The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 1 · 2014-10-15T10:08:45.000-0400

I've been checking on my dad. His breathing sounded ok, even good, when he was sleeping. He's awake now and says he can't swallow still. His speech is really bad still, too, but he makes more sense right now than he did last night... his mind seems a little better today. I gave him soup and cranberry juice. I'll try to get in touch with his Urology nurse/doctor at VA and see if they will put in Rx for antibiotic for the presumed kidney infection, even though he won't go in for treatment. They know him and they might be able to help.

Book, what you described with your dad is what happened when paramedics came. They asked him things like "what is your name" and "what day is it." If he can answer those things and refuses treatment, that's the end of it, apparently. They didn't even take his vitals. This home nurse right now, Helen, is a good one. She is a no-nonsense type and has gone above and beyond in the short time she's been changing my dad's catheter. I called her yesterday to get her input. She told my father, on the phone, that she would be coming this morning to take him to ER but he said no way. She's concerned he is very sick, and her concern makes me even more concerned - if that makes sense. She's medical, and she knows what she saw/smelled in his last catheter, and she thinks he's gravely ill and may die if he doesn't get treatment.

Thanks everybody for your input. I'll keep you posted.

A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 2 · 2014-10-15T10:16:51.000-0400

Juju, an AHCD wouldn't be of help in this scenario, I don't believe. The AHCD is for after a person cannot speak for themselves any longer. The problem with my dad is that he can still speak for himself, and so can refuse treatment. Hugs to you, thank you.

M Margeaux Oct 2014 · Answer 3 · 2014-10-15T10:47:31.000-0400

Alison,

I'm am so, so sorry to hear this news about your dad.
Yes, an infection of this kind sounds like something to be concerned about.
This could explain the confusion he is experiencing.
I do hope that there will be a way for him to get into see a Urologist, sooner than later. I'll keep you and your dad in my thoughts.

Big Hugs,
Hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

G golden23 Oct 2014 · Answer 4 · 2014-10-15T11:29:36.000-0400

Oh alison - I am glad he is not worse this morning and that you have a good home nurse, but her words are not comforting. In an older person, an unchecked infection can wreak havoc. Hopefully the doc will fax an Rx for an antibiotic. If he is not emptying his bladder, he may end up in enough pain to ask to go to ER. ((((((hugs))))) and keep us updated.

V Veronica91 Oct 2014 · Answer 5 · 2014-10-15T11:35:36.000-0400

Sending good thoughts there is nothing else I can advise. have they taught you how to flush the catheter? Can you face doing that? I knpow Book went into a dead faint when I suggested that to her. iI really should be done twice a day. I have seen patients with urine like pea soup and apparently near death recover without antibiotics and a few weeks later are producing clear yellow urine. Just keep giving him the best care you know how.

J jujubean Oct 2014 · Answer 6 · 2014-10-15T11:39:21.000-0400

Do the best you can, is all you can do!! Prayers!!!
Don't forget to take care of yourself, too!

G golden23 Oct 2014 · Answer 7 · 2014-10-15T11:46:45.000-0400

Hi Stellalin - it is very hard to look after a parent with whom you have a difficult relationship, and not recommended if there has been or still is abuse - verbal, emotional, or physical. It is better, then, to arrange for care for your parent but stay at arms length. You ask how to start taking care of your mum now, but you also say she is good now -so I assume she does not need care now. But as you suggest you need to plan ahead. Does she live in the same area that you do? I think you need to gain information about the resources for seniors in your/her community. The Agency for Aging, Social Services, and associations for seniors are places to start. Then when the time comes, if your mum develops for example Alzheimer's, or dementia there are associations that deal with those conditions. Do read up in this site about looking after parents with negative attitudes, narcissism and so on. It is very stressful and can burn out a caregiver very quickly. Above all, you need to look after yourself, keep your job, your friends, you husband and kids(if you have them) plan for your own retirement. Don't allow this to take over your life. Be prepared that some of your extended family may not like the way you do things (((((hugs))))

G golden23 Oct 2014 · Answer 8 · 2014-10-15T12:11:21.000-0400

juju, Sharyn and others - re arthritis/joint problems and diet. I find that an anti-inflammatory diet makes a huge difference and may be more important that your weight as long as you are not obese. I eat a very anti-inflammatory diet and don't have joint problems often or arthritis.

Here is a summary from Harvard Medical School, Family Health Guide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simple changes

What you eat may fan the fires of inflammation. Here are some suggestions:

Get an oil change. Swap saturated and trans fats for olive oil, which has potent anti-inflammatory properties, or polyunsaturated fats, especially omega-3 fats from fish.

Don't be so refined. The bolus of blood sugar that accompanies a meal or snack of highly refined carbohydrates (white bread, white rice, French fries, sugar-laden soda, etc.) increases levels of inflammatory messengers called cytokines. Eating whole-grain bread, brown rice, and other whole grains smooths out the after-meal rise in blood sugar and insulin, and dampens cytokine production.

Promote produce. The more fruits and vegetables you eat, the lower the burden of inflammation. Why? They contain hundreds, perhaps thousands, of substances that squelch inflammation-rousing free radicals; some act as direct anti-inflammatory agents.

Go nuts. Adding walnuts, peanuts, almonds, and other nuts and seeds to your snacks and meals is another tasty way to ease inflammation.

Cocoa lovers rejoice? In laboratory studies, cocoa and dark chocolate slow the production of signaling molecules involved in inflammation. The trick is to get them without too much sugar and fat.

Alcohol in moderation. A drink a day seems to lower levels of C-reactive protein (CRP), a powerful signal of inflammation. Too much alcohol has the opposite effect on CRP.

Spice it up. Herbs and spices such as turmeric, ginger, garlic, basil, pepper, and many others have anti-inflammatory properties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and I will add - the more fish in your diet the better, avoid processed foods as much as possible, and manage stress!!!

If you find you react to any foods - have food allergies or sensitivities - avoid them as they are causing inflammation, as do, for example baked goods which have lots of sugar and fats.

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 9 · 2014-10-15T13:35:38.000-0400

Alison~Hoping you can get the Rx. I am sorry you are going through this, it does seem to be a common reaction for elderly to refuse to go the hospital. You are doing all you can for him, take of yourself too. {{{{Hugs}}}}

V vstefans Oct 2014 · Answer 10 · 2014-10-15T18:43:17.000-0400

AllisonBo, sounds like Dad had a stroke...maybe with guardianship papers they could take him on your say so even if he refuses? Or could you do the transport your self?

A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 11 · 2014-10-15T20:16:06.000-0400

Dad was ready to go to ER today. He finally had enough of the pain. He could barely walk but I got him in the car and drove him. He's still in hospital, it's the local one, pretty close by. I came home to get his room clean, his sheets are bloody and horrible and going in the garbage. But who cares, I'm just so glad he's in the hospital. I stayed for a few hours. His urine collection bag had a few drops of dark thick fluid in it, that's over the last 24 hours. His BP without having taken his BP meds in 5 days (to lower it) was 90/53, due to no food or fluids for several days, when he was admitted. He's 5'10" and probably weighs 110# right now. I'm exhausted but grateful he's in the hospital and he will get the help he needs. I hope he didn't do any lasting damage to himself. We shall see. Thanks so much everybody, means a lot to have the support here.

A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 12 · 2014-10-15T21:13:59.000-0400

Just got an update from the hospital. My dad may have kidney failure. They're not sure yet, but they are certain that he isn't producing urine at this point. When the PA was touching for "where's the pain" on my father, he didn't have pain in kidney area and I was EXTREMELY relieved thinking "ok, just thee worst bladder infection ever." Well... they're keeping him at least overnight to continue testing. We shall see.

He may not have kidney failure. I really, really hope he doesn't, of course. Geesh. That man... if he does, is it because he wouldn't allow me to take him in for his catheter a week and a half ago and was without it for 4-5 days while urine backed up...? It's too much to process right now. I'll wait and see what they find out. The worrying is the worst part but it just seems like blow after blow with his medical issues. Thanks, all.

G golden23 Oct 2014 · Answer 13 · 2014-10-15T21:21:34.000-0400

(((Alison))) - this is a tough situation. You must be very worried. I can imagine that it is too much to process. I hope he will recover and that he has learned his lesson. Meanwhile, look after yourself. His medical issues do seem to be worsening.

C Countrymouse Oct 2014 · Answer 14 · 2014-10-15T22:09:49.000-0400

Alison, wait and see is absolutely right. Have you got anything to hand that will help take your mind off this until the results come back? Turn on the tv, clean the fridge out (I know, I know, but it works for me), whatever will keep you pleasantly busy.

Whatever has happened, I really doubt that any extra arm-twisting you'd done to make your father go for his appointment would have made a key difference. You mustn't think like that, it leads to a bad case of the "Whatifs". Big hug, hope there'll be news very soon.

A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 15 · 2014-10-15T22:49:40.000-0400

Veronica, once my dad gets through this, if he still has catheter, I would be willing to learn to flush it.

Got another call from hospital just now. My dad's catheter - which is indwelling type, has a balloon at the end inside his body, was lodged in his urethra, not his bladder. Why that would be the case -- I don't know. I'll wait to try and sort that out another time. Looking back, his home nurse said to me that she wasn't getting urine output with this last catheter (put in Oct 8) and felt something was wrong. At this point, I'm not at all sure it was her being incompetent, I think he might've had a blockage due to being without the catheter for 4-5 days by then. When my dad recovers, we will have a visit with his Urologists and I'll try to get to the bottom of why something like this might've happened. Good night all, a million thanks.

G golden23 Oct 2014 · Answer 16 · 2014-10-15T23:36:35.000-0400

Hope you get a good sleep, Alison. At least you have one answer.

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 17 · 2014-10-16T00:53:57.000-0400

CM, really clean out the fridge?! Whatever. But Allison, no what if's! You would have done what you thought was right. But you have an uncooperative Dad there. You did all you could, that he would allow you to. And he knows that.

Keep us all posted. Get a good night's sleep and relax in the quiet.

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 18 · 2014-10-16T01:07:32.000-0400

Boy, oh boy! Court 10 days away and the dysfunction is really rearing its ugly two heads! And all of the sudden, TS's are feigning more interest and concern. Imagine! If only two weeks indicated aome sort of ongoing interest. I think the judge will see right through it. I sure hope this hearing happens! But i do have my doubts. I expect one attorney to back out entirely. She has been unresponsive to other attorneys even at this point. Give her a POA to prepare, otherwise she is lost.

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 19 · 2014-10-16T01:35:37.000-0400

Alison~Please realize that you have done the best possible regarding his care. When dealing with a difficult elder our hands are tied and we have to go by what the laws dictate. Your father has been getting progressively worse. His choices are still legally allowed which limits what you know needs to be done. Sending you Hugs, and keeping you and your father in my thoughts and prayers.

S sharynmarie Oct 2014 · Answer 20 · 2014-10-16T02:27:09.000-0400

Well Spice Girl was adopted already...not surprised. I have another boxer in mind that is local...she is estimated to be 3-5 years old, very sweet. I am go see her on Saturday taking Midget with me to see how the 2 get along.I have also sent out 2 emails for 2 other female boxers that are younger in Sacramento area. I would prefer a puppy so I can acclimate it with my cat...but if these older boxers are cat friendly, I will consider them as well.

B bookluvr Oct 2014 · Answer 21 · 2014-10-16T06:17:21.000-0400

ABB, thanks for the updates. It would be awful if it's his kidney. When my dad had his pneumonia and refused to go to the clinic until his left lung was almost filled with fluid, he was in so much pain and struggling to breath. Since then, he is so scared about getting it again. He insists that he sits up higher when eating/drinking. Sometimes he waits for me to come home because he says that oldest sis doesn't bother to help him sit up better when drinking. I tend to help him sit up a lot when it's my shift. So, I'm thinking that your father will learn his lesson after this - to change his catheter when it's time.

As for his meds, that might be another story. Hopefully it won't be a constant struggle. My dad absolutely refuses to take his high blood pressure pills. Before his stroke, after his stroke, up till current day.

A AliBoBali Oct 2014 · Answer 22 · 2014-10-16T11:25:30.000-0400

They doctors are still saying "kidney failure," the catheter in his urethra is a separate issue. They were able to get the old cath out and begin draining this morning. I don't know if I understood that fully last night, that it was 2 separate issues. Stress and little sleep makes my brain soft, haha. I'm so, so glad he's in the hospital and getting help. I'll be heading there shortly.

Glad, it is funny (and by funny, I mean predictable, haha) that TSs are showing more interest. Keeping my fingers crossed for a good outcome of this whole thing for you and mom.

Sharyn, a few weeks ago I put in an application at a shelter to adopt a dog. They haven't responded or called me. I guess I need to follow up with them but then right now isn't the time, obviously. Good luck finding your new friend. :)

Book, more and more I UNDERSTAND what you've always talked about with regard to your dad's stubbornness and putting himself in harm's way. You have more experience with caregiving to your dad than I do. When I first came here, my dad was not under doctor's care, did not take any medications, and seemed mostly just fine. His issues are compounding in the past 2 years. It's one thing that leads to another that leads to another. His decline, his weight loss, his rise in blood pressure have all been so... FAST... it seems. And my sil says something like, "his decline makes sense since he never went to doctor, there were underlying issues brewing." I totally agree with that idea but it's still been something for both of us to wrap our minds around all these new, permanent health issues. Maybe my dad learned a lesson, maybe he didn't. Time will tell, I suppose.

I am much less stressed now than I have been for past 1.5 weeks. Now my dad is in the hospital, and is getting help. So I'm not too stressed. Concerned, yes, but not frazzled like I was. I knew he was desperately ill and not being able to get him medical care was the worst part. Thanks for the caring and well-meaning input and advice from all.

(((((Hugs))))) to all, Happy Thursday.

C Countrymouse Oct 2014 · Answer 23 · 2014-10-16T11:34:44.000-0400

Thinking of you, Alison. If there's a silver lining, maybe it's a chance to catch up on some sleep?

If your father's kidneys were packing up he wouldn't have been producing much urine, so he wouldn't have felt discomfort, so he didn't feel the need to deal with the catheter, I guess..? I hope they're making comfortable now, anyway. Hugs to you, and no regrets.

J jujubean Oct 2014 · Answer 24 · 2014-10-16T11:35:28.000-0400

Joan,
Thanks for the input on A/I, no not artificial intelligence, lol.....I actually cannot read it right now but will get back to it. I have monster headache above the eyes making difficult to concentrate but thanks, I know my diet is poor and it is my biggest challenge as I prefer healthy home cooked but since mom went wheelchair bound life has changed, it is all about just getting something to eat as conveniently as possible. and food is my only pleasure lately, I am sure I don't overeat so it must be poor choices for sure I guess I will just have to force myself.
Got some good news the other day for once, we could sure use a break, It is literally a lifesaver!!! The stress it will relieve on me, allowing me to be a better caretaker and enjoy my time more with mom than it just being another grueling day of chores n diapers, etc....You all should know I love her more than anything but it is so difficult with the 24/7 hands on care all by myself. I cant believe this opportunity is before us, restoring my hope and faith!!!

Asking for prayers that this new development works out well for us!!!

Thanks again, and Everyone may you be blessed in the challenges you face!
Alison...praying for U!!!

Peace, Juju

J jujubean Oct 2014 · Answer 25 · 2014-10-16T11:39:14.000-0400

Oh Allison, (crosspost) Good Good Good, glad to hear you are in good spirits and dad is getting help!! XOXOX

G gladimhere Oct 2014 · Answer 26 · 2014-10-16T11:42:19.000-0400

Bonkers conservator. Now she seems to think she can schedule a geriatric care assessment for Mom's hubby. I am his MDPOA! Who does she think she is?! So I e-mailed her to inform her that I will take care of any of this sort of business in collaboration with him!

M Margeaux Oct 2014 · Answer 27 · 2014-10-16T12:14:38.000-0400

Cmagnum,

I'd wanted to post to you all week. I'm very sorry about your dad's decline.
It is good to hear though that he seems to have a caregiver who can accompany him like this, and I'm also glad to hear that he can still express some joy in the fact that you were going there. This is still important to an elder, no matter what.
Please keep us updated, and I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

M Margeaux Oct 2014 · Answer 28 · 2014-10-16T12:35:33.000-0400

Emjo,

Great stuff about the anti-inflammatory diet.
I had a flare up last week, and interesting it was after my husband and me went out. I do a lot of cooking at home, because I'd rather watch out for what we eat.
That evening......of all things I ate french fries......which I rarely eat. I also ate a hamburger. Red meat also seems to inflame. Then, there's the nightshade plants of which potatoes is one of them. Last week I cheated too. The husband has a serious sweet tooth and bought some delicious Biscotti's w/chocolate on them.
I'm afraid I went overboard. So by Monday, oh boy......was I feeling the damage.
Of course, this will also inflame sinuses too. Interesting how these conditions overlap.

Thanks for the reminder, I sure needed it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

L Linda22 Oct 2014 · Answer 29 · 2014-10-16T12:55:47.000-0400

Margeaux, I never would've believed that diet could have such profound effect on arthritis. But four days after doing what's basically a vegan diet, I felt so much better. At the time, people were telling me to try Celebrex, NSAIDS (which I was already using). I have a friend who found that carbs are her trigger - my sister is a big fan of grape juice with liquid pectin for her arthritis. So much better to treat the root cause, rather than symptoms.

V Veronica91 Oct 2014 · Answer 30 · 2014-10-16T13:36:21.000-0400

Margeaux I would first point my finger at the hambuger. heaven only knowes what they put in that meat these days. Then there is the bun, full of glutin and chemicals, if not in the flour then used on the grain while it is growing.
Did you by chance also have a glass of wine. if it was the house brand it was probably full of sulphides and other things. Our whole food chain is toxic these days

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