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Glad~Before my mother was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated, my sis was h*ll bent on pursuing a conservatorship. I was against it because of the expense and time involved; sis wanted to hit up our 2 brothers to help pay for it....that was a big NO from me. We went to 2 different elder law attorney's for free consultations and I am so glad we waited...because if my sis is overwhelmed now with the paperwork re: mom's finances, she would have so much more to deal with because of having to account to a judge every couple years. I agree that in your situation you should not back down...your TS's started this so make them eat the glue on the stamps, LOL!!!
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gosh, Glad - every new thing you reveal about the C and the TWs shows them to be worse and worse.

re mother - I don't know how much she wants to hear from them anymore. When I brought her the mail which had been sent to me from her old ALF - (obviously it was misplaced somewhere as some was months old but did contain birthday greetings and other things) I sat with her and opened the envelopes, gave her the cards, she read them and gave them back to me. She did not want to keep them, which is unusual for her, and to me speaks of the dementia progressing. She did not give the impression, not make any comment about having been pleased to get them, though I would think she must have been to some extent, but not much She is so obsessed with her "problems" that they occupy more and more of her attention. Her world is definitely smaller. I did get some interest out of her talking about Haiti where she did volunteer work for 15 years. It never has been very easy to distract mother from what she is obsessing about and it may be harder now. I guess I would say that she must have gotten something positive out of them, but would be far more pleased about having her current complaint attended to. And of course those complaints are endless, so she is endlessly dissatisfied. Oh, well.
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we cross posted, Sharyn - sounds like cards would work well for your mother, When I next see mother I will ask her if she wants me to let people know where she is now or wait until she has a new address. If nothing else it will probably please her as I am asking her opinion and prepared to do something for her. She is still sharp in some ways, but has definitely changed. I suppose it depends on when the vascular damage is.in the brain,

glad - really their behaviour is appalling and C is NOT doing her job. Can you follow this up with anyone? How is the house repair going, and how is your friend with the oxygen tank? Dare say he will be more careful now.
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Joan~As far as my knee is concerned, the only thing I know is to get a cortisone injection, which is also temporary. I really want to get an MRI done to rule out a torn meniscus because when my mother had a torn meniscus, she also had hip pain. I need to call my insurance to find out what they will pay re: an MRI. This type of injury is so common and very easy to do especially with the type of work that I have been doing the 19 years.
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Sharyn, on the cards funny, or not so, TS#1 just does not see mom often so I suggested that she send a card, note, postcard to her since Mom enjoys them so much. Well, TS (twisted sister) went to Europe last year. And when TS returned she sent mom cards weekly for a few weeks until I sent her an email telling her how much Mom enjoyed the cards. Well, the cards never came again.
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Emjo, yes C's actions are primarily what the hearing is for in a few weeks. I just do not get it at all. Impartial third parties were supposed to put an end to this.

Went to my house on Monday to check progress. Nearly all the plaster, lathe, carpets have been taken out. Some popcorn ceilings containing asbestos has been removed. But now they are having trouble with the house testing in acceptable ranges for asbestos. I have a hunch it is probably the old linoleum that is cracked and disintegrating that was beneath the carpets and installed on wood floors. So, everything is kind of on hold until they figure out what is causing the spiked reading for asbestos. So, looking like all linoleum will now need abatement too. That is a good thing, might as well get it all out of there.

I have distanced myself from friend. Just more than I can deal with, I was too much the enabler for way too long. But caring for Mom and L, to say nothing about TS additional stress just did not have it in me to take care of that situation too. Just too, too much. I do have my limits on how much I can deal with. I will say this for him, he was very supportive of me and all I do for Mom and gets the TS nonsense too. I do have another friend here that I can talk to about all of this, and naturally all of you as well. :)
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My mom wants to go to see my brother in Texas for Christmas, 2 weeks. She doesn't have any money to come down there. I pay whatever extras she cannot cover each month. My brother says "I'm going to leave everything up to you"....Oh thanks! I couldn't say anything at the time because it would have made my mother feel even more guilty and bad for me taking care of her. It feels like everyone takes for granted that I am the antidependent in the family and take on too many responsibilities.
Thanks for allowing me a safe space to vent:)
Prayers to all you fellow caregivers.
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CLE, welcome. You are in good company! I would tell your brother that he needs to travel to you to help Mom. She should not be on a plane alone, at least if she is anything like mine! My mom would be so terribly confused and probably think she is being kidnapped or some such. That is the disease and there comes a time with all of them that travel is impossible. Oh wait, you did not say if she has dementia. Does she? Even if it is general health, she should not travel alone! There comes a time.
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CLE let me also add my welcome to you. Can you tell us more about your situation as your mom's caregiver so we can better help you. Caregivers on this forum have often dealt with similar situations and will be happy to share how they resolved their problems.
If Mom is mentally competent and healthy enough to travel alone there is no reason why she should not go to Texas to see your brother. However she can not expect others to pay for her. If you or your brother want to find the money that is your decision. Don't be guilted into doing something you simply don't have the money for. As it is you are currently subsidizing her by paying for things she can't afford. Are these bills for actual needs or things she feels entitled to such as cable TV or a cell phone. many elders have to learn to live within their incomes and that often means downsizing their accomodation, giving up a car and taking the bus, renting an apartment in a subsidised senior apartment complex.
i also totally agree with Glads answer we just need a few more facts. Blessings
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Am so done now! saw my doc she was horrified at my bruises i was so embarrassed at first she thought mum did it? then went to see mums doc told him ive had it with lies im stealing her money,im never there,all the BS of course the a**holes that they are "well the professionals havnt seen any sign of behaviour problems related to dementia?" i asked does he really think a 20 min assessment is professional? anyway i voiced my concerns and showed him my bruises and said this needs to stop right now and she needs to be properly assessed but im NOT her carer anymore i cant take anymore of the lies and conflict with family. i came out deflated and ALONE? im done now and he said hed get her in and SEE? if there is a need for social services to intervene? well he knows mums on her own now brother just popping in daily? there is nothing more i can do but wait until it all falls down around them!
I am so drained now but ive recorded it all its now up to them shes thier responsibility.
Moving everything out this wkend as friend can help me once thats all done mum will crap herself then shell take her anger out on brother she has to know that im never coming back as this time shes gone too far! I just dont get it i mean WHO listens to us? shrinks,docs etc well we dont see it? OMG what has to happen before theyll at least really sit down and listen to the carers? I passed the house this morning at 11am curtains closed? so mum is supposed to take her insulin at 9am then eat. she was still in bed and on her own? porch shut so poor cat not out until she wakes up. Im taking him tomorrow then start to get my stuff out then i will begin to switch off from it all its a horrible situation but i know mum will be in hospital again soon! anyway at least today i got alot done told everyone whats really going on what more can i do! so frustrating when you cant really talk to anyone properly? i just give up!

hugs to all!
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Squeak! CLE, well my goodness they have a nerve between them - so who do they think is stumping up those air fares, hmmm???

I'll pass on a tip - my ex-husband had a special technique for saying an absolute no to requests for money.

Child: Hi, Daddy, I was thinking of going to India for my gap year :)
Ex-husband: You have my blessing.

Your mother wishes to go to Texas? Your brother is happy to accommodate her for a fortnight? Wonderful! Give them your blessing ;) Call brother back and explain it makes no sense for you to make logistical arrangements on his behalf. And, in case he perhaps hasn't grasped this important point, that by the way he does realise mother hasn't got the air fare, doesn't he?
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CM, Squeak?! LOL!
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Hi there
Saying hi to all of you! Trying to participate a little more...I have been avoiding the computer world for quite a while now, very busy and frustrated that it is all I have. But I am realizing I really need this site...now FaceBook I can do without.... but not AgingCare! I did need some time to process everything I went thru and purged out when I first came here on top of that I was so stressed last year with mom's med staff, and their issues, then being put out of our home last July started a snowball I just now feel like ok maybe I can relax a little and participate more without being so sensitive or insensitive in some cases....and my reading/comprehension issue really bothers me. Anyway, still hanging in there and mom is plugging along, this week is the 10 year anniversary of me taking her home with me....wow where does the time go!
well I just wanted to say hi to everyone new and those who have supported me in the past! and hope to visit more often now that things are settling down.
Thanks for being here!!
Peace,
Juju
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Hi ju -glad to see you back and also glad that your life has settled a bit. I gather the renovations are coming along. 10 years is a very long time to give up your life for someone else. Hope you manage to get some "me" time once in a while.

CLE - the nerve!!! Don't go along with it. Sibs so easily dump it in the lap of the one who takes some responsibilities. Vent away

kaz - I am glad you have seen all who need to be seen and can start to put all this behind you. Why does the doctor think your mum collapsed not so long ago? It was she was not caring for herself even though you were trying to. Just crazy!!! But they seem to have to wait till things get worse. Take care of you now and let us know how you are.

glad, the amount of money that is being spent because of your TWS's and also C is insane!!! I do hope the poor performance of C it gets dealt with at this next hearing. Removing the asbestos floors as well is a good idea. The hardwood underneath could be quite nice if refinished I don't blame you leaving the friend alone You have enough on your plate.

Sharyn - I thought that you had a back problem -don't know where I got that from. Hope you get some answers soon. Your mum seems to have settled down for now.

Margeaux - talk about dysfunctional. You have lots of experience.

cm - read about you having to put your mum's cat down. I know how hard that is and that you will miss her. ((((((((hugs))))))) Keep yourself sane no matter what you have to do. Life doesn't give us many breaks.

loo, sandwich, Alison, everyone Hi, and take care of you.

Things are moving here. I will start a new post.
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Phone call this morning from the hospital transition coordinator and I was informed that mother will likely be moved soon, and then we will have three days to get her moved once I get the call, so I better get my ducks in a row. She needs someone to do the things that have been done for her - shopping for her vitamins, buying clothing, taking stuff for dry cleaning, transportation to her doctors etc. I told them that Gary will be dealing with the furniture and other belongings and he is out of town now. A few weeks ago they said we had a 3 month wait. Gary has another meeting out of town in October so wish us luck.

Mother will need a new mattress, and cannot have cloth furniture because of bed bug scare. She does have two leather occasional chairs and a wooden rocker so that should work. I will call Sears about a new mattress and see if I can buy one and if they can keep one on hand and deliver it when needed. Mother has a lady that has shopped for her and mother always complains how much she costs, but I think we will just have to live with that. The coordinator told me to tell mother not to worry about. I burst into laughter. I'm afraid he does not "get" her. She will worry, regardless of what I say.

It is rather sudden, but Gary thrives on this kind of thing, so I am sure he will look aftermost of it. We can do some sorting when we go to get her coat and sweater.

Of course, after she is moved, there is the need to dispose of what is left but can't worry about that now. I think we need to leave the rest of her stuff in storage for a few months till she settles in. No doubt she will change her mind about a few things.

I will send pics of her furniture etc. to the SW who can start going through them to see what she wants with her. Apparently she can't have too much due to fire regulations.

Once she is in I will have to set up a phone for her and cable service. I don't think she can manage a computer anymore. Not sure how to manage seeing that she has "pin" money, but maybe I will have to send her a few $20s in an envelope every now and again.

The TC tactfully suggested a mental health facility and I whole heartedly agreed. The staff there will have better skills in managing her problems and keeping her on the injected risperidone. They will allow her an open unit. She told them that she is not going anywhere. I will see to it that she does not have the money to go far.

Need to get her credit card and ATM card sorted out now.

Just thinking aloud here. Any ideas are welcome. It would be great to get her moved before the snow comes. One step at a time!!!
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Ok, I will try again...accidentally pushed something and lost the post.

Kaz~If you have not removed all your belongings from your mom's house, the next time you go over, if you have the opportunity, I would use the cell phone to take pics of the unclean conditions your mom is living in now. Just in case you need it, if/when the sh!!t hits the fan.

Glad~For my mom, I am going to get blank cards with cute animal pics and outdoor scenery. She likes both and the visual will keep her interest with a short note inside.

Juju~Glad to see you posting here again. 10 years is a long time. I am glad the renovations are coming along, so much stress dealing with just the reno.

CLE~Welcome!!! I echo what everyone else has said. Maybe your brother can come visit you and mom for Christmas.

Joan~The only reason I think something may be going on with my knee that is not related to my back, is because I do have knee pain without back pain. It could be all from the sciatica. My dr did say I have bursitis in this knee....diagnosed without an xray after he manipulated my knee around in different positions. The pain seems to only be there when driving home from work after being on my feet all day. I only suggest a torn meniscus because of how common it is when you are pivoting back and forth with your knees, lifting 30-35lb boxes and just the normal wear and tear on the body from years of this type of work. The other day when I go to work, I lifted 3 boxes of whole body chickens onto a cart so I could prep them for the next day. Well, for an hour afterward, I had knee pain, I was even thinking that I may have to leave if it continues. I do have a high tolerance to pain so it is not like I am a big baby, LOL!!! There are times when I should stay home but I don't. Anyway, it will all work out and I will find out for sure what is going on.

For general info, the larger of the 2 shingle spots is still healing. Some days it is very itchy. It looks like 1 chicken pox spot now.

Take care everyone, we are slowing cooling into the 80's with the mornings and evening being very nice. I can't wait for Oct....we will settle into some nice temps then.
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cell phone pics is a great idea Sharyn,
certainly your work could cause joint problems. Someone mentioned a brace - would that help? Glad your shingles are clearing up and you did not have a bad attack.

Well one elder is getting sorted out and now it seems that my ex mil is having problems. She is in her early 80s and has had diabetes type 2 and atrial fib for years and years. Her other son had to break into her place a week ago and he found her passed out on the floor. She went to hospital and has no recollection of the incident. They said it was some new meds. I just talked to her and got her son first and he quickly told me that he had to call the ambulance today as she got really mad at him - then she came to the phone and I heard no more. She says she is fine and that she went to hospital because of a cracked rib she got earlier in the summer. I am not sure that she is fine - she does not sound quite like herself and I wonder if there is some dementia setting in. Her doctor has suggested that she move to a senior's place, but she keeps putting it off. Her other son does not work and is on disability due to depression and spends quite a lot of time with his mum though he has his own place. Right now it is good that she has him to look out for her. Not sure there is much I could do but keep in touch and encourage. A cousin of my ex contacted me and asked how she is, so I can keep them informed. Just hope I stay relatively well for quite a while!!! I don't want to saddle Gary with a decrepit old woman!
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Emjo I know your situation is so complicated with your mother but I do think extended family would appreciate knowing that her overall condition is declining.
I would just keep it in the general terms that she is no longer able to concentrate on writing but would enjoy recieving cards from them. You could say that she is in the process of moving so she can have more care and leave out the detail,. at 102 they will be expecting a decline. You can also say you are having all her mail sent to you so you can deal with the essentials and forward personal mail to her.
No one needs to know she is in psyc ward A in XYZ mental hospital for the insane.
You can assure them you are continuing to ensure that she recieves high quality care and is tolerating the necessary restrictions of her freedom and is free to participate in many of the activities provided and particularily enjoys the ie "music club" If your sister spills the beans so be it you will not have told any lies. If mom is not interested in her mail when you give it too her cahnces are she does not open it if sent directly to her and probably does not listen if someone reads it to her. the idea of a basket of cards is excellent as she probably will only look at the pictures and the signature. keep the messages short and include simple family events. Maybe."Everyone in Calgery is fine ,Bobby's wife is expecting her fifth. I do enjoy babies. The weather is lovely for Oct. can't believe the year has gone so fast." If she even cares anymore it will show others still know she is alive and they think of her. At least you will have tried. Glad you are feeling better Joan. it is so hard to accept that as we get older it takes so long to recover from everything. Hugs
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Thanks for the support all!!
Gosh Emjo- a move again, last I remember you just got her settled in over a move. I would agree that correspondence, a general statement of sorts with not too much detail seems fair, as sed at 102 issues are not surprising to anyone. Greeting cards are nice. a good suggestion...in this day of the internet I think that practice is slowly becoming obsolete!
Wish everybody strength in dealing with their challenges!!!
Peace, Juju
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Thx Veronica. Now that I have had notice that mother will be moving fairly soon, I think I can wait until I have an address. It should probably be within the month and I have only had one card for her in the past few months. She actually still can write quite well if she is motivated, She does not keep the cards, but gives them back to me. I agree that family only need know that she is moving to a place where she will get more care. That in itself says that she is declining.

I laughed at the thought of her enjoying anything. Mother does not join in any activities, but sits and thinks about all the wrongs in her life. She does still read books though, so she would enjoy receiving those, She doesn't remember the plots, but still enjoys reading.

I am getting better. This infection is a difficult one to deal with as it is not just getting the candida under control but also building up the good bugs and that takes quite a lot of time. I read recently that children who have had a lot of antibiotics may never recover a normal gut balance. It takes months to restore balance after one bout of antibiotics. and I was on then several times a year for years. Thankfully I found some kimchi and some coconut milk yogurt - both good sources of probiotics - as I am allergic to dairy. Getting older sure doesn't help either, but I am determined to beat this. I was off the meds last year, so I can do it again.
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Thanks ju. I wish she could use a computer still It was a lifeline for her, but I think windows 8 is beyond her. She has tried it and with the loss of short term memory, she forgets what she has just learned. I am thinking of getting an old laptop of mine, with windows 7, fixed up and seeing if she can use that, but need to get her settled in first.

One annoying part of this is that even if she is in a "tiered" facility with different levels of care, if she needs more care, at some point, there is no guarantee that she will stay in the same facility. She will be placed in the first bed that becomes available which could be anywhere in the city, which would mean another move. Aaaargh. This has to end sometime. Thank God for Gary. I don't know what I would do without him.

So glad that you are feeling better and your home renos are getting completed. (((((hugs)))))
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Emjo,

It sounds like this is a two tier situation.
One, is the fact that you may be feeling in the middle, since these relatives who once communicated w/your mom don't know about her current condition. I always
think that for a variety of reasons......best to just share very general information.
This way you keep yourself clear of the he said, she said.

Now the other part is.......I have to say, given your relationship w/your mom,
and the chaos she's caused you, I guess if you feel comfortable giving her cards
sent to her, then I guess there's no harm done. But if you really feel that she's not really interested in these, don't you think it's just going to be something extra for you to have on your plate? You have quite enough to contend with already.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Thx margeaux , I agree about the general info - really not much more than her new address. Re the cards - they will generally come to her new address via the mail once I have informed people. It is just the ones that go to her old address that will come to me. She does not deal with business anymore and I have transferred some of it to my address, and will continue to as things come up. She keeps business mail and waits for me to pick it up or she sends it to me. Seems to work for now. The lady who takes her shopping can help with sending stuff on to me. When I set up her phone and cable I will give them my address. Slowly, I am getting things transferred over. Hopefully only her personal mail will go to her eventually. Then she can do what she likes with it. It will be interesting to see if having her belongings around her will make a difference. Yes, I have quite enough to contend with and I feel it.
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Ibam so heart broken... i finally blew tonight with my hubs about text messages to to a # north carolina. He denied it but did admit he his talking with a woman in flordia named kate. I have no where elxe to vent this.. I know you all dont want to get involled... but iam so hurt... i texted the # telling her to back off bane told hubs we would have a facebook account that is joint. I told him he would have to explain this to his family and children. Iam so ashamed of him and our marriage.
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((((((Sharyn))))))) you need to vent and share. I am so sorry about this and know how hurtful it is. The shame is not yours to bear - it is his. You are a faithful and hardworking wife. Unfortunately, today's technology makes this kind of thing very easy though that is no excuse for anyone. Can the two of you, or you alone go for counselling before it gets worse? I wondered how you were.
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sharymarie hugs i dont know whats going on with your hubby but just thinking of you! also good advice i never thought of that! yes i will take photos next tiime its a wk now so i guess the house will be pretty bad! doc is supposed to see mum on tuesday i doubt shell turn up but he may demand she sees him or she wont get her perscription? i dont know if he can legally do that? anyway im staying away and starting to calm down. I try not to think of my sister and brother as i just get so angry!

OMG my other supportive bro asked me in a joking way so whats the plan for xmas? oh god please dont even go there i will not be going near the house. Yes alot coming up mums bday in oct dads year anniversary in dec then "happy families xmas" LOL "the season to be jolly?" Ive spent the best xmas alone 3yrs ago!! looking forward to another one with no siblings!

am just chilling as i have bad flu its unbelievable weather here we are having an indian summer but cold at night so bugs everywhere!

hugs to all and sharynmarie you need someone to talk to! thinking of you!
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Good news! My Mom is off of Plevix ( or whatever that blood thinner is), is taking anti-biotics (for the third time this year) for a UTI, but she felt good enough to go shopping and to eat out tonight. She was in such a nice pleasant mood, it was almost like having the mother I used to get along with today. So the other side of Dr.Jeckyll/Mr.Hyde was today. It was so nice to relax an enjoy each other: been a long, long, time!!
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Sharyn I am so sorry about your news -take care girlfriend and come here often and let your sisterhood friends be there for you. Kaaz hang in there the nerve of bro asking about the holidays I can not say here what I would have answered him with-I read Dr. Phil's book when life was bad for me and he said it is better to be alone than with someone who treats you badly and that became my mantra and it is true-God sent me a good man over a yr. and a half ago and what a difference it has made in my life-to be treated good took getting use to after years married to a selfish baby of a man and a childhood with a narcissistic mother -you are better away from all that drama and do not let them pull you back in to their lair of dysfunction-in time you will meet people who will value the good person you are-keep your heart open for good people who are out there-families are often overrated .
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Oh sharyn, How upsetting...sending you my support!!!!
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Sharyn, I am so sorry. The internet makes it so easy for these kinds of things to happen. My ex, 15 years ago now, before chat rooms and dating sites, maybe, was looking at porn sites. I don't think at that time he was chatting with anybody, but could have been. When we first divorced, he started dating women he met on the internet, so who the heck knows. Maybe I have given him too much credit.

Kazz, maybe you should visit your brother for the holidays, if nobody else is going there. Two years ago was my first holiday celebration alone. All my kids were out of town with in-laws, and TS's had Mom and L over, I was not invited. Turned out OK, but was glad when that season was over! I just kept thinking that maybe next year, that was a year ago. Last year was awful because TS's had told Mom's newly assigned guardian that I was keeping them from Mom. What a bunch of it! So had all here for breakfast just because guardian wanted me too. She has come to understand the situation for what it is now and won't do that again.

Maybe next year, but there is still three months until then. Lots of things can happen. Am thinking about taking thanksgiving week off since sibs also have week off from their jobs. They can come stay with mom for that week while I just go hibernate somewhere.
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