The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hello, I posted this on the wrong page, so glad to have found this thread!
I am the full time carer for my mother with dementia.
I have given up my work to care for her as no body else in the family was prepared to and infact were happy to put her in a home so they could visit when it suited them.
She is in her late fifties and very fit, loves to go out etc
My sisters detest me because iam her guardian and they have cut me off besides from sending me abussive emails/ texts.
Mum and I share a rental property which I have set up on my own with no help from family.
I have also set up all social activities ,memory clinic help etc for mum.
She is actually doing very well, due to the effort I have put in.
She is happy but does have dementia.
The problem is my sisters feel that they can come and go as they please to our house without checking if we already are doing something .
They come over and are abussive/ rude to me or otherwise come and speak to mum but ignore me and treat my home as their own.
I am not happy about them being in my/ our home anymore because of the abussive way they treat me .
I don't feel comfortable in a place that is my only sanctuary.
I am not trying to stop them from seeing mum- they can take her out or take her to stay with them at their house ( but they dont want to do that)
I just feel like a door mat.
And NO they never ask if they can help me or offer me a day off.
I dont even get a birthday card or Xmas card let alone a thank you for caring for our mother !
Am I wrong to not let them I to my home and ask them to take mum out instead?

I agree bout the wedding rings, definitely not safe for loss or theft!! Mom's were stolen from her hand at the rehab 8 ys ago! She would never have taken them off not her MO. Lucky I found her old original set she had cut off when she was heavy....I took the diamond from my former set and put it that (fixed of course) least she has the original gold!!

Sis called me because mom called her accusing her of taking her wedding ring set. I took it from mom today tellingbhervi would get it cleaned and bring it back.n. reality...I wont bring it back. It oz to risky that she have it there. My sis just cant separate things so she can detach from mom. She takes.everything. with mom so personal
..

What a great topic, even discovering it 3454 comments later!

I am the youngest child of 3. The middle one lives in a different country, so he automatically got out of caregiving duties (though he does call my mother almost every day and chat for a while, which is helpful to both her and myself). The eldest wanted to put her in a nursing home after her last stroke, despite the fact that her only problems are mobility challenges, a weaker short-term memory, and some mild cognition issues. So, in an effort to have my mother enjoy her life as much as possible, I became the caregiver. It is rather ironic: I was a horrible, holy terror as a teenager, and the eldest brother was always wonderful to her. But then he married a money-grubbing snob who runs him ragged and emasculates him and he takes it out on my mom, making her cry sometimes. So I guess our roles switched as adults. Talk about dysfunctional. Sometimes I wonder if other families have people as horrible as my brother in them. I know logically that some do, and even worse, but it amazes me to think that there are people out there in this world who can be so deliberately cruel and uncaring. It's no wonder this world is such a mess!

Cmag~My prayers are with you and your mother. Let us know as we care!!

sharynmarie, nothing new about mom's status. Her kidney surgery is tomorrow afternoon at 3:30.

Juju~I am glad I was able to make you laugh, you needed that right now with all you are going through. I told my hubby...Great, just cuz I got a LTC policy,, you are ready to put me away hey hey to the funny farm!!

Joan~I think the appt. with the geriatrician is excellent. A different perspective and dr. may be the answer!! Thank you for saying I am one of this crowd...I think what looked like burning flour was actually pieces of the paper bag. Anyway it was funny!! I am glad you are feeling better...it will all take time.

Margeaux~How are you and the family...been some time since you checked in so wondering how you are doing.

Cmag~Any updates on you and your mother. I hope there is some improvement.

Finally I have a day off!! Picked up some supplies for mom then picked up Midget so we could visit with mom. It was a very nice pleasant visit. I only stayed for an hour but will be going back tomorrow. There is definitely some kind of friction between my mom and sis because I don't have the outbursts with mom that sis does. A big part of it may be that mom realizes sis has the authority...I just don't know for sure. Plus when I go I have Midget who is a buffer but sis can come by here and take Midget with her too but so far she hasn't done that. Mom doesn't call me as often as she does my sis either. Anyway it is something my sis is going to have to work on when she visits mom. Mom mentioned several times to me about going home and I tell her we are working on it then I talk about something else. It is possible sis becomes defensive when mom talks about going home...feeling guilt,etc. Overall, I have had an enjoyable day and tomorrow and Tues. I plan to spend working in my "girlcave" and around the house. I am very tired but relaxed.

I talked with my daughter earlier and we are both excited about our visiting her next month in Idaho. My son in laws grandfather has been diagnosed with colon cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes so they are waiting to find out what kind of treatment if any may be available. The good news is, my daughter plans to stop birth control next month!!! Hopefully we will be expecting our first grandchild some time next year....time for some shopping trips, I can't wait!!!

Ya my sibs are worthless....I am grateful for the fact that mom is not the problem of the family...my heart feels and breaks for those who must care for the problem ones...that was my brother for so many years I endured his crazy behavior...had to have police remove him from my home so many times and kept taking him back and trying. The social worker's words to chose mom or them, I would still be dealing with him, or and surely someone would be in jail.

Yes I skimmed what you have been going thru Joan...I don't even know what to say. Except you are doing very well and continue to maintain level head and calm in the storm. I admire that!!! Kudos to you!!! I think geriatric specialist is great idea for her and you also When I did see my doc(NP) they were able to help advise on mom situation too as it directly affects me...I need to find ma a new GP that specializing in Eldercare but there is none in my area I will have to go hour minimum away so I haven t yet but really should. At least her GP is more attentive n thorough and I am becoming more involved and asking more questions and I will not see the NP anymore either.

I am stressing today as I sure wish I had some family to give me a break from the 24/7 (a break in our environment). I will have to see if this program (day camp they call it) I just got approved for Thursday can still take her with this injury....I have to take her for CT scan tomorrow and EEG for Nuero and they can do knee at same time to confirm but local doc sed had to be ACL snapping as the pop and her excruciating pain and she wont bear weight on it anymore.
I just may cancel EEG till she better as it will be hard getting her in n out of car/chair etc but we need CT scan so idk since we are in town just do it but lot on her in one day and it will be 90+ again I still no time to fix AC in car so idk... I am heartbroken, confidence is shaken for her pain/injury!!! I just got some Haagen Daaz and she is happy with that, I am too.... HD fixes everything, lol....

You are right ju - mother is bat shit crazy. Trouble is if I move on she is up the creek without a paddle... It is harder with my sis who comes across as very smooth, then smiles and sticks the knife in, and manipulates behind the scene to cause me trouble. I am waiting for it over this latest mother business. And as far as sibs being unhelpful - I asked her if she would consider calling mother twice a week for a while, as mother feels isolated without the use of her computer. Her answer was that she could probably manage once or twice a week, but she was going to Australia in September. She had no trouble getting to me while I was on holiday and telling me that mother wanted family support and asking what was I going to do about it. So jody and kazzaa, you are not alone with unhelpful sibs. They just refuse to do anything and you can't make them. I am satisfied if she doesn't cause me trouble.

Been thinking about the situation and found the name of a geriatrician in mother's city, There are very few and the two best have just retired Think I will make an appointment for myself at (75 I should qualify) and visit this lady, tell her the situation and try to get a sense if mother would be OK with her. Her office is not too long a cab ride from mother's place. Feeling better that I have one thing figured out.
Nap time now - still catching up.

I just saw this silly FB quote and love it..."Sometimes the first step to forgiveness Is accepting the other person is totally "bat shit crazy" " it made me chuckle as I identify with it. It was the only way for me to get past my dysfunctional family issues to the tee...and it was a social worker who told me I had to do that and move on!!!

Thanks book, and ya I think the only reason we are surviving all this is we are tough...my mom endured so much hell...made her unhappy but she survived...emotional and physical..we are fighters...we do suffer from depression but something has got to give....I was so depressed for many years and only cuz of this site and venting to others that get it and my BFF support did I pull myself out of it I could not even afford the A/D meds doctor prescribed it just happened....I don't know tho now I am pretty sad now that mom has been hurt again...I just don't know how much she can take and although I am not directly responsible as we were too crowded, which they fixed but too late, It was under my care she was injured....I am so sad but trying not to let it interfere..i just relaxed and loafed around watching tv with ma yesterday...about all I can do, I cant seem to read or concentrate for long periods but TV is ok and momma likes it on.
So glad you got your therapy started!!! I am requesting that next time I get into dr. I keep forgetting to make MY appt with all this going on...I must do that follow up as I did not pic up RX's due to money it was early june when that happened.
Well keep your chin up and yes keep visualizing your vacation!!! Moms bday is 28 sept and mine Oct 1 I am so tempted to book a trip too I think I want a cruise tho so I don't have to worry bout food and getting out to eat etc...it is all contained n paid for but I love the tropics, anywhere and Hawaii too!!! Really cant afford it tho really but then again if I don't get away away away will always be something to do and I want to have QT with ma...lil better here at hotel least don't have yard and home chores distracting me...just admin and cleaning and care of all 5 of us!!!
I wish today I did have some family, even if dysfunctional, maybe, lol..... Nope not if it was like what they were back then, nope still happier this way just fried!!!!

Have a good day all and thanks for allowing me to rant and vent on!! I am grateful to you all!!! I am going to hit the breakfast buffet...they have a pancake machine just press a button and minute later out comes a delicious pancake...I have told them if it goes missing, don't look at me...lol!!!
Hang in there!
Peace,
Juju

Ami – It’s a cycle…the fighting. I’ve been doing that with father. He’s just like your mom. He said that he can pay someone to watch him. I told him to go ahead. Once he finds someone, I can move out. Let’s see how he likes it that his leftover money would no longer allow him to buy Unessential Stuff. Right now, we split the bills…

I agree with Emjo. You Have Siblings.
1…. Plan your trip: visit your best friend, a favorite relative, a Supportive Relative who will field phone calls away from you, etc….

2…. Call up All your siblings and tell them of your trip. NOT where you’re going. There is such a thing as a cell phone.
- And Just in Case your siblings Do Not step up, why don’t you call around or check on this site for a caregiver company in your area. I’ve read of several posters who did this and found an organization to take care of their “loved one” while they had to have surgery, etc… Let Your Mom Pay For It. (So that she realizes how much it costs to “pay someone to come here.”

3….Just like what I mentioned to Kazzaa – you do the same. Type out notes with regards to your mom’s care. What she likes and don’t likes…with regards to meals, showering, etc… Put as much detail as possible so that they have No Reason To Call You.
Categorize it: Meals, Bedtime, Likes/Dislikes (no loud TV, wants your full attention, etc..)

4….. Find a job – whether it’s full time or part-time. If your mom can afford it, full-time. If money is tight, then part-time. Can you persuade your mother to attend adult daycare so that SHE doesn’t spend so much of HER money on a paid caregiver to the house? BUT weigh the cost of the Adult daycare vs. a home caregiver. Best option is if several relatives stepped up and took turns “babysitting” your mom. I paid my 19yr old niece to “baby-sit” my bedridden father (her grandpa) a week ago. Yesterday, I paid my 21 year old niece to baby-sit father yesterday and this morning. My 19 yr old niece used that money to take a discarded 3 wk old kitten to the vet yesterday. My 21 yr old niece needed the money to help pay her rent.

As for your siblings not caring - you sound just like me throughout the years about mom, father and me. I don't know what to say. There's a sadness within me that have finally acknowledged that my siblings don't love me. I had reached beyond exhaustion last December (blacking out, falling suddenly) and texted all my siblings that I needed help because my exhaustion might kill me or land me in the hospital. Nothing! That was another nail into my heart that forced me to accept that they don't love me. When mom passed away, that was the final nail. My eyes are now open to my siblings. They're all talk but their actions proved otherwise. And I’m seeking therapy because I don’t want to have this resentment towards them. I’m not happy with this negativity towards them.

Kazzaa- I hope you enjoy your respite. Plan ahead. Get everything you think sis will need with regards to your mother. And I mean Everything. Meds? Have a chart with when to give and how much. Your mom has her habits – tell sis this. Write down as much as possible. Why? Because you don’t want sis or your mother calling you on your cell phone. In regards to questions, they can contact your brother and He in turn will contact you. Tell bro that he will be the middleman. This way, sis or mom cannot put the guilt trip on you while you’re away. I have done this so many times when I traveled off-island. I make sure all supplies are bought, and even went to the Home Supplies company and did a credit card authorization in case my family needed any last minute stuff for bedridden mom. (I was having surgery off-island and will be gone for at least 2 weeks – ended up a month in Hawaii.)

Juju – I rarely comment on your posts. Every time I read it, it’s like one problem after another. I just don’t know how you handle it. Which is why you keep posting that you need a vacation. I saw the therapist yesterday. She read my journal about going to Hawaii. She was sooo excited for me. I mean, she was excited. So, she asked me to tell her about it. I told it to her in a monotone voice. No excitement..just stating a fact. SHE was the one who kept asking me more questions because she said what she read in my journal and my talking with her, that I am intelligent and a thinker. So she Knows that I thought of this trip. I finally opened up and told her about surfing the web and finding a free Polynesian show at one of the hotels. How I was surprise to know that there is a museum nearby. She got more excited and mentioned that I must see the Bishop Museum and the zoo. By the time we were done, I was showing excitement on this upcoming trip. Alas… THAT was one of my assignments. She wants me to visualize myself in Hawaii, having fun, and relaxing, etc….

Joan - most doctors will Not declare someone as incompetent. I mean look how difficult it is to just even get them to put it in writing that the elderly person should not be driving. Most doctors refuse to do that - according to the personal stories of those I've read on this site. I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I know what it is to do the run-around and get so angry when I landed back where I started (adult protective service.) Went thru that when mom was dying - by the APS agreed to help us have mom's doctor compromise - mom passed away. Then father with his refusal for medical help - I went thru the hoops of APS, Elder Lawyer, his insurance, then back to APS (recommended by his insurance.) In the end, Ladee told me to just leave him be. The pain will be an incentive for him to seek medical help. And she was right. We just had to wait when he was so critical he could no longer handle the pain. {{HUGS}} Book

nah, sharyn - you are not one of them, you are one of us! I have a pic in my head of you and burning flour - never heard of flour catching fire but I don't see why not. I have burnt a few pots and their content in my day, but not a bag of flour!
kazzaa -I hope you have some great plans for your time off - you have earned it. I agree with your bro - DISAPPEAR!!! Are you really going back to feed your cat every day? I hope your sis finds out big time what mum is like with you
ju - glad you had some nice mother daughter time in the midst of your chaos - deep breaths, one step at a time. Yes, you do need a break - hope it comes soon - blackberry milkshake sounds good
jody - sweetheart - nothing you say will change your sibs or mum. But you can decide to take a break and tell her you are taking a break - you have to decide if you are going to take a break - she won't give you one. Say tell her you are taking a week off starting whenever, and that someone can find a replacement that your mum can pay for and when you come back you expect to be paid the same if she wants you to continue doing this. Otherwise you will go out, and get a job as you need to plan for your future. Understand I am just making suggestions here, but do realise that unless you change your situation will not change. Anyway if you just want to vent, know we are here for that too.
BIG VENT - I am so p*ssed off!!! Looks like the "care plan" is at least partly malarkey. They are not moving mother anywhere. She is still as paranoid as ever and was in quite a state this morning, so her drugs are not as effective as they need be and need adjusting. I think the care givers are giving her her meds -so that part is intact, and I have no idea who, if anyone will do follow up visits. It was supposed to be a neurogeriatric team, but I am beginning to doubt it. Mother's case worker left me a message saying, nicely, if we want to move mother we can - but it is nothing to do with her. She called here when I was in Edmonton. I wish I had gotten the message before I met with the team. I really like her and she and I and her contact at the ALF all agree about what mother's condition, but the doc are the ones who run the show. Mother needs someone to follow up with her meds. I can try to find a geriatrician who can deal with her or refer her regarding the BPD and paranoia. I will not discourage her from returning to the hospital, though I do wonder if they will be useful to her considering what I now know. I feel like we are back to square one - maybe square one and 1/3 -a little progress. Aaaargh!!! I still don't believe that moving her is the answer as she is getting the same care she would get at any other place and her paranoia will kick in and cause trouble anywhere she is. It has been for the past 6 years and the three places she has lived in that time.This location is good as she can scoot around the malls. If she has adequate meds I think her life will be manageable. There is a very large downtown complex of several malls all connected by pedways which are also connected to her ALF -so even in the winter she can get out and about in the malls on her scooter and that is worth something in this climate. I have asked the Case Worker to give me a call this coming week. I think she will fill me in honestly. I believe I need to document mother's paranoid stories, and anxieties so I can pass them on to any doctors. Mother called my cell here many times today - instead of 90 emails in 10 days it will be multiple phone calls. I got one of them not long after I got home and told her to call the land line. This is a repeat of what I told her this morning before I left. This evening she called again - thankfully on the land line - and left a message (I was on another call) that she would call me once a day to let me know that she was alright - and she also told me that they had fixed her scooter. OK. Trouble is her memory is so short I may get that call many times. Oh well! As long as she is not abusive. I can work with this. If the abuse starts - I am out of there, and she is on her own! 75 years of it is too much.
I went for a short brisk walk this evening. . I was trying to out-walk the bugs. Freaking mosquitoes are vicious this year, but I took some pics. Amazing how many different wild flowers I found in even a short walk. I hope to get more that 3 hrs sleep tonight

Love and hugs to everyone – one day at a time and do something good for you.

Any way I was saying thank you everyone for hearing me. Hope everyone has had a good day love jody

Again I just got in a big fight with my mom. (sad and crying) . My brothers friend bought a electric W/C for mom, now shes bumping into walls couches, dining room table, etc..... So my brother comes today for about 1 hr and he put some wood blocks under the table, so mom drives right to it. She starts to leave and takes the whole table with everything on it....So I had to stop doing what I was doing, mind you, I have the worst sinus problem right now, and mop the whole floor. I'm complaining because my sibling have no clue, I was telling my mom Im so burnt out I just cant do this without a break, she said go ahead and leave, Ill pay someone to come here. I said mom, why would you pay someone and not me.........Anyway it is always the same thing here ......No days of, and no pay. WHAT can I do or say to my siblings......I cry day and night, I love my mom , but I cant stand the way my family treats me, they really dont care about my mom, or they would help. My heart is so broken and my soul is so lost. I feel like Im going to have a break down. And I dont mean to complain, its just I only have you guys to turn to. Mom does not express what she feels neither does my siblings. And the second I show my to them that means Im bad. I guess writing this down has help clam me. T

Thanks Sharyn I needed that laff and thanks for the well wishes and Joan too..

well the now are apologetic and have removed bedframe so we have enough space but the damage is done....I am trying to remain calm but am so sad, and livid....I don't understand why we could not have done that when I originally requested 10 days ago... I am so tired of mom body being broken by errors. I want to do something bout all this hold people accountable especially that damn hospital and the CGvr who started all this.... but I also want to just be with my mom now we are doing good...she may not have much time...especially if she keeps getting hurt...I Just don't know how much more pain her lil body can endure this one is the most painful even more than I remember hip being!!
So the honeymoon is over...i am stressed again but not in a coma or depressed just overwhelmed so i guess that is better...i do wish for some family now to help with this homeless situation
Sharyn soon as she can i will have to get her to the daycamp i just got approved but don't know if they will take her with this injury it is bad.... I need a break omg i need a break...it has been at least 4-5 ys since i had more than 3 hrs off..less hospital stays, that's no break....i cant remember last time i had time for some makeup!!!
I got her a fresh blackberry milkshake and she is resting we are having a mother daughter day watch some TV and hold hands!!
Have a good day Y'all and hang in there

Only 4 more days for respite!! I wont know myself!! My sis is flitting in from Paris and ive a strategic plan in place to only be available in an emergency(as she wouldnt cope and panic)
I have keys to my friends who dont live far away so will only be coming in to feed my cat(poor baby will be out of sorts when im not here all the time!!sniff!)
I am leaving EVERYTHING up to my sis as im just fed up with her patronising and thinking that im stressing mum out with my bad moods!!!!!!!!! Oh poor sis youve so much stress for your hols! my bro who lives away has told me to DISSAPEAR and let her see for once and for all the amount of care mam needs!! Well heres hoping although my mum is always on her best behaviour and tells my sis to go out with her friends that shes fine on her own???????? INFURIATING! all I get is youre never here,you care about your cat more than me and when im going out to see a friend she pours on the guilt trip why are you going out why cant you stay in FOR ONCE?????????
Well you cant behave one way for a week so im hoping my sis will notice how bad things are and go back to paris the emotional wreck that ive become!!

Last night I made home made mac and cheese, well....I put on a pot of water to boil, went in the bedroom for a minute came out and the bag of flour next to the stove caught on fire!!! I grabbed the bag to throw it in the sink, and the bag fell apart and I had burning flour on the floor, LOL!!! Any way no damage but.....hubby said he going to get me a room next to my mom...ouch!!!

Joan~I laughed when I read your post "Remember your sis has some of your mom's genes"....it made me think what part of my mom's difficult genes are in me!! Maybe sis thinks the same about me, LOL!!

Well I insisted the hotel come and do something...we are in an ADA room and they would not let me take out the bedframe so the bed was low enough to get ma in, the excuse was ada and safety regulations so we brought in a rollaway which crowded the room up and that is I believe why we had the accident yesterday. So I am pursuing the bedframe removal today and get rid of rollaway. they are still balking saying liability but I responded well we already have a liability, as she has popped the ligament in her knee, in current condition. the safest n best option is to remove bed frame so we can maneuver her wheelchair proper positioning for transfers, they are sending someone down to "see what they can do" I need to go with my gut as I knew the rollaway would be a problem but trying to just make things easy n work but now mom(n I) are suffering!!! I feel so bad she is in so much pain, well long as she doesn't move not to bad but I need to change and reposition her often so she doesn't get sores yada yada yada you all know Im sure, bedsores are my biggest battle before and now with her wimpering in sheer pain evertime I adjust her I am beside myself....
I guess I will have to take her to the daycamp program but I fear I have never left her except at rehab and that was a nightmare!!!
I am just praying for the strength to stay positive, I am heart and spirit broken that she has endured so much pain!!!

Alison - well done!!! You are detaching. It is an awesome tool. Acceptance and forgiveness are great too. I think the one has to precede the other. Eventually you get to compassion, if you are not there already. However you do it, you need to protect yourself from the chaos and hurt. I do better with emotional rides than carnival ones, (the merry go round and the tilt a whirl are my limit), but I don't like them. Yeah, gets kind of old from the same family members and it is hard - very hard - sometimes too hard, but we can grow. Wonderful that you connected with your sil. I don't know what I would have done over the years without girlfriend support. Sil sounds like a smart cookie, and has developed some good strategies. You are probably right that your bro doesn't get it. G's ex is incredibly controlling. I am sure she has a PD and their oldest son just doesn't get it. Oldest son's wife gets it very well. I like that you accept that your mum is nuts. She is and so is mine. Flippant and loving is good. One has to find some humour and "lightness" in it all. Mother tends to give the once over and comment on anything not to her liking - and she will walk into your bedroom, the bathroom when you are using it (if not locked) etc. with no hesitation. Closed doors mean nothing to her. As a child/teen I barricaded myself into my bedroom more than once - largely out of fear when she was on a major rampage.

I am proud of you too Alison. Look how far you have come!!!! I am proud of all of us for even being here and working on these problems. I agree that, long term, geographical distance is a necessary part of the equation. We have plans to move closer to this city at some point, but it will be out of the city limits and to the west, at least an hour away. I cannot be too accessible. Worn out - oh yeah! and woke up much too early.

sharyn - that kind behaviour of mother's combined with the airport thing is the reason I think she belongs in a closed unit - or is more supervised at least. We are dealing with the risky behaviour of a BPD exacerbated by aging issues. The meds may be enough if she keeps taking them. Time will tell. I am not going to worry about it. You can only do so much to protect someone from themselves, especially without the backing of the professionals. Re your sis, I understand your desire to make some good memories with her. For years, I tried to have a healthy workable relationship with my sister, but it didn't work and I have come to accept that if we get through anything with out trouble, like now, so far, it is a bonus. I have changed my expectations to match up with reality. I anticipate that, sometime through this mother stuff, my sis will cause trouble - probably over money. Whatever! Remember that your sis has some of your mum's genes.

Had to laugh at mother's comments about the food at her ALF. She said it is dreadful what they feed older people. They serve lovely cakes in the afternoon and sometimes she goes down and takes one. It is just not right what they do to seniors!!!

Realized I can't get over to mother's this morning as the airport shuttle picks me up too early. Just as well. I think I will have a soak in the hot tub and ease my weary bones and mind. G and I are missing one another, and these trips are not over yet. As well as more coaching on the computer, my final goal is to get mother to a new doctor and get her files transferred to him. Then I am taking a break, though I will keep an eye on her finances.

Everyone - check in and let us know how you are doing.

Tub time for me! ((((((hugs)))) to all - Joan

Sorry ABB, I meant more tolerable, LOL!! You know its been a long week...Hugs!!

Joan~I totally understand your concern about your mother trusting a favorite taxi driver or other people she has contact with. This is exactly what my mom was doing last year regarding her checking account. We were very blessed that the people mom was trusting were very caring people who were trustworthy but I still made contact with these two ladies, met them in person and we kept in touch with each other. A taxi driver is questionable just as the one lady my mom befriended who is a volunteer for a elderly organization. It is so scary to think parents would rather trust a stranger than a family member but their paranoia is so strong.

ABB~Glad things are working out for you in dealing with your mother. You are very correct that it won't make all the troubles with her go away but you have tools to deal with her that will make the stress less intolerable.

Well, it turns out that I am going to work tomorrow. I was willing to work Sunday too but we have a policy against working an employee 7 days in one week. We have a co-worker who has gone out on leave for at least one week which is what has made the schedule changes necessary.

My sister backed out on going to Yosemite which I though she would since she always backs out when she can't control the situation her way. I don't mean to be negative about her, however, whenever sis and I have gone on any type of trip together, it has to be where she wants to go and what she wants to do. In the past, I always went along with her, but life is too short and there are things I want to do as well and since I would have been doing the driving and paying the entrance fee to Yosemite (I don't think she realizes how much it costs just for the day in Yosemite), I think I should be able to have 1 hour to do something I want since the rest of day would have been at her call. Also, I don't think she realizes that I would have to text my brother to let him know we were coming, but there is no guarantee he would receive the text because of interference with the mountains....our chances of running into to bro and sil within such a large park would have been by luck only. When he called me the other day, he went outside the park to get reception on his phone. I really wish my sis were more flexible because we could make some good memories together if she let go of her need to control the situation. I still have 3 days off and will be busy getting supplies for mom, visiting her and working here at home. Yay!!!

Juju~I know you are going through a stressful time. Living in a hotel with your mom's needs must be very difficult plus dealing with contractors too. Please don't blame yourself for your mom's injuries and if necessary look into adult day care for her while you are in the hotel, as it would give you the time so can get other things done without taking your mother in and out all the time. Just a suggestion for you.

Hugs to everyone, I hope the weekend brings a time to rest your minds and bodies!!

Hello, my dearies. Yes, Joan, its one heck of a carnival ride we're on. Except I always did like carnival rides but I don't care for the emotional kind of ride... Especially when its caused by the same old family members who've been causing it my whole life.

I'm reading over all of your words and different situations on here and I deeply feel for all of you... all of US, lol. Caregiving to the elderly is darn hard, and you add bad familial relationships into the mix... well, its a good day when we don't just stick our head in the oven with the gas on, har har. Its hard. Real hard.

I think I made some progress in learning to handle my relationship with my mother. Her intrusiveness into my life in recent months just caused massive chaos and hurt and anger inside of me like nothing else. I am working on some acceptance and a bit of forgiveness with her.

There are a couple of things that have helped me in dealing with my mom: my younger brother's input as to very tactical ways of dealing with her... and most recently a long chat with my sil about my mother. I had no idea that my sil struggled with my mother for, in her words, the first 10 years she was married to my brother. (They're married total of 17 years at this time.) But I was able to get much sympathy and understanding from my sil who traded horror stories with me about things my mom has done - and still does - that are intrusive and hurtful. For example, sil tells me that if she knows my mom is coming over to their house, she hides certain things to keep my overly nosy mother from poking around in their business. And my sil hides the trash to keep my mom from saying things like "You're throwing that away? Here let me take it." ...and then taking it to her filled-to-bursting hoarder home. And sil told me stories about how my mom has pried into their finances to the point that sil has had to tell her to butt out as well. There were other things sil and I talked about in regard to my mom, but it all added up to a feeling of being understood and supported... which is what I was missing from my brother. I had asked older bro to assist me in getting my mom to back off, older bro wasn't obliging, and now I see that he isn't just that way with me, but with his own wife. Older bros approach is to largely tolerate mom's intrusiveness... but I think that woman-to-woman relations are different than mom-to-son. I don't think older bro really sees whats going on or understands how negatively impacting mom can be.

This is all turning into small potatoes at this moment. I feel that I have tools to handle my mom. It will never be a good situation, because my mom is nuts. I say this flippantly and lovingly. I don't know what her particular PD is, but she certainly has one. She doesn't see ANYONE as "off limits" to her nosiness, really. And theres just not much she WON'T say, no matter how off base, if she's got some idea in her head. I cringe when I hear her asking nosy questions, or making nosy assessments of complete strangers she has just met. And I noticed during this trip that if I walked away from my mother, as I did several times because I simply don't particularly enjoy having her in my physical space very much... BECAUSE she is so overbearing... if I walk away, my mother would follow me each and every time, get up very close to me again, look me over and examine me, physically assessing and commenting on every little thing about me... and I would just try to gently and patiently keep getting away from her immediate presence... but she would follow... BUT, I dealt with her like a champ. I'm very proud of myself for being able to stay out of the pattern of having her push my buttons and make me react. This is very promising. I feel great relief. But I also think that long term I will be serving myself best by leaving the area again... or at least remaining outside of my immediate family's city of residence.

I'm pretty worn out today, as I sense some of you on here are, too. I pray we all find the strength to keep keeping on with our lives, meeting each day's new and unique challenges, and we can somehow keep our hearts light through all of it.

It's very difficult. Love you guys. Hope everyone gets a good night's rest.

Oh juju and kazzaa ((((((((hugs)))))))) I missed your posts when I was posting - you both are going through a horrible time

Juju your poor mum is so fragile. Don’t blame yourself – please!!!! All you are doing for her… take it one day at a time… All this is so stressful for both of you. I have no idea how you manage in a hotel. You are doing a great job and don’t think otherwise. I do hope you try the respite –I know you will make sure they know her bones are brittle. You did make a smart move getting away from family/
Kazzaa – I am so sorry - my mother is getting careless/forgetful with money too and cash is mysteriously vanishing. I am not quite sure how to deal with it yet, but I do have access to her bank accounts now so I can see what is going on and go from there. Be sure you take a break when your mum is in respite and definitely let you sis carry some of the load and find out what it is like. Find yourself again =
My heart goes out to both of you – hugs and many prayers

sj - thank you - your words really gave me a needed lift.
time to vent here - It has been a difficult few days. Listening to mother's "nonsense" had never been easy, but it is so far out at times now. She has a scooter which stopped working and is accusing the staff of sabotaging it in order to isolate her Then she wants the maintenance man to fix it immediately. It makes no sense - if they wrecked it, why would they fix it? I find this stuff tiring and ended up saying that I did not believe that they did wreck it, so we would just have to agree to disagree. If she had dementia it would be different - but she has had this kind of thinking all her life - it is just worse now. Thankfully, she let it go. I would say the antipsychotic drug she is on is helping her mood. We were in a lovely restaurant where I bought her lunch. So many times, what could have been pleasant experiences have turned into semi nightmares because she has ranted about something nonstop through the whole thing. I managed to bring her up to date on her great grandchildren, and we made inroads into the delusion of sending her south. She has forgotten that the doc said they were arranging to move her to another ALF - one she likes - so I told her and she says she can now relax as she knows she is not being sent south. Of course, she will create more stress for herself and others with different paranoid delusions, but that was a big one and caused her the most stress. Overall it was tolerable. We went back and I did the computer instructor thing and she started to catch on to her new email, but her memory is so bad I wonder what, if anything, she will remember tomorrow. Got back to the hotel, and was relaxing and the phone rang -
Mother - I think I am going to call the police -what do you think of that?"
Me "Why"
Mother "About that money they stole"
Me "I don't think it is a good idea, we have to check at the bank first".
Mother - "They broke my scooter, so I can't go to the bank"
(You can see how it all fits in to her delusion)
Me "I will go"
Of course she will expect me to go right now -not realising that banks are closed at 5 and for the weekend. Next time, I think I will be neutral and if she phones the cops, they can deal with her. She won't be the first paranoid senior they have dealt with, I am sure.

One scary thing she said was that she had asked her favourite taxi driver if she could come and live with him and his wife. Thankfully he said no, but she emphasized that, if he had said yes, she would have. We have read of tales here of seniors who have put their trust in people who were out for their own gain, and that could have happened to mother. Not that the arrangement would last long, because of her temperament, but money could flow in the meanwhile. It shows her judgement is not good.

My friend had to back out of supper and I was glad as I needed space. Had a glass of red wine with supper - can't remember when I had wine last - didn't finish it, but what I had did relax me. The evening is peaceful so far. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

Thinking of you all - what a trip we are on - merry go round, roller coaster, loop the loop, tilt a whirl, slides, cliff hanger... I think we could develop some analogues here! I can see I'm getting silly - not the wine, just fatigue.

sharyn - glad you are getting some time off. You are considerate of your bro and sil. I would think they need some time for themselves -they have been on some circus rides too.

Have a good weekend everyone - and do something good for you!!! (((((hugs)))))

Kazzaaa i feel ya there i literally moved a state away and restraining orders were pu tin place to stop my ill brother from destroying our life!!! but after nine years i am ready to crack now again...i just got approved for a great respite program but dont know how i can turn her over to strangers after all the mistakes hospital has made and others... but apparently i am not doing much better as i snapped her ribs n knee but if she never fell i wouldnt be suffering to drag her around idk anymore i cant stand to see her in this much pain!!! Idk what to do, i almost am afraid to touch her now!!

but anyway jsut stay away from family that is determined on making you miserable!!! all i can say was the smartest move i could have made and would not change that part even if it means i am in this alone!!!!

So sorry juju although my mum hasn't reached that stage im just so tired from the last 48hrs just sitting here crying as this is just too much to handle my mum lost it on wed with a bus driver they almost called the police. then my mums card was stolen and they spent all her pension.
Of course I was blamed as I didn't go into town with her so now ive realised that she cannot be alone ever again. I think im numb its like this is happening to another person that ill wake up and it will all be a bad dream? If this is the start of dementia and this is going to get worse then God help me and give me the strength to do this as right now im so tired and mentally drained.

Shes going into respite next week and it feels like a year away just to have a week where I don't have to worry about her knowing shes safe and others can see that shes not right?

really feel for you I don't know who I am anymore and cant remember the last time I laughed?

This illness is cruel just cruel on top of this my sis is coming to RUIN my peace so I have to avoid her for at least ten days and let her look after mum 24/7 so she can WAKE UP and see that mum is not normal.

What a life? I look at my friends whose parents are old but safe and competent it just dosnt seem fair why us?

Yep life can be a pile of kak sometimes.

Hope you've calmed down feel so sorry for you! Big Hug!

and her bones are so brittle from extended use of fosomax and prednisone that we did not know would do this to her till Feb as well as natural aging process but she is literally toothpicks....and the hip fracture ughhh they sent us home as just a shoulder fracture, got her in n out of car and bed then later that eve they called us back saying hip was broken and covered up that it had displaced during her trip home....and back i am furious and distraught this eve.....i work hard to take good care of her never leave her 24/7 changing diapers and feeding and these people are so careless. I am exhausted!!!!