notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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If your hubs needs, really needs to talk to someone like this, get him the number of someone already incarcerated who needs someone to talk to.
It is after the holidays now, and the calls may subside with your hubs stopping the encouragement.
How about some sand bags placed strategically? I once called the Army Corp of Engineers, who unofficially sent out an expert whom I paid to place the bags to prevent a heavy rain from seeping in under the walls at the foundation. It helped, was not too expensive.
I recommend us all to read back a ways so as not to miss
some important updates.
My new desk calendar doesn't show the moon cycles but I can tell you it impacts the folks at the hotel California and not in a good way - aaaack
Thanks for the well wishes.
I started to feel this over a week ago. Our temps have been going to a really cold point, before it rains. So I'm sure that my sinuses have been taking a hit in the process.
But honestly........I can't believe my husband! My being under the weather, doesn't seem to phase him in the least. He doesn't ask me how I'm feeling, not whether I need anything, etc. We'd run super low on groceries. Now I'm usually the one who goes out to do some shopping when ever this happens. But I was feeling so out of it, that I was kind of hoping he'd offer to go get a few things. NO. Oh.......& he still expected for me to make some kind of dinner, especially a few nights last week when I was just dragging my body around. Thee only reason I did too is because I felt weak, and knew I'd better get some kind of food into my system. Oh boy, it's times like these that the phrase, "in sickness & in health comes up in my head."
Boy, I never behave like that, if the tables are turned!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Annette - I'm not clear on what you're asking help with. Sounds like it might be that you're asking input on senior transportation services that would get your mom to a local senior center for companionship and activities for her, is that correct? Welcome!
You have the "finished basement", which is completely liveable - no leaks, no dampness, just a nice liveable room with egress windows in case of fire or emergency that prevents you using the stairs to get out. Lots of people use them for recreation rooms or such.
Then you have the regular old "basement", which is more of a utility room, usually with cinderblock walls and a concrete floor, which might leak a bit now and then, but is dry enough for storage, as long as you don't leave anything on the floor. This basement doesn't usually have egress windows (sometimes no windows at all) and you don't want anyone living in it. Most people put their water heater, washer and dryer and furnace in these basements, but they put them up on cinderblocks or some sort of platform to keep them dry in case of a flood.
The final basement is a "Michigan basement", which is literally just a hole in the ground under the house. It might have a hard-panked dirt floor and stone walls, but it's not liveable and floods on a regular basis. Seeing the words "Michigan basement" in any real estate description should send you running in the other direction - especially if there are any appliances down there like a furnace or water heater. They won't last long in that sort of basement.
I have the 2nd type - cinderblock walls, concrete floor and wee little vent-style windows that you'd have to be a very thin 2-year-old child in order to squeeze through. Believe it or not, at one point, all of us kids lived in that basement when we were young. Mom said it was always a nightmare for her, because she was always afraid if there was a fire, we'd never get out, because the only way out was the stairs. There was no way we'd get out the windows. When the city screwed up the sewer system, they caused raw sewage to back up into the house through the shower that's in the basement. Came right up through the drain and put 4" of raw sewage in the basement. The city fought tooth and nail on that with Dad and he ended up doing the cleanup himself. The basement has flooded multiple times and still leaks to this day, despite multiple attempts by my parents to have it sealed. The same paneling is on the walls today that was on the walls then, so God only knows what's behind it. Mold, I suspect. If I can ever afford it, I'll have the basement taken right down to the cinderblock, sealed and a new ceiling put in all the rooms. It's a mess down there. Holes in the ceiling where the hot water pipes for the new furnace were installed, water stains and mildew on the ceiling where old water leaks occurred and were fixed...ugh. I'll be glad to get it all fixed - or sell the house as-is. One or the other.
Hoping *not* to hear anything hit the house tonight.
The basement here is half and half: about 400-500sf of finished area and a larger area that's unfinished storage, laundry, a simple stall shower/mud room/kind of thing.
Water damage in a basement is a problem. I agree with stripping it down to cinderblock and cleaning it up as a good first step. Let new owners finish how they want if you don't need the extra finished square footage. Demolition is always much cheaper than rehabbing! :-)
Stacey, Sorry you're having problem with your scammer brother. You are right about wanting no part of him and wife #9.
Ali, You do have a way the the men. I needed a plumber today to repair a running toilet. Turned off the water to toilet. Plumber comes early tomorrow morning.
I do have a way with toilets, and I'd fix yours (probably) if I were there. :-D
My dad has his electronic keyboard to play, and it never needs tuning. I've asked my dad a few times about finding another home for his piano. He said he doesn't care. I'll check with him one more time before I put it on Craigslist, but... I see pianos on there often and I don't think many people want old pianos. I can try.
Hubby and I have spoken about how we will approach the subject of my FIL going into Senior housing, and how he will TELL his 2 siblings, but apparently it came up in conversation quite naturally, and boy oh boy, BIL took the ball and run with it!
After hearing a bit more of the story, my husband all ready told him, that the Old Man would never leave Seattle, us, or move in with either of his other 2 kids, he's to old, and set in his ways, and would never leave his family here, his Grandchildren, Great-grandchildren, or his final resting place, end of, Period!
BIL, continued with his ideas of how he thought that this could work, his Dad coming to live with him and wife #9, and wanted to discuss the idea with his wife. Hubby told him his marriage would be over in a month, if the Old Man came to live with him. I honestly think my husband was getting a kick, out of hearing that hmmm, my brother is actually thinking about how he could help us out, but he know d*mn well, it's a rediculous idea, and would Never Work! Its all about how it would benefit him $$$!
It was Me, that said that BIL is only thinking about the Old Man's money, but hey, if it were a viable solution, I'd jump all over it, but it is not, and I would Never Allow such a thing!
Neither of my husband's siblings have ever show this man, their Dad, an ounce of compassion or kindness, in all the years he's been with us, so what's to think he would start now? Money is the Only thing, as their relationship has been contentious the entire 32 years I've been involved in this family. Oh No, it will not happen over my dead body, and my FIL will Never hear of this foolishness, Never! It would be too painful, feeling like we were shoving him out, No Way!!
I think my husband initially, was playing along, just to see how far he would go with this idea, Never giving him the any reason to believe it could work, but I do have to think, that my husband was getting a kick out of seeing how far he would take it.
I told my husband that it was sick and twisted to go along, but again I have to put myself in his shoes and say 13 Years, when is it my brother's turn to take care of him? Ne never encouraged him, and in fact Discouraged him, but when my BIL gets something in his head, he goes 100 miles an hour, looking for the big Payoff! Not going to happen here, I assure you!
I have Shut it Down, on my end, and hubby promises me he will Shut it Down, next time he calls!
Interesting enough, when my hubby called him back last night, as he requested that he do, my BIL, was unavailable to speak, which tells me his #9 bride (I just Love to say that, Lol), Shut Him Down on their end, as he always put my husband on speaker, so his wife can hear the conversation. He's trying to prove to his wife, that he had miraculously healed his fractured relationship with his brother, my husband. He doesn't understand that he is merely tolerated.
He knows my husband would never say anything incriminating about him over the phone, my husband just isn't cruel like that.
Send, we can't change our number, we've had it for 25 years! And hubby won't block his brothers calls, as he IS Apparently Sick, and needs to be accessible to information both ways regarding my FIL and his health own issues.
My husband really does walk a fine line, keeping the lines of communication open. He never would cut his Dad off, from receiving calls or info from his other kids. He's good like that, but unfortunately leaves him open to also deal with all of their BS.
Tune in next time, These are the Days of our Lives!
I unloaded a Huge box of Craft things around Halloween, when we were going gung-ho on our downsizing kick. We need to start back up, but the weather is kind of a drag, as you often leave things outside, for porch pickup. Plus I've been extremely lazy! Grrr, gotta kick my own butt, and get going again!
margeaux - get better and why not ask your hub to pick up a few groceries.
glad - hope you are feeling more comfortable about your situation
susan - you have lots of challenges right now. Hope dd and her fam find somewhere for themselves soon. Lots of us are having wind, precipitation and basement issues.
sharyn - glad midget is feeling better. Will the flooding affect you?
upset - hope you get your plumbing fixed.
annette - welcome - your mum sounds like a sweetie, but aging is catching up on her. It s no fun. Have you talked to the local agency for aging about activities/transportation for your mum?
stacey - soap operas for sure, Sounds like bro is winding down. I hope so. It is such nonsense. Your hub is keeping firm, So hard to get going in this weather!!!
ali - great that you are getting rid of some things, If I was near I might take the piano. I would love to have a small upright. But pianos are heavy to move and take up room. It feels so good every time a piece goes
Starting to get a bit done again. Made a double batch of pea soup which freezes well. I am loving that pressure cooker. Wish I had had one years ago. Got a few more things out of the dining area. Empty plastic bins went out on the back deck. Started sorting some more papers and tools. I don't want to put anything back into the basement until they are finished there. With the weather being so cold, I just want to hunker down with a blanket and a hot drink and catch up in some reading, Take care all and be good to you.
We also had one of those very old 1960's metal wardrobe cabinets down there - I wanted to get it out since the bottom was rusted and it was of no use to me. We tried to haul it up the stairs only to find it wouldn't fit! How on earth it got down there in the first place is a mystery. It's been there for over 40 years. I finally had my brother take a sledgehammer to it, and it *barely* succumbed to that. They were made to last, other than the rust issue!
The wind goes on and on - there's just no break in it at all. Just a constant howl outside the house right now. All area schools have closed for tomorrow already because the temperature is dropping and the back roads (gravel roads) are going to be incredibly icy tomorrow, because they haven't been treated for the snow/sleet that fell today and last night.
I told my sister-in-law that if I had to choose between taking care of ISB (Inappropriate Sexual Behavior) Dad or Hallucinating Dad, I'd choose ISB Dad, because at least I know how to handle that guy. After a year of his antics, I've got my strategy down. So wouldn't you know? After a visit to the doctor and a new anti-depressant med that knocks him asleep at night, Dad has returned to his old ISB self. No hallucinations. I have to laugh at myself, though, for thinking "Thank God" when he put a move on me yesterday morning. Yeah. I prefer that to listening to him grouse about how I and my spouse left him alone with his boss and dozens of people last night so they could wear him out with work!
A year of taking care of Dad in our homes has worn his son and daughter (and their spouses) out. He's getting worse, and his falling looms as an issue. SIL has found a nursing home near her that meets our criteria and we're making plans to move him. Thanks for all the advice we've gotten on this site! The advice to seek an elder care attorney was particularly useful, as we have prepared ahead and have confidence in the next steps.
(However, I just EDITED my comment to add your name, Golden, so there's that! Some silver lining there...)