The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I am now going to become the dysfunctional one. I cannot beleive this. Mom hurt her knee last night and our best guess after xrays today (not what i had planned for day but) is a torn or snapped tendon or ligament...She is in so much pain and i am just beside myself as i may have been stepping on her toe when i transferred her causing her knee to twist n pop. We are in this hotel crowded, and not enuf room to function properly and now she is paying for it with her broken lil body! since Feb she broke hip n shoulder (at the state provided caregiver's hands AND her worker did absolutely nothing about it), resulting in her inability to walk again, wheelchair bound now, fell out in april and was sent home from ER as fine when she had compression fractures in spine, declined till i broke a rib transferring her and insisted on them Xraying back as that was my suspect and i was right undiagnosed previous compression fracture. now we popped her knee and she is in so much pain... I am going to lose it!! These state caregivers have no training but 4 hrs to learn how to fill out their paperwork to get paid and that is where all this started. What else can she take..she does not deserve the disrespect the system has for the elderly. i am livid and beside myself today...overwhelmed!! and just in tears for what we are going thru!!!

emjo

You are Sunshine and Joy....your words are always kind and enlightening,
peace of mind and love to you and all

Kazzaa~You are heading in the right direction for a diagnoses for your mother. I am assuming you are in the UK???, If so, your medical is different than here in the U.S. Here we go to a geriatric specialist or a neurologist because PCP's are not experienced enough regarding dementia and they tend to be very lax in diagnosing it. As posters before me has suggested, detaching from your family is wise. As long as you have POA for your mother and all the legal is taken care of, I wouldn't worry what you siblings have to say. It is easy to walk into a situation offer your opinion and tell you what you are doing wrong....but when siblings are not living what you are, doing what you are doing for your mother, their opinion has no merit in big picture. If you don't have POA, definitely see an elder law attorney before your mother is diagnosed as mentally incapacitated. Check into setting up a trust for her house (if she owns it and all her assets). Check into more than one NH or assisted living community with a memory care unit. There are always waiting lists, but if you can get your mom into assisted living, she should be first for when an apartment becomes available in memory care since she is already living there.Let us know how the results come out with the dr. appointment and how you are doing. Hugs!!

Tomorrow will my 8th day straight working (not 8 hour days). Last week I only had Thursday off. My co-worker had requested to have this coming Sat/Sun off but did not get it. However, the schedule says I requested this Sat/Sun off which I didn't. Now the schedule for next week is out and I have Mon/Tues off too. 4 days off in a row!!! I felt really bad for my co- worker and was going to give her my Sat. off because the manager wants her to work Sat. even though she made arrangements to switch with someone else. She doesn't have anything pressing she wanted to do on Sat. except she and her hubby wanted to go out on their boat. I tried to give her the day but she wouldn't take it.

What will I do with 4 days off in row, LOL!! I am hoping to go to Yosemite on Saturday because I have been wanting to go there to get some pics of Tunnel View at sunrise. Sis doesn't want to get up that early but she does want to spend the weekend there in bro's motor home. There does not seem to be a comprise and bro doesn't know our plans. Sis has not responded to my email of leaving early and staying for the one day. I can't help but feel that bro and sil need this time for themselves. Have a good night!!

amitwofemforuz is Jody

Had a really bad day with mom, she told me I didn't love her, then said its hard to get old. My heart is broken, why is it that the ones that are here for our parents get the wrong end of the deal? And the ones who are not here gets all the love. Im going to bed so I can end this day, everyone have peace in your hearts, sometimes its so hard to find Hugs to everyone

kazzaa - you are doing the right things - both detaching from your family, and getting your mum assessed. It does sound like she has some form of dementia starting. Do you have POA. Might be an idea to get all those documents in place while she is still bright enough. Several things you said hit home for me - stress from your family and your sis coming when your mum is going into respite. They just do not want to help but will believe all the stories and are patronizing, the doc misdiagnosing and the tests saying she is OK and then she set the kitchen on fire. I laughed out loud on that one - not because it is funny - it is very serious, but I have been going through the same thing. My mother who is 101 tried to fly across the country without an address to go to - just a vague idea, They wouldn't sell her a ticket then she refused to go back to her residence - so the police took her to hospital - and they have assessed her as competent. She has flaming paranoia - people are out to get her and one day she refused to eat the food in the hospital as she thought it was poisoned - but she is competent. She is misplacing money here and there - but she is competent. She confuses times and dates - but she is competent. And I am having a heck of a time finding out what the last assessment said. Mother herself today told me that the hospital told her when she was discharged that she was mentally deficient and paranoia. I feel that I have been getting the run around. Does not family who is POA need to be informed about this or do they just discharge a 101 year old women who is paranoid without any concern re family. And then when I called they basically put me off. I am a bit shocked. It is not that I have been bugging them.,
Finally today I got a hold of the bank lady and I now have access to mother's account. She had some good suggestions re dealing with too many and too big withdrawals. They cannot refuse people but e.g. they can remind them that they took out $1000 yesterday, or when asked for $1000 give then $200. She said it seems to work. They can also put a limit on the amounts spent using the bank card. I will see what mother`s spending patterns are, and we will go from there. As long as she takes the drug she is calmer for now and not as likely to do something foolish. I called mother`s Case Worker and hope she can fill me In re the latest assessment and follow up visits.
My new iPhone is charging - slowly. Hopefully it will be up and running by tomorrow. I will take mother out to lunch and help her on the new computer afterwards. I have decided on a new tactic with her, which is, firmly, to tell her the truth. She started in on the delusion about being sent away and I told her that was not true. I had to repeat it a few times and point out she had no evidence that they had a plan, I was very definite, and finally I think she believed me and she said "That's good". I told her to let it go. Now, by tomorrow, she may have forgotten, but I will keep reinforcing the truth. Going along with her, or saying nothing wasn't helping so I figured I might as well try the truth. She might have gotten mad that I was disagreeing with her -she certainly has done that in the past, but she didn't this time anyway.
Tomorrow evening I will relax over supper with a friend. I think I deserve it, and the next day back home. I am ready to stay put for a while. Hoping for some peace.

Thanks I am getting her tested but her doc seems to go by her memory tests cwhich mean nothing to me as shes a very clever woman! My friends mum had so many memory tests and scored highly then set the kitchen on fire?? The geriatrician is going to investigate the only sad thing is that we have had to go private as the nhs was too long a waiting list which is a disgrace but seems to be the way things are now. I dont understand how a diabetic with poss dementia is not seen as urgent?? her nhs apt was for july 2014? I think old people are not considered priority?

If you have only seen her primary care doc, it would be wise to take her to a neurologist. There is the possibility it may not be dementia and could be treatable. If it's depression has her doc prescribed antidepressants? If not, maybe he really isn't sure himself. To me, it does sound like dementia which can cause depression particularly in the early stages when they know something isn't right but cannot explain it either.

Thanks everyone great to be able to talk to people that understand its a very lonely place when youre dealing with this on your own!

I have had nothing but stress with my family for 4yrs now and finally things are moving my mum has been acting strange for awhile. Ive now had to go to a private geriatrician with my mum and he is sending her for a scan PHEW!! someone finally listening to me! (worth the money)!
My mum has had depression for years but since I moved home 4yrs ago ive noticed that things were not just depression related she was doing some very dangerous things like leaving front door open at night while here on her own? not washing,shopping,cooking,starting little jobs and then walks away and leaves them(what a mess) peeing on the floor in her bedroom even though the bathroom is close by? Im lucky to have bumped into a neighbour whose mum had alsheimers and having spoken with her alot she said this sounds very like how her mum was in the early stages!
My mums doc has been useless and said he couldnt discuss doc/patient with me?
anyway im finally getting there and just very stressed until a proper diagnosis is made. My mum is diabetic and has NEVER looked after herself or stuck to her diet never exercised etc... so this would not be a total shock that she may now have dementia. the signs are there but even her doc says depression? I have now decided to NOT talk to my family as it only causes me more stress and like you say wait for diagnosis then hopefully they will wake up.
My mum is going into respite next week and my sister is coming over then?? I have the most probelms with her as she beleives everything my mum says and is quite patronising in the phone so ive ignored her calls now for a few months. I do everything for mum and shes so unappreciative and selfcentred and constantly puts me down to my sis but am learning that this is the illness that they do become quite self obsessed and cant see how demanding they are.
Im not here by choice had to move back home as I lost my job then had an accident which left me with injuries but now am better and want to move on and move away from here. Obviously I want my mum to be safe and if it means a home then we have no other solution which is just heartbreaking but without 24/7 care she is not safe. The stress of all this has made me ill and my stomach feels like a huge ROCK. Looking after my mum would be so much easier if my family helped more but they just think of themselves and never consider my feelings. I just want the best for my mum so I can leave knowing shes safe.

Kazzaa~It can frustrating when family doesn't believe you. It is a common problem for family members to not accept situations. Since they think you exaggerate the situation, it may be to your benefit that they do live aboard. Negative support won't help you. Once you get an official diagnosis from the dr.,you can always mail a copy to each of with your siblings. Maybe having it on a drs, explanation of diagnoses form they will believe it. I suggest you find a support group that you can physically attend meetings as well as coming here to this site. Come back and share some more, you are always welcome.

A common family response is to think you are exaggerating, that will progress to out and out lying. At the time I came to care for my mom I wish I would have had a geriatric manager assess her needs. Another helpful thing would have been a formal diagnosis from my mom's doctor, which had not been done either. Both would have been very helpful.

Rather than continuing to make statements to your family about how you perceive mum's condition, get expert help in the form of an assessment and a doctor's diagnosis.

Hi my mum is showing signs of dementia she hasnt been diagnosed yet? my family are absolutley useless and no support they think its just depression and that I exagerate they all live abroad. k

cmag - thanks - yes, I think they are missing it. Sorry to hear about your mum. She has gone down a lot in the past few months. Boundaries are doing OK I think.

sharyn - I think they are sticking with the original care plan. What happens may depend to some extent on the re-evaluation by her case worker. I need to call her today. Supper with my friend last night was good, So happy to hear about the good news from your brother. His quality of life is improving!!! Prednisone is not easy on a person. He needed a break. Good to hear that you are liking Windows 8 more. I will need to spend some time on it eventually.

jody, you sound more hopeful about your life and future, and also about your mother doing more for herself. Hope the job works out - sounds like a very good thing for you.

((((((hugs))))) to all and have a good day.

I truly believe that God has put angels on here!!!!!
Ok, everyone thank you for the strength and the wisdom you all have, to me you are my power angels.
Allison, I try everyday for acceptance, I pray for acceptance, and at times I am at peace with myself. Because she is (one of those moms who like to watch you run your - - - for) it just takes away all my acceptance. Like today, she wanted me to put out her water so she could wash up, she was in the LR in her chair and I in my room, and she at the top of her lungs she says(any kind of help would be great)
meaning she wanted me to push her WC to the BR, She hates doing that and just stops in her tracks until I get up and do it, there goes my peace. And its so strange 've cleaned up poop for 35 years, and I cant stand to do it for my mom.But she refuses to clean or empty her potty. I can only hope that acceptance will come more often than not. Thank you for your kind wisdom.



Bookluvr., You are right, I do everything for her except wipe her - - -. When she doesn't really want to do something and I don't do it for her. She will wait for the end of the day and then demand I do what she needs, then she waits for my brother to come over and guess what ( She tells on me) I really don't care that she doe's that, but holy cow......hahaha Im trying different things to see what I can get away with, like not push her in her WC, Or get her more coffie, Or just get a glass of water. She has me thinking shes so weak, but she doe's get up at 800 and back in bed by 10;00, seems to be sleeping alot. I think she gets board and I don't always sit and talk, I try to do enough to feel like I just work 8 hrs so I can feel ok about not working. Im going to try some of the things you advised me to. Thank you Ill let you know how it goes.



Sharyn, you sound like you have so much wisdom. Just today I was looking for jobs, I think I've made my mind up to go to work at night, I applied at a company called nightingaleseniorcare out of OC. They called me for a interview. They want me to work for them when overnites are needed, its not anytime away from mom, but at least I will have my own money. Thank you for caring so much about me, it feels really good.


Margeaux, isn't it funny how we don't see our family members in ways others do.You have helped me see my mom in such a different way. I guess when growing up we all have this block about what are familys would be like and what their really like. Until you wrote me, I guess I looked at her like she was just mom, but as she gets older I don't even know who this woman in this frail body. She is all about her, I understand that, but I also understand there is two people in this house, and she really doesn't care about me, so I guess I will have to care about me. You gave some really good info, thank you so much.

And I cant wait to hear from all of you , I think you all have much to offer, and again your my angels from heaven, I hope that all of you get what you want and need at this most impossible journey we have to face in our lives.....Kudos to you all and hugs

Joan~Sorry things turned out the way they did, now back to the drawing board. You are right that another incident will happen since they are not accessing your mother properly. I hope the church lady has good boundaries so she does not get over stressed. I worried about that with "H" helping my mom since she is 92 years old. She assured me that she doesn't answer every single call my made to her, she is a very smart woman. All you can do is hang tight as things unfold. Glad you are getting some time in to visit with friends, that gives you some down time between the stress. I am getting the hang of windows 8 so I am liking it more.

We got good news today from our brother. His test results all improved...breathing tests for different situations. The dr. is weaning him off the prednisone again but they are introducing an anti organ rejection drug. This new drug will do the same thing prednisone does without side effects of diabetes and bone loss. He will, however, have to get blood work weekly to monitor his white blood cell count because the drug can lower the immune system. He is thrilled, we are thrilled!!! He called me from Yosemite Nat'L Park, he is enjoying his life, hiking and relaxing!! YAY...some good news for him and sil!

emjo, sounds like the hospital people are clueless about you mother's real condition. Prayers for you tomorrow as you interact with your mum before going home.

Two days ago was my mother's 82nd birthday. However, she was too weak to take it all in. She's still weak, sleeping a whole lot and not speaking much as she has done now since coming back from the hospital about 2 months ago.

Love, prayers and hugs for all. Keep your boundaries and take care of yourself as much as it is possible.

everyone here should watch Frontline documentary on nursing homes that was on PBS last night. It was eyeopening and sure gave me reason to feel good about what I do for my mom on a daily basis. The show is also available online for viewing.

Well, they discharged mother early this afternoon. I had a good chat with the Health and Wellness coordinator at her ALF this morning. She also thinks mother won't last long there without another incident and that the hospital team are not assessing her properly. Had lunch with the church lady who visits mother - very nice person but she is really suffering with fibromyalgia and says she is getting worse the past 6 months, so I cautioned her not to overdo it and not to let mother stress her. She says she will visit her once a week. The Health Care case worker was to visit mother this afternoon and, I think, do a re-valuation, so I stayed away and kept an early supper date with my friend of 45 year, came back to the hotel and called mother - no answer, so walked over there and knocked on her door and no answer again, so I will try again tomorrow. My cell phone died, so mother may not have answered as the hotel phone is a strange number to her, or she may have been tired or have her hearing aids out, so she wouldn't hear the phone or the me knocking at the door.
I wonder how long before the next incident - because there will be an other incident -that s guaranteed.

I have an appointment for myself tomorrow, and need to buy a smart phone -probably an iphone, and, of course visit mother. Hopefully by the time I leave she will be able to use her new computer for email at least. Wish me luck..

Just for today and at this moment all I can say regarding my personal situation is, "Really?" And politely think to myself- "wow, I'm glad I'm not you."

Okay, I've taken a breath. Now on to the next chore. One of these days I'll find time to shave my OWN armpits and legs. Might even be able to get a pedicure before summer is over.

Be well, and just breathe!

Jodi,

I completely agree with others here on the thread. If your mom is capable, which it sounds as if she is.....then maybe these are the things you might start to consider she does for herself.

I've written about a very difficult narcissistic aunt my sister was taking care of until 1.5 yrs. ago. She had many health issues. One was borderline diabetes,
but to watch her eat, one could see why. Of course she ended up in the hospital several times from infections on her feet. I remember her coming back home to mother's, where she lived. She was the type of narcissist who used every trick in the book, to manipulate my sister (who lives there). My sister had a terrible relationship w/this woman. So one day my sister called to say she was behaving as if it was very difficult for her to get to the bathroom on her own. On account of her bad behavior and the manipulation, we honestly didn't know what was true anymore. But my sister busted her. Sure, it wasn't easy for her to get out of bed , but my sister suspected my aunt was thinking it was time for the pampers. My sister just wasn't going there with her, she was so awful, and I can't say I would blame her, I wouldn't either. It was very obvious in our case, that my aunt was getting her jollies by watching everybody do things for her. So my sister had to raise the issue of she going into a nursing home, just to put a stop to some of the games my aunt was trying to employ. It worked, too!

Anyway, you have to decide whatever actions you consider would make it a more tolerable situation. I say this because you live with the woman. But this by no means should translate into she degrading you in the process, ether.

Please don't fall for the comments about, what is it I don't remember exactly but amounts to the fact that your brother and sister would do a better job, or she can't bother them; they work, etc. She's really pushing your buttons, and making you feel obligated. Heck....I would want to leave too.

Since you are bringing all of this up, it's apparent it is of major concern.
Try and step back, think about it....you do have it in you to change your situation, but it's going to take you to take that first step.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Emjo,

So sorry to hear about the fact that your mother seems to be paranoid.
How rude that this RMCP person was making her strong insinuations about you and the financial arrangements regarding your mom's situation too. Real good,
you put her in her place! Even people who work w/in this system cross the line.
You have every right to follow up asking questions about filing the report about your mother, too. I would think this is protocol.

This lady who saw to it that your mom ate, how wonderful is she!
I certainly hope that all of the appointments, and visits go well with your mom.

I realize this is a very difficult week for you also, given it's the anniversary of Gordie's passing. You are in my thoughts Emjo!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

Thank you so much for the advice you gave me regarding my husband.
You are right, this widower has no right to interfere where the organization is concerned.

I hope all is well with you and your father.

The recent advice you have been giving to Jody, is excellent and I think applies to other posters here. We do need to know when to back off, because if we don't who knows to what level some of the narcissists, or people w/issues will try to take it.
Take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jody~I am sorry you are going through all this with your mother. She has shown you she can do these things for herself. I would suggest you put your mother in a position of having to continue to do so. It is difficult I know. When my son was little, I had such a hard time getting him to go to the next level of independence such as tying his own shoe laces, he knew how, he just wouldn't do it. I just refused to do for him and he started doing it for himself. If you do that for your mother, you would be giving her a gift. With the free time you get, you can tend to your own life like getting a part time job, volunteer somewhere so you are out of the house part of the day. It sounds like you also need some independence and a job would give you that opportunity. I know you love your mother very much, but you need to start loving yourself. Big hugs to you dear!!

We may not be able to change the facts of the past -- but we can change our perspective on the past and how we feel about the past! So, we CAN change the essence or meaning of the past -- and how that past effects our present and future!

Jody, you are doing way too much for your mother that is not necessary. She is NOT bedridden, or any major medical health issues like cancer, or any other severe illnesses. You are Babying your mother. You are doing EVERYTHING for her. Why? I understand that you love her but.... I love my nieces and nephews. When they are infants, I encourage them to crawl. I show them how to move their hands and legs. When they're learning to walk, I encourage them to crawl to the edge of the sofa, and how to pull themselves up, and then to move along the side of the sofa. Each new step, I'm there encouraging them to Do It by Themselves.

You are doing way tooo much for your mother. It's very important to back up and let her find her way back to her own 2 feet. Fear of falling? Then she will remain permanently on that wheelchair. Father fears falling, so he absolutely refuses to leave the bed - not even to the wheelchair - here at home or at the hospital. The nurse had a difficult time trying to squeeze the big bed out of the door to wheel him to Radiology department. But just because he's bedridden, I do NOT spoil him. Sis spoils him. She got to the point that she would raise or lower the bed with the remote control. Father can do that, he has a working right hand. He expected me to do it for him. I got mad and told him to do it himself. He has a working hand......Father wants me to go behind the head board of his bed, lean down, and Pull him up. The hospital people and the govt caregivers do that. I Do Not. He weighs more than me. Plus mom's dead weight - all these years - have affected my back, my shoulders, my elbows, and my neck - from pulling her up daily - 2 times a day for years. Father wanted me to do that. I said NO. You have a working right hand (he can grab the trapeze bar overhead) and I showed him to put his right foot against the right railing, and use his left leg to help push himself Up the bed. Jody...do you see what I'm trying to show you with these examples? Sister spoils him. I do not. Know when to step in and help and when to back off and let her struggle and learn to do it herself. Not Trying - is Not an option.

Maybe you can start by deciding what YOU want. What you can do and what your mom can do. I think if you're mom can still stand and walk - that if she desires to do so - she will do it. As long as you keep pampering her, she will continue to treat you "as is." Gain some independence, and your mom will know that you can walk out any time if she treats you badly enough.

I believe ..this is what is called.. Detaching and lovingly Setting Boundaries. Hmmm... I just call it "Tough Love." Whatever you decide, just know that we will not be disappointed or hurt or angry if you decide to continue "as is." Okay? You Do What YOU Have to Do. {{HUGS}} to you.

Jody- I can empathize with what its like to be caring for an aging parent who is growing more and more sedentary before your eyes. This is happening with my father, whom I caregive to full-time in his home. He has been through a lot medically in the past year and a half. Two surgeries for major skin cancer tumors on his face, leaving him somewhat disfigured and unable to close up his lips properly, and a catheter... that we just learned on Monday is permanent. I'm of the very non-expert opinion that these older people just get in a funk when they are going through much of anything, medically. And looking at who my dad was, as a person, when he WASN'T going through anything... well, he never was a "Can Do" person, period. And now? Now he's a "I can't do a darn thing" person. He doesn't even get out of his bed except for bathroom and food... so he's perfectly able to move, and do anything his heart desires, he just doesn't. And I've tried every which way of asking/begging/bribing/cajoling him to be more active and he simply isn't interested.

I now fully accept that he is going to do as he pleases, whether its good for him or not, and thats just how it is. I don't try to change him in the least anymore. My acceptance of him is a big relief to me. I did/do worry about his inactivity. But I have tried everything I can think of to get him to be more active. He just refuses. So I stopped trying and found much greater peace as his caregiver. I don't know that my choice here is the "right one" for you, of course. But I thought I would offer my story and just let you know that I understand the frustration you're feeling.

I started my letter then lost it, so ya all get the point. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away. I was saying Sharyn, she has never been depress, She broke her T10 in Jan of last year, then she fell in Oct , and broke her arm, from that point she lives in fear of falling. She doesn't walk anymore just because she s afraid. She sits in her wheelchair of chair and does nothing. I think a body in motion stays in motion, she doesn't think that's true.She is making herself older before my eyes. Then my bro got her an electric chair, she hasn't been in it yet. I understand the aging process very well, I try to tell her'. mom a'lot is aging.She has been to the ER 5 times in the last year, they never find anything wrong.

nds of me whatever she needs. We had a major fight last week about me going away for 3 days. So the next morn she got herself up, got dress, made her own bk,. took herself to the br, did everything she has me do for her. I love my mom very much, and because of me starting so young in the medical field, I always said I would never put my parents in a home, but I could change my mind because of just the way she makes me feel. Like I can do nothing right. She Im sure is depress, and this is making me depress. I cant understand why she feels so different about me, when I am the one taking care of her. I dont ask for nothing, and when I do it all goes to hell. Am I a bad daughter if I want to leave. Will she hate me because one of my siblings will have to do it. I dont know what to do, Ive been here 2/1/2 years, with no time off or money. Am I selfish if I want to leave. We cant seem to get along, and then I want to leave, then shes says stuff like ( Its just you and me till the end, SOMETIMES I think my family tries to manipulate me .

(((((((book))))) you are a trooper and a very strong lady - not many can do what you are doing

sharyn - I am reading a Cloud book on Boundaries - I think it is the same one . I like it. I was going to bring it with me, but packed another book by mistake.

juju - you are amazing -I can't imagine all the work you have to do right now with the home renos - your mum is so lucky to have you

travelled today - Gordie's 11th anniversary - made some phone calls and appointments but couldn't go to the hospital. It is the same one he died in 11 years ago. The bank lady was supposed to call me today about the POA but didn't so I have to try to chase her down tomorrow, and also one of the doctors to find out how they think their care plan for mother is doing!!! I would say they are not quite on the mark. Supper with a friend and visit mother after, . Thursday an appointment for me re hearing, It is a family problem and mine needs some attention, and maybe meet the church lady. and visit mother again I am sure there will be errands to run for mother. and so it goes.

Take care all, and remember - do something good for you!

((((((((Alison))))))) accepting the enormity of it is hard. It has taken years for it to sink for me and there is probably still some that hasn't. Your comment that your mother says she greatly loves you struck home for me. My mother would say and do very hurtful things then say as long as we love one another it will all work out., as if that absolved her of any responsibility for what she laid on others. Quite early in life I decided if that was love I didn't want any of it. Of course, I knew it wasn't love by any reasonable standard. What your mother has done and is doing is not loving. Words are easy. She says she wants to help, but she doesn't help - she interferes and churns up chaos in your life. Someone once told me that they learned that they had to stop trusting untrustworthy people. That rang a bell for me in terms of my family, And saying you have mental illness - mother tried that on me too and when she had done something dreadful which upset me she would tell my sister that I was in a funny mood again. It hurt for a while, but then got old, You are right - they take absolutely no responsibility for their own actions.
You are getting it, you are learning and, I believe that you will continue to. Yes, it does get easier with practice. And, hey, Alison, if they don't like it -so what - as long as you like it, you maintain your dignity -you do what you feel is right for you, you keep your own self respect and so on. Positive changes will bring about good - maybe not exactly what you imagine, but it will be good. It is my sense that the hurt/betrayal from your mother is deeper.
Of course you are wary - there is a lot at stake here and you are wise to be cautious. We each walk our own journey and find out own way. My prayers are with you.