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Emjo- how rude of me to just but in like that. I cannot say anything to help you through your situation... i barely skimmed it a bit and had to stop, I cannot even let my mind go there, even for others, apparently!! It still bothers me too much, I am sorry So to prevent this wave of grief, I had to think a happy thought, like sticking my toes in the sand!!
It is calm but not really so dreamy...the grass is always greener on the other side.... However I am sure it stops the insanity!!!!.
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I mean i do struggle with missing having a family however dysfunctional they were.... it is almost worst than having them...almost....but not quite! it's not like there gone and the problem is gone. I am reminded often of them and it never goes away, bdays n holidays are the worst.
I wonder what they are doing, are they ok, it is not fun either!!! they were awful to me but i still care about them, i actually googled recently to see if they are still alive, etc.. After i felt so bad, was heartbreaking to me in itself to be in that position. their my family and i loved them unconditionally until their actions threatened mothers livelihood and well being!
Anyway not about me, just explaining the dark side of that choice! it is something not to be taken lightly!
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Screwy, dysfunctional conservator! We have a hearing on the 27th if we get that far. The approaching date has sisters more responsive to communication from guardian that up until last week had never receives a response from them in pretty much the past 10 months.

I think the conservator is developing Alzhimer's of her own. It is very bizarre. She sent a large packet of the various motions, etc. In her letter to the court she stated that I had not provided the information when in fact Isaw Started printing out all emails to Pat, a 3 inch binder so far with emails and attachments.

Getting tired, too many typos!
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Juju~I understand what you are saying...I have an older brother who does not know I exist...I tried to bridge the gap but he wanted nothing to do with me...I decided it was for the best since his wife's brother had attempted to molest me when I was 14 years old and no sense trying to have relationship with my brother when he has a stronger relationship with his wife's brother.

Glad~I hope you set the record straight with the conservator...may have an typo of her own when she clearly meant your sisters.

Joan~I sort of understand what you are going through with dil. When I was dealing with my mil berating me left and right, she did it right in front of my husband....but she did it very indirectly so my hubs did not catch on...but I did. When I had enough, I told my hubs about it...he went to talk with his parents about it...they denied it, said I misunderstood. Then the next time I saw his mother, she attacked me again..indirectly...saying I had to have my husband fight my battles for me. Her ploy was to pit us against each other so her and fil's relationship with their son (my hubs) would stay in tact. So be careful as I know you will be and Yes...do not meet with them without G/ and neutral territory.

Butterfly1~great insight and your own personal quote that is very true. We must take responsibility for our dysfunction even though it was brought on by our parents/grandparents. It has to stop somewhere so why not with us??

I am off tomorrow and Tuesday and much to do. Call repairman to look at the dishwasher as we can't figure out the hoses, no screen can be found and the warnings on the dishwasher basically say not to touch the hoses, LOL!!! Hubs was confused thinking the dishwasher was already 15 years old...lets just get a new dishwasher (may still happen)...but I reminded him that I bought the dishwasher around 2006-07. I will check out the oven/broiler tomorrow to see if it is working right...the stove top works so that is a good sign.

I have to take my new cell phone in because it will not hold a charge all day. Either a defect in the phone or a bad battery which I will not pay for new battery.

Off and running, have a good night.
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Over 10 days of missed reading - I have a lot to catch up and see whats going on with you all. So, 2morrow is a good day for that... to all - hugs.
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It is very hard with dysfunctional families I am going through that now which is sad because my brother is very sick and his wife is making it impossible for us to see him and she will be the first one to expect emotional support down the line-but will not get it from me-I have to just let go and not dwell on the situation .
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Austin~{{{{HUGS}}}}, your situation is very painful for you to witness. Such a shame when someone wants to have this type of power/control over other family members. All I can add that may help you and others....I see people like this being so hyper vigilant in protecting their little cocoon against any alien invaders, that their inner life is filled with so much turmoil and chaos which they themselves are causing...but just can't see it.
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I am at a place where talking about this issue btwn hubs is me...is something that requires me to not focus on it...not burying the pain and anger ...but if I continue to talk about it....the pain and anger consumes all my time. I want to tell all of you how grateful I am for the support here... it has been awesome and I never really thought how common this type of unfaithfulness is with older spouses. I want you all to know that if something similar comes up...even though I don't want to talk about it...for me...please give the same support to others who are struggling with this issue.

I looked up online the issue with my new cell phone....so I changed a setting about the screen saver turning dark...my phone was set to never...I change it to 1 minute...now my phone is not using all the battery life.

I spent most of the morning running errands...I have appt tomorrow with my PCP regarding my knee and lower right back. I will make appt right now for the repairman to come out tomorrow afternoon..hopefully that will work out with his schedule. Hugs to everyone!!
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Sharyn you were very brave and took the lid off the pot and looked to see what was bubbling inside. Now it's definitely up to you to decide if it will make a good dinner. You certainly don't need the rest of us stirring it for you. time for healing now.
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juju - my sis has never been an ally or a friend, quite the opposite, so I do not miss having her in my life. In fact, though it has taken some time to accept her as she is, I enjoy the peace. I have had to build supportive friendships outside of family. I am sorry that you miss your sibs, but glad you are looking after you.

Glad - that lady is very, very strange. I know you have all the proof you need to back up your responses. What a total pain!!!

Thanks sharyn - I know my son and dil are a united front and I have no desire to come between them. I would like her to work on getting mentally and physically healthier and dealing with her various issues, and I would like to see my son stop enabling her but there is nothing I can do about it but pray for them. I really can't afford much drama, so I think I will bow out of this one. She can set whatever rules she likes about who I can speak about in her presence, but there are consequences. I just don't have a lot of energy to devote to this. I will talk to G when he gets home, but right now I just want to avoid her. I know this affects my relationship with my son, but I have no control over that, or her unhealthy attitudes. I can set some boundaries too and need to for my health. Glad you got the phone thing sorted out. Hope you get some answers for your knee and back, and that the dishwasher gets fixed soon.

Hi Me - hugs to you too.

Austin (((((((hugs))))) what a horrible situation. This division of family by in laws is not nice. There really is nothing much one can do. I agree best to let go and not dwell upon it. In my case, I suspect my dil will come to me looking for support for something too, and my response will be different from the past.

Canadian Thanksgiving here. G has requested turkey when he gets back. No prob. He showed me how to cook it frozen a few years ago. It takes a little longer, but makes a very moist bird. I am getting over a sinus infection, thankfully. Maybe I will get out for a walk today too. I love the changing colours of the leaves, and the berries on the trees and bushes.
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to add --I was thinking about some of your responses and also other things I have read here, and I would say that dil is narcissistic. It has to be all about her. Even the church work she does is to put herself in the spotlight. I think she feels badly about herself, and has to keep doing things to pump herself up. I see her going from one project to another, and the older projects are of no interest any more, or the people associated with them. For example, she was reaching out to a niece with some of the same mental health issues that she herself has. Now she has taken on some youth work in the church, and I asked about how her niece was doing. She showed no interest. So how much was actually about the niece and helping her, and how much was about making herself look and feel good. Drama queen and center of the universe - aaargh - another one.
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Sallie I know you will enjoy that beach when the time comes. All you have had to endure will just roll away and you can have some well-deserved peace!
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Emjo,

Please share about how to cook a frozen turkey. That will come in handy for many of us.
Thanks
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Hi helponthe way

There are various sites on the internet if you google "cooking a frozen turkey" wikihow is one, busycooks.about and also food and others. The methods are similar.

Basically, you set the oven at 325 degrees and count on 50% more time than a thawed one the same size. Say 5 to 5 1/2 hrs for a 12-13 lb turkey. Of course, it depends on your oven too. My current oven is slow, my last one was fast, so I count on 6 hrs. You may need to adjust times. Use a thermometer to check the "doneness". Generally a low sided pan is recommended for even cooking, but I saw it done in a traditional covered roaster and the bird was lovely. It is more difficult to stuff, as the bird will be hot when it reaches the temp that you can remove the bag containing the giblets - about 1/2 way through cooking, or when it is thawed enough to do so. They suggest using silicone oven mitts. If the bag is paper you can leave it in, if plastic it needs to be removed. You can stuff at this point if you want to. I have removed the bag, or left it in. I make stuffing and cook it separately.

It is so much easier that taking days to thaw a turkey and worrying about salmonella etc. This is supposed to be very safe, and I have found it makes a very moist bird. You can tent the breast with tin foil, if it looks like it is cooking faster than the rest, or whatever you would do with any bird. In theory, this method gets the whole turkey cooked properly at the same time. Good luck!
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Thanks Joan and all,
Don't get me wrong, my sibs were never allies either, far from it, that's how this all happened, enough is enough!!! I just miss having family, not them in particular, I have none, that I have any established relationships with, any kids, sibs, cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews or in laws of alike, etc....... they all are far away in distance and bonding. Besides a 1 funeral and 1 wedding, childhood was the last time we all even talked/stayed in touch with the ones nearest. Most I have not seen or talked to since I was 4th grade on a cross country summer stay with grandma!!!!

Facebook is a funny thing too cause I looked up and found my cousins cross country, sent him a nice letter with friend request and he accepted the request but has not once answered a message or acknowledged me with one word? Why even accept the request then, anyway, I tried!
Just makes me wonder have several people do the same thing...do they need the #of friends to be high or ??? Well the cousin I do know best 8hrs away have talked a bit thru FB messenger, but very casual, it is nice to interact with her tho!
I think our extended families drifted apart due all the dysfunction going on in our lives as well as the distance, I cant be sure! I was just too little to know why but that is how it was..and come to think of it, probably why I went to spend a summer with Gma, some crap going on at home, none of the other California cousins did that.
All I do know police, courts, violence and tantrums were a constant with boys, and dad with the drinking but at least he tried to manage himself and saw a dr, the boys wont!! in our family, until it ended 9 ys ago, just a mess, anyway!

I wonder also now as I am writing this...I wonder if it is different cause they are boys...do women vs women family drama more common or intense than with the boys! IDK just thinking
So all that summarized, maybe I do need to correct my statement as ending contact is hard if you do not have any other supportive family! Thanks for letting me blow of some steam about this!
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sharyn I bout a brand new dishwasher round same time and that SOB has never worked right! it did for a couple months and then started backwashing waste and dishes came out filthy.. I was told it was the hose that needed to be mounted a certain way, and did that with the new cabinet install and it still doesn't work! I was by hand and put in there to dry! I am not ready to buy another yet.
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Juju~The repairman said it a valve that needs replaced...$158 including labor so I feel it is worth it since I spent over $700 for this dishwasher. However, I did ask him about spending extra money on appliances today and he does not recommend it because they are not built to last like back in the day. Your dishwasher sounds like a defect with it, you may be able to search online using the model #, serial # to see if there are problems with that particular machine.

I went to dr, he wants xrays...but the hospital want $300 up front...25% of the total bill according to my insurance. I don't have it right now...maybe in a couple weeks I can do it. My deductable has not been met this year...of course it hasn't since it is $2000. My insurance is not the best at all.
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In the meantime, dr XR Naproxan...another anti`inflammatory drug...not crazy about taking it and will only take for a short time...my mil almost died because of Celebrex back in 2003...internal bleeding, caused a heart attach (she did have heart disease)...this drug and others like it tend to cause internal bleeding with no warning signs. I will not take it long term.
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Veronica~Thank you and you are right....I have to take the lead...even though I am not a leader, more of a worker bee...but I accept that it is up to me.
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Sharyn-They gave me meloxicam for my issues and sent me away, I took it blindly occasionally for flair up it will knock it out for a while then got curious on side effect etc....read up and directions say take everyday for a month to get full benefit, when I did that it seemed to not work. so I am back to just as required. I prefer to medicate as little as possible as well.... when discussing with dr, best wholistic advice was lose weight, o great! Anyway I pushed the issue last time and have appt to address next step in accurate diagnosis soon. it is just getting worse n worse lately and I am afraid I will hurt momma or me in process! that sure adds a whole nother level of stress too, cause I have no options for help with her, if I cant do it, what the heck am I going to do, what I have been thru a year ago there is no way she is going to a facility unless I go with her!!!
Anyway, I suspect it is arthritis so it is not going to be a cure, just comfort care!!
I hope you get some relief somehow as well!
Peace, Juju
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I have no siblings and although my mother is good now, she is in her mid-60's and one day I anticipate taking care of her. We have a very difficult relationship and she refuses to have health insurance. My cousins are taking care of their elderly parents so we're all pretty much on our own. How do I start taking care of my mom now? How do I plan ahead?
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sharyn, when your life calms down some, you might want to google anti-inflammatory diets. It's mainly eating foods that have natural anti-inflammatory properties and avoiding foods that are triggers. I know it sounds crazy but I figured out if I eat dairy, my right knee and my hands hurt quite a bit. Certainly helped my gut getting off the NSAIDs.
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Stellalin~Your mother should be able to get medicare. If your relationship is difficult now...it will most likely get more so as she ages and needs more care from you. Without a Power of Attorney (POA) or Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) you cannot help your mother with decisions for her medical or financial issues. In cases like this where the parent does not have the finances or a POA/DPOA...you the adult child either has to foot the bills for her care...whether it be you are caregiving 24/7 (don't recommend it) or paying for facility care. The other option is that you (sounds harsh and cold but does become necessary), refuse to take care of her so she becomes a ward a of the state using medicare. Many adult children have had to resort to doing just that because 24/7/365 is very stressful and your health is just as important, plus the demands on you are tremendous. I suggest you look around this site at the different threads to get a good idea of what is involved and just how stressful it is before you are willing to take on her care 24/7/365. It includes violence, no sleep, not being able to get out for groceries, a haircut....being isolated from friends who do not understand what you are going through, employers who will not work with you, spouses being ignored (leading to divorce) and children (teenagers who are not getting the attention they deserve). Not to mention, the many adult children who have lost jobs, homes they worked hard for, their marriages and bad blood between the parent and their children.

Your mother has to do her part by getting on medicare if she has no other insurance. You cannot force her..but are you willing to risk everything above to take care of her????
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Juju~I am about 20lb overweight...about 4 years about I was over 200lb. I am 5'7" large frame so around 165 is recommend. I have had other issues that recommended weight loss such as plantar fascitis...a heel inflammation. I lost weight and does help ...but is still not a cure. I already have ostioarthis in my neck with bone spurs...this is inherited from my father. My brother has it also in his hip/back and is due for a hip replacement. I suspect this may also be ostioarthis which is degenerative.

Linda~i do agree with you about eating beneficial foods. My biggest problem is my work schedule...I don't get off work until after 9pm so I don't cook everyday. I do know that I need to cook things like bell peppers w/the white membrane, red onions and many others...freeze it then defrost after work and heat it.I am going to research it more to see if freezing has an effect of these properties of anti inflammation when reheated. Thank you and I do agree diet is a big factor.
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My dad is bad. He's really, really bad. I called 911 tonight because he can't walk or hardly speak. He hasn't eaten in a few days. This all came after the cath change... home nurse says his last cath smelled really bad, it was fouled with infection. She suspects some kind of kidney infection/failure and I do, too. Dad's collection bag has nothing in it. I tried to give him cranberry juice. He says he can't swallow.

EMS said they can't take him if he is competent and says he won't go. He can barely get out the words but he is adamant he will not go to the hospital.

Tomorrow will either be a turn for the worse (he's close to delirium, he's not making much sense) or a turn for recovery. He isn't intaking any food or fluids... even in a sippy cup held up to his mouth. I'm very unhappy about it.
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Allison, thinking of you and your Dad. I do not understand why some people obviously quite sick will refuse the hospital. I hope he take a turn in the right direction.
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((((((Alison)))) your dad doesn't sound good. I am sorry he is adamant about not going to hospital. If he gets worse and can't talk I wonder if the EMS will take him. Sounds like he really needs to be in hospital. (((((((hugs)))))
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ABB, I'm sorry about your dad and his stubbornness. I know exactly how you feel. The stress, the worry, the Frustration that you know he needs medical help and he won't go. I called 911, they asked him such simple questions like what is today and who is the president. My dad answered it correctly. They left without him. Unfortunately, we can't do anything if they refuse to go.

If you end up doing what Emjo says, can you let us know if it works? I might have to resort to doing that if my dad ever reaches that stage.

I have a question for you. My dad gets different home care nurses. The real home care nurses - when I'm home - just takes his vitals. Only. In the weekends, another nurse who is part-time takes her job seriously. When She comes to visit dad, she not only takes his vitals but she also Flushes His Catheter. All these past 2 years, the Regular home care nurses never did that. This part-time nurse does it Every Visit if it's her shift. Twice, she caught that my dad had infection down there. She said that she can tell when she flushes him...just from the smell of his urine and the Sediments that she sees. I like this part-time nurse because we don't have to wait until dad's UTI is soooo bad that we end up in the ER and then he spends hours on the antibiotic IV. She's catching it in time where my dad is not confused (more than his usual.)

I'm wondering if your dad's home nurse is like my dad's Regular nurses who only takes vitals but don't do that extra step of flushing his catheter? In these past 2 years, I didn't know about the flushing.

I wish I could be there with you and we can stress and worry and vent our frustrations together. {{ Great BIG HUGS }}
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Alison, can you get a doctor to do a home visit and some straight talking? If the mountain won't come to Mohammed… Hugs to you.
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Alison, What a terrible position to be in, that would have been my dad!
I cant imagine how frustrated and worried you must feel! Hang in there. XOXOX Sending blessings to you, for his recovery and guidance.
Peace,
Juju


This has probably been addressed already Book n ABB, but would an AHCD, whereas you can make health decisions, override the patients strong will...I am not sure how they work??? I would be interested to know.
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