The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yes. I put my life on hold when I was age 23. I stayed behind to help out father with mom...due to the "honor your father and your mother." That was like 24 years ago. It was just father and I. Then father had a stroke 2 years ago and became bedridden. NO ONE of my 7 siblings nor their grown up children stepped up to help me. I had to ask oldest sis to come BABYSIT (she doesn't do pampers, light housekeeping, no sweeping, no sinks, no toilet - Nothing) both parents.

Mom passed away in March. 3 of my siblings told people that they will give their portion of mom's funeral money from people coming to her funeral. I found out later by asking around, that the bereavement money should have gone to me and my father. Me as their main caregiver and father as her surviving spouse.

They all didn't give a damn that I stayed here, put up with both the physical, verbal and emotional abuses from father. Only my baby brother gave me his portion of the money. Now, mom is dead, and her bills are coming in. Her insurance refuses to pay for it. So now we're stuck with paying for it. Now I'm sooooo glad that we never got hospice service (we tried so hard to get one - but too much red tape.)

gladimhere - oh my siblings KNEW the toll it took on me. I made sure of that. Every punches I got, or blackeye mom got, I told them. I told them 2 years ago that I was searching online for a 100% painless suicide method. I told them a year ago that I finally found it. I told them of my black outs, tilting, slamming into walls. I told them that my therapist said that I'm too exhausted. That I need help. That if I continue, I will die from exhaustion or end up in the hospital. I told them how much the pampers, wipes, mom/dad's medical costs, etc....They always did nothing. They were too broke (yet they can go on several out of the state vacations.) Sigh....Ohhhh...my siblings knew. They Didn't Care. As long as it's not them, they're fine. Mom's passing away showed me their true personality.

Yep, you're right. The siblings would be angry if they were not included or even given less or nothing.

Most siblings would be disappointed and even angry when an inheritance is not split evenly. But what they do not understand is the toll this takes on the caregiver emotionally and financially. They don't want to pay you for the care you have provided your mother because of the impact on what remains at death. Unfortunately, it happens way too often.

I so appreciate and can relate you all of you here! A couple of my siblings have stayed far and wide from the situation my dear Mom found her last years to be. She passed away this past Sunday, and had been fighting the after effects of radiation for colon cancer. She had chronic kidney disease, an inoperable colon tumor (has colostomy) and was incontinent along with heart issues from prior heart surgery . For the past 9 months, I have been with her daily, trying to keep her hope and spirits up. We saw some improvement, then she'd slide downhill again. My only sister lives 800 miles away and was unable and unwilling to even come to visit. At this point, she is not coming to the graveside service because she is on her yearly camping trip.
My oldest sibling had not visited or spoke to Mom since January at which time he informed her she was wasting his inheritance, spending for the 24/7 nursing care she required. This was done in the presence of her physical therapist that day! My two other siblings have attempted to visit and help me with her care, along with my daughter, but Mom wanted no one but me beside her. They at least came to visit once a week! I wouldn't have asked them to do the hands on personal care, nor did I attempt to call and keep them all informed. I was busy with Mom, and staying 2 steps ahead with patient advocating and care was exhausting as you all know.
Now Mom has passed and it's been one mean comment after another No one gives a crap that Mom is gone, they care that she didn't leave things fairly between the 5 of us. I'm worried that my nightmare is beginning all over again and I do not even know where to begin.

I am grateful to have found this sight and know that I have included each and every one of you in my prayers. I understand what you are going through.

Ya It was a combat zone at our house too, mainly my oldest bro vs dad n us, mom n dad, then mom n I - just like oil n vinegar, I left out on my own asap! I am grateful beyond words and thoughts to have this time to know the real mom under it all. She is the sweetest loving soul now, everyone loves her to pieces!! So maybe that is the way it is supposed to be...to make me the tuff girl I am today! and to appreciate life in this way! We have little to none in drama and letting go of the past has been the wonderful! Except for these healthcare issues/systems/boobs n their opinions, things couldn't get any better! Well a big bag of cash wouldn't hurt either, maybe I SHOULD start buying lotto tix, hehehe

Juju~My childhood was a combat zone. Mom has what I say is an undiagnosed paranoid personality disorder ( I believe 2 of her brothers had it too). You never could reason with her, she is always right, always a victim, distrustful, suspicious, has to be the center of attention, couldn't form bonds with family members, and has to have all the power and control. Dad was an alcoholic...there were secrets, lies, abuse, deception and betrayal. Gee, it sounds like a darn soap opera, LOL!! I have had counseling that helped me get over the anger, but when mom gets like she is right (and has been for 3 weeks), it brings back the feelings of childhood...I guess that is PTSD. I have to limit my time with her which makes me angry, but I don't want to be around her when she yells and screams what a disappointment I am. I hope in time, things will settle down so we can go back to how it was 3 weeks ago...our time together was so special and enjoyable. "Like sand through an hourglass, so is our life.", LOL!!! I have to find the humor or I would go nuts!!

Wow sharyn. that is how I felt about my momma till she got the dementia...fortunuately it changed her, erased the pain and depression she felt living her crazy life with dad. he was so personable and fun guy but a handful. Diagnosed about 1969 with Bipolar... a chaotic life for us all was ahead. she was just unhappy and angry and depressed at her situation. Having to leave the home n children to feed house n cloth us all. but nonetheless a person I did not like at all. I chose to just not be around them near the end till they needed me and asked me to help them! shortly after that dad was gone and I had mom since. There are so many open issues in my mind. Lies n secrets about the past mostly before I was born, etc... I will never know now and medical records from 50 and 60"s are probably long gone....idk

And so, by the way, I don't know if this is ok to say, but i live in the Asheville NC area. I would LOVE to hear from anyone in this similar situation! I think it would be so therapeutic!

I guess what I'm thinking is that it's great to have on-line discussions and feedback, but is there some kind of block in place that would prohibit people from trying to get together in support groups on their own, thru this site, in their own area? I feel so isolated, myself, by all this, that it would be so great to find other similar souls in my area!

Ok, here's my question. we have people writing from all over the country, I'm assuming. Is there any way that we can start up local support groups in our own geographical area, based on the people who are part of agingcare? I know for sure that having physical and support groups would REALLY be helpful. What does anyone else think about this idea?

gropup~With my mother it is about having this perfect image instead of being human. The fact that she will not admit she was a fault for something doesn't bother me anymore because I know the truth and so do my siblings. What gets to me is the manipulation, the comments from her that I am useless, I want to get rid of her, I told the dr. lies about her that is why the dr. says she can't live alone or make decisions in her own best interest. I love my mom, but I don't like her.

Haven't posted here in a while...been busy with ma's recent health issue's but just want to say hi and things are going OK....I have seemed to pull myself outta the CGComa as I called it...things are looking up, I now have options and "some sort of" control...long ways to go but happy and confident again, taking baby steps. but as I said Mom has had some health issues recently and still trying to sort that out! I got some catching up to do here, questions and hugs to return etc...! Hope everyone is doing well!

Betterdays – I have 7 siblings. I UNDERSTAND why they will not help with the parents. We had a very very dysfunctional childhood life. Everyone fled home as soon as they could – sisters married the first guy they met (landed from one fire to another). Still, if they don’t want to help Physically, atleast help Financially so that I can hire a caregiver to give us (oldest sis moved in this past January – only because her daughter decided it’s time she live her own life – which does NOT include her mother.) …I keep hoping that Karma will visit my siblings so that they know what father and I went thru.

Gropup – secrets…I’m glad that you have love for your mother. This will help you when the times get tough. I’d be going crazy about the secrets.

It is difficult to realize your Mom was not all she seemed to be, and now as elderly parent, there still are secrets that Mom will not admit to. So how can you even care when there have been lies and no honesty? It is hard,yet I still love her!

I have never in my life experience selfish and uncaring siblings. I hope that one day they wake up and realize the sacrifices Mom made for them. They too are mothers and the day will come when they will be sitting in the same condition as my mom wondering where there children are. I've done everything possible for my mother and continues to do. I'm just so sad that she is going down everyday and I want her to be happy on her way out. God, my husband is driving me crazy with so much noise I can bearly express myself. I wish he would go somewhere right now so a I can have a piece of mind. I feel for my Mom, and it must be lonely in there wherever there is. Pray for me.

2months ago? Thanks. I don't have an IPad. I'm going to see if it's the same as the kindle.

Hi everyone. Not much happening here other than the ringing of my right ear. Later. Only 630am. I want to sleep just another 15min.

Book, I see it on the computer, it showed up about 2 months ago. I never use it so never paid attention to it. It is not visible at all on my Kindle. On my cell, I just see a portion of the white strip but can't access it.

The realtor said we don't have to do anything to the house to sell it because everything is in excellent condition, YAY!! :)

Sharyn, I recently couldn't find the "FOLLOW THIS" button. It USED to be on the top of the Question or Discussion. Remember, it would have FOLLOW this, EMAIL, or PRINT, FB, Tweet, FLIKE, etc.... Now it's all taken out from the Top page. AC moved it to the LEFT SIDE of your screen. If you go to your laptop or personal computer, it will show on your LEFT SIDE - right outside your left Border Line. Inside your Left Borderline is your name/avatar and comment. Outside That Left Border, is "Follow, Print, Email, FB, Tweet," etc...

Okay, you answered my question. Are you able to play around with your Kindle to show the Left side of your border that has that box of Follow, Print, Email, etc....?

Book-I am reading from my kindle.I don't see a follow this button. What page is it on?

I will see what the realtor says. To replace the ceramic tile countertops and ripping out the carpets, refinishing the hardwood floors is going to cost more than $10,000

Sharyn, I watched enough "Sell this House" reality show. I learned from their secret footage that most people already figured they're spending a lot of money on the house. Why on earth will they spend more to renovate it? They don't have the time or the money. So, if you want to sell your mom's house, why don't you all start watching that show. Get some tips. Most of the time, it's important to have furniture in the house - an empty house makes it look unappealing. Overcrowded with personal stuff makes the house look smaller. Even if the new owner is going to replace the curtains, sofas, etc...if your current ones look awful, that impression is what the buyers will remember. They don't think that they will be changing it anyway. Check if you can watch it online for free. Get some tips from it.

Well, AC did put back one tight HUG of COMFORT. It's the 2 cats lying face-to-face. I'm glad. I asked if they could put one back because when one is suffering from deep depression, those HUGS let them know how deeply we feel for them.

Does anyone use a Kindle for reading AC? AC has moved the "FOLLOW THIS" button to the left side-bar. They no longer put it on the top. My Kindle HD Fire cannot move to the side so that i can hit the "FOLLOW" button on the left. Has any of you done this using your Kindle? I've shrank the page as smalll as possible and still cannot access it. I widened the borders and still can't access it. Now when I read in the middle of the night, I won't be able to hit "FOLLOW" for a more detailed reading when I go on my laptop. Help?? =)

I am feeling better about the situation regarding sis not using mom's money for her own a/c and heater.We are heating up here, expected to reach 112 by monday.Tomorrow a realtor is coming to mom's house to give us an estimate of the value...what we may need to do to increase the value...hopefully not much, the house is in excellent condition, roof is about 10 years old. I don't want to spend lots of money to make it ready to move in. If potential buyers want granite counters, refinished hardwood floors and different colors of paint, then I think they should spend the money to customize the house how they want it.

I wish you all a happy 4th of July!!
Sharyn

But they took away the HUGS of Comfort.

AC has new HUGS.

Sharyn - sometimes when Medicaid does the 5-yr look back - does not mean they Always require the person to pay it back. I've read from several posters who said that there is an equation done. And based on this equation, they had to pay for their parent's Private pay at NH until Medicaid kicks in - several months down the line. So, depending how Medicaid chooses to deal with it. One- your sis will be responsible to pay it back. Or Two - you All suffer by having to fork out your own money to pay for your mom's cost until Medicaid kicks in. I don't have time to search it on AC to find this info for you. But, I've read it over and over on different threads. Do not assume that it will only be your sister to suffer the consequences. Let's hope she stops trying to think of using your mom's money as a "loan." {{HUGS}} Book

Sharynmarie,

Definitely, I had written another post (unposted), this one was more in the vein, of you and your brother not allowing your sister to acquire this money. Besides legally, it appears that your mom's attorney has your mom's ultimate decision in his power. I'm so happy for you, that she asked the attorney, this way it doesn't end up being your sister vs. you, way more diplomatic in the bigger picture.

Yes, one can never know how long anyone is going to live.
I had an ex-friend, who naively thought she'd take out a mortgage, against one property to finance a 2'd mortgage on a fixer upper to move her ill mother to our state from NY. The woman was at the time 87yrs. old. She had cancer, and my friend thought she was going to move the mom to take care of her til her death.
Well, she went through all the escrow, lawyers, etc. She and her beau moved into the 2nd property and spent too much $$ remodeling. Then when they actually went to pick up mom in NY, guess what? The mother refused to move. Then about 8 mos. later, the mother died. The economy tanked shortly after, and eventually my friend lost this, and had to short sale the the first property. So, I learned, from watching and hearing about all of this, that many things in life are really completely out of our control, no matter how much we as humans seem to think that we have some upper hand knowledge about events. Many outside factors can happen to change everything.

In the event that your mom does live longer, she will need the money for her care,
that isn't rocket science.

Glad to know that the lawyer, isn't a push over too, in this case.

Hugs back, and Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oops!! I didn't tell you...Hugs to both Margeaux and Book!!

Margeaux~You are right,however, sis decided to be totally honest and she called my mom's attorney about it. He told her "absolutely NO!" He told her, "Your job is to manage your mother's money so that it lasts as long as possible." This takes me and my brother off the hook. I have been trying to get sis to buy a portable room a/c that I saw on QVC for $485.00, she could have got it on their easy pay plan where they would deduct it from her checking account for 6 months. Unfortunately, she is very hard headed like my mom, it has to be perfect. Plus I was thinking that in my sister's situation, she may very well be forced to retire by the time she is 65 because her company may not want her to stay because of her health issues, she will have to go on medicare for insurance. As I said, I really believe my mom will still be living in 5 years because of the Namenda...it has kept my mom stable without any real decline since moving her and you understand what I mean due to the trauma and stress of the move...a person with dementia would tend to decline. My point being...my mom is most likely going to need that money invested with Charles Schwab to continue paying for her care...that is what is there for...no guarantee of an inheritance as nice as that would be. Sis really should have sold her house back in the late 90's when I was trying to talk her into buying a 2 bdrm condo here in town, she could have paid cash for it and would have had money left over to invest. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Book~I have been thinking about the 5 year look back and if my mom should ever have to get medicaid and there are discrepancies due to sis's mishandling of mom's money, she would have to pay it back for sure I think she will continue to be honest because she does have that code within her.

Sharynmarie,

I completely can identify with your feelings of anger regarding your sister's,
"dipping into your mom's accounts." My understanding of inheritance, of anything is that it happens after the trustor's death.

On the one hand, I realize also that your humanity kicks in, you don't want your sister's health aggravated because her a/c, and heat do not work. I remember some time ago too, you did write about how she managed to get things from your mom in the past, so I'm sure this factor is in the background.

My brother "golden boy," has done this all of his life. On top of all of it, he's always has been bad with money. I thought it was pretty dangerous, while he was the POA. My sister, other brother and myself always knew there was tons of mismanagement, then he was on most of mom's and her sister's bank accounts.
Our aunt, then changed the POA to my sister and youngest brother.

Golden boy went through lots of money;we just don't know where it went.
Then, he didn't do upkeep, on some rentals owned by both mom and aunt.
These were in serious dis-repair. So in essence, there's plenty of evidence my brother really has probably received his "inheritance," way before it's time.
This is why we became estranged from him for several years, mostly coming from him because the POA, was yanked.. Well boo hoo!

So later, it wasn't until he literally came crying to my sister w/his health problems last year, then his marriage falling apart right after that. Well of course, our human side kicks in, and even I've felt badly for him. My sister though, feels more sorry for him than I. But my brother's attitude just doesn't at all exhibit any humility, no sense of he acknowledging that he has been always in entitlement mode. So if ever my sister starts to overly boo hoo either his personal or financial woes, I do remind her of his past grievances.

Well, as to the nuts and bolts of all of this, all I can say or ask, is what role does the attorney play in all of this. I remember you and your sister had a rather hard time w/him, regarding having your mom placed in the ALF.

I don't think it is fair when ever either the preferred child in a family, uses their bad choices to continue to acquire favors and money. The rest of us feel it.
All I can say, is that if you and your brother do decide to go ahead and allow your sister to have access to this money, might I suggest that you get this in writing,
word for word, the part about how she'll deduct from inheritance. Please don't go thinking that because she is a sibling that there is no need to do this. As awful as this kind of legality sounds, and we know because it's a trust issue.....protect yourselves. Besides, if you are saying she is having problems with her memory right now, best to have it in plain view for the future.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Assuming you are getting an inheritance, is one reason to make conservative purchases, if you sell the house, it becomes a liquid asset and comes under scrutiny, if you misspent money, you may have to pay it back...according to the government and you will not get public aid for costs endured, the house will be considered a liquid asset.

As long as she owns her house, she will have senior exemption from taxes. as long as her residence is seen as a place she will move back into (really or not) one day, her house can gain equity back and not be lost in this down turned economy.
If she is having trouble managing her finances, she needs to talk with an adviser.
Of course, she could qualify for living in a younger facilty, because diabetes is considered a disability.

No, I think it's wrong of your sis to ASSUME that you all will get an inheritance. I think you all need to put your foot down on this. Because you are right, once you start dipping,it will not stop. Something just as "important" will come up. And truly, when she touches that $5000.00 - it WILL be noted by Medicaid. They WILL check the cash flow. I've read that over and over on this site.

She reminds me of several people whom I know who keeps remortgaging their home. Their house could have been paid off now but....NOT. I just don't understad their reasoning. Yes, sis made a lot of "right" choices at the time but for the Long Term time - she made a lot of unwise choices. Now she's feeling the consequences. Too bad.

A relative of mine's husband retired from the local govt. They both decided that he would cash in his retirement instead of getting it monthly for years. I told them to not cash it in but....they cashed it in and went thru that money like it was water. Now his job at the federal govt has some mandatory budget cuts. His paycheck is now affected by it. If they had not cashed in his retirement from the local govt, they would have had that extra monthly income to cover the budget cut until the Feds go back to full time work. But, I keep my mouth shut because what's done is done. You can't go back. You just have to live with the choices you made.

Book~When my mom was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated and we went to her elder law attorney, he told us we could do whatever we want with her home. The money from the sale of her house goes into mom's accounts with Charles Schwab, we cannot divide any money up until after she passes away. My mother will not be able to be approved for Medicaid until the LTC Policy runs out (in 4 years) and the money with Charles Schwab which will pay after the LTC Policy. This is wear I don't think my sister is seeing reality because she is basing my mother's longevity on the fact that most people when placed in a NH live about 2-2 1/2 years at most. However, mom is not in a NH, plus she taking Namenda. My father lived about 2 1/2 years after being placed in a nursing home, he was not taking Namenda (Namenda was not available then), he was not taking Aricept either because mom said "he was having side effects" which she claims with all prescription medicine. We are not splitting up any money. Sis wants to use my mom's money to replace her own a/c and heater at the same time we replace the a//c and heater in mom's house. It will cost about $5,000 per house. She will deduct this amount from her inheritance when mom passes. I understand my sister's need because of the heat we have during the summer months here, and her health issues. My concern is....is there going to be something else in the future she will need to dip into mom's money for because she can't afford to pay for it and it affects her due to her health?? She should have sold her house about 15 years ago but she wouldn't because....a mobile home was not good enough for her, a condo with no yard work was not good enough for her...so here she is 45 min. away from my city, living in a 2,000 sq.ft. home with a huge backyard and she can't take care of it. She has refinanced twice to pay for new roof and other expenses. She is 60 years old now, she can't afford to retire even when she turns 65, she is stage 4 diabetic. When she divorced her second husband, she should have sold that house and moved back here to the house she owned here in town. Instead she sold the house here in town because she didn't want to go on welfare a second time...while she supported her daughters from her first marriage and she went to school. She got the job she now has plus she was getting a second income by being the bookkeeper for our Congressman's campaign office (a friend of her's was the campaign manager). The Congressman retired from politics in the early 90's so she lost that income. She would have been fine if she didn't start refinancing the house to pay for a new roof and other expenses. The house is still not paid for yet. This house of bought in 1977. Then her health went down hill due to her alcoholism, the recession hit in 2008 and she lost a 1/3 of her pension in the stock market. Bad choices from the beginning because she had to have more than what she afford or manage to take of.