The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you very much. Feeling much better. I will take my dad to do his shopping in the morning, and then head back up. I got off of AC after typing up that vent and had a nice time hanging out with 12 yo niece while Older Bro and SIL are still out choosing a backsplash tile and dad watched the Rose Bowl. All is ok.

It is a decent "caregiving wrap-up" plan, thank you for helping to affirm that, vstefans. I'm done with "good ol' boy club" around my father's situation.

Google "Cook County Probate Court Corruption" for some of the interesting things I began to learn when I couldn't understand why I was seeing excessive monetary charges ... that didn't make sense ... against my grandmother, both in her Trust and on her Medicare/CNS. I wish I never started thinking about how much COI or even possibly "kickbacks" there are in my family's case. I'm not paranoid. There's enough evidence online, and some that directly names this T.O. and others he has recommended/referred over the years, that it makes me uncomfortable trusting anyone that has ties to this aggressive bank (largest bank now in Chicago) that holds his dwindling Trust.

Water under the bridge. Like I told my father multiple times tonight when he was reminded of things T.O. and this attorney did - I told my dad, there is no avenue for legal vindication/retribution. I've looked into it. The best thing is to move on and move away. :-)

Margeaux, I have been stuck in situations with people whom I haven't seen in many years, and all they want to do is embarrass you with stories from your past.. it's so weird, as if they ever really knew me in the first place! Me, I'm not one to have stayed in touch with HS friends, but Facebook seems to pull them out of the woodwork, and I've bumped into one here and there. I hate it when my husband is with me, because they always want to bring up old boyfriends, and I would never do that to someone!

I do have one HS friend, who is still very much friends with lots of them. To each their own!

Just finished a great bookm "Our Souls at Night" by Kent Haruf. Vrry quick easy read, and soon a Netflix movie with Jane Fonda and Robert Redford. It is about relationships and lonliness as we age alone. I now want to read other books of his.

I'm having a little trouble getting to sleep... can't imagine why... :-) hah...

The things that happened when I first came to Chicago area to help my grandmother and my father... it was a horrible experience. I was a relatively fearless and confident person at the time, and I thought "right is right, wrong is wrong, I don't care who they are, they can't do these kinds of things to elders and get away with it." I found out "they" can and do. It's not seen as illegal or even unethical within the courts here, it's just how a certain part of the system works to allow elders' financial resources to be used against their better interests if that elder isn't competent to fight things, and also if there isn't anyone else (like family) fighting for them. The things that were done could only be done by using my cousin's (new guardian as of 06/2011) name and manipulating him. Intentional manipulation or just business as usual? I don't know. I do know the end result was that I was left feeling like I had entered a different world, where there was no justice, where I wasn't strong or capable anymore, where everyone smiled to my face and then did horribly back-stabbing things to my father, to me... and for what? They all knew I was only trying to help. Didn't they? Why else was I there? But the gossip mill was fast and furious, and the accusation that I was some homeless druggie (with Louis Vuitton and Tumi luggage who spent thousands buying my grandmother whatever was needed... go figure...) was the topic du jour at the time, initiated by the care giving agency when I wanted them to replace a few of the first daytime CNAs that they placed for my grandmother due to them not performing duties, crossing obvious boundaries, etc. The 2nd one would get high smoking marijuana in her car while I would give her breaks even while she was "on the clock," and her boyfriend broke into my neighbor's cars, and one screamed at me because I had glasses out at night one time. My grandmother was already in bed several rooms away, I was cleaning them because they were extremely dirty, and CNA claimed I was endangering my grandmother -- that was her story of how to clear her from me tattling that she had screamed at me, and I felt very threatened by her, she was very big and intimidating... Just a mess with that agency. And with the IL DoA investigation already happening, there was room to make another accusation that I was now a part of the problem and my grandmother needed protecting from me. Just such a sad & traumatic time in my life.

I initiated a couple of short conversations tonight with bro. I had a few things I wanted to say. In the 2nd convo, it came up (I honestly don't remember how, and I'm not trying to accuse him of things as much as remind him that there's a reason to not trust the Trust) that 5 years ago, he didn't try to help me fight the things that were happening even though he was well aware. He asked me snidely if it would help if he apologized for things from 5 years ago. I said "I'm moving on, and you haven't changed." He likes to play that card with me when I mention anything about how difficult this situation has been on me, and how much I've sacrificed, how low it brought me. It wasn't as if "I was perfect before, then everything was messed up because bro didn't stand by me," of course not, but he doesn't want to acknowledge that he has continued to play a part in allowing things to be unnecessarily difficult for me, EVEN WHILE he will say how much he is handling things. But he just isn't. And he never has been part of helping things move along. And that's the part that he and I get hung up on. I don't have TIME to educate my bro AND my dad on everything that's already happened, I've already said many times over why I think HUD Senior Apartment is best for my dad... but neither of them seem convinced. Well.

How's about I stop banging my head against this wall just for awhile and see if I don't feel better? What else can I do that I haven't done? My bro seems equally-but-differently unable to understand, like my dad, that I've gone through the trenches for 5.5 years and all he has to do is help communicate and reiterate the important need for change to my dad....

I know, I know. "Just stop, Ali, put it all down and walk away." I'm closer every day lately. I just want no regrets when I leave. I have this idea that I could help my dad have a decent QOL for next 5-10-15 years, and I want him to have that. :-/

Good night!! zzzz

I just did a late night bathroom trip and lo and behold, I've just started my cycle. That makes things a little easier to understand why I had such a strong reaction to the stress earlier tonight. Whew.

...and why I can't sleep and I feel "ratcheted up" or "wound up" some. I hope I can get some rest and I know I'll be feeling better very soon.

Ali, getting worked up over all that has happened is part of the end to caregiving in a dysfunctional family. While I don't think I was ever accused of being a druggie, I was accused of nearly everything else under the sun which started with the Department of Aging investigating me. That led to a court action where twisteds spent about 150k of mom's money to prove themselves right. They lost, I won. In the long run it was mom and L that lost the most. Even after the investigation twisteds did not believe the outcome because they would not believe they were wrong. I had to get out even though there was plenty of work to do for my own sanity and preservation. It does not matter to me one little bit what twistedsand AD think. The people that matter are the only ones that get it, you all here, my kids,and the friends and neighbors of mom's and L's.

What is it that causes this? Jealousy, guilt, or just plain vindictiveness and spite. I believe the later and the investigator even told L and I as much, even gave me a hug when he closed the cases. Yes two cases that went nearly three years; one on mom, one on L.

This part of your life is now part of who you are. It will not go away, you will learn who you have become and learn as best as you can to live your life without the anger. That will come up often. We did the best we could and lost for it. So, relax, breathe, it will get better but only we are the ones that can do it, in our time, in our way.

And you know twisteds never offered any help to me even after J's death, or fire at my home. But you bet they wanted my help clearing out Mom's house then angry when I refused. Some people just want and want and want.

So, here I am trying to sleep and figure out the next chapter, wondering where it will take me. Too many sleepless nights that are much less frequent than they were a year ago, but still more often than I care to admit.

Ali and Glad, (((hugs)))!! It will take time, and distance from the situations help. Your sense of betrayal is very deep and painful. Just from my own experience where I was very hurt. It took 3 years just to stop having dreams about it. You will come out the other side a much wiser person and happier. Keep talking about it here as much as you need to.

Thanks again for the support. Glad and Sharyn - you both summed it up well, and offered some sage words. We move forward, there's no benefit to caring about what's happened in the past, if it's deeply hurtful and beyond our control. Last night, I dragged out the past for my father's sake, to try to help him understand why he cannot (should not) move back to Chicago...

My dad called T.O. just now to talk to him about garage/house situation. T.O. gives me such lip service for many years now, saying that he would help to give my dad the push to move on, from the standpoint of being his Estate Guardian position, and yet T.O. obviously hasn't done that or my dad wouldn't still have this level of confusion about "how long (he's) staying here" at bro's...

Thanks for this wonderful forum. Many (((hugs))) to all of you. I know you have your situations and battles, too. Thank you.

Midget is in recovery doing well. Under the fatty tumor they found she had a hernia as well. All was removed and repaired and I will pick her up at 4:50 today. I am glad it is over as I was worried just like when we have a family member who under goes surgery.

Daughter is dealing with teaching the boys to stay in bed. She had to transition to a child bed as little "L" was climbing out of his crib and he would a
Saunter into the living room proud as a peacock saying "hello!!" It looks like they are not having any of the whole nap time now but dad is still having them stay in their room for at least an hour so she gets a break. A big adjustment for 4 of them but they will get through this as well. To cute....hello!!

I just talked to my dad, we talked about what T.O. said. I asked him if he would give the HUD place down the road a try, and if he doesn't like it, there are other places. He said "ok," he'll do that.

😌

No small victory. I suppose it was worth the stress of last night to get this result today. I've thought we were *here* before, but I can't assume that anyone else is doing what they say they will, apparently.

I'll be boxing up my dad's things for his new Senior Apartment that he'll hopefully get in February... and I have a hundred other things to do in meantime, but...

Alright, I have to go, I have work to do! Hah.

Ali,

Your last two posts, Whoah!! I guess you had somewhat mentioned about what had happened 5.5 yrs. ago when you started caregiving. I had no idea that you were being accused of such lies and horrible things. Must have been super hard on you.

Look Ali.......all I can say is that you are really dealing with your dad, who suffers from major lack of comprehension. This must be so hard for you, as it relates to what's going to happen with him in regards to his housing, and the old home. That you would engage in a conversation concerning HUD, or some other housing arrangement, I can understand. But for you to dredge up the past, especially your feelings about it, IDK.......seems too draining. Besides, it does appear to have so many components that your dad doesn't understand anyway. How does that serve you?

About you brother, well he didn't support you in the past did he?
It is very good that he took your dad in, and still has him there. However, this should not be looked upon like your brother is going to be supportive on all fronts.

I sure hope you can place your dad sooner than later, and that ultimately you can move forward with your life apart from your family of origin. We do all have to do this at some point in our lives.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Oh poor Midget! Well I hope she is feeling better.
Yes, we've been having some rain also, and unusually cold weather.

So the boys are learning new things. How cute on the one hand. But I also get it from a parents point of view, they probably have to constantly change gears a bit when it comes to the little ones. Glad to hear daughter's husband is trying to keep them in their room, to give mommy some down time. That's quite considerate of him. She has a good guy.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Thank you for commenting about my mom. Yes she had a UTI.
You know that since she's on Palliative care, they've given my sister this kit which contains morphine. Now before my sister knew that mom was suffering a UTI, mother kept complaining about her lower back. Well that is a clue about a UTI.
My sister thought it was some arthritis, which mom has also. Anyway, the visiting nurse told my sister to give mom a very small amount of the morphine. But right after, mom was diagnosed with the UTI, and put on antibiotics. I'm sure the combination of these drugs caused mom to get backed up. Yes that bathroom is small especially to get a walker in there.

That friend of mine is a busy body. She has always been rather sloppy as to how she asks people things. But I have a feeling that after she had something like 3 beers in her, it just got escalated. It's odd when one is met with someone like this, that you haven't seen in years. I know she was doing a little theater in front of this new boyfriend. But why she thinks that bringing up stupid, childish things from about 40 yrs., ago would impress anyone.

Gee.....that is a nosey co-worker! I never understand why people feel so entitled to ask those questions.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ali, You've had so much to go thru...take care of yourself.

ali - you are making progress - it isn't easy but you are making progress. You still have some baggage from the past,-understandably, it was a horrible experience. I am glad that you can face it. "Reveal, feel, deal and heal. I agree about staying away from the old boy's club. Worst comes to worse I guess your dad can stay at your bros until bro decides differently, the house gets sold and you move on with your life. I hope they both are clear he is not returning to his home .What are you planning on reading? I think it is a good goal. Do something good for you in the middle of all this, and don't worry about getting the house ship shape - not your problem. Seems TO is a skunk or at least useless. How about ali having a decent QOL!!!

stacey - the shuttle driver is a gal, but the service manager called me up to see how the car was - never had that happen before in that place - and to make sure I gave him a good review. The funny one was the guy I bought the rocker from. About the 4th email he wrote "All the best now and always. Love D" "What!!!!!" "Love D" is just a little bit inappropriate. My son will pick the chair up. I don't want to! Naps are great. I am feeling better. Good luck to your daughter. I have had concerns about condos too but many live in them happily.

glad -you had a dreadful time and they still don't do right by you. It has t take some time to get over it , or through it. We never are quite the same afterwards. I checked out that book and it looks interesting. Be as good to you as you can at this time! Maybe a massage would help you sleep!

sharyn - glad that midget is OK and all issues fixed. We do worry about them. How is your bro, doing? The twins are a handful I know. One plays off against the other. I think I would be inclined to tell that co worker that what you give people for gifts is between you and them. Really it is none of her business.

ali - good that dad agreed. I hope he remembers that he did and that bro is supportive even a little or at least not obstructive. Progress!!!!

margeaux - glad your mum got through the UTI and is doing better.

I am off my gut meds for the first time in about a year and doing OK and trusting that I am achieving a good balance. I have a great coconut milk yogurt (like Greek yogurt) which is helping I think. I am also off antihistamines. Stress reduction is one of the major factors, I think. I am sleeping a lot and feel different/better. I think my body is doing some adjustments which are good and I will end up healthier. Woo Hoo. Maybe some travel is in the offing!

Take care of you - a massage, a mani/pedi, a hairdo, a new book, whatever works for you!

The dysfunctional family thing reared its ugly head briefly tonight. The cousin I've mentioned here in the past (that never gives me the time of day unless she wants something from me) messaged me tonight to ask about our grandparents' ancestry and what nationality they were. No "hi", "how are you doing", "here's how I'm doing since Mom died" (hers died 1 month before mine) - nothing. Just gimme, gimme, gimme. So I told her what I knew and ended the conversation by sending her to someone else in the family that would probably know better than I do.

These people are just amazing sometimes. I see no reason to keep people like this involved in my life. Both of our parents are gone now, and I see no reason to keep her informed of anything else going on in the family. If she wants to know, she can ask someone else. I'm tired of her wiping her feet on me.

Thanks for your input, Margeaux. You're spot on with "bro didn't support you in past" bit. Why do I think he's a brand new creature all of a sudden? But it was such a simple thing that I discussed him "helping with" multiple times. He and I both knew right after Thanksgiving that we were (I was) going to ask Trust to not demo garage, to let us get my dad moved on. All I expected bro to do was communicate that to my dad at some point in the past 40 days. I sent him multiple texts and emails about this. And if I asked bro, as I did, "can you please come help me for 5 minutes talk to dad about this," I'm surprised that he is such a jerk that he won't help since he's not doing anything else.

His words to me as I left his house tonight to drive back up here - he said, "Your job is to go get the house ready for sale."

My JOB? It's not my job, and it doesn't pay anything. I'll do it, I've been "getting the house ready for sale" for the past 5.5 years because it's been non stop issues and I turned a horribly dirty, cluttered house into something that is clean and livable. Of course I'm going to be working on the house. I resent that he said to me "Your job" is to do this. No, it isn't my job. Amazing how he gets to assign me MY JOB but he can't do his when it's an infinitely simpler task.

Yes, same brother as always, but I'm surprised anew when he assigns me "MY JOB" but he isn't doing the little things that would take only a few minutes? It's hard for me to understand how he can justify his lack of even the smallest effort.

Anyway, ramble-ramble. Excellent point about "bro is this person." Yes, he is. Still manages to surprise me at times and I don't have a good reason for reacting with surprise, do I...

"Dredging up the past." It started with asking my dad if he needed more peanut butter and jelly while I was making his grocery list. It snowballed in steps from there. My dad wanted to know why he can't just tell T.O. to not tear down garage and that's what will happen. My dad thinks he can do that. I try to explain in simple ideas why he can't do that. I used examples from the past, because my dad did remember those things. And I said "T.O. didn't do what you wanted then, right?" That's how it came about that I went through some of the old pain, reminding him of what happened, in an effort to help him understand more accurately the role that T.O. plays. Dad thinks of T.O. as "good family friend." I think of T.O. very differently.

The conversation escalated because I was talking about things that are hurtful, and I'm having the nth conversation with my father about these issue, and my hormones played a role in making it all seem so much more intense than need be...

It's over. I'm back home.

Now I can continue MY JOB of getting house ready for sale. I want to strangle my bro but can't really do that, can I...? :-)

Thanks, Margeaux. (((hugs)))

Margeaux, I have to LOL. The backache with Mom, that was the first UTI my mom had. I thought a muscular thing, took her for massage, twice I think. Finally to the doc because it just was not getting better! Did I ever feel foolish. But at least I can laugh about it now. You listening Ali?

And one time I will tell you about the first time I took mom in because her hearing aids were not working. I was in the first absolute melt down after caregiving started. Well, now is ok, I guess, probably told the story before. WATCH the WAX buildup in the hearing aids, it will shut them down completely! But the audiologist did the kindest thing of all of my four years of caregiving. She was such a kind and compassionate person. She called me to say to watch the mail carefully. She sent me a $100.00 gift card for a salon, had a massage, haircut, mani and pedi, ok, I chipped in some of my own. But, it got me out to do something good for me. I will always remember.

Both my grandmother and my dad did/do not feel pain with UTIs. I have to watch for other symptoms, like cloudy/dark urine My dad doesn't get temperature even with severe infection. I suppose that's common?

I went through wax removal from their ears with both of them and it helped their hearing considerably. I can only imagine if it builds up in the hearing aids, makes sense they wouldn't work at all!

What a sweetheart of an audiologist, Glad. One of my dads docs for his cancer removal (a doc in his 70s or so) once pulled me aside, into an empty exam room, and had a talk with me about his experience caring for his mother, and what a toll it took on him. He was TRYING to tell me that he saw the signs of the wear and tear already in me (this was late '12 or early '13), and he was TRYING to tell me that it's a difficult undertaking, this caregiving stuff. I didn't receive the message as intended at the time (I thought I was just "not feeling well" often), but have thought about it since. He was kind to try to give me some input, some "fair warning." :-)

Ali, your job is to get your stuff packed, new location set up, and move out. There are professionals that get paid money to coordinate house repairs, much less do them. Said with love and care from one who's been there. Bro is not your boss.
Have to share a funny. My sister is generous but a bit of a narc. Backstory: brother has 2 sons. Older one got married in June to girlfriend that he has baby with, smallish ceremony with little notice, honeymoon Texas coast. Younger one and his GF planned big wedding next year, but she got pregnant and had baby a month ago at 30 weeks. Younger nephew decided to get married small ceremony at family member on 12/31. Oh, auntie you can't make a 5 hour trip to attend when I tell you at 10 am it is at 2.... Really wanted you here, well here is wedding registry. While predictable that's not the funny. Younger nephew is being taken to Vegas for bachelor party by best friend. Older nephew groans about can't afford to go. My sister tells older he will go. She will pay plane and his share of hotel room. I complimented her but cautioned her to be plain to avoid misunderstandings. Give a mouse a cookie mentality in that part of family. Love them BUT... Anyway older nephew is talking to sister at younger nephew wedding about how excited older nephew's wife is about Vegas. She has never been there. When my sister pressed him, older nephew reveals that best friend is flying younger nephew and new wife both to Vegas with hotel and entertainment covered no cost, so older nephew was sure that my sister was....my sister quickly disabused him of that. " I'm Not paying for A Family Vacation." Now older nephew is pouting and my sister threatened me if the words "I told you" left my mouth.

Glad,

It's challenging for caregivers to hit the nail on the head as to whats happening to their elders. Now my sister had gone through this with mom in the past. But sometimes I know a bit of burn out is at play where she is concerned, so she forgets. So do you think the massages helped your mom?
I'm always amazed at what caregivers, especially hands on people need to watch for, become aware of the various infections the elder can contract.

What a nice audiologist. That was so thoughtful of her to do. Kind of gives one hope about people.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden,

I'm glad that you are feeling better.
Definitely less stress, eating properly and rest helps a lot.

Thanks for commenting about mother, she's holding her own for now.
We are quite amazed that she could do this.

Yes, after I thought about it......I'm sure concerning my friend the beers were making her talk more than her share!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Strangle your bro, Ali... No, don't do that. But you can dream, can't you?

While I'm dreaming of strangling bro, I'll also dream of strangling my mother. She sent me a late night text last night - "Can you send current bank statement for your dad to (bro's) house"

I text her - "Um sure. Who is requesting this and why?"

I text bro - "I can give you login credentials to dad's account, I also ordered a 2nd card for you. Why is mom telling me to send bank statement to your house? The past 12 months of statements were there in blue file box for past month at your house, 'hidden' in file named BANK ACCOUNTS."

Bro texts me - "2nd card would be good. Don't know what mom is saying about statement."

Then I get it. Mom's on one of her recurring obsessions with whether or not I'm "stealing" from my indigent father. HAH.

My mom has been texting me all morning asking me if I'm using money out of my dad's account. Mind you, I do all the shopping and repair for this house, always have, my dad gets a very pitiful few hundred a month and she knows this. I've never been reimbursed for my expenses, and for the past 4 years, I've talked very openly and plainly with my dad about when and why I will use funds out of his account. There are receipts for all of it, it's never taken out as cash, and I keep a healthy reserve of money for him to use if he needs it, but also keep him within Medicaid allowable cash assets.

The absurdity of her NOSY and accusing tone got to me after the 3rd-4th text, and I told her she must be especially bored today to be engaging in such a non-productive activity, and she might consider working to move into her house that she's been saying she "needs to do" for several years now.

I told her I would never explain or answer to her, that my brother can have login credentials if he likes, and that's the end of it. She's completely without a sense of boundaries at times. Or... I don't even know what it is.

Someone tell me, please, I'm serious -- does anyone have any clue why my mother would be wanting my indigent father's financial information because she thinks that after 5.5 years of sacrificing, I'm possibly unethically dipping into a piddly few hundred a month...?

Ugh. So nice that I'm obviously considered such a gem of a person by my mother. :-/

Hi Alli, and yes, I don't understand why it is any of your Mom's business, as haven't they been divorced for many years now, unless her name is somehow still attached to his financials, or the trust? And unless your brother has put her up to it, she is just being nosey. Maybe she is wondering where you get your money for traveling to visit over Christmas, and how you come up with the money to buy your Dad, nephews and niece such nice gifts? Of course you told us of the great sale you hit up, so we know you hit upon great deals!

Your brother saying IT'S YOU JOB, to prepare Dads home for sale, doesn't he know what you have been up to with the flood and repairs/remodeling of the basement? I would have turned to him and Told Him, IT'S YOU JOB, to get our Dad moved in to the Senior apartment, and given him a timeline/deadline, or that You would be Walking away from the whole darn mess! Then You can deal with the house preparations to Sell it! Pretty friggin nervey!

You did the right thing with your Mom, without coming right out and saying Bug Off, but with me here losing my patience, I'm not so sure that I wouldn't have told her where to stuff it!

I'm getting pretty feisty, and standing up to two pig headed Norwegians (no offense to other Norwegians, lol!). Both her are learning that I am nearing the end of my tether, and not to mess with me!

Margeaux, happy to hear that your Midget is feeling better post surgery! It is just like having kids! We Love them so much!

SharynM, the twins are only beginning to give their parents a run for their money! Haha! Next, they will be conspiring against them, as all siblings do, but them being twins, they probably have their own language and know exactly how to push their buttons already! How old are they now?

Happy day everybody!

Ali, do you think your brother is behind it yet won't admit it to you? Your parents are divorced right?? Sounds like she has an overly nosy interest in Your life. Good response to her, hope she got the message.

Golden, glad you are feeling better. I hope things stay calm for now, it sure makes a difference re our health.

Her name's on nothing, they've been divorced for 35+ years. Thing is - I know that simply giving her a statement wouldn't be the end of it (and I'm never giving her a statement, anyway). She would want to know what every little charge was, "how do 'we' know this is for your dad" kind-of-thing. She has this habit of saying "we" when she means "I" in this situation. She wants me to feel as though it's "the family" that wants info, this is a group inquisition... but no, it's just her.

Bro's not behind it. Mom did this bit of silliness all on her own. She knows she has no right to anything, so, in her nosiness, she triangulated bro into the mix to try in attempt to justify her request. I sent bro the login credentials. We both know how nosy our mom is about money issues.

Well... it's been a dramatic few days on the DYS family front. I'd like to let it go now and get back to the work at hand, and there's much to do.

I'm happy I could catch up on some reading on here, learn more about what others have been up to for the holidays. For past 10 days, I was preoccupied and out of my routine.

I hope everyone's feeling better and good, and having a decent week, and staying warm. :-)

Thx margeaux

sharyn - I have been reviewing how much stress I have been under the past few years - too much and time for a change and I am not the only one here. We all have been or are under a lot of stress and need to look after ourselves.

ali - your mother is just plain narc nosey - has to be in on everything and while she is at it how about making someone feel bad just for additional fun! NOT. I agree bro has overstepped his bounds, It is not your job to look after the house. You have taken on a lot in that regard, but it still is not just your job. You are looking at moving out on your own soon and IMO you need to concentrate on you and your QOL.

I like what guest wrote. "Ali, your job is to get your stuff packed, new location set up, and move out. There are professionals that get paid money to coordinate house repairs, much less do them. Said with love and care from one who's been there. Bro is not your boss"

Have you looked into that offer from the contractors? Is the studio apartment still available? How is the art prof? Your life does not belong to your family - it belongs to you, and you are separate from them. Try to achieve a balance between helping getting your dad settled in the HUD dealing with the house and carrying on with your own life, and having the latter occupy more and more of your time and thoughts. Surely the TO bears some responsibility towards the house. i know, I know, he is pretty useless, but if you always step in and make up the difference he never will or never wil find someone to do yt. I learned that lesson well doing volunteer work. When I actually stepped down from a position, some one else stepped up.who would not have if I had stayed around, You don't owe your family anything no matter what they say - quite the opposite

stacey - I have experience with stubborn Norwegians. I am glad you are strong. There may come a time you have to put your foot down. There is a play between your hub ad his dad. Hub will never please his dad, no matter what. Fil needs good professional care, probably an NH soon at the rate he is going. or a friendly ALF who will help him when he falls. Good luck.

glad - you are winding down this job and packing like a mad woman I expect. Hope you get some good leads for as rental where you are going.