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ali - I believe they are working on links to the posts on the news feed page. I hope so

susie  - welcome. - Sounds like you have  the ISB thing worked out. Glad you can handle it and that the hordes of imaginary visitors have disappeared. Take care of you, now.

susan  - good luck with getting rid of the monster entertainment center. Basement flooding, once 4 years ago, and 3x this summer has served a purpose in terms of getting rid of stuff I don't need. That's enough now as long as I am in the house.

Warmer here, thank goodness -  1 F, feels like minus 13 F and snowing, but warmer...
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There is no order to the posts. If I press on last, it takes me to the beginning of the thread. I am not liking this.

No flooding in my area and it won't unless the levees break. There is flooding north in Thornton, Sacramento area and in the coastal wine region as the Russian river over flowed into the grape vineyards.

Catch up later, sick and ache all over can't stay awake for more than a couple hours then fall asleep for 2-3 hours.
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I can't find a "last" button! And I have a bar across the center of the page...
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sharyn - sorry you are sick, Sleep is The best thing. Hope you get over it soon.

susie - just saw that you all have found an NH. That is great. Hope the transition goes well. Let us know how it goes.

pamz - don''t know what the bar is. The most recent post, is now is page 1 not on the last post. Check the links on your "news feed", "following", and "activity" and a;so on the main Aging Care page. It is going to take a bit of getting used to for sure. The time stamp seems to be off as you can post and it says you posted 2 hrs ago.
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I don;t even have a time stamp!! This hates me!!
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Testing Testing 123
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I don't like this! Can't figure out which way to go, bottom to the top, next vs last, huh, and where is the edit feature you all are talking about? Grrrr!


Update, found the EDIT FEATURE, WHOOHOO HOOK!  STILL DON'T LIKE IT! 
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by time stamp, I mean right under your name saying "about an hour ago"

Now the edit feature seems to have disappeared for me.
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There it is -only on my most recent post.
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Got my fixed. Now is there a plumber/repairman who can turn off my dys family. Today I got a call at work from a senior services social worker in Maine inquiring about why I abandoned my Mom in Ohio. My bad brother reported me to the elder abuse unit in OH for abandoning my Mom and placing her at risk. I explained the whole story to the social worker here. Apparently, since I had medical POA I shouldn't have her. I explained that my brother lived next door to her, etc. I finally an eldercare lawyer here in that the EAP at hospital recommended. Explained the whole situation to him. He made a bunch of calls to both brothers, elder Abuse Services in Ohio and Maine etc. 'My brother says he will drop the matter if I bring Mom to my house and do my duty. Same with OH elder services. Elder Services here says they will help me if I bring her here with getting her in assisted living or at the Pavillon on Aging. My younger brother wants no responsibility, bad brother and SIL don't want her without control of her money. I want to hide under a blanket. I have an appointment at my work Employee Assistance Program. I hope that they have some answers for me. I feel like I'm trapped in a maze I can't get out of. Now my Mom just called crying. Is there no hope?

I hate this new format. I don't know if I'm coming or going in more than one way😬
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I am "upset" for you, this has gone far beyond ridiculous. Can you divorce your family? Make your mother a ward of the state? Have you formally resigned your medical POA? I think you need a better lawyer.
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(((((((upset)))))) glad your toilet is fixed but very unhappy about the turn of events. Bad bro is really evil isn't he? I am sorry that good bro will not take any responsibility. I fail to see when both of them will take no responsibility that it automatically falls on your shoulders. I can't remember who has financial or medical POA. Frankly, you could bring a counter complaint against him and good bro for refusing to help your mum though they live nearby. I kind of agree with cwillie -get another legal opinion and consider ward of the state as an option.

Can you get an opinion from your doctor and specialist that having any major role in your mother's care giving is too stressful for your health? As I remember you have serious health issues. Why should they get off the hook and dump all this on you?

If she were to be placed in facility near you, I would only agree to do with with a restraining order against bad bro and his family. I can't remember the details about who had and has POA medical and financial. Why can't she be placed in a facility near your bros'? This is so unreasonable. (((((((hugs)))))) and prayers
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Upset, you can do medical POA from another state/location. My cousin did his entire guardianship of my grandmother from another state; his sister did hers up until time of sis's death for 10 years or so from 1500 miles away... You do not have to take in your mother. Your a-hole bro is keeping this riled up so that you are forced to take care of your mother, so he doesn't have to lift a finger. (That's my guess... seems accurate...)

My advice is to stand your ground. You have a right to have your own life and you cannot be forced to be your mother's hands-on caregiver at the loss of your own well being. You have not abandoned your mother. Resign medical POA asap. I believe it's for the best, though I appreciate how this situation must weigh on you.

I'm so sorry. If you are POA for anything, resign it quickly. Obviously, bro's both realize you are helpful, and they'll still keep you informed if anything happens with your mom (if only to try to make you feel guilty about it.)

I'm sorry. That really stinks that your bro lives next door and wants to call APS on you. Oof. Jerk... :-(
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I was about to suggest an alternative, Upset, but no, screw that. You do not have to take in your mother, or move her to your new location, period. If you Want to do that, and believe that you will receive help from your state's Dept of Aging to place your mother... that's your choice. But... you've seen what happens already.

Are you DPOA for both medical and financial? Are you concerned that if you resign, either bro will take all the funds and do none of the care?

I can understand that difficult situation, and I don't have good advice. You can place your mother in the state she currently lives in. You don't have to bring her to your location.
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Ugh I am reading backward to go forward. Where did everyone go? Loving the edit function, finally after years of asking.
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Ali, Golden I'm going to the meeting tomorrow am. With my Employee Assistance Program. They will make most of the arrangements to bring Mom to Maine and arrangements for her care. Brothers will not be permitted to visit without my approval and under supervision at the Pavilion on Aging. My brothers are a pain and I am totally done with them. I have medical POA; younger brother has financial POA and is going to courthouse to change tomorrow morning. My brothers children will not be allowed either. Because of all the problems in the family, the hospital program says that I will be made her guardian. I talked my mom this evening. Since the whole jewelry episode and the calls rom the bank about my niece's mortgage payments, I think my Mom is realizing on some level how bad my bro is. Bad bro told her he had no time for her and wasn't going to take care of her. Younger brother told her he didn't want to be responsible. I told her that I would only help with her finances and medical care. As far as personal, I told her I would visit, but absolutely no drama with the rest of the family. She seems defeated, but I don't feel sorry for her. She is just as much at fault as anyone.
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Upset, there is another option to seek compensation -- through a caregiver agreement -- so at least you aren't being used as the family's servant for the caregiving need. The Elder Law atty you've already spoken with can advise you on how to set up a caregiving agreement. If mom is really that unhappy, and feels you are the ONLY one that can provide care, then try to make a fair arrangement so that you aren't used as free labor.

I'm just posting things as they come to mind. Hope any bit of it is helpful. I don't like it at all that your bros are attempting to force you to hands-on care for your mom. That is a gift that we give to our elders, as we are able, and it's not healthy or wise for everyone, clearly.
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upset - you are taking the bull by the horns which is what you have to do if you are to be involved, as you have some control over the situation. Are you OK with being guardian? I totally agree that you have to keep bad bro and family away for your protection. Like it or not, your mother does need an advocate and someone to manage her financial and medical matters. I do this for my mother at a distance and keep away from my sis as much as possible which is pretty well no contact. I do not answer the phone to her or emails.

Yes, your mum has bought into this and been a willing player and is reaping what she has sown.

Be sure to look after yourself and don't let this take over your life again. ((((((((((hugs)))))))
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After some weeks of peace around the house, my mother switched back to her narcissistic self today. She wants me to clean the carpets. I told her we needed to get a housekeeper to come in each week, because the house is too much for me to handle alone. Mom said, "Well, I can do the dusting." She said we weren't going to get a housekeeper and that I could do things. I told her I didn't see having my retirement years spent as her domestic. It was getting nasty, though true.

She went off about all she does for me. She has never really grasped that I pay about half the bills. She doesn't make enough to cover both of us. She can't understand that I am only there because she wants to stay in the house and that she doesn't support me. No matter how often I tell her, it doesn't register. She always reduces me to dependent child status. That totally p*sses me off. It is bad to be giving so much only to be accused of taking.

She went on to tell me I didn't have to stay, that she would be fine all by herself. And no, she wouldn't go into assisted living. She would be fine by herself. I know that isn't true, because I have to do everything for her short of breathing, eating, and watching TV.
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Gosh Jessie... I swear we're going through the same scenario... It's all so exhausting, isn't it?!... I finally just s t o p p e d 'doing' any 'extras' (like joining her to watch a movie or Jepardy... ). Because it goes unappreciated, because it eats up all my time, because the more I do the worse it gets, because it's making me sick, because she'll never seem to get it... because.... she thinks I'm a bad daughter/person... while her sons bask in actually 'having' and are 'living' their lives without helping her at all or even acknowledging me... I understand completely... so, tonight she cried... and, of coarse, it breaks my heart... but, I stayed away... because I have to break this circle... 'just' helping her with all her daily things is an all day chore... So, I'll continue to help when she 'really' needs help, but I have to,pull myself away and together, because I'm sinking... it's hard... my heart breaks... but, I hope/pray I can live with myself later... you know?... I understand Jess... i soooooooo understand.... and, I'm here for you...
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Heart, what I see is a lot of false pride. I think she really believes the things in her head, because it would be hard to accept the truth. I really don't think she sees me at all as a daughter, but as a domestic she is paying upkeep on.
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Upset, my biggest concern in this plan is that your mother's monies that she gave your brother will disqualify her for any Medicaid assistance and you will be expected to pay the difference. If you have a pack of money sitting around to pay for her care, that's fine; but if you end up depleting your finances to take care of your mother you will be in sad shape later if you need Medicaid as you will have gifted to your mother. I am just sad that you are in this position. I would not trust that your mother will not continue trying to see the relatives or give them money. If she's not been judged incompetent, that is a legal road that will cost money and time too. Just holding good thoughts for you. This time it's your choice to take things on and your responsibility going forward.
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Jessie, Heart ~ about the "false pride"...

Your first comment, JB, made me think about how my dad has treated me during the time I was living with him, caring for him, getting him through all these surgeries and infections. (I've heard him verbally take credit for seeking out a 2nd opinion from his current neurologist... and I just roll my eyes a little and carry on. I was the one who fought to get him a 2nd chance at getting off catheter after VA said there was no more they could do for him.) To hear him tell it -- he's incredibly active in his own life and care, even as he spends Every Single Day in bed watching TV.

He also treated me badly, the opposite of appreciative, often so angry at me just for reminding him of a doctor's appointment or something else. But now that he's living with bro in bro's house for 6 months, he's much nicer to me. I think there is something to that idea of "false pride." If our parents admit how much we're doing, then they have to admit that they are incapable of living on their own, that we are giving up our lives to help them. Having clarity about the situation means they have to admit they are getting way more than they're giving -- and for whatever reason, they don't want to admit that to themselves, much less to us as their caregiver.

I have sympathy for my dad and elders who are losing independence in general, but... I also think that much of the mistreatment of a hands on, descendant caregiver is based on the elder's desire to hold onto their own ego.
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Ice storm here this morning, and it's Frozen World outside. I tried to go to work, was encouraged to stay put, so here I am! I'll find PLENTY around the house to do, I'm sure. :-)

Hope everyone's having a decent start to the day! I spent about 30-40 minutes de-icing the car (to drive 10 mins to train station) only to be told to not come in, stay put. It doesn't look very safe out, so it's for the best to stay here.
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Where'd the Edit button go? Want to change "neurologist" to "urologist," haha!

Edit:  Seems it appears for a few minutes after posting, then goes away.  It's common for comment boards to have limited time allowance to make Edits.  
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What happened to the old format? Can we still go backwards to previous posts?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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jessie - I am so sorry your mother has reverted to type. Sometimes dementia softens the personality. Narcs see some of their children as servants with no needs of their own. They always have to see themselves as superior. I am glad you stood up to her. I think they believe what they want to.

heart - I am glad you are cutting back to dealing with needs as opposed to wants. I bet her tears are crocodile tears. You need some time for you, otherwise you, or anyone, loses them self in the demands of others. Build up your own life as much as you can apart from your mum I know it isn't easy.

sharyn and margeaux - hope you both are feeling better from your bugs. Rest and chicken soup help.

glad - how is the packing and house hunting going?

guest -you make some good points. If upset has control of the finances then mum can't gift any more. It is a horrible situation to be in, but, I think better than what was where bad bro bro was able to money or jewelery grab pretty freely.

upset - hope your meeting went well. Let us now. I feel so badly for you, but at least you are playing in your own court this time. Set some strong boundaries. It is horrible what family will do to one another and all based on greed. When my sis said she would help mother move to an inferior and cheaper ALF, she still expected me to do all the work, she was just there to tell people off and side with mother who was well into dementia by that time. When I said I would not help as I knew this move was not in mother's best interests, she got nasty with me. For her it was all about a cheaper facility and giving mother the impression that she cared for her. Not! She wanted a bigger inheritance.

Minus 39 when I woke up and some strong wind gusts and 67% humidity. The temp is rising but still too cold for me. I have an appointment with my counselor and will see if I can do it over the telephone. I am tired today and don't want to go out - just want to sleep!!!
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margeaux - you can go back to see old posts. Tales a bit of getting used to.
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I am going to the dr tomorrow afternoon. Temp this morning was 102.2. I think I have a flu.
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Hello SharynMarie! Get well soon.
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