
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
re mother - I don't know how much she wants to hear from them anymore. When I brought her the mail which had been sent to me from her old ALF - (obviously it was misplaced somewhere as some was months old but did contain birthday greetings and other things) I sat with her and opened the envelopes, gave her the cards, she read them and gave them back to me. She did not want to keep them, which is unusual for her, and to me speaks of the dementia progressing. She did not give the impression, not make any comment about having been pleased to get them, though I would think she must have been to some extent, but not much She is so obsessed with her "problems" that they occupy more and more of her attention. Her world is definitely smaller. I did get some interest out of her talking about Haiti where she did volunteer work for 15 years. It never has been very easy to distract mother from what she is obsessing about and it may be harder now. I guess I would say that she must have gotten something positive out of them, but would be far more pleased about having her current complaint attended to. And of course those complaints are endless, so she is endlessly dissatisfied. Oh, well.
glad - really their behaviour is appalling and C is NOT doing her job. Can you follow this up with anyone? How is the house repair going, and how is your friend with the oxygen tank? Dare say he will be more careful now.
Went to my house on Monday to check progress. Nearly all the plaster, lathe, carpets have been taken out. Some popcorn ceilings containing asbestos has been removed. But now they are having trouble with the house testing in acceptable ranges for asbestos. I have a hunch it is probably the old linoleum that is cracked and disintegrating that was beneath the carpets and installed on wood floors. So, everything is kind of on hold until they figure out what is causing the spiked reading for asbestos. So, looking like all linoleum will now need abatement too. That is a good thing, might as well get it all out of there.
I have distanced myself from friend. Just more than I can deal with, I was too much the enabler for way too long. But caring for Mom and L, to say nothing about TS additional stress just did not have it in me to take care of that situation too. Just too, too much. I do have my limits on how much I can deal with. I will say this for him, he was very supportive of me and all I do for Mom and gets the TS nonsense too. I do have another friend here that I can talk to about all of this, and naturally all of you as well. :)
Thanks for allowing me a safe space to vent:)
Prayers to all you fellow caregivers.
If Mom is mentally competent and healthy enough to travel alone there is no reason why she should not go to Texas to see your brother. However she can not expect others to pay for her. If you or your brother want to find the money that is your decision. Don't be guilted into doing something you simply don't have the money for. As it is you are currently subsidizing her by paying for things she can't afford. Are these bills for actual needs or things she feels entitled to such as cable TV or a cell phone. many elders have to learn to live within their incomes and that often means downsizing their accomodation, giving up a car and taking the bus, renting an apartment in a subsidised senior apartment complex.
i also totally agree with Glads answer we just need a few more facts. Blessings
I am so drained now but ive recorded it all its now up to them shes thier responsibility.
Moving everything out this wkend as friend can help me once thats all done mum will crap herself then shell take her anger out on brother she has to know that im never coming back as this time shes gone too far! I just dont get it i mean WHO listens to us? shrinks,docs etc well we dont see it? OMG what has to happen before theyll at least really sit down and listen to the carers? I passed the house this morning at 11am curtains closed? so mum is supposed to take her insulin at 9am then eat. she was still in bed and on her own? porch shut so poor cat not out until she wakes up. Im taking him tomorrow then start to get my stuff out then i will begin to switch off from it all its a horrible situation but i know mum will be in hospital again soon! anyway at least today i got alot done told everyone whats really going on what more can i do! so frustrating when you cant really talk to anyone properly? i just give up!
hugs to all!
I'll pass on a tip - my ex-husband had a special technique for saying an absolute no to requests for money.
Child: Hi, Daddy, I was thinking of going to India for my gap year :)
Ex-husband: You have my blessing.
Your mother wishes to go to Texas? Your brother is happy to accommodate her for a fortnight? Wonderful! Give them your blessing ;) Call brother back and explain it makes no sense for you to make logistical arrangements on his behalf. And, in case he perhaps hasn't grasped this important point, that by the way he does realise mother hasn't got the air fare, doesn't he?
Saying hi to all of you! Trying to participate a little more...I have been avoiding the computer world for quite a while now, very busy and frustrated that it is all I have. But I am realizing I really need this site...now FaceBook I can do without.... but not AgingCare! I did need some time to process everything I went thru and purged out when I first came here on top of that I was so stressed last year with mom's med staff, and their issues, then being put out of our home last July started a snowball I just now feel like ok maybe I can relax a little and participate more without being so sensitive or insensitive in some cases....and my reading/comprehension issue really bothers me. Anyway, still hanging in there and mom is plugging along, this week is the 10 year anniversary of me taking her home with me....wow where does the time go!
well I just wanted to say hi to everyone new and those who have supported me in the past! and hope to visit more often now that things are settling down.
Thanks for being here!!
Peace,
Juju
CLE - the nerve!!! Don't go along with it. Sibs so easily dump it in the lap of the one who takes some responsibilities. Vent away
kaz - I am glad you have seen all who need to be seen and can start to put all this behind you. Why does the doctor think your mum collapsed not so long ago? It was she was not caring for herself even though you were trying to. Just crazy!!! But they seem to have to wait till things get worse. Take care of you now and let us know how you are.
glad, the amount of money that is being spent because of your TWS's and also C is insane!!! I do hope the poor performance of C it gets dealt with at this next hearing. Removing the asbestos floors as well is a good idea. The hardwood underneath could be quite nice if refinished I don't blame you leaving the friend alone You have enough on your plate.
Sharyn - I thought that you had a back problem -don't know where I got that from. Hope you get some answers soon. Your mum seems to have settled down for now.
Margeaux - talk about dysfunctional. You have lots of experience.
cm - read about you having to put your mum's cat down. I know how hard that is and that you will miss her. ((((((((hugs))))))) Keep yourself sane no matter what you have to do. Life doesn't give us many breaks.
loo, sandwich, Alison, everyone Hi, and take care of you.
Things are moving here. I will start a new post.
Mother will need a new mattress, and cannot have cloth furniture because of bed bug scare. She does have two leather occasional chairs and a wooden rocker so that should work. I will call Sears about a new mattress and see if I can buy one and if they can keep one on hand and deliver it when needed. Mother has a lady that has shopped for her and mother always complains how much she costs, but I think we will just have to live with that. The coordinator told me to tell mother not to worry about. I burst into laughter. I'm afraid he does not "get" her. She will worry, regardless of what I say.
It is rather sudden, but Gary thrives on this kind of thing, so I am sure he will look aftermost of it. We can do some sorting when we go to get her coat and sweater.
Of course, after she is moved, there is the need to dispose of what is left but can't worry about that now. I think we need to leave the rest of her stuff in storage for a few months till she settles in. No doubt she will change her mind about a few things.
I will send pics of her furniture etc. to the SW who can start going through them to see what she wants with her. Apparently she can't have too much due to fire regulations.
Once she is in I will have to set up a phone for her and cable service. I don't think she can manage a computer anymore. Not sure how to manage seeing that she has "pin" money, but maybe I will have to send her a few $20s in an envelope every now and again.
The TC tactfully suggested a mental health facility and I whole heartedly agreed. The staff there will have better skills in managing her problems and keeping her on the injected risperidone. They will allow her an open unit. She told them that she is not going anywhere. I will see to it that she does not have the money to go far.
Need to get her credit card and ATM card sorted out now.
Just thinking aloud here. Any ideas are welcome. It would be great to get her moved before the snow comes. One step at a time!!!
Kaz~If you have not removed all your belongings from your mom's house, the next time you go over, if you have the opportunity, I would use the cell phone to take pics of the unclean conditions your mom is living in now. Just in case you need it, if/when the sh!!t hits the fan.
Glad~For my mom, I am going to get blank cards with cute animal pics and outdoor scenery. She likes both and the visual will keep her interest with a short note inside.
Juju~Glad to see you posting here again. 10 years is a long time. I am glad the renovations are coming along, so much stress dealing with just the reno.
CLE~Welcome!!! I echo what everyone else has said. Maybe your brother can come visit you and mom for Christmas.
Joan~The only reason I think something may be going on with my knee that is not related to my back, is because I do have knee pain without back pain. It could be all from the sciatica. My dr did say I have bursitis in this knee....diagnosed without an xray after he manipulated my knee around in different positions. The pain seems to only be there when driving home from work after being on my feet all day. I only suggest a torn meniscus because of how common it is when you are pivoting back and forth with your knees, lifting 30-35lb boxes and just the normal wear and tear on the body from years of this type of work. The other day when I go to work, I lifted 3 boxes of whole body chickens onto a cart so I could prep them for the next day. Well, for an hour afterward, I had knee pain, I was even thinking that I may have to leave if it continues. I do have a high tolerance to pain so it is not like I am a big baby, LOL!!! There are times when I should stay home but I don't. Anyway, it will all work out and I will find out for sure what is going on.
For general info, the larger of the 2 shingle spots is still healing. Some days it is very itchy. It looks like 1 chicken pox spot now.
Take care everyone, we are slowing cooling into the 80's with the mornings and evening being very nice. I can't wait for Oct....we will settle into some nice temps then.
certainly your work could cause joint problems. Someone mentioned a brace - would that help? Glad your shingles are clearing up and you did not have a bad attack.
Well one elder is getting sorted out and now it seems that my ex mil is having problems. She is in her early 80s and has had diabetes type 2 and atrial fib for years and years. Her other son had to break into her place a week ago and he found her passed out on the floor. She went to hospital and has no recollection of the incident. They said it was some new meds. I just talked to her and got her son first and he quickly told me that he had to call the ambulance today as she got really mad at him - then she came to the phone and I heard no more. She says she is fine and that she went to hospital because of a cracked rib she got earlier in the summer. I am not sure that she is fine - she does not sound quite like herself and I wonder if there is some dementia setting in. Her doctor has suggested that she move to a senior's place, but she keeps putting it off. Her other son does not work and is on disability due to depression and spends quite a lot of time with his mum though he has his own place. Right now it is good that she has him to look out for her. Not sure there is much I could do but keep in touch and encourage. A cousin of my ex contacted me and asked how she is, so I can keep them informed. Just hope I stay relatively well for quite a while!!! I don't want to saddle Gary with a decrepit old woman!
I would just keep it in the general terms that she is no longer able to concentrate on writing but would enjoy recieving cards from them. You could say that she is in the process of moving so she can have more care and leave out the detail,. at 102 they will be expecting a decline. You can also say you are having all her mail sent to you so you can deal with the essentials and forward personal mail to her.
No one needs to know she is in psyc ward A in XYZ mental hospital for the insane.
You can assure them you are continuing to ensure that she recieves high quality care and is tolerating the necessary restrictions of her freedom and is free to participate in many of the activities provided and particularily enjoys the ie "music club" If your sister spills the beans so be it you will not have told any lies. If mom is not interested in her mail when you give it too her cahnces are she does not open it if sent directly to her and probably does not listen if someone reads it to her. the idea of a basket of cards is excellent as she probably will only look at the pictures and the signature. keep the messages short and include simple family events. Maybe."Everyone in Calgery is fine ,Bobby's wife is expecting her fifth. I do enjoy babies. The weather is lovely for Oct. can't believe the year has gone so fast." If she even cares anymore it will show others still know she is alive and they think of her. At least you will have tried. Glad you are feeling better Joan. it is so hard to accept that as we get older it takes so long to recover from everything. Hugs
Gosh Emjo- a move again, last I remember you just got her settled in over a move. I would agree that correspondence, a general statement of sorts with not too much detail seems fair, as sed at 102 issues are not surprising to anyone. Greeting cards are nice. a good suggestion...in this day of the internet I think that practice is slowly becoming obsolete!
Wish everybody strength in dealing with their challenges!!!
Peace, Juju
I laughed at the thought of her enjoying anything. Mother does not join in any activities, but sits and thinks about all the wrongs in her life. She does still read books though, so she would enjoy receiving those, She doesn't remember the plots, but still enjoys reading.
I am getting better. This infection is a difficult one to deal with as it is not just getting the candida under control but also building up the good bugs and that takes quite a lot of time. I read recently that children who have had a lot of antibiotics may never recover a normal gut balance. It takes months to restore balance after one bout of antibiotics. and I was on then several times a year for years. Thankfully I found some kimchi and some coconut milk yogurt - both good sources of probiotics - as I am allergic to dairy. Getting older sure doesn't help either, but I am determined to beat this. I was off the meds last year, so I can do it again.
One annoying part of this is that even if she is in a "tiered" facility with different levels of care, if she needs more care, at some point, there is no guarantee that she will stay in the same facility. She will be placed in the first bed that becomes available which could be anywhere in the city, which would mean another move. Aaaargh. This has to end sometime. Thank God for Gary. I don't know what I would do without him.
So glad that you are feeling better and your home renos are getting completed. (((((hugs)))))
It sounds like this is a two tier situation.
One, is the fact that you may be feeling in the middle, since these relatives who once communicated w/your mom don't know about her current condition. I always
think that for a variety of reasons......best to just share very general information.
This way you keep yourself clear of the he said, she said.
Now the other part is.......I have to say, given your relationship w/your mom,
and the chaos she's caused you, I guess if you feel comfortable giving her cards
sent to her, then I guess there's no harm done. But if you really feel that she's not really interested in these, don't you think it's just going to be something extra for you to have on your plate? You have quite enough to contend with already.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
OMG my other supportive bro asked me in a joking way so whats the plan for xmas? oh god please dont even go there i will not be going near the house. Yes alot coming up mums bday in oct dads year anniversary in dec then "happy families xmas" LOL "the season to be jolly?" Ive spent the best xmas alone 3yrs ago!! looking forward to another one with no siblings!
am just chilling as i have bad flu its unbelievable weather here we are having an indian summer but cold at night so bugs everywhere!
hugs to all and sharynmarie you need someone to talk to! thinking of you!
Kazz, maybe you should visit your brother for the holidays, if nobody else is going there. Two years ago was my first holiday celebration alone. All my kids were out of town with in-laws, and TS's had Mom and L over, I was not invited. Turned out OK, but was glad when that season was over! I just kept thinking that maybe next year, that was a year ago. Last year was awful because TS's had told Mom's newly assigned guardian that I was keeping them from Mom. What a bunch of it! So had all here for breakfast just because guardian wanted me too. She has come to understand the situation for what it is now and won't do that again.
Maybe next year, but there is still three months until then. Lots of things can happen. Am thinking about taking thanksgiving week off since sibs also have week off from their jobs. They can come stay with mom for that week while I just go hibernate somewhere.