The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi East Eagle, I'll come back if I have some input, but I also have a jumble of things rolling around in my brain, and darn it you just reminded me that I need to make appt for local Elder Law atty asap. lol

I'll put some of my jumble down and then see if I can't think of something to help with yours.

Hi all, seems like weather is a factor in many people's lives right now. It's quite cold here, but Golden your weather makes me feel almost toasty. ;-) I also quit smoking gradually, and would throw away many packs to try to keep the smoking to a minimum while I was going through my quitting process. I'm glad to be on this side of it all, with no more habit, mess, burned things, etc.

Glad, how are things going with finding a place in new location, when is your timeline to be moved? You may have mentioned but I don't remember.

I had an interesting day yesterday. My art prof friend (AP) and I had planned that I would visit for a few hours up at his house in the city. His car battery had died last Thursday, he was able to get a jump, then wasn't starting again. He's not mechanically inclined, but I told him I'd take a look. Long (LONG) story short, I spent about 4-5 hours replacing his battery because his particular vehicle has a brace bar and an engine fuse box installed above the battery itself. I was able to do the work and his car is running again! I felt happy that all the work paid off and I was able to do something helpful for him, as he's been so helpful to me.

My older bro called me while I was on way to pick up new battery and was barking at me, being rude for no reason. (There was a misunderstanding on both our ends, no biggie, why does he have to bark at me and demean me??) AP heard him through the phone and said after the call that he understood better what I mean when I say that my family is difficult. Lots of people have dysfunction in their families - he is no exception. He's understanding about it. And... I think because I was emboldened by sympathetic AP, I said to him "I'm tired of being this family's doormat," and I called my bro back and left a voicemail to say, basically, "I'm busy, too, and I'm doing a ton of work for the house and for our dad, don't be barking at me when there's no reason for it."

I'm glad I stood up for myself but it's also unnecessary drama that I'm adding, so it's kind of a wash as to whether or not it's a good idea to bother to call him and say "I don't appreciate your attitude." :-/

I'm just sick of his bad attitude towards me when I'm busting my butt doing unpaid work for our dad. I need his time for 2 minutes once a week to tell him about something, and he acts like it's a nuisance. WELL HOW DOES HE THINK I FEEL ABOUT ALL OF IT? lol!!! Grr. The nerve of him to be snarky with me when I need 2 minutes to explain something to him that took ME a couple of hours to work on and figure out this past week, and pertains to dad's Medicaid app in Indiana.

Thanks for reading, letting me vent. :-) Otherwise been a decent weekend.

I talked to hiring manager at rehab company on Friday, and he will be here tomorrow, Monday, to do some work and also to leave me info about the position they have in mind for me (team coordinator) and what it entails. I'll go from there. I told him that I have things that need to be finalized with rehab before I would be comfortable going to a full time work week and I didn't know how quickly he was seeking new hire. He said something about "picking the right people for his company and not so much concerned with when." :-) That made me feel good, I admit. He apparently thinks I'll be a good hire for them. We shall see, one step at a time.

Happy Sunday, all! Hope it's a relaxing, recharging day, or whatever you're up to. (((hugs)))

Boy oh boy, ali and east, wears me out just to read about your brothers! And thankful that the twisteds are now more than a year and a half away!

East, I would find mom a geriatric care manager to help with mom's needs. That would not be a daily or even a weekly thing, only when mom needs help. And, perhaps, bro would become more cooperative if a pro was helping mom. He would want to look good, wouldn't he? I know that worked with the twisteds, they could not let a professional see how detached they were.

Ali, you need to STOP doing things for others. A car battery?! The prof could have easily taken care of this himself. He certainly knows how to call the garage to come change the battery!

Hi All, about quitting smoking, I did quit for 14 months, then about 2 years ago, I started again, Waaa! I did it with a really nice lady as mentor and Smoking Cessation Counselor, who I found in an ad, in one of our local newspapers. She was fantastic, and has now since retired from that position, but became a good friend in the process, and said she will help me again. Thankfully, I still have all of the written materials and my diary notebook, which I will reread, as I prepare myself to do it all again. At least I know that I can do it, and that helps!

Aw, Glad, I do hear what you're saying, but he has come down to my house several times now and has helped with HUGE undertakings, such as cleaning the unfinished storage area of basement (wiping down Everything, vacuuming, mopping), helped me move everything (furniture, big boxes) from garage back to basement. He's been a huge help to me and I was going to be visiting him anyway, just so happens he has a dead battery. We made a "date" of it. He watched the whole time and also turned a few stubborn bolts for me, haha. We ordered food delivered, had a couple of drinks during the work, laughed and made jokes about how crazy it is that his car battery is buried under extra stuff... and it wasn't a bad time at all. He said to me when I left that it was my turn to pick my next project at my house to have him help with. He's not a "taker." He would have had to get his car towed in and he's very busy right now... It wasn't a big deal. :-) Thanks for being so thoughtful and protective of me, my friend.

Fwiw, I had no expectation it would take that long to change the battery. I saw that it had the fuse box and brace bar on top, found a YouTube tutorial for how to change the battery for his make/model, it didn't seem that difficult.

I said it was a LONG story, lol.

I cracked the single 13mm socket he had on hand and had to go out to buy another one. One bolt was stripped and REFUSED to come loose and I ended up cutting away the 2 inch thick plastic surrounding it to free the old battery. Took 15 minutes to put things back together, but it took 3 hours to take apart, took extra hour to go get tools that were needed. ;-) I didn't mind the mechanical practice, either.

Ali,
You're a real handy gal - I went to Home Depot last night to pick up some Teflon lubricant for the deadbolt door which seems to be sticking - maybe from all the rain - and the clerk had no idea what I was asking for nor offered to help me find it - grrr
I only hope it works

Easteagle, it sounds like your brother has found this way of setting boundries with you Mom, by being gruff and abrupt with her, making her uncomfortable with asking for help, but when she does get put in a position to say "call a cab", thereby handling it herself, and she has now proven that she can do, you kinda interfered, by going behind her back and asking your brother to take her. I so wish (for you), that you hadn't have done that, as in her doing this for herself, it was a stepping stone for her gaining the confidence to do it on her own. Just as she is in search for ways to pick up things she has dropped onto the floor, using the tongs. There are long grab tongs you can purchase for that very thing!😉

I don't see how you will ever make your brother change his ways, as they have been doing this dance around each other for a very long time.

When you aren't available to her, she will ask him, and or will find a way, but I believe that you need to "Let her", and see if eventually she will begin to do these things on her own. From my own experience, its a pinnacle time, where the elder either find a way, or we find one for them, which is usually ending up in an Assisted living type situation.

I know that you speak to her hours every day, but her complaining to you about your brother, isn't necessarily the actual truth, as they have their own way of communicating, and I'll bet he probably does more for her than she will likely admit. I could be way off base, but that is how I am seeing it. As I recall, things ran pretty smoothly, when he was out of town over the holidays, and things were done in advance by your brother, though I'm not saying you didn't do for her as well. He likely does grumble, as a lot of son's do, but he will do things when push comes to shove.

I guess I'm trying to say is, let them do the dance that they have been doing for many years, and let her show you just how much she Can actually do for herself.

Words that I need to listen to myself! As slowly over time, and due to witnessing my FIL struggle and the time and effort he showed while making a pot of coffee for the morning, making a simple sandwich, heating up soup, or a microwave meal, all these things we stepped in and "handled" for him, simply because it frustrated us, and would get him out of the kitchen faster, and we didn't have to listen to him take 20 minutes to do something one of us could do in 2 minutes.

What we in hindsight have done, is take away from him, any responsibility for doing and caring for himself, and it has hastened him being able to do them now, so a "your damned if you do and your damned if you don't" type scenario. Also, he loved it, as Narc's just loved to be waited on, and center of attention!

Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast rules for cargiving, and we often make mistakes which we then see in hindsight. I know its not easy! Sorry Sweetie!

I do think hiring a house cleaner to come in twice a month would be a very good thing for your Mom! I hope she doesn't have any pets, gobbling up pills off the floor! There again, I need to listen to my own advice! We need a housekeeper too! It's often easier to point out others solutions, and I definitely do not want you to think I'm picking on you! Whatdoyaknow! Whoduthunkit! Sheesh!

My dog Charlie-girl is only a tiny little thing, now 5.2#'s, and with our cold weather and it being so dry inside the house, things are electric! So hubby came in after vacuuming out the car, and went to pet her and gave her a shock both he felt, and we both heard and she really yelped! So now she won't go near him, kinda funny, as she has done this to me before, when I went to pick her up, and somehow hurt her a bit. He is slowly working his way back into her good graces, but Wow, she has a long memory! Longer than what I understood dogs to have. I wonder if a shock like that is more painful to such a little pooch? She's coming around this morning. It helps that he's the one who feeds her too! She normally adores him. It's really hurt his feelings, her turning away from him like that. Ahhhh!

Stacey, Use a dryer sheet to wipe down her fur-prevents static electricity.
You and hubs could wipe hand and shoes before petting her, put a dryer fabric softener in her bedding too. We use unscented.

Poor Charlie-girl, zapped by her own parents!!

Boil some water on the stove, or use a humidifier with just distilled water to bring some moisture into the air.

Stacey our Bella is also a midget 5 lber... and she has nearly bald chihuahua feet. I can tell you she hates going out in this cold.. she is now the quickest urinator I have ever seen.. quick whizz and back to the house! G said she about blew over while doing her business today! Our cat is the sparkinator in our house,,, way more hair! LOL

Send, dryer sheets and humidifier are a great idea!

PammmyZ, my Charlie looks like she is wearing UGGS BOOTS! LOL!

EastEagle, IF brother is truly doing a bad job as POA, if Mom is competent she should change it. (Is he limiting or denying care she needs and siphoning off money for himself?) If she won't, she is being foolish and hurting both of you, but there is not much else you can do. If she is not competent, you could possibly get guardianship and attempt to protect her, but if she never listens to you anyways, and only trusts your brother and SIL despite being unhappy with them treating her like an inconvenience, that would be a tough job. Having the eldercare attorney talk to you and her with all the facts in hand could make sense if there is a real possibility she would change her mind about anything.

Honestly though, I would also verify with your brother than he really feels that way and it is not just mom feeling she should not inconvenience him. And, does he avoid a plot of time with her because she is cranky and picks on him when he does, or is he really one of these guys who is just too impatient and businesslike even with loved ones? Yes, it is unfair she feels fine about inconveniencing you instead, but it is what it is.

glad - I don't like the wind either makes everything worse. I find it strange that the humidity outside is about double what it is inside. Must turn up the humidifier,

east - it bothers me that the only account if what is happening is what you get from your mother in these very long daily "moaner" phone calls. Your bro may have a different story, and also may not care for you listening to your mother talk/complain about him when he is the one that does things for her. My sis, whi did little for mother, would listen to my mother talk about me and I did not appreciate it one little bit. Your mother telling your bro off would not likely accomplish anything good. Discussing issues with him respectfully might. What is happening between you all is called triangulation. One person who is angry at another person talks about them to a third person. The "listener" does no one any favours by playing that role and nothing gets resolved. You have only heard your mother's point of view, not your bro's. I say back off and see what happens.

cwillie - thx for the tip. There are many recipes for pressure cooker pea soup on the internet. There is a setting on my machine for beans and lentils. Dd cautioned me to be careful to wash the valve well every time. I thought of just letting it cool off naturally, but one recipe said that the "boiling" created by releasing the steam at the end of the cooking time, mushes up the peas so you get a creamy pea soup. I will stay well under the line for max liquid, and may let it cool naturally, or, I may take a risk and release the steam after cooking to see what happens.

East - ased on my experience with my brother and mother, your brother probably does not want to spend time with her. My brother and SIL were rude and impatient with my Mom. The only reason they did anything was to get to her money.

Stacey, I'm glad things have settled down in your neighborhood.

Ali, Sounds like you and the AP are getting on well. I used to be able to change a battery, but I can't handle that bar and box thing - can't do the air filter anymore either.

Golden, Hope your soup turned out well. I do dry beans in my pressure cooker regularly - always have and never had a problem. It was -13 in northern Maine this am with wind and snow. I cooked a pot of vegetable soup on my wood stove. It turned out very good and my house smells good. Baked 3 loaves of bread.

Hope everyone has had a drama free weekend as possible. Sometimes in a dys family and caretaking that is almost impossible.

ali - compared to here you are "toasty". Actually It is up to minus 7 now, so tomorrow should be decent. You are very handy. I know the AP has been very helpful. In my experience things tend to get one sided after the initial flush of romance. Not saying which way it would go, but be cautious. Dd is very handy too and liked to impress the guys. It didn't work for her relationships. Her hub worked at impressing her at the beginning. Don't take that away from the AP. Not surprised you are sick of bro's attitude.

madge - don't you hate that!!! What are they paid for???

stacey - hated sparking the pets, but it did happen. I found they forgave. Don't beat yourself up about the past. Fil is declining now and needs the help. Some of it would have happened anyway. It happens as you get older. I feel it coming on very slowly and it will happen to you too eventually..

send - good tip.

pamz - that's funny - it gave me an image...

vikki - good point for east to verify things with her bro

upset - sounds yummy. Going to try the soup soon. Pea soup in 1/2 hour sounds great to me. Maine weather isn't great either! The heat from a wood stove is the best.

All I wanted to do today was sleep. Hope it was due to the cold. I am waking up now and will have trouble getting to sleep.Bah! However the weekend was pretty quiet which I appreciate. Take care all and do something good for you.

So, I'm running out of time. I had hoped to get Mom back home, with a homecare agency before Christmas. But, for all of my effort b/w the communication fumbles of nursing home and Mom just giving up, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. It's January and freezing outside. My sister is going on vacation for a couple of weeks. I have until January 30th. I have chronic back pain agrevated by the cold and I have to empty my Mom's appartment by myself. To add insult to injury, my brother who lives out of town asked, "what about the stuff sister wants?". I wish I would've known 6 months ago that it would come to this....

HELP! I am feeling so freaking guilty and sad. L's daughter has e-mailed me for the fourth time, asking me to come to the memorial next Saturday, I responded:

you know I love your dad very much. Every day I am so grateful that I was able to see and chat with him in the days before he passed.
The last year and a half have been so terribly hurtful for me, not kept in the loop, and I am finally beginning to recover from that. It really felt like I was  being told that I should just get on with my life and forget all that I had gone through, it was none of my business. I understand that you needed to care for your dad with the help of my sisters, and I was not needed. When I arrived at the hospital and saw the list of daughters I was not even listed. That hurt! I need to stay away from my sisters. It is not at all healthy for me. Please, know I will be thinking of you, and remembering your dad and especially, all he did for mom. You know, he passed on their tenth anniversary, which made my mom eligible for an increased Social Security benefit, he had his passing on his calendar. He loved her so much in spite of how difficult she had been for the last five years, probably more.

I am going to try, just too much going on for me. If things fall into place I may be able to. I had a lunch with Mom's and your Dad's neighbors, caregivers and my daughters. We shared stories of him, funny, good and just about his life. Just, please understand, I do not know if I can.

If I write something, would you read it, uncensored? It would not be spiteful, but gratitude to all of those that helped me care for your dad and my mom for those four years.

Love you, you had a very wonderful dad, you were very fortunate and blessed to have him. I will never forget the care he provided to my mom and never complained. Nobody knew how sick my mom had become.


AM I COMPLETELY NUTS? IT HAS ALREADY BEEN SENT!

I have been packing this afternoon. I have been delaying, and was relieved to get the boxes out from under the bed and there are only about twenty of them. Makes a daunting task a bit easier.

Thinking of all of you. I am just very tired, emotionally drained.

I do not know what I would have done without you all these last four years! Thank you, my friends.

Just remember Glad... We're all human, but only (we) caregivers can understand how much we have given up and been through. We are very Blessed to have one another... Be kind to yourself... Lots of Love to you...

glad - you have done all you need to - L's daughter is pfobably feeling guilty herself. You have no need to feel guilty. Remember false guilt is not meeting the (unreasonable) expectations of others. You do not have to meet her expectations. You don't need to see the tws and AD again. You have enough to do with moving again and actually you don't have to justify your position to L's daughter, if you want to go, then go, if you don't want to go, don't go. Your choice and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it. (((((((((Hugs)))))))

Hey Glad, I feel the same way too! Who would a thought there was such a site. I mean I whine and cry and whine and cry and laugh and cry and feel happy and sad for the post. I am grateful to be a part and to be tolerated. It means so much to be able to open up and express your uttermost pain or hurt or issue or feeling.

What really nice is when I can relate to the post and even better if I can help in a way. It feels good to be me here. I say thanks to you all too!! and to whoever created this forum.

Donna - sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. Hind sight is 20/20 but we don't have it, BTDT with the apartment emptying a couple of times. Lots of work, Please do look after yourself - your health is important too. "What about the stuff sis wants" sounds so familiar. My sis came and visited mother and watched me deal with things then left waving at some boxes saying "You can send those to me". I should have included them in the charity donations. I haven't kept up with your story. Will your mum stay in the NH? Yo must look after your own health - stuff is just stuff. Sis can get what she wants when she comes back ir not at all. ((((((hugs))))) to you,

Ali, I envy your mechanical abilities. I cannot follow a car manual re repairs. If I have someone work with me and show me a couple of times while I do the actual hands on work, then I get it and do well. I have to take detailed notes so I can do it by myself.

Glad, you not going is understandable and healthy. The situation I went through that caused me so much pain and took 3 years just to accept it... there were some situations that came up that I wanted to attend, but couldn't deal with seeing certain people who would be there. I did seek counseling and also took Wellbutrin to help with the nightmares I had for 3 years. I have come face to face with a couple people who came to my mother's service as representives of the church.

Stacey, I have not had the static issue with my pets. I am sure it is due to weather issues at the time. Your Charlie girl sounds and looks adorable. I had a high school sweetheart named Charlie and my signature perfume was Charlie, lol!!! Such a simple memory from a phrase like Charlie girl!!!

East eagle, I found with my mom that if I ignored her 'wants" she found others who were willing to help her. I always took care of her needs but learned to separate the two.

We reached a high of 63 today with steady rain. The majority of the storm went north. We have received much rain the last 9 days but no torrents of 6-8 inches in 24 hours. We are still under a flood alert until Tuesday due to this warm system melting Sierra snow pack which comes down in all the rivers. More rain off and on on all week. I do think we will be fine here as far flooding goes. Thank goodness for that, yet very grateful for all the rain. This is the time of year our rain makes a big impact for the reservoirs.

Midget is recovering well but getting very spoiled due to wearing a cone. Lol, I have been bring her water and dish to her so I can prevent her from jumping. She has staples in and I worry she may tear something as the vet told us that hernia repairs with animals are not always successful and this is Midget's second hernia. The first one Midget was much younger and under my mother's care then and Alzheimer's was most likely involved in regards to my mother's care given to Midget. Hopefully, we have it fully repaired. It is very hard to keep her from jumping.

Hi All, from EastEagle, today I had another long talk with my Mother, but this time we might be making some progress !! I told her that I will not interfere with whatever is going on between her and my Brother, and I will stop trying to talk to him, starting now. I told her that I wished my Brother and I had a closer relationship, but it his all his doing. I want to see him more often, and have our families get together, but he is not interested. I also told her that if she is upset over his attitude towards her, that she really should confront him about it, and just get it out in the open, once and for all. I told that she needs to ask him what he is willing to help her with, and to find out what he does not want to do for her. She needs to know, so she can decide where to go from here. I texted my Brother and told him that he has to start being honest and up front with our Mother, since time is not on our side any longer. I told him that he has to tell her what he is willing to do and not do for her, and he should try to enjoy what ever time she has left. He should try to spend a little more time with her. But I did not mention to my Mother that she always leaves me out of the decisions about her house, and I feel that she does not value my input. I do feel that my Brother just wants to use me just so he does not have to help at all, but I am not good enough to be included in any decisions about the house. Meaning what kind of repairs should be made and when. So, my Mother has decided today, to get in touch with Elder Services for info about transportation, she has some more Doc visits coming up. She is not going to ask my Brother. But now, I am feeling so bad that she is doing this on her own. This is what I wanted, and have been waiting for, but now I feel that she is like a baby or toddler who is being left all alone with no one to help or care. Why do I have to feel so bad about this??

EastEagle, do you worry about a lot of things in life, or just your mother's situation? Do you worry about the unknown future for yourself, for example? Are you often thinking about the "what ifs" in life?

Why? Habit. That's why.

East, it is entirely A Good Thing that your mother is taking this initiative. In fact, it's terrific, and I praise her to the skies. Way to go East's Mum, yay!!! It is a sensible and good idea, that makes use of an important service and relieves both you and brother of a chore. What's not to like about it?

Not to be negative, but I have two reservations only:
1. Believe it when you see it.
2. Fingers crossed the person at Elder Services she speaks to is of the helpful practical type and not the jobsworth drongo type.

But, all being well, this is brilliant - and you will just have to get used to it!

Last week I started to feel yucky. It started with my sinuses. A few days later I was feeling all achy. So been trying to nurse it. I thought I was getting better. But now,
I'm afraid it's in full blown sinus infection mode. I have been drinking water like crazy.
Been doing my green tea. I did a sinus wash the other day, thinking that might make me fee better, but IDK. Looks like I'll just have to ride it out at this point.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Feel better Margeaux!

Gld, your email to L's daughter was perfect! Kind, caring, appreciative, and clearly asking her to understand your position on facing the TS's. You can't do any more about the situation, and yet you took the time to have a memorial service for your inner circle after he passed, sharing with her, the appreciation for her Dad, the funny stories, the wonderful man that he was to you, and all that he did for your Mom all those years.

Right now, you are a very busy lady, with much to do in settling your own life. Often times, we cannot attend every single event, or service, especially when you are miles away. You said you peace, and wished her well. It was really nice, Well Done! Don't fret or feel guilty, for things you have no control over. You went above and beyond the call of duty to both your Mom, and L. Above and Beyond Love!