was quite upset but then i said he's gotta accept responsibility for his own actions across the board, get rid of this guy who's drug him down the path to hell for this last year, and move on. If he doesn't, I'm sorry, I have Mom to worry about and I have to stay on task with her, she is the most important responsibility in my life. Crappy and selfish twit and i worry on the days he's here to take care of Mom. Somebody's always gotta check to be sure everything's okay and he's having a good stable sanity day......The Serenity Prayer helps me through every day and of course, the Grace of God and excellent bosses, staff and students who help be through each day.

Burned....WOW....your post has rendered me speechless...but I will offer this thought...Do you really think that bringing another child into the chaos that swirls around you, is a good idea??

I am sorry i haven't posted for awhile...I had to do something horrible and that was to arrest my best friend over 3 wks ago because she slipped and she is borderline. Now she is threatening me with court and said I lied when she did those things in my house. On the other hand, hubby is doing better and then not better because well he is sleeping more and doing less in a matter of being himself but he is much better without the chaos. I am trying to get help for a sitter for the kids so i can make his appointments with him. The hardest part of all this is that he wants another child and that is kind hard to do when you are out of it most of the day. today is one of those days that i want to cry but prayers and blessings to those going through a rough time.

Alabama - Sorry for mixing you up with someone else. I think now that it may be sharynmarie who's nephew is so ill.
Sharynmaire, I hope you saw my previous post. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Alabama – Sorry that your sister is winning. I’ve seen that happen here on this site.
Margeaux – I wondered where you were. You were obviously “absent” here.

Shootme – Welcome to AC. It’s NOT your Fault that your father left your family. It’s NOT your Fault that your stepfather was sexually inappropriate. By telling that YOU cannot wear a nightgown or anything sexually stimulating was blaming you for HIS actions. It Is NOT True! Unfortunately, you will see over and over in life and in the news – how a mother is willing to sacrifice her children in order to remain with her male partner. Here on island, a mother held down her elementary child while her boyfriend raped her. Here on island, they know uncle is a molester, but they look the other way and allow him easy access to their daughters. You see in the mainland news how a mother used her 2 young daughters for sex with her boyfriend. She got caught. While in jail, her sister had custody of the the girls. What did dear sis do? She also used her nieces for sex for extra income. These girls were elementary ages…. So, Shootme, I’m sorry that your past truly messed you up as an adult. I’m glad that you’re seeing therapy. I and my younger sisters have blocked out our childhood memories and refuse to go to therapy to remember it. I have absolutely no desire to remember the sordid details of my childhood. Younger sisters and I are quite happy in our ignorance. I think our subconscious decided to protect us by wiping out our childhood memories. From what older brother said, it seems that father did some terrible things to mom..and I don’t remember it at all. ….So each of us caregivers have pasts that affects us today. Please come back and vent if you need to let out steam of your frustrations or for advice.

Dabs4mom – I’m sorry about your son’s passing. I understand here on this site that the pain never really goes away. I always wondered why people would do scholarships and programs under their loved ones’ name. I think I’m beginning to understand from your comments. Thank you…

Lavender, I think that is all that we can do and that is the right thing. I sleep at night because I always try to do the right thing. As far as my evil sibling....I am not so sure. I believe in Karma.
dabs4mom I think you have me confused with someone else as I have not lost anyone.

alabama - I've just been reading and becoming familiar with you family and all that's going on. My heart aches for you all. I've watched my husband Pete cry at the death of his mom, who without a doubt was one a true gem. I only knew her briefly since Pete and I are both were married before and only found eachother about 7 years ago. I've gotten very close to his father, who is 97 now and in frail health as well. Helping someone you love navigate through their grief can be hard, but it can bring you even closer together.
As for your nephew, I can't begin to tell you how I ache for all of you. I lost my 14 yr old son nearly 22 yrs ago, and it still leaves an empty, hurting place in my heart. Nothing really prepares you for the loss of a child, because it seems so "wrong". I survived through my grief because of loving friends that held my hand through the darkest days. If I learned anything at all about being able to move on after his death, it was that it's OK to experience and feel all the confusion, pain and sadness that comes with a child's passing. It's OK to acknowledge that loss on important days like birthdays, holidays and the anniversary date of their passing, but to make that acknowledgement a positive thing, and celebrate the one you loved in some little way, then proceed with your day. Revisiting the past by only thinking about the bad and sad doesn't help you heal. I also learned that there should be no guilt in allowing yourself to "let go" of the pain and move forward with you life. Your loved one, especially a child, wouldn't want his parents or others to stop living their lives because his was cut tragically short.
After some time passes help your family come up with a way to honor your nephew that will have a long term, positive impact on others. After my son's death, who was very active at scouting at the time, we were able to start a memorial fund as a way for people to do something as opposed to flowers and such. We did it through his local Boy Scout Council. We were amazed and moved at how much people contributed. A year later we created a foundation, and held a golf tournament for anyone that wanted to participate in our community.(We lived in Eau Claire, Wis. at the time). I can't tell you how wonderful it was to know that people wanted to be part of it. We had students, teachers, parents, local business people, etc. to join in. Totally AMAZING. The proceeds went to starting a scholarship fund for a scout in need of help with college. It's been all these years and the memorial scholarship is still being given every year. We held the golf tournaments for 4 years. After that there was enough money in the fund to sustain an annual scholarship from the earnings on the account. Last year we gave the scholarship to a bright young woman for the first time. She was part of the Scout Explorer program in Eau Claire, and very deserving. Believe me when I tell you that doing something like this( or any other thing you can come up with), is a tribute that will change your life. Knowing that your loved one's memory made it possible is a powerful healing process.

You all are wonderful, and I'm so glad I found you. I keep you all in my daily thoughts and prayers now, and will continue to do so. Dabs

@alabama - I guess you are right altough I feel that I am an only child at the moment. I do have a resentment towards him. Every time it gets bad this is when I get angry that he is not more involved with mom. He has called her twice this year. I will try and do what you say. To do the right thing and I will let you know. I will probably feel better knowing that I am doing the RIGHT thing. Thanks for your feedback. Take care/

At 4 years old sweet an innocent a huge sledgehammer crushed me and I'm still living the hurt. My Dad walked out and left me, my mother, and my brother for a stewardess he worked with. I remember standing there and trying to get the words out, please don't go daddy. From that day on me, my family, my life have been one dysfunctional rollercoaster. I'm angry because no one knew it was there job to tell me it wasn't my fault. To this day the little girl in me still knows I must have done something wrong. "don't go Daddy, I'm sorry, I'll be better. You can only imagine what type of relationships I've had with men. Not interested in attempting another one. I remained throughout my life terrified of my Dad, I guess bc I never knew where I stood. With both parents I don't feel I ever measured up. My Dad started showing me a little repect when I took care of him the last 2 years of his life. Now my 92 yo mother lives with me and is declining and most of the time I don't do anything right. I am a daughter and her child therefore not top of the list. It's especially sad bc even if I tried to explain and talk all about the dysfunction over the years she would not get it. I just don't think she thinks deep. Her 2nd husband was an evil man and she doesn't remember all the things she went through with him. Fortunate for her she only remembers good things. Repeatedly I felt like i didn't matter. My step-father was sexually innapropriate with me and he was told nothing. i was told I couldn't wear my nightgown around the house. Nothing volumptuous about me. History of poor self esteem. i don't remember anyone ever telling me they were proud of me and now that I'm trying to give her the best care I can, it's killing me. Sometimes i pray I don't wake up. I'm a Christian and struggle why God has picked this life for me. My profession is being a caregiver and I've had enough. I would just love to have some respect through this. I'm not picky - anyone will do. My brother and I don't get along since dealing with my Dad's estate. Now he thinks I'm an idiot taking care of mom. When my mom passes on I'm sure I'll feel very quilty for not being more compassionate and patient. I feel mu life is a no win situation. I'm so sad. I've received therapy for years and I can't seem to process all of the childhood stuff. My greatest joy in life are my pets and all animals. Ya'll got any ideas. No one understands the dysfunction I went through and why haven't I gotten over it and no one but you guys understand the caregiving part. Was life really suppose to be like this? God bless you all and thank you for allowing me to vent.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts for my brother's stepson. It is a very sad situation plus they are dealing with sil's mother who has lung cancer too.

This is my brother's second marriage which he set boundaries around because of the dysfunctional situation in our family so I do not know this young man. I have been in a few social situations when he was a teen but that is all. My feelings are still there regardless. My feelings are centered around their family and what they are all going through. Thank you all and hugs to all of you!!