The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, I'm back. My family certainly is dysfunctional. Sorry I don't post about your situations. Just overwhelmed with mine. Here I am stuck in a little bitty town in the mountains. My mother is 200 miles away from me. My car is older, I can't go see her as much as I would like. Sister won't give me a ride. Actually sister wouldn't give me a ride across town, much less 200 miles away. Mom can't talk on the telephone anymore. So I have no idea how she is, how the staff is treating her, or anything about her. There is no public transportation here in the backwoods. No bus service. I am disabled and can't get there. This so frustrating!!! Sister will not give me any word as to how Mom is doing. If I ask for a brief update, I get screamed and yelled at. I think I may have a ride later this month but with someone who is not reliable. Frustration!!

My father has urine output today, the color is ok given the situation. If he has urine output, his kidneys must be functioning, right? :-) He is severely underweight and the staff at hospital aren't giving him any food because he continues to have trouble swallowing, and he might be facing a surgery - or two. There is suspicion about a bladder rupture and he may require a feeding tube, but nothing determined at this point. He was in decent, even good, spirits today. His jokes about food (he's hungry!) were pretty funny and never stopped. No, dad, I can't sneak you in a meatloaf sandwich. I'm still very tired (just not getting good sleep, not for lack of trying) but happy that the desperate situation and his level of misery seems a little improved.

Older bro is back from his cruise today, and both him and younger bro are aware of the situation, but no inquiries from either of them to check on dad. I'm not judging... I don't know if they really get the severity of how sick he is/was. I'm thinking I will send an update text message to each of them tomorrow and give them dad's hospital room phone number, in case they want to call him. Good night, all.

I did tell my dad today that next time he's sick I'm clubbing him over the head and taking him in to the hospital. He said "That's a good idea." :-)

That's brilliant, Alison, really good to hear he's in the mood for joking. And for eating! Hope you got his agreement on tape, there…

Tattoo his agreement on his forearm where he will always remember.

Alison~I am happy your father is getting the medical attention he needed. It does sound like your father may also be relieved as well. I honestly don't know anything about it, but assume it may involve dialysis???Hang in there sweetie, I know it is a tough place to be in and you are handling it well.

Glad~Good for you in letting the conservator know that you will make decisions regarding your step father. Sometimes these people just want to take over everything.

Juju~ Great on the good news for you and your mom. It is long over due and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers that it all comes to pass for you.

Joan~Thank you for info the anti-infammatory diet.I will look into ways to incorporate it into my work schedule.

I received an email from the boxer rescue foundation. They are located in Walnut Creek. Hubs not thrilled about driving all that way, but if he wants a boxer, not much choice. They are open on Sat 12-5 and it is first come first serve. A puppy from a breeder is over $1,500...ridiculous, but that is what breeders charge. I may change my mind and just settle for another small dog as a playmate for Midget. I don't want to spend my days off going on a hunt with no guarantees. I would love to have a boxer since they are great family pets, the perfect size for me to take out for pictures by myself...not willing to go that extra mile to get one. There is one at a shelter locally, they have had her for 2 weeks with no takers yet. If still available Sat, will take Midget to introduce and see how they react to each other...no guarantees.

Linda22,

You are right! I used to be more vegetarian before I met my husband. He's such a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I plan to do a small detox of sorts, very soon.
I have also recently really been devoting serious time to my walking routine.
I notice when I get off track with exercise, that I also start to feel those aches and pains also. Thanks for the encouragement!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Veronica,

Yes, the food chain is very polluted!
Current day too.....we have to be watching out for so many things.
There's just no such thing as clean farming anymore, as in the old days, when probably food was more clean in the sense it wasn't laden with a lot of this stuff.
Yes, and you must be psychic I did have a glass of the HAAH! house wine.
Thanks!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison i expect they plan to do a cystoscopy to look inside his bladder. That is just a scope they pass like a catheter. they can take biosies but not repair anything. Hopefully ad the same time they will do a gastroendoscopy which means passing a long flexible tune into his stomach. there ar other tests they can do for his inability to swallow. they may place a stomach tube at the same time as that invoves a small incision in his abdomen. As far as the kidney failure is concerned, that could be temporary and is onviously not total as he has begun to pass urine and probably the anti biotics are helping too. They may consider dialysis depending on his general health and quality of life. It's his call. it is not a difficult proceedure but many people find it very tiring and it does take several hours probably three times a week. Depending where you are you may have to travel a distance to a special center. As I said it is his decision but someone has to be available to take him. If the kidney failure is severe dialysis won't keep him going for very long and he will find it too exhausting. It may turn out to be time for hospice.
A lot for you all to discuss and agree on. Blessings.

Veronica, your comment is very timely. Something hit me today... I've been on AgingCare for a few years now, I've read about what is to be expected in certain situations and I'm at the realization that no matter how much I may even want to try to care for my father, it doesn't matter because he doesn't listen to me and I'm not preventing him from repeatedly putting himself in harm's way. I'm exhausted and need to sleep on it but I'm thinking I'm going to approach the hospital staff about either sending him to rehab for awhile, once they can sort out his issues and stabilize him... or getting him a home nurse. Something. I'm not "giving up on him," but I can see that I haven't prevented his decline. Still no answers at hospital today. This may drag out for awhile. They are testing everything and trying to help him be able to eat orally... but so far, that's not working. I was at hospital earlier, but home now and I'm going to rest so I can have a clear head and comprehend where he's at and what is in his best interest. Thanks all, a million thanks. Any and all input is always encouraged, please. :-) I'll give more details as I learn them but there really isn't much decided by his doctors at this point.

Alison have they ruled out a stroke? Difficulty swallowing is one thing but to suddenly not be able to eat sounds as though it has a more serious cause. Also the fact that he could not speak that first morningdoes point towards something neurological.
he will certainly qualify for rehab he has spent enough days in the hospital to qualify. Also with a catheter and feeding tube he should qualiffy for skilled nursing care in a nursing home which may be your best answer as you have to work. I doubt he will manage the feedings himself while you are not home. Think about what is best for both of you. You may find he has figured it out for himself.If he was a veteran he would qualify for a Vets Home. most vets of his age are from WW11.
Have a good rest over the week end. nothing will happen till Monday now.

Best part of a solitary weekend in the mountains? I don't have to have the volume on teh tv blowing me out of the room! Maybe I will sleep all day tomorrow!

I am off tomorrow...my agenda is 1) Check out Roxie, a boxer at a local shelter 2)make pumpkin soup with sage, red pepper, Jalapeno and a splash of tomato,add some pastachios...freeze the leftovers for my lunch/dinner at work. 3) make turkey chili...I found these recipes online for an anti inflammatory diet...will also freeze some of the turkey chili for lunch/dinner at work. I will go back to eating more greek yogurt and add berries to it for a brunch (I am not a big breakfast eater)...but I will work on adding oatmeal as the weather gets colder here. The pumpkin soup recipe I found uses coconut milk and chicken broth or vegetable broth. Here I go on this ...also decided I will call a Chiropractor on Monday. I know Chiropractors are great...just hate the time commitment of appts 3 times a week in the beginning.

Awesome...Just read that blue cheese dressing is anti inflammatory...I love blue cheese if I use a dressing or dipping sauce...not a big Ranch fan!!

I knew if I waited long enough blue cheese would be fond good for you-I feel so guilty when I order it on my salads.

I was suppose to read and catch up and I will soon. You all are in my thoughts .

Well as usual Im put down on my cooking( ok well, i agree to a point, last night it was messed up but its almost ALL the time complaints, he doesnt eat right he tells his old caretaker right in front of me when HE just refused a healthy TV dinner or Progresso can of soup that I cant ruin! Then he says after he hung up the phone when I said" gee Im bad at it all and not feeding you" he said oh god here we go again you took it the wrong way, I meant me, I choose not to eat... but he said it to his old caretaker after he mentioned one of her yummy meals she made! Of course he doesnt want to pay a lot for meals on wheels for lunch, the Meals On Wheels told us to apply through the VA and they see him as qualified because of his age and disabilities but wondered why I cant be there to cook, well gee wiz I was trying to find a job but most people here along with grandpa thinks I should be there all the time or at least 18-20 hours a day again! ( grandpa denies it then gets mad Im not there). So hes trying to find rides to take him to appts like a caregiver sort wanted free, but so far no go they wont stay with him and he needs the person there. So even if he pays someone to take him, he STILL wants me to go, see they are just a ride ( IM not driving at the present) but when I mention I need a job he says God yes please get one so I know you will be ok and yet he gets mad when Im not there! but Im there up to 12 plus hours a day, why cant my dad ( they are fighting) go fix a drink and meals, or he hire someone? Nights? I want a night a week at least with my kids( ok more) and have one night there for a caregiver at least. Plus I need to take something at night a sleep pill so I can sleep through the night-actually get sleep and cant do that at his house in case he needs me. Of course I get ragged on about EVERYTHING else too

Then Sat and Sun are my mornings off when other girl comes in( new sched was every 4days) and she leaves early so I have to go back, still for lunch and dinner and nights. Plus he JUST told me this morning" your gonna get mad and say I have you working all time but you are going to take all the dishes and figurines down in the kitchen in the morning because a neighbor is painting on Monday" And this was after I told him a friend of mine that he also likes is coming over with her child, and I had cleaning( last day before our air is being shut off for heater and I cant work with the heater its still hot esp when working up a sweat, and I promised my son we'd volunteer, and add it was my morning off! Im so upset! I dont mind helping but omg on my so called hours off? I know he does a lot but this is why I cant get nothing done or spend time with people etc. So, no cleaning MY home, no volunteer and no friend that hasnt been over here in sooo long.

My kids, well same old same old. My dads heart surgery went well but hes having some other problems so its a circle... My daughters dog.. mine as Im claiming her cuz kids have slacked off with them is having an issues, so off to the VET this week. My health is also worse, just not feeling right.

Well my usual saga of drama- sorry to repeat, just needed to vent. :/

Contact you Area council on aging and/or Adult protective services and tell them everything you have just told us.. How are you living without a job? Are you married?
Tell Grandpa and dad that you can't continue to do this and stick by your guns. Time to set boundaries and get out the big girl panties

Me1000, the point where I lost the thread was where your grandpa told you what you're doing in the morning.

Sorry, since when does he decide what you're doing on a given morning? If he needs the room cleared for decorating on Monday, fair enough; but where is it written in the home decorator's manual that the room has to be cleared by you? He needs to find a volunteer. You're busy.

Veronica91- I know Im so tired of this! My dad is usually ok to deal with, but because their fighting he cant go fix anything for grandpa( both their choices) My grandpa pays the bills, not married( thank god- couldn't deal with issues of a relationship ) I do say no and its world war 3 and yes, because he owns my the home I live in and pays the bills, its like do this or your out cuz look at all I do( I agree, he has gone over and beyond for us and words even actions cant repay him-but.. still theres got to be a line)

Countrymouse- Ya, I reread it, I make no sense! Im so upset! I agree let the people he hired to paint do it! Well my plans are now canceled and I told him that and he sarcastically said" oh go- even though I canceled them!


***Plus, I even hate climbing on ladders yes 3 steps is to high and I have the dropsies, is why I prefer to use and wash plastics! Or metal... Add I had plans!
Plus he brought up money, money, money again. I been walking in holy clothes( ok a teen it was cool) but adult obese mom trying to get a job, with holes around the "chest area" and all over not good. So I asked for clothes and he did buy also for my kids but oh Im not hearing the end of it!!! ( Medical bills were high for everyone incl him but me(- I dont go) this month and non stop how we went through money etc. Yes add a few splurge monies for Halloween costume which was actually reg clothes for daughter and a field trip for son,books for son he reminds us constantly. I feel bad and guilty and told him and he blew saying when I say that it makes him to be an as$.

Oh add I went to try to feed him again because he refused lunch and the neighbor warmed up a tv dinner and a drink because apparently I dont do it!!! Just as he told her I didnt make him breakfast on Friday but I did, hash browns and eggs with cheese and she to my face said" since he didnt eat Im getting him breakfast tacos" I told her he ate!! Of course if hes hungry again, yes, more food any he wants!! But telling people he didn't eat when he did what the? He really paints it bad about me and thats why all the neighbors hate me ( all but two houses) .

Me1000~First you need to not take what your grandfather say as so personal...he is going to complain even if he had Mother Theresa attending to him. Secondly, you must stop the cycle of trying to please him, wanting his approval and being available. It is really easy once you accept the situation. You make yourself available and you are treated badly, talked badly about...so STOP doing these things for your grandfather. FOCUS on your children and your life with them. You have more power than you realize...just use it...common sense...Stop allowing yourself to be abused verbally, STOP allowing yourself to be a slave for family members who DO NOT RESPECT YOU. It is that easy!!!

Hubs and I went to Look at Roxie...a boxer in a local shelter. OMG...the poor dog was used only for breeding, left in the backyard (Boxers cannot take high heat or extreme cold), when they were done with her, they just tossed her out!!!

She is so timid, she wouldn't even come out of her igloo house to greet us. We decided she would be better off with a family with no other pets so she can get all the love and attention to nurture her personality. I couldn't help but tear up when they told us her story. It brings on a rant but I won't go there but it is about people...how they treat innocent children and animals.

I am making pumpkin soup with coconut milk, cayenne, onions, celery...etc plus we are having Salmon with a mango/avocado salsa. Cooking always makes me happy and love to do it...it does take up a big part of the day..but will have pumpkin soup for either lunch or when I get home from work.

Sharyn have you thought of putting a want ad in the paper or on Craigs list offering a good home to a Boxer. Craigs list is free if you haven't used it and there are always lots of dogs needing homes.

Veronica~Thank you..I had not thought of that. The dog breeding scene is a racket. I called a # today...the area code was 916...here in Cali..that is Sacramento...an area I am willing to travel to...1 hour away...but the # ended up being in Missouri. They wanted over 2K for a female puppy saying the flight was only $85. I would not be able to introduce her to my Midget...they may be the show me state...but what are you showing me??? I am paying for a 10 year health GARANTEE on the dog for not inbreeding,,,I can make that up online myself..really???

Yes, I check out craigslist, Thank You!!

Solitary weekend?! Nothing to think about?! Last time I was here, MIL passed away. Today I get a call from friend's Dad, he had a call from the hospital. Remember, friend was found collapsed by his truck on the highway? He has been in the hospital for four weeks, plus now. He has been in ICU for 10 days, on a ventilator. Docs want to remove him from ventilator, and trach him, move him to a nursing home and will then need to have dialysis. They think he is in renal failure. Dad wanted to know if I knew what friend would want. I think he would want to be let go. Doc's also said he is in altered mental state. I think it is the end for him, depending on how long his family lets him go on.

May never come for a quiet weekend in the mountains again.

He is only 54.

glad - that is terrible. How did he get in such bad shape by that young an age? Sorry your quiet weekend has been wrecked. It never ends does it? You just get a break and something else comes up.

Sharyn - good luck with finding the right pooch. Matt was thoroughbred - he had his papers. I saw an ad in the paper for a give away. They had young children and something had happened, so he was afraid of them and it just wasn't working. He was 2 yrs old and tolerated the cats well. I miss him. Eating an anti-inflammatory diet is not hard - just requires knowing what to eat and not to eat and a little planning. After a while it becomes a habit. Legumes - peas, beans, lentils are good - and make a very healthy meal - chili, soup etc. I make big batches and freeze them.

me - sorry things are continuing as they were. I see that g'pa holds him supporting you and the kids over your head. He sounds like a bully. Bad mouthing you to neighbours isn't doing your self esteem any good. Glad your dad got through surgery OK. I hope you will get to the dr soon to look into that problem you have. Being dependent on someone else for your care is hard, especially when they use it against you.

austn - blue cheese - yum, though I can't have it now.

juju -hoping your new plans work out as you want them too, You could use a break.

linda - it really does make a difference. I had a girlfriend with bad arthritis and who was very overweight. She ate all the wrong things and got worse and worse. She was 6 months younger than me and pretty disabled - needed a walker. She needed more and more meds and lived in pain. I am convinced if she has eaten properly she would not have been so bad. Unfortunately she was killed in an auto accident last Christmas.

Margeaux - walking really does help doesn't it? I don't always eat what G eats though he has pretty healthy tastes. I concentrate on what I feel is good for me.

Alison - how is your dad and his kidneys and bladder? Have they looked into what caused him not to be able to speak properly? My father has small strokes from which he would recover, but over time they took a toll. It is important stay hydrated as you get older, It helps to prevent strokes. The docs should know that he was like that. I think looking into more care for him is a good idea. Look after yourself in all of this too.

cmag, countrymouse, veronica, everyone - hi

I have not heard any more from my son about meeting with them and will let it go for now. Having said that I would contact them, I will, but am in no hurry as I am still not up to par. If he contacts me, I have my answer ready.

Have a good weekend everyone and do something good for you.

He is an alcoholic. Another thing his Dad told me is that he has an abcess on his spine. Looked that up, less than 100 of them in medical records. But tend to happen with osteomyelitis.

My goodness, glad. He is in pretty bad shape - a wreck really. You must be having some mixed feelings about what is happening. He and the house - both wrecks.

And you have the court hearing coming up. (((((((((hugs)))))))

Yea court hearing on the 27th. Geez! Spent two days printing email for exhibits. Three, 3-ring notebooks of documents i sent to conservator, emails from TS's, living trust, amendment to trust, POA's, etc.

You have a lot on your plate right now. Hope you get a bit of a break since you are away. It must be starting to feel jinxed.