The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad I think you did the right thing to keep out of your friend's mess he has already created more than enough grief for you. It is beyond the stage where someone can lend a hand. he needs to be hospitalized and recieve agressive treatment for the osteomyelitis. It is a very serious condition

Juju you are a very strong woman and although this is a sad time of year for you I am sure you will find a way to get through this. Blessings. i am not a candle lighter but if i was i would light one for you tonight. Lots of hugs instead.

Me 1000 the conditions the children are suffering from are not anything that you have caused. or that you or your ex can cure or even manage. Your ex is a totally unsuitable parent to take care of them. his history and behaviour are witness to that. if you can't make your son settle down before 2 am he is also beyond the your control at this time and needs professional care. It will only get worse. now is the time you need to act. Boys exhibit more obvious signs of ADHD than do girls but it soes not mean that your daughter is less affected than your son. You certainly do need to be seperated from them while they are treated if necessary in a boarding school for these conditions. where they may need to stay during vacations as well. Depending on their progress and behaviour they will be allowed home visits. I am in no position to tell you what kind of treatment they actually need but from what you are telling us here they are beyond your control at a very young age. of course you want to run away and hide but that is not going to solve anything. You are the only one who can help them get the treatment they need. Talk to to their dr the guidence counciller at school and if there is an abuse hot line in the area call, they may be able to direct you to the help you need. you did not cause this and don't have the training to deal with this alone. involve child protective services if you have to. It is not going to be nice but it will not be nice either if you do nothing now. You also need treatment for yourself so please seek it. Do not take the abuse your grandfather is dishing out either. He has no right to treat you in this way while holding the gift of the house over your head. believe it if he signs it over to you. Even if he does this you may have to hand it over to Medicare if grandpa needs nursing home care within five years. Find what strength you can and ask for help. once you take the first step the next will be easier. God be with you. If you can't do anything check yourself into a mental hospital and let the authorities handle the children and grandpa. Oppose the chidren being handed over to your ex. Foster care is a better alternative than letting your ex have them

Good news, we got new phones and new numbers!!

Glad thank you for the info to report to facebook. I reported it 3 times!!! Guess what!!!...She is gone for now anyway. I don't know if it is because I reported her or if she realized we knew her game and shut it down herself...it says the link may be broken or the page no longer is available. Facebook did not respond back to me. I gave them the # google said is a facebook instant message to my hubs cell and all the details of her hitting him up for money to be sent through Western Union. I also found out this is big facebook scam that is currently going on and older men are preyed upon by these women.

Veronica~You are a voice of reason and I want to thank you for your input in this situation.
Pam~You also provided me with info I had not considered.

I want to thank all of you for the emotional support you all given me this last week through the posts on this thread and personal hugs sent to my wall.

Today has been the first day that my stomach has not been tied up in knots over this and the relief I feel is freeing. I am exhausted from the emotional turmoil of course, but I am off tomorrow and can sleep freely tonight knowing this woman is out of our life now. God Bless all of you!!

Well, It took me from Sept. 30 at 3pm to Oct 1 at 2pm to pick up the envelopes and drive to the post office and mailed all the letters stating I was stepping down from Medical Power of Attorney from both parents. I also made my moms letter restricted, so it has to be handed right to her, and she has to sign for it. I did get in touch with health and human resource also today. They will not help me what so ever. So three days of nothing but crying, it is time to heal. They will receive their letters tomorrow. But it is already planned, I won't be at home what so ever, until my husband is back home from work. From there, my door will be locked most time and I will be moving on. We have already decided, if he shows up at my house, I will not be answering the door, but picking up the phone and calling the state police. I do have some support (family) behind me. Not only my kids and husband, but one cousin (little older then me, but knows all that has happen to me. My daughter called her and told her I needed now more if never before) she called this evening, checking on me and letting me know I was doing the right thing. Also have long time friends beside me, talking with me each day and know I need someone to talk to all the time to move on. So today, I don't know how they did it, since they don't know each other. My Cousin, Best Friend and long time family friend called me through out the day. I was not really alone for long all day. Daughter called two times, Cousin called once, Best Friend called once, family friend called once, husband called a few times. Between that, I left the house and went to the post office and to the store. I seen a good elderly friend there and talked with him for a few. Hubby found me there and spent a few min with me. So today was a lot easier day. Tomorrow, I have to take care of my business paper work, going to look at a antique mantel for our house, visiting with a friend and go over coupons. I will return just as the hubby does from work. I will be ok in morning, one of my kids will be here until I leave. I am trying to stay busy and easy, starting slow to move on in life and trying to make it happier. Also I like to think for the support from here also, and for allowing me to ramble on and on. Thank you

I am starting a list of things I like to do. I want to pick up crafts again and start Knitting and Crocheting once again. I really like to make a nice new quilt for our bed, if I can remember how. I have not did that in years. Also my Best friend was talking and we might pick up what we use to do and take a day each week and go shopping/looking/ wishing at the mall (lol), We use to call it a mommy day with out kids. But now it will be a day with out stress. I am even thinking once or twice a month to have a Tea Lunch with a few friends. (other words, recontact with people I have not seen in a while) I am trying to come up ways to love life again and enjoy it. Hmm, maybe one day I will start baking bread again or cakes, what ever I want. But first, pick up a nice thick book and read. Christian Romance base in the 1800's. I love those. I will check in and let all know how things are going.

Oh yea, those calls started coming in after I called my husband and told him I wanted to die. So now, they won't let me be left alone for a while. Also I have a dr. appt for Monday to see about raising my meds for a while, until I can move on. I have had to do this before. Thank you everyone for your support, kind words and hugs. If people can do this for a stranger, then there is a reason to keep going. Thank you PS: I can't sleep tonight yet, so I picked up my coupon binder and working on it, to keep me busy. Hoping that it will wear my eyes down, so I can sleep.

Toxic familymember You have made a wonderful start towards getting your life back. Be very proud of yourself. Don't be discouraged if you meet bumps on the road, focus on the target and keep going. You did not creat the toxicity in your family you inherited it and now have found the strength to folloe your own healthier path. Blessings. Look forward to following your progress.

Toxic,

I knew it! You were serious and you did something about it!
You're going through the adjustment period now. I'm so glad to hear that you have lots of support around you, this is so good! All right, take it one day at a time,
and yes get involved in the things that are going to bring you a sense of normalcy
to your life. As you said, "Let the fresh air in."

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

Do you really feel that you have an addiction to this site.
Maybe you just have to put things in perspective. I understand too......try not to allow yourself to go around constantly thinking about what's happening here.
But the reason most us, or at least I know I come here is to get and give support.
It's turned into a community of friends too. I can totally understand, that when people say in your shoes works, then comes home every day to the schedule you have going on with your dad, it must not leave a heck of a lot of extra time to have outside friends. Anyway, I hope this doesn't mean that we won't see you here either, now I'm being selfish. I like your input. There are good reasons I'm sure we all come here, so just try to keep it in perspective.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

This is good news. Really glad about the reporting to FB.
Well now that you have taken care of the details that surrounded
this event, you can rest.

How are Ethan and Logan doing?

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

How are you, where are you?
You must have your hands full with your mother's move.
Hope things are good with you.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I'm up, it's 4:44 a.m. I don't know why I can't sleep.
I didn't have any chocolate, no sugar this evening.
I did my walk today. Oh well! I'll have to check the moon phase.
I'm tempted to have my coffee, but maybe chamomille is a better idea.
HAAH!

Ramblings.....
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My sister and BIL came up and took mom to the doctor today. I am grateful for the help but why do they h ave to be so mean about it? They forbid me to go to the doctor and I asked why and BIL says I don't have to tell you sh*it. Then he comes in here all nicey nice. I know they do not think I do a good job of caring for mom and then they act like this, I get anxious about what they are up to. I think I am acting normal in this type of situation. Mom said that they both said in the car that I am doing a good job. She might have made it up. but still They said they are coming up on Oct 15,16,17 and I said GREAT I can go to San Diego and sis says no I am staying in the motorhome. WTF is wrong with her. She will NEVER stay with mom alone and I know it so I need to get over it. That means I am never going to get away over night ever ever! My mom is getting so much worse, making up stories, not making any sense and No she does not have a UTI. The doctor said that unless she has symptoms then they are not going to check for one. Honestly I do not understand that. I should have put this on my Whine moment but it came out here. Just venting.

I'm here, Margeaux, and need a vent too.

I just do not want to do this again. Going to E'ton again to dig some of mother's things out of storage and meet with the people at the hospital - the psychiatrist ( I really don't like this one), the SW, the transition coordinator, and then, later, meet with mother. How's that for a lovely week - and at my expense. Got her contents insurance sorted out I think. They cancelled it and reinstated it, and sent me various bills which did not make any sense. It is due again the end of the month, so I will have to stay on top of it. I called this morning and all their phone lines were out and voice mail full. Finally, I found a number that worked and a person that checked things out. I need to call or email her financial advisor to sort things out as they are not doing what I instructed them to do so her bank balance is growing too fast. She will not need the same income where she is going so they can probably leave her capital (which they have been drawing on) alone. Thankfully I did get a hold of her old shopper who has just put her own mother into the same hospital for an neuropsych evaluation. Good news - she will be available to mother. Still waiting to hear from the bank person about a credit card on mother's account or using hers. I know lots do but I need to know it is straight with the bank. I can't leave a loophole for my sis to cause trouble.

I am grateful that, in our last phone call the SW said that if Gary is away when they call that mother has a room, they can make some adjustments. Phew!!!

After the meeting I have to meet with mother to discuss what things she wants in her new place. I am not looking forward to that or the complaints that inevitably come.

I woke up with a headache that is not going away, Last week I tried the other "harmless", to my liver anyways, meds and got brain fog/head aches so didn't take any today, and this must be left over. Think I am about at the end of this infection so will try without meds, though need to watch out as the stress from this next move may flare it up again.

Sharyn, I am glad you are getting through this episode. Better everything comes out now than later. I agree that it is not good to beat him over the head with this, but it is good to discuss whatever issues you have identified unti yu are comfortable

Alison - glad the 5 year idea helped. I have done 5 year plans often in life. They don't always work out as I think they will, but give me a goal - which can be changed at any time of course.

Glad - you are wise to let go of your friend. He needs more help than you can give him.

Me - others have given you some ideas. I do think your kids need more professional help than they are getting. They don't hate you at all - that is the illness talking and you are the safe person they feel the can let it out on - but, it is not good for them or for you. Your dad was going to have surgery - how is he doing? No matter what grandpa says, you just have way to much to cope with. I hope you can find some way to get some relief/help.

Book -don't disappear altogether. (((((((hugs))))))

Cm -have you caved yet re another feline?

loo - deep breaths

sandwich - are things staying calm?

Margeaux - hope you finally got some sleep. I have nights like that too.

fligirl and others - my sympathies on your dysfunctional sibs and other family members. They make the job so much harder and it is hard enough already. I have fantasies of walking away...

cmag, Austin, brandy and others - good to see you around a bit

Have a good day - be good to you.

Thank you Joan~We have worked this out now...I know my husband and the reason I couldn't let it go right away is because I just had that gut feeling he was not telling me everything. I have to be able to show him logical proof for him to admit the truth. I have to able to ask the questions in a specific way for him to give the answer that fully answers my question...that is how his mind works. It kind of like "don't ask don't tell". His whole family is like that too.

I can sympathize with you about having to go to E'ton again. Especially since you have not been feeling well. It is good that they will make some adjustments if Gary is not available. The care facility my mom is in, is horrible at returning calls.

Our daughter sent 2 copies of book she put together through shutterfly. It is so darn cute. The front and back cover are pics of the boys, then the first page is a pic of our daughter and sil...under the pic it says...J and L sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G, first came love, then came marriage, then....and you turn the page...the left side is a pic of a man with his fist and it says boom....pregnant...the right page is a pic of the first ultrasound confirming twins...and it says...comes babies in a baby carriage. The book has several ultrasound pics and ends with pics of the delivery and at home pics. I took the other copy of the book over to my fil.

Emjo, just another evil thought, probably, but… you do *have* to consult your mother about contents at her new place for her, do you? No way you could just make a list and a few executive decisions? If Ed Milliband can forget to mention the economy in his closing speech to the Labour Party Conference and expect to get away with it (no one would noticed necessarily, let alone minded its being shorter, but the silly sod gave a draft to the press), then surely you can 'forget' that particular part of the conversation? It's going to be quite entertaining enough without handing her opportunities for further rhetoric.

I have stuck my fingers in my ears about cats. Zach the Staffie has reclaimed 'his' armchair now that it hasn't got an elderly cat infesting it so I'll be relying on him to keep mother company when she gets back from respite care tomorrow. He's actually much better company, if you want interaction and security; only not quite so convenient to have on one's knee, perhaps.

You do need to watch out for the stress. I wish I had something original to suggest, but suspect that chipping in would just be irritating and therefore not the best start. This should be - *should* be - the last major move, though, yes? You're almost there. Grit your teeth.

I have treated myself to one last cookery book which has a recipe for pistachio and rosewater kulfi. If that makes your mouth water too I'll happily type it out. Healthy? Meh, probably not so much. But delicious! And it has got some healthy ingredients (who needs excuses?).

Fligirl, where you said "She will NEVER stay with mom alone and I know it so I need to get over it." - now that is clever of you. If I'd only figured that one out as clearly as you did much earlier on I'd have saved myself some pointless resentment.

Mind you… this came up for me on my 50th birthday. My kids had planned some big surprise for me, the trouble was that their brilliant plan was based on the assumption that their auntie would be happy to have their granny to stay for a couple of nights. Chuckle. If only they'd consulted me I could have told them that was never going to happen..!

All the same, your wanting to get away for a little break is hardly unreasonable. What about telling your sister that if she won't stay there on her own, then your mother will need to hire a nurse or HCA to cover for you?

Juju,

I wanted to wish you a Happy Belated Birthday! I hope you were able to have some fun yesterday. It's difficult when we are up on anniversaries of our loved one's passing. I'm very sorry about this, and I know how it feels. I go through this every March, when dad passed away.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well, Oct. 4th, Mercury goes retrograde!
I've already been experiencing problems on the computer!
So you have all been forewarned.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

yes, Happy belated Birthday juju - hope you had a decent day.. I know about the sadness that certain dates bring.

Sharyn - you know your husband best and how to deal with him. Gary plays his cards close to his chest too. He is learning to communicate better. The babies' book sounds lovely.

cm - if I don't ask mother what she wants and just choose myself, I will never hear the end of it, and she will want me to run back and forth to the storage place getting this and that. When she makes the decision, I will tell her that we are selling or otherwise disposing of what is left so she needs to know what she wants with her as there will be no going back. I am glad you are getting some respite. Hope you are enjoying it. Zach sounds like a sweetie. Every move was supposed to be the last one. Hopefully they can keep her in this new place unless she needs nursing home type care - then that would be the last move. If she follows pattern, she will be wanting to move again in 6-12 months. I hope the staff can cope with that. The drug should help. The kulfi sounds delicious. I am allergic to dairy. Wonder if almond or coconut milk would sub. I will use meds to help my system deal with the stress and watch very carefully for a flare up. Tons of probiotics as well.

Found out I don't get a credit card, but have to purchase for mother on my card or whatever and take the receipts to the teller at a branch of mother's bank and they will reimburse me. In a way I feel relieved by this, as, if there are any questions about me being reimbursed, the tellers are accountable. I will scan the receipts and keep copies for myself. However, I don't see how this makes it any more secure, as who is to know if the mattress that I purchase is for mother or for me. Perhaps they think that bringing the receipts to the teller adds a step that deters misuse.

Talking about communication, I made tasty short ribs in the crockpot and no sign of G. Grrr. Just let me know. I would not have made supper if I had known he was not coming home. It happens once in a while as he gets lost in what he is doing out in the fields and doesn't take the cell out there with him, or ends up staying down there and doing a days work via satellite and phone and then straight to the horses. Well, I enjoyed the ribs and wouldn't have made myself a decent supper probably. Oops he just called - a bit late but he called. Good enough.

Now I have to google kulfi, never heard of it!

Mmmm, cardemon was all I needed to hear, and condensed milk. I used to make ice cream when my kids were small that used condensed milk in the recipe.

love cardamom but looks like the condensed milk is essential or - cm - are you going to be a purist and stir simmering milk for 4hrs?

Is that how they make condensed milk? Four hours?! And my mom the home ex teacher never taught me that?!

No - it is how they make kulfi.

Tusen takk, Emjo.

:)

I shall not be simmering anything for four hours! (except possibly my temper if the electrician doesn't show again this evening…) Confession time: after years of feeling vaguely dissatisfied with my home curry results, I have just discovered the fabulous "Made In India - Cooked In Britain" by… yikes. I'll have to look her up. Meera Sodhul, I think but must check. Now this is a lady who understands how bone idle (comparatively speaking) Western domestic cooks are, and what the limitations of our supermarkets are, and tells you straight up how to do it. I have probably put on ten pounds.

Mind you, Madhur Jaffrey's naan recipe takes some beating. And if you've got a bread maker it couldn't be more of a doddle - you just chuck everything in, put it onto "Pizza dough" setting, and 45 minutes later you're rolling them out and slapping them under a hot grill for a few minutes.

Unfortunately, once mother's back in the house we're limited to nutmeg, saffron, the barest hint of cinnamon, and garlic and cardamom but only if they're heavily disguised. The second she gets a whiff of anything she suspects of being "hot", that's the end of her appetite. And she's not just being awkward: she really does hate it.

Hmmm… I wonder if you could base an ice cream on coconut milk? Research time.

CM, yes, coconut milk makes delicious ice cream. You need to use the full fat coconut milk for best texture. I can't do dairy and use coconut milk in my chai.

I make all my ice creams from coconut milk. It works really well. I usually add some fruit - berries, or lots of cocoa for chocolate , or maple syrup and walnuts. Yum! I have added a bit of alcohol once in a while. The only thing about home made ice cream and lowering the sugar content, which I do, is that it freezes very hard. You need sugar to keep the texture softer.

cm - I am surprised for a lady who travelled so much that your mothers tastes are so conservative. G dumps cinnamon on nearly everything - and says cayenne brings out the flavours. I make a great GFDF (gluten free dairy free) chocolate cake with loads of cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, a ground up orange (peel and all), some pepper and some cayenne. Getting hungry now.

My Christmas ice cream is sweet chestnut purée with marsala, blended into the base ripple-style - that should work pretty well with coconut milk, shouldn't it? Hurry up Christmas!

Poor mother had her palate crushed along with her personality pretty early on, is my guess. Constantly being in trouble for making a fuss or being difficult when you're just saying you don't like ginger cake would do that to you. A combination of overbearing, competitive, critical sisters, teasing parents and an ayah who, being the only person who'll stand up for you, asks the cook to make you English dishes (and when Indian cooks make English dishes they taste of absolute zero, on purpose, seeing as how to them that seems to be the aim) must have made her associate comfort with blandness. She also hates oranges, mangoes, bananas and coconut. You know how they say that nothing is more evocative than scent? Well, whatever memories it's evoking she definitely wasn't having a nice time.

Puréeing the whole orange to add to the cake is genius - do you poach or microwave it first, or just pulp it au naturel?

cm - Too bad about your mum's tastes.

The orange is ground or blended raw. The idea came from two places. As a teen, I made an orange raisin cake where a raw orange was ground with the raisins and added to the batter. I used the old fashioned fasten-on-the-counter grinder as there were no blenders. It was so tasty and moist. Then Gary told me that his mum added fruit e.g a ground up orange rather than sugar when she made muffins. G likes lots of spices so I found a spicy choc cake recipe, and followed it - more or less - but added much more spice, pepper and cayenne and an orange thrown into the blender with a little water. Raisins work well too blended in with the orange You can reduce sugar and the fruit keeps the cake very moist, yet it is very much a chocolate cake. I don't frost it - hardly needs frosting. Must make another one soon!

and yes, your "mixture" should work with coconut milk. The kulfi flavourings as well. Must try some.