notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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me -I wanted to follow up from what Sharyn said. Any significant changes are difficult even if they are for the better, and you have to grieve what you are putting behind you. When you have been brought up treated badly you gain a very high tolerance for being mistreated. That is unfortunate as then you put up with it from other people and you have to learn to not accept that kind of treatment
part of it is building up your self esteem and also setting boundaries about what you will and will not accept. Without decent self esteem, it is hard to really believe that you should be treated better and set those boundaries. Please look at yourself and your strengths and your good points and keep telling yourself that you deserve better and that you can have a decent life. ((((hugs)))
My heart is heavy tonight for the family of the young soldier who was shot and killed in Ottawa today. I know what it is like to lose a child and this brings back many painful memories. Thankfully it was not worse than it was. A gunman was shot and killed n the Parliament buildings and that seemed to stop it. The gunman who killed the soldier is still at large.
I don't intend to come across as cold hearted to Me1000... its just that I understand her pain. I tried much harder and longer with my mil who wanted all control and her way. Yes we grieve.
I finally went to visit my mother today, after staying away for about a month.
Yes, I know this is rather long, etc. But my sister has her eldest daughter, 3 small babies, and her husband there. They've been there now for about 2 mos., pending some fixtures to their rented home. Aside from all of them......it's my sis's youngest daughter and mom, full house. There's too much confusion in that house right now.
While I was there, I couldn't believe all the toys, clothes, baby items just littered everywhere all in the common areas like the living room, downstairs. The daughter and her family are occupying a bedroom upstairs, as well as the other daughter.
My sister sleeps downstairs in mom's room. But oh boy, did that visit make my head spin, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there! I mean......I know my sister is helping the daughter, but I was witnessing how this is interfering w/care for my mom. Mom was asleep almost the entire time-3hrs., I was there. When she woke up, I went into her room, and mom showed that she wanted to get out of her bedroom to go to the living room. So I went into the living room, and my sister was trying to rock the newest baby to sleep, and signaled to me, not to allow mom to come out of her room. I didn't like that. So I stayed w/mother in her bedroom and we watched a tv show. She was fine. But all of this set up my sister has going on,
kind of gets on my nerves. I can't believe between all of those adults who live there, they can't get a handle on keeping toys, clothes more tidied up, and put away, so as not to trip on things. Anyway, this visit exhausted me, to the kilt!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux
Sharyn - hope you and baby Logan are better soon. I make a peroxide rinse which takes care of sinus infections. Dilute the 3 % you buy at the store 1:20, or even less if that stings too much, with boiled cooled water. ( 1/4 tsp in a 30 ml bottle is about 1.30). I put it in a saline nasal spray bottle and spray/ rinse my nose twice a day with my head bent over the sink so it runs into the nose. I have worked up to 3 ml in 30 which stings but does the job.
Nothing decided for my dad yet. I was able to speak with his GI specialist yesterday and became aware that the docs see problems with his intestines that prevent a feeding tube through the abdomen at this time. Also, his swallowing tests continue to indicate threat of aspirating anything given orally. Also, he cannot tolerate a tube through his nose. The only thing they can do right now is IV nutrition, which they are starting tonight.
His overall health, before this incident, was pretty good, though he was declining. I wonder how he will come through this... I've asked him about living wills/advanced directives in the past, he's always been clear he wants every means of medical science applied to keep him alive. I don't think he is at the point of hospice care yet. What he is going through right now may change that. I just don't know yet.
I got a call today from a doctor's office about scheduling a kidney stone removal surgery. The nurse/receptionist that was calling didn't realize my father was still hospitalized. I informed her of that and she said she would likely schedule the surgery for after the weekend to be done in the hospital. My issue is: my dad is without nutrition for over a week. If this surgery - however minor - isn't absolutely necessary right now, then I'd like him to regain some strength before he's put through any non-critical procedure. I'm not sure about this at all. I'll try to find out more tomorrow.
I think I've succeeded in getting my mother to back off, at least with me. I suspect she is still harassing the nurses and doctors, but I also realize they will do what is necessary and in my father's best interests regardless of anything she says. I don't think they were aware that my mother and him have been divorced for 35+ years. I'm not sure they're aware yet. I get different information and feedback from seemingly every person I talk to at the hospital.
My chest pains - that I haven't had in over a year - are creeping back in. It's stress and anxiety, of course, and I've started doing some breathing exercises again. I've made a doctor's appt and also started weekly therapy/counseling. The therapy was scheduled to start before my dad was hospitalized, and I went to my first appt for that a few days ago. I don't know that right now is a good time for therapy, but I'm not sure that it's not the perfect time, either... if that makes sense.
Everyone's input is welcome and valued. The hugs are priceless. :-) Hugs to all of you.
No news on J today. I is hard and sad to wait for an update call from his family. I do not call them, wait for them to call me. This is hard on everybody, but especially his Dad. They were quite close. I need to be patient and let his family handle it their way. Too much stress for them. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. There are some of you here that have and I just cannot imagine.
To all of you here - {{{HUGS}}} I know it's such a general salutation but my brain feels mushy, tired. I cannot read here on AC. I find myself getting depress when I do. So, I've limited my reading to here and the YOU thread. I think I read ABB's latest post about 3 times. Then when I started to type here, my mind when blank, scrolled up to re-read it, .. blank. I know we all need HUGS, so I'm just giving a big {{{HUG}}} to everyone here. Ha! I'm Spamming my HUGS to you all.
So grandpa wants to have the girl no longer come on Sundays as I mentioned and "save " that money. She deserves a break he says. So six days a week in the mornings instead of 5 Im on. Yes Im there all night anyway every night but still.. also Im expected to be around for sure until the so called time she was hired for at 9:30a.( 3 hrs) which she never does anyway but I would have to. I think I mentioned this. Of course all day on and off( his preference all day)
Add: grandpa says It doesnt take long to clean my home ( hahahahhahah) or his and my yard and soon to be his yard,take care of him, my disabled dad, and two kids with issues who actually equal like 3/4 kids on a good day. Oh Still wants me to work...and go to kids functions....and his drs too. Look at so and so etc etc..
Then: He says I do too much.. so I finally realized that I could use some help in my yard and I broke down and told the guy to come give me an estimate grandpa said good.
Just now :grandpa threw a fit and lashed out when he dies Im a fool to think I can afford $30/$40 every 4-5-6 weeks to get it done! Umm, the guy I think came out once before all year and didnt even cut my lawn, I been using a weed eater on it even when it down poured and after a week it was up to my knees! I been pulling those tiny little weeds out of the tiny rock landscaping .. weeds in cements, stop sign etc Im tired and have a lot of other stuff to do! But I had to cancel the guy.
Did I mentioned he said were spending to much money on clothes? I have holes, well, he bought me some clothes he was happy I did and within days complained how much money ( always been this way) we spent. But then walmart is a cheap place to shop and not where he wanted me to shop- he believes in Macys and such places . Can u imagine those prices? Wants me to go to all his appts when I told him he needs to hire someone because I HAVE to get a job and he blew! He wants me to work but when Im gone he says how lonely he is, how I should be there, How I should this, How I should that...
I love him and want to help him but I just cant do this 24hrs a day!!! He has three kids total, several adult grandkids,( ok, they are out of state but still) other retired family and friends, and available options for hired help. But its all on me and he says Im doing a good job and he feels bad for me then he says I dont do enough or most things correctly for all he does for me! I get that . But I could pay my way if I was allowed to get a job!!!
So Daughter is still having bad issues at school, son is still on this obsession about wishing we were dead or killing us. Same ol with everything I guess. Oh my dogs are finally getting dog beds soon, had to order them because they both eat everything in sight and ruined their beds! Kundra Dog Bed aluminum and a strong material for the laying on part. Getting two because they dont always lay together but big enough they could!
Have they given you any details about what they think is wrong with his intestines?
I suspect it is time for hospice but I would not even raise the question. Dad has already said he wants everything done to save his life so until he can come to terms with the idea of dying let the Drs do as they think right but not anything that will cause him further distress. make the drs tell you the truth about what they think is going on. Some one has to know so they are prepared to make decisions when Dad can't. mon has no say in this.
Allison, your Father has said he wants all means. That leaves you with a clean conscience. Do all you can. Go for Tube. You may see your Dad live a long time without being able to recognize who he is. For whatever reason, that is is wish and command. Who knows, maybe he wants everything done to be there for someone he has promised to rally for. Maybe it is you. If finances are a problem, you've got to talk to the Hospital Social Worker. Short of that, you are ever bit as much as a Mountain Climber, Everest challenge.
Your mother, she has old issues that aren't your concern as regards your father. This should be clean of your mother. Maybe your mother is side-handedly asking for your help in her processing some old confusions about your father. That is ok. But read hard about "Projection" and in this tense time, remember your instincts are best. You can take into consideration your mother's old hurts and meddlings, but ultimately, it is your father you are coming to terms with right now.
He is awfully young for swallowing failure, but I only say that because my own Mom was 89. Here is another Pam plea. I don't know what condition your Dad is in. Perhaps a smoker, obese, perhaps a genetic history someone will predict death date 20 years from now. I DON'T LIKE THAT YOUR HEART IS GIVING YOU SIGNS. Glad you are seeking therapy. Hoping your therapist is able to pierce through the obvious to the underneath. Not many of therapists can do that. But any therapist (or enlightened friend) is what you need right now.
You are witnessing decline, you are a trenchmate. Your father may rally and be fine. We can only trust the huge investment and caring of the staff who cares for your Dad. As for you, that you have no control, really, anyone can see how much you care. Will be thinking of you.
gladimhere-Im so sorry, you both were lucky to have eachother. You do need to rest. I understand, sis and I had to take mom off the breathing and feeding tube back in the day. She died very quickly. Its never easy but you have us too as you said. J will be watching over you. Your going through so much still, I wish I could be there for you. Im there in spirit.
Veronica91- Your right about how quick. Also reading what you wrote to Glad, made me think of my mom. You words are helpful to both of us.
Margeaux- At least your hubby had some fun :) Hopefully things get better for your mom.
emjo23- I think a lot to, but thats a good thing right? Just put what needs to be done down. Then you could put what is the hardest for you to do in one colum, the average or easiest in the next. See what skills your family and friends have, as well as any services that can help you out. I write lists nonstop- of course, I dont do everything on them! Your also correct like Sharyn said "When you have been brought up treated badly you gain a very high tolerance for being mistreated. That is unfortunate as then you put up with it from other people and you have to learn to not accept that kind of treatment" Im rereading my millions of posts from day one and everything all of you had said to me. I know some of you may have given up on me, but I understand why. I do need to do something. I know what I want but its just getting there.
AlisonBoBalison- I hope your dad is able to get his nutrition and strength soon. Glad your mom backed off a little. I hope you hear some good news soon :)
bookluvr- I understand and you can "spam" your hugs anytime you want! Hugs back and you get some rest too :)
50sChild- Very good advice for ABB :) I hope Pam is doing good :)
I did want to put a few things out here, because I appreciate the insight and input so very much and want to give a few more details.
Apparently it's air in my dad's stomach/abdomen/intestines that is the reason why the GI doc is holding off on feeding tube through the abdomen right now. They've taken multiple X-rays and GI doc says dad's intestines have these non-mechanical blockages, and the word "loops" was mentioned. The doc described it to me as a condition where the intestines have pockets and don't move food/waste through efficiently. I don't know if these are all separate problems or part of the whole picture. GI doc said my dad's intestines are getting larger, even without food in them.
Dad has bladder stones, not kidney stones as I previously thought. I advised the specialist that he is in weakened condition, the doc said they would schedule the procedure but may call it off if they don't feel he's up for it.
50sChild, so glad you posted about your mom's issues with swallowing. I need to find out more - if there are therapies to help him regain his ability to swallow? He is so lucid lately, even more so, it seems to me, then when he was at home. I think the stimulation of having docs and nurses interacting with him, plus proper hydration for once, getting his ongoing bladder infections cleared up... he is as sharp as I've ever seen him and I'd like to see him at least be able to eat/drink orally again.
More another time. Hugs to all, appreciate you so much.
And now for TS's and auntie dearest. Auntie is in town for Mom's 88th so I thought that between the three of them one would spend the night so I can go to see my kids. Welp, nosireesir. Auntie is afraid Mom would be even more disoriented than she is normally. But, Geez, she hasnt seen Mom in a year. Have the courage to call it what it is, chicken! TS#1, still in no response mode. Probably sulking since I would not satisfy her "curiousity" about J after the fire. TS#2 thinks since I had last weekend away, why should I need another already? Then she got mad because I didn't tell her about J. She doesnt understand that I just found out how critical this was last Saturday afternoon. So, no offer of help from her either.
I am so relieved to have the guardian, a social worker, helping me. She notified the conservator that I have a family emergency and need tomorrow night away since TS's and auntie dearest would not help. So, I will be spending the night at my daughter's house tomorrow night, and go with them and two grandchildren to "boo at the zoo". This is the daughter I have had the most difficulty with. Maybe now, we can begin to mend fences, I need tomstay away from talking about the twisted ones. I think I can, I think I can. They are in my nonstop brain all of the time now it seems.
Me1000~You are right about how we have a high tolerance for abuse. I could stand up to my parents..but when I had an abusive boss or supervisor...I crumbled. It brought up too many old feelings like a PTSD type of thing and I felt like the child with no rights or dignity. I am better now, but still struggle with overly aggressive people, very rude people that I encounter at work. Counseling did help me...but I did not get coping skills from counseling simple because I did not know I should ask for that, so I have had to learn much through experience. It is a life long learning not just for us who have these back grounds but life is (at least I think so) more painful for us than someone who does not have all the dysfunctional baggage to carry around. Blessings to you as I know you are listening and doing the very best you can, {{{{HUGS}}}}!!!
Life is really getting better!
Glad - When my mom was dying - within 2 weeks (told to me by several posters here that mom was very close to the end), I contacted all my off-island siblings. When we all were here, we discussed about telling my mom's siblings that she's dying. We unanimously agreed NO. Mom's siblings all live here on island. Mom's been bedridden for over 13 years and I can count with my one hand how many each of her siblings visited mom in all that time. We figured that if they didn't come to visit mom regularly while she's alive, why should they be told that she's dying? Actions Speak Louder Than Words. I do feel bad that mom's sisters/brothers did not get to say their goodbyes or to apologize to her for not visiting her. But...
So, I can understand where J's family's coming from. With my mom, we just wanted us siblings, mom's children, to be here for mom as she was slowly dying. This was our time with our mother. It would give each of us time alone with mom and say what we need to say privately. But most of all, we didn't want to entertain visitors who would come to say goodbye to mom and somehow it becomes an impromptu get-together party (mom's siblings are very good at that- especially that one time when she was in the hospital which we weren't sure she would pull through. We resented the uncles/aunties laughing and joking in the hospital waiting room. My siblings and I just sat there watching them behaving like it was a family get-together. Mom pulled through at that time.) This was our time, with our mother. I'm glad that we did not call her siblings.
FYI, I'm glad that you pointed me to the right place last year when I was trying to find a hotel right in the middle of Waikiki. You had told me that where I was going to book my hotel was on the opposite end of where I wanted to be. Thanks for that tip. I did find a great hotel right there. Very close to the beach, the zoo, the International Market, and restaurants. FYI, the International Market is No More. It's going to be replaced by a high-end store.
It must be very difficult for you since you said you are tempted to call J's dad.
I completely agree with Book about what she said regarding visitors when a person is possibly at the end of life. It is probably just too much to handle, added to the fact that he is in such a delicate condition. Just dealing with all particulars, as we well know here..... probably makes it all the more difficult to be dealing with extra people at that time. You have been very blessed to have had a good friend like J.
Your sisters are too much! They're only interested in gossip aren't they?
Your guardian sounds really considerate, and as if she is willing to go the extra mile for you. Have fun at this, what was it called "boo zoo?" Must be something for Halloween?
Your in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Congratulations concerning your job.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux