The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I wish I had someone to for help, here where I am these two, especially my father are frightening me. I don't know many people here where I live. Most of the people I called friends were not really friends, just people who used me, or just casual friends through work or something. I need to go out, and my father is here, I know he is up to something, and I have two cats that he RESENTS, I need to get a handle on this PRICK. He is looking at me like he wants to kill me. I have done nothing to this man EVER he has done wrong, behaved badly, is just I frickin terror. Damn...

One other comment, Plop Plop, Fizz, Fizz, on what a relief it is. lol

Sunny:)

My comments are to all people who lived a dysfunctional life. Life is so tough. It seems many of us from the Dysfunctional Families have spent our entire life, including childhood, fighting for what is right and feeling responsible for everyone else's welfare and no time for our own. Most of us seem to be the one the entire family depends on, even as children, and we have learned to try and make things good and happy for everyone else at our own expense of failing to care for ourselves.

I know many of you feel like I do. It is like being on a big roller coaster ride but with more downs than ups and you can be sure if you are feeling good and enjoying a few days, the shit will hit the fan. Never is there a really peaceful moment or time to enjoy our lives. We have allowed ourselves to feel guilty for all the problems and mistakes of our loved ones and think it is up to us to "fix" them. And no matter what we do, it is never enough. I could never be good enough for my mother and I have given up trying.

I am doing the best I can but refuse to be manipulated any more than necessary. When Mother gets too difficult and blaming, I back off for a few days and give her time to see who will help her when I am not around. It is finally dawning on her how much she needs me but I am so pleased that I learned not to allow her and our toxic relationship to ruin me by taking her in my home. If I did that, I would be in the psycho ward and I refuse to allow or take any more abuse from my family. I will try my best to help but Not at the Expense of my own health and welfare and folks, I am not feeling guilty. This has taken way to many years for me to understand and learn to take care of myself and I am now happy within. I feel I have been set free since I have been able to overcome the guilt and shame caused by our family. I will be there for my Mother and my family but not at the cost of my own health and the great lessons I have learned through years of trying to change things. I know I had the 'Stinking Thinking" attitude for far too many years. But, I have made great progress and could not go back to the way I once was. I know I must take care of myself or I could not survive another day at living. So, I hope this will help any of you who are still feeling responsible for everyone else but yourself. We cannot get rid of our own dysfunctional thinking until we see just how much abuse when have endured and how we put our own life and feelings on the back burner for everyone else.

If you think this sounds selfish, then I would think you have not really lived with the real dysfunctions and I do not feel the least selfish. I feel I have overcome a battle that lasted most of my life and I refuse to go back to being a Myrta. I have and I intend on getting the most out of my life I can before it I am another day older. I deserve peace, love and joy and it is up to me to reach out and take it and not be under the manipulations of those who have made me feel I am responsible for their happiness or their problems. I love my family but regret it took me so long to learn how to be responsible enough to stop neglecting myself and trying to "make others happy." I can only give them my unconditional love and support but not allow them to ruin my life or pull me down any longer. I have to make sure I am taking care of myself before I am any good at being a caregiver to everyone else. This has been a wonderful revolution and learning process, as well as, liberating for me and I am happy with who I am within. I hope to continue to grow and understand all I can about the dysfunctions of others but not be dragged into or down by them.

If this helps just one person to see how destructive our behavior has been in our own personal lives and kept us on the roller coaster ride blindfolded, I will be thankful. And am truly thankful I have been able to turn my stinking thinking around to the truth of how I was simply an enabler and not helping anyone.

Thanks for allowing me to vent and tell a bit of what I see as a great success in my personal life and I pray each of you will dig deep within to find the truth and learn to love yourself first and care for your own wellbeing. We may have had a difficult life but we can all overcome being a victim to seeing our victory.

My love and Best wishes and you strive to survive and do what is best for your own life.

Sunny:)

Allison, hi thanks for the post to my wall. I found this thread, you and I have VERY similar issues with our mom's, Mom is a compliment to mine, I call her hag from H-ll!, she butts in the already dangerous situation I am in living here with my father. After last weekend's drama, my having police over reporting my fathers attempts to assault, store unsafe explosives, brandishing his gun and acting inappropriate with me. And, after a neighbor or someone reported my fathers abuse to his employer and his gun was taken from him. I delivered my mothers laundry on that Sunday, we talked for awhile, she was there, she was real, she was supportive. Then on Wednesday this week she calls my psycho father, tells him to tell me she is very ill, and DO NOT VISIT, My father is sick, he gave it to her? I didn't.
She then proceeeded to hang up on me every time I called her to ask if she needed help? or what was wrong I couldn't get a word in edge wise. She kept this horrible tone, and said I said I was sick, and it is my fault she is sick. She then said she was calling the police to say I was harassing her. I called them for her told them what she was doing and said I was in no way harassing her, she called me I was returning the call, she was completely hostile, when previously kind and caring the previous sunday.
She has done this before, but I have never been in this situation with my father before. So Gawd DARN it! What the heck!
This hurts, even more it is reafirming the life long manipulation, abuse, horror that is my life with the two of them. They hate each other, me but when they need something, she plays the game.
I am home now and I had to speak to my father he looks like Lucifer, gives me these horrible stares, one line answer, he failed to correct a ticket on my car that is in his name, I got pulled over and now have a $1800+ fine and hold on my license. His response I AINT GIVIN YOU 1800 bucks, and I have never been in that situation. Put his headphones on and finished his cheap ass martini, what a PRICK! he is working on something with the landlord here, he is probably asking him to lie to his employer about the gun brandishing, abuse toward me issues, trying to make it seem as though it were me. He is the biggest, creepiest LIAR Piece of trash man that I have ever encountered.
Disgusts me, he lets me live in his control freak torture pit ghetto household, but if I was an emergency or was out of money or food he wont help. I hope I don't offend anyone, he has never done anything without whining like the biggest bitch on earth.
He can't hear, loosing his vision, and still drinks, drives, works, carries a gun, and is a sincere threat to my safety. I HATE Him, and as for my mother she is a FOOL. I am the only one when he passes that will be around, I am making my plans to bail on that woman. My father has NO AFTER CARE set up for her, no will that is worth beans, she will have to go to probate, I won't help her.

Sad1, your current issues with your mom are so similar to mine. I find myself also wanting to "confront" my mother... but in hope of what? In hope that she will suddenly "realize the error of her ways" and turn into the considerate, thinking mother with common sense that I WANT to have? No, she's not going to do that. And for me anyway, the good news is I think my mother really WANTS to be helpful and caring to me. She just has some personality/brain chemistry issues that cause her to regularly go off the rails in her own life, and the closer she is to me, then I began to be affected by it.

Austin you mentioned my mother volunteering at soup kitchen. Guess what? SHE DOES! That IS why she has all this massive amount of food all the time and brings it up here like she is going to feed an army! But the problem is, I got very sick in Spring this year and now need most of my fridge to store fresh veggies that I juice every day. But for the past few months, every time my mother comes up, much of that fridge space gets re-engineered to hold all these big amounts of processed fresh foods that no one here eats. My dad eats like a bird and I eat (drink) mainly veggies (there's some fish in the freezer I also eat, but in general I'm on self-restricted diet right now due to recent serious illness). Seriously, I do not expect my mother to just cater to my wishes... but when a woman comes into your house, REPEATEDLY, and displaces your choice food with what SHE sees as "helping you out" food... And I tell her over and over that I just have to end up throwing out all the food... but she still brings in this large quantity of food, still takes over most of space in fridge, and the last time she did it? She left me a note telling me that she thanked me for my understanding that she needed all that space in the fridge. Literally. Left me a thank you note. Because she KNOWS I don't want her doing it. So now she's able to keep her behavior that SHE wants to do (bringing the food) and justifies by leaving me "thank you note" for "understanding her need" to commandeer the fridge.

Is it petty? Very. Not a big deal with the food. Its a symptom of a bigger problem. She can't seem to LISTEN or SEE me for who I am. She sees ME as an EXTENSION of HER. So I get no autonomous basic respect in the relationship. And since she doesn't stop to think about her actions and how they're affecting me, she is perfectly capable of causing REAL chaos... in the form of going to police with completely out of line suspicion about financial abuse. But her behavior is echoed in my bro, who basically said to me "if you're NOT actually doing F.A., whats the harm in mom going to police?" Sigh. I can't win by confronting, arguing, reasoning here. I can only draw the line in the sand.

My mother seems to just get unhealthily obsessed with her notions... one thing that my mother has said to me many times, in so many words, is that I am a "gold-digger because I dated rich guys." I'm paraphrasing here but this concept in her head has rolled off her tongue to me and always leaves me wanting to smack her (lol! I wouldn't do that... ) and go cry. My mother does not understand her (used to be) capable, successful daughter because my mother isn't like that. My mother lives in a little trailer that her sister gave her that is jammed to the hilt with clutter because my mom is a hoarder. She comes from a mentality, inside her own head, of scarcity. This largely is why she is unhealthily obsessed with money and interprets my good deeds (and good relationships) as being somehow about my getting my hands on some money.

I'll figure this out, this relationship with my mom. I'm just so glad now that I'm aware, that I see it for what it is... my mom IS a "good person." But her goodness and helping are like addictions for her, if that makes sense. She is unwilling to focus her attentions inward... to her own needs, and they are many... so instead just keeps "giving" so she can feel good about herself... or distracting herself with her latest unhealthy obsession or self-provided "project"...

I would like her to refocus on her own great needs, but I do realize I cannot make that decision for her... so she then puts me in position of having to set boundaries that I really wish I didn't have to enact... but she's leaving me no choice...

Perhaps when my father's situation is sorted out and he's being taken care of, I can readdress the larger mental issues my mother has. I think she would benefit from counseling, if she would go... she doesn't "believe" in it... and I'd be willing to go to family counseling with her. We'll see.

Austin, I'm so happy for you that you got a second chance at a supportive and loving significant other. I've never married "the wrong man" but I've certainly dated them... for YEARS... lol. And I very much agree that sometimes, even though we truly don't want to just detach from people, they leave us the choice of either - reinforce the behavior by sticking around, or drawing the line in the sand where we say that we deserve, and will get, different treatment... or not deal with them at all... makes so much sense to me.

Its a pretty nice day out in Chicago. I'm going to be pulling up weeds and trimming some bushes for rest of the day. Hope you all are enjoying your Saturday.

sad -I would let it go-she wants to argue-narcissic people do-and why get yourself all agrevated-can you call instead of going to her place and if she starts up again say goodby and stay away she will be looked after in AL I had to do that with my late husband when he was in short-term rehab-when he belittled me on the phone I stayed away for a few days which hurt him not me-before he died he learned I was not going to take his nonsense-he treats me like dirt I stay away-it helped my peace of mind-now I met a great guy who treats me well-I will never forget those bad years-but now know what good love is and appreciate this man so much-I am bless-not many get a second chance at being happy.

Since my new revolution of my mother being narcissistic - and had always in the past blamed it on her alcoholism - I have had so many emotions. Now - after 57 years of being emotional and verbally abused by her I find myself being her caretaker - and my brother was smart and washed his hands of her years ago. My husband keeps reminding me that since she is in assisted living - that I finally have the power to walk out and not take it anymore. I honestly feel pretty stupid for this taking me so long to figure out. I had always associated narcissism with egotistical - which it is - and after reading the information (and ordering 2 books) I realize that this really does open a whole new door for me (LOL). After her begging for this dental appointment - and our last argument - she went from attacker to victim in a nanosecond. So - now is the waiting game - canceled the appointment and will wait until she has pain - but now the question is since I left in a argument and there is not the scheduled appointment - how long before I go back? My typical visits are about 3 weeks - but I am so angry now - I just want to leave her there and not look back.

Not only am I angry for myself - but now seeing how my dad was such a victim and enabler too - just makes me sad...I again assumed he was the enabler for the alcoholism - but it clearly was both. So - maybe my question is also - once I do go back - act like the fight never happened - and move forward? Do I confront her with anything - or just let it go - like everything else I have let go? Seems like it wouldn't go anywhere if I did confront her - plus her stroke has her brain a bit messed up...ugh.

Sharyn, you are so right...i joke and laugh so I don't lose it! A sense of humor certainly gets me through the rough times!

Allison I found when I was the cargiver any small steps I took to set boundaries gave me the confidence to take steps to make life easier-I like your decision to leave when she visits-that way she will have to be the caregiver and that probably will not be what she wants-she just wants to upset the applecart and if she actually has to fix meals and clean up these visits may not be fun-she has no right to take over your fridge-maybe if she has a small area to use and will have to leave her products out the fridge she may not bring so much the next time, it is sad she could not use her time to volunteer in her neighborhood maybe in a food pantery or a soup kitchen where she would be doing good-but that probably will never happen

I said "my mom has had me going...for the past week." I do realize that she can only cause emotional chaos within me as much as I let her. I think what I'm feeling right now is a mixture of emotions that is a result of realizing that I must do something... I must enact boundaries... and I will have to do this with her for the rest of my life. There's something about that concept that makes me angry and resentful (right now... I'm sure I'll get over it...) because I have to bear responsibility for her nuttiness... because she won't... Grr...

How I avoided this step in my life thus far was just being physically out of my family's geographical region. They still caused me some drama at holiday time when I'd go visit, but then I would leave again, lol, and so everything was manageable...

But this is the right way to do things: setting boundaries. NOT avoiding them altogether. My mom's butting in is also a symptom of her missing me for the past 15 years, I think. And I want to be sympathetic to her being my mother. I'm sure it isn't easy when your only daughter doesn't want much to do with you...

Austin, what you say here in your post IS partly true... there's no doubt in my mind that in some way, my mother is enjoying the all-around drama and distraction, from her own life, that she gets by coming to my dad's house for visits. She always brings a bunch of food that no one wants or eats (I've told her this, she doesn't seem to get it), takes over my refrigerator and even went so far as to empty my veggie crisper drawer (I juice everyday and fresh veggies are important to me) and fill it with meatballs and pizzas which she knows I don't eat right now due to health concerns... so she basically spends 48 hours each visit taking over, causing chaos, asking prying questions and butting into anything and everything... during one of her recent visits she went through some of my boxed up personal items in the basement storage area, pulled some of my antique sterling silver collectibles out and was asking me about where I got them, etc. What is so disturbing to me is that she somehow found her way into going through my stacked up boxes... Anyway, this is just me venting... Before she went to the police recently, I had largely just tolerated her "personality quirks."

I did ask my bro for assistance in lovingly but firmly steering our mother's attention back upon herself and her own great needs - not mine or my dad's. I spoke with my bro about the situation, explaining that mom isn't helping, is actually meddling and making things worse on me. My bro came back to me with, and I quote - "Mom meddles. That's what she does." And my bro also said to me "she (mom) is coming up there to take dad to doctor's appointments. How is that not helpful?" But I don't WANT my mom taking my dad to doctor's appointments! She doesn't relay important info to me and just makes things all around more confusing, complicated, worse, more hectic... And to me, the lack of anyone confronting her is a large part of the problem... my mom is NOT narcissistic and if family would support me in pushing back against her actions, I do think she would get the message to the point of at least "butting out" like I want her to.

I'm venting again. I'm pretty angry with my mom. More so than I think I've been aware of. I'm very ready, now, to put my foot down with her. So I've told her in the letter I do not want her to visit. I told her that if she still wants to come visit, to expect me to be displeased about that decision, but that I can't forcibly stop her from coming, and likely I will get a hotel room while she is here.

And that is how I feel about the whole thing. I'll know more this week. I suspect very much she is going to ignore my wishes that she doesn't come up or stay involved with my caregiving... but its just speculation at this point. I've just got to wait and see how she responds. And this is the part where I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. What in the world will she do next? Its not in her repertoire of behaviors to calmly acknowledge she may have overstepped some boundaries... So I'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for "listening" to me vent here, everybody. My mom has had me going on this emotional roller coaster ride really good for the past week. I'll just keep attending my own business one day at a time for now.

setting up boundaires will help you-Mom will not change-she likes the way she can be disruptive-probably enjoys it-can you stop her visits?

I confess I don't know where to start with regards to tonight's post. I DO want to stay connected to this thread, I think its going to be THEE most important thread, for me, on AC... and yet, when things are out of "crisis mode," its kind of difficult, for me, to keep addressing these sticky, deep, hurtful relationships. I WANT to avoid them, lol, and so I do, until the latest of mom or dad's behaviors force me to either "freak out" or take a stand...

I'll start by telling you guys a little more about my dad. He was in a bad car accident in the 50's that left him in a coma for 6 weeks. My paternal GM (whom I also was caregiver to until her death in Feb) used to tell me how my father was "a completely different person" after that accident. There are no medical records, that I've seen, from that time in my dad's life, but it makes sense that he likely sustained a head/brain injury. Now, I know that brain injuries are known to cause sexual abuse dysfunctionality symptoms (don't know what else to call it besides that, lol) in people, and it makes sense to me, based on other things... like my dad's being willing to apologize to me when I point out how his sexual attention makes me feel... that likely my dad suffered a brain injury and this causes his general low functionality behavior, along with a host of other behaviors, that are only getting worse and more pronounced, in general, as he gets older.

For this reason (believing my dad has brain injury) and many others, I have seen my way clear to caregiving to my father in his home. I never planned to give up "my life," that was just something that happened. (More on this in my profile.) But... here I am. Full time caregiver to crazy, abusive dad (does the brain injury make him yell and be hateful much of the time? when do I STOP making excuses for him? I just don't know...), and having to re-confront all of these old issues that I'd very much just gotten over. I am, strangely, grateful for the opportunity to "do it right"... to gain understanding and insight and put some real tools in place that deal with these emotional/relationship issues... not just me being completely out of dad's life, so then I got over my anger and resentment.

As far as my mom goes... I did send her a letter asking her to please "butt out" of my caregiving to my father. We shall see if she respects my wishes or not. I'm not even going to speculate on any future outcome, but I should know in the next week if my mother "got the message" and understood how much chaos she's been causing for me. We shall see. The "bee in her bonnet" story resonated with me, emjo. I clearly see now that my actions have so little effect on what my mother's behavior/decisions are. And, MAN! She just gets to going on the craziest of things! She was just so darn set on finding out if I was receiving any money for caregiving from my father's trust. I had told her NO, I WASN'T many times over! I had told her there are statements, both from dad's bank and statements from trust, in the house that are in plain sight and can be perused. But instead of choosing this way to satisfy her obsessive nosiness here, she kept escalating her behavior until it ended up in her making allegations of financial abuse to the police! Now, THAT'S just "crazy"... to me, anyway... Meanwhile I STILL have a ton of WORK to do every day... my mom is a cleaning lady by occupation... I would very much appreciate her help in keeping dad's house clean... but she doesn't WANT to be of any "real help," or should I say - help that I think I need. She comes up "for a visit" every couple of weeks, makes my life very stressful and chaotic for a few days, then leaves me behind feeling frazzled and worn out. I don't want to be hurtful to my mother. But its high time I learned boundaries/detachment with her and put those ideas firmly in place in our relationship. I'm working on it. Right now I'm going to wait and see if she respects my wishes to stop coming up to visit. We'll see.

I'm sure you can "hear" my frustration with my mother here. I just don't know what to do with her. Its like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's it going to be this week, mom? ...and I just don't know...

krzy~You are not alone. It is hard to be a caregiver to parents who were or are still abusive. Old feelings come to the surface, conflict about ourselves being their child and doing as the parent wants when we know it is not in their best interest. We not only have to switch gears in our thinking about traditional parent/child relationships, we have to deal with all the past/present feelings of abuse. Come on back and share, vent it all helps!!

Sis had another bad visit with mom last night. A caregiver intervened with no success in calming mom down. Sis said it was like a scene from a Stephen King movie, mom is yelling, the caregiver is trying to calm her down, a woman resident walked up to them kept saying yup, yup,yup, a man in a wheelchair came over saying goodbye, goodbye!! Sis's blood sugar was getting low...she felt like she was in another realm. I suggested she keep her visits short like 30 min. or less.

Here I am thinking that I am alone with my conflcting feelings caring for my dad who was an abusive alcoholic when I was growing up, and well into many years when i was married and out of the house. I am now his main caregiver, with him living with me and although I know that alcoholism is a diseasel, it is hard to forget the memories of what he was like and how it affected me. I have 4 siblings and my parents divorced after 26 years and we all have our own demons. My own daughter inherited "his ways"..which is another story in itself. Of course with age he has certainly mellowed and has become the better person with not drinking and I do love him..but thoughts come up every day that make me confused with my feelings and sacrifices for him. thanks for the subject!

Hi everyone!

They never accept blame or are never at fault...for many years I felt guilt if I did anything for my own benefit. I still fall apart when mom cries tears wanting to go home. I wish I had magic words to help all of you but I don't...just keep coming here and sharing, we support you, understand what you're going through. Big Hugs to everyone!

I agree about windows 8. Early Wednesday morning we had a power outage for a couple hours and when the power came back on...our HP will no longer work, maybe the hard drive finally died. I am now forced to use the new computer we bought back in Dec. I get frustrated with it trying to figure it out.

Mom has been at war with the lady in the room next to her. They share the bathroom so easy access to each others rooms. They finally moved the lady next door to another room. Mom has been accusing the lady of stealing her make up and her afghan (mom doesn't have an afghan there). Territorial mom, LOL!! Oh mom had no problem sneaking into other residents rooms to use their phones...!!

Hang in there everyone, hugs to all!!

Emjo...I just have a minute but just addressing the windows 8 - yes it is a pain - for on in Jan and just now getting used to it...there will most likely glitches in it - so make sure you update it regularly for fixes!

Allison- thanks! I am so glad to bring a good laugh - my friends really don't get it. One of my sons had a girlfriend that had heard about my mom and she thought she was prepared - I had a long talk with her before we all went to dinner as she was a sensitive girl...when we returned I asked if I had exaggerated her behavior and she looked at me with deer eyes and said" not even a little bit"! Hahahaha! At least we can laugh about it. I can't tell you how many times I had to go back to waitresses and give them an additional tip for putting up with her and appologize. And I haven't even started about the rashes I used to get from stress.....ahhhhh!

hanging tough, Alison - I am still working on or realising some childhood stuff but not as much as in the past. As the parent-child roles change, stuff surfaces. I think we all want to give appropriate care or we wouldn't be here, and also want not to be harmed further. Facing things leads to growth and healing. You have discovered a great truth in life -when you change, they change or perhaps the relationship dynamics change. I am truly sorry that your mum is butting into your caregiving. Can you set a boundary there and tell her to butt out, firmly, as many times as it takes? You do have a lot on your plate - don't underestimate it. The DRAMA is exhausting, wasteful, and demoralising.

a quote from your post "Now, I don't like seeing him troubled... I'm not a vengeful person... but I'm not going to slow down asserting my strength so my crazy father can feel better about himself. He made his choices. That's all there is to it. I hope this makes sense. I'm truly not unkind. I gave up my entire life to answer the call from an ailing father who never paid child support, didn't know my birthday or that my eyes are blue, and molested me during visitation. I obviously do care. But at what cost? I'm going to move forward with figuring out my father's plans and look to a time where I'm living MY life again."
It makes total sense. Obviously, you are not unkind. I am glad you are considering the cost. I firmly do not believe that any individual should give up their life to care for another if it is to their detriment. Care for another, but have a life too. God gave us each a life to live, and at times, in my life, that means caring for others, but not to the degree that it lessens me. The bottom line is that your dad gets the care he needs, but you do not necessarily have to do it. Compassion with detachment. ((((((hugs))))

Now I have to tell a funny story which I will entitle the $50 hearing aid battery - or - Playing the Shell Game with Mother. Yesterday when I visited her, mother said one on her hearing aid batteries had gone and she needed me to get her another one. That was all I needed! I had just been to 5 stations spread all over the hospital trying to track down if she came into the hospital with the sum of cash that she has lost and had lots more to do. I did not drive here, so I am using cabs a lot. Basically it means I have to take a cab back to her apartment, find her batteries and fit it into the other things I have to do, take another cab back, I may have to stop along the way and buy some new ones, and hers have no number on them which makes it difficult, and so on, Hence the $50 hearing aid battery. I will do it this morning and have booked the skyshuttle, which takes me to the airport, to pick me up at the hospital. Saves one cab trip. The shell game was that mother took the dead batteries out of one hearing aid and then took out her other hearing aid with the good batteries and took that battery out and then put one back in and did this a couple of times then said to me "Which one is the good battery" I had been watching closely and think I picked the right one. You gotta laugh at it.
Had supper last night with an ex student, now friend, whose son took his life about 10 months ago. It was enjoyable but not easy and brought up some feelings. Called G about 8:30 and the team had just finished the audit and were going for supper. Then he had work to do to get ready for the morning, so we chatted a bit and I will see him Sunday night before we fly out to Montreal. My feet are sore from walking many, many, many, city blocks -about 40 one day. I have a few major blisters but it was a good way to de-stress and I really enjoyed the walking, Now I need them to heal before I get to Montreal as I want to walk there. The other funny thing was that I bought mother a new computer and it is Windows 8. Well, frankly I don't like it and it will take me a while to get used to it so I did not accomplish what I wanted to and will have to go home and learn Windows 8 . I bought a second computer as G/the business needs one and they were on sale with an extra 10% off, best price I have seen in years. But Windows 8 is a pain. Rambling now, woke up too early with things spinning in my head, hoping mother will be OK next week when we are away...

correction * they never accept ANY blame or responsibility* and *see* not seen

probably more typos but all I can spot for now :)

college - so glad all is well with the tests so far. Please keep us updated. Also glad that your mum is behaving - that is worth a lot! I must have miscommunicated about mother and hospital. She is healthy as a horse - no surgery planned. It is her emotions that are sick due to the borderline personality disorder, she is becoming more and more paranoid, and therefore anxious. Her memory is slipping more and more, so she gets confused, and her judgement is worsening. However she does need prayer, and so do I as I start to take over control of her business. She is very independent and has done a great job of finances all her life, but some irregularities are occurring.
sad1 -we understand. I know over my life some people have just looked at me and I know they don't understand when I talk about my family, I do understand about your mum firing everyone. With mother things only last so long and then she finds fault - huge fault. the drinking can be part of a PD 0 or perhaps more a symptom, but not the cause of the behaviours as you have found out. Yes they never accept and blame or responsibility, and always put it off onto others. I have found I have to take breaks, especially after an episode like that - and it does send a message. Whether it affects the situation positively or negatively, if you need a break, you take one. How she responds to that is her choice. Don't let her manipulate you! After a while we really begin to seen the patterns of a lifetime. Keep learning. Knowledge is power! (((((((hugs)))))))

lost this a couple of times but will try again. Multiple issues indeed! EPA is Enduring Power of Attorney -POA. G is Gary my sig other. We have been together 4 years now after both of us being on your own for quite a while. He understands mother pretty well and is supportive. Re handling it I was referring to everything - mother's stuff and travelling. I have had a couple of health issue which laid me low for a while, but am bouncing back.
Good luck with getting your dad deemed incompetent. For us I believe it will come in time as it did for sharyn's mum, and probably sooner rather than later. I think it is important to document any decline in function and unusual behaviours and share those with the doctor. They have their tests and criteria and often the pattern is that the family sees the decline before others do, and before the criteria are met. Sharyn has just gone through this and I am right now. However the nature of the beast is that the decline will continue, but you may not get the support that you need from the medical community until the decline is greater. The unfortunate part of that is that your parent may be at risk during that period and also is capable of "show timing" - impressing others for short periods of time, such as doctors appointments. It is frustrating, but you have the right approach - keep on keeping on, and roll with the punches.
thanks sharyn and Alison - it is great to get some affirmation. PDs get better as they get older??????? I don't think so. There may be a few small ways in which she has softened - but the whole picture - No Way! Re incompetence, I am very much a realist, and accepting the incompetence means understanding the changes and that helps me, But, I do grieve the changes! sharyn, glad you have finished painting. Must give you some sense of accomplishment. I know it all will come together eventually - thanks for the reassurance. Other than putting her into a secured unit, it is as good as it gets for now. I emailed mother's lawyer who agreed that I should continue with the EPA and perhaps set up a small joint account for her to access money for groceries and other small purchases. The EPA has not gone through yet, and the gal is going away for 2 weeks so will call me on the 30th.I will be back from Montreal by then, mother should be back in her apartment and the arrangement can be made. Meanwhile I will make her promise me that she will not give her credit card number to anyone, nor make any large withdrawals from the bank while I am away. Fortunately after she gave her credit card number to someone over the phone she has enough sense to realize she had done wrong and go to the bank to cancel it - or so she says. The main part of her money is in trust with an investment firm and each month a sum sufficient for the month is put into her chequing account, so, thankfully, only a month's worth is at risk, as far as I understand it. Her financial advisor at the investment firm is mine too, and an exceptionally nice and capable man. He has been a friend to her, and managed her temperament and her money very well.
Will close this and start another one. I don't want to lose it again. Love and hugs Joan - praying for us all!

Sad1, forgot about this -

Another thing you mentioned in your post that struck home with me is how that, no matter the situation, YOU end up fielding BLAME for just about anything and everything. This to me, is the very crux of what it means to be a child and caregiver, to dysfunctional parents. It seems to me that no matter how much I give or try, I end up fielding blame from my parents and my siblings. I realize NOW that in the past I contributed to them being able to place blame with me by reacting in an emotional way. I notice, as I've been involved with this site and other vent threads, and as I'm changing MY behavior to a cooler-headed, more detached approach... now my father is realizing - truly realizing - that I won't be around forever to put up with his bellyaching and blaming me for everything. He has turned from an angry, aggressive person into a mild little mouse. Its strange. I've noticed it for several days now. I don't engage with him, I don't interact with him, I provide his care and thats it. And his eyes are troubled and he's quiet. Now, I don't like seeing him troubled... I'm not a vengeful person... but I'm not going to slow down asserting my strength so my crazy father can feel better about himself. He made his choices. That's all there is to it. I hope this makes sense. I'm truly not unkind. I gave up my entire life to answer the call from an ailing father who never paid child support, didn't know my birthday or that my eyes are blue, and molested me during visitation. I obviously do care. But at what cost? I'm going to move forward with figuring out my father's plans and look to a time where I'm living MY life again.

Sad1 - lmao, sorry sister, but your comment just tickled me. About you winning prize for worst mom. Yes, I know that feeling. I got "#1 worst mom" AND "#1 worst dad" lol! But none of it matters to me so much anymore... not as much as learning to set the boundaries of today. It DOES bring back our childhood vulnerabilities... doesn't it... thats something I've been going through since physically returning to American midwest after escaping for 15 years to the West Coast. Now, returning "home" and caregiving to elderly father has put all this... STUFF... back in my face. But I'm truly glad for the opportunity to overcome it all, again, and in a better way than just physically running from all of it.

Gosh, I'm just so glad no one here judges. This kind of emotional work leaves us (me) feeling so doubtful and vulnerable... All I really want, at the end of the day, is to be able to give appropriate help and care to my parents, or any other family that needs it, without being sucked into some DRAMA I didn't start and don't want any part of!

I do have quite a bit on my mind with regard to both my father (my charge) and my mother (who's butting into my caregiving lately)... but I'm going to cap here tonight and be back tomorrow.

Hope all of you are doing good and hanging tough. {{HUGS}}

Hi - So - as I am new to this - NPD and eldercare - and I know we all have some pretty amazing stories...I laugh when someone tells me their mother is difficult - I (unfortunately usually win the prize for the worst) - but not here - I finally feel like someone really understands - and I am really so thankful! So - in a nutshell (hahaha pun intended) my mother had a frontal lobe stroke last September and was deemed incompetent as it affects speech (aphasic), short term memory and decision making - so she was placed in an assisted living. she probably could go home if she didn't fire everyone trying to help her - and she is nice and funny - when she wants something. For history - she has drank quite a bit as far back as I can remember - and I always blamed her behavior on that...and for the life of me couldn't understand why she was the same - other than the stroke - as she isn't drinking anymore. Now I know!

so her latest drama is the dental appointment that she made me make for her is to early - now she has totally refusing to go due to the time being to early. I didn't give her a choice - and so tomorrow morning canceling it. She turned another situation around and told the caregiver that it didn't matter if she went or not as I would be mad at her no matter what. wow! Ok . So - getting blamed again for her decisions - and I am so thankful that you are all here and understand. I am going to take a break for a few weeks and not see her - see if that helps or hurts the situation, and in the mean time - continue reading on the Narcissistic mother. This is all bringing up stuff from my high school years! Yikes! Thanks again and hugs to all!

We were at the hospital all day doing the tests for stroke, brain scan, heart enzymes, etc. Nothing yet, everything is good! More tests ordered. Will let you all know what happens next. Momma loves my husband so she is being so good. My daughter with the twins watched her today. Love to all, I'm exausted. Joan I'm praying for all to go well with your Momma's operation Monday.

Alison~My mother is in a memory care unit at a senior living community. It was quite a process last year as she continued to decline mentally. Mom refused to take Namenda or Aricept and the result was she declined rather quickly in 3 years. Due to her mental decline, we were finally able to get her in to see a neurologist (she refused to go when she was able to understand what the appointment was for). The neurologist did a memory test, ordered a cat scan on her brain and blood work to rule out other causes of memory issues. After all the results were in, he said she could not make decisions for herself anymore. We started mom on Namenda shortly after the diagnosis. Once we had the diagnosis in writing we went to mom's elder law attorney and he worked with us getting her financial affairs under my sisters care. We then had authority to make all medical and financial decisions for mom and we moved her in to assisted living for about 6 weeks until an apartment was available in the memory care unit. Since January of this year, I took control of mom's medication, giving it to her daily since she could not handle that part of her life anymore. We were very blessed that my mom had a couple of lady friends she trusted and they helped us in making sure her bills were paid,etc until we could officially take over.Yes, last year was very stressful as we had to wait and watch as she declined before we could legally take over (DPOA was written so we could not take control until she was diagnosed incompetent). Hang in there Alison, sometimes we have to wait and see in addition to going to the dr. several times before things are diagnosed and getting them on the right medication to help them. Big HUGS to you as you journey through this!!

Joan~I agree with Alison...You are doing wonderfully considering the circumstances and big HUGS to you!! Your mom may not be incompetent at this point in time but it does should like she is struggling to hang on and it will be a matter of time. I know it is hard to hear your parent in incompetent, I struggled with that term when my dad was determined to be so and then my mom as well. Unfortunately, it does make some things easier once you have authority to make decision for a parent. Hopefully with the teams reassurances and yours as well, your mother will comply with the caregivers in taking the medication. That is the biggest problem with treating PD's... their thinking is so ingrained and even though from what I have read about it saying they get better as they get older????Not in my experience or in yours.

I finished painting the room, WHOO HOO, YAY!!! It has been a project in process for over a year now. The horizontal paint lines are still there but about 80% better. I just don't want to spend anymore time trying to sand them down....I even used rubbing alcohol on them to soften and dissolve old paint then scrapped with a putty knife.

You are making progress Joan, though not as fast as you would like, but it will all come together eventually and your worries will be less and your mother will be safer. Take care and get rested, Hugs!!

Joan, first let me say "whew!" you are right in the middle of tackling multiple issues regarding your mom, aren't you? What is EPA (I'm guessing NOT the Environmental Protection Agency, lol! I do realize you're Canadian, they must have different terminology there for some things?) and who is G, to you, if you don't mind my asking... And CONGRATS on "handling it"! Wasn't sure if you meant the trip you're on currently or one pending to Montreal... congrats on ALL of it, lol!

Congrats to all of us, while I'm at it, for "handling it." I have a lot of respect and admiration for caregivers, and caregivers to dysfunctional should win a super special award, lol.

Sharynmarie, emjo, I see both of you are dealing with situations where your elderly is not deemed incompetent. I've been mulling over my father's situation for the past few days and have decided its time to proceed with... hopefully... getting him deemed incompetent so my brother can become guardian.

But I realize after reading your posts that this is not a guaranteed outcome by any stretch. I won't borrow tomorrow's troubles and I won't speculate on whether or not a physician will or won't deem my father incompetent, but certainly any advice either of you have about HOW to get doctors to deem incompetency... well, that would be appreciated.

My dad is certainly a super low functioning human being at this point. He doesn't leave his room, I provide all his food, he forgets to take his medications on a daily basis, he is easily confused about anything and everything...

And yet, sharynmarie, I could really identify when you said that your mother could be quite charming when she wants to be. This is how my father is. He is so "on" for his medical appointments... its bizarre to me, really... I've been taking him to weekly medical appointments for a year now and he is flat out combative and hateful to me the majority of the time... but get him in front of some doctors and nurses and he's just full of jokes and goodwill...

Its frustrating to be sure. But like I said, I won't predict an outcome. I'll just make a new appointment for assessment and do my best... like I always do these days, lol... Just gotta roll with the punches, no matter what.

Take care all, see you here again tomorrow.

College - glad your husband was fine this morning and also that the docs are attending to it. Wow, lots of grandbabies and some greats!!! Awesome,

sharyn, unfortunately you are right. Mother was only diagnosed with BPD when the senior nanny we had hired broke down in hospital. I remember the episode you had with the lawyer. Mother can be sweet too, but it doesn't last. The psych said it was to late for her for the BPD you and your sis disagree - my sis has not accepted the diagnosis "After all, she is 100 yrs old" as if that explains everything. How did your painting go? You have been working on this project for quite a while.
cmag -thanks for prayers -all prayers very gratefully received. It does sound like your mum is declining. Oh boy another surgery!!! It has to be hard on her physically.
thx Austin - it is not fun, is it? But I am working with it and doing what I can the the chips will fall where they may. I can only do so much. I fully expect a blast from my sister and my mother at some time, and let me tell you they are going to hear back from me in no uncertain terms!
sad1 - isn't the affirmation wonderful" It does bring up a bunch of emotions. It is good to get the anger out to the surface. You can use the energy in dealing with your mum. My mum pulled a fast one when she was having her hip repaired. I saw it coming an ducked out. At the time she has a nurse who was helping her out and she didn't need me, but she wanted an entourage - you know - the queen thing. They have absolutely no concern for how they waste other people's time and energy.. You did the right thing. As sharyn said you drew a boundary, and that is one of the keys to dealing with a narcissist/personality disorder as they have no boundaries. As sharyn says - hold your ground, keep the boundary firm. decide what you will and won't do and stick to it. It doesn't matter how it lokos to other people or what they say. Anyone who has dealt with your mum or someone like her understand. Others don't but that's OK.
Alison - h0ow are you doing? thinking about you.
sunny - take care
Margeaux -where are you?
everyone - love, hugs, and prayers - have a good night Joan

Going to update you all on my day then respond to the posts. I am very tired, but part of that is that I walked about 36 city blocks -good way to let off steam and save cab money, but my feet are sore and I have at least one good blister. I have to say I enjoyed it though.

I told them they were responsible for her welfare and they said she is competent, so responsible for herself. I said her behaviour does not indicate that. They said the tests indicate that she is. Yesterday the geriatric doc said borderline. I said I was very close to being done with handling the crises. I told them a little about the family and that I had been handling crises for 70 years and needed no more. The psychiatrist heard me, thanked me for being candid and said I did not have to attend the meeting. I did not go into the main meeting, but went with the team to her bedroom after when they explained the details to her. They have convinced her to go back to her ALF, though she really doesn't want to.. They have gotten her to agree to have her meds bubble packed and given her by a care worker. They are trying to ensure that she takes the meds for paranoia - an anti-psychotic med. She is not happy that someone is handling her meds and I expect trouble there. She is happy that a neurogeriatric team will follow up and visit her periodically. She now says she wants to go to a certain other ALF and they have agreed, and will put her there at the next level of care up from where she is now, but not a secure unit. It will take some time before the processing is done and a place is available for her as there are wait lists. Her stories get more and more mixed up and her paranoia is very present. The psych remarked about her anger - I said all her life.
I went to her ALF to check on the money she withdrew, as she said she had put it in a certain place and there was only $50 there, so I expect accusations against the ALF for theft. She already says they are stealing money from her account. My sis said she took out $2000, mother thinks she took out $500 but she wasn't sure. Only the bank statement will tell. Her computer is working, but is old (1996) so I bought her a new one and will set it up tomorrow. Email is the main thing. She is having some trouble with making phone calls from the sound of it, and of course thinks the ALF is blocking her calls.
I have very little confidence that she will stay quiet till the move is ready. It will take a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in, I believe, and lots can happen in that time. She could refuse to take those meds, fight with the care giver who is giving it to her and so on, and have another crisis thinking they are going to do this or that to her. I told the doctors to tell her she is not, at present, qualified for a nursing home so the ALF cannot send her to one. That did not help much, so I told her I had papers from the lawyer (the directive) and that I would tell the ALF director that he cannot send her anywhere without my permission. She felt better about that. One other thing we need to accomplish is to find her a doctor though if she doesn't feel well she says she will go to the ER in the hospital she is in. She seems to trust them. She is so paranoid that she thinks the government is controlling most of the doctors so they are not safe for her as they will send her to a nursing home.
Her financial advisor emailed me and suggested that we set up her trusts and account jointly with me and with Right of Survivorship. That might be enough for now as I would have access to her accounts to keep an eye on them. On the other hand with EPA I can limit how much she withdraws which may be necessary.
I suspect she will continue to decline as regards her memory and her judgement at least, and her paranoia will increase. The psychiatrist said there was nothing they could do for the BPD - it was too ingrained and in any case there wasn't much known to be successful.

I am glad we are past this day even if the outcome is not what I think is best. I have yet to deal with her knowing I have enacted the EPA. Not quite sure how to proceed with that or if I should stall if for now and try to get the joint accounts set up. That may be the better thing to do right away. I will talk to the bank gal about it and inform the lawyer that mother has been deemed competent. Tomorrow I will set up her new computer, visit mother in the hospital, and meet a girlfriend for supper. G will be in town on business tomorrow and Friday which will take up most of his time but we should be able to get together in the evening. I postponed my trip home till Friday and 2nd son will pick me up at the airport in the evening. The
n breathe deep, wash clothes and get ready to go to Montreal on Monday!!! I am pleased that I can handle it.