The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi Karen - no I haven't had the tattoo done yet and can't till this infection is healed, It is fungal I believe. I had systemic candida after I moved mother the first time. and was quite sick, not that that slowed down her demands at all. 40-45% of people who get it die from it. My doc didn't know how to treat it and finally I convinced him to send me to a specialist last summer, after a couple of years of being pretty sick. Now I am much better, but not over it completely. It has settled in my gut, and when it flares up I get some skin involvement, and my sinuses/eyes which get quite swollen and gut pain etc. Other than the colour, I tend to look like a prize fighter who lost the match. I know how to adjust my meds, and I also have to stay away from stress which affects it. The specialist says there is no guarantee that I won't have it for life, but can keep taking the meds she gave me. I have no intention of having it for life, and am doing pretty well, having been able to reduce my meds to about 1/3 to 1/4 the original dose, though have relapses as now. Just a big nuisance!

Let your mother wait for phone calls. She won't like it but you can't please her anyway no matter what you do. Your mum is so much like my mum! No, they don't care about anyone else. You need to remember she is mentally ill, and to some extent can't help it, but you do need to protect yourself. I have held the phone away from my ear - just close enough to know she is still talking and then after an appropriate time interrupt and say, "I have to go now" and hang up. What you say to them seems to make no difference generally. Work on not trying to appease her - you can't and she just wants the attention. Don't react to FOG. Forget about moving her closer to you! Change the subject!

Have a good day everyone.

Joan...would you share the FB foot scrub as I will have to do later. I spent way to much time on the puter this morning so I will try tonite or tomoro nite and maybe just go get a pedi and a haircut tomoro idk I want to then I can dye it myself it is way to long and shaggy now 2 boxes and lots of work....anyway yes share footscrub please!

Margeaux- my husband had prostate cancer and had surgery - had a catheter and when removed seemed fine until that afternoon and hadn't peed...had to rush him to the hospital - this was also not told to us that it could happen - it was the most painful experience for him - it was terrible. I think anytime a surgery is done it is a possibility as it is usually from a very small blood clot - that is all it takes. I hope he is feeling better - and since you are on this post - most likely not your only concern...hope you have a peaceful Sunday.
emjo- is the eye infection for the tattoo? Or did you not do that yet? Thanks for the advice. I did wait a few days to call my mother back- she called me 4 times in 2 days - each message more nasty than the one before. The phone call didn't go well - "where was I? You don't know what goes on here! I can go home there is someone here to help me, I want my food, I want, I want ,I want...". Never taking a breath and never listening. When I started to talk I was interrupting her again (standard statement) she never stops talking. I told her we were working on the yard while it wasn't 100 degrees for Jayme and Hannah's wedding...no response! Geez her grandson is getting married and she doesn't even care about that. I ended up just saying I would be down in a few weeks...and hung up. She was pissy the entire time, never once asked about anyone in the family - all about her. So exhausting. I need to read more to learn to diffuse some of these conversations. I just keep going back to my role of appeasing her. Ugh. She did bring up that she wants to move up here with me....need to postpone that for a few years! She will expect me there everyday.

Raven- you have found a fantastic group of people to help!

Thanks for being there everyone - so nice to know that there are others in this boat!

Happy Sunday!

Karen

Hi glad - what a mess you are in. My sis is being reasonable at present - she knows I could dump the POA and Personal Directive on her if she gets difficult, Any criticism and I'll tell her she can do it, if she thinks she can do better. It must be very hard being caregiver and not having POA etc when sibs are antagonistic. I am expecting trouble after mother goes - like being sued for something, and am keeping an eye out for that. I am executor and I think I will give it to a lawyer to prevent any court cases. So unfortunate when it ends up in court, but that is where you have to be.

juju - hope the storm didn't cause any additional problems. You have enough as it is. Unfortunately anyone can refuse meds - even in hospital. If she acts out too much, I believe she will end up evaluated as incompetent, and in a closed unit, which she will dislike intensely - but, her choice. Glad you got out for a walk. The more you walk (within reason) the more energy you will have the rest of the day to get your chores done, and you will have burned off some stress which is good for you. The body needs exercise when you are under stress, or it is harder on you. So glad that you are going to pamper yourself today. I got my toenails "gelished" Thursday - a nice sparkly coral to match my fingernails, my hair cut Friday, and today I will finally take presents to my grandson for his 8th b'day which was Aug 1st and I was away. I upped my meds for the fungal infection and the eyes and tummy are better, than k you for asking. Have you tried that recipe for taking dead skin off your feet. I saw it on f/b and want to try it. Prayers for the insurance to work out in your favour.

alison - gardening is a great thing. Like walking, any exercise is what the body needs to respond to the stress adrenaline rush and gardening reaps rewards. I hope you are making headway at placing your dad. I used to scrub pots when I was mad. Now I protect my nails, and find other ways to burn off steam! Yes, your mum is mentally ill, and most likely will not change for the better - and in time, like mine, for the worse.

Margeaux - let us know how you are. Hope hubby is better and you both are recovering from that traumatic experience and able to relax a bit.

Sharyn - sorry that your arm is still causing you trouble. I hope you can get some treatment that is helpful. Have you had any PT?

Re mother, I have decided that I will give her a good dose of the truth, one of these phone calls. She keeps telling me I don't know what it is like because I am not there, but there are some things I do know, and one of them is that of she does not take her meds, her paranoia and agitation will get worse, and she will end up in hospital again. I will also tell her that the doctors have diagnosed her as needing it, that they are trying to help her, and if she will not cooperate/help herself, she need not expect me to come down and help her. Also she may find herself in a situation that she likes even less than the one she is in, if she keeps up the way she is. Her choice!

That's my rant for the day - now for some peace and relaxation :)

Lots of love to you all, and prayers!

Good morning..

Joan, what a nitemare with mom, I would like to think that she cant just decide to stop meds but further thought is I guess she can, if that is her desire...that the problem with the M. ill...they don't see the problems. I am hoping it doesn't happen and/or the phoning dilemma does not blow up... I did take the dogs on a walk this AM around the hotel couple times..i gotta do it before the chores set in or I will be too tired to do it. It was brief but nice...I hope your eyes are doing better today and your tummy too...

Sharyn. sorry to hear about son, my bro's wife was like that and we did not see him for many years, just holidays etc... Must be heartbreaking to have someone steal your baby from you for lack of a PC or better term, i am braindead as usual! Well i do hope you get to see him!! it is amazing what power women can have over them..my bro loved a big pile of ribs or fat steak and went vegiterian cuz she was and she was mean and belittled and mocked us especially my really ill bro...used to infuriate me as she was no prize, when that bro emerged from divorce he was not same and ill as well...it runs in family but many years in that type of environment didn't help im sure. Well look forward to the trip to Idaho and hang on to that, and hope you do get some quality time with him.
CMag I may have missed the point with your dilemma I do not read well, my concentration is crap. and I don't see well so reading is difficult at times Sorry things got messed up, that just sucks!!

Margeaux....hope recovery is coming along first few days are the worst I suspect!

Raven, yes that sounds real icky situation and sis is unstable

Man we had a wicked nasty storm yesterday. The thunder was so powerful It shook the building and rattled the windows. I cant remember ever feeling it like that, I was truly scared. The good news is it brought buckets of rain, much needed to aid the firefighters and douse any lightning strikes that may have erupted. Bad news for me is it probably soaked my salvaged hardwoods I was counting on re-purposing, they are laying in the yard hope the tarp held. and the roof tarp was open as we were inspecting quoting the damage and did not expect or think of it till the storm was in full force...the insurance covered the pipe burst floor damage but would not do the roof and then they cancelled me the other day due to the roof damage... it better not interfere with this claim and that is BS cuz I am getting it fixed and had already paid a contractor to fix few years back which he apparently did not do!!! I will fight that cancellation as I must have current homeowners for mortage and for this housing rehab loan )no interest and no payback till sale) I am in process of applying for....so be my troubles for the day...not the problem family but circumstances..that family caused me to flee and isolate!

Well anyway I am going to try to get my toes painted today, soak my feet and tidy up the calluses and paint those little piggies!! and :"try' to watch this movie I wanna see on HBO here at hotel but it hard during day as I have demands on me all day. Home I can just dvr it or pause as needed. Incredibly close and extremely loud is the movie and my Breaking bad is back on today, they probably have a marathon of the first half of season I would like to catch I am checking now!!
Oh ya I guess I need to go to house n assess the storm mess if any! and I do have to review all the quotes I got from contractors and flooring co. this week and finish housing rehab loan app. just got to copy and print bunch of stuff for that but may have found a disqualifier on a document I just remembered. i am keeping fingers crossed we can get it resolved or I am screwed now that they are cancelling my insurance!

Well have the best Sunday possible everyone and always in my thoughts n prayers! Big love shout out to you all!!

Peace,
Juju

Raven1-
I can identify with your post! However, I am the oldest of 3. I have been caring for mom for just over two years now, without assistance from two siblings that both live within 10 miles of here. They called APS on me. The day they showed up on the doorstep, I was preparing to get mom's hubby in the shower, mom was at her day program. I told the investigator he was welcome to go chat with my mom and the address of the center. At the time, I thought the nerve of the sis's to allege physical abuse, financial exploitation never even occurred to me because there absolutely has not been any and sis's know it. However, that is what the allegations are. ABSURD, VINDICTIVE, and out and out HATEFUL. APS closed the case. Then sisters tried to start another investigation of financial exploitation and were told by the investigator that there is absolutely no basis for the allegations and refused to investigate. They were also told that this mess is going to have to be settled in court. So that is where we are now. And it becomes uglier by the day. The sis with POA's is completely unreasonable so I have petitioned for third party involvement/assistance in the form of a guardian and conservator. It is really a shame to have to spend money in this way, but there is no way around it.

raven ((((((((((hugs))))))))) I agree with cmag -sounds like she has a PD. - certainly is mentally ill. Horrible situation! Is there anyway to physically separate so you don't live with he, even if it takes making some drastic changes?
sharyn I am so sorry about your son. I remember you writing about him and dil before. I know how it feels, Thankfully the dil I was estranged from has come around and is an amazing support now and we are friends. Miracles can happen!
cmag - hope things have settled down with your mum and she will be able to under the procedure now. I know your wife has surgery upcoming too - they do keep you busy!
take care all - and do something good for you today especially you today, raven
love and hugs Joan

Raven1, your sister sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder with probably no probability of ever seeking help for it. Earlier in this thread, emjo shared about 'detachment' which you might find helpful. Why is your sister living at home? You mention that you are the middle child. Where is the youngest sibling in this dysfunctional drama? Hugs, love and prayers for you in dealing with such a dysfunctional sister.

Raven1~Wow, what a difficult situation you are living! My heart goes out to you.Just so I can get a better idea of what is going here, who owns the house you are all living in or who carries the lease? You have DPOA for medical and financial. Are you ready to have your sister evicted if the house belongs to you or your mother? There are steps you can take to accomplish that if you are ready. Let us know where you are at with all this and what you are willing to do. Hugs to you!!

Juju~I wish I could say that my son is coming for sure but I can't. He was going to come here at Christmas last year, then backed out, then he was going to come for our wedding anniversary and backed out. The last time I visited with him was in May of last year. I would have gone to see him when I had a week off in April but because things were coming to a head with mom living alone and the decisions we had to make for her safety, I wasn't able to go. He and dil have a really cute 1 bedroom apartment in SoCal. It is perfect for the 2 of them. When I visit, I stay at a hotel. Part of the reason I don't stay with them also is because I do not feel comfortable with my dil. Dil drew a line between us from the beginning due to religion. Her mother made unfounded accusations against us. BTW, dil's mother lives next door to them. When I visited a year ago, dil did cook dinner for me which was not expected, but she kept a distance and would not go out with me and son. I bought breakfast for the both of them while I was there which was not a problem. She basically left the majority of the time for me and my son, again that was fine. She really wants no relationship with us and while I am fine with that, I am concerned when/if they have children that she and her mother will not allow us a relationship with them as well. It will be more difficult because my son is converting to her religion which is very different in that they do not celebrate birthdays, Christmas,etc. I accept that part, what I can't accept is that they do not acknowledge us at all throughout the year except when they need a hand out, then my son will tell us, "I love you guys". Even if they/he sent a thinking of you card a couple times a year would be appreciated but we don't even get that. As you can see, there is some issues here between us. I hope and pray he does come, however, when he first told me they were coming...it was because of a friend of his wife's is getting married. So again, it is not a case of them coming to actually spend time with us. When it is important enough for his wife to come up here they seem to have the money to do it, but not when my son is coming to see us. I am not holding my breath on this visit. As far as my arm, I am still having problems, like you, I can't take the MR 4 times a day and work plus take care of everything else. I do think it is more in my wrist because the other night I was having spasms in my lower forearm. I don't have the tingling in my shoulder and arm as often. If my insurance would cover a chiropractor I would go. I hope your mom is doing better in regards to having pain, and I hope you get some down time to relax a little. Hugs!!

Joan~Sorry you are having to deal with mom again. Unfortunately it is going to continue until a dr. diagnoses her as incapacitated in some way. I hope you are feeling better and a pamper me day sounds wonderful. I am doing good now, just a couple of weepy days!! The chocolate was great and helped so very much, thanks again!! Hugs!!

I use to hear the phrase "dysfunctional family" and think, "Boy am I glad that isn't us!" I have to laugh or I would cry to realize that we do live in a dysfunctional family situation. We were the all American Christian Family who was in church every time the doors were open, we were only allowed to associate with church friends, we did not smoke, drink or use profanity. My parents were married for 60 years and my father died with my mother standing beside him in the hospital where she stayed 24 hours a day.

My entire life has been difficult as the middle child. My older sister never got over the fact that I was born and vowed to hate me until the day I die, yet she is 6 years older than I. To say that she lives to make my like hell is an understatement. I became caregiver because I was ill and on disability myself, therefore I was thrown into this job because "I was the one at home, without a job." So I am now on my 4th relative that I am caring for, my Mom. I take care of everything and receive no help or monetary compensation. A couple of years ago I did take Mom to an attorney and seek her DPOA......This did not endear me to my older sister who tried to stop it. She makes false accusations against me and uses character assignation consistently. She has filed a completely false report against me with APS saying that I abused her during an argument and bruised and scratched her arms. They came to my house to interview me and I was in shock and livid. The one thing my sister forgot was that my 16 year old niece was sitting a few feet away and saw the entire thing and swears as I do, that I NEVER did it! She made the same accusations the year before and also screamed that my mother and I were holding her hostage! This year she says I grabbed and injured her granddaughter, bruising her arms and leaving welts. I told her she was a liar and had her granddaughter show me her arms, they were perfect, no bruises, no cuts, no welts, just lily white perfect arms. This happens because she does not want me to take a vacation and leave her in charge. I truly believe she is mentally ill at this point. She has told off her doctors and Administration at the HMO she belongs to and they sent her to an in house Psychiatrist as they believe she is not playing with a full deck. She has also alienated her own 2 children.

All this makes my care giving 100% harder because I have a person who wants to do me harm or have me thrown in jail and is willing to tell lies to make it happen and she lives in the house with my mother and I and my daughter. Everything I do is watched and scrutinized and I am sure notes are taken in case she can find anything to lodge a complaint against me with.

So yes we are dysfunctional and I know right where it sleeps.

Can't comment much, as I can't read too much as my eyes are bad tonight, but gotta vent a little -

My mother called and said she has stopped her meds I have had numerous calls, but did not answer after the first few. To begin with my sis called her and she hung up on my sis - so I called her and she hung up on me then she called me back with the litany of woes and "You don't know what goes on here as you are seldom here" yada, yada, yada. I told her I had a bank statement showing that she has not had any money stolen, but she does not believe me and still wants to call the cops even though she has the same bank statement. Just straight nuttiness, The latest voice mail message is that she wants me to know that due to her age she is not entitled to be under the care of a doctor. This is a new one. She was working the FOG big time, but it rolls off my back now.

Things will only get worse. She admitted that she refused her meds in the hospital sometimes. She asked my sis to come over from Scotland or send her daughter over to "sort things out", This is a straight bid for attention. Sis said no. Years ago after she caused a summer from h*ll, she wanted me to not go to my last year of university but to come home and sort some things out. No, thank you!

All the issues she had this summer are sorted out except the ones that originate in her head and those will not be sorted out as long as she refuses to take her meds.

Aaaaargh! Oh well. If there are any episodes following her going off her meds - which is pretty well inevitable - I am not spending the time or money to go down there. I have my own things here that need to be "sorted out".

Margeaux sorry about your experience at the hospital with your hubby;, and yours too cmag with your mum
juju -hang in there -you are doing so well, hope mum is feeling better
more chocolate tonight, sharyn?
alison - good to hear you are doing well. Even as we recover we still get sucked into the sick games at times - it is called being human
Karen (sad1) mother always wants to move -I am ignoring those statements or changing the subject
everyone - have a good night - got an infection inn my eyes, the gut has flared up, my sis has a rash - too much stress no doubt! Think it will have to be a pamper me day tomorrow Hugs and love Joan

Sharyn_ I am so glad you will have your son visiting soon and get to visit daughter next month...that must be hard having your children far away!
wish it was human nature to stay in the pack/territory for life (like some animals lol) but ya that must be so hard and when the grandkids are involved even harder...my friends do a lot of skyping with their loved ones...do you have that? not the same but helps a little i guess. How is your arm and numbness going i have had bouts of mine returning since this house n ankle issue...it crazy i forget i have some stuff Xanax and muscle relaxer, can take but MR is only at night but does help and Xanax does bring a calm over me but i don't think of it only when i was way back having serious anxiety attacks but this low level day long stress just is the norm now so i don't even think of it, maybe i should!
well thunder and lightning strikes (14,000 one news post said) everywhere and flash flood warning for the river in my town...need to go find some info on that and if more fires are started it was a nasty storm last nite and now again early was pretty calm n clear!
Peace,
Juju

Well the link was removed from my post
"this is why I do what I do"
but you can find the story at CBS evening news website...a study on nursing homes quality rating and abuse in them!!
It is why I keep mom at home with me..it is why I do what I do..horrific treatment of those who cannot speak up or fend for themselves!

Hmm. I wish I had more encouraging words, Margeaux, but my father recently went through a similar situation where, after being under anesthesia, he had to have a catheter inserted. After months of Urology appointments, my father now has a catheter permanently. BUT... my father's doctors told me that his bladder showed signs of scarring, and that indicated my father had not been urinating normally for YEARS. So I wish you and hubby, especially, all the best as he recovers from this.

Cmag, I can definitely empathize with feeling like medical people are failing in their basic duties, and just creating so much more crisis put upon our shoulders than necessary.

Emjo, you've mentioned a couple of times how much good that long walking did you when you were visiting your mom's city. I've found similar things - that by doing some pretty grueling yard work, it just takes out all of my frustrations, lol! Sometimes its hard for me to do the yard work without a little bit of resentment popping up... after all, its my father's house I'm slaving on while he is in his bed watching endless tv and playing solitaire... but I have learned to just keep going and soon enough I get the fulfillment of getting the work done, and I'm fairly stress free at that point! ;D

My father got hateful with me the other day and I didn't respond well. I yanked his curtains off the wall on the way out of his room and felt lousy about it the rest of the day. I do think I'm getting better at dealing with him. But he "got me" by responding to my trying to help him by hollering at me to get the F out or I would get hurt. Ugh. It just made me so mad that this old man that I slave so hard for can just pop off at me like that. I clean his clothes, change his sheets, buy his food, do EVERYTHING so that he can just sit around in bed, all day every day, and do as he pleases. And he wants to treat me like dirt sometimes. It gets to be too much. I'm taking him to a new geriatrician next week, with the goal of getting a full assessment, including psych, from a new PCP. My father DID seem remorseful about the incident. He folded up the curtains and laid them where I could see them when I walk by his room. It was almost his way of saying he was sorry? I don't know, but I interpreted this way and we quickly have gotten past the incident.

I appreciate this about my dad - that we can both move on quickly past an argument now. This is NOT the case for my mother and my older brother. More and more as I am aware of PDs and what that is about, I notice similarities between my mom and older bro, and I notice how little my interaction with them has to do with anything I'm saying or doing. Example: my older bro was here yesterday to visit my dad. My bro brought up some argumentative issues that I, personally, find its best to just not discuss. But for some reason, bro wanted to discuss. So I tried. And I realized fairly quickly that No Matter What I Said, my bro would argue it. Anything!!! I tried to point this out to him, told him I thought that what we were doing (arguing) was unproductive, and I walked out the back door of the house and went and did yard work. And bro dropped the issues and we were able to have a decent visit after that. I think bro is just still entrenched into patterns of the past, and it will take a bit of detached leading on my part to show him there is another way. I'm ok with that. I'm up to the challenge. I'm optimistic older bro will "get it," at least to the point of not wanting to engage in pointless arguing with me, while I do not believe my mother ever will get it.

So... that's where everything is at right now. I'm able to observe patterns of behavior in a detached way now... its not easy, but I think I'm getting more used to it... and if I can just see the behavior for what it is (old Dys Family patterns, been around as long as I have, lol!), then I can begin to just shut down that old way of things spinning out of control, before they actually get there. Make sense? And it just feels so good to believe that there IS something I can do besides just AVOID family at all costs, lol, like I've kind of done for some years now.

Hope everyone is having a good day! Love you guys, and am very grateful for your words, your encouragement, your being willing to share your personal experiences. (((HUGS)))

Margeaux~My FIL had an out patient procedure done a few weeks ago to remove a benign tumor from the parathyroid. He was sent home but he could not pee. He went to his dr. the next day and a catheter was inserted. A couple days later the dr. removed it. He still couldn't pee and he was admitted back into the hospital for about 3 days. By this time he had an infection. I read, it is a common problem for men due to the anesthesia. If this is the case, they definitely need to do something to counter this reaction. Your poor hubby and you!! Hang in there and sending positive thoughts to you!!

This is horrific and why I do what I do!!!

Margueax we crossed posts but your whole ordeal is just typical sorry to say...I am so sorry you and hubby had to go thru that but seems like it is the norm!! Medical proffesionals are so scary to me now due the errors and misinformation I have come across in the last 6 mos although it infuriates me it does not surprise me...I will never find it acceptable but i will find it as the norm.

I hope all else goes well and he is recovering comfortably! Blessings to you both and in our thoughts n prayers!!
Peace,
Juju

Good morning all, thank goodness it is Saturday, and the phone is not blowing up, yet!
Well I guess I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday all around. I am just furious about this issue with my mom...I just don't understand why properly diagnosing the problem is such a difficult chore...
The experts down south said she could have had an MRI as only reason not to is if hardware is in head or one other place I forgot but did not apply to her and that the whole time I was told it her knee and it is her ankle...I explained her leg hurts and I cant even touch her foot or move her without crying out...the knee was swollen Friday and no bruising but by Monday has appeared and and all in ankle calf region....I have had 3 appts and no firm diagnosis...just hop her up on pain meds and ice...well we did not ice right area for first week will this be of damage and how long is icing effective..doesn't seem to do much. I cant keep her on her side with this pain she wants to fidget n lay flat her sores on butt are inflamed now between this and daycamp leaving her wet for god knows how long..... I focused on some promotion for my ALZ walk yesterday to try to do something positive and that was heartbreaking again...got tons of likes and several supportive comments but did not get one pledge!!! "https://act.alz.org/site/Donation2?idb=4864333&df_id=16186&FR_ID=3848&PROXY_ID=6727984&PROXY_TYPE=20&16186.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=28xtipufo1.app206b&s_subsrc=bfgetwordout&s_src=boundlessfundraising" It may get deleted like a lot of links Ive noticed but if above is still there please do what you can to help Alz Org fight this crappy disease! I donated a lot last year and spent a lot to stay in hotel and drive to n fro then only got $10 in pledges...so this year It is our nearest city whew no hotel n gas...but I am starting small and if I get some other pledges where I can make a decent showing I will add more....It just blows me away how little people care about these types of things...when my friends post and need support or votes to win band contest I am right on it! I have donated to so many things or supported so many people...that is kinda what I was talking about earlier post...I give n give and get crickets when I am in need! Least my BFF called to ask bout this and date so she can try to make it up to walk with us, we were alone last year in a strange town, felt odd..and not a whole lot of participants were friendly which surprised me...
And I mentioned I don't make friends easily but what I meant is I don't make lasting true friends easily, I am fairly outgoing and love to smile and chat and do make efforts to be kind and friendly to who I come in contact with I just don't seem to be able to forge close freindships and a lot is due to most others have family: spouse, siblings and kids and other freindships...that is what I don't have I don't have any family (but distant cousins east and south that have not been in contact since late teens and bro's that are estranged and 8hrs away) so maybe I am too needy or dependent on friends to fill the family void, but I have always treated my friends like family so I had expected the same and not as I said before I try not to expect anything but I guess I need that support so want it" very confusing statement...my disappointment is that I don't have the family I guess I am trying to say and I don't have any children, I have wanted children so bad till the last couple years when It became obvious that it isn't going to happen...so much experiences I have not had in raising a family ....mom is my lil baby now but I am not raising here I am caring her out of here!!! I do feel so dysfunctional tho that I have no one to count on for support...god If I get a cold or flu or anything how we are now mom will have to be institutionalized and will really mess up everything and yet I have no faith that they would care any better for her....reminds me other night on CBS Nat news was a segment on nursing care and quality...there were some horrific nanny cam clips etc patients being thrown into bed and slapped and hit for resisting or fidgeting OMG did nothing to help me in my dilemma of thinking is it time for me to give up, between that and simple day camp blunder this week I cannot it is not going to happen. I will have to bring someone in home somehow so I can monitor treatment. I will google cbs story to get info on an agency to help with nursing home treatment issues that was mentioned and this study is just horrific on the issues n incidents

ok enuf rambling just have a good day and hit up my ALZ WALK SITE if you can

"https://act.alz.org/site/Donation2?idb=4864333&df_id=16186&FR_ID=3848&PROXY_ID=6727984&PROXY_TYPE=20&16186.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=28xtipufo1.app206b&s_subsrc=bfgetwordout&s_src=boundlessfundraising"

I know I did it twice but that how important it is to me!!

Sharyn: I crawled in momma's bed this morn since it a king and snuggled her! SHe said so sweetly "awe this is nice" burned in my memory and tears rolling as I type this...the little things!!!

Cmag: glad you got there in time and it does not surprise me, they did not contact you....

Have a great day and hang in there....
Peace,
Juju

I had one heck of day w/my husband's procedure!

We had to arrive at the outpatient clinic at 10:30 a.m.
So my husband was escorted into the pre-op area, and I was told to wait in the lobby, they would come for me later. Well, when later came....I went in, and by now my husband had his hair in a hair net. There must have been about six nurses around him and the doctor. The doctor was discussing last minute details, and really was almost at the end of the conversation. I didn't like this, would have liked to have been there when it started. So now one nurse was setting up the connection for an IV. I kept my nerves and emotions under control, and wished my husband well. You know how they say in theatre....break a leg, break a wing....I told my husband, "Mend a wing!" Then I went back out to the lobby.
But I did go outside finally and cried.

Just this last week was really stressful, since we had gone out of town for work, then my husband was trying as usual, to squeeze as much vacation time in.
I must admit, I was trying my hardest to feign having a good time, but truth be told, w/the impending surgery and a ton of things to prep for all of this I just wanted to be home. When we did finally arrive home, it was non-stop doing this, that and the other. So I've been running on empty also.

About an 1.45 mins. later, the doctor came out and said everything had gone well, I could go in to see my husband. He was groggy, but managed to smile, and joke w/the nurse. The attending nurse now, was so wonderful! Well, now we had to wait for him to pass urine, which apparently is something that needs to be done before releasing a patient for Inguinal Hernia. It was about 1:00, now.
We spent the next several hours waiting, my husband trying w/no success.
Now if this doesn't happen, now we were being told that they'd send him home w/a catheter. More hours past, and now this nurse was almost off her work clock. It was Friday, so I'm getting concerned, tired and hadn't had any substantial food.

The new shift nurse presents herself. She basically told my husband that he had to pee, his bladder was full according to a monitor. It was now 6:00 p.m.,
much of the staff and patients were gone. We were the only ones there w/two nurses. My poor husband made several more attempts. Finally the two nurses started to try to insert the catheter, w/no success. This nurse asked me whether he'd had any Prostate issues, which he does not have. The two nurses started to refer to two different catheters by size. Like that wasn't bad enough for me to be hearing, then they referred to one being stiff. Oh boy! I could hear my husband saying to the nurse, "Did you say stiff?" Can't they call them by letters?

Finally the in charge nurse called the back up doctor. Husband's doctor of course unavailable. It is the weekend, you know. This outpatient clinic is associated to a hospital, nearby. A urologist showed up. He inserted the catheter w/no problem.

We didn't leave the clinic until 8:30 p.m.
What I gathered from this experience is the fact that at least w/us, no one told my husband about this aspect of the procedure regarding the ability to urinate, nor the catheter. It would have been nice to know this.

The other thing was the fact, that Idk....given it was a Friday, I'm wondering why they would have people not fully trained to address a situation as such.
As this was evolving, I had my heart in my stomach. But finally we came home.

Poor thing....as we were settling down at home, he wanted to sleep on the couch, w/this gear he has. He said to me, "I didn't think this is what this was going to be,"
blah di blah. I think my husband thinks as I'm sure many people do....the fact that he had the Laparoscopic one, that it was going to be a walk in the park, or something! He did read about it, and friends who've gone through other hernia surgeries did tell him that he'd be uncomfortable at first, sometimes longer.
But I can see why patients think this way. The doctor's selling points on these surgeries always seem to make it sound simplistic.

Anyway, I'm up early, finally slept better. I got up to give him his meds for pain.
Then decided I needed to come here and talk about it.

Thank you to everyone, who wished me well, and blessings. We sure needed it!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmag~A little lack of communication...that is frustrating. I am glad the blood work was normal. I hope your visit is relaxing and enjoyable!!

Juju~Thanks for sharing the tips!!! We can all use the info. Yes, the image of this little dog running to my mom is burned in my memory and heart. Some day I will share it with my sister.

Margeaux~How did the surgery go? I you and hubby are well and he is recovering as instructed. Give us an update when you can. Hugs!!

What a wild day! Early this morning, I got a phone call from my step-dad's helper wanting to know if I knew that my mom was scheduled for a blood transfusion at 9 am. No, I did not for no one from the nursing home called me and I'm the medical POA for my mother. So, I got dressed and drove a very quick hour drive in less than an hour. I ended up getting to the hospital before the EMS people got there with mom. While checking her blod type, they checked her red blood cell count which by that time had returned to normal. This meant moving mom back to the nursing home and I drove home to go on a 3 1/2 hour drive to visit relatives which is where I am tonight. What a day.

oh joan I wish I had the time for a walk well I guess I would have time if I wasn't posting here but it is my time to get off my feet for a minute...Its 2:15 and just got my teeth brushed been on phone or hold all morning.. I will now look for something decent to wear...and go pay for car insurance policy I forgot to take care of last week. thank goodness I didn't get accident or pulled over!!!

Sharyn, I love the lil midget story dragging you toward her Momma..it is the simple little things that can evoke a sweet/emotional moment! I tear when momma sings the sunshine song for people she is so dang cute...her nurse sez I should put it up on Youtube and/or it should be used for promotion of elder issues.

above, that was to Margeaux

Just got this thru Lift Caregiving FB feed:

Tips for being resilient:
It is important to have strategies that work for you so you can cope with all that you are managing and can be the resilient person that you are.

Different things work for different people, and some people are more resilient than others. You may know in your mind that these techniques work but find that it is hard to actually do them. Try picking one new strategy to try each week.

Here are some strategies to get you started:
•Acknowledge the reasons for the choices you make. Caregivers sometimes feel that they do not have a choice. Sometimes you actually do have a choice; you just may not like the alternatives. For example, your loved one could take the bus to their appointment, but you would feel guilty if they did. By deciding to drive them yourself, you may be choosing to avoid feeling badly rather than asserting that you won't do something that you don’t want to do. If you recognize the reasons for your choices, you will feel less resentful about the outcome.
•Apologize if appropriate. Guilt is appropriate if you have actually done something to harm someone else. The best response is to make amends and apologize.
•Be physically active. Regular physical activity is one of the best ways to manage your stress, anxiety and sadness. It is important for your physical and mental health. A brisk walk several times a week will make a big difference in your emotional well-being. If you’re having trouble making time to be active, remember that even five minutes at a time will help. Try it the next time you are struggling with negative emotions and see how you feel.
•Breathe deeply or try calming exercises. When we feel stressed, worried or upset, we tense our bodies and our breathing becomes quick and shallow, rather than deep and abdominal. Try taking slow, deep breaths so that your belly rises when you inhale. If this is hard for you, try it while you are lying on your back as a start. Deep breathing can be done at any time, any place. It is important to consciously relax on a regular basis to calm your body and mind. Breathing is a fundamental part of stretching, yoga and tai chi, which are all easy and fun relaxation techniques. Remind yourself that what you are feeling now is temporary. It will pass.
•Count your blessings. Focus on the positives. Even if your loved one’s situation is much worse than you had expected, there are still positives. Remember the things you love about your loved one and think about the good times you shared. Try doing things you can still enjoy doing together. If you focus on the good things, you’ll be less likely to struggle with your feelings of sadness or grief.
•Divide tasks into manageable pieces. If your responsibilities feel overwhelming, break them down into small pieces. Dealing with each part individually won’t seem so intimidating. Make a mental list of the tasks and try to think about them one at a time. Try writing your list down to help you feel less overpowered by a situation.
•Express your feelings. One of the best ways to reduce your sadness or frustration is to express your feelings regularly. Find a way that you can “vent” when you are feeling down. Bottled up emotions will not go away; they will only get stronger and cause problems. You can share your feelings by talking with others, or you can express them by writing in a journal, dancing or doing artwork. Do what is best for you.
•Focus on the present. Sometimes we grieve about the future we see before us. Potential losses can be very real, but focusing your attention on them will likely cause you grief and sadness. Think less about the future and concentrate more on the present. Things might now be like they were, but they aren’t yet what you fear they will become. Enjoy what is available to you now.
•Get enough rest. Many caregivers carve extra minutes or hours out of their day be sleeping less. Although this may give you extra time, it will likely affect you in negative ways, emotionally and physically. When you don’t sleep enough, you are more likely to be short tempered and feel resentful. You will also be more prone to illness. To stay emotionally balanced, make getting enough sleep high on your list of priorities. It will help you be a better caregiver!
•Get help. If no other family members can share the tasks of caregiving, look into support offered by government and nonprofit agencies. Whether your loved one needs help with transportation, preparing meals or minor home repairs, there are programs that can help. If someone else can handle some of those tasks, then you will have more time to do the things only you can do, such as loving and caring.
•Get more information. Fear, worry and anxiety seem to thrive on uncertainty. Learn as much as you can about a situation that concerns you. There may be good reasons to worry or be afraid. If they are, you need to get more information so you can manage your level of concern appropriately. Once you are fully informed, you may view the situation differently and find ways to make it better. Remind yourself that worrying is not productive and only causes you distress.
•Join a support group. People who are “in the trenches,” just like you, know exactly what it’s like to be a caregiver. They have many similar experiences and can listen with empathy. Many of them have grappled with the same issues you’re facing and can offer useful tips and suggestions. A caregiver support group provides a safe and supportive place to share feelings and get advice. If you can’t physically make it to a local support group, consider joining our on-line caregiver community.
•Keep your sense of humor. Blessed are the flexible, for they do not get bent out of shape. Do what you can to see the lighter side. Set aside time now to do something just because it is fun, especially if it makes you laugh. Laughter is not a luxury; it is a remedy for the stressed and overloaded. Keep a list of things you like to do for fun, and try to include one every week.
•Limit the time you worry. It is easy to let fears and worry overcome you. Try keeping them in check by setting aside a special time to focus on your concerns. Make this your “worry time.” Keep your worries off limits for the rest of the day. If you have a troubling thought, write it down. Start a “worry list,” and address it during your “worry time.” Let it go until then. This allows you to stay focused, be productive and keep track of your concerns so they don’t dominate your day.
•Set up “worry guidelines.” When thinking about your loved one, it helps to have a clear sense of what is normal and what is a cause for concern. Get the information you need, and then decide when you should start to be concerned. Specifying what to be concerned about and when will help you focus your attention on action instead of worry. This can help you keep your fears in perspective.
•Look at your accomplishments. Chances are you have already done many things to help your loved one. The next time you feel guilty, acknowledge all the good things you do. You may be surprised to discover that you have much to feel good about too!
•Set limits. One of the best antidotes to giving too much is to learn to say “no.” Easier said than done, for sure! Start by listing the things only you can do versus the things that someone else could do. You might also list the things you really like to do and then the things you don’t enjoy. Once you’ve made your lists, look into options for having others relieve you of the tasks you don’t like and those that don’t require your participation. You will feel less resentful when you do only what you can.
•Think in terms of “I regret.” Guilt and blame go hand in hand. It can be hard to say “no” when others want you to do something. Saying “I’m sorry, I can’t…” or “I feel sad that I can’t…” might feel awkward, but it acknowledges that you are truly sorry that you cannot do all that is requested of you. In a subtle way, this changes your answer from being just negative to being apologetic yet aware of the disappointment it may cause.
•Take a break. We all need periods of relief. If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed, take a break…ten minutes, half an hour or whatever you need to work through your emotions. It helps to do something to express your feelings. Find a private place and cry, go for a walk or job, call a friend, write down what you are thinking or draw. Release the built-up emotions so you can think more clearly.
•Take time for yourself. You cannot get water from a dry well. You need to do things that replenish your inner resources. These do not have to be expressive or time consuming. Take the time to do something you enjoy, something you enjoy, something that is just for you. It will help you avoid feeling that your life is only about other people and not about you. Keep a list of things you enjoy, and try to include at least one each day.
•Talk with a friend. An old Swedish proverb says, “Shared job is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” Talking with a caring friend who may be able to look more objectively at the situation will bring relief and help you regain perspective.
•Try meditation or prayer. If you cannot physically get away, then take mental or spiritual breaks. Set your worries aside and clear your mind. Some people take a mental break to pray or meditate, some just unwind. Let the world spin for 5, 10 or 20 minutes without your help. It will still be there when you get back, but you will feel refreshed and have more energy ahead of you.
•Try to understand. Sometimes a loved one of other family member will say something to make you feel guilty. On one hand, there may be no excuse for it. On another, it may be a sign that that person’s emotions are reeling. They may be acting on a lifelong pattern or may be responding to fears or losses associated with illness or aging. In either case, you can keep from falling back on guilt if you remind yourself that the other person is probably scared or hurt.

Blessings to you and hubby!
Peace,
Juju

Juju~You have lots of support on this site and friends who care about you. I know it is not the same as having friends that are near you in person. My sis and I have discussed this several times. I don't think it is a dysfunction. You are just at a different place emotionally than other people. I have friends...people I have known since I was a child...I run into them occasionally, we hug, share some laughs about the past, shed a tear together for the losses of our parents and this seems to be enough for me right now. What I miss is my children more than anything else.

Margeaux~Sending you and your hubby positive thoughts and energy! Hugs to you!!

Hi All,

This morning I'm off to take my husband for his Laparoscopic procedure for a hernia. Could you please all put out a spiritual holler for him?
Thank You, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I wonder today although I was always the strongest and healthiest of all my siblings and surrounded by all this dysfunction in my life If my tendency to be tough and self reliant is a dysfunction in itself...is that why I have no support because I make it that way... as now I feel like that is my downfall....I don't put up with bs or crappy behavior from anyone and would prefer to just be alone than deal with bs...Is that a dysfunction...am I making my own life so unbearable...I don't have a soul (locally) to count on...
I kinda feel I eliminated people that made me feel bad and to make room for the new good people that I am allowing in but I kinda feel like ever since my divorce 17 ys ago I have no one in my corner...that was an issue in itself..i got screwed due to my kindness and consideration and my friends n neighbors who knew what was going on behind my back never sed a word...so that is when I decided I never will count on anyone again or expect any kind of considerate behavior...I just recently learned to stop being considerate to those who do not reciprocate that interim time was just spent depending but hoping n praying for condiderate and heartbreak even tho I did not expect or depend on it just heartbreak that it was not given as I still gave so much to others.. I kinda think it was the mothering instinct I have, I wanted children so bad so I treat others in that sort of fashion...to do and advise as much as I can offer support n guidance. and would think humankind reciprocates the same behaviors so as I type this out I guess I never let go of that expectation even I told myself I had as once I did happiness came back in my life.....
but have I done damage to myself with this....am I too self supporting and is it a personality disorder...I never was good at making friends I attributed it to the crazy family I was ashamed to be associated with but maybe it is just me...I am so involved in me I cant be a good friend...idk....I am tired and need some support so now my mind is wandering. but basically I really need some support and friends now and find I have no one....but the little doggie who is trying to hug me as I type this I swear he has a sense of emotion cuz he don't do this oftern but usually when I need it most, crazy especially if I do have one of those cry out loud moments...but I am perfectly quiet and he is on my chest licking me and he puts his paws around my neck and literally hugs me! he is so cute!!! I know I am rambling and may not made sense but thanks for letting me blow this out!
well I would love some feedback and thanks for the support
Take care and have a good day! TGIF, I think, lol!!