The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

There was another twist in the family game today. We had home health come in for my father. They are going to do PT, OT, and bathe him for 3 weeks. Medicare will only pay for 3 weeks of home care now. We were most wanting someone to bathe him, because it is becoming too difficult for my mother and I do not want to bathe them. I just do not feel comfortable giving them baths. I think it is all part of being the dysfunctional family that I do not feel comfortable touching them in personal areas.

My mother said that if she was not able to bathe my father, then I would have to do it. I told her no. She said it was my duty. I said no, we would have to pay someone. She got mad and asked me how long he took care of me. I said that he was not my child. She said it was still my duty. I said well, maybe we could get my brother to come in. She said he was too busy. I said yes, but wasn't it his duty. I mean Dad supported him even longer than he did me. She said that not Lyn, that I was convenient. Oh, brother! I said you mean that I'm the girl, don't you? She got all red faced mad, going into her crying, just get out of here mode. I don't know how one makes some people understand that life is not all about them, and that daughters are not indentured slaves. There is really not much point in trying to make them see it.

Sometimes it does feel that you can donate you life to people, but they try to suck even more from you. No respect for boundaries at all. I had to pull myself out of the muck and get on with the day. I'll have to leave the anger with her.

Dear Jessiebelle, Do not let your family guilt you into anything you do not feel comfortable doing. You are kind to help, but please have little patience for manipulation which you are probably used to.(I only say this because of our topic) I thought I was being kind by being guilted into things, no more sister, no more! Good luck to you!

When I decided to move my grandmother into my home, my brother ask me if I were crazy. He stated that I spent my life trying to break the cycle and thousands of $ in therapy. So why do this, I ask myself that everyday, especially at 12and3am. My family knew about and contributed to sexual, verbal and physical abuse. I must be crazy, you all are angels, truly angels. Thank you for the support!

Baumgark, I like to think that there is something we are supposed to be learning from all of this. That may be a bit "beyond," but it does help me to think there is a greater meaning to it all. Being able to set aside my anger is one benefit I've received. I have a feeling that are more spiritual benefits and healing on down the road. It sure can be tough hitting those speed bumps, though.

Dear Jessiebelle, I TOTALLY AGREE with Baumgark...DO NOT let ANYONE, whether it be family, friends, professionls, etc...guilt or manipulate you into doing something that you are not comfortable doing!!! Once you start, they will "suck" you dry! I know! You have to find a way to say to yourself, "It's their issue. Let them hang on to the anger if they want it! I am, on-the-other-hand, going to let it go." If you can do this, you will feel better in both mind and spirit!
Good Luck! (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Thank you so much, ucantcare2much. My mother has been in a snit all evening, but I've just ignored and did the things I normally do. I don't like being around her when she is like this. One day she might get upset at my failure to obey and tell me I have to do something or leave. That will be okay because I sure do miss my friends in Texas.

Jessie stick to your guns -you have made a good start and everytime you set boundaries you will get stronger and also why is she not washing him-if she can not do this after the 3 weeks of medicare maybe she needs to be told he will have to be placed if she refuses to do it-you should not be expected to do it and she does not want your brother to do it so that leaves her.

I have to stick to my guns on this one, because the thought of doing it makes me feel ill. After talking to someone a minute ago on the board, it occurred to me that my mother was trying to bully me. She is upset because I can't be bullied anymore. Kids grow up, but some parents never keep pace.

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself-it took me almost 16 years of caregiving for me to stick up for myself with the husband and I started out with baby steps -everytime I refused to be bullied I got a little stronger until I became the bitch he had call me for many years-you go girlfriend and stick with us -there are good people here.

I know I am jumping into the middle of a thread but I want to Thank All Of You; you are all so very brave and kind! Many of your experiences speak to my heart, I will post more later... keep laughing!!!

THE STORY: In Oct.,2010, I recieved a call from Dallas, TX. I live in the Ozark Mtns. approx. 6-7 hours away. It was a visiting nurse who found my mother walking onto an on-ramp with her walker headed for an 8 lane highway. She had a cab voucher in her hand from the hospital near her home, she had gone to the ER that morning for heart problems. Long story...short version...
The visiting nurse (a complete stranger) got Mom into her car, found her address, took her home, called me, then called 911. The ambulance would not transport!! The nurse went on to work and I nearly blew up the phone lines trying to get help to her. I called the hospital...they would not transport...I called 911 again...they would not transport...I called the elderly abuse hotline and started a case...by 6:PM the nurse returned and my Mom was missing again. That Angel found her for me again!! I spent ALL of that day trying to get her help. Around 9:PM we were on the phone and she thought she had just had a baby (she lived at the same address for 20 years but had no friends or family near by choice) I suggested she go to bed as the baby would need her the next day. She said "OK. Are we done talking?" I replied "yes" and she laid the phone down and walked out the door! About 45 mins. later the phone rang...it was Dallas Police telling me they were arresting her without a warrent and placing her in a mental hospital. I was in Dallas the next day...

I will write more later, as you know with emotional situations I have a need to refresh, relax, and rest. TTFN

Banshee, I have heard a lot, but this is about the worst I've heard. It sounds like full-blown dementia to me. I know you are trying to figure out what to do next. We're here to listen to you, hon. Big hugs.

Ambulances do not transport a pt. from a hospital back home but the social workers at the hospital should have assesed the pt. and if needed made sure the women had a way to get home and also assesed her ability to care for herself-I think the hospital droped the ball-maybe the press should do a report on this and let the public know what has happened to this poor women. All elderly people living alone need to have a bag or something in their refrig. with their health history-allergies and family members name and phone no included so when being transported by an ambulance the emt's or parimedics can grab that info and take it with them in the ambulance for occasions like this-I sure hope this story was made public. Elders are very good at hiding information from their families because of fear of losing their independence or having to go into a nursing home.

Thank you for the lovely hugs and comments!!! It may appear that I am on the wrong thread; I am on the right thread...just haven't arrived at that part of the story yet. Please bear with me.

I would also like to add that this all snowballed about a year ago, Mom is safe in a local nursing home and I am still picking up the pieces of her life.

So we arrive in Dallas just in time for visiting hour. If you have never been to a PSYCH hospital, this is SOP: leave your purse, cell phone, no food or drinks, or anything without prior permission signed. You must know the patient secutity code and sign in to receive a visitor pass. You must sign out and return the pass one hour later. In the 10 days we were in Dallas, I was allowed to see her 5 hours total! We arrived (my husband and I) and I saw Mom for the first time in 15 years. Several years back various family members have tried to visit her, us included, but Mom would not let us in...she would take the phone off the hook and not answer the door. So one by one we each realized that the thought of any of us stopping by was creating far more stress than joy so we stopped trying. But here I was...praying she wouldn't yell at me. She did not yell, she surprised me by not needing her walker or a cane! She told the arresting officer to "Leave them behind, because I'm feeling vain." She not only walked--she pranced! (We brought the walker the next day.) I obtained her apt. key from lock-up and headed for her home. When we arrived everything was neat except the kitchen. There I found soup in the coffee pot and raw potato's in spaghetti sauce on stove, and something in the microwave half-cooked. The next day would be very busy as Mom's purse went missing along with her credit card. That night EVERYTHING in my world began to change.

Before that night: I was diagnoised with Fibromyalgia 22 years ago. I went several years trying to cure myself to no avail and enter pain medication, followed by lots of other meds. Anyway, in Spring 2008 we had 6 inches of rain, that night I began to vomit...it went on from both ends for 48 hours, I went to the ER and they misdiagnosed me (while I was in ER the Army Corps opened the flood gates and my brother in laws home was going under as well as the bridge to my home) 5 days after that I went to a different hospital and I was diagnosed with Giardia (a water-bourne parasite). I had nothing but ice chips for 10 days! In about a year I went from 186 lbs. to 104lbs. I need to share more about this later. But when I went to Texas I was still very ill.

So the days that followed were wild and wooly. I was on her checking acct. so I was able to close her acct. and open a new one. On day 3, her psychiatrist phoned and said he would not release her to anywhere but a nursing home, she could not come home again. That was on Thursday, by Saturday it dawned on me that we could be packing and by Wednesday the U-Haul arrived. My husband had stopped by our local nursing home when filling up for our trip, so I called and then via my neighbor, found a DR. that would accept her, hired my nephew and a friend to bring the truck and secured a storage unit in Arkansas. Meanwhile, I knew a little about her recent health issues, I talked to her about 5 hours each week and in July of 2010 she had gone to the ER and was given an MRI and CT where they found "bright spots" on her brain. She never saw another Dr. until

Whoops! Sorry... I am new to the computer.

The next Dr. she was seen by was the psych. Not that she didn't try, she had become suspicious of her primary care, so she went to a Dr. she had seen for several years before. Are you ready??? He specialized in geriatric care, and Mom was escorted out of his office by security...she had an appt. but was told he was not her Dr. anymore. I called her primary but it had little effect as I was not on any HIPPA forms...so she went without vital care for 3 months. Yes, both of her Doctor's work out of the same hospital the MRI was done at. All parties knew she had a brain-stem stroke in 1988. Anyway at this point all I wanted were copies of those test results! They were to play a vital role in her treatment and diagnosis. I told her psych about them, the hospitals are 3 miles apart but they could not seem to be able to transfer data rapidly. So, in my 5 hours of visit time I had to get her to sign 2 HIPPA forms (wrong form 1st time) so I could get her medical records so we would all finally know what was wrong with her. Seriously...I have a LOT OF RAGE towards our medical system. Fast forward through the packing, cancel of services, etc... The moving truck arrives and I had 5 mins of hugs and the phone rang, it was Mom, her DR. released her!!! I had spoken with him the day before, had told him we would be ready by Friday and could he arrange a medical transport as I was afraid to travel with her not only because of her mental state, but her blood pressure was through the roof and I was afraid of more strokes. Instead of communicating with me he dismissed her! There she was sitting in a chair, her clothes in a plastic bag, waiting for me. I grabbed a taxi (I was unable to drive for several years) and the MRI report and left the guys to load the truck. I actually had to explain to the Dr.'s assistant that A)Mom has more going on than crazy B)Would they like to call an ambulance to transport her to another hospital C)Here is the number of the patient's advocate that is helping me Are you willing to keep her for 48 hours until I can get the apt. clean and do a walk thru? Can you believe it? Who moves that fast? They re-admitted her, (we did not have a bed or any furniture in the apt., it was all on the truck to AR!!) and we were to pick her up Friday. We arrived, and waited almost 2 hours, her BP spiked so they gave me a handful of scripts to be filled and I waited while my husband went to her pharmacy $500.00 later...(and they couldn't use the medicine in AR). I went to the ladies room after telling the receptionist, as I exit I see Mom's walker OUTSIDE! Thank God my husband pulled up just as I was running to the door! We had to convince her to go with us which is where I will tye all of this together. Remember when I said EVERYTHING in my life changed? Well my first night in TX I kept waking up...this continued...finally I just set out my glasses, pen and paper and each night; I went to bed not knowing how or what to do about the next day. EVERY night, GOD gave me the answers. All I had to do was write, sometimes I would wake up to a list of cycles maybe 20 or 30 long. I listened and I heard! I faced so many fears that week and I felt protected and loved.This was the beginning of a whole new life, one free of wondering if GOD really exists, if HE does why am I in so much pain? Those and a lot of other questions are being answered one by one. I found this site by accident (or was it?) while researching Mom's nursing home stats. You have all helped me already, I hope I can help too! I am almost to the end of the TX adventure but there were a couple more nasty surprises to come in the next 48 hours.

My wish is for all of you to really feel loved this weekend!!! We may have crappy families, but that does not mean we can't love and laugh with each other. Thank you for letting me be a part of this stellar group(:

Banshee, thank you for sharing and I am glad for everyone's sake that your mum is safe in a nursing home. As far as jumping into the middle of a thread, this is a "How are you" thread for members who have dysfunctional families particularly, so anyone is welcome any time. Happy about your encounter with the living God. He makes all the difference.
I have been MIA for a few days, but have been reading and thinking of you all.
This is a heavy load we carry, but lighter for being shared.
Live hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
Joan

I am upset and sick ...i have the stomach virus and my sister in law just tried to call to move in with us and I can't because all i have to do with my husband etc. I am so upset that none of her kids will take her in or anything. Neither will the siblings who havent called in ages to check on their brother. I have to wrestle with this and that as much as I would love to help this woman I can't risk being evicted or worse ....she is not my responsibility i am already overwhelm as it is and then my sis wants to come up with a diff solution to sending my dress. I do not care I want it to be COD not the other way thru the ups. I am just done and I can't figure out everyone's else lives for them because I am losing empathy with many things and developing antipathy so i never get to touch base with my emotions so zombiefied state of mind is all i can do and deal. I want to be compassionate but as it stands my family comes first even tho my own relations each have their own rocky starts I cannot be their sheild or deal with someone they refuse to deal with it just aint right. I hope God understands and forgives me for my decision...

((((((((((((burned))))))))) I understand completely. Your children,your husband and yourself have to come first. You can't take on any more. You already have more than enough to deal with. I am sure that God understands too. As you say, she is not your responsibility and don't even try to figure out or take on other people's problems. You have a very heavy load with your young children and your sick husband. I am sorry that your sis has not sent your wedding dress, but I am glad you have made this decisions. It is wise. (((((hugs)))))
Jo

OMG Banshee and B urned how are you both holding on with all the problems-thank God for Emio the voice of reason here. I also got AC on my puter how I have never been able to figure out except it was the grace of God-both of you will get love and support here-so sick around. Emio is right as she allways is Burned -your husband and children are enough for you to handle. Your sister is a jerk as you already know -do not give her any more power over you.

Banshee, what a story! Telling it here is the right choice, if you ask me. I really feel bad for you for having to go through all that! You must be a super strong person, having made it to somewhat better days! It is great that you've found God because He is the way through any trail or tribulation! Everyone sees the Light in his/her own way. Years ago, a few weeks after my FIL passed away, my MIL and I were home alone. She was having another really bad day. They had a wall clock that was broken...hadn't chimmed in years. Well, do you know what happened that day?...It chimmed! Not only did it chime, but it chimmed 11 times...he passed away at 11 am! We both just kind of looked at each other in disbelief at first, but then it dawned on me that this was a "sign" from God to let her know he was OK...out of pain. I'm not sure this is quite the same as God talking to you while you are sleeping, but I'm pretty sure the results are the same. So, this is why I believe God know what each person needs for help and reassurance, and that's what He does! God Bless and keep you!

God does know what we need-he has the plans down pat. He answers prayers with a yes or no or not right now-our timing is not his timing-look what he did in 6 days.

The other day my mother called from the nursing home and left a message on my voice mail that she wanted to know what my plans for moving were. What? I don't have any plans for moving myself or her for she is in a good nursing home and her husband can visit her everyday. When I visited her, she did not say a thing about my plans for moving. So, I did not bring the question up. She did ask about her brother who died two years ago. When I reminded her of his death and my bringing her a CD of his funeral, she remembered that he was dead. She said that she had forgotten only temporarily. She's lost tract of time for she thinks it is time to go Christmas shopping and wanted some money so that she can go shopping next week and she thinks by then she will be ready to get out of there. This is so sad for she cannot even get out of bed on her own. Upon, visiting my step-dad, he told me that she might even forget that I visited her today when he sees her in the morning for he's noticed quite an increase in her bad vs good days as far as her thinking goes. For right now, she knows who we are, but she might reach the point where she does not remember us.

Changing the subject, I went to see my sleep apnea doctor and she said my machine needed to be reset in light of what I told her I'm experiencing with my current machine. Instead of getting another sleep study, she gave me the option of borrowing a CPAP that automatically senses what you need to keep breathing while you are sleeping. I'm using this for two weeks and then we should know what my machine needs to be set to.

Amen, Ucant - I have had many "signs" from God over the years - such as the wall clock chiming. A few months after my 23 year died, I was missing him so terribly, and missing his hugs in particular That night I had a dream, and in it he hugged me. The next morning my mood had lifted, and I could actually feel that hug most of the day. One year on his birthday I looked out the window and there was a bird in the white pine tree in our garden, with a red - and I mean bright red - breast. My son was wearing a t-shirt of that colour when he was assaulted. I ran for the camera but the bird had gone by the time I got back. I called the Fish and Wildlife office to identify the bird, and they said there wasn't a bird of that description. I looked on the internet and could not find one, but I know what I saw. I took it as a sign, and think God comforts us with these signs.

I currently am trying to sort through a lot of confusion. Mom and her sister had been living together in mom's family home (where we all once lived) Her sister, our aunt never had children so we come from a family where mom always allowed our aunt (narcissistic) person to be too controlling of too many family situations. It's been no boundaries! As aunt became older, it just became awful. Mom has Alzheimer's about stage 4-5; aunt had congestive heart failure. My sister and her two grown daughters (in their 20's), and one of their boyfriend's moved in w/mom & aunt about 3 yrs. ago. My sister is very good at being the administrator, tending to hiring caregivers and all of responsibilities. I live across town, and am not the main caregiver, but visit and stay in touch w/my sister. She's relied upon me especially for emotional support throughout all of this. We also have two brothers, who live further away, but really have little to do w/any of the hands on duties about the caregiving. I'm the eldest in the family, but wasn't the one designated to have either POA, nor MPOA. My sister does a great job, but often times I feel as if she is very controlling in lots of situations. Just the last three mos., my aunt's health declined to the point that we had a Hospice situation happening in mom's home until her death, a couple weeks ago. My aunt had given especially my sister & myself a very difficult time. She was a major bully, had yanked POA, from one of my brothers (he wasn't taking care of bs.),
but after this happened aunt had this "she was holding everyone hostage to her will," attitude. Her behavior w/my sister, myself, caregivers was so divisive, and has created disention w/in our family. You name it, from hiding what's going on with money, to bad mouthing my sister to caregivers, sabotaging caregivers.
Remember the movie "Baby Jane" with Bette Davis? Our aunt made her look like an amateur. Anyway, in peace may she rest. But after she died of course there's been all of the readjustments that come after the loss of someone. Mom is well taken care of. My sister is still living there, but now only w/her 22 yr. old daughter, who is not very helpful, and acts like a primadona. Just before our aunt died, this niece went into a tirade w/my sister. It was all about her, and she was trying to imply my sister doesn't pay enough attention to her. Now this girl just really lives there. My sister pays her car payment, and she's enrolled in college,
but recently there's been some doubt about whether she is actually attending school, in a serious way. Well during this discussion she and my sister got into, got really heated and niece became verbally abusive. My sister who at that moment had her hands full, called and told me all about this. This was back in December. Well, this incident created some real havoc for my sister, and of course I was very angry w/niece, that she'd behave like this, especially under the circumstances. My sister divorced niece's dad years ago. But then, my sister did tell her daughter she was going to have to go live w/her dad, which my niece of course didn't like. My sister says, she probably didn't want to do this since the dad doesn't provide any kind of a nurturing environment for her. Anyway, I'm just wondering. I honestly had to always psyche myself up to go visit that household while my aunt was still living there. I somehow thought that once she died some of the tension was going to disappear! But now I'm having to deal with both my sister's controlling aspect of situations, and this niece. Again, it makes visits to mothers not feel very warm and fuzzy. Oh, and just so that people can get a picture here, my sister, nor her daughter are the types that don't like to be told anything. So, sometimes I'm at a loss as to how I'm suppose to feel about all of this. I spent a night there last week when one caregiver had the flu. But by the time I left, I just felt totally drained by the energy in that household. Any way, any advice is appreciated.

Marge I am so glad you came here where people understand and care. If I were you I would just stay away from that house more since your sister wants to be boss and your Mom probably does not remember how often you visit-just go only when you feel up to it. I hope you have someone in your life that cares for you-do you live alone? do you work? do you have enjoyable past times or hobbies? let us know more and I know some of these great people will be able to help you.

We certainly have a dysfunction family. I even say boo and mom runs to the phone to call sis. By the time I get home, which is a 5 min drive, there is a snotty email on my computer telling me that I am picking on mom. No matter what I do or no matter what I say I am wrong.

UCANT...What a beautiful story!! I believe you had a miracle-when I shared this with my husband he got chills all over. He said that only happens when pure truth is spoken and wanted me to let you know that.

EMJO- I did not know that you had suffered the death of your child. If I could bring him back to you I would. I am so glad he came to you in your dream...and the bird...you KNOW it when they "visit". You are amazing!

Hey, maybe next week we could start a new thread about all the signs we get to help us find our way?

emjo, I'm so sorry that you lost your son. He was so young. I can't even imagine the pain!...I'm sure it never goes away, but I do agree that you have also witnessed the miracles of God that will continue to help you through your sorrows. I have had several of my deseased close relatives come to me in my dreams. It is always a comfort. My husband and I have even "seen" my FIL (the one I spoke about with the clock chimming) in the mall a couple of different times! We both truly believe it was his spirit looking over us. When we looked back each time he was gone. I'm hoping people aren't thinking I'm "nuts" right about now! :-) If I would've been by myself and seen these things happen, I would've called mysef crazy too!
Banshee, Thank your husband for believing! As I just said to emjo, if I would've been alone, I would've thought I was going crazy! However, when 2 people witness it, well, you just gotta' believe! I'm a product of parochial (SP?) school, so my Faith is very strong! I was thinking the VERY SAME THING...about starting a thread about the "Signs"! Do you think there would be enough participants? :-)

Nobody here is nuts! We just have nutty relatives lol.
My faith is very strong too.
Thank you all for your kind comments. Losing my son has been life changing experience - some things have become more important, and some much less so. The pain of loss lessens over time, though will never go away completely. The "missing" stays.
The only way you will know if there are enough participants is to try - nothing ventured, nothing gained. A few others have mentioned signs before and after a loved one passes. The whole experience of the two days when my son was in hospital was extraordinary in some ways, and I am so thankful we had that time with him, Even though he was in a coma, we had signs from him then.
hugs to all
jo

When my husband was unresponsive mostly the last few days he would respond to most people the nurses and our children and granddaughter but would not respond to me at all-I kind of forgot about it until about 6 months later and then got really mad at him-I feel he knew what he was doing-he was trying to punish me even though I was the one he had been so dependent on for so many years.