The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

MsMadge, hopefully we are not repeating the winter of 1997.

We have flood warnings for the weekend.

I've never written on this thread and I'm about to write a book, so feel free to skip this, just that I've been kinda sad over something for more than a week and need to get it out and let it go. Here goes. My parents have owned an antique heirloom item passed down to them since long before I was born. It's always been a treasured part of the home, likely the item of most value. It originally came from a family that is regionally well known and has their former home long ago turned into a museum. The item has always been said by my parents that upon their deaths it would be passed down to the eldest, my oldest brother. My mother died eight years ago and now my dad is in poor health. My oldest brother is a huge story, I'll try to sum up by saying he's not healthy in anyway, physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. and though he'd deny it, he's a hoarder. A few months ago, for unknown reasons my dad got obsessed with what items in his home would go where when he died. He has a will, but he started making lists of specific items and the subject of the big item came up. He reminded he as always that it was to go to my brother. I've been told this as long as I can remember so no surprise. I should add that my dad and oldest brother have a very warped relationship, my dad has a huge need to defend my brother and most every crappy decision he makes and always has. It's driven my other brother to mostly stay away (well, he's also just self absorbed) Then comes the shocker, my dad asks me if we could get my brother to consider donating the item to the museum of the family it originally came from. I was speechless this would even be considered but never thought brother would go for it. Honesty, I thought he'd inherit it, and either leave it under a pile of junk or get in yet another financial mess and sell it (I've done some research on the value and it seems way more than any of us thought) So dad asks brother and after fifty eight years of being told it was his, he says sure donate it. Stunning. The curator of the museum came to my dad's house and said they'd be thrilled to have it, couldn't believe we'd let it go. It was removed. Last week our whole family was given tickets to go to the museum home to see it installed. It was quite an ordeal as the place is an old home, not handicapped accessible, my dad couldn't use rollator or wheelchair, and with only a cane it was difficult at best. We were surprised to find the item in a very out of the way place in the home, not very prominent at all. I fully get that they weren't going to rearrange a many years old place to find a spot for something to come in, but after acting so thrilled to get it I really thought it would get a decent spot. Throughout this whole thing my dad has been adamant, correcting everyone loudly, that the item was my brothers and was his to donate, although it's never been anywhere my brother has lived. He had the curator write a letter to my brother thanking him for the donation. My dad wanted pics made with my brother and the item at the museum. He tells everyone what a good thing my brother did, how my brother said at the museum that now the item was "home" I'm left with such mixed feelings. I'd much prefer the item be donated to be enjoyed for years by many than to be destroyed or sold by my brother. But I'm also left with a sadness that something that's always been such a prominent part of our family is gone. And most of all, it just blows my mind that no one seems to see that this all happened because my brothers life is a huge screwed up mess. Most people live lives that improve over the course from say, their twenties to sixties. His has done just the opposite, and like a pig in mud he's content to just wallow in it. He used to have a home, a family, nice things, and over time he's lost all of that. If you ask him about how he lives he just says he doesn't care. He owes my dad thousands that my dad will never see. And now he was just content to leave behind something that it's always been important (most especially to my mother, but also my dad) for him to inherit. And no one acts like it's odd. The whole thing just makes me sad. And now I need to let it go and be in peace about it. Thanks if anyone actually read this missive! I feel better already

Daughter, I'm glad you feel better about it :)

Families are frustrating. And baffling. But at least this time your father and brother have been baffling in a good way? Since you always knew that hopeless brother would be the likely owner of the heirloom, isn't it comforting to know that this way the precious item won't gather dust, fall into decay or be sold for pennies in time of crisis?

Thanks Churchmouse. I do feel better that it's in a good place rather than being ruined or sold by my brother. And baffling is a good word, it's baffling that things my brother does are accepted as normal in my family.

FAMILIES ARE BAFFLING could be the subtitle of this thread...

:-)

Daughter, I'm happy you posted to share it and get it out there and hopefully let it go now. It's done. Just one more weird thing that happened in a lifetime of weird family stuff, but the latest and biggest in awhile? You had attachment to this heirloom? It is in a good place, overall, I think. I hope you truly make peace about it.

Stacey, I'm not going to tell you that you need to quit smoking, but I'll tell you that when YOU'RE ready, I have a few tips/tricks that I think truly did help me quit a few years ago. I researched the snot out of quitting because I had tried many times and not quite made it... and it did drag out for me, the quitting. I didn't do it cold turkey at all, like some do. I was mentally ready but the soothing nature of what cigs did for me was all I wanted in time of high stress, which I was going through when I quit. I battled with quitting for a good month, but I won, and haven't looked back. It's nice to be on this side of things, I promise you. It's a heck of a fight to get here, but when you're truly here and past the addiction and habit of it all, it's worth it. :-)

Hope everyone had a decent wind up to their week. I've been so busy. Crossing my fingers for my mental/physical health to hold up and I'll get through another week of being busy and then things will settle down, I think.

Many (((hugs))) to all of you. Stay warm!

Had the strangest thing happened here today. In the house across the street, we're both the mother and father have both died in the previous four years, we had the SWAT team here in the middle of the street and this morning both my husband and I heard the police say come out with your hands up over their loudspeaker. As our house is a ranch style u-shaped home, we could barely see the front of that house but could see a couple of the vehicles out front. I had a police officer come to my front door to say stay inside and lock your doors. Just then, they let off a huge concussion bomb, and our whole house shook. It took about an hour before they made an arrest, and I spoke with My Neighbor Next Door and he told me that the police told him that they were there to arrest a man who they had a warrant on for a very bad assault. The whole thing was very scary, but all day long I checked on the internet and saw nothing. I'm going to go now and check again as even on our local news coverage, I didn't see anything. But then again, there was a lot of coverage about the very sad Florida incident at their Airport. So that's my big news! tune in tomorrow.

Wow stacey! Wonder if it was connected somehow to the airport incidents today. I get very curious even when a patrol car is parked at a neighbor's house. Never had a swat team though. Staying tuned.

Yikes, Stacey - glad you're ok! In our small town, any police activity makes all the neighbors come out and stand around to watch.

Woah, Stacey. That would make for an interesting day. Happy that you're fine and everything's fine... except you've been living across the street from Charles Manson! But you survived! Haha.

Seriously, I am relieved that everything is ok with you. Something like that is unnerving, to say the least. o_0

Minus 20 feels like minus 33, humidity 77% and wind gusts. I stayed in. Improving a bit the next few days,

daughter - they are dysfunctional - sounds like you are more upset about bro than about the object. Better it is in the museum, I think. Sometimes you just have to detach from those messes/people

stacey - wow - glad you are OK

ali - stay grounded, breathe deep, Don't take on more than you can handle reasonably comfortably. You are allowed some time out to relax and do your thing

sharyn - floods???

Got some energy back so did lots today. Thank goodness.

sleep well all!

Hello!!!
I belong here...and I believe I am the care taker because somewhere along the way, I developed into a "door mat."
I use to joke is there something written on my forehead...DM, door mat. Those are also my initials, which added to my sarcasm. But truely, I'm the oldest of 5, and it's assumed. It was also suggested that I move my Mom back in with me and my 29 yr old difficult daughter.
On New Years Eve, I stayed home and thought of ways I could disappear. If they can't find me...
I know, people say "say no," but that is always easier said then done. Then if I complain about one family member obligating me to some task, the other (who is guilty of same) will say "That's not right, tell them no." They agree it's an imposition, and the next time it happens, it's usually them imposing. I'm aware of it, but it always seems like their needs are more urgent. Any other Door Mats out there?

Donna1,
Oh my, great question, worthy of it's own new post.
I'm sure many of us know what you mean.

Donna, I can't remember if it was Dear Abby or someone else who said " you can only be a door mat if you lie down and let them walk on you".

Don't complain, certainly not to other family members. Take action instead. Find a therapist who can help you understand why you're seeking love and aprobation by doing what others want to your own detriment. Practice saying " I couldn't possibly do that".

Barb,
Thanks, I've been to therapy. I don't know if you are aware that there is a real "Door Mat" syndrome. I was doing my daily PCH search and just tried it and there it was. I was suprised, like I said, I thought I made it up...lol. It states that in addition to allowing others to impose, it also gives me a good feeling to help somebody. Down side ,
when you allow it to become detrimental and / or
you then resent those people for not appreciating you or reciprocating.
I always thought, do unto others as you would have them do unto you....but you can't expect it.

Donna, glad that you've been to therapy! There is a difference, i believe, in doing unto others and being a door mat.

Do unto others in my mind means that you do things without a quid pro quo. You do unto other AS YOU WOULD LIKE THEM to do unto you. Not as you expect them to. It's a " pay it forward" thing, I've always thought.

You're right and I've tried to be assertive and say no, but then I feel guilty. It also said that the people close to you recognize that and they know that they can continue doing it to you. Which makes it harder. They know it's hard for me to say no. I've resorted to distancing myself from them when it's too much.
That's why I was thinking of disappearing. Selling my house, buying a tear drop trailor and getting a PO box.

Donna, I also have a hard time saying no but I am getting better.

Stacey, very scary indeed!! I am glad you and the neighborhood are safe.

Golden, it is good to hear you are feeling better. I don't know about you, but I always feel worse in the winter as opposed to feeling

Ah I dropped my tablet ... I feel worse in winter than I do in spring or summer with the type of ailment. I am rambling now.

We have a small storm coming in tonight but later Saturday, a larger storm from Hawaii will hit us. We just had several days of rain, and this storm will bring much moisture to NorCal. Our city has the San Joaquin River that runs along the outskirts of the city. The city proper has never flooded but area farmers/ranchers as well as small communities near the river can be flooded if the dirt levees break. More storms are expected with a day of dry weather in between. The Truckee River is expected to flood this weekend... this river is in the Sierras. The biggest impact on us personally will be if the San Joaquin floods in our area and schools are set up as shelters. Getting livestock out is quite the undertaking.

Our storms here also go to Idaho. My daughters said Boise is in a State of Emergerncy this next week as more snow is expected, rain, freezing and more snow. We are all just going about our daily life watching the news and hoping there is no major flooding or snow impact with traffic emergencies.

.Stacy, That kind of thing is scary. Last year a teenager down the street threatened to kill his mother and had a gun on her. She somehow got away from him. All at once there were police cars everywhere and they were going from yard to yard looking for him and his brother. They came to the door and told us to lock everything and stay inside. For about 4 hours they went back in the woods and up and down the street. All at once we heard all gunshots and when I looked out the police were everywhere - on our driveway, etc. Then the gunshots started a second time. When I looked out the kid was laying in the street dead just to the side of the driveway. They set up on of those crime tents in our front yard. The body was in the street for a couple of hours. They had all of those little yellow flags everywhere they found a shell casing. It was awful. They finally cleaned everything up and left after 8 hours. The fire department came and washed down the the street. Makes you wonder what the world is coming to.

Quitting smoking is hard. I smoked for about two years. Gave it up when I got pregnant and never restarted. Every now and then when I'm stressed I would love to have a cigarette. But, you'll get there when you're ready.

Thanks for all of your concern everybody, all is quiet in the neighborhood now!

I mat have written this before, but about 15 years ago, I had a hysterectomy and had been home a couple of days. The Dr nicked my bladder, and I had a catheter in place, FUN! Anyhoo, my Old nextdoor neighbors, now gone, were unknowingly harboring a fugitive who had assaulted his GF, and threatened her with a

...knife.

So the owner/neighbors were ag work, and visiting friend was inside their house.

So it was the 1st morning that I was alone post op, hubby had ju5left for woek, and I was alone. The next thing I knew was SWAT team walking in mt backyard with dogs, and police vehicles out front. Just as yesterday, the police said stay inside and away from windows. No mention of what was happening outside.

I called hubby to come home, but they wouldn't allow him through onto our street.

Watching the news, I could see our house fron the chopper that I could hear above, it was so scary!

Seeing it all play out on the news, and knowing it was all happening right next door!

It turns out that rbw police dropped tear gas bombs into the roof vents, as the guy was hiding in the attic, and wouldn't come out. But he did come out coughing and puking after all, Lol, arrested and hauled off!

I make it sound as if I live in an unsafe neighborhood, but those are the only two weird and isolated events, that have ever happened, ever! So strange that both incidences involved full on SWAT teams! This is suburban living!

Excuse my typos, I'm trying to type on my teeney tiny cell phone!

Stacey, we had an couple incidents in our neighborhood. The first was in the early 90's. I was at night school when it happened. The police told everyone to stay inside their homes as a neighbor's married daughter's husband had threatened them with a gun and he was wondering the neighborhood. The second happened maybe late 90's. we had a single male renting a house 2 doors down. He routinely got drunk creating issues. This one night he took a sledge hammer to his truck. Police were called and several cars came. They were in our front yard trying to talk the man down. It was scary because my dad and I were alone.

Daughter^

The Pineapple Express is here. The worst is expected in the am hours. It is a very warm storm that will melt the snow in the Sierra's.

Polar Express here - minus 27, feels like minus 40. humidity 67%. I don't know how it can be that high when it is that cold either. ali. Good day to stay in and make a pot of split pea soup in my new pressure cooker.

stacey, upset and sharyn - very scary episodes. Stay safe now!

I am another ex smoker - quit over 50 years ago. I just cut down to the ones what were't "necessary", which was about 5 - like the one with coffee in the morning, and then decided that I could live with wanting those. I did it gradually. throwing away partial packs along the way so I did not have them handy. My two kids who smoked both quit, my ex and my parents did too so I know it can be done. Go, stacey, go!!!!

Dry here, a bit warmer today. But, the winds about 30 mph gusting to 45. I would prefer a snowstorm. The one weather phenomenon i just hate, WIND!

From EastEagle, Hi Everyone !! I have been reading all your posts, keeping up with everyone. But as usual, I have so much on my mind. I am so steeped in all the drama of the difficult relationship between my Mother and Brother. It turned out that my Mother has a Baker's cyst of the knee, which is usually in back of the knee.
So all of this time, this was causing all the swelling in her leg, but also she has been staying up all night, not getting into bed, and taking naps in a chair in the living room, with the TV on. Her legs were never up at all, which meant all the fluid was going into both legs, but one leg was really bad. I had begged my Mother to go see her Doctor or to Urgent Care, but she would not listen to me, as usual. Anyway, on New Year's day, my Brother and his wife finally saw her bad leg, and realized how bad the situation was getting, and the next day they took her to Urgent Care at the local clinic. They gave her an appointment for the next day, to have an x-ray and an ultra-sound. My brother took her, that was on Monday morning, 10:00am, and they were in and out quickly. He only missed a few hours of work, but he was mad because he got stuck in traffic on his way to work. So my Mother found out the cause of all the swelling. She also got an antibiotic in case of Cellulitis. Then my Brother took her back for the follow-up check up, which was this past Saturday. My Mother had an appointment for Friday, but she didn't want to go on that day, she did not want to ask my brother to take any more time off from work. So, when she called him to say she had an appointment on Saturday, he told her to call me about it. So, my Mother had called a cab on Sat morning, as I said, she did not ask my brother to take her. But, I had texted him about the doc visit, so he showed up at her house after all. . As you recall, he lives 1/2 mile away, in walking distance of my Mother. She called me today, and said that he had no patience, he was very "short-tempered " with her, and she could tell that he really did not want to take her. He was really an inconvenience for him. We had snow here on Saturday, so I had told my Mother that it was not the trip to her house, it was the trip home that would be iffy with the snow. I really didn't think that my Brother would mind taking our Mother on a Saturday for a very quick check-up, and by the way, the Clinic is also right down the street from my Mother 's house. For me, it is more than an hours drive just to get to her house. So, my Mother has decided to never call my brother for help again. He has POA, and he is keeping the rent from of my Mother's renters, actually my Mother told him to keep the money since he is using it to fix up the house. He has the time to go to her house to do repairs on it, but no time to spend with her at all. But just today, she said that after she has passed away, my Brother will have to decide if he wants to sell the house or keep the house. But, the house is also being left to me too, but she never includes me in making this decision. My question is, should I call an Elder Law Attorney for advice, on how I can get my Mother to accept some outside help, OR, should I just mind my own business, stay out of it, and just see what happens. The problem is that my Mother seems to be afraid to say anything to my Brother that will make him upset, so she never tells him off. I know a very good Elder Law lawyer, he is very nice. What do you all think I should do??

Golden, are you sure you can make split pea soup in your pressure cooker? I know with our (ancient) one it says not to cook things like dry beans and peas because the scum can clog the valves...

Hi Again, I want to add one more interesting thing: My Mother is actually using a walker, after all this time. It belonged to my Dad so it probably is the wrong fit for her, but you all said that it would take a crisis for a change to happen. My Mother has been dropping everything on the floor, papers, mail, the caps to her eye meds, and many of her pills. She told me that she just keeps on dropping stuff on the floor all the time. So last week she tried to pick up something with ice tongs, which of course are not long enough, and she felt something snap in her knee., She did not do any damage, it was the baker's cyst that was causing a lot of pain. In fact, since that happened she has been in really bad pain, but the Doc told her to take Aleve, and that it will take awhile for her knee to feel better. So, since this happened, she has been using the walker. When she called the cab for the ride to the clinic (but my Brother took her) she asked them if she could bring her walker, and they said of course. I had been telling her for so long, that she could bring a walker with her, but as I said, she would not listen to me. So it really does take a crisis for someone to change their mind. Also, my Brother did not sweep up my Mother's floor, he is always in a hurry to get home, he does not spend any quality time with our Mother, and will never sit down for a nice visit. He got upset with her because of the stuff on the floor, and he said she needs a cleaning service to come in to help. It was my idea for her to have someone help with cleaning. But, he did not stop to sweep up, as I said, he does not like to spend any time with her. Thanks All.