
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
susie - welcome. - Sounds like you have the ISB thing worked out. Glad you can handle it and that the hordes of imaginary visitors have disappeared. Take care of you, now.
susan - good luck with getting rid of the monster entertainment center. Basement flooding, once 4 years ago, and 3x this summer has served a purpose in terms of getting rid of stuff I don't need. That's enough now as long as I am in the house.
Warmer here, thank goodness - 1 F, feels like minus 13 F and snowing, but warmer...
No flooding in my area and it won't unless the levees break. There is flooding north in Thornton, Sacramento area and in the coastal wine region as the Russian river over flowed into the grape vineyards.
Catch up later, sick and ache all over can't stay awake for more than a couple hours then fall asleep for 2-3 hours.
susie - just saw that you all have found an NH. That is great. Hope the transition goes well. Let us know how it goes.
pamz - don''t know what the bar is. The most recent post, is now is page 1 not on the last post. Check the links on your "news feed", "following", and "activity" and a;so on the main Aging Care page. It is going to take a bit of getting used to for sure. The time stamp seems to be off as you can post and it says you posted 2 hrs ago.
Update, found the EDIT FEATURE, WHOOHOO HOOK! STILL DON'T LIKE IT!
Now the edit feature seems to have disappeared for me.
I hate this new format. I don't know if I'm coming or going in more than one way😬
Can you get an opinion from your doctor and specialist that having any major role in your mother's care giving is too stressful for your health? As I remember you have serious health issues. Why should they get off the hook and dump all this on you?
If she were to be placed in facility near you, I would only agree to do with with a restraining order against bad bro and his family. I can't remember the details about who had and has POA medical and financial. Why can't she be placed in a facility near your bros'? This is so unreasonable. (((((((hugs)))))) and prayers
My advice is to stand your ground. You have a right to have your own life and you cannot be forced to be your mother's hands-on caregiver at the loss of your own well being. You have not abandoned your mother. Resign medical POA asap. I believe it's for the best, though I appreciate how this situation must weigh on you.
I'm so sorry. If you are POA for anything, resign it quickly. Obviously, bro's both realize you are helpful, and they'll still keep you informed if anything happens with your mom (if only to try to make you feel guilty about it.)
I'm sorry. That really stinks that your bro lives next door and wants to call APS on you. Oof. Jerk... :-(
Are you DPOA for both medical and financial? Are you concerned that if you resign, either bro will take all the funds and do none of the care?
I can understand that difficult situation, and I don't have good advice. You can place your mother in the state she currently lives in. You don't have to bring her to your location.
I'm just posting things as they come to mind. Hope any bit of it is helpful. I don't like it at all that your bros are attempting to force you to hands-on care for your mom. That is a gift that we give to our elders, as we are able, and it's not healthy or wise for everyone, clearly.
Yes, your mum has bought into this and been a willing player and is reaping what she has sown.
Be sure to look after yourself and don't let this take over your life again. ((((((((((hugs)))))))
She went off about all she does for me. She has never really grasped that I pay about half the bills. She doesn't make enough to cover both of us. She can't understand that I am only there because she wants to stay in the house and that she doesn't support me. No matter how often I tell her, it doesn't register. She always reduces me to dependent child status. That totally p*sses me off. It is bad to be giving so much only to be accused of taking.
She went on to tell me I didn't have to stay, that she would be fine all by herself. And no, she wouldn't go into assisted living. She would be fine by herself. I know that isn't true, because I have to do everything for her short of breathing, eating, and watching TV.
Your first comment, JB, made me think about how my dad has treated me during the time I was living with him, caring for him, getting him through all these surgeries and infections. (I've heard him verbally take credit for seeking out a 2nd opinion from his current neurologist... and I just roll my eyes a little and carry on. I was the one who fought to get him a 2nd chance at getting off catheter after VA said there was no more they could do for him.) To hear him tell it -- he's incredibly active in his own life and care, even as he spends Every Single Day in bed watching TV.
He also treated me badly, the opposite of appreciative, often so angry at me just for reminding him of a doctor's appointment or something else. But now that he's living with bro in bro's house for 6 months, he's much nicer to me. I think there is something to that idea of "false pride." If our parents admit how much we're doing, then they have to admit that they are incapable of living on their own, that we are giving up our lives to help them. Having clarity about the situation means they have to admit they are getting way more than they're giving -- and for whatever reason, they don't want to admit that to themselves, much less to us as their caregiver.
I have sympathy for my dad and elders who are losing independence in general, but... I also think that much of the mistreatment of a hands on, descendant caregiver is based on the elder's desire to hold onto their own ego.
Hope everyone's having a decent start to the day! I spent about 30-40 minutes de-icing the car (to drive 10 mins to train station) only to be told to not come in, stay put. It doesn't look very safe out, so it's for the best to stay here.
Edit: Seems it appears for a few minutes after posting, then goes away. It's common for comment boards to have limited time allowance to make Edits.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
heart - I am glad you are cutting back to dealing with needs as opposed to wants. I bet her tears are crocodile tears. You need some time for you, otherwise you, or anyone, loses them self in the demands of others. Build up your own life as much as you can apart from your mum I know it isn't easy.
sharyn and margeaux - hope you both are feeling better from your bugs. Rest and chicken soup help.
glad - how is the packing and house hunting going?
guest -you make some good points. If upset has control of the finances then mum can't gift any more. It is a horrible situation to be in, but, I think better than what was where bad bro bro was able to money or jewelery grab pretty freely.
upset - hope your meeting went well. Let us now. I feel so badly for you, but at least you are playing in your own court this time. Set some strong boundaries. It is horrible what family will do to one another and all based on greed. When my sis said she would help mother move to an inferior and cheaper ALF, she still expected me to do all the work, she was just there to tell people off and side with mother who was well into dementia by that time. When I said I would not help as I knew this move was not in mother's best interests, she got nasty with me. For her it was all about a cheaper facility and giving mother the impression that she cared for her. Not! She wanted a bigger inheritance.
Minus 39 when I woke up and some strong wind gusts and 67% humidity. The temp is rising but still too cold for me. I have an appointment with my counselor and will see if I can do it over the telephone. I am tired today and don't want to go out - just want to sleep!!!