The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks ...catch up later. too much right now

Thanks everyone. Even if he is just talking...it is an infidelity to me because it being done behind my back..,his childrens backs and his families.i became suspisicous (sp?) Back in april or may when his normal habits changed about watching tv using internet more. Believe me the wife is not the last know,,,,cqlling off work tomorrow..too hurt to deal with work.

Sharynmarie,

I am so sorry to hear about this news about your husband.
What on earth is he thinking!!! You are such a good woman, and I did wonder when you'd written very recently that as I understood, you thought he was looking at porn. Yes, technology. Well try to rest, your knee, maybe do a salt bath. This rids the body of aches and negative energy.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

In this day of the cyberworld it is so prevelent now....I just saw on a talk show them debating that very subject.... people in committed relationships having internet relationships... they argue back n forth but the consensus was if you have to hide it, it is cheating, whether in person or just internet! So don't feel bad about your emotions. Do just try to relax, so very hard to do, I know, just try! XOXOX!!!

sharynmarie confront him! do not let this linger! i walked out on my husband 20yrs ago but he never cheated he was abusive always accusing me of having affairs etc.. THEN when i left he spent his time with hoards of different women but soon got sick of it and begged me to come back? men think grass is always greener until the reality kicks in and they realise its not a bit of fun its what destroys families! Nip it in the bud asap i would confront him then you both get counselling! I gave my marriage 100 per cent before walking away i knew hed never change as i gave him so many warnings! sometimes men need you to walk out before thier silly little brains register just how bad their behaviour is! what women see as betrayal and rightly so men see as harmless fun?until they lose everything!
A big hug for you its not easy going through this alone please talk to a professional i wish at the time i did but i was only 29yrs old what did i know?

My husband moved on got married pretty quickly had two kids BUT when i last spoke to him years ago he wasnt a happy chappy! we fall in love once in our lives twice if we are really lucky im still looking out for my second chance at love hes out there somewhere we just havnt met yet??
hang in there we all feel for you! gosh men think with thier privates not thier brains!! sharynmarie all this may just make your marriage stronger so fight for it if hes worth it!

Sharyn I just can't tell you how bad I feel for you. I have been there and totally understand what you are going through. you feel dead inside and can't do anything. I would stand totally numb in the grocery store having no idea what to buy. Could not sleep or eat, lost a lot of weight
I agree with you that any affair physical or emotional is still an affair because he (or she) is sharing personal things which are yours alone.
My husband left with a pschiopathic witch and I felt trapped with too many responsibilities to go it alone plus three kids in college. Looking back that was the time to leave 25 years ago but after much history and water under the bridge we celebrated pur 50 th wedding anniversary last year.
What i have learnt is that you have to set the rules as soon as you find out what is going on. I didn't I just clung to the hope that he would return and everything would work out. Many years later when he was still in and out of relationships I gave him back my rings. I tried to take them off many times but I just could not I had married for life. I have never seen someone as devastated as he was. He suddenly realized that he could loose me even though he had not valued me. After that I took action to get out of the trap and make it possible to be financially independent. We are a couple again and respect each others space and can talk about his behaviour. He has a life long battle with mental illness and I do now understand why he did the things he did. Wrong and horrible as they were. It has taken a long time and he knows I really love him because he is actually a very good and kind man. I have set my limits theough and he understands that if he even attempts to stray again that will be the last time. I now have the strength to do what may need to be done.
I hope this helps you. Right now you are in too much pain to think straight but my message is not to cling to him because the more you do the harder he will pull away and that is the hardest thing to do. Find the strength and ask him what he wants and expects from your marriage and if you have to seperate for a time so be it. Much love hugs and blessings.

Sharyn, I know what you are going through. My ex started using the internet to find his old high school friends, primarily girlfriends. It was the second sign that our marriage was going down the tubes. At the time I just shrugged it off. Maybe it was because I realized the marriage was no longer worth saving.

I think most marriages are worth saving and that you should have a talk with your husband about it. Nothing good seems to come from these internet/cell phone affairs. I knew one man who ended up leaving his wife and four children to fly across the country to be with an internet mate. The affair didn't work out, but by then the wife and children hated the man. Internet affairs are totally NOT innocent. They can do a lot of damage. IMO, if your husband wants your marriage to work, these electronic communications need to come to an end.

Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much it means to me that you all agree that he is wrong in doing this.

If you all remember, I posted about our daughter who saw on fb where her dad (my hubs) had become friends with a woman named Joanna. She went to the woman's profile to check her out...all her pics were porn. Our daughter reported several of the photos to fb and within an hour, fb shut down her account. This happened while I was in Idaho.

I started checking out hubs friend list and came across a young woman named Karen. Her pics, while fully clothed, are very sexy, provocative pics. I checked out her postings and on her birthday back in July, it said 7 other people posted on her timeline for her birthday. I clicked that link...and sure enough, the first poster was my husband. He said to her, "Happy Birthday My Sweet one have a good flight." My heart sank....I confronted him about it because for me, what he posted was intimate and personal as though they had a relationship of some type. Being a married man, he again violated boundaries. He said he doesn't know her and does not remember posting that comment. I asked him why are you friends with someone you don't know and making comments to them that are personal. He didn't have an answer. That is when I told him I would be checking our verizon account on his texting and that I would also be checking with comcast to see if he is skyping. I haven't checked with comcast yet. He apparently thought that our verizon bill would only show how many minutes of texting he does and since it is unlimited, it was not costing any more money. What he failed to realize was that I can see from day to day who he is texting to and who is texting him back. This number with area code 910 (North Carolina, Fort Bragg area), is being texted a lot and they are texting him back. On the 24th, he texted her at 3:18pm...on his way home from work....then he and she texted all evening from the time he got home until 11pm. This is not just normal "talking" for that many hours. I wasn't born yesterday. He denied texting her at 3:18....I brought up the account on the computer and showed him. On other days, it shows him and her texting as early as 3:30am (when he is getting ready for work). He says she is in Florida (2 hour time difference between Cali), but the area code is in North Carolina (3 hour difference)...Karen's fb profile says she lives in Tucson, Arizona. He did unfriend Karen...but I am going to find out if Karen and Kate are the same person. If they are 2 different people, then that is 2 woman that he has violated our marriage with and possibly a 3rd with Joanna.

I could insist that if we stay on fb that we have a mutual account so we know what the other is doing, who we talk to, etc.but he could still create an account under a fake name and just continue on.

I don't know what I am going to do because I can't afford to live on my own. My car will be paid off next month which will give me an extra $350 a month that I plan on using to pay off my credit card. Then I was going to save the money to start fixing up the house, new flooring,etc but now I don't think I want to put my money in the house in case I have to get out of here.

Yes Veronica, I am going to ask him when he gets home today 1) is Karen and Kate the same person, 2) does he want to continue this marriage and what is he willing to contribute to "our" relationship 3) what does he want and expect from our marriage 4) is he willing to give me what I expect and want in return.

We have been married 37 years, and yes...a lot of history together that I would hate to have to end, but he is going to have to earn my trust and respect all over again. I could move out and go live with my sis but that would mean an hour commute to work one direction, so 2 hours of driving each day I go to work.

As far as our daughter is concerned, she views him friending this Joanna by accident and she says the woman is a scammer. I do know that when you log on to fb, it pops with people as suggested friends. I do know that people have complain about this because you can click the suggested persons name and at the same time accidentally send a friend request to them. Having said that, once you realize that you sent the request, you can delete it and you can also unfriend the person once you realize they have accepted your request. I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt because he could have unfriended Karen a long time ago once he saw that they were fb friends.

I called in sick so I can get my thoughts together and to hopefully get all this crying out of the way I don't want to break down at work. It just blows me away that men just don't see their actions as being wrong. Let me rephraise that....he knows its wrong...but it is acceptable for men to behave this way...his father has crossed my personal boundaries more than once with comments, but hubs and his family thinks it is perfectly normal and I am a prude. His dad sat here in our home about 7 years ago saying he sees nothing wrong with flirting with other women because it makes him "Feel Good". This is a man who is a devout Christian. I guess my interpretation of the Book of Ephesians is wrong.

Sharynmarie, you are on it. Hubs is not fooling you with any Jedi mind trick. 37 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, and he is obviously not taking it seriously. Maybe he doesn't feel good about himself and doesn't want you to know, so he is looking for strokes from others. This internet and texting crap just makes it too easy for some people to justify cheating. They think because it's in cyberspace it's harmless. HORSE MUFFINS! You can't make him do anything, but he needs to decide what he wants - a marriage with you or worthless flings on the internet that may or may not be with someone he has known in the past.

Be brave, you deserve answers. He is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. He needs to be accountable for his actions. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I say this from experience from a prior marriage, so I've been in the exact spot you are right now. It hurts like hell, but get your shields up. Prayers for you.

Sharyn don't do anything hasty like moving out. If anyone needs to it is hubby. You have done nothing wrong and not violated your wedding vows. move into a seperate bedroom if you want to but stay in the house as long as you are not in physical danger.
I refuse to go on facebook because i think it is evil. (I am very open minded and forgiving of others but sociopathic women trolling for other peoples husbands is something I will not tolerate. When my hubby first strayed FB had not been invented but there were plenty of dating sites not that he needed one he found someone in our own backyard. later claimed to be my friend. What she wanted was my home and farm to move her family in and the contents of hubby's wallet. When she dis not get all that she took to using his ATM card and forging checks. he went to the police and threw her out but never prosecuted because he did not want her kids to have a fellon for a mother. Would not have mattered the kids were also stealing money from him too. He is a very inocent person and far too trusting refusing to believe anything bad about anyone. Well he knows better now. he's been paying child support for the last 20 years.Not a nice world but stay strong Sharyn but son't be too judgemental whatever you believe. he is going to deny everything anyway. "He was just passing the time because you work late and he gets bored and you are too tired when you get home" That kind of think Don't start a fight that goes nowhere just look him straight in the eye, Make an appointment for some councilling tomorrow. go alone, you need to build your strength up. I have seen very little progress with marriage counciling, the couple are the ones who have to calmly work things out. Decide if you can forgive him and if not make your plans.More hugs

I just have to add SM...with my drama....I remember used to say to some of his ridiculous statements more than a few times..."OMG..are you kidding me, either you are stupid or you think i am stupid and neither one is a good thing!"

Veronica~ I won't approach him with anger....I already screamed my head off last night...I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors heard me.

I plan to sit down with him rationally and calmly to discuss why he felt he needed to pursue these women. Yes, whatever he feels is lacking in the marriage is something we can work on...but he has to realize that I cannot fulfill all his needs...he has to be able to do it for himself as long as it is within boundaries of our marriage.

I told him last night that someone has to be the guardian of our marriage and I will be that person. I texted Kate, told her to back off (printed his name) stop all communications now. She texted back 2 hours later...first text said...hello hunie. Second text said...what is this (hubs first formal name). I texted back saying I was his wife, if you have any self respect you will stop all communication with my husband now. He has been married 37 years and has 2 grown children......don't mess with me. My cell phone # is of course different from hubs...she had to have seen that???? That last number is different.

She used his first formal name which hubs goes by his middle name with friends and family. He only uses his first formal name for financial and legal matters.

Yes Juju, how stupid do you think I am hubs and how stupid are you (hubs). Playing dumb and innocent isn't going to pass for me.. Ok, so you accidentally friend someone...you ignore it no harm done...no communication going on between you. If hubs had posted...Happy Birthday sweet one have a good flight. It would not have hurt me...he personalized it by capitalizing My Sweet one. She responded with thank you (his name). No personal comment on her behalf...his remark came across to me as possessive by using My Sweet one. Maybe I am reading more into it but that is how it makes me feel..a violation. Yes anyone could have seen this comment if they were really checking out Karen's profile...which I was looking specifically for comments from my husband.

Thank you Jessiebelle, I am sorry you and several others have gone through this.

I remember way back in the 80's watching Eddie Murphy stand up routine with a bit about cheating, that has always stuck in my head. Something like-but much funnier-Guys, never admit it....even if you get caught, caught in the act, no matter, just deny deny deny. "Now who you gonna believe baby, me or your lying eyes!"

I had huge rows with my EX best friend who thought nothing about dating married men? it really is something i couldnt do and her attitude was SHES doing nothing wrong that HE is? no i dont agree once you know someone is married you walk away OR bad shit karma will get you!!
Hugs sharynmarie! thinking of you!

jujubean so funny! LOL

Thank you Kaz...I know you are going through your on sh!!t right now so I do appreciate your support. I am thinking about you.

So let me say this loudly and clearly: If your husband is texting another woman, or sexting another woman, he is the one doing wrong, not you.

You are not to blame. Yes, we can contribute to the temptation to sin. But no matter what you did, there is NEVER an excuse to start a relationship with someone who is not your spouse, and you need to let go of that guilt.

I am so tempted to post this on facebook.

Most of these sexting texting calls are not really where they are nor who they are and the pictures are faked too. More often they are spyware hoping to eventually get your financial information and have fun with it. Change all your passwords, pronto.

Pam~should I also change my passwords for just the cheater?

Pam- iam a little slow....this why kate responed using his formal name. Yes I am furious because has not only cheated..he has put our finanices at risk.

Pam -and Sharyn - there are lots of people fishing for others by pretending to be something/someone they are not. The long term goal is money. For women, men come on and flatter etc. and want a relationship, professing love, attraction and so on. I online dated for a year before I met Gary and was approached by some of these - fake photos and all. I still get some of f b too. One approach these predators have is to try to get you into compromising situations, ( e g to do something that they can use to blackmail you like pose for revealing photos) then get money out of you. Others pretend to be in need and beg for money, Others try to attract by sexual means and work on the sympathy/ego/vulnerability of their victim.

Sharyn - When you mentioned that this woman in NC used the name your hub uses for financial/legal matters a red flag went up for me. Can you find out if he has sent her any money or access to accounts or ccs? These people are quite convincing. He apparently is looking for a connection which would open him up to this kind of thing.

As far as you being the guardian of your marriage, you have been. He has to be committed to that as well. No one cannot do it alone, You can set up all the safeguards you like, but he can circumvent then if he wants to. You cannot control someone else's behaviour. I would be sure that you are clear about what you want and need from him, This is not your fault. He has chosen to deal with whatever problems he/you collectively have by this means which is destructive to your marriage. Certainly it is good to discuss any areas that are problematic, and try to resolve them but his choices are not your fault. It is sad that his father passed the idea on that flirting is harmless. In my experience, it is not and can lead to other things.

I agree that most marriages are worth working on to save them after something like this. Veronica - yours is a great example. Kudos to you.

Re not being able to live separately, should it come to that, there is always a way -even if it is renting a room for a while. If he earns more than you, I think he would have to support you to some extent. Don't sell yourself short. I think a separation - mentioned by someone - can alert the partner that you mean business. Re who moves out and how much support you might get, I would consult a lawyer. It would show hub you are serious.

Just take from what all of us say as far as it makes sense to you, and to know that we care about you and feel badly for your and your situation. A number of us have been there, done that. Either way, the road is hard, but worth it. Counselling may help. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

we cross posted - I see you get it about her using that name

one correction *No one CAN so it alone* not - No one cannot do it alone.

Make that "No one CAN Do it alone". I think I need a coffee.

Pam~Thank You for letting me know the info you shared. The fact that Kate used my hubs legal name sent up red flags. That does not excuse him from contacting her. I told hubs that he needs to change his password on everything because she know his legal name. Innocent or not he has changing to do. Told him I will continue to monitor his activity and I told him dont want to lose him to some cyber scammer.

Sharynmarie,

In as much of a calm manner as you can, and when you can just try to talk to you husband about this. I agree with Emjo too, about "being the guardian of your marriage." I do feel that if anyone faced with this, feels their marriage is worth saving, then definitely do so. I however also feel, that you as Sharynmarie, the caring, loving wife of 37 years needs to be honored and not become some kind of police to her mate, because there's a threat looming he may stray. That's no way to live. He needs to realize what he's done, and if he acknowledges that it is wrong
do what ever it takes to work on trust again with you.

You are way worth more than what he is currently giving you credit for.

Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sharyn, "kate" is probably no more human than Siri,(the iphone voice) she is a computer simulation. You are smart to spot that she does not know his nickname. She is 99% fantasy. Change your passwords on any online accounts, especially if you use cell phones for transactions.
An engineer had female voices put on the building elevators at county hall. All the men got a big kick out of hearing that voice say "Going down". True story.

In my experience, the online scammers worked in a room full people - sometimes you could hear back ground noise. They were real people but not who they presented themselves to be. I checked out a couple of scam buster sites who publish stories and info to help people who have been scammed or may be scammed. I am sure there are many variations on the theme. I did meet someone who really wanted a girlfriend, but he wanted money too. They all are very clever at manipulating people.
.

My mom was cleared by both her GI doctor (today) and her thrombosis doctor to have surgery and/or radiation therapy for her cancer. I realized the best way to deal with my older sister and my other sisters in dealing with the communication issues was cc'ing all in e-mails about what was said by the different doctors and asking that they reply all if another sister (mostly my older sister) took her to one of her doctor's appointments. Although my sister was yelling at me saying I was a bully after I asked her if the GI doctor had cleared her for cancer treatments, she went home and e-mailed the GI nurse who then got the doctor to advise that she was good to have treatment. My mom has complicated issues and I had asked my older sister to focus on the bigger picture. If that was being a bully then I am fine with that. I just really want the best for my mom. I don't think that's bad. I could walk away and say forget about it all but I love her too much.

Absolutely agree change all passwords,take all CC infomation off any sites. Even change your bank account.keep off facebook. Even ask for new credit cards if at all concerned. The CC company will give them immediately - just tell them you lost your walett. Make sure you have cards in your own name to build up your own credit score if the worse happens. Use a new one for everything but make sure you pay it off each month. Get your name off any joint accounts. Remember half the house is yours. All I am saying is keep your powder dry which is advice I would give to anyone these days. Gone are the days when a wife was married for life and had the security of staying home and raising the children. Do not start behaving like a jailer it won't do you any good he will just be more careful. I was acussed of throwing away the mail from a girlfriend and of course denied it as there never was any mail but months later found keys to a post office box so if the intent is to decieve decieve they will. Same woman sent enough vacation brochures to fill two grocery bags to my house addressed to her sometimes even using our last name. Did not work I just handed them to him when he next turned up. Another time she ordered new bedding from Sears and sent me the bill.! I am old enough to laugh about it now but it was very stressful at the time. Before they moved out of the area I was redecorating our home and putting new carpets down. He asked if he could take the old ones because her house had no carpets she was so poor. Of course I said only too glad to have a chance to twist her tail. He is an incredibly intellegent man but so dumb in everyday life. one thing I was determined not to do was turn the children against him not that he behaved well towards them and still does not know how to connect but all three are prepared to have a relationship. They all helped me out a lot and even went to vist him but SHE did her best to turn them away. The youngest went to pick up things from hubby and the lady of the house locked the doors on her. So being the rescourceful girl she is she went round the house till she found an unlatched window and climbed in. She was met with"Don't you ever dare break into MY house again" to which daughter replied "It's not your house it's my fathers"
Well time to stop enjoying my memories and get some sleep. Sharryn you will be OK don't waste your energy on thingd that don't matter. take another sick day, one is not enough to deal with this.
Hugs

kateri - looks like you have found a workable solution - I hope so anyway. Sounds like your one sister, at least is having trouble accepting how ill your mum is. I am glad she has one level headed daughter - you.