notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Emjo, Thank you also, I'm right now trying to go w/gut instincts, because you know when we can get past some of the b.s., then we can honor our own truth!
Margeaux
The sad thing is that we become as addicted to playing our role(s) as other family members become addicted to us playing that role(s). Thus, when we stop playing our "role" the family dysfunctional balance is thrown off and people become angry at the person who now has some boundaries in their life.
my Mom just passed away after me living with her for 5 years as a non medical live in caregiver. I never asked Mom for a dime. and now that she is gone, the inheritance comes to around $150,000.00 to be split 4 ways. nobody wants to give me a PENNY for my 5 years, much less a dime. perish the thought. I have an appointment with an attorney next wednesday. we'll SEE how much they are gonna pay me, now that all the brotherly love and acts of kindness are shown in their true light, as in non existent. I'm gonna suggest 300 grand to my lawyer. I will write back and keep y'all abreast of theis dysfunctional family and it's sordid shenanigans
Izabella, I agree with others that you need to reclaim your life. You need a few years without stress to beat the cancer. Stress is terrible for the immune system and you need to concentrate on yourself and pulling you nest of children and husband back in. It is not selfish to do this. We can take care of our parents without having to be there all the time. There are so many options. Right now you need to take care of you. The family meeting sounds like a good place to start.
Nancy, you sound like you are being worn down by having so much dumped on you with no support from the outside. Don't you love these families we're in? When I read what you wrote, the idea occurred to me that caregiving doesn't have to be all or nothing. I wondered if there was some way to provide some temporary care for your mother, maybe even turning it into a permanent situation if she is happy with it.
I realize that it is a lot easier to type these things than it is to actually do them. Sometimes I think that it is cruel that elder care typically falls on the shoulder of one child. (cmag, it gives me heart to see there is the occasional male.) I would not be surprised that within dysfunctional families, the care falls on the shoulders of the one that was treated the worst.
cmag, I adopted names for the roles played in my family some years back. My oldest brother was the black sheep, the next brother was the golden boy, and I was the kicking boy/sacrificial lamb. My Johnny-come-lately little brother was "the last hope." He was like a separate family. My mother favored the black sheep, which is what probably destroyed him. She let him so whatever he pleased to the sacrificial lamb to placate him. She even admitted this later. She said that the brother would get so mad that it just seemed easier to let him tear me down daily. When he drank himself to death 6 years ago, the only thing I thought was that I wished he had died a long, long time ago. Growing up with him was terrible.
It is difficult to fathom, but our parents cast up into family roles, often for their own convenience or satisfaction. In my case, it was easier for my mother to let me deal with my brother than it was for her to deal with him. To this day she feels no guilt. It was just convenient. (This reminds me of something she said the other day, that I would be the one to bathe my father because I was convenient. She doesn't realize yet how inconvenient I've become.) If it becomes too hard for me, I'll be out the door in a minute. There are too many options.
I guess my thinking about this made me know what you are going through. We are not the only option for our parents. We might be convenient for them, but this convenience thing goes two ways. Often in dysfunctional families, caring only goes in one direction, so we have to care for ourselves.
I didn't mean to write such a book. All of these things are just on my mind tonight.
I appreciate the advice given to me about placing my mom in another living situation... I have looked into assisted living, but I cannot afford it.. I do think she would benifit greatly from an assisted living type of enviornment.. because she is so very needy.. and she would love to have her own place to do things her way and yet still have the care she needs..but everyone I have looked into is to exspensive.. and as far as a nursing home well that would kill her..I already know she would be calling me daily crying to get her out of there.. So I do feel so stuck.. Last nite I just broke down.. I cried enough for a whole year.. I am in pain from my surgery.. and my mom is not feeling well.. so I have to get her to the Dr.. and not one Dr.. she has several..one for each aliment..and then tests need to be done.. I just cannot recover properly from any of my surgeries because I have to take care of Mom.. All day yesterday and Im sure today will be no different it was non-stop nursing my mom.. so needless to say by the time I got her to bed I was physically and emotionally drained.. And through this all my one son is sick.. he may need brain surgery.. so I have to be there for him first and foremost.. I ask God to please reach his hand out to help someway make something easier.. but Ive been asking for so long I have given up on that.. They say God helps those who help themselves.. well what if you cant help yourself? I hope today brings peace and happiness to us all..
I will go back to the cooking episode where you took a little time for yourself. Your mum, knowing ahead of time what effect it would have on her, phoned your sister, got upset - predictably, and used that to call you away from your time for you, to take her BP, talk her down etc, Izabella, don't you see that she arranged this to be sure that your attention was centered on her? Narcissists will drag you into their world using whatever means possible, This is called emotional blackmail. Consider how else that could have been dealt with. Spend 10 mins with mum over whatever the problem is - remember they do not want to solve the problem often, just use it to get your attention, and then tell mum, firmly, that you need time for you - whether it is to cook, or as right now, to heal, and go to your quiet place and ignore all calling out etc from her. Tell her you will be back to check on her in an hour, or whatever you decide and be firm, and do not cave in to her need for attention. She has you believing that she would not survive without all your attention centered on her. I doubt that is the case, Wean her off this continual attention which is not doing either of you any good, Think of a spoiled child and how to deal with them, I have had to ignore multiple emails from my mother as she would have me emailng her 20 times a day, solving little problems that really don't exist etc, or that she brings on herself thus taking up all my time. Apparently you have no boundaries that your mum respects. Then you have to establish them and keep them firm. No one can do that for you. Be aware that when you take time for yourself, your mum's demands will increase. That is how narcissism works, it is as if she is addicted to your attention, and in a way she is, and you keep giving her her "fixes". That is not healthy for either of you. I would think that some counselling would be helpful for you (or anyone else dealing with a narcissistic person) to set some boundaries and get your life back in balance. I say that having gotten counselling over the years for myself and having found it very helpful. The last time was a few months ago in the summer, over a particular situation.
Perhaps a social worker can help you to deal with all of this. Considering your surgery and your son's condition, surely the doctor or hospital has some resources for you, if you tell them how things are at home.
Know my heart goes out to you, as I have been where you are at in terms of thinking that I was chained to my circumstances and could not change anything, had to put up with it, and yet was getting to a point where I could not any more as tthe effects it was having on my physical and mental health were too negative.
Change can heppen, Izabella, but it has to start with you.We are rooting for you!
.
Again, I recommend anyone to google daughtersof narcissisticmothers to find some very helpful explanations and suggestions, You need to now what you are dealing with, before you can deal with it successfully.
The guilt is a hard one, but you need, for your own good, to let it go. You are going above and beyond the call of duty, and NOTHING, dear one, NOTHING that happens to your mum will be your fault. She is gettng older and health problems will arise and, eventually, as with all of us, one day she will pass. None of us are perfect, and no one in their right mind expects you to be perfect, and to be there all the time for some one else. You can't, nor can anyone else. One thing that has helped me is others telling me that I have gone the second mile, and have done more than was expected. The narcissistic mum will always make you feel that you are failing her, and not doing enough for her - from childhood on. Remember, it is a mental illness. You are not failing her, and, in fact, you have done too much for her, and not enough for yourself. If you are having trouble with the guilt, as you say, just come here and others, I am sure, as well as I, will tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I wish I had understood about narcissism sooner too. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. I was trying to please my mum, at my own expense, and that is an impossible task, while my sis did nothing and was the preferred child - the golden girl. This is a typical pattern with narcissists. You will find so much on daughtersof narcissisticmothers.
A book, which is good, and I recommend it to any caregiver and certainly to anyone with a narcissist in the family, is "When the Body Says No" by Gabor Mate. I think your body is saying "No" and it is time for you to cooperate with what your body is telling you. It is not the end of the world if your mum has to go on medicaid, and into a nursing home or some such alternative, and it would be a new beginning for you and your family. Just pick one that is good and visit her regularly. I got my mum a live-in seniors nanny. That lasted 9 months.The nanny couldn't take it any more, and mother was not getting along with other people in her apartment building, so I moved her into an ALF of her choice and that lasted 6 months, and she had a battle with a nurse. So I moved her into a second ALF (again her choice), and then told her if she could not manage there it would be a nursing home. I think, even at her age, she would happily have moved every 6 months. She likes change. My life would be have occupied fully with moving her, and all the changes and adjustments that happen with a move. It would have used up her money faster than staying in one place and I am 74 and have my own health issues to deal with. Now she has much to complain about where she is, but she will always complain. Like you, I used to attend to every little concern. Now I have decided that I will only pay attention if I know it is something serious. She will be 100 soon, and no one lives forever, (I hope ;)). An example here - a few days ago I got a phone call from the ALF nurse, and 3 emails from mother as she had a 1 cm cut on her finger. Each email complained that no one was coming to put a new band aid on it, and one email sent at 7:45 complained that the person who was supposed to come with her breakfast at 8 was not there yet. I had to laugh at the extent to which she would go for attention. I would not fight with your mum about taking her medication. She gets attention that way. She can still make her own choices. She doesn't have dementia - but narcissism. Have the doctor tell her the consequences of not taking the meds, remind her once what the doctor has said, and then let it go. Her choice! My mother was flitting around between doctors, and then complaining about her blood pressure going up because she was being treated badly at the ALF. I told her to find one good doctor and stick with them, as otherwise the doc would not have a good picture of her, and would not be able to reat her properly. She did.
Know I care, Izabella and my prayers, and I am sure those of others are with you. I have found that God will not do for me what I can do for myself. God is hearing your prayers and He loves you. He wants you to have a better life, I am sure of that, but I believe that He wants you to make some of the changes yourself. He tells us to love others, as ourselves, but not more than, Some times that is hard.
((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) Joan
"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry."--Psalm40:1
My mother kept in her hands and hid various documents related to one that I signed back in 1990. It was a trust agreement in which my grandmother gave me various plots of land to hold in trust for my mother. I knew my mother did not want my step-dad to know about this trust agreement, but she should have given these papers to me as the named trustee.
I got hold of this document and the related deeds back in 2009 when my mother's world fell completely apart and I discovered what a terrible past due taxes situation that she and my step-dad were in as far back as 2004. My focus then was on those taxes which have been solved.
These plots of land are also part of my grandmother's estate which my two aunts also own sections of. The estate had an opportunity to make some money by selling just a little bit of one part of one farm.
So, in 2011 this sale was made. I told the atty. that I was trustee which he already new, but instead of writing the check to the trust that I am trustee of, he wrongly wrote it to me which I put in my mother's account for it was her's. Instead of doing that and reporting it on a K-1, he reported this to the IRS on a 1099-S which wrongly makes me liable for capital gains tax.
The CPA who works for my aunt was not aware of this trust. I informed him by e-mail what took place last year. He asked for a copy of the 1099-S. I faxed that to him plus a copy of the trust agreement.
He informed me of the atty.'s mistakes and told me how to get out of it.
He also told me that when that trust was formed, the IRS should have been informed and a special trust number requested so that we could report any gains that the land had gained for each year since 1990. I remember singing the trust agreement, but I had not idea what else that meant. BTW, my mother did the same thing with the Medical and Durable POA's that she had made in 2002 which meant in 2009 that we got two new ones which was a waste of money.
One problem that complicated all of this was my going on disability in 2003 due to my bipolar disorder.
My mother also hid from me her long term care insurance policy with all of its riders about having care at home before needing to go to assisted living or a nursing home.
Thus, she missed an opportunity to use which would have saved her much money that was stolen from her and my step-dad by a hired caretaker who was not licensed, plus they would not hear of having a licensed person.
We have another sell of land coming up in 2012 and this time I'm going to insist that the atty. does it correctly or request the family finds another atty.
At least now, I have this in hand, but like I say, I don't like finding out about this type of thing in arrears. Now I can complete my own taxes and help my sons fill in their FASFA forms with information from my return.
Finding this site is an answer to my prayers. I'm a very new caregiver ... mom came to live with us New Year's Day and I've been crying almost everyday. She has stage 2 dementia but it's the narcissistic behavior that's upsetting me most of all. Her presence has opened all of the childhood wounds of constant verbal abuse.
She has always been this way but I haven't had to live with it for the past 35 years and don't want to go down that road again. Reading your posts lets me know that even though I'm an only child I'm not alone in this challenge. God bless all of you.