
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Yep, went through the same as you. I handled it wrong. Very wrong. Yes, it hurts, but... look at everything that is happening in your life right now.
I am not a man bashing person. He's not foolish....mid life crisis yes.
DO NOT listen to those whom bash your husband. Take your time and listen to him and most importantly your heat. If you have to live in a world of changing passwords and mistrust.... work to change it. Your life. Your husband
Need to go back several pages...
I think women also go through older woman crisis, but tends to turn it in on herself. Maybe it's why cosmetic surgery has become so popular. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could just appreciate getting older? And wouldn't think looks and sexual prowess were not the big things in life? Some people have trouble handing the baton off to the younger generations in modern times.
Just take your time and keep the gates of communication open. Respect that his feelings are real (in his head) also he has to understand how hurtful this is to you. It's not going to be an easy time ahead... you've been married a very long time and hopefully, texts and emails are not deal breakers for you. (((hugs)))
Unfortunately, speaking as the world's least successful relationship manager, I am not really in a position to advise. As I see it the trouble is that you like your husband and would prefer him to get back to normal and stick around - whereas I'd say oh all right then, off you go, no hard feelings. Maybe I'm the one who has commitment issues..?
Be that as it may. The reason that your husband can treat a FABULOUS loving woman like you - whom he loves, and never never forget that - in this hurtful, demeaning way is that in his mind his 'harmless' little fantasy has no connection with the real world, the part of his life where you live.
That is because he has been having fun and has therefore developed a new personality best described as "utter twat."
He's just about got enough brain left to realise that he can't say this and get away with it, but I will bet you that deep inside he's thinking "it's not fair. I'm only having a bit of fun. Why is she taking it all so seriously?"
Because it IS serious, moron!!! Because he lives in the real world, like it or not. Because what he does on line is inextricably connected with who he is in reality. There is no such thing as virtual, not any more.
Keep calm. Try to speak more in sorrow than in anger. Once you have taken the very sensible security precautions already suggested, gently lead him back to reality and remind him that love and family and your trust are infinitely more precious to him than cheap thrills off the internet. Do not throw away the riches of a 37 year marriage. May you soon be looking forward to your Ruby Wedding, with all of this nonsense long forgotten. God bless you.
CM~Believe me, if it was a physical affair, he would be gone. I say that because this has been going on for a couple of months....he has no emotional attachment to this woman...it was like you said, him having fun, getting his thrills. However, he still gave a part of himself to another woman a part that was personal and should have been given to me.
This morning I told him to change his settings on fb so no one can locate him through any search engines and link it to facebook.He didn't know how to do this and I showed him how to change it and to hide his email address, etc. She was on his friend list but he unfriended her...I think before I started to dig and check things out. While in Idaho, the only person I saw on his friend list that was questionable to me was Karen. Everyone else was family. I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt on this, for some who intelligent and works in security, he really is ignorant about fb 1) he thinks the people suggested as friends when you first login are being recommended by family. This is coming from fb...not family members in GA. In his mind, he thinks he is very popular.
Yes, this is something that has been fun for him, he knew it was wrong...that is why he hid it. He has not said anything to try to blame me. Yes, I am sure that he justified it under the thinking that he was not having a physical affair....but it is still an affair. I told him Thursday evening that I expected an apology...but only if it was sincere. I told him this morning that even though this is out in the open, it is not the end of it. I am very hurt and it will take me time to work through it. He has been remorseful, I can see the hurt in his eyes. I refuse to police him because that is not how I want to live. I will keep my eyes open and be watching and looking for signs that he may still be communicating behind my back. I have no issue with him having female fb friends and I have told him that...as long as all communication is on his timeline, no private messaging or other forms of communicating. He says he does not know how to private message on fb and does not want me to show him. The only thing he has denied is that his communications with Kate were of a sexual nature. I don't buy it. I will continue to bring this up with him in small amounts to try to understand it more. He says he had no intentions of ever meeting Kate personally.No money has been involved.
I did go to work today and it helped to be around others, joking, laughing and the fast paced environment forced me to think about something other than this situation.
Again, thank you...everyone of you!!
There probably wasn't much explicit sex chat going on - if he says he was flirting, I'd buy that. Think of Roger Rabbit looking goofy and that's probably roughly the expression on his little face (eye roll). Later on, when you're feeling more comfortable and less livid (you don't sound livid, actually - but I would be if I were you!), he can flirt with you instead. Everyone likes to be made eyes at, don't they? - you just have to do it with the right person :)
It's a good thing you caught him now, you know. He was getting sucked in and you hoiked him back out again. Clean him up and he'll be fine. Big hugs to you, good you're keeping busy xxx
[mutters: "I think 'brain' might be stretching it a bit, though…"]
Well done! I also think Veronica has given you a great suggestion about not dredging up more regarding this incident. This way, it will give him the opportunity to reflect and hopefully be truer to his feelings as they relate to you
as his wife, instead of this naughty little boy behaving badly. There's something to be said about that, which comes into play when people are talking about accountability, and that is.......one has not only to be accountable to others, but to oneself.
I was hoping you were at work yesterday, believe it or not only so that you could have some distance.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Juju
Hugs!
Pam-you made me laugh...I needed that. I still feel like the wind has been knocked out of me...not really angry as much as just the sadness.
*****No my last post here really was meant just as a thank you to all of you and well wishes. But in all honesty, im not ok and Im just in a lot of pain and burnt out ( along with my burnt grilled cheeses this afternoon so everyone just got the side dishes) Everything is the same old but worse in some senses- so no sense in reposting it all, you all read it all. I dont know whats forcing me to be able to semi function- I do think depression besides exhaustion has hit. I mean I get sleep not quality sleep and sometimes when I do get good sleep its after 3 days of not sleeping well in the first place and then I just am out.
I try to come "out of it" but go right back "in " to it. I know I dont do as much as I should and others do more then I do even if they had the exact same situation, but for me, two kids with mental issues,one ill ederly who I get put down most the time, one ill senior, two houses, pets, most family and neighbors give me hell every few minutes Im needed day or night, Im just at a loss.