The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

No Joan, is not funny while it is happening. I can only laugh now as the years have gone by. My mother's PD is not as severe as your mother's PD. There are not clear cut definitions to describe a person with a PD. I think the overall theme though is...their need to be the center of attention and they are always right. I know people who have to be right, think their way is the only way to do things right but they are not narcissistic. They just want their legacy passed on to future generations within their family circle...maybe narcissistic...IDK???

Book if you knew the worst of what she has said and how she explained, your jaw would hit the floor and stay there. I find it almost funny now that she could explain away the emotional abuse so easily. It was not funny at the time.

Emjo, I laughed out loud when i read you wrote the letter and sent it. Then the next chapter said not to send it. Amazing how some people can continue to Refuse to see that they are responsible for hurting others. How your mother was able to turn the table and say how it was to help you.

Sorry, can't stay long. Running late for work.

Thanks ABB - I am very tired right now. Didn't sleep well and all the stuff going on. I hate waiting for phone calls. Let's get on with it! No nervous Nelly here ;). If your mother is impulsive you may want to check out personality disorders. My mother's primary diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. but she is also very narcissistic and now very paranoid. I know a few who have no idea how their actions affect other people, like my first husband. After some testing, a counsellor told me there was a "void" in his personality in that area and he doubted that he would ever be any different. His dad was like that too, One has to learn how to protect oneself. I don't think they can change - the leopard does not change its spots, so you are the one who has to change to improve your life. I don't know if my mother knows how she affects people, but most of the time she doesn't care because her agenda is more important to her than who anyone else feels.
Tonight I will have supper with a friend of 45+ years. She lost her oldest son, I lost my youngest. We have been through a lot together. Both her parents are gone now and her knowledge of caring for seniors is very helpful to me. God bless us in the midst of the trials. Keep on keeping on! (((((hugs)))))

Interesting. I looked at the DONM website, read a little, and decided my mother is definitely not narcissistic. And I never really thought she was. My mother tends to just make rash, crazy, impulsive, hurtful decisions without seeming to think of how it affects others (me). And once she has an idea in her head, she is off and running with it... its difficult to turn her aside. So she's dangerous to me when I'm vulnerable because I truly just don't know what she might do next. There's a lot of behavior/actions that are part of her personal repertoire that just defy common sense... hard to put it into words other than to say that. I'm going to keep thinking this over and try to gain some definition to what it is my mother is doing that I find so offensive and hurtful. When I wrote her the letter, I basically chalked it up to her lack of common sense and lack of ability to accomplish something without causing great emotional harm to me. ...I'll keep mulling this one over... it may be helpful if I can come up with an "-ism" that largely represents my mother's behavior.

Emjo, good luck today as you continue in Edmonton to sort out mother.

Thank you both so much! I have already checked out the website - and out of the 9 (you only need 5) statements do describe a narcissistic personality - my mom has all 9! Yikes - I am surprised I can function at all! LOL. sharynmarie - I am sorry about your dad...at least I had a great dad - a bit whipped - and distant - but he never disciplined me - my brother yes...but that is a whole other subject. We had a special father daughter bond that my mother was always jealous of. He had always called me KarKar - and she said a few years before he passed "has he always called you that - or is it just now annoying". She was always so wrapped up in her own world...Funny - I have said that she was a bit narcissistic before - but never really looked it up as how to deal with it- I can see where it is going to be very helpful! I just told my husband no wonder I get so annoyed with him when he points out what I didn't do....I have heard that my whole life. Thank you, thank you, thank you and hugs back!

sad~Oh, I understand about the email now. emjo has given you very good info. It is very emotionally stressful to deal with a narcissistic parent. We try to be good daughters, see to their needs, spend time with them but it is hurtful when they degrade you. My mom always knew that something was different about herself which is part of the reason she is so sweet to people outside the family. Somehow she managed to foster friendships, usually with other women who had abusive husbands. She sees herself a victim but she is actually an instigator of the abuse within the family unit. She can't carry out discipline herself...so she put it on my father to discipline us kids. My dad was an alcoholic, but his discipline was fair. Not acceptable to my mother...she, being a perfectionist, couldn't handle the things that normal children do in order to learn boundaries and grow. She wanted severe punishment inflicted on us by my father...not herself.I know my mother is not comfortable in her own skin that is why she is so sweet to people outside the family. My mother picks out words and phrases too to suit her needs. Yes, check out the website emjo suggested, read about boundaries, detaching with love. Hugs to you!!

Oh, pleasing her! Yeah! Something else we were taught as children. Our needs were of no concern to anyone - the emotional ones anyway, and the narcissistic parents needs and wants dominated everyone's life. Mother can be charming too, for a while, to try to get what she wants. Eventually it breaks down. A couple of the nurses have told me how sweet she is. LOL. I could tell them a few stories! I agree is must be awful being in their skin. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I think the her getting the email was a blessing in disguise. The name mad1 sounds good to me. We take so much for so long! Take care

Thanks Joan - I will work on it - I thought I was doing pretty good - but really have been just trying to please her - as always - and for a while she was nice - but I am thinking now on it that it was a show - she wants to go home - and she knows she needs to be nice to people - but she can only do it for a short time....Honestly - it must be sad being in her skin...I don't ever remember her happy. and sharynmarie - the caregiver gave her the email as she doesn't speak very good English - and my mom doesn't really like her - the email wasn't really that bad - and mom misreads things - just picks out phrases but doesn't really get the gest of the tone of the note or letter. I don't blame her - she puts up with a lot from my mother....I will just be more careful. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise! Karen (sad1) which should be changed to mad1! LOL!

I know, sad1. Good for you for holding your ground. Part of this is that we have to grow in skills and confidence. Funny - often we are expected to be grown ups when children, and then treated like children when we are grown up. The more you can pull your "adult" out in response to her "child" or her "parent", the better. And the more you can detach, the better. I have posted some stuff on detachment and it may be time to do it again. I need to look at it more than once.

Thank you Joan! I will look up that website...funny - at 57 she can reduce me to being 12 with her evil look....which actually - I held her piercing stare yesterday - it was pretty intense.

Hi sad1 - Your story sounds so familiar. Let the guilt go and set up boundaries. Guilt seems to be part of the caregiving role and also was instilled in you at a young age by your mother. it is a button she pushes to manipulate you. They use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to control people. I am have found that walking on eggshells is a bad thing, and that being, as diplomatically as possible and sometimes that is not possible, honest, straightforward, direct is the kindest and most loving thing to do for all concerned. Mother complains endlessly too and wants an audience. I have laid boundaries. For example when she complained and complained about an ex caregiver I told her firmly that I had heard it many, many times and that continuing to hear it was not good for our relationship and I did not want to hear to again. In some ways narcissists seem like children and need you to be firm. Have you looked at the website "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" ? If you google that phrase you will find it and much good info. Eventually you will get rid of the guilt, fear and obligation. It takes a while of sticking up for yourself but it does go. You have my sympathies. Come back and vent some more ((((((((((Hugs)))))))) Joan

sad~There have been times I have lost it with my mother too. It would not have made any difference in the outcome whether she had dementia or not because mom's reasoning is not normal either way. I would feel guilty only because she has Alz...but...lets face it, we lose our patients even with small children. You are only human, can only deal with so much before you reach a breaking point. I am not sure why the caregiver would give your mom the email but now you know not to email info like that again. When my mom becomes combative with me, I leave...right then and there because I know nothing I say will change her thoughts. I just calmly say, "I will come back when you are feeling better." Don't feel guilt for setting boundaries with her. Narcissistic people believe they are entitled to treat you badly so it is your responsibility to set limits and boundaries. Maybe next time you visit, you could buy all the junk food and goodies she likes before you visit. Then you can use that time for other things. You don't have to give into her whims of spending so much time seeing to what she wants instead of seeing to her needs. Come back and vent some more, it really does help!!

So - this is a perfect thread - and hoping I can vent here - I have a very narcissistic mother who had a frontal lobe stroke and is aphasic - she is in an assisted living home - that is pretty good as far as they go. My brother is completely AOL - which is fine - at least he isn't second guessing my decisions. However - the burden is on my newly retired husband and I. We live 3 hours away from her - and stay at her house when we are here. Sunday our oldest son came and worked on the house and went to visit her - she spent the entire time looking at me and demanded all of her usual loop of demands - and complains - that are many. I had emailed the caregiver which stated she just likes to complain - which is a truth - and she gave it to my mom - as it also had dental information about it. So - needless to say my mother was livid. I walked out so she would visit with our son - that lasted about 10 minutes. Then next day went back after shopping for all of her "things" she wanted - junk food mostly - and this is something that I do every time I am here. I was still mad from the day before. She started in on me again - and I just lost it - told her I was tired of her complaining - I didn't give her a stroke - put my life on hold for 10 months and am not having a good time either - and I can't get her out of there. She fires everyone - so she can't have in home care. Then I walked out. I really actually felt pretty good about it - a relief. But now there are some pangs of guilt....ugh. Anyone else have this?

Wow! Got a call from one of the team looking after mother. They will have a team meeting and then she will call me back with a time for our meeting. I asked if mother would be present and she said of course, but maybe it would be wise to meet with me alone first. I think so! The team will consider this. I honestly don't know why this takes so many man hours. To me it is very simple. She can't go back to her ALF. She is very paranoid, a run away risk, and not being responsible with her money, so she needs medication, to go into a closed unit and have someone manage her money etc. Like what else???? Oh well, they get paid for this and I don't. Suppose that makes a difference. Time for breakfast!

Day 2 - I did some research and apparently the family meeting could include mother. Oh my! It is "wait and see" time for me! My cousin's son who lives here visited mother and has been supportive of my actions. I asked him if he wanted to be included in the family meeting, if that were possible. Got a supper date set up with a friend for tonight and may with another friend for tomorrow. One step at a time. Will try to see mother's financial advisor today - he is very flexible - and also drop in at her ALF. Some one asked me why I didn't stay there as she has an extra bedroom. Too many triggers. I would find it very stressful. - this week is stressful enough. The hotel I am in has a pool and a hot tub and there is a day spa here as well. I should use it! Maybe once I know she isn't going back there I can. I guess she will need some of the furniture, but a lot could go to my son. Yesterday I got the documents from the lawyer, and got the POA process started at mother's bank. It will take about a week, and unfortunately they do not permit POA to have online access, but I can use any branch. A bit of a nuisance, but there you are. Mail from them will be directed to me now. Then I walked 20 blocks back to the hotel, acquiring a blister along the way, but it was worth it. I wasn't moving too quickly the last few blocks. lol.

Thanks for the hugs, sharyn. Mother will likely need some of the furniture, but there is much that my son could have, and it is a very good place for it. I may have a few pieces of hers - or even my own - that they can have too. Too funny about your parents locking one another out - but not at the time, I am sure

abb - awesome I will pass along any tips you can give me re bed bug extermination. I am like you - critters will NOT get the best of me. I pull out any obsessive traits I have and give them full reign. I once had flour beetles in a cupboard and someone said I would never get rid of them. That is a war cry for me - never say never lol. I got them out. Bleach, Raid, hot water, steam, anything I could lay my hands on. And many years later, they have not come back. I like your comment about your parents being aliens to you. I have felt that about my mother and my sister. My father, though alcoholic, was a nurturing parent. I have had to grieve the loss of my childhood, and the many "insults" of various kinds that came my way. I have grieved the lack of a female parent that came anywhere near meeting my needs. Every child needs a healthy mother and father. Not every child gets one, but It is a basic need. I absolutely agree that you can't keep allowing your family to push your buttons as they have been. You certainly don't need your mum's "help". Oh my, I can relate to that and the letter. I have shared this before, but will again with you. Once reading a self help book about toxic relationships, I came upon a chapter which suggested writing a letter. So without further ado, I did write to mother about a lot of past stuff and how it affected me and sent it to her. Then I read the next chapter in the book which started "But don't send the letter". Oooops! LOL Too late. Her reaction was interesting. It made no difference between us. She simply explained how each dysfunctional interaction and action was done to help me. I laugh about it now. Yes, you have enough on your hands with your father and making your plan. I think you did the right thing. We are behind you! You are standing up for yourself and that is good. it gets more comfortable with time and practice. How she reacts to it is her problem, not yours. vent and dump away - it is how we survive! Big ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

book, I have every intention of going with the doc unless they want to release her back to her ALF, which I think unlikely. I would not allow her into my house. Think that is not going to happen now as long as she doesn't escape the hospital. In any case I think she is mad at me which may be a good thing. ;)

Time to get moving and get a few more thing done. Have a great day everyone!!! Love and hugs and prayers Joan

Book~LOL....Yes I did...if they wanted to fight and beat each other up, let them do it on their time. I am so glad those days are behind me and I can laugh about it now!!

Hi College! I wonder if all parents when they get old becomes so bossy. Father tries his best to tell me what to do – in everything – even what to eat, when to sleep, etc…Thanks for your blessing.

Emjo – just go with the flow with doctor. Whatever happens, be firm about not letting her put a foot into your home. You might have problem pushing her back out. You’ve experienced this before and you’ve read

Scmoon – I like your comments. It actually “clicks” with me. I think I’m a people pleaser. I will need to learn to remove the guilt when it comes to caregiving and setting boundaries. Problem is I have a very over-active conscience. FYI, not everyone loves their parents.

ABB – I give you kudos on setting boundaries with the family, especially your mother. I like that you wrote to her. I still don’t see why she visits and keeps butting in. And it’s not really innocent reasoning – her going to the police. Watch your back, Alison.

Sharyn, I laughed. I can just see them fighting, and then calling you to open the front door! I would have given back their key, too.

Alison~Setting boundaries and limits around your life is very healthy, even if you have to set those boundaries around parents. It's not an easy step to take but you are moving in a positive direction to protect your health and well being. I started setting boundaries around my marriage and children very early. At one point in time I even gave my parents my copy of they key to their house because I got fed up with being called to come over there to unlock the front door because one parent would lock the other one out of the house during a fight. Keep coming back, vent and dump...you go girl!!

Bedbugs. Oh boy. GM got bedbugs in her room a year ago last Oct... I say "her room" because strangely enough, they hadn't yet spread to other parts of her small house. They likely came in from outside (literally outside her room, from the grass, then in through foundation cracks... this is the only explanation I could come up with why they were in her room and no one else's), found an easy target in my poor, elderly GM, and luckily I noticed them within, I'm guessing, a few weeks of them infesting her upholstered headboard and bed. There are ways to contain and combat, but yeah, by and large, its so difficult to truly be rid of them once they are "in." Joan, if you feel your son could use more input about how to contain them and rid himself of bedbugs, let me know, I'll run over everything that worked for me in my situation. I am currently still living in same house, and I am positive that I no longer have bedbugs. But it took a few days of bleaching everything down and patching cracks where they can hide/survive, and then a few months of diligent deterrence to get rid of them. But I did it, and even the exterminators seemed impressed, lol!

I have had a head full of thoughts about crazy family the past few days... I know it was my mom's visit to local police, with her unfounded suspicion about financial abuse, that is triggering this. Certainly before that happened I would have acknowledged that my family is... how do I choose to put it... "unique." My parents are like "aliens" to me.

But now... now I just feel resolved. Not even sad, mad, frustrated, betrayed... Because truly I can't grieve loving relationships I never had. WANTING those loving relationships is an emotion I think we all go through and get over at some point in our adult lives... I DID do that... I DID get over, in absentia, wanting my parents to be different people than they are.

But I can't KEEP allowing my family to push my buttons in such a destructive hurtful way... I got a little mini-bout of depression last week after mom's antics. I'm mostly over it, but it just made it so clear what she's capable of doing to me. I wrote my mom a three page letter where I tried to explain why her actions are inexcusable and asked her to "stay away" for the time being. She has no real reason to come for visits to the city I live in (about 2 1/2 hours drive from her city of residence), other than as she says "to visit and to help"... but as much as I could use some help, I just don't need her kind of help. And this is just the latest in a lifetime of such actions... I don't hate her, I'm not angry... I just don't need the additional chaos. I have enough on my hands with trying to caregive to my father.

I don't know how she will react to the letter. I'm a little fearful of her reaction, no matter what it is. But I did do what I thought was "the right thing" given the circumstances.

So... we'll see.

At the moment I just have a lot of gratitude for this "new to me" thread where I can share this stuff. I have a lot to vent and dump, so I need more than one vent thread, lol!

Joan~Happy to hear you are breathing a little easier. The whole situation is scary and stressful. The family meeting will most likely provide a care plan, as you know, and more info on what is actually going on. BEDBUGS!!! Yes, they can wash their clothes in hot water but as you said, the furniture??? If they have pets, the bed bugs feed on them too. It is great you have the furniture available to help him and sign. other to get started again...A blessing for them!! Hugs to you as you walk through this labyrinth.

Arrived in Edmonton and finally, after several days of trying, got a hold of someone in mother's hospital wing who knew something and who told me that the doctor wants to set up a family meeting with me regarding mothers care.. She was surprised when I said I was here and available almost any time, including evenings, except for the appointment I have booked today. She took my cell number and said I would hear from him. I will contact other people for meetings with the caveat that the hospital meeting takes precedence, as I won't know how to handle some things without knowing what the care plan is.
Talked with oldest son at length last night. They are planning on buying a condo quickly for 2 reasons - due to the flood he thinks the prices will go up. and horrors of horrors his whole building has bed bugs. They have had the exterminators in several times and thought they were free this last time, but, alas not. I suggested he toss all his stuff out to be sure he doesn't bring them into his new place. He said most of their clothing is bagged now and washing it in hot water will take care of the bugs. Then he said it would be quite expensive setting up again from scratch. I told him to not take a chance of taking the bugs with him. And, that likely very soon there will be an apartment full of furniture, bedding. kitchen ware etc. from mother that he could have. The only thing she doesn't have is a dining set. I don't think the others want or need any of it. God works in mysterious ways. Gary would probably hose out a horse trailer and take it all down there. So things are starting to work out already. Maybe son and /or his sig other could come up and help me pack it up.
I am thinking, because of the family meeting, that they are taking mother's condition seriously, so starting to breath easier.

I arrived before noon, but they gave me my room anyway. What a blessing!!! and the rain has stopped

sjharyn -glad you are having some time off -I know you need it.

Better call a cab and head off to the lawyers office. ((((((((hugs)))))))

Welcome to College and Sunny! Please come back and share some more.

Joan~I hope you get things taken care of in Edmonton. Yes, I would have to be destitute or more to accept my mother's money for support. I have spent quite a bit of my own money out of pocket for groceries, repair work on mom's personal belongings...I don't even know what it has added up to because it has not caused me a hardship and I really have no concerns.

I will make this short...(an understatement for me, LOL!!) I am off on tues./wed. and the time will be spent here at home as I need desperately to get many things organized again after all the time I spent going through mom's belongings. I know she is being well taken care of so I will visit during the next weekend. Hang in there everyone, Hugs to all!!

Joan, thanks again for your wisdom and so precise stance of how many of us feel.
We never had a childhood and were the responsible one from small children. I have two younger brothers (8 & 9) yrs and was a terrible 2nd mother and sadly they have not turned out well. They both had it worse than me since I got out young too. I was not a good marriage but beat being at home. After high school I left and never looked back but still Mother has always depeneded on me and makes excuses for the boys and I cannot do eough or good enough and I stopped trying. I am like you I am doing the best I can while protecting the progress I am finally making and refuse to upset my life like it was most of the time. I lived such a roller coaster ride, it was hard for me to accept when something was going smooth since I knew it would not last long. But, now that I can accept Mother as she is and back off when she starts manipulating and blaming, I can take it. But never in my home.

We all love our parents and want to help them and the ideal situation is to be their with them but as the life span is getting much longer, they should be in a place with nursing and professional care. Most of us are not trained to deal with all the issues. And don't know when to run them to the doctor or what to do with the toxic personality, when they are no longer responsible. But, we are human and can only take so much abuse and most of us have reached the breaking point trying to change and help our loved ones. Alcoholism was a major problem in our home and as I child of 13, I called the police on my father for getting rough with my mother but I saw her push him to the limited and cause much of it. But, we as children had to be the adults and responsible ones. Of course we were the "pefect child," we had no choice but Mother still pulls my strings, I am just learning to walk away and let her get over it. She needs me now and is not as bad but I have to keep a safe distance and I have to be careful that she will not manipute me with her Dementia and forgetfulness. The last two weeks she says she is not eating and getting Diarrhea. I think the move shook he up a bit and it may be her nerves but if she does not do better, I will take her to the doctor. I do know this move has been hard for her but it is so helpful for me to have her close enough to help. But, I don't want to be an enabler and it will be difficult to tell what mode she is in now with her Dementia. Some days she is beginning to act like a child and she will be a Myrta for attention so it difficult to know what is real with her. I will just do like you said and let go and let God lead me to help the best I can without it ruining my life. So, far she can pretty much take care of herself financially and I don't mind helping when I can. But, I believe she needs to be in the Assisted Living rather than her apartment but she will not consider it.

Her apartments are adjacent to the Assisted Living and there will be no problem getting her in unless she fights us but her physician is mine and he is good and will have her committed there when it is time if she refuses to go, and he will put her in a nursing home, which she would not like. He is a wonder geriatric doctor and you cannot fool him. He has her telling him everything and he will know when it is not true. He has given her something to calm her nerves but she will not take it like she should. I am going to let him know and deal with that. I have preached and begged enough. I will let him be the bad guy and she will probably quit him. She just started taking any medicine this year at 91 and she wants to be noble and let everyone know she does not take anything other than her Tylenol PM. lol

My warm wishes to all of you. I truly can feel all the pain, frustration and hurt for each one with such difficult situations. My love and prayers are with each of you and I know we can help each other. I am sincerely thankful for each of you. Your understanding has meant so much. I truly am proud of and love each you, my new family. Each of you are so special and my heart is with you and your suffering. Just hand in and don't expect more than you can give. Your own health and welfare is so important to yourself and others.

Warm wishes and God Bless,

Sunny:)

Sunny:)

Hi all -a "drive by" as I am getting ready to fly to mother's city tomorrow early
sharyn , I guess we see it the same - their money is for caring for them. If I was destitute and she needed me -maybe, but not otherwise. Thanks for filling us in about the service. sil getting the ashes must have been very emotional.
book your family is not unique - lots of dysfunction around
kd - not sure what you are referring to - but welcome
ABB -glad if any of my experience is helpful. I have learned the hard way, as we tend to do. Keep dumping! How to be yourself in the midst of it all in not easy. Not good to lose yourself. A finite time line sounds like a plan to me. There are alternatives for your dad and you need some peace in your life, I think making a plan is a great choice! Keep us updated!
College - welcome - a bossy mum can be hard to take at times, especially when she did not do much when you were young. Lots of us did not really have a childhood.
Sunny - narcissism and control are hard to deal with. Congrats that you are out of the people pleasing and the guilt. We can't "fix" anyone. I wish I had learned some things sooner, but have to be thankful for what I have learned. Sometimes we have to let go and let God with others. We were brought up to be hyper responsible and have to unlearn that. Yes, we need one another. This site and the people on it have been a big blessing to me.

I realised in the past few days that I cannot help mother any more other than dealing with her finances and physical things, and overseeing that the professionals are doing their jobs. She is unmanageable by any normal means and needs ongoing professional care I will tell the hospital that this has gone too far and I will not deal with her self created crises any more. I have done it all my life - literally from a very young age - my father drank, my sister hid in the shadows, I broke up fights between them when I was still in grade school, when I was 13, I once told her to go to her room when she was having a tantrum and she went. I have been the scape goat the whipping boy, the servant. No more!Whatever decisions they make about her affect me and my life deeply and I am going to let them know that I am DONE with the abuse, anger and manipulation. I do love my mother and want the best for her, but have to deal with that at a distance. I know the BPD and narcissism is the major problem, and I would not wish it on anyone, but you don't stick your hand out to a biting dog for him to do it again. I look forward to seeing her in heaven, as she was designed to be. Have a great week everyone. I always bring my computer so I will be in touch. Do something good for you! I got my nails done yesterday -a nice sparkly orange/coral - goes with some sandals I have! Love and blessings - Joan

Doing the best I can do, and recognizing my own limitations... accepting my inability to "fix" my dad or his situation... being and remaining very flexible and not having too many expectations from him whatsoever...

Its difficult. I've been an exacting, demanding person on myself and my life. And now I'm grouped in with a crazy person (father), in his home, and I have to find the balance of how to still be me, and find simple happiness in each day, and deal one-on-one with craziness and anger each day as well.

Every day lately I'm thinking more and more about a finite timeline where I do as much as I can to benefit my dad's situation but make plans to extract myself from this situation... I'm hoping I can be out of my dad's house, and have his care/plans figured out, by the end of 2013.

I guess I'm just so aware now that I never truly have a moment's peace in my current situation. Could I make it work living here? Certainly. But I don't think that's a good choice for my happiness long term.

What can I say but I enjoyed and could relate to all the profound and true comments. I am glad I stumbled on this thread but when I see "dysfunctional" I must read about it. My mother is a 91 Narcissistic and still wants control. But, through counseling, I have learned to remove the guilt of our family secretes and admit and understand where much of my "stinking thinking" came from. It made me try to be a people pleaser at any cost to be liked. But, I was not happy. And it has been the understanding of what we have all been through to break this habit and those of us willing to share, are the reason society is learning there were not many good functional families. They are problems in the best. But, through our experiences and sharing with one another, it has helped me to remove the "guilt" and live my life the best I can without blame and understand that my parents did the best they could under the circumstances from their own dysfunctional families

This has allowed me to remove the guilt and anger. There will always be scars and personality traits, I cannot change but I do like the new me who wants to help my mother but not at the risk of making my own family and health worse. I know I have to be happy within and I am proud of the progress I am making. It is just so sad, it took me most of my life to understand the real problem was never about me.

Please keep this wonderful new thread going. It is right in line with the caregivers since we all suffer from "too much "responsibility" for everyone. And not only my family but dear friends come to me as if I can solve their problems. But, I listen and try to give less advice and just show the love and compassion I have in my heart for others. But, no longer do I feel "responsible" to make them happy. I want to be a good friend, but I have to keep my head above water and cannot allows those who have used me to continue. I will love them all but with my own health issues and disabilities, I have learned to take care of myself without the guilt.

God Bless you CMag for your insight to start this new thread. It is so nice to see my new friends here from How Are You Doing Caregivers thread with all the wisdom they have shared. They will be an asset to you here and I hope you find the comfort you are looking for. We do need each other.

Warm wishes,

Sunny:)

Bless your hearts! My Momma is a spoiled brat. I was an only child and raised myself mostly. Momma ran all over the neighborhood talking and visiting everday. Thank GOD I had my Grandmother close. Momma never learned to cook or drive. Didn't clean the house very well. She never worked. I started doing all of that very early. I married young to get away from it. My Daddy was awesome but died at 65 and Momma was 58. She came to live with us and helped us raise our three daughters and two grandchildren. We love her very much, I just get hurt by her bossy ways sometimes. I am not a bossy person but I can handle this. I've worked since I was 16 and became very strong, a survivor. I think she appreciates me but she is just bossy. It could be a lot worse. I count my blessings and pray a lot. I pray for all of you also. GOD will work it out!

Hello Dysfunctional Caregivers! Yes, I know its not actually you (us) thats dysfunctional (or at least claiming it) but I like the moniker! ;D

Learning to laugh at myself, and really take the time to lighten up, is one of the greatest gifts I've received recently since caregiving onset a few years ago. I get way too serious about all of the craziness and then I have to BACK UP and realize... there is just NO WAY the Benevolent Universe intended for ME to RULE over my father (my charge). So then, everything I do is just my opinion and what I think is right, given the situation.

If I start from this place... of opinion... and trying to do what is right... given my limited human knowledge...

Then I do better as caregiver, and as a (happy) person, than I do if I believe its ABSOLUTE FACT that father absolutely needs this, or father absolutely needs that.

This is just the philosophy/opinion on my mind at the moment, nothing more.

I appreciate this new safe place to dump my deepest thoughts, thank you!

Ok, onwards and upwards my fellow caregivers!

And emjo, "caregiving at arm's length" makes all the sense in the World to me right now. I'm definitely "living and learning."

Book~Thank you for clarifying that!!