The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, I hope you feel better soon!

I actually contacted one of the children in that family today to see how their mom was doing. She's progressed quite a bit into her dementia since this past summer when they asked me to care for her. She is no longer driving and was let go from her job due to her dementia. The children are at odds about how to care for her. A couple of them are splitting shifts staying with her, and one of her siblings stays with her one day a week, but she is rapidly getting worse. The one I spoke to today said they understand that outside help is needed, but the one child who has kind of taken charge of the situation is resisting getting outside help. Not sure why. I'm glad to know that she is no longer driving or working and at least has help with her most of the time now. I know it's hard for her to understand why she has to stop being so active - she's always been go, go, go and incredibly active, but something is going to have to change soon in terms of her care - I'm thinking she's going to have to be placed or have full-time in-home help soon.

Golden,
I don't mean people here on AC rushing to put there loved one in a 'facility', but I do hear of many (from my experiences) that don't want to deal with their parents (especially)... Closest example are my 2 brothers. They would have had my mother anywhere, but have to 'deal/assist' with her... even when she was healthy to live on here own (they made sure that they were never around/able to help or get 'involved' with helping her in any way, shape or form. All they care about (and, still care about) is living their 'own' life with no responsibilities to their mother.
Yes, a facility is a wonderful source at the appropriate time... and, even if this time comes for my mother, I know I will be the only one making all the decisions.
It's empathy/respect/help I see lacking for our elders from family members (if an older person is even 'lucky' enough to have a family member).
I have a cousin who took care of his wife with MS at home for 40 years after they diagnosed her right after marriage and giving birth to one son that they adored... This son didn't go to see his mother on her death bed, nor did he go to her funeral. He hasn't and doesn't want anything to do with helping his father who is in bad health. It has been about 8 years now (long, sad story)...
I guess I've heard too many sad, selfish stories.

Sharyn, I've been meaning to contact Amazon and ask them why their kindle app is 100% better than all their kindles' libraries. I just love using the iPad to read Amazon books. When I'm trying to read a specific author's book series, On the iPad, I just tap Author and the alphabet appears on the right. I just tap "M" and it starts the list on"M" and I just scroll to it..... on both kindles, to reach "M", it opens on "A" then scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll...oops,accidentally opened a book, back to A because my finger was faster on the button and pressed the wrong thing. Back to scrolling from 'A'... oops, accidentally opened a book........ and Yes. I tried using the terrible Search engine on top but it insists I can only find that author in the bookstore and can't find it in the library.

Susan, $500 is a great deal, you know. You have FREE rent and extra $500 spending money. {being sarcastic.} Even if they offered $1000.00 or higher, you won't have time to enjoy it. Can you imagine trying to get some vacation time? I can see them hemming, humming, and a 'let me find someone to cover for you ' and being delayed, delayed, until months later... 'oh! We can't find someone!' {meaning - who is willing to work for pittance like you...} Nope! I'm not sure if it's clueless or trying to spend as little money on mom's care.

Or trying to spend as little of mom's money as possible.

s believe that sacrificing your financial situation to the point of losing hour home, pension, and marriage to take care of parents.

My mother was very selfish, difficult to get along with and abusive. Yet, both my parents planned well for their golden years. I should say their employers had good pension plans. Yes there are some people who just don't want the responsibility...but maybe it is best they dont have it. Most facilities today are providing good care. My sis and I were very involved with our mothers care in a facility. All decisions were ours not theirs. We were there taking her to all appointments so we knew what was going on at all times. Those that want to save the parents money for their inheritance, do so out of their own selfishness. Other do it because of what they believe and provide excellent hands on care for their parents. I give those caregivers my 100% respect but I also give my 100% respect to those who are hands on with a parent in a facility. Both ate hard and heartbreaking.

Book, I was just thinking....if they added another zero to that $500 per month and made it $5,000 per month, I MIGHT consider it. LOL

Nah. Never mind.

Susan, you dont want to go there. Not at all...

Book, my opinion is that Apple has much better programs and is so easy to navigate even with no manual. I will never have another cell phone that is not an Iphone, With an Ipad I can call my daughter and facetime as well as access websites without the browser freezing. It is portable. I will still have my computer for my photos ect, but Apples programs are so much easier to learn and the apps are great. I miss placed my iphone recently, it fell under the bed. I tried calling it but could not hear it ringing. I called the Iphone store near me, and they accessed my computer setting off an alarm so I could find it. No charge of this service.Yes, I felt rather silly finding it under the bed. :LOL!!! but at least it was not lost or stolen.

Trust me, Sharyn, I was joking - there's no amount of money that could get me back into caregiving again. The only way I would do it now is if it were one of my kids that needed me.

Happy New Year to all! The weekend has been stressful. My nieces father-in-law returned all of the jewelry to my aunt to take care of for my mother. He called me and said that my niece, her husband and their two children would be living at his house and he would make sure that they did not visit my Mom. My aunt also called me and said that she would check on mom at least once a week, but that was the only commitment she would make. She said she doesn't want to deal with my brother. And to top things off, the Assisted Living apartment called and they are not acting to let mom stay. She has been distant, uncooperative and doesn't participate with others and does not participate in helping herself. They have said that they will ask her to leave if she doesn't improve or doesn't have better family support. I will not move back there. But I really don't know what to do with her.

Golden, are you sure of your moms age? Hard to believe she has done so well with all of that.

susan - getting there I think, thx. Sad what old age and dementia does to a person - especially when they don't understand. I am glad they are looking after her.

heart - thx for the clarification. Yes, you are carrying the whole load, Terrible that your cousin has no one to care for him. I know your two brothers are self centered. My sis's main concern in placing mother was cost - not what mother needed.

book - hi - nice to see you here again. I actually bought some fiction "The Yukon Grieves for No One" a mystery by Lynn Berk and her first book. I have been in the Yukon so I hope it will be interesting.

sharyn - my dd loves apple too - so easy. They set off an alarm! What a great service!!!

upset - it must be very stressful for you. Glad that your uncle stepped in and that your aunt will visit once a week. Your mum may be trying to force the issue of you returning by being uncooperative in the ALF. Do you have to do anything with her? Is it your problem? I thought that your other bro was looking after things there.

glad - more packing today??? It is remarkable isn't it? She did end up using a cane after her second hip op. They gave her a going over before the op to see if they could use full anesthetic and she came out A1. Apparently those who live very long lives are resilient - they bounce back. I guess that describes mother. She is having trouble coughing up phlegm due to the muscle weakness of vascular dementia. Some months ago she had a bad cough and a fever. I know something like that could be the beginning of the end for her. They gave her Tyenol and 4 days later she was better. She hasn't had anything like that since. When I visit her she looks wonderful and has lovely pink cheeks. Go figure! 105 coming up in May. I never thought she would make it.

upset - (((((((hugs))))) I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but to warn you against being manipulated. I like what guest wrote.

Yes Golden, they access your computer and it showed my house and where my phone was in the house, they they had me click on a button on my computer screen to activate an alarm so my phone started beeping. I was concerned I left my phone at a store I went to the night before. They did not charge me for it. Apple is great for me anyway.

Upset, why is the ALF calling you? Discourage them. You don't still have any formal or official responsibilities towards your mother, do you?

Upset, is the AL calling YOU, or is this what some other family member is reporting to you?

I would speak to someone in charge at the facility (DON, Social Worker, Administrator) and make it quite clear that you live at quite a distance, was a live in caregiver for your mother for several years and that you have made the difficult decision to move back to your own home for reasons of health. Make it abundantly clear that Mom living with you is not an option.

As others have pointed out, this may be manipulation by family members, or it may be because the facility is being given inaccurate information ("oh, my sister just went on vacation for a few week") .

Margeaux, sounds like this friend is quite the busy body with no social clues. Very annoying and rude. I nave a co worker who will ask how much I put on a gift card tod my hubs or my kids for Christmas. I always lie about the amount, one of these times I may say some absurd amount just to see how she reacts.

I am happy to read your mother has regained some strength. Didn't she have a UTI? At least you did not have to experience the bathroom situation again, but it does sound like it is tight quarters with the walker involved.

We are going to have rain off and on today, plus much more is expected Tuesday and Wednesday. I am not looking forward to bringing Midget home after surgery tomorrow in the rain. I will wait for hubs so I can make sure she is covered well getting in and out of the car.

Have a good day and stay warm.

(Reading... mischievous face emoji is purple on my iPhone lol)

Hey all, good to see people getting and giving some great input here the past week. I've been busy with ... stuff ... still out of town but heading back up tonight, likely.

My dad seems capable of using new Jitterbug mobile phone. I'm very happy. It's $15 per month for 200 mins and I think that's all he'll ever need (they do "rollover" extra mins for 60 days, in case he just so happens to have a few long calls one month).

I'll be consulting with elder law attorney in the "Illiana" area, someone who knows both Illinois and Indiana's state regs better and can advise on any issues, but bro wants to be sure. Ok, no problem.

Trust Officer had recommended an attorney in the area who I feel was Way Overpaid in past, and who also had a big hand in betraying my grandmother and father several years ago when accusations of abuse were filed in court docs, and this atty - whose father (also an atty) had been very close with my grandfather...

Anyway, NO, the previously overpaid, not acting in best interest of family, thick as thieves with Trust Officer for 30 some years now... THAT attorney isn't going to represent my father's best interests in his transition. I'll find the person who will be paid reasonable amount and have my family's best interest, not too protective of Trust Officer (he's gotten away with almost literal murder at this point already..)...

Sigh, ramble, the weight of Dad Drama is still upon me but less all the time. I am also thinking of myself and my short term goals. Trying to wisely navigate this time of transistion.

I could get lost (at least temporarily) in my disgust and anger at Trust Officer and this Old Family Attorney for what they were part of at end of my grandmothers life but it benefits no one to indulge in that, least of all me.

May everyone's 2017 be a surprisingly wonderful and productive year for you. My resolutions are to spend one hour reading and one hour running (slow jog is fine lol) 1x a week. I haven't been doing either of those things, even on train to work (the reading part lol), opting instead for playing games on my phone or other easy distraction. I think reading again could help to slow me down and get me to focus better? There are some studies that suggest this.

Cheers to all! Many (((hugs))).

Yay!!! I am on. Lazy relaxing days here. We bought a new printer for the computer that can be used from hubs laptop via wifi. Got the iPad and all set up except for transferring books over.

Tomorrow we except some heavy rain and Midgets surgery so I willl have to keep her protected from getting wet when she is allowed to come home.

Oh WOW. 😢 Having the closest thing to panic attack in some time, triggered by a surprise conversation with my father. I was going to take him to grocery store with me (just to get him out of the house, walk around, practice his new cell phone, practice his bank debit card [he wanted to "cash a check" -- I said, "not from out of state, you can't, I'll show you how to use your debit card to get money for now.]).

I asked him, cluelessly and routinely, "do you need more peanut butter and jelly?" as I'm making my grocery list for him. He asks me ... "well, how long am I staying for?" And I was confused because I thought I thought I thought he uderstood and wanted to stay at bro's and knew he couldn't move back to Chicago house that has tons of problems and Trust is going definitely going to tear down garage if he moves back up there....

Criminy...

And when I saw what was happening, that my dad didn't understand the financials of everything, and I had already said to SIL and bro that I would show my dad, on paper, how $2,500 out of Trust per year is much better than current $15k out of Trust per year...

And it snowballed into this 1 millionth conversation where I try to patiently explain to my mentally challenged father WHY HE HAS TO EFFING MOVE! And it's SO SIMPLE AND IN HIS BEST INTEREST. But... he doesn't understand why he can't say to Trust Officer (who, in his words, has being (doing great job of managing Trust for 40 years") will forgo tearing down garage "because that's what (my dad) wants." HAHAHAHAHAHA ... except it's not funny, it's so stressing on me, because I've had this same convo 1 million times, except it's not dementia, so instead of accepting that he can't understand and I'll just say "Look over here, how about some lemonade?", and that moves the convo away from this topic...

I foolishly start rehashing with my dad the absolute awfulness of the past 5.5 years. Sh!t, and now I'm crying and practically yelling (not yelling, just loud because that's how I try to *emphasize* things to him...)...

And I asked Bro to help me with the conversation because 1) it stresses me out and I knew it would, and 2) bro can help reinforce these things, and 3) he's not doing ANYTHING ELSE AT THAT MOMENT...

But no, he sits in his room and listens to me get all upset... I'm trying to be clear and calm but reminding my dad of how the Trust does WHATEVER IT WANTS AND ALWAYS HAS AND THE GARAGE WILL BE NO DIFFERENT... that involved talking about how they collaborated to file an eviction against my dad 5 years ago, how the T.O., same exact T.O as 30 years ago same as today, that one called local P.D. where he has clout and said I was a drug user and my dad was physically abusing my grandmother (he wasn't and State Dept of Aging had all but cleared him from that stupid allegation that was launched because one of my idiot cousins took my 102 year old grandmother on a road trip IN A CAR from Chicago to Dallas, and my grandmother got a big bruise on her face, likely from her sleeping against something hard in the back seat of the car...)...

Christ! Omg... breathe, Ali, breathe. I inherited "fixing" everyone else's lack of concern about my grandmother and my dad's situation. I got it launched onto me like a tornado from out of nowhere 5.5 years ago and it's STILL HAPPENING. And when my dad doesn't understand he cannot go back, and my bro doesn't help me explain that to him and back me up, I just...

... about had a panic attack. And thank you for letting me vent.

I must get away from this situation. I told my SIL and bro "this conversation is going to give me a lot of anxiety" but I felt I owed it to my dad to try to explain, but DAMMIT can they help out??? They let me do it all by myself, listened from their bedroom, one room away. They're doing their lives, they wanted to go to Menard's to look at a new kitchen wall tile backsplash... isn't that lovely??? I hleped SIL measure for it, after I brought the whole family Subway sandwiches for dinner, and now I'm getting my dad's groceries for the next month, but can they fkn help me explain to my dad that the Trust can and will tear down the garage, but my dad could save about $12k a year by getting away from that "doing a great job" Trust and live out his life in peace and safety away from that chaotic situation that has churned me into a pile of STRESS...

Wait. I was done venting. Done again. Moving on. I did it. I explained. The best I could. I rehashed the miserable last 5 years, reminded my dad that Mr. TO is NOT his friend, that TO HAS done things very much against my dad's best interests, and it will be much better to move on...

Did it. Patting myself on the back... while sipping some leftover NY champagne... and I'll get the shopping done and I'll get the house put back together asap after I drive back tonight, and I'll sit on the Trust until they fix the things that need fixed, and I'll find --

-- I'll find an independent Elder Law attorney that will give the best input on how to get this Trust moved to Indiana and protect my dad's little bit of money for his benefit...

I can do it all, I can't do it around my dad, because he stresses me out so much. Even if it weren't for the painful last 5.5 years, he always stressed me out before because of how he treated me inappropriately and the childhood issues.

I'm glad I can finally admit that. That's a big step.

"Hi, my name's Ali, and being around my dad is very destructive to my psyche."

Admitting it is the first step. Hah. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. Why couldn't bro step in and help me...? Stuff like this is WHY I resent him so much. His smug "I'm such a good and righteous dude" attitude while he lets me tear myself down trying so hard to do my best for my dad. He jokes about my "losing my mind," being "mentally ill."

Now I'm crying. Dammit. I'll be fine.

I didn't *really* think I was going to spend 10 days at bro's with my dad and not have a single negative experience... did I? *shrug*

I'll be fine. This experience reinforces EVERYTHING, and reminds me WHY IT'S BEEN SO HARD.

ok Ali. Still listening.

It is terribly hard Ali... We understand... I'm still reeling from the holidays that passed and I didn't even 'see'...

"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result"

Ali, I can't say I blame your brother too much in hiding away from that whole cycle, sooner or later you are going to have to stop jumping onto your white steed and just concentrate on getting done what needs to be done to get your father where he needs to be and yourself away from the whole mess.

B R E A T H E
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat

You can do way better disregarding referrals to some attorney with COIs galore. I did not use the one my mom's skilled nursing recommended and did very well.

What I mean is you HAVE a good plan. In spite of the profound lack of support, you have a good plan. You are a kick-@ss strong person, even if you feel like a dishrag after all that.

Oh, I Love each and every one of you guys, you Are like family to me now, so I can certainly see why you SusanA44, Katie, Mina, and others feel good about staying on, and chatting with your friends here on th AC, even after your LO's passing. The grief continues, and this is where you/we feel safe and cared about!

Golden, you are so funny, you little Minx you! I expect you will soon be having the car service Shuttle guy over, cooking you meals In Your Kitchen, Lol! You will have to find more reasons to need that car of yours serviced! Guys just Love You! I can certainly see why!

I hope you are feeling better! I myself, have had a glorious afternoon nap now, 2 days in a row, waking up when its pitch black outside, thinking its like 11pm, but it's only 5:30pm! Very restorative sleep though, my husband says, that when he tries to wake me (not wanting me to sleep too long, interfering with my nighttime sleep), that I am mean and grumpy, so he let's me be, lol! He should know me by now!

It's been pretty cold here, and when I get to snuggling on the couch with my Charlie-girl at about 3pm, out go the lights! It's weird but nice, as after a cuppa, I feel quite good after a nap, and nothing says an old retired gal like me shouldn't have a nap, once and awhile! Now its a good TV night, so I'm ready for it! 😉

My Dd starts her new job tomorrow, so very excited about that! She is too, new year, new job, and on to learning something new too, is always fun, when you are young! I hope she finds her nitch at Microsoft, as they are a great company to work for, and if you stay on to retirement age, you can set yourself up for a tidy retirement! There are lots of opportunity for advancement there too! You can never be too prepared for retirement! I'm so thankf6our home is paid off, and I pray we can find Condo this year, and pay cash for it, setting ourselves up in a way that we too can afford living fairly comfortable for the rest of our lives! I can't imagine having to get another mortgage at our age! 2 of my sisters have done this, and it has worked out quite well for them!

I'm still kinda uncomfortable, havingbto deal with the politics of living in a Condo, as I know that sometimes old biddies get onto the Condo Board, and create problems with all sorts of rules and regulations, silly really! Especially if you have a dog, as God forbid they pee on rhe wrong blade of grass! But still, looking forward to it!

Dd bought loads of new clothes for her new position, and I gave her Christmas money to help her out, not that she needed it. But she's extremely difficult to buy for, so gift cards and money are the way to go with her!

New Years was very quiet here, asleep before the bell dropped, I'm so happy to see what this new year brings, hopefully peace of mind, and a restored faith that this will all be working out our way soon enough!

I hope you all get everything you wish for in the New Year!