The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Welcome ABB~I have read several of your posts on the YOU thread!! Your insights are great and very welcomed here. I am sorry about what is going on right now with you regarding your mother and financial abuse. I post occasionally on YOU and so I keep up with Book. Please come back and share if you feel comfortable because we will appreciate your posts!! Hugs to you!!

Bwaaahaaaahaaa! I might have found "vent thread" nirvana here.

I love participating in the "YOU" thread on AC, but this might be an additional useful "vent thread" for me. My family put the "D" in dysfunction, to be sure! Ok, ok... so all of your families ALSO put the "D" in dysfunction... even better! I'm looking forward to reading up on what you all have going here over on this thread, and I'll share my own personal survival tactics, lol.

For now, its enough to know that I (we) am truly not alone... are we... obviously not. Obviously there are plenty of people that manage to do both caregiving (really tough job) to dysfunctional family (beyond words in toughness).

So hello, CaregiverDysfunctional thread, I'm Alison and its nice to meet all of you. I'll spend a little time reading up and take it from there. ;D

Joan~I do know...if your mother is considered competent then it is really hard to get her to accept medicine especially if she knows what it is for. My mom as you know, refused to take Namenda or an antidepressant as long as she knew what these drugs were for. When we went through mom's house, we found several medical dictionaries and prescription drugs and side effects books. She read everything because she felt she was informed doing so, but she used the information against herself most times. Attorneys will probably tell you that your mother is allowed by law to be "eccentric and a little nutty". If you are allowed to make decisions for her with the documentation you have...POA, etc, as long as your mom is not incompetent she can most like override your decisions. The only thing I can think of that might work for your benefit of helping her, is if she is diagnosed with a mental illness that can be stabilized with drug therapy, that the laws may concerned her incompetent without these drugs and supervision. The difference between your mother and mine is that my mother fears authority figures and your mother seems to have no problems with people who have authority over her, she will still do what she wants. It has never occurred to my mom to call the police or a taxi to take her out of the community. If she did call the police to get her out, the community cannot legally hold her.Her fear of authority prevents her from thinking about going in that direction. She threatens it...and she threatened to leave California when she still lived at home, to go back the Pennsylvania. Even her dr. told her that the laws are the same in PA as here in CA. Yes last year was very hard for me and sis and I would not have been able to cope as well as I did without the support I received here from you and many others. It ends up being a wait and see what happens until your mother declines further. With the evaluation they are going to do, I hope they do a brain scan to rule out mini strokes (TIA'S) with your mother. My heart goes out to you as you deal with all this but we are here for you and you are in my prayers and thoughts and I will call a few people to also pray that your mother will be more receptive to the dr.'s caring for her. HUGS to you!!!

Thanks Margeaux - mother is not in her ALF and I don't think she wants to be there. She was bad mouthing them this morning and called 911 to report them before 7 am. The paramedics came and that is when they called me and I suggested she go back to the hospital. She is there now and calling her lawyer saying she won't allow the hospital to do anything without her lawyer present. I have contacted the lawyer who will have all the notarised documents ready for me to pick up on Monday. Re break - I am so glad we had one. Gary is in the middle of it all again at work and also with his horses - more crises with them. It has been a bad year. Surprise - my sister is being supportive right now but I know that can change in a flash and she can use what I have told her against me. I am trying to keep the family updated and have a number of emails/phone calls to make. I know she will not be of any help - as you say she won't dirty her hands. I do think your neighbour is being catty and the wine does not help.
Margeaux, I so identify with your account of your time overseas and your mothers guilt tripping you. BTDT!!! And the "castrating" words is a good way of putting it. Yes we get drawn back in to the old feelings

sharyn - you know the road I am walking with mother. I called the hospital and the nurse was quite cool to me and said she could tell me nothing without my mother's permission - quite a different story than the other day. She said she would tell mother I called and I suggested that probably would not help the situation. The lawyer told me that I am her personal agent and can deal with the hospital, ( I suppose only if she is deemed not competent) and she will have the document notarised and ready for me - and also the EPA for the bank. I asked the nurse if they had the info from mother's recent visit and she said yes, and your mother is bipolar. Aaaargh. My confidence dropped. I corrected her and said she has never been diagnosed bipolar but she has been diagnosed Borderline PD. That, of course, did not help our communication. I also told her that the story about the doctor telling her he would put her in a nursing home was not true. She sounded surprised. By this time I was not too impressed and she realised it. She told me that she could not give me any information without mother's permission and that if the evaluation showed that mother was competent they would let her go. I would not be surprised if this happened as mother is very bright and manipulative. What mother would do then I have no idea, but it would not be good. I really need to get to the RCMP and file a report of what happened the other day, so she will be under their radar, but have been busy on the phone today and emailing. No use going on the highway now as the traffic is dreadful. Oh Lord, I am glad your mother is safe where she is, even if not happy about it. In my view you are right about the filing cabinets and also midget expenses.
This is not easy. We should get Caregiving 101 in high school - it is a necessary life skill for many.
(((((((hugs)))) to all

Midget was very good last, no barking at every little noise. I took her with me to visit my mom and all the attention from residents in memory care and on the assisted living side (people on AL side remember her living there), wears her out. Plus I took her with me to petsmart afterwards to buy a cat tree for tiger so he has a place to get away from her when he comes in the house.

The point of this post is that my sister said she would pay 1/2 the cost of the cat tree out of mom's money since it is related to midget. Sis also said she would pay 1/2 the cost of the fee for having midget go through training at petsmart to stop her from barking and teach her to ignore the cat. My sister means well, but I took midget into my home by choice so that mom could see her more often than if my brother took her. I will not allow my sister to use mom's money for it because the way I look at it is that midget is now my responsibility.

When sis first started taking over all of mom's financial paperwork, which is huge because she also has past records on mom that she needs to keep, we discussed the matter of filing cabinets. Sis checked with the company she works for because they have several filing cabinets sitting around unused. They told her they were in bad shape...drawers didn't open and close properly. Sis asked me if I would have a problem if she order 2 new cabinets with mom's money. I told her that I felt she needed to have the cabinets so that she can organize all of mom's business papers, medical...past and present. I told her I had no problem as long as you are not going to insist on expensive oak cabinets (sis likes everything to be very elite). As we were talking on the phone, I looked online to see what was available...the oak cabinets were like $450 each, there were some other metal cabinets more reasonable that were sturdy...not the flimsy metal like my mom had where the drawers were bent from the weight of the files. Anyway, she got the reasonably priced cabinets. I see nothing wrong with this because it is 100% related to my mom's needs.....it does not really benefit my sisters needs other than the ease of organization in her home. Paying for 1/2 the cost of midget's training or for the cat tree is very different because midget is not living with my mom. I think my sis feels she wants to give something to help me because of the cabinets.

Take care everyone and I hope the coming weekend is pleasant and relaxing for you!! Hugs to all!

Margeaux~I am feeling physically more like my old self, having energy again. I wonder if the 1/2 tablet of the muscle relaxer is allowing me to sleep better than I have been. Yes those old feeling to surface, but it is so strange because when I visited her yesterday, she was so happy to see us...mostly midget, which is fine that her attention is on the dog....takes the pressure off me, LOL. She hasn't been calling since my sister talked with them on monday and they found out mom was sneaking into the nurses office and to other residents rooms to make the phone calls. I guess I just wish that some day my mom would get over her victim mentality but I know it won't happen...it's too ingrained in her thinking. I hope you are well and that your mother is doing good. Take care, Hugs!!

Joan~I am so sorry this is happening with you and your mother. It does sound like your mother may benefit from some medication to help with her anxiety and paranoia. I know placing her in a locked out facility will be hard and a big adjustment for both of you. The lack of support from your sister only adds to your stress. You are in my thoughts and prayers and HUGS to you!!

Sharynmarie,

I realize that the insensitive things your mom says about you, still seem to affect you. You do quite a lot for her, and really for your whole family.

I remember when I was younger, and I being the eldest....there was a role I played w/in the family which was looking out after everyone, including my own mother, she being so emotionally dependent upon me. But when I realized this, even when mom would say insensitive things to me, or the behavior was one of the passive aggressive, it helped me to step back and look at it as the observer.

I think I wrote about the fact that I once went to Europe, it was to be a 2 mos. vacation. Of course I was younger and wanted to travel, so went first and foremost of all for my own reasons. I liked it so much, I stayed there for 3 yrs. WOW!!
You should have witnessed, the drama my mother started when she realized that "I", ME, MOI....really making my OWN decisions as an adult, and separating myself from the family. Since in my culture....this is a biggie. In many instances many parents do not encourage especially their daughters to venture out, no less go across the continent and experience life. If mom had it her way, I'd been married, tied down with a couple of kids.

Oh, believe me.....mom during those years of my absence I heard.... started to put out gossip, as if I'd abandoned the family. Yes, I didn't keep in touch for several mos. at a time. But I did this because first of all there wasn't any internet in those days. The country I was living in, most people then had no phones in their homes.
If I wanted to make a call, I had to go to the center of the city to a main office, and that was quite an expensive call. Besides I made a conscious decision not to keep in contact because any time I did....mother managed to do a complete guilt trip on me, to see, or always wanted a time-line as to when I was coming home. For crying out loud, I was into my early thirties already!!

Well, upon my return...oh and I did have a return ticket to go back to Europe, because I had a wonderful boyfriend there (who I was living with). Anyway......
I unfortunately bit the bait.....returned when my youngest brother was marrying the difficult sil. Upon my return, though I did not want to stay at my parent's home.
I stayed w/a cousin who was more like a brother to me. At the wedding, I was there w/my cousin. I started to feel the jet lag, since it was only 3 days since I'd arrived. Do you know that mother saw us leaving in the parking lot, and she came to ask me, "When was I coming home?" I could tell that in the tone of her voice,
and the glare she was so good at giving me, and my sister when she wanted to impose her control on us, she meant, as in "moving back." Talk about a form of castration, that a parent does to some of us either via behavior as what I'm describing. Some parents do it with words, as I think happens in your case.
Well, after having been away for the time I was away, living, learning, having my own experiences.....it was so crystal clear who it was I was dealing with. This was a very possessive mother. Believe me.....it did instill fear in me, because this is what mother employed as her bag of narcissistic tricks to control. But not anymore, at least not at this level. As I said, it did throw me for a loop me being there, for the wedding.....then mother (who obviously had enough going on w/the wedding), had to come and say this to me, this day! For a split second, it took me back also to all the times she used this dirty tactic.

I affirmatively decided, that even if mother was going exhibit this kind of behavior, I wasn't going to allow it to castrate me of my independence, my OWN self worth, confidence or any of that. It's not easy either, I'm aware no less when they are now elders, and it is said that many of the old dynamics resurface, as to the roles within the family. Anyway, what this taught me....was I was not going to allow mother to throw me back to the dark ages. Later on throughout the years, I continued to have heavy challenges with mom, especially while her sister was in the picture, she being the master narcissist.

I'm aware though....that you are much more involved in the care of your mother than I am. Also, your mom sounds like she really resorts to unkind statements,
so that is somewhat different. But no matter the type of narcissism.....please be kind to yourself, and trust in the fact that you are a good person in all of this.

We do have to be realistic also. You cannot squeeze water out of a dry sponge!
This is somewhat of the philosophy, and part of our own inner work we must remind ourselves to do, remember the emotional detachment.
O.K., take care of yourself. I'll tell you, I've had a pinched nerve in the neck area.
If one is all keyed up, and not getting proper rest....it will take longer to heal too.
You are in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux



What has helped me, is I do some meditating and affirmations.

Emjo,

What an ordeal you have had to go through, no less when you were taking a break.
Definitely from what you have been describing, it really sounds as if in this case, your mom may benefit from some kind of medication.

Her behavior is starting to remind me of our narcissistic aunt. Now I'm wondering whether in fact my sister may have had this POA directive; she did not have MPOA of our aunt, and maybe assumed she had no power about what went on w/her.

I'm am glad, for you that they will be monitoring her at her ALF, so that you don't have to be making those trips to her ALF, as I know it's not a hop, skip and a jump.

It's good that you were able to get out on a holiday, no matter what. Oh, I feel for you in this case with you sister. The lack of help in and of itself is bad, then when you do not even get some kind of moral support from siblings like this, it's really terrible. We've gone through this, with the lack of understanding from our two brothers, who as I've written many times don't get their hands dirty with any of the problems, and hands on caregiving about neither our aunt, while she was alive,
nor now mom.

Oh, about my wine drinking neighbor. I think what hit a nerve the other day with me, is she seems to making these kinds of remarks about people's dental, more often. She just did this not over a week ago about another neighbor, who is missing some teeth. Now I had to point out to her.....that this neighbor, as does this young girl at the bottom of their dental problems, they've really no money to take care of it. She's just being catty IMO. Besides, I'm getting ready the next time if she does make a disparaging remark, to remind her that everyone has flaws,and if we'd look at our own, maybe we wouldn't be so opinionated about other people's.
Also, I'm really starting to wonder whether she's had a glass or two before she's made them. I used to go have a glass with her, but lately have been really limiting this. She also becomes moody after a night of wine.

O.K. Emjo, hang in there. You are in my thoughts, and hoping that things calm down with your mom. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Update - I spoke with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and she said mother was willing to go back to her ALF. We talked about her paranoia etc. and I agreed that they do a follow up neurogeriatric eval. They were going to do it by visits to her at her ALF. I also checked the correspondence I have had with her lawyer, and I am named on mother's personal directive as well as POA, so I have to authority to make decisions on her behalf about her care, as well as deal with financial matters. Mother was discharged yesterday went home to her ALF, then called 911 this morning, very agitated, accusing the ALF staff of being useless and wanting to send her to an expensive nursing home "down south" etc. The paramedics came. I told them she needed to go back to the hospital. At first mother wouldn't speak to me, but then she did and is pleased to go back to the hospital. I am afraid that the only option now, or very soon, is a facility with a mental health mandate - probably a closed unit as she would not stay in one voluntarily. I suspect she needs to be medicated to easy her anxiety. As much as I hate to see people medicated, it may be better than her living with the anxiety caused by the paranoia, and, of course. would make her more manageable. Obviously, I have some mixed feelings about this, but it seems to be the right course of action. I will travel down there once I have recovered from the trip. We drove about 10 hrs yesterday and my ankles were swollen by the time we got here. However it was a good holiday and a great break from everything.
Hope everyone has a good day (((((((Hugs)))))) Joan

Margeaux , thank you for your words of wisdom and comfort. I was so down when I posted the other day and after giving this some thought, I have come to realize that my family members are more hot air with their empty threats! Dad always said none of us owned a pot to pee in nor a window to throw it out! just typing that makes me laugh! Mom was so unhappy in these past 9 months. Although her mind was for the most part still very intact, she just could not accept nor deal with the failing of her body. But she was adamant in her wishes and I will spend the rest of my days making sure that her wishes are followed, whether to others satisfaction or not. Fact of the matter is, ignorance makes one act a little irrational and not many of my family wanted to take time from their busy lives to find and face the facts. I not only did, but I also have a share of blame as I did not especially clue them in on each and every detail. As the primary caregiver, it was all I could do to keep Mom content and happy and keep myself sane. As I face the coming days (we lay Mom to rest on Thursday), I am concentrating on my love of family and allowing my heart to grieve without bitterness. Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts and I wish some peace to shine its light on you and yours. I appreciate the caring and sharing I have received from this group.

(((((((mamm59))))))) sorry I missed you - been a bit hectic here. Hope it all works out without too much trouble. I am well aware of the troubles sibs can cause, especially where money is involved.

Margeaux - I expect you are right about inheritance and I agree with you - if there is something left over afterwards, fine, but the main purpose of the money our parents built up is to care for themselves.

sharyn -sorry about the neck/arm problem, but glad you are getting onto it. At least Midget is some comic relief. I am so sorry to hear about your brother's mil. They have a lot to deal with. Mother's actions are gutsy, but very misplaced. She had nowhere to go once she arrived, if she had gotten a ticket and flown east, no one knew she was going, no one there knew she was coming, her reasons for going were not sensible, and we would have had the same scenario at an airport in the east as we had here. There is bad flooding in Toronto streets right now as well. The hospital nurse, and her case worker agree she has not acted responsibly in her own interests. I spoke with the hospital again this morning and what I told them about her last night had not been passed on, so I gave them more detail. The nurse was shocked to hear that mother's account of her ex doc wanting to put her in a nursing home never happened. They were waiting on a psychological assessment. I am glad I was able to share with them. I also called mother's health care case worker who was also shocked about the paranoia when I told her about the imagined convo with her doctor, and also about mother thinking her ALF was plotting to put her in a nursing home, had lowered the temp of her frig on purpose etc. This gal has a very good understanding of mother as she has dealt with her over the last year. We laughed about no good deed going unpunished. She has experienced that. She confirmed that there was nothing I could do and that the hospital would not discharge mother until she had a suitable placement. She also said that the POA was only good for financial matters, not medical decisions, and for that would have to be "enacted" by a doctor who knew mother well, but as mother has no doctor at the moment that could not happen. I need to contact the lawyer to confirm that. So the hospital will make the decision as to where she goes. The case worker said that mother would not qualify for a nursing home, as she is too well, so the alternative would be a facility with a mental health mandate, and she thought that mother would not like that. She hoped mother would return to her ALF - properly medicated. In the past, mother has refused to take any meds for mood, depression etc. so she is at a cross roads in many ways. My sister has said very little. She asked me to contact her to discuss what to do about mother’s situation, and has not responded to the info I sent. I am sure she will be critical of me no matter what happens. I will contact the hospital again tomorrow to get an update and advise them if we will be home a day late. G and I have had a good break – up till now - and seen much beautiful scenery. He is working today at the office here and we will have to stay over another night as things have come up here in the business that have to be dealt with. Prayers would be appreciated. Hang tight everyone and do something good for you! Joan

Mammy59~I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard enough without family members wanting their entitled inheritance while they contribute nothing to the care or respite of the person involved or the family caregiver. Margeaux is right and I hope all goes well for you in this next phase of the journey.

PP~I too am the family scapegoat. It is not easy because no matter what I do, my family members still treat me at times as though I don't know what I am talking about.Unfortunately it is a learned behavior from my mother because I am the youngest. The attitude towards me gets passed on to my siblings spouses. Yes talk with your hubby, let him know how you truly feel and set some boundaries.

Joan~Wow, your mother has really taken a gutsy move on her part...though not thought out enough in the long run. Are you thinking she is having a psychoctic break from reality or possibly dementia? An evaluation from a Geriatric specialist is a good idea. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your trip...it sounds like you and Gary are having a good break together.

My brother's mil passed away last night. My sil's son was planning a retirement party for my brother and sil on the 13th, of course it has been postponed for now. Sil has had her share of losses this year. It affects my brother as well.

I have a pinched nerve in my neck, dr. prescribed a muscle relaxer but I am only going to take a 1/2 of tablet tonight because the pharmacist said it will knock me out taking it 4 times a day as prescribed. If 1/2 is still too much then I just won't take it at all.

I hope everyone has a decent a day and week ahead, hang in there with all that is going on. Hugs!!

Mammy59,

I would like to offer my condolences for the passing of your mother.

It is really terrible that siblings many times be it that they live so far away,
don't want to participate haven't contributed in some way to a loved ones health concerns. We recently had a discussion here regarding people in families, thinking that they can make some bogus claim about their parents, so called inheritance.
We know the score here. As even in my mother's case, who is being taken care of by my sister, and I relieve whenever she calls upon me, or I have volunteered.
Mother also has caregivers throughout the week since my sister has a full-time job. On occassion, my sister has mentioned/implied that she is trying to cut corniers since she is POA, for mom w/regards to mom's care. Mom fortunately is in a good financial position. Now I know that my sister in some way is trying to budget mom's money....but I really feel she wants to do some of this too, in hopes that upon mom passing, there will be some kind of inheritance, especially since she has two daughters. The way I look at this, is that is all fine and dandy, however an inheritance is really something bestowed by a deceased person after they pass. I wouldn't want her cutting corners either...because after all if there is money there for any kind of care for our mother, well she earned this money throughout her life, hence it really should be used first and foremost of all by her for her needs. The rest of us should be secondary in the picture. If there is inheritance, well fine. But no one really can whine for what is really not theirs to begin with at a very fundamental level. It is after all a gift.

I wish you the best, in this next part of life....that from what you have described sounds quite challenging.

May your mother's spirit soar very high!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sorry I repeated myself I see - "Seems we always get a new set of challenges" need more sleep!

welcome pp59 - (((((hugs)))) I am not surprised that you are upset. I don't think you are the cause of the problems - sounds like you are the family scapegoat. This is not an easy position as some of us know. You make sense to me. Detaching from your mil and the problems she creates will help you. Caregiving is a fine balancing act and bringing a puppy into the picture would upset the balance. Can you sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel about it all? Maybe it is time for your mil to be looked after elsewhere.

The holiday drama increases, I got phone calls, and messages yesterday afternoon. Mother went to the airport and tried to buy a ticket to fly to Ontario to go to the nursing home that my father was in many years ago. She didn't have proper ID, nor did she have an address to go to, (nor has she contacted the nursing home to see it there is room for her), so they would not sell her a ticket. Security and the RCMP got involved and they gave her the options to be returned to her ALF, or go to hospital. She refused to go back to her ALF. they fortunately had an RCMP psychologist there who took her to a hospital for a mental health assessment. I called the hospital last night and she was there, waiting to be seen. We are on our way home and not always in cell phone range nor internet contact, and will not get there till tomorrow night. This decision by mother has ramped up everything to a different level of concern. Apparently - according to the RCMP, her ALF will take her back, but she refuses to go. I know she thinks they have a plot to put her in a nursing home. I have not heard from the hospital. My biggest concern is that she will "snow" them into thinking that she is better than she is. She is so well physically for a 101 yr old, and also very bright and manipulative. I gave the hospital some history about her personality disorder and the increasing paranoia. I truly believe that she needs a thorough geriatric/neurological/mental health assessment and hope she will get one now. The RCMP have recommended that I go to a detachment and report this incident so it is on file, and mother would be caught if she tries to leave the province again. I will have to call the hospital again and see what they will tell me. Seems that she just up and left -all her furniture etc. is still at the ALF. I know whatever I do she will be mad -what's new. I have to keep in mind that her safety is the primary thing and how she feels about how/where that is looked after is not primary. I know mother can't stand it when I holiday. I had hoped that my sis would calm her down, but that did not happen - quite the opposite - which is the pattern of a lifetime, and I am expected to look after the mess, after being blamed for it, as I know will come out eventually. Mother's narcissism is acting here to focus a lot of attention on herself, but her judgement is really off this time. Seems we always get a new set of challenges.
Tired today - not a great night's sleep with all this happening. Lots more driving today and tomorrow. Then home to a bunch of difficult voice mails I am sure. Oh well, this too will pass. Seems we always get a new set of challenges.
Love and hugs to all.

Taking care of mother in law. Husband works full time and helps on weekends or some nights. My husband just bought a puppy, I am overloaded! i was just getting it together with a schedule that allowed me time, and then all this happened. mom is mad at me cuz she said I told her I was fed up with taking care of her....I can't believe i said that, but I was pretty hysterical when i found out she had complained to my husband about my not going shopping for her. I ask her every day if there is anything else I can do before i leave, and never did this shopping trip come up. She says now that she can find someone else to take care of her and her dog. Unfortunately, I have scheduled my life with helping her included, and now find I am so hurt by not being forgive. I've apologized over and over and she would not look at me. I'm just stressed and lost it. ONCE in over 5 years. I feel lost and left out of the family now. May just be my own depression, since i suffer from that it is usually what comes up if there is any question about who lost it and why. I'm tired of them seeing me as a messed up woman and the one who is the cause of problems. Don't know if I'm making sense. I am still very upset.

Well, the break lasted a few days. G and I are holidaying and I got an email from my sister yesterday that mother called her (in Scotland) to contact me that she (mother) desperately needs family support because of problems at her ALF. Nothing new there. We are in the Yukon, out of cell phone contact most of the time, and only have intermittent internet. I answered my sister that we were largely out of contact and that she was family and POA backup, so it was her responsibility to give the support when I was not available. I suppose there are a number of voice mail messages from mother on my land line at home. My sister has phone service and internet service so she can do as much as I can when I am home. But she won't. Aaaargh! In any case, I know there is nothing I can do about the ALF problems as most of them are in mother's head. What she wants is attention. I think I better help her get a new computer - easier to deal with 90 emails than 90 phone calls.
juju -looks like you are coping better - great (((((((hugs)))))
Margeaux - when mother makes disparaging remarks about someone, I tend to say something like - "Personally, I don't care about her weight, she is a very nice person". You won't change this neighbour of yours. I don't like to just let the negative comments go by all the time.
sharyn - glad the a/c problem is fixed for now and your sis's antid is working better. I think getting rid of everything at once is better - wish I had. I still have stuff of mother's to sort and get rid of and I will have to do it again when she leaves the place she is in now.
cmag -hope you and yours are good
everyone -hi and take care -
gotta get ready to hit the road again - mornings are a bit rushed when you are only staying over night. The mosquitoes are bad here. We are heading to a hot springs today. Aaaah, should be good. G caught an artic char the other day and we had it for supper. Yum! Back home in a few days.
Remember - look after you! ((((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Hi Margeaux~I hope you are well and had a good 4th of July with your hubby!

In regards to your neighbor/wine drinking friend...My mother grew up in a family that did not believe in dentists except to pull out of bad teeth. When my mom got her first job with insurance, she had her teeth filled, crowned whatever it took. Some had to be pulled and she has partial plates and she is so proud she has most of her natural teeth. You get my drift....my mom puts a lot of attention on peoples teeth and their smiles. She criticizes people who smile with a lot of gum showing. It is so superficial but it is what is important to her. I would just ignore your neighbor, change the subject, or as my daughter says....GRIN and NOD, LOL!!

As far as the PTSD, yes...when mom becomes verbally abusive, my survival mode kicks in and I want to hurt her...that is the truth like I did as a teen. It brings up all those feelings of being inadequate, less than. You know...no matter how disappointed I may get in my children, I do everything I can to let them know how I much I love them, how special they are to me...I would never tell them they are a disappointment.

As far as my sister goes with the A/C, we have axed that idea and for the better. However, when one of the A/C companies came to her house to give an estimate, the man was able to get her A/C to work but could not guarantee how long it would it work and he wouldn't take any money for it.

My sis is taking a different antidepressant...it was knocking her out for several days, she even missed work because of it. She called the dr. and he said he wanted her to continue to take it for 2 weeks because her reactions are not common but he really felt this drug would be good for her. I talked with her on the 4th, and she was very energetic and upbeat... more like my sister. I am hoping this is working for her.

My brother's mil is going down quickly with lung cancer and is on hospice now. How much can he and my sil endure? Mil is living with them now.

We are thinking about having the real estate agent make arrangements for someone to buy all of mom's stuff in a one lot sale instead of having an estate sale. It will save us time, work but we won't have the exposure on the house (to sell it) and won't bring in as much money for mom's accounts. Sis just isn't able to keep up with my speed physically.

I will post again on Tues. after I see the dr. for my right arm...possibly a pinched nerve with tingling, loss of strength, tendonitis, and/or corporal tunnel, Sorry for the long winded post...Hugs!!

I became rather annoyed with my friend/neighbor.
I'd written about her in the past. I was helping her by taking her to some venous procedure appts., about 3 mos. ago, because her daughter (who lives closeby) seems very unconcerned about her own mom.

My neighbor I'm afraid likes to drink to much wine. She makes quite a big deal about drinking wine, but making it sound like it's posh. The trouble is, she doens't understand the meaning of moderation.

So I dropped by this evening just to catch up w/her. She then told me she'd seen
our other neighbor's daughter who just flew in from having been away about two years. She completed military service in a foreign country from which she has origins. This young girl is about 22 yrs. old, and very beautiful and intelligent.

My friend/neighbor the wine drinker's grand daughter's used to hang around with this girl. Wine drinker's grand daughters have recently both graduated from college. They come from parents who have quite a bit of financial stability, so much of their education was paid for by their parents.

On the other hand, the 22 yr. old who just returned from the military service...,
her parents don't have financial stability. This young girl has had to chip in herself with part time jobs, etc. Her parents are divorced, the dad living in the US is where she'll now live for awhile, until she applies to college.

But when my drinker friend was telling me that she'd seen the 22 yr. old, she said how beautiful she was....blah di blah. She complimented this girl saying how grown up she was, and mature, etc. But then she had to go and ruin it by saying, "But she has bad teeth." When my neighbor made this remark, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, I was so mad. Anyway, my neighbor seems to have a habit noticing people's teeth. She's made these kinds of remarks about people we know, and they are less then IMO, kind. So when I heard her say this to me, it brings to mind, that she's very insensitive, and can't keep her opinions to herself.
I'm wondering if any of you know how I should approach this subject, because I know it will come up again and she's at least 18 yrs. older than me. , Anybody, can notice something like this, but to be bringing it up, I think is quite rude.
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I'm so sorry that you experience the PTSD re: your mom and your past history with her. I do know what you mean. Mom, doesn't say anything to trigger things in me, but I do think about what it could have been. Oh well!

How are you doing with regards to your sister? Did she ever get her A/C resolved?

O.K., I hope you are well.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jujubean,

Good to see you posting again.
Our house was not really a combat zone, at least not til later on when mom and dad mistakenly allowed mother's sister to move in with us on several occasions because she was getting verbally abusive with our grandmother, and then grandma kicked her out. I really liked this quality in my granny, she would not tolerate her own daughter's abuse. HAAH!

But with respect to mom, she was a narcissist too! She was of the variety that really imposed her will upon us. She used my sister and myself as her emotional crutches to complain about dad, so much so that I remember disliking this wonderful man. Really he was a good guy, never gave mom any kind of infidelity, nor was he a drinker, only occasional social. He loved his garden and was a hard worker. To listen to our mom though, you'd think she'd married Atila the Hun. Later, in our early adult life, my sister and me figured it out, that mom didn't want we her daughters getting too close to dad, how sick is that? OH, I'm aware that many mothers do this, too.

But anyway, also with ALZ, she's completely changed in terms of personality to this little docile elderly lady. Every now and then the old persona surfaces, w/blunt remarks. She does treat me differently than my sister, who lives w/her.
But my relationship is not what I'd call a super close one to her, because unfortunately her horrible sister who died just over a year ago, was always number one to mother. Mom, IMO, missed the boat. I still love her, just not close.

I do have to admit, sometimes, like just yesterday I became somewhat sad at the thought of how mom influenced me into thinking while growing up that dad was some kind of Ogre, and he was not. He was an enabler in that he never put his foot down w/mother especially with respect to the constant presence of the real Ogre in the family-her sister. I became sad, because some of this influence she of course made me think badly of him, and tainted my relationship with him. She had me so convinced by playing the victim. I guess, I still haven't let go of some of this feeling.
Ay!!!!!!!! It's hard to swallow sometimes, feeling that on account of what one parent, the lies told to you as a kid, then we believing it, well I think you get my drift.

So sometimes as I observe her now, in her condition I do think of that.
Then, I do feel sorry for her, and do love her anyway. Funny how that works!

I'm happy that you have found a sweet person in your mother!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

bookluvr, thanks for your condolences and advice. I am happy to say I was chosen as mom's executor as well and POA while she was alive, as well as her medical POA. Having seen troubled families many times in my experience, I encouraged both Dad and Mom to put things in writing. They saw an elder care attorney back in 2008 and after Dad passed in 2011, I suggested Mom review and update her 'papers' if she needed to. She contacted an attorney and although I was in attendance, I did not say anything other than to mention her decision could cause an issue. The attorney and Mom discussed my statement after I excused myself from the room, and Mom felt her wishes were fulfilled. My siblings chose not to be involved in action or words of anger, and Mom was very coherent and intelligent right up to the minute she passed in my arms. So with God's angels assisting, I will face the family with facts and nothing more! thanks for your caring thoughts.

Hi Mamm59. I'm sooo sorry for the loss of your mother. If you're already experiencing the mean comments and nothing about mother, you definitely will be experiencing worse stuff to come. Know that you did your best for your mom and don't let those siblings' comments make you feel bad or guilty somehow. You did your best and was there for your mother all the way to the end. Just watch your back from all of your siblings. Sometimes greed shows our siblings side of the personality that we never knew of. I hope they don't give you grief about the funeral arrangements or anything like that. Please remember to check who is your mom's executor. We didn't do this when mom passed away in March. Now her medical insurance refuses to pay for any of mom's outstanding medical bills - only her executor WITH the court document showing proof - will they even Entertain looking into her unpaid bills. No one told us this. I had to learn it the hard way. PLEASE feel free to come back here and VENT if your siblings shenanigans and/or BS is pissing you off!! {{HUGS}} to you. My condolences...Book

Hi Rosebud. Welcome to AC! There USED to be on this site, “Locate People in your area” . I never used it but I should have just tested it. I just recently noticed that it is no longer here on AC. If you want it back, maybe you all can send a message to AC admin. Maybe you can ask them to bring it back. And to list only those posters who reveals Publicly on their Wall, their city of where they live. For those who want privacy – they will keep it Private – like in my profile – I have it private. I have no desire for people in my area to know that Bookluvr – live in their area. I live in a very very small place. I Want My Privacy…so I keep it private. But, you all can ask AC to put it back here on the site.

AC does not want people to exchange phone numbers, emails, etc… for our protection and theirs. You can try the route via FaceBook. Our caregiving respite program here meets once a month. They send me emails and one of their emails is encouraging us to come to this site. So who knows how many people in your area actually reads here but don’t comment at all.

Yes. I put my life on hold when I was age 23. I stayed behind to help out father with mom...due to the "honor your father and your mother." That was like 24 years ago. It was just father and I. Then father had a stroke 2 years ago and became bedridden. NO ONE of my 7 siblings nor their grown up children stepped up to help me. I had to ask oldest sis to come BABYSIT (she doesn't do pampers, light housekeeping, no sweeping, no sinks, no toilet - Nothing) both parents.

Mom passed away in March. 3 of my siblings told people that they will give their portion of mom's funeral money from people coming to her funeral. I found out later by asking around, that the bereavement money should have gone to me and my father. Me as their main caregiver and father as her surviving spouse.

They all didn't give a damn that I stayed here, put up with both the physical, verbal and emotional abuses from father. Only my baby brother gave me his portion of the money. Now, mom is dead, and her bills are coming in. Her insurance refuses to pay for it. So now we're stuck with paying for it. Now I'm sooooo glad that we never got hospice service (we tried so hard to get one - but too much red tape.)

gladimhere - oh my siblings KNEW the toll it took on me. I made sure of that. Every punches I got, or blackeye mom got, I told them. I told them 2 years ago that I was searching online for a 100% painless suicide method. I told them a year ago that I finally found it. I told them of my black outs, tilting, slamming into walls. I told them that my therapist said that I'm too exhausted. That I need help. That if I continue, I will die from exhaustion or end up in the hospital. I told them how much the pampers, wipes, mom/dad's medical costs, etc....They always did nothing. They were too broke (yet they can go on several out of the state vacations.) Sigh....Ohhhh...my siblings knew. They Didn't Care. As long as it's not them, they're fine. Mom's passing away showed me their true personality.

Yep, you're right. The siblings would be angry if they were not included or even given less or nothing.

Most siblings would be disappointed and even angry when an inheritance is not split evenly. But what they do not understand is the toll this takes on the caregiver emotionally and financially. They don't want to pay you for the care you have provided your mother because of the impact on what remains at death. Unfortunately, it happens way too often.

I so appreciate and can relate you all of you here! A couple of my siblings have stayed far and wide from the situation my dear Mom found her last years to be. She passed away this past Sunday, and had been fighting the after effects of radiation for colon cancer. She had chronic kidney disease, an inoperable colon tumor (has colostomy) and was incontinent along with heart issues from prior heart surgery . For the past 9 months, I have been with her daily, trying to keep her hope and spirits up. We saw some improvement, then she'd slide downhill again. My only sister lives 800 miles away and was unable and unwilling to even come to visit. At this point, she is not coming to the graveside service because she is on her yearly camping trip.
My oldest sibling had not visited or spoke to Mom since January at which time he informed her she was wasting his inheritance, spending for the 24/7 nursing care she required. This was done in the presence of her physical therapist that day! My two other siblings have attempted to visit and help me with her care, along with my daughter, but Mom wanted no one but me beside her. They at least came to visit once a week! I wouldn't have asked them to do the hands on personal care, nor did I attempt to call and keep them all informed. I was busy with Mom, and staying 2 steps ahead with patient advocating and care was exhausting as you all know.
Now Mom has passed and it's been one mean comment after another No one gives a crap that Mom is gone, they care that she didn't leave things fairly between the 5 of us. I'm worried that my nightmare is beginning all over again and I do not even know where to begin.

I am grateful to have found this sight and know that I have included each and every one of you in my prayers. I understand what you are going through.

Ya It was a combat zone at our house too, mainly my oldest bro vs dad n us, mom n dad, then mom n I - just like oil n vinegar, I left out on my own asap! I am grateful beyond words and thoughts to have this time to know the real mom under it all. She is the sweetest loving soul now, everyone loves her to pieces!! So maybe that is the way it is supposed to be...to make me the tuff girl I am today! and to appreciate life in this way! We have little to none in drama and letting go of the past has been the wonderful! Except for these healthcare issues/systems/boobs n their opinions, things couldn't get any better! Well a big bag of cash wouldn't hurt either, maybe I SHOULD start buying lotto tix, hehehe

Juju~My childhood was a combat zone. Mom has what I say is an undiagnosed paranoid personality disorder ( I believe 2 of her brothers had it too). You never could reason with her, she is always right, always a victim, distrustful, suspicious, has to be the center of attention, couldn't form bonds with family members, and has to have all the power and control. Dad was an alcoholic...there were secrets, lies, abuse, deception and betrayal. Gee, it sounds like a darn soap opera, LOL!! I have had counseling that helped me get over the anger, but when mom gets like she is right (and has been for 3 weeks), it brings back the feelings of childhood...I guess that is PTSD. I have to limit my time with her which makes me angry, but I don't want to be around her when she yells and screams what a disappointment I am. I hope in time, things will settle down so we can go back to how it was 3 weeks ago...our time together was so special and enjoyable. "Like sand through an hourglass, so is our life.", LOL!!! I have to find the humor or I would go nuts!!