The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmagnum,

Thank you! I've been away, as maybe you have read already, was w/o our home computer. I did go and renew my library card, and I can use one there. But my husband returned from his trip w/ours.

Well after having read about the situation with your father, it reminded me of my dad's situation in life regarding his ex-narcissistic wife. Apparently, they married very, very young. After I did some research about the family tree a few mos., ago I discovered that dad was 24 yrs. old w/an eight year old son. They as a couple lived w/her parents. But at some time, my dad bought a house, so that he and his wife and their now growing family could live in.. She apparently, didn't want to break away from her parents, and didn't. So form some years, my dad was living in this house, and visiting the wife and kids at the in-laws. The problem was that it seems as if, somewhere in the picture when he'd visit, she'd later become pregnant. Funny how that works! Anyway, they had five kids. Dad finally became fed up, I'm sure both w/her, and the situation. They divorced.

Later he met mom, and they married. I found out about this precious family when I was ten years old. Even though my dad financially supported this family, he wasn't really emotionally connected to them. Two of my half brothers did kind of reach out to dad later on when throughout the years. I wondered many times about this, but my dad was a rather emotionally jammed up man. I remember trying to ask dad questions, when I was a kid and just wanted to know about where our family name came from he had avoidance in his responses. Anyway, especially on the front of dad's lack of interaction with his first family, it made me feel in some way guilty, as in......we took other kid's dad away from them. But I finally, have come to the point that when it comes to other's people's information, about spouses, I guess some things definitely are sacred. I really considered this over the years as to how my dad would not respond, or put me off with any of these types of questions. Anyway, at that point I stopped feeling in my own way, responsible for dad's feelings too. It really helped me, in a big way. This has been a big lesson also about the fact, that we really can't have all the answers about people, and I'm o.k. with that.

I'd also read about the fact that you haven't been sleeping lately.
Do you possibly think that you could be tossing all of this in your mind a bit too much? This happens to me, when I become stressed. Anyway, I chanted the other day, and visualized you snoring up a storm. O.K., a big hug to you my friend! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sharyn: Your mom sounds like a character. I know for sure that mine is. At this point she has no "filter" on her mouth. Sometimes she says things that you have to laugh at even if they are inappropriate....can't help it. Other times you have to just go with it, especially if she's being nasty.
Hey, remember what I said about it being ok to acknowledge your own pain or grief. A good cry once in awhile is your body's way of clearing out the junk that emotions can build up. It clears your head (not to mention your sinuses) and helps you to refocus and look at things from a different perspective.

Just so everyone knows, I worked with hospice for over 5 years up until a couple years ago. If anyone has any questions, I'm happy to share as much info as I can. It truly is a wonderful thing. It's a shame more people aren't educated on what it actually is, the care they provide, how it's paid for etc. I'm here if you need me.

My husband returned a day ago from his trip. It was a difficult week and a half being here alone, right after the passing of Vanilla. The first two days, I heard some scratching at our front door, (exactly where he once scratched). I opened the door, but there was no one there. It's like I have to keep reminding myself that he is no longer here. This is why I was particularly glad that my husband got that assignment out of town, in some way, because I knew it would be very hard for him. But he's one of those guys who doesn't show his emotions very much.

So the first week he was away, my neighbor was having a venous procedure done to her leg. She has a very strained relationship with her own daughter who ignores her. The daughter lives close by, but never offers to take her mom to especially a procedure as such. So I offered to do this for her. I can't believe how some children of people treat their elders in this country. But I also think that my neighbor has very low expectations of her daughter, and others in that family.

Anyway, so I took her to an outpatient procedure. Pre-operative instructions were that she avoid alcohol, and aspirin, as this could cause bleeding on account of the blood thinning. This lady, I'm afraid likes to drink more wine than is good for her. So she did stay away from the wine for 10 days prior to the procedure. So the day I took her to the hospital for this, we then returned and I escorted her into her house. Later on, I went to check in on her, and to see if she wanted to eat, as she was supposed to stay off her legs. I couldn't believe it, she was drinking some wine. I didn't say anything to her. Two days later, I again took her to a follow up for an ultrasound. She had a friend over during the weekend, and I know they again had some more wine. I must say, that I think the day after she's been indulging it affects her mood. She's been somewhat argumentative w/me.
If I say blue, she says something red. I'm helping her, but honestly I don't like this kind of treatment, either. Do any of you who have had experience w/people who drink, notice this contrary temperament? Anyway, by this last Monday which was about a week after she'd had the procedure done, she told me she was having pain and feeling heavy in her leg. I very politely suggested to her, that whatever she's ingesting, is very important for her healing. Sugar being inflammatory, cannot be good. Anyway, she is a very nice person on many levels, and I do care for her enough, but sometimes she really wears on my patience. I'm wondering too, whether she's dumping on me, since her family ignores her.
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

One just never knows how the illness of a person is going to affect us.
Certainly, the difficult situation your brother's family is facing it does stir all kinds of emotions. I will keep all of you in my thoughts. Please do not feel as if you are focusing on your self either in all of this. Besides, we are here to listen also and offer our support. It doesn't really matter how well, or close we have felt to people either. I think it's healthy also, for you to talk about this, rather than bottling it up.

Oh, I had a good laugh, when I read what your mom replied to the eye doctor.
My mother also comes out with funny and quite blunt responses at times.
Thanks, I needed that laugh. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

JessieBelle I have had similar feelings which I describe as a since of impending doom so I become on guard for the next battle is that what you are describing?

This is an excellent post. I too come from a dysfunctional family. I am not alone!
My mother has early Dementia. I gave up 30 years of living on my own to move in with and become her caregiver.
I (thought) I left behind the VERY dysfunctional behavior that I grew up with, only to find that it's more pronounced.
She has always been a "know it all", head strong woman that pretended everything was OK in the middle of a hurricane, in a constant state denial.
Now with her disease, her personality and these behaviors are more pronounced.
Despite me giving her care and making sure her life at HOME is comfortable, I am constantly lying, being difficult, and questioned.
I realized my issues of growing up in a dysfunctional family and her behavior many years ago, however, and I was able to distance myself from her constant badgering about I need to do x,y & z with MY life. However, now I'm living with it as a grown woman.
It's HARD. I can relate to how you feel.
I like the above comment "no matter what she says or does, do not get lost in the craziness". This is EXCELLENT advice, but difficult to do.
Because my mom does not realize that she's got Dementia and she "feels" fine, she questions why I am here. She doesn't realize that she put off & paying her bills and ignored the financial mess she got herself into, long before her diagnosis. She never took her medication and now I have to give it to her morning, noon & night. She has bad knees (refused knee replacement years ago) and is a SERIOUS fall risk, because she doesn't want to use a cane. She is vain and cares about what other people think.
I am new to this (my mom was diagnosed about 3 months ago) so I am working on strategies to help me not react to her. For me, reacting makes it worse. It's easy for me to walk away, but because I am in the same house as she, it's HARD to escape.
I am going to follow your post :-)

Wheretogo- as far as your parents go, I would learn to cope with the guilt. You will feel guilty no matter what you do. Preserve your mental health, and do not lose valuable time with your children and your husband. Whatever planning your parents did or did not do for their retirement, that was their decision. Add their very toxic relationship, and you need to set very firm boundaries. How prepared are your in-laws? Is your relationship with them better? I think, if parents are not abusive, you should make sure they are safe and taken care of. That does not mean you necessarily have to do the caretaking 24/7 by yourself in your home. If parents have always been abusive, then it is really what the adult child is comfortable with. People who have not grown up in an abusive environment do not understand what caregiving for your abusive parent means. D not worry about what your neighbors think. Worry about yourself and your immediate family. My mother passed away, but she required alot of care for several years. She had a very volatile temper and could be very verbally, and occassionally physically, abusive. I knew from the time I left home, I would never, ever let her live with me. I know full well what that is like, and I could never expose my family to that on a daily basis. I would make sure she was cared for, but not in my home. Feeling guilty is sometimes the lesser of two evils.

am an only child of parents that should have never been married. My father was a violent wife beating husband. He was unable to control his temper. My mother chose to stay even though she made more money. Fast forward I have spent a great deal of money and time to heal. I just wanted to enjoy my adult married life and raise our 2 children. Thankfully I have been able to keep my now adult children from the effects of my emotionally toxic parents. Well the dreaded time has come for them to leave their home and they are non-compliant. They both are still driving. They both have waited too long to make this much needed decision of planning for your aging years. I have spent much of my life trying to protect my mother from my father. However she doesn't want to do what she needs to do. So she won't leave my father but yet continually complains of how hard her life has been while blocking anything that might improve her circumstances. They both had cancer 3 years ago. That was a nightmare. I lost most of our daughters senior year of High School. After the worst of the hospital stays and Doctors visits were over I found myself unable to function well. I was getting lost driving familiar routes. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, due to all the violence and out of control behavior of my youth. Now I feel like it is all happening again. It seems that I have to choose to walk away but feel guilty about that. Or to sacrifice my own mental health. The neighbors look at me what are you going to do, or it is time to step up, however they don't understand that the law renders me powerless. My husbands parents need to be out of their home as well and he is the only living child. His parents are 1500 miles from us and mine are 2 hours from us. Thank you for letting me vent.

Thank you Dabs4mom~I am glad he is on hospice care too. Everything I have heard about hospice is positive. The family will need support from them as well. I wish we had called in hospice when my father was in final stages of dementia. I second dabs4momn, keep on sharing as it good for all of us. Hugs and love to everyone!!

sharyn: I'm glad to hear that your nephew is on hospice. They are truly remarkable when it comes to not only caring for the patient, but also the family. As a family member, don't be afraid to ask to speak to them for your own coping as well. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

Everyone else. I'll catch up when I have a little more time to type. In the meantime, keep your chins up, and keep on sharing...... it's good for all of us.

My sister sent me an email saying,"Are you thinking of having JG represent mom at the competency hearing?" ....my thoughts ?????. I sent back an email telling her that from what I understand, when we get a certification of incapacity from a dr., we give that to mom's attorney who will then work with us and represent us in court. I said, I am not paying for a conservatorship, it should be paid for out of mom's estate. She said she was confused and that I should keep the copy of the LTC policy because I seem to know more about what is going on than she does. It's only because of being on this site that I have information that she does not have. It doesn't mean I am right.

I received a call from APS today. The woman said she was following up on a visit to my mother's house a month ago and she wanted to know what is being done to help my mother. I told her mom had an MRI yesterday as part of a neurological exam and we are waiting for the results of that to determine a diagnosis of dementia and whether she is legally competent since we cannot make decisions for her until she has been certified incompetent. I told her I am over mom's house daily, on my days of work I am over 3 times a day making sure she is eating, she is getting meds everyday at the same time, and that she is safe. I told her mom is not wandering at this point in time. She said you are doing everything correctly. She said that we care correct that we cannot do anything more until we have the certification. She wanted to know if mom had an attorney and I told her yes. I told her we talked with mom's attorney in the fall because she cannot handle her finances, he told us he cannot help us until we bring him a paper saying a dr. has determined she is incompetent. She said that is correct, you are doing all that can be done at this time so I will not be following up with you unless there is some changes in the situation. I sent sis a email telling her about the phone conversation and she responded, "I guess they got your phone number from mom's PCP instead of calling me." Is this really want is most important...who gets called??? It's sis's own fault because she is not available most of the time. These are the boundaries she has set...I don't want to argue with her about it. I will do want needs to be done regardless of her being available. My vent and rant for the day!!

Sharyn, thanks for sharing about your nephew. It is sad isn't it? So young and just newly married. I'm so sorry. I really, really really hope that if he's in pain that they are handling it better than here on island. For your brother and SIL's sake, I really hope so. HUGS of comfort, Sharyn...book

P.S...with your mom...glad she made it thru...so..she forgot she's claustophobic and she's forgetting her inhibition...what ELSE will she be forgetting??? =)

You are right Joan, the impact on me has been hard. I did not expect it to be this way since I really don't know him. We have been in family gatherings together but he was a teen when my brother married his mother, so his desire to know us wasn't there because he was a teen (normal teenage thinking). The last time I saw him was when my brother's youngest son got married in 2007, and he had already been through the first go around with cancer in his colon then. We all thought he was going to be fine. Dr.'s said he would be fine. But I guess when something like that is genetic, there are no guarantees. He has only been married about 3 years, yes his wife knew he had already had cancer twice when they married. He worked at the same place my brother and sil work. He put in for transfer to Washington State where one of his brother's live and he and his wife moved, I believe it was the summer of 2009. They were there maybe only 6 months when tests showed the cancer was back a 3rd time in the liver again but this time dr.'s were going to have to remove 90% of his liver...no guarantees were given this time. The surgery was in Sept. of 2010 and dr.'s just closed him up because it was worse than they thought. He and his wife moved back here when he was well enough after the surgery and he has been on chemo pretty much since then. His dr.'s here in California are at Stanford in SF so he has had the best available for his situation. I am angry at times because it just isn't fair even though I know this is life. He went to see his father in May of 2011, his father was in final stages at that point. It impacted him so much that when he was offered radiation, he refused it because of what his father went through. I guess the radiation ravaged him and the pain was much worse. I can't help but wonder how much worse when this young man is being give a combo a morphine and methadone now. He has hospice care to manage his needs which is a blessing for his wife. My brother said the dr.'s have not given him a time limit and I don't think they asked because it really isn't important in the bigger picture. i did not ask my brother how much time he had left, he just volunteered that information. They can all spend time with him while he being kept comfortable, receiving support from hospice. I did finally tell a couple ladies I work with last night because I couldn't keep my emotions under control yesterday. The whole situation is heart breaking and I just keep thinking about him, his wife, my sil and brother...how they must be feeling.

Anyway, my mom had the MRI today with no problems. Maybe she has forgotten she has claustrophobia. I left for home after the MRI and sis took mom to the lab for blood work and then to the eye dr. The eye dr. asked my mom if she could read a certain line of letters. My sis said mom blurted out, "Shit no!" Sis said the dr. busted up laughing and couldn't stop for quite a while. I guess mom is losing her social inhibitions now, Lol!! After things settle down, I will post addressing people more specific and what is going on in your lives. I am thinking of you all and thank you for your support, I couldn't get through all this without each and everyone of you!! Hugs to you everyone!!

Thank you everyone. I know I can express myself here I just didnt want my feelings to be of focus in tnis situation because my brothers family must be feeling so much more. Than I am. I had a good cry yesterday and last night and I feel better abput things today. It just hit me hard yesterday. Thank you I appreciate it!

Thank you Emjo but my bro and sis are helping care for her feet/shoes. I don't want to take all of the credit as they have helped make things happen for the best care of my mom.

Sharyn I am sorry for such sad news. You and your family are in my prayers. Blessings

yogi - I bet your mum looked pretty with a new "do". :-) Glad you are getting her feet/shoes sorted out.Nothing like uncomfortable shoes. You are a good daughter!
(((((sharyn))))) of course you can express your feelings. That's what we do here. I know it is hard on you, as well as other family members. You didn't say his dad had died of the same thing 2 years ago. My bil died of colon cancer about 12 years ago, at the same age his mother had died from it many years before. He, at least, was 65. You nephew is much younger. It doesn't seem fair, I know. especially when you read about older people hanging on for so long. Please feel free to come here and vent about that too. I remember when my ex's sister died. I was not that close to her, but was to her mother - my mil at the time., and of course to my ex. The impact was great, and I had a lot of feelings to work through too. At one point I had quite a lot of anger, and had to avoid certain people I had focussed it on, as though I knew they didn't "deserve" it, but I still felt it. Eventually it wore off.
It's OK, book. I know you have a great deal on your mind between work and caregiving both parents. I don't know how you keep your head straight as well as you do.
Hi hessaw - interesting question, which has been touched on before in various places on AC. I kind of bridge the gap, being a distance caregiver for my mum who is 100, and being 75 years old myself. Truthfully, as we are a long lived family, I haven't given it a lot of thought other that making sure I had a decent income for my old age and working on my health. I retired only a couple of years ago. I have absolutely no expectations for caregiving as regards my kids. I think a major issue is providing for oneself financially. Another issue is living a healthy lifestyle which tends to promote better quality of life in the last years, as much as, or more than, many extra years, according to what I have read. It is something I work on, I really get concerned for the people who have given up jobs, financial security, friends, hobbies, and often their health in the process of caring for a aging, ill parent. It doesn't seem right to me. Who will look after them when their time comes? It is not a pattern that I would like to see passed on to the following generations. In the old days, there was more of an extended family to care for seniors, and that arrangement did not disrupt the life of adult children as much. Nor was there the prevalence of dementias as there is now, I think. Nor did people live as long. Society changes and we have to change with it. What are your thoughts?
cmag - hope you are sleeping better
margeaux - hubby should be back by now or soon, and with the computer!!!!~
austin - haven't seen you around much
everyone - take care!
Blessings - Joan

I like this topic: a universal problem when aging parents need our care. I believe that all those self-centered moms and dads, who used to be our all knowing caregivers, are now vulnerable oldsters, facing life's last challenge--dying. It's scary, and consumes them too often.
How can we, or, can we, prepare ourselves to spare our children this pain?

Hi Emjo, I stand corrected. Sorry I mixed your words in my mind. At first I thought you were pointing out the words “horrible” being replaced by “terrible.” In my mind, I was thinking that I’d much prefer the lesser evil word of “terrible.” Then it clicked on my head that you said “stories” and I replied “childhood.” Sorry about that.

Mamoogins – I’m sorry that your father has gone downhill so fast. But I’m so glad that you found a very good NH that actually cares about their clients and the clients’ family. That’s really rare from what I’ve been reading on this site. I’m glad that you and your husband can have peace of mind that he’s being well taken care of.

Sharyn – I’m so sorry. It’s Okay for you to be weepy and sad. It’s not really all about you. He is family. I just don’t know what to say. I kept typing and erasing several times. HUGS to you, Sharyn…

Joan~Thank you! It is going to be very hard on my sil to lose her son. I can only imagine how I would feel if it were me. You are right, it has impacted me. Last week I was angry because he barely got to be an adult before he had to fight for his life Today after learning he is on hospice care, I have been weepy and sad all day. I don't want to make this about my emotions even though I am sad for my brother's family. It is about what all of them are going through, his brother's and sister and my brother's 2 boys who grew up with him since they were 11 and 9. My sil does not share her feelings with us and my brother told me she spent the weekend of the 9th and 10th in bed. He knew something was wrong and all she told him was they needed to talk but not right now. She is the type who needs to process things before she talks about it. I don't know if I told you all that his father died from the same thing about 2 years ago.

Hugs to everyone!!

I visited my mom today. She got her hair done are the care facility. She looks so pretty. She smiles when I tell her. She had problems with her feel and my sis and I took her to the podiatrist 2 weeks ago. He smoothed out her calluses and told us of a shoe to get her made of leather and Lycra, a spongy type of thicker spandex material. Well, the shoes got here yesterday and I took them over today. They weren't the right size. So, she was diappointed but I told her we needed to get the right fit for her so she doesn't get more calluses. The store is drcomfort in case anyone else has bad feet themselves, diabetic or hammer toes and bunions. I called the company back and they will do mix matched shoes. My mom has one foot wider than the other. We have to pay for one pair of shoes then 1/2 the price more for another to get two different sized shoes. Hopefully, the new shoes will be in next week. ALL of you have been such great help and given me encouragement along the way. THANK YOU!!! Blessings!

Hi Margeaux - good to see you again. Nice of your neighbour to let you use their computer. My man is away too - I guess they gotta do what the gotta do. See you soon
mamoogins - sounds like it was a move that had to be made and was the best for everyone. What a welcome he got! It sounds lije a very nice facility and a caring community. You are right - you couldn't ask for better care than that. I do hope that you are hubby can relax and have a break now.
cmag - sounds like your mum was spoiled in a sense, and running home could certainly be seen as not wanting to take responsibility - for herself, her marriage, her child (you) - she wanted others to look after her
((((((sharyn))))) I am so sorry about your nephew. I know it has to impact you. I am glad they have hospice to help them through this. I know the pain your sil and the family are facing and it is really tough. more (((((hugs))))) - Keep us posted.

Hi everyone,

Mamoogins, I am happy to hear you are feeling good about the snh your father is in. Now you and your husband can enjoy time together. If a trip is what you want by all means go for it, you deserve it and will have peace of mind knowing your father is being taken care of.

Good to hear from you Margeaux!

Just an short update: My brother sent an email, his step son is in hospice. Brother and sil are not going to work right now, doing everything they can to be supportive of their son and dil. Take care everyone!!

MyWitsEnd and emjo, thanks for your insights. Now that you mention the word responsibility. Not taking responsibility was also part of her troubled work history. It was always totally the other person's fault. My wife and I think at the very bottom of things, my mother was just not ready to face the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. So, she abandoned him, took me to live with her parents where their servants could take care of me and her as well as absorbed me into herself to meet her needs while never meeting my emotional needs, etc. Now that I think about it, I think running home was also an act of not taking responsibility for her own actions unlike her sister who did not run back home with her three children when she got divorced. That might be over analyzing?

Hi, Margeaux, nice to see you back online.

Love, prayers and hugs to all.

I had to place my father in the hospital last week. Everything was breaking down; kidneys, colostomy, memory worsened quickly, pain throughout his body, his BP and sugar were all over the place, the list just goes on! Our doctor spoke with us and told us his good as well as ours, it was time to place him a nursing home. He now required more help than we could possibly handle.
He was released this past weekend to a skilled rehab/nursing home, where he stayed last summer after double pneumonia and congestive heart failure. It was like going home for him. He loved it there and the staff enjoyed him as well. As soon as in was brought in on the gurney, everyone was welcoming back (by name), the nurses were fussing because he was not on a certain hallway and wanted him back on their hall and he was getting high fives and hugs from everyone.
I really like this place and would recommend it to anyone needing care. Even some of the residents were there that he remembered and he kept wandering back to his old room, because he thought that was where he belonged. His old room mate would talk with him and then call for the nurse to gently guide him back to his new room. They are trying to work on getting the two of them back together again.
The administrator came up, gave me a hug and told me not to worry; that we had done all we could and now it was their turn. She told my husband and me to take a trip somewhere for a while and just relax, that we'd earned it.
You can't ask for better help and caring than that.

Hi Everyone,

I must catcfh up reading everyone's situations. I've been w/o our computer as my husband took it w/him on this last trip out of town, and he is returning tomorrow.
I've been able to use my neighbor's computer, but I just log in and check the very necessary, but don't want to monopolize it. I'm grateful I can do that. There's nothing like having one's own computer at home. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know, that I've had to read some posts very quickly on acount of this.
I'm so glad my husband is coming home tomorrow, I've certainly missed him.
So, just wanted to say, "Hello." I'll be back very soon. Miss all of you! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

((((thirsty)))) I am sorry for the way your family has treated you, and that your daughter doesn't know the truth. I do understand your decision to cut ties with them Also very sorry to hear that your husband is not well. Do come back and share more. i am sure it must be very difficult for you.
cmag - that is very good insight from mywitsend. As much as there may be some things you can say, as book suggests, that could help to some extent, your dad may never have the answers that he is seeking. Some things are not easily "fixable". I like what mywitsend says about taking responsibility - sounds like your mum was not good at that. Have you decided on how to deal with it?
susan - you are sounding a lot better than you were. Thanks for the love and support. I am so glad that your life took an upturn.
hi book - if you read my post again, I didn't say your childhood was terrible, I said that you had some horrible stories - the stories of abuse of children. However I know you have written before that your childhood wasn't great. I think I understand that you could not cope with knowing more about your childhood while caregiving your parents. Just the caregiving is traumatic enough. Seems they both are declining noticeably. You must have mixed emotions.
My grandson is a saver, actually, he handles his money well. It will not go on "toys". I am proud of the way he handles his money. A little proud grandma story - when he got his first paycheck for his first job, he put most if it in the bank, then spent a little on some clothes for himself from the thrift shop, and finally bought a small gift for his little brother and one for his little sister. It is one reason why I don't mind hiring him to do things. Nothing much different around here otherwise. I will know more about Gary's family when he gets back from his business trip later in the week.
mywitsend - that is quite a story about your grandfather, and hard to understand why anyone would do such a thing. Your grandmother sounds like such a dear.
yogi, It is so great that you are seeing your mum again - answers to prayers!!!
Hope everyone has a good week. More snow here - ugh! but the temperatures are not too bad. Gotta get to some inside chores today.
♥, hugs and prayers Joan

Cmagnum- similar story in my family. My grandfather left for work one day, and did not return. My grandmother was pregnant with their fourth child. We all knew this, but it was never discussed. She remarried later in life, but why he left haunted her. Years later, with the help of the internet, I found him. My father re-connected with him. He did tell him several times that my grandmother always wondered why he left. He would never respond. About five years later, my mother got suddenly very ill. It was a life threatening situation. Just as before, my grandfather faded away when my father could have used his support. I came to the conclusion that this was his personality. My dad accepted this. He still maintained a relationship, but never a close one. I would say my grandmother never got closure on why he left. I know it always bothered her. i always felt bad that my curiosity on the web might have brought her any pain, though lshe said it did not. She never said anything really bad about him, which of course she could have. I think there are some things you cannot give to your loved ones. This is probably one of them. Sounds like you are a good son, and you have let him know how much you love him. That probably gives him more comfort than any rationale from your mother would. Realistically, anything she has to say would not be helpful as she would likely not take any responsibility and would lay it all on him. The little my grandfather said about it, it was clear he took no responsibility for what he had done.

Emjo, I don’t know how terrible my childhood is. But the ones I do remember, I don’t think it’s too bad. Of course, for my younger sisters and I to have blocked out our childhood shows that it must be really really bad. I was a scaredy cat. When brother told me that father did some terrible things to mom, I did not have the nerve to ask what he did. I just cannot deal with the past while caregiving for them. Or else, I will pack up and leave. ..and you are right, mom is getting worse. I can tell from her coughing that she’s getting weaker. Her body is shutting down. And father’s senility is going fast too. I really, really hate caregiving! Everyone looks to me to make decisions and I have no legal authority over either one of them. Nor do I have the experience. I come here on AC to find as much info as I can....By the way, how is each of Gary's family doing?

Grandson appreciates all the money he can get. It will be spending money for whatever he wants to get or go out with friends. I remember being poor with no money. I would skip lunch and keep the money so that I can buy a coveted toy. Every morning, I would search the playgrounds for fallen coins. Walking on the road from the bus stop to the house, I was looking for coins. Then, when I got enough money, I take the bagful of coins and buy the xmas nativity scenes that I was saving up for months.

Margeaux? Where are you? Has your husband taken the computer again?

Thanks book, I had not thought about sharing how my mom also would turn and leave me in times of stress. She constantly let me down, but my dad never did in that sense, but he is a hard driving perfectionist. Last winter I made him a DVD with music and subtitles of all the photos taken of me and him on various visits and trips from 1960 something to 1984. It was an hour long movie. It took a long time to scan all of those slides and used Microsoft movie maker in my computer to create what became a DVD.

It is not unusual for a elderly person to review their life and try to come to terms to with things. They either conclude that overall they had a good life or end up in despair thinking their life was in vain.

I get the impression that at 87, he is content with everything about his life as a whole, but that one thing. I think he is basically living for three reasons. 1. To care for his dying wife whose pulmanory fibrosis continues to worsen. 2. To see me and my family one more time before he dies. 3. To make peace with his divorce.

Haven't been here for a while and see that so much is happening in your lives. Sending you love and support, and hugs across the miles today for everything that everyone here has to deal with today.