Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
How I avoided this step in my life thus far was just being physically out of my family's geographical region. They still caused me some drama at holiday time when I'd go visit, but then I would leave again, lol, and so everything was manageable...
But this is the right way to do things: setting boundaries. NOT avoiding them altogether. My mom's butting in is also a symptom of her missing me for the past 15 years, I think. And I want to be sympathetic to her being my mother. I'm sure it isn't easy when your only daughter doesn't want much to do with you...
I did ask my bro for assistance in lovingly but firmly steering our mother's attention back upon herself and her own great needs - not mine or my dad's. I spoke with my bro about the situation, explaining that mom isn't helping, is actually meddling and making things worse on me. My bro came back to me with, and I quote - "Mom meddles. That's what she does." And my bro also said to me "she (mom) is coming up there to take dad to doctor's appointments. How is that not helpful?" But I don't WANT my mom taking my dad to doctor's appointments! She doesn't relay important info to me and just makes things all around more confusing, complicated, worse, more hectic... And to me, the lack of anyone confronting her is a large part of the problem... my mom is NOT narcissistic and if family would support me in pushing back against her actions, I do think she would get the message to the point of at least "butting out" like I want her to.
I'm venting again. I'm pretty angry with my mom. More so than I think I've been aware of. I'm very ready, now, to put my foot down with her. So I've told her in the letter I do not want her to visit. I told her that if she still wants to come visit, to expect me to be displeased about that decision, but that I can't forcibly stop her from coming, and likely I will get a hotel room while she is here.
And that is how I feel about the whole thing. I'll know more this week. I suspect very much she is going to ignore my wishes that she doesn't come up or stay involved with my caregiving... but its just speculation at this point. I've just got to wait and see how she responds. And this is the part where I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. What in the world will she do next? Its not in her repertoire of behaviors to calmly acknowledge she may have overstepped some boundaries... So I'll just have to wait and see.
Thanks for "listening" to me vent here, everybody. My mom has had me going on this emotional roller coaster ride really good for the past week. I'll just keep attending my own business one day at a time for now.
I'll start by telling you guys a little more about my dad. He was in a bad car accident in the 50's that left him in a coma for 6 weeks. My paternal GM (whom I also was caregiver to until her death in Feb) used to tell me how my father was "a completely different person" after that accident. There are no medical records, that I've seen, from that time in my dad's life, but it makes sense that he likely sustained a head/brain injury. Now, I know that brain injuries are known to cause sexual abuse dysfunctionality symptoms (don't know what else to call it besides that, lol) in people, and it makes sense to me, based on other things... like my dad's being willing to apologize to me when I point out how his sexual attention makes me feel... that likely my dad suffered a brain injury and this causes his general low functionality behavior, along with a host of other behaviors, that are only getting worse and more pronounced, in general, as he gets older.
For this reason (believing my dad has brain injury) and many others, I have seen my way clear to caregiving to my father in his home. I never planned to give up "my life," that was just something that happened. (More on this in my profile.) But... here I am. Full time caregiver to crazy, abusive dad (does the brain injury make him yell and be hateful much of the time? when do I STOP making excuses for him? I just don't know...), and having to re-confront all of these old issues that I'd very much just gotten over. I am, strangely, grateful for the opportunity to "do it right"... to gain understanding and insight and put some real tools in place that deal with these emotional/relationship issues... not just me being completely out of dad's life, so then I got over my anger and resentment.
As far as my mom goes... I did send her a letter asking her to please "butt out" of my caregiving to my father. We shall see if she respects my wishes or not. I'm not even going to speculate on any future outcome, but I should know in the next week if my mother "got the message" and understood how much chaos she's been causing for me. We shall see. The "bee in her bonnet" story resonated with me, emjo. I clearly see now that my actions have so little effect on what my mother's behavior/decisions are. And, MAN! She just gets to going on the craziest of things! She was just so darn set on finding out if I was receiving any money for caregiving from my father's trust. I had told her NO, I WASN'T many times over! I had told her there are statements, both from dad's bank and statements from trust, in the house that are in plain sight and can be perused. But instead of choosing this way to satisfy her obsessive nosiness here, she kept escalating her behavior until it ended up in her making allegations of financial abuse to the police! Now, THAT'S just "crazy"... to me, anyway... Meanwhile I STILL have a ton of WORK to do every day... my mom is a cleaning lady by occupation... I would very much appreciate her help in keeping dad's house clean... but she doesn't WANT to be of any "real help," or should I say - help that I think I need. She comes up "for a visit" every couple of weeks, makes my life very stressful and chaotic for a few days, then leaves me behind feeling frazzled and worn out. I don't want to be hurtful to my mother. But its high time I learned boundaries/detachment with her and put those ideas firmly in place in our relationship. I'm working on it. Right now I'm going to wait and see if she respects my wishes to stop coming up to visit. We'll see.
I'm sure you can "hear" my frustration with my mother here. I just don't know what to do with her. Its like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's it going to be this week, mom? ...and I just don't know...
Sis had another bad visit with mom last night. A caregiver intervened with no success in calming mom down. Sis said it was like a scene from a Stephen King movie, mom is yelling, the caregiver is trying to calm her down, a woman resident walked up to them kept saying yup, yup,yup, a man in a wheelchair came over saying goodbye, goodbye!! Sis's blood sugar was getting low...she felt like she was in another realm. I suggested she keep her visits short like 30 min. or less.
They never accept blame or are never at fault...for many years I felt guilt if I did anything for my own benefit. I still fall apart when mom cries tears wanting to go home. I wish I had magic words to help all of you but I don't...just keep coming here and sharing, we support you, understand what you're going through. Big Hugs to everyone!
I agree about windows 8. Early Wednesday morning we had a power outage for a couple hours and when the power came back on...our HP will no longer work, maybe the hard drive finally died. I am now forced to use the new computer we bought back in Dec. I get frustrated with it trying to figure it out.
Mom has been at war with the lady in the room next to her. They share the bathroom so easy access to each others rooms. They finally moved the lady next door to another room. Mom has been accusing the lady of stealing her make up and her afghan (mom doesn't have an afghan there). Territorial mom, LOL!! Oh mom had no problem sneaking into other residents rooms to use their phones...!!
Hang in there everyone, hugs to all!!
Allison- thanks! I am so glad to bring a good laugh - my friends really don't get it. One of my sons had a girlfriend that had heard about my mom and she thought she was prepared - I had a long talk with her before we all went to dinner as she was a sensitive girl...when we returned I asked if I had exaggerated her behavior and she looked at me with deer eyes and said" not even a little bit"! Hahahaha! At least we can laugh about it. I can't tell you how many times I had to go back to waitresses and give them an additional tip for putting up with her and appologize. And I haven't even started about the rashes I used to get from stress.....ahhhhh!
a quote from your post "Now, I don't like seeing him troubled... I'm not a vengeful person... but I'm not going to slow down asserting my strength so my crazy father can feel better about himself. He made his choices. That's all there is to it. I hope this makes sense. I'm truly not unkind. I gave up my entire life to answer the call from an ailing father who never paid child support, didn't know my birthday or that my eyes are blue, and molested me during visitation. I obviously do care. But at what cost? I'm going to move forward with figuring out my father's plans and look to a time where I'm living MY life again."
It makes total sense. Obviously, you are not unkind. I am glad you are considering the cost. I firmly do not believe that any individual should give up their life to care for another if it is to their detriment. Care for another, but have a life too. God gave us each a life to live, and at times, in my life, that means caring for others, but not to the degree that it lessens me. The bottom line is that your dad gets the care he needs, but you do not necessarily have to do it. Compassion with detachment. ((((((hugs))))
Now I have to tell a funny story which I will entitle the $50 hearing aid battery - or - Playing the Shell Game with Mother. Yesterday when I visited her, mother said one on her hearing aid batteries had gone and she needed me to get her another one. That was all I needed! I had just been to 5 stations spread all over the hospital trying to track down if she came into the hospital with the sum of cash that she has lost and had lots more to do. I did not drive here, so I am using cabs a lot. Basically it means I have to take a cab back to her apartment, find her batteries and fit it into the other things I have to do, take another cab back, I may have to stop along the way and buy some new ones, and hers have no number on them which makes it difficult, and so on, Hence the $50 hearing aid battery. I will do it this morning and have booked the skyshuttle, which takes me to the airport, to pick me up at the hospital. Saves one cab trip. The shell game was that mother took the dead batteries out of one hearing aid and then took out her other hearing aid with the good batteries and took that battery out and then put one back in and did this a couple of times then said to me "Which one is the good battery" I had been watching closely and think I picked the right one. You gotta laugh at it.
Had supper last night with an ex student, now friend, whose son took his life about 10 months ago. It was enjoyable but not easy and brought up some feelings. Called G about 8:30 and the team had just finished the audit and were going for supper. Then he had work to do to get ready for the morning, so we chatted a bit and I will see him Sunday night before we fly out to Montreal. My feet are sore from walking many, many, many, city blocks -about 40 one day. I have a few major blisters but it was a good way to de-stress and I really enjoyed the walking, Now I need them to heal before I get to Montreal as I want to walk there. The other funny thing was that I bought mother a new computer and it is Windows 8. Well, frankly I don't like it and it will take me a while to get used to it so I did not accomplish what I wanted to and will have to go home and learn Windows 8 . I bought a second computer as G/the business needs one and they were on sale with an extra 10% off, best price I have seen in years. But Windows 8 is a pain. Rambling now, woke up too early with things spinning in my head, hoping mother will be OK next week when we are away...
probably more typos but all I can spot for now :)
sad1 -we understand. I know over my life some people have just looked at me and I know they don't understand when I talk about my family, I do understand about your mum firing everyone. With mother things only last so long and then she finds fault - huge fault. the drinking can be part of a PD 0 or perhaps more a symptom, but not the cause of the behaviours as you have found out. Yes they never accept and blame or responsibility, and always put it off onto others. I have found I have to take breaks, especially after an episode like that - and it does send a message. Whether it affects the situation positively or negatively, if you need a break, you take one. How she responds to that is her choice. Don't let her manipulate you! After a while we really begin to seen the patterns of a lifetime. Keep learning. Knowledge is power! (((((((hugs)))))))
Good luck with getting your dad deemed incompetent. For us I believe it will come in time as it did for sharyn's mum, and probably sooner rather than later. I think it is important to document any decline in function and unusual behaviours and share those with the doctor. They have their tests and criteria and often the pattern is that the family sees the decline before others do, and before the criteria are met. Sharyn has just gone through this and I am right now. However the nature of the beast is that the decline will continue, but you may not get the support that you need from the medical community until the decline is greater. The unfortunate part of that is that your parent may be at risk during that period and also is capable of "show timing" - impressing others for short periods of time, such as doctors appointments. It is frustrating, but you have the right approach - keep on keeping on, and roll with the punches.
thanks sharyn and Alison - it is great to get some affirmation. PDs get better as they get older??????? I don't think so. There may be a few small ways in which she has softened - but the whole picture - No Way! Re incompetence, I am very much a realist, and accepting the incompetence means understanding the changes and that helps me, But, I do grieve the changes! sharyn, glad you have finished painting. Must give you some sense of accomplishment. I know it all will come together eventually - thanks for the reassurance. Other than putting her into a secured unit, it is as good as it gets for now. I emailed mother's lawyer who agreed that I should continue with the EPA and perhaps set up a small joint account for her to access money for groceries and other small purchases. The EPA has not gone through yet, and the gal is going away for 2 weeks so will call me on the 30th.I will be back from Montreal by then, mother should be back in her apartment and the arrangement can be made. Meanwhile I will make her promise me that she will not give her credit card number to anyone, nor make any large withdrawals from the bank while I am away. Fortunately after she gave her credit card number to someone over the phone she has enough sense to realize she had done wrong and go to the bank to cancel it - or so she says. The main part of her money is in trust with an investment firm and each month a sum sufficient for the month is put into her chequing account, so, thankfully, only a month's worth is at risk, as far as I understand it. Her financial advisor at the investment firm is mine too, and an exceptionally nice and capable man. He has been a friend to her, and managed her temperament and her money very well.
Will close this and start another one. I don't want to lose it again. Love and hugs Joan - praying for us all!
Another thing you mentioned in your post that struck home with me is how that, no matter the situation, YOU end up fielding BLAME for just about anything and everything. This to me, is the very crux of what it means to be a child and caregiver, to dysfunctional parents. It seems to me that no matter how much I give or try, I end up fielding blame from my parents and my siblings. I realize NOW that in the past I contributed to them being able to place blame with me by reacting in an emotional way. I notice, as I've been involved with this site and other vent threads, and as I'm changing MY behavior to a cooler-headed, more detached approach... now my father is realizing - truly realizing - that I won't be around forever to put up with his bellyaching and blaming me for everything. He has turned from an angry, aggressive person into a mild little mouse. Its strange. I've noticed it for several days now. I don't engage with him, I don't interact with him, I provide his care and thats it. And his eyes are troubled and he's quiet. Now, I don't like seeing him troubled... I'm not a vengeful person... but I'm not going to slow down asserting my strength so my crazy father can feel better about himself. He made his choices. That's all there is to it. I hope this makes sense. I'm truly not unkind. I gave up my entire life to answer the call from an ailing father who never paid child support, didn't know my birthday or that my eyes are blue, and molested me during visitation. I obviously do care. But at what cost? I'm going to move forward with figuring out my father's plans and look to a time where I'm living MY life again.
Gosh, I'm just so glad no one here judges. This kind of emotional work leaves us (me) feeling so doubtful and vulnerable... All I really want, at the end of the day, is to be able to give appropriate help and care to my parents, or any other family that needs it, without being sucked into some DRAMA I didn't start and don't want any part of!
I do have quite a bit on my mind with regard to both my father (my charge) and my mother (who's butting into my caregiving lately)... but I'm going to cap here tonight and be back tomorrow.
Hope all of you are doing good and hanging tough. {{HUGS}}
so her latest drama is the dental appointment that she made me make for her is to early - now she has totally refusing to go due to the time being to early. I didn't give her a choice - and so tomorrow morning canceling it. She turned another situation around and told the caregiver that it didn't matter if she went or not as I would be mad at her no matter what. wow! Ok . So - getting blamed again for her decisions - and I am so thankful that you are all here and understand. I am going to take a break for a few weeks and not see her - see if that helps or hurts the situation, and in the mean time - continue reading on the Narcissistic mother. This is all bringing up stuff from my high school years! Yikes! Thanks again and hugs to all!
I finished painting the room, WHOO HOO, YAY!!! It has been a project in process for over a year now. The horizontal paint lines are still there but about 80% better. I just don't want to spend anymore time trying to sand them down....I even used rubbing alcohol on them to soften and dissolve old paint then scrapped with a putty knife.
You are making progress Joan, though not as fast as you would like, but it will all come together eventually and your worries will be less and your mother will be safer. Take care and get rested, Hugs!!
Congrats to all of us, while I'm at it, for "handling it." I have a lot of respect and admiration for caregivers, and caregivers to dysfunctional should win a super special award, lol.
Sharynmarie, emjo, I see both of you are dealing with situations where your elderly is not deemed incompetent. I've been mulling over my father's situation for the past few days and have decided its time to proceed with... hopefully... getting him deemed incompetent so my brother can become guardian.
But I realize after reading your posts that this is not a guaranteed outcome by any stretch. I won't borrow tomorrow's troubles and I won't speculate on whether or not a physician will or won't deem my father incompetent, but certainly any advice either of you have about HOW to get doctors to deem incompetency... well, that would be appreciated.
My dad is certainly a super low functioning human being at this point. He doesn't leave his room, I provide all his food, he forgets to take his medications on a daily basis, he is easily confused about anything and everything...
And yet, sharynmarie, I could really identify when you said that your mother could be quite charming when she wants to be. This is how my father is. He is so "on" for his medical appointments... its bizarre to me, really... I've been taking him to weekly medical appointments for a year now and he is flat out combative and hateful to me the majority of the time... but get him in front of some doctors and nurses and he's just full of jokes and goodwill...
Its frustrating to be sure. But like I said, I won't predict an outcome. I'll just make a new appointment for assessment and do my best... like I always do these days, lol... Just gotta roll with the punches, no matter what.
Take care all, see you here again tomorrow.
sharyn, unfortunately you are right. Mother was only diagnosed with BPD when the senior nanny we had hired broke down in hospital. I remember the episode you had with the lawyer. Mother can be sweet too, but it doesn't last. The psych said it was to late for her for the BPD you and your sis disagree - my sis has not accepted the diagnosis "After all, she is 100 yrs old" as if that explains everything. How did your painting go? You have been working on this project for quite a while.
cmag -thanks for prayers -all prayers very gratefully received. It does sound like your mum is declining. Oh boy another surgery!!! It has to be hard on her physically.
thx Austin - it is not fun, is it? But I am working with it and doing what I can the the chips will fall where they may. I can only do so much. I fully expect a blast from my sister and my mother at some time, and let me tell you they are going to hear back from me in no uncertain terms!
sad1 - isn't the affirmation wonderful" It does bring up a bunch of emotions. It is good to get the anger out to the surface. You can use the energy in dealing with your mum. My mum pulled a fast one when she was having her hip repaired. I saw it coming an ducked out. At the time she has a nurse who was helping her out and she didn't need me, but she wanted an entourage - you know - the queen thing. They have absolutely no concern for how they waste other people's time and energy.. You did the right thing. As sharyn said you drew a boundary, and that is one of the keys to dealing with a narcissist/personality disorder as they have no boundaries. As sharyn says - hold your ground, keep the boundary firm. decide what you will and won't do and stick to it. It doesn't matter how it lokos to other people or what they say. Anyone who has dealt with your mum or someone like her understand. Others don't but that's OK.
Alison - h0ow are you doing? thinking about you.
sunny - take care
Margeaux -where are you?
everyone - love, hugs, and prayers - have a good night Joan
I told them they were responsible for her welfare and they said she is competent, so responsible for herself. I said her behaviour does not indicate that. They said the tests indicate that she is. Yesterday the geriatric doc said borderline. I said I was very close to being done with handling the crises. I told them a little about the family and that I had been handling crises for 70 years and needed no more. The psychiatrist heard me, thanked me for being candid and said I did not have to attend the meeting. I did not go into the main meeting, but went with the team to her bedroom after when they explained the details to her. They have convinced her to go back to her ALF, though she really doesn't want to.. They have gotten her to agree to have her meds bubble packed and given her by a care worker. They are trying to ensure that she takes the meds for paranoia - an anti-psychotic med. She is not happy that someone is handling her meds and I expect trouble there. She is happy that a neurogeriatric team will follow up and visit her periodically. She now says she wants to go to a certain other ALF and they have agreed, and will put her there at the next level of care up from where she is now, but not a secure unit. It will take some time before the processing is done and a place is available for her as there are wait lists. Her stories get more and more mixed up and her paranoia is very present. The psych remarked about her anger - I said all her life.
I went to her ALF to check on the money she withdrew, as she said she had put it in a certain place and there was only $50 there, so I expect accusations against the ALF for theft. She already says they are stealing money from her account. My sis said she took out $2000, mother thinks she took out $500 but she wasn't sure. Only the bank statement will tell. Her computer is working, but is old (1996) so I bought her a new one and will set it up tomorrow. Email is the main thing. She is having some trouble with making phone calls from the sound of it, and of course thinks the ALF is blocking her calls.
I have very little confidence that she will stay quiet till the move is ready. It will take a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in, I believe, and lots can happen in that time. She could refuse to take those meds, fight with the care giver who is giving it to her and so on, and have another crisis thinking they are going to do this or that to her. I told the doctors to tell her she is not, at present, qualified for a nursing home so the ALF cannot send her to one. That did not help much, so I told her I had papers from the lawyer (the directive) and that I would tell the ALF director that he cannot send her anywhere without my permission. She felt better about that. One other thing we need to accomplish is to find her a doctor though if she doesn't feel well she says she will go to the ER in the hospital she is in. She seems to trust them. She is so paranoid that she thinks the government is controlling most of the doctors so they are not safe for her as they will send her to a nursing home.
Her financial advisor emailed me and suggested that we set up her trusts and account jointly with me and with Right of Survivorship. That might be enough for now as I would have access to her accounts to keep an eye on them. On the other hand with EPA I can limit how much she withdraws which may be necessary.
I suspect she will continue to decline as regards her memory and her judgement at least, and her paranoia will increase. The psychiatrist said there was nothing they could do for the BPD - it was too ingrained and in any case there wasn't much known to be successful.
I am glad we are past this day even if the outcome is not what I think is best. I have yet to deal with her knowing I have enacted the EPA. Not quite sure how to proceed with that or if I should stall if for now and try to get the joint accounts set up. That may be the better thing to do right away. I will talk to the bank gal about it and inform the lawyer that mother has been deemed competent. Tomorrow I will set up her new computer, visit mother in the hospital, and meet a girlfriend for supper. G will be in town on business tomorrow and Friday which will take up most of his time but we should be able to get together in the evening. I postponed my trip home till Friday and 2nd son will pick me up at the airport in the evening. The
n breathe deep, wash clothes and get ready to go to Montreal on Monday!!! I am pleased that I can handle it.
Ever since my mother was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, she has stopped talking to her husband and his helper. When asked why, she says that she has nothing more to say to them. However, she will talk to the nursing home staff and some with me. She's been spending more and more time asleep or just keeping her eyes closed.
Her kidney stone did not pass. Therefore, they are doing surgery on it this coming Monday am, very, very early.
My take on the above is that my mother's dementia is getting worse for she does not even remember being in the hospital which she was in for a little over a week.
Hugs, prayers and love for all.
Hang in there and GOD bless!