The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My Parents were drunks, Selfish and I have spent my life trying to please them my father died ten years ago. He sexual abused me I told my mother she said I was a liar. .I am still caring for my mother I feel bad she isn't feeling well. I work hard pay for everything while she saves her money. She is mean and very demanding! But at the same time she cries if I am busy and can't jump every second she wants me too. She tells me she never had a happy DAY I her life. I hope god forgives for saying such bad things.

Oh emjo - thank you- And you and my husband are right ( he will enjoy that). I knew in my heart that is what I should do - but I also know I have been primed and groomed to be just like my dad. The guilt is building up and I always do try to smooth things over. I just need to work on that...read read read! How do you get to where you are in this? I just still feel so lame for this to take me so long....

sharyn - you are right - my sis has trouble separating from mother too, and in recent years has had more fights with her, but yours at least helps, though it is hard on her. I am not holding my breath for change.

ju - sounds like you are well off apart from your sibs, but you do need a break so others need to be involved for that. Hope the day camp (was it) will work. I know you have a ton of work to do. Glad you relaxed with mum on the weekend. I don't now how you cope. I am not fond of doctors either - 'nuff said.

I have been thinking about something my friend of 45 years said over supper a few days ago when I was south. She basically said that I have gone the extra mile or twenty, and then some, and gotten kicked in the teeth for it again and again and maybe it was time to stop and let my sis do it. You have to understand this friend to get the impact this has on me. She rarely says a bad word about anyone, She finds good things in any situation, she has helped seniors for years, and, like me, is one herself now, and does not hand out advice easily - even to her own kids. It makes me think...

guts acting up again - immodium to the rescue - hope to get a good nite's sleep
love and hugs to all

(((((sad1)))))) it sounds so familiar -and, m'dear - all narcissists are masters at it -wanting to move, frantic phone calls from others - haven't seen her in 3 weeks - you are a saint! My mother who lives 5 hrs away is lucky to see me a few times a year. Now she had a major meltdown recently and increase in paranoia, losing money etc. more memory problems, so I have gone down a few times this summer to do what I can, but junk food is an emergency???? I don't think so. Glad you have no intention of moving her closer. Mine wants to move too, but is unhappy anywhere she is. Rule number one - do not respond to frantic phone calls from friends. Be proactive, not reactive - meaning decide what you want to/can do and what you don't want to/can't do and go with that otherwise she is jerking your strings. Considering you got into a big fight with her last time - and remember she enjoys that - I go with your husband. Let it go longer - quite a bit longer. My mother plays victim all the time and tells everyone who will listen that she has no family support. She fools some of the people some of the time, and some get involved and soon find out what she is really like. Detach - let her go through her act - that is her business, and has no reflection on you. Remember they use FOG - fear obligation and guilt - often guilt is a biggie. You have nothing to be guilty about, Give yourself a break. If you want to send a care package - fine. But don't go back too soon. You need to give her a firm message that her behaviour is unacceptable and you will not jump when she wants you to. Good luck, deep breaths, do what is good for you - (((((hugs)))))

Hi all - ok - I need some advise from some of you wise people of narcissistic mothers. Since I am still a newbie at my discovery and haven't finished my reading yet - I need some help. My mother is a master at her narcissism - and had a stroke, aphasic and in assisted living. Brother AOL as he is done with her. She basically did whatever possible to put my dad in an early grave - and I am still holding on to that. So - here is my dilemma - she is 3 hours away - has basically chased away all but one of her friends - who does visit her - but she is in a fairly nice facility - where they "get" her and take pretty good care of her - no abuse or anything - they are very loving. It is an older place - so she thinks it is filthy - and thinks the food is all "crap" (been eating in nice restaurants all her life) so - she calls this one friend and because I have not been down in 3 weeks - which is pretty standard - she is playing the victim role. My husband thinks I should let her stew a little longer (got in a big fight when last there - no appreciation of ANYTHING and was really rude to my son who did work at her house). I also usually get her a bag of junk food that she has written down for me - her list - and I think she is running out of that. So - my thoughts were to send her a care package of junk food and a little card. She also wants me to either move her to another facility where she is or up by me - no way...and no place is going to be good enough for her. She has fired everyone she possible can - so she doesn't help herself at all. I know - I am rambling - but I just got an frantic text message from her friend....I am really not sure how to handle her at this point - still going through so many emotions myself. Thank you in advance for all your help - I am so grateful I found this group of wonderful people!!!

! more....not to mention working on bid from contractor....So I am outta here for a while...I relaxed all weekend and now I gots to get this stuff done!!!
peace
Juju

Cut n paste update from another comment....I cant type this again.
OMG her GP managed to screw up the whole CT scan appt....we have a brace for knee, slightly more sturdy than the one I bought Saturday... n ibuprofen....as cat sed "eyes rolling"!!! and I must put her thru the misery of getting in n out of the car again tomorrow...I seriously have never seen her in so much pain my whole life....going over door jam in wheelchair she screams...I am more than livid now...these are the damn doc's again. How the hell do they get thru med school, I should have gone with my gut and taken her than waiting and following their direction.
I must go before I say something I regret.....thanks for the vent....
Love to you all for letting me be and blowing it out!!!
Hang in there!

as far as the siblings thing, It would be great if the elders were protected as custodial issues with children, pay or support and get visitations...in a nutshell...but I never have dealt with custody so not sure if that is how it works heard rumors. and then have a schedule of days court ordered, problem is I would not want my mom in sibs hands...even if I didn't have to deal with them...they are not fit to care for her...live outta vehicle with his hoard of bunnies and other just lives outta trailer/vehicle last I knew....
Gosh I just need some time for me where I am not completely fried and could have the energy to paint my toes or dye my hair or something...even go get it done somewhere but A/C in car and bills and home health homework I have not done is next on free time list!! it is 90+out there and she cant take that kind of heat!!

peace out,
Juju

Peace....

Joan~I have thought a lot about my sister and mom today regarding their relationship. It comes down to the fact that sis is not willing to change her approach with mom. She is still looking to impress and be accepted. If/when sis will give this up...is when their relationship will change.

cmag - very frustrating about your mum - seems like there should be a better way to do things. Low potassium un itself is not a good thing and could cause her muscle weakness. prayers

Cmag~I am so sorry the surgery was postponed once again. Your poor mother and how you are coping as you arrange to be there only to be put off again. Prayers for you you and mom!!

thanks, emjo, but they found my mother's potassium level was too low for the procedure to break up her kidney stone. The nursing home transport people were 20 minutes late today and then the day hospital folks took almost 2 hours before they found her potassium was too low. So right at the time the procedure was to begin, the whole thing was called off until her potassium is brought up. So, we are back to square one.

just lost a post aaaargh

ju - you are doing a good job - keep telling yourself that. Your mum is very fragile - her knee might have gone anytime. Stay with the tests that are really useful and not too hard on her, and enjoy your time with her. Ice cream rocks! My head works better when it is level, so I have learned to stay calm - some times.

sharyn - so glad you had a good visit with your mum and are looking forward to a visit with your daughter. Good idea about the wedding rings. Your sis is quite different from you - so not surprising things go differently with her. Hope you post pics of your girl cave on fb. A grandbaby may be in the horizon soon - how exciting!!!!

AKA - I think you are not the only caregiver that was a horrible teen - funny how that works. Hope you are surviving the caregiving pretty well and get a break once in a while. If you don't need it now, you will in future.

Lucy - I do agree with what sharyn has written - you do not have to take abuse. Set limits about when your sibs can or cannot visit and tell them to leave or walk away to somewhere else in your home if they start. I think I would send them an email stating your boundaries, and the consequences of they cross them. If you have a routine of activities with your mum, you can let them know that she is free for visits on for example Weekends, Tuesdays and Thursday in the afternoon from 1-4. If they come at any other time without your agreement they will find the door locked and you will not answer. Keep the emails so they cannot bring any complaint against you that you will not let them visit their mum. I know that is drastic, but sometimes it takes something drastic to get your point across. Book has lots of experience with abusive sibs and she makes some good points. The door mat needs to stand on its hind legs and growl. I found this on the internet - good points

Signs You Are Being Treated Like a Doormat
Lack of Boundaries
One of the first ways to tell if you are being treated like a doormat is noting when your friends, family or lovers do not recognize or respect your boundaries. Perhaps you have neglected to set any by refusing to say no to any request. The way to reset this unfortunate circumstance is to reclaim your "no." Learn that it is not only okay to say no to a request, but also necessary.
Lack of Reciprocity
Relationships exist successfully with the balance of give and take. If you find that you are always expected to give and you get very little, if anything, in return, this is a glaring example of being treated like a doormat. Relationships should never work as tit for tat, where you keep a vigilant eye on some emotional or physical scorecard. However if you are constantly drained by your relationships rather than renewed, it is time for a re-examination and renegotiation.
Lack of Respect
The lack of boundaries and the lack of reciprocity both stem from a lack of respect. This goes hand in hand with self-respect. Someone who has a healthy self-respect would never allow themselves to be treated like a doormat. The easiest way to stop being a doormat, therefore, is to learn how to respect yourself. Learn that you do have something to offer and you don't have to barter for your friendships out of your own precious esteem.

So, in my view, you are not wrong to not let them in your home, and to ask them to take your mum out, or to limit when they can come in to your home. I think you have to be your own advocate. You are right, there is no one to advocate for you. Re the nasty emails - tell your sibs "No more" and that anymore nasty emails and you will block/automatically delete their emails. I had to say that to my own mum - and she has been better since. She stressed me out last Christmas with a batch of them and I have had it.

cmag - hope your mum's procedure went well.

Margeaux, austin, jody, Alison and everyone - how are you?

I am having an extreme self care day. Had some gut rot yesterday - waiting for more phone calls, but yesterday and today - so far so good, so maybe I can relax. I am hoping that her meds kick in a bit more. I don't know exactly when mother went on them, but it is less than a month, for sure, and I really feel that meds are the best answer to keeping her life manageable. We do need a doctor to monitor her paranoia and adjust meds accordingly. I did some more research and it looks like the geriatricians (and there are precious few in this province) are in clinics and you need referrals to see them. So back to square 1 1/3 and looking for a good GP. I will know more when I talk to mother's case worker this week, hopefully. She may be able to refer us.

Hanging loose today! Love and hugs Joan

Lucy~What a shame to have to deal with their verbal abuse in your own home. You can set boundaries by deciding what you will and will not tolerate by showing them the door when they have crossed your boundaries. You don't even have to be nasty to them about it. If they ignore you, then I would go about my business elsewhere in the house and let them visit privately with your mother. Dear Lucy, you don't need others permission to stop verbal abuse. I told my mother years ago that if she could not say nice things about my husband's family while in my home that she could leave...and she did. I have also had to screen my calls due to mom's nasty messages...I wouldn't even listen to them, caller ID showed it was mom calling so I would just erase the message.Consider yourself an only child and plan your mothers care accordingly, check into elder programs where you can get respite care for yourself. You are going to need the rest time because dementia only continues to decline and the demands on you mentally, physically and spiritually can wear you down and affect your health. Don't wait until you are at the breaking point, the Area Agency on Aging has programs your mother may qualify for including respite for you.

Thank you for the comment,
First off there is no money involved here, hence me renting a house with mom or else she would live in a small studio/unit,
We are both on the lease so yes it is our house.
Mom doesn't particularly want them coming over or staying as she is aware how rude they are toward me, yet she is Christian and believes that all will be good f we love each other,
Well, let's just say nothing changes even with loads of love! and as I said I feel a doormat ( I have given numerous opportunities and chances again and again and can't take it anymore)
She says she wants me to tell them to take her out instead, but I've tried to explain that they don't want to hear anything from me and she must say it to them herself.
It's a hard situation as it does cause mom stress and I feel she'd rather just hide any obvious situations like them being abusive toward me under the rug, yet I continue to suffer because i have no body to advocate for me.
Asher carer too she feels safe around me and it makes her feel uncomfortable when they dont include me/ talk to me.
Just to set he scene too, it isn't a house with all her furniture and me in a bed room.
I have furnished most of the house as she came from a studio before.
I basically don't feel very comfortable to have two nasty people amongst my things...I'm not in their personal space after all.
Iam POA also although iam not fully active in the role currently as mothers wishes is to have as much control as possible for a along as possible so just really advocating and caring right now.
Iam so used to getting such nasty texts that I get a sinking stomach every to,e I hear my hen go off- it isn't a nice way to live.
And neither of them do ANYTHING to help mum at all.

Hi Lucy, may I ask you some questions first? Do you have POA and DPOA over your mom? The house is under BOTH of your names? Does the house title have Lucy or Mom? Or does the title have Lucy AND Mom? Does your mom have a Will? What I'm trying to figure out is the legal aspect of mom, you and the house.

Does your mom welcome your siblings Openly into Her (and yours) house? You see where I'm getting at? When your mom welcomes her visiting children, she opens her home (and Yours) to them. Depending on the house title, if mom's name is on it, then she has every right to have people come and visit. The only way you can protect Your privacy would be to set up the extra room as YOUR office/sanctuary.

They speak rudely and abusive to you....your mom, how does she feel about this? Is she willing to standby and watch you order your siblings out when they are disrespectful? As your progresses into her dementia, her demeanor will change. She will be Very Welcoming to your siblings, and you will become the bad guy. Again, it falls back to the name of the house title.

I'm a negative person. I see a cup as half empty. But I also see your point of view about taking mom out. I would say go for it but with their resentment of you being really so bad, I'd much rather have them under my watchful eyes as they deal with mom. Sorry, I'm such a suspicious person. Is there a way to seek a lawyer and have something drawn up that if mom decides to give up her portion of the title, that you get first dibs?

You see, my siblings and I have gone thru this scenario with my brothers. One is greedy and has his own land, and the other is "not all there in the head" and will be getting co-ownership of this house/land. We all know that greedy bro will work on the weakest link. Get his land by paying him money. Then he will make Executive Decision based on he's the older one over my baby brother (co owner of this house/land.) We have discussed this and know what is going to happen. And so, I read your situation, and it reminds me of our situation. FYI, greedy brother is already parking his old cars on this land. His family are already parking in our parking. I have to once in a while get mad at them for parking without leaving room for my car. he's already visioning this house/land as his. I hope I'm wrong with your siblings....

Hello, I posted this on the wrong page, so glad to have found this thread!
I am the full time carer for my mother with dementia.
I have given up my work to care for her as no body else in the family was prepared to and infact were happy to put her in a home so they could visit when it suited them.
She is in her late fifties and very fit, loves to go out etc
My sisters detest me because iam her guardian and they have cut me off besides from sending me abussive emails/ texts.
Mum and I share a rental property which I have set up on my own with no help from family.
I have also set up all social activities ,memory clinic help etc for mum.
She is actually doing very well, due to the effort I have put in.
She is happy but does have dementia.
The problem is my sisters feel that they can come and go as they please to our house without checking if we already are doing something .
They come over and are abussive/ rude to me or otherwise come and speak to mum but ignore me and treat my home as their own.
I am not happy about them being in my/ our home anymore because of the abussive way they treat me .
I don't feel comfortable in a place that is my only sanctuary.
I am not trying to stop them from seeing mum- they can take her out or take her to stay with them at their house ( but they dont want to do that)
I just feel like a door mat.
And NO they never ask if they can help me or offer me a day off.
I dont even get a birthday card or Xmas card let alone a thank you for caring for our mother !
Am I wrong to not let them I to my home and ask them to take mum out instead?

I agree bout the wedding rings, definitely not safe for loss or theft!! Mom's were stolen from her hand at the rehab 8 ys ago! She would never have taken them off not her MO. Lucky I found her old original set she had cut off when she was heavy....I took the diamond from my former set and put it that (fixed of course) least she has the original gold!!

Sis called me because mom called her accusing her of taking her wedding ring set. I took it from mom today tellingbhervi would get it cleaned and bring it back.n. reality...I wont bring it back. It oz to risky that she have it there. My sis just cant separate things so she can detach from mom. She takes.everything. with mom so personal
..

What a great topic, even discovering it 3454 comments later!

I am the youngest child of 3. The middle one lives in a different country, so he automatically got out of caregiving duties (though he does call my mother almost every day and chat for a while, which is helpful to both her and myself). The eldest wanted to put her in a nursing home after her last stroke, despite the fact that her only problems are mobility challenges, a weaker short-term memory, and some mild cognition issues. So, in an effort to have my mother enjoy her life as much as possible, I became the caregiver. It is rather ironic: I was a horrible, holy terror as a teenager, and the eldest brother was always wonderful to her. But then he married a money-grubbing snob who runs him ragged and emasculates him and he takes it out on my mom, making her cry sometimes. So I guess our roles switched as adults. Talk about dysfunctional. Sometimes I wonder if other families have people as horrible as my brother in them. I know logically that some do, and even worse, but it amazes me to think that there are people out there in this world who can be so deliberately cruel and uncaring. It's no wonder this world is such a mess!

Cmag~My prayers are with you and your mother. Let us know as we care!!

sharynmarie, nothing new about mom's status. Her kidney surgery is tomorrow afternoon at 3:30.

Juju~I am glad I was able to make you laugh, you needed that right now with all you are going through. I told my hubby...Great, just cuz I got a LTC policy,, you are ready to put me away hey hey to the funny farm!!

Joan~I think the appt. with the geriatrician is excellent. A different perspective and dr. may be the answer!! Thank you for saying I am one of this crowd...I think what looked like burning flour was actually pieces of the paper bag. Anyway it was funny!! I am glad you are feeling better...it will all take time.

Margeaux~How are you and the family...been some time since you checked in so wondering how you are doing.

Cmag~Any updates on you and your mother. I hope there is some improvement.

Finally I have a day off!! Picked up some supplies for mom then picked up Midget so we could visit with mom. It was a very nice pleasant visit. I only stayed for an hour but will be going back tomorrow. There is definitely some kind of friction between my mom and sis because I don't have the outbursts with mom that sis does. A big part of it may be that mom realizes sis has the authority...I just don't know for sure. Plus when I go I have Midget who is a buffer but sis can come by here and take Midget with her too but so far she hasn't done that. Mom doesn't call me as often as she does my sis either. Anyway it is something my sis is going to have to work on when she visits mom. Mom mentioned several times to me about going home and I tell her we are working on it then I talk about something else. It is possible sis becomes defensive when mom talks about going home...feeling guilt,etc. Overall, I have had an enjoyable day and tomorrow and Tues. I plan to spend working in my "girlcave" and around the house. I am very tired but relaxed.

I talked with my daughter earlier and we are both excited about our visiting her next month in Idaho. My son in laws grandfather has been diagnosed with colon cancer that has spread to the lymph nodes so they are waiting to find out what kind of treatment if any may be available. The good news is, my daughter plans to stop birth control next month!!! Hopefully we will be expecting our first grandchild some time next year....time for some shopping trips, I can't wait!!!

Ya my sibs are worthless....I am grateful for the fact that mom is not the problem of the family...my heart feels and breaks for those who must care for the problem ones...that was my brother for so many years I endured his crazy behavior...had to have police remove him from my home so many times and kept taking him back and trying. The social worker's words to chose mom or them, I would still be dealing with him, or and surely someone would be in jail.

Yes I skimmed what you have been going thru Joan...I don't even know what to say. Except you are doing very well and continue to maintain level head and calm in the storm. I admire that!!! Kudos to you!!! I think geriatric specialist is great idea for her and you also When I did see my doc(NP) they were able to help advise on mom situation too as it directly affects me...I need to find ma a new GP that specializing in Eldercare but there is none in my area I will have to go hour minimum away so I haven t yet but really should. At least her GP is more attentive n thorough and I am becoming more involved and asking more questions and I will not see the NP anymore either.

I am stressing today as I sure wish I had some family to give me a break from the 24/7 (a break in our environment). I will have to see if this program (day camp they call it) I just got approved for Thursday can still take her with this injury....I have to take her for CT scan tomorrow and EEG for Nuero and they can do knee at same time to confirm but local doc sed had to be ACL snapping as the pop and her excruciating pain and she wont bear weight on it anymore.
I just may cancel EEG till she better as it will be hard getting her in n out of car/chair etc but we need CT scan so idk since we are in town just do it but lot on her in one day and it will be 90+ again I still no time to fix AC in car so idk... I am heartbroken, confidence is shaken for her pain/injury!!! I just got some Haagen Daaz and she is happy with that, I am too.... HD fixes everything, lol....

You are right ju - mother is bat shit crazy. Trouble is if I move on she is up the creek without a paddle... It is harder with my sis who comes across as very smooth, then smiles and sticks the knife in, and manipulates behind the scene to cause me trouble. I am waiting for it over this latest mother business. And as far as sibs being unhelpful - I asked her if she would consider calling mother twice a week for a while, as mother feels isolated without the use of her computer. Her answer was that she could probably manage once or twice a week, but she was going to Australia in September. She had no trouble getting to me while I was on holiday and telling me that mother wanted family support and asking what was I going to do about it. So jody and kazzaa, you are not alone with unhelpful sibs. They just refuse to do anything and you can't make them. I am satisfied if she doesn't cause me trouble.

Been thinking about the situation and found the name of a geriatrician in mother's city, There are very few and the two best have just retired Think I will make an appointment for myself at (75 I should qualify) and visit this lady, tell her the situation and try to get a sense if mother would be OK with her. Her office is not too long a cab ride from mother's place. Feeling better that I have one thing figured out.
Nap time now - still catching up.

I just saw this silly FB quote and love it..."Sometimes the first step to forgiveness Is accepting the other person is totally "bat shit crazy" " it made me chuckle as I identify with it. It was the only way for me to get past my dysfunctional family issues to the tee...and it was a social worker who told me I had to do that and move on!!!

Thanks book, and ya I think the only reason we are surviving all this is we are tough...my mom endured so much hell...made her unhappy but she survived...emotional and physical..we are fighters...we do suffer from depression but something has got to give....I was so depressed for many years and only cuz of this site and venting to others that get it and my BFF support did I pull myself out of it I could not even afford the A/D meds doctor prescribed it just happened....I don't know tho now I am pretty sad now that mom has been hurt again...I just don't know how much she can take and although I am not directly responsible as we were too crowded, which they fixed but too late, It was under my care she was injured....I am so sad but trying not to let it interfere..i just relaxed and loafed around watching tv with ma yesterday...about all I can do, I cant seem to read or concentrate for long periods but TV is ok and momma likes it on.
So glad you got your therapy started!!! I am requesting that next time I get into dr. I keep forgetting to make MY appt with all this going on...I must do that follow up as I did not pic up RX's due to money it was early june when that happened.
Well keep your chin up and yes keep visualizing your vacation!!! Moms bday is 28 sept and mine Oct 1 I am so tempted to book a trip too I think I want a cruise tho so I don't have to worry bout food and getting out to eat etc...it is all contained n paid for but I love the tropics, anywhere and Hawaii too!!! Really cant afford it tho really but then again if I don't get away away away will always be something to do and I want to have QT with ma...lil better here at hotel least don't have yard and home chores distracting me...just admin and cleaning and care of all 5 of us!!!
I wish today I did have some family, even if dysfunctional, maybe, lol..... Nope not if it was like what they were back then, nope still happier this way just fried!!!!

Have a good day all and thanks for allowing me to rant and vent on!! I am grateful to you all!!! I am going to hit the breakfast buffet...they have a pancake machine just press a button and minute later out comes a delicious pancake...I have told them if it goes missing, don't look at me...lol!!!
Hang in there!
Peace,
Juju

Ami – It’s a cycle…the fighting. I’ve been doing that with father. He’s just like your mom. He said that he can pay someone to watch him. I told him to go ahead. Once he finds someone, I can move out. Let’s see how he likes it that his leftover money would no longer allow him to buy Unessential Stuff. Right now, we split the bills…

I agree with Emjo. You Have Siblings.
1…. Plan your trip: visit your best friend, a favorite relative, a Supportive Relative who will field phone calls away from you, etc….

2…. Call up All your siblings and tell them of your trip. NOT where you’re going. There is such a thing as a cell phone.
- And Just in Case your siblings Do Not step up, why don’t you call around or check on this site for a caregiver company in your area. I’ve read of several posters who did this and found an organization to take care of their “loved one” while they had to have surgery, etc… Let Your Mom Pay For It. (So that she realizes how much it costs to “pay someone to come here.”

3….Just like what I mentioned to Kazzaa – you do the same. Type out notes with regards to your mom’s care. What she likes and don’t likes…with regards to meals, showering, etc… Put as much detail as possible so that they have No Reason To Call You.
Categorize it: Meals, Bedtime, Likes/Dislikes (no loud TV, wants your full attention, etc..)

4….. Find a job – whether it’s full time or part-time. If your mom can afford it, full-time. If money is tight, then part-time. Can you persuade your mother to attend adult daycare so that SHE doesn’t spend so much of HER money on a paid caregiver to the house? BUT weigh the cost of the Adult daycare vs. a home caregiver. Best option is if several relatives stepped up and took turns “babysitting” your mom. I paid my 19yr old niece to “baby-sit” my bedridden father (her grandpa) a week ago. Yesterday, I paid my 21 year old niece to baby-sit father yesterday and this morning. My 19 yr old niece used that money to take a discarded 3 wk old kitten to the vet yesterday. My 21 yr old niece needed the money to help pay her rent.

As for your siblings not caring - you sound just like me throughout the years about mom, father and me. I don't know what to say. There's a sadness within me that have finally acknowledged that my siblings don't love me. I had reached beyond exhaustion last December (blacking out, falling suddenly) and texted all my siblings that I needed help because my exhaustion might kill me or land me in the hospital. Nothing! That was another nail into my heart that forced me to accept that they don't love me. When mom passed away, that was the final nail. My eyes are now open to my siblings. They're all talk but their actions proved otherwise. And I’m seeking therapy because I don’t want to have this resentment towards them. I’m not happy with this negativity towards them.

Kazzaa- I hope you enjoy your respite. Plan ahead. Get everything you think sis will need with regards to your mother. And I mean Everything. Meds? Have a chart with when to give and how much. Your mom has her habits – tell sis this. Write down as much as possible. Why? Because you don’t want sis or your mother calling you on your cell phone. In regards to questions, they can contact your brother and He in turn will contact you. Tell bro that he will be the middleman. This way, sis or mom cannot put the guilt trip on you while you’re away. I have done this so many times when I traveled off-island. I make sure all supplies are bought, and even went to the Home Supplies company and did a credit card authorization in case my family needed any last minute stuff for bedridden mom. (I was having surgery off-island and will be gone for at least 2 weeks – ended up a month in Hawaii.)

Juju – I rarely comment on your posts. Every time I read it, it’s like one problem after another. I just don’t know how you handle it. Which is why you keep posting that you need a vacation. I saw the therapist yesterday. She read my journal about going to Hawaii. She was sooo excited for me. I mean, she was excited. So, she asked me to tell her about it. I told it to her in a monotone voice. No excitement..just stating a fact. SHE was the one who kept asking me more questions because she said what she read in my journal and my talking with her, that I am intelligent and a thinker. So she Knows that I thought of this trip. I finally opened up and told her about surfing the web and finding a free Polynesian show at one of the hotels. How I was surprise to know that there is a museum nearby. She got more excited and mentioned that I must see the Bishop Museum and the zoo. By the time we were done, I was showing excitement on this upcoming trip. Alas… THAT was one of my assignments. She wants me to visualize myself in Hawaii, having fun, and relaxing, etc….

Joan - most doctors will Not declare someone as incompetent. I mean look how difficult it is to just even get them to put it in writing that the elderly person should not be driving. Most doctors refuse to do that - according to the personal stories of those I've read on this site. I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I know what it is to do the run-around and get so angry when I landed back where I started (adult protective service.) Went thru that when mom was dying - by the APS agreed to help us have mom's doctor compromise - mom passed away. Then father with his refusal for medical help - I went thru the hoops of APS, Elder Lawyer, his insurance, then back to APS (recommended by his insurance.) In the end, Ladee told me to just leave him be. The pain will be an incentive for him to seek medical help. And she was right. We just had to wait when he was so critical he could no longer handle the pain. {{HUGS}} Book

nah, sharyn - you are not one of them, you are one of us! I have a pic in my head of you and burning flour - never heard of flour catching fire but I don't see why not. I have burnt a few pots and their content in my day, but not a bag of flour!
kazzaa -I hope you have some great plans for your time off - you have earned it. I agree with your bro - DISAPPEAR!!! Are you really going back to feed your cat every day? I hope your sis finds out big time what mum is like with you
ju - glad you had some nice mother daughter time in the midst of your chaos - deep breaths, one step at a time. Yes, you do need a break - hope it comes soon - blackberry milkshake sounds good
jody - sweetheart - nothing you say will change your sibs or mum. But you can decide to take a break and tell her you are taking a break - you have to decide if you are going to take a break - she won't give you one. Say tell her you are taking a week off starting whenever, and that someone can find a replacement that your mum can pay for and when you come back you expect to be paid the same if she wants you to continue doing this. Otherwise you will go out, and get a job as you need to plan for your future. Understand I am just making suggestions here, but do realise that unless you change your situation will not change. Anyway if you just want to vent, know we are here for that too.
BIG VENT - I am so p*ssed off!!! Looks like the "care plan" is at least partly malarkey. They are not moving mother anywhere. She is still as paranoid as ever and was in quite a state this morning, so her drugs are not as effective as they need be and need adjusting. I think the care givers are giving her her meds -so that part is intact, and I have no idea who, if anyone will do follow up visits. It was supposed to be a neurogeriatric team, but I am beginning to doubt it. Mother's case worker left me a message saying, nicely, if we want to move mother we can - but it is nothing to do with her. She called here when I was in Edmonton. I wish I had gotten the message before I met with the team. I really like her and she and I and her contact at the ALF all agree about what mother's condition, but the doc are the ones who run the show. Mother needs someone to follow up with her meds. I can try to find a geriatrician who can deal with her or refer her regarding the BPD and paranoia. I will not discourage her from returning to the hospital, though I do wonder if they will be useful to her considering what I now know. I feel like we are back to square one - maybe square one and 1/3 -a little progress. Aaaargh!!! I still don't believe that moving her is the answer as she is getting the same care she would get at any other place and her paranoia will kick in and cause trouble anywhere she is. It has been for the past 6 years and the three places she has lived in that time.This location is good as she can scoot around the malls. If she has adequate meds I think her life will be manageable. There is a very large downtown complex of several malls all connected by pedways which are also connected to her ALF -so even in the winter she can get out and about in the malls on her scooter and that is worth something in this climate. I have asked the Case Worker to give me a call this coming week. I think she will fill me in honestly. I believe I need to document mother's paranoid stories, and anxieties so I can pass them on to any doctors. Mother called my cell here many times today - instead of 90 emails in 10 days it will be multiple phone calls. I got one of them not long after I got home and told her to call the land line. This is a repeat of what I told her this morning before I left. This evening she called again - thankfully on the land line - and left a message (I was on another call) that she would call me once a day to let me know that she was alright - and she also told me that they had fixed her scooter. OK. Trouble is her memory is so short I may get that call many times. Oh well! As long as she is not abusive. I can work with this. If the abuse starts - I am out of there, and she is on her own! 75 years of it is too much.
I went for a short brisk walk this evening. . I was trying to out-walk the bugs. Freaking mosquitoes are vicious this year, but I took some pics. Amazing how many different wild flowers I found in even a short walk. I hope to get more that 3 hrs sleep tonight

Love and hugs to everyone – one day at a time and do something good for you.

Any way I was saying thank you everyone for hearing me. Hope everyone has had a good day love jody