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kaz - I think the chickens will come home to roost pretty quickly., and the visiting nurse and other professionals find out what is happening now. I understand the frustration at doctors or psychiatrists saying your mum is OK when you have seen crazy behaviour. I began to wonder what it would take for them to deem mother incompetent. She still is called competent because she does pretty well on tests, though she cannot handle any of her finances, thinks there is smoke coming out of the air vents to make her demented, and has other delusions. What you saw when you went to get your things is just the beginning. Keep out of it, let our bro and sis and the professionals find out. Take this time to regroup and regain some of what you have lost in the past 5 years. You have your court case in October to concentrate on. Prayers for that to go well. My sis backed up my mother against me too and her agenda has always been money. Sis tells mother absolutely everything that I tell her, so I have learned to tell sis nothing specific.

As glad and Sharyn, margeaux and others have seen - there is denial.

book - you and me too - a fly on the wall

pam - your points about the control and divide and conquer are good ones. My mother sets us up and then says all she wants is for her daughters to get along
puh - lease!!!

hepi22 - you are not the only one who will cut contact with sibs when their other dies. My mother is very controlling too, but I do what has to be done for her. I have pretty well cut off my sis already and once mother is gone, it will be "no contact" with sis.

hi to alison, cm, sandwich, loo everyone else. Alison - try to picture what you want your life to be in 5 years. Cm - deep breaths . I have decided I need to learn to deal with frustrations better. G is a lovely man, but I can get very frustrated with him sometimes. I need to handle that better. I ended up not going on the trip.. Several issues and G's boss booked a meeting just with him for the day G took as a holiday, which cut our vacay time really short. They disapprove of family coming, so we decided that either I won't go to those large meetings, or will come at the end of them once G knows what time he has off. G's job is being rewritten with more responsibility, so he needs to keep his nose squeaky clean. We and/or I will go another time to see the coloring. He may get in a day of sightseeing before he has to fly back.

Fall colouring here now - green and gold and blue skies. Yesterday and today hit the 80's but that won't last long. All is well for now down south as far as I know. The SW has stressed to my sis that mother has vascular dementia and that I am doing all that can be done for her. Good to have the back up.

Sharyn, I couldn't find the pic :(.

Take care all, and do something good for you
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Emjo, I have for to say a word about Mom's guardian/ social worker. She is absolutely wonderful, sees through TS's crap! I do not know what I ever did without her! And now the team that she has helped me to build that are only interested in Mom's welfare. The conservator is another story again and wanted me to sign a care agreement that would give her "sole discretion" over placement decisions based on finances. What a bunch of hooey! And basis is a financial plan that showed Mom spending three times what she spends in a year! That was supposed to be revised, distributed for review, then resubmitted to the court. Of course that did not happen and filed objection, hearing next month. And about moving Mom to a facility if it costs more to stay at home. How much more? Five dollars? A thousand dollars? Just a bunch of it! Take placement decision completely out of guardian's control?! Noperino!
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Glad - I am so happy for you that the guardian is a good person. It makes all the difference in the world then you can work as a team for the best for your mum. Tell the conservator to blow it you know now where. Ridiculous!! Stand firm!!! Good for you.
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I actually think that TS's and conservator hoped that it would be found that I have been exploring Mom and L for all of this three years. It sure would have made things easy for them and they all still think that I have been taking money. Unbelievable! And that would have been one of those dumb burglar stories had I done ANYTHING after I was investigated by APS two years ago. And that investigator was so kind and actually told me that the request for investigation was nothing but a spiteful action. That statement verified that it was my darling sibs that reported me. AND the judge will be the only one that ever gets to see his report. That will absolutely blow sibs out of the water!

I also hope the judge requires sibs to repay all of the attorney fees they have spent and mine as well! And there are instructions in the trust of what is to happen if there is a legal battle; losers are out of the trust! And they deserve it! When Mom is gone I have no desire to ever have anything to do with them!

Like you, Emjo and somebody else?
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My situation with my sis is/was not about denial. It is/was because 1)my sis and mom to carbon copies 2) they clashed...sis does not believe she got the attention she deserved growing up and made into a slave for our mother...which she was a slave for her. 3) I was the baby of the family who took after our father.

All the focus from my mother was on our eldest brother and my sister. Both take after my mother and her family. My sis felt she was a slave and did not get individual attention and nurturing from our mother....I didn't either...I was ignored until my sis and eldest bro had left home. So my sis's agenda is to go overboard on all levels to please our mother so she can get the kudos she feels she deserves. This is exactly what our mother did to try to win over our eldest bro and my sis....little good it did. Their personalities are too similar and they clashed with each other.

Joan~my daughter blocked the pic so only family and the friends of hers/sil can see it. I respect her decision but at the same time...they are willing to let the photographer have rights with the photos she took for ads, LOL!!! I am going to talk with her about that.

Glad~I hope you do talk with the judge about repaying the fees...it is only right that they do.
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From what I read here, after the court decided that the caregiver was innocent of all charges of abuse/stealing of money, the court never required that the cost be reimbursed by the losing party. It seems that the only one who ended up paying for the court costs were the caregivers. The court/legal system seems to think that the accusers are protecting the elderly, therefore, the cost is deducted from the elderly's bank account and not from the accusers. Most times, it's the caregivers who lose because they don't have the funds to have a prolonged legal battle.

Glad, that's great that there's a stipulation on the trust. And that you didn't sign 'sole discretion' to the conservator. I've read here how that usually turns out bad because the conservator ends up putting the parent in a NH far from the caregiver, or a terrible NH just because it's cheaper, etc.... Once a conservator has control, no one in the legal system wants to take them to court for their actions. Yes, I agree with Emjo, Stand Firm!
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My personal issue is physical. While driving to Idaho last month, my right knee was causing me pain the whole time. Pain the entire time in Idaho, I bought a reusable ice pack while there. Used it on my right lower back for sciatica and directly on my knee with only some relief. I had the same issue driving home and now being back to work...when I get in my car to come home at the end of my shift, pain in my knee the entire drive home. Just waiting for some to pass since getting transferred before getting it all checked out.
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Kazz, big hugs to you. Hope you get your stuff out of the house without incident, and then get a bit of peace and quiet. What gives with preparations for your court case? Just… be careful what you wish for, eh? Hugs again x
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Sharyn, would it help if you got one of those circulation stockings? The ones used by diabetics or those with poor circulations on their legs? If not, how about using those knee pads/brace that would flex when you move your legs? This way, it 'massages' your knee as you do those long drive.
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Book, Sharyn, Emjo, others no I will not back down. What have I to lose at this point? Not much. Yes I have been paying my own attorney fees, while TS's continue to spend Mom's money to pay theirs.

It is still incomprehensible that TS's could actually continue believing their confabulations even after being told by APS that nothing was going on with the money. Conservator was here a couple of weeks ago to talk with L, and her line of questioning was the same as those asked by APS two years ago.
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Glad, but it doesn't hurt to request that the accusers pay for the court fees. Who knows, you might get a decent honorable judge.
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I have mentioned the request to have TS's to repay attorney fees and costs. Her reply to me was that sibs were just trying to protect Mom from me?! Mom needs protection from them!
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Glad, you might have a case on getting the Terrible Twos to reimburse for court costs. Because based on the reports from APS and your mom's guardian/social worker, it would prove that there was no reason for going to court. Hopefully!
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Book, I hope you are right! It would serve them right!
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Sharyn I hate to mention the obvious but does your car have cruise control and do you use it? Is the diver's seat really comfortable? i foam cushion might help, also make sure the back of the seat is supporting your back, if not add foam there too. Another thing that may help is to use one of those heated seat pads if your car does not have heated seats. I will even use the heat it in the summer heat if my back is playing up. Also stop and walk around for a few minutes every couple of hours.
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Jen813,

We once had a niece who caused nothing but problems for our family.
She's my youngest brother's daughter by a careless pregnancy.
Since of course my brother didn't stay w/her mother (both too young),
he did support her financially. But when it came to the visiting arrangement my brother was to have w/his kid, mother (the controller back in the day), pretty much took over any and all responsibilities concerning the care of her grand daughter.
The only thing is.......she spoiiled her rotten. The girl eventually got into all kinds of trouble with the law, and drugs. But you see here mom, was enabling my brother,
the youngest of four siblings. Mom always did allow him to get away with many things, say my sister and I would have had to answer and pay for if it were the other way around.

When my niece was super involved in drugs, also......mom was still enabling her,
by making excuses for her, and basically always feeling sorry, for that situation,
of my brother's daughter having to live between households because my brother didn't stay with the girl's mother. We the family had to call the cops one time to my parent's household, because she'd been apparently running drugs for some gangbangers. We just didn't want this kind of trouble no less at my parent's home.
There will always be situation of theft, when there are drugs around, too.
She stole money from many family members, til we made it clear she could no longer be at mom's. My dad was the one who finally put his foot down.

So after I read your first post, I'm aware that you went to live with your mom.
You are carrying the major responsibilities that one hears most caregivers take on for a parent. I'm just wondering.......I would hope as I do for anyone in your circumstance, that the legalities of your participation are in place, things such as POA, MPOA. Maybe you can start from there. Now I know how delicate it can become when a sibling or other relative has to address another, such as your brother, who is taking advantage of your mom. Even though......mom has always done this, the enabling, is there possibly and mental health agency you could connect with to see what could be done about this? Again, I do feel for you,
because when my niece was at the height of her delinquency.......it wasn't an easy decision w/in the family to just pick up that phone and call the police on her.
I'm not saying that you should do that either, so just want to be clear about this,
but there must be a way for you to circumvent future problems around this issue.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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My brother's wife had a gallbladder procedure done over a week ago.
I found out through my sister that she had to be place in ICU, for over a week because she had a major infection which affected BP, and her heart.
I haven't seen my brother nor my SIL, in quite sometime. They live so far away.
Add to this........I've written in the past how my sister and SIL are always involved in these silent wars between one another. They are both very passive aggressive in terms of their behaviors towards one another, it's been like this during a 25 yr. marriage my brother and SIL have had. They are both of course at fault, both controllers, even narcissists. I've always kept a real distance from my SIL.

Anyway......in the picture though as to current events.....so all week long I've been receiving emails from my sister about the fact she's talked to our brother about his wife's status.I do love my brother and even though my SIL, hasn't been very gracious, nor sharing at times., given her health I do wish her well, and have kept her in my thoughts.

Oh boy!!! But my sister......I can't believe the venom she continues to spew about my SIL, on emails. Evan last week, when we talked on the phone about my brother,my sister kept saying things such as, "Well I feel badly for our brother, but SIL, is shitty." Blah, blah, blah!

There's even some suspicion on my sister's behalf that SIL, had either a gastric bypass, or a Lapband procedure done. She recently as a year ago, was quite over weight. My sister says, that she's had some dramatic weight loss, more than 75 lbs. Of course, since my sister doesn't like her......my sister makes remarks all to the tune of, she had this surgery done, this the reason she lost the weight, not that SIL, did it by changing her eating habits, or exercise. Now, this was all speculation up until last week. My sister even told one day, "?Oh, I think I'm going to ask our brother whether SIL, had this surgery."
I thought, "WOW, you're going to ask him that?" I did mention to her, that I don't know I would ask something like that, as my brother is very private.
Well do you all know that the next time she called me......she'd already asked him. Yikes!!! I know my brother told her his wife had some procedure done,
but he probably is very stressed right now, and wasn't worrying about the privacy of it all. IDK!

But here's the worst part. O.K., as I've said, my SIL hasn't been the best for many reasons. I've always managed to keep my distance from her,
In any case, I do wish her well. Why? She's married to my brother, and is the mother of his two daughters. But not my sister.....she keeps saying in emails, I feel sorry for our brother, but not for her. How venomous she is! She can be really evil!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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OMG you asked the exact question except I am not family. I don't know what to do cuz this man is so sick and needs med care but refuses cuz he thinks his family is looking for away to get rid of him.
which is truely not the case. I am afraid of legal issues who do I call. itsnora
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Hi Itsnora, welcome to AC (Agingcare), can you please give us more information? Are you his next door neighbor? Renting a room to him? Or is he living in your household? How old is he and what strange or unusual behavior is he showing?
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Are you letting the siblings win or are you tired of the whole thing?
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Kazz, I am so honoring this friend who has stood by you and come with you to witness and extricate you from your Mom's h*ll hole situation. To have a friend like that means that you have qualities you don't know about you are so self-effacing. A few days ago I wanted to tell you to go to a Womans' Shelter or Womans' Support Group. With a friend like that, you don't need to take that time or energy. You aren't just lucky -- you earned that friendship. I would love to know how you built such a trusting friendship in spite of all the turmoils in your life. But not til you are through this terrible time. You are doing just fine and the best. Forget Right Stuff (which is super-real flash). You are the right stuff.
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glad, the conservator is out of line. I am a Guardian in NY. It was the Judge who conveyed Guardianship and only the Judge can take those powers away. Any placement is approved by the Judge. You have a conservator who is attempting to bypass the judge and hijack the guardianship. I would let the judge take that person to the wood shed.
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There might be an issue of federal [fiduciary] custodianship as with vets vs county guardianship or county custodianship. I may have been told wrong, but was told VA Custodianship will always trump County. But know nothing about court costs. Just told by VA to contact them first. Same by elder attorney. Wishing I knew.
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Hi guys! hope youre all good! quick update..... i went up last night to get more stuff brother was there (like mums personal body guard!!) he stayed in the front room while i took my food etc mum had left a note " heres two wks rent and i bought enough cat food for a month so do not buy anymore" ok guys are we getting a sniff of GUILT here? this is what she does kicks me out (3 times in 5yrs) then the money and guilt starts? I left her a note "mum thankyou for buying the cat food there was no need also thanks for my rent but i dont want your money thankyou, I love you mum take care!"
Sure i need the money and it would have been alot of stress off me BUT i cant let her treat me like this then shove money at me because she feels guilty?
anyway my brother sent an email to siblings telling them HIS perspective of what happened that night and i was so angry how he twisted things around? he said in HIS opinion mum was ok to be on her own taking her meds,light housework,cooking and UNTIL he has a health professional say otherwise shes FINE alone?
disgraceful just disgraceful even if there is a slight doubt she has dementia how can he take a chance to leave her alone like that? BUT you know she will be acting up saying shes fine on her own?
as much as i want to get up there and see shes ok i cant i just cant go back to how things were there but its hard i hate my siblings because mum IS suffering and thats a disgrace.
I am seeing mums doc tom as i want him to see bruises and tell him whats really going on so he knows shes alone.

God help my brother and sister IF anything happens to her now. as much as what she did to me was wrong i cant shut off worrying about her. but i have to try?

My friend is great and said stay as long as you need to i think shes glad of a bit of company and is happy for the rent as times are hard here for everyone.

i havnt seen my cat since friday but i know hes been fed the only thing is when i went last night there was blood on his bed? my heart sank! i have tried calling him but guess hes around somewhere once i see him i grab him and take him here it will be hard for him to adjust but hes a clever cat!
If anyone has any advice on how you take a cat from one house to another i would be grateful! they say butter on the paws and keep him in a few nights?

Anyway im ok but its not easy i am so drained i nearly fainted today in town i have to force myself to eat but am still very shaky i do not want to take zanex as i know the doc may give me something i just need to eat and go for walks.

You can switch off physically but mentally its very hard i love my mum and of course im worried sick it should never have come to this once doc knows shes alone then he will have to get the carers in to help.

mums got dementia and brother is behaving crazier than her?

Hugs to all and again thanks for support!
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50sChild, a VA custodianship only trumps the financial end of things. Decisions for patient care would still fall under the county courts. Guardianship is actually in two segments, one for the person and one for the estate. As you can see, when the decision is split, conflict arises, and you end up back in court.
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50schild yes shes a good person and a great friend! her mum died from alz so she knows how tough it is. she lives alone so i think shes glad of the company! also shes legally blind and has hearing difficulties so im doing alot for her here that she cant do. Also she works and gets home late so i have no problem cooking sometimes for her i am just grateful to have her and i have another good friend who i can go to other nights so we are not in each others space! Yes shes a true friend the real stuff there when youre down! She suggested last year i come and stay with her if things get too much HA! i said no it will never come to that??

The last time mum kicked me out 2yrs ago at xmas i went to a womans refuge but they were full!! So yes 50schild i am so very lucky to have her put me up BUT its not nice been forced out of your home and ive never depended on anyone in my life like this it makes you feel so bad and so desperate. But i bought her some flowers today just to say thanks and cooked a spanish tortilla and chocolate cake so she was thrilled! I think we all know how nice it is to come home to a nice meal!
Yes 50s true friends are for life but i am a good friend too and have been there for her also in the past i mean thats what friends do! yep when youre going through crap you find out who your real friends are?
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glad - Pam has good advice, Sounds like the conservator needs some tuning in

Sharyn - I am sorry about your recurring sciatic problems. Is there any permanent solution other than the band aid of pain control? I hope your daughter allows others to see the pics. Have you any plans for another trip. Skyping can help keep you up to date - but there is nothing like holding/cuddling them.

kaz - boy - the push/pull games. I am glad that you see them and are responding accordingly. Wonderful that you have some good friends to rely on and that you can help them as well. It is great to come home to a good meal. Prayers for your cat to turn up and stay with you. I know you miss him. When we first moved up here my oldest cat - about 12 - stayed in the car for several days and would not come out even though we tempted him with treats. We made sure he had food and water anyway. Eventually he did emerge. Like you, I suspect your mum will have another episode due to not taking her meds and/or not eating properly. You are doing the right thing by informing everyone. Your bro who thinks she is alright hasn't got a clue. He will find out. (((((hugs))) and look after you.

Pam - your expertise is very valuable here.

Need a little wisdom here. I got another card in the mail for mother from a cousin. I have not shared anything with extended family about her situation. I think I need to let them know, at the very least, that she is no longer at her old address, and that I will send them the new one once she moves. At first she did not want anyone to know about what was happening. She does have stamps and stationary, and has always been a great letter writer, but when I brought all her forwarded mail to her, in June, she just looked at it and gave it back to me. I doubt she is corresponding with any of them. My dilemma more is how much, if anything, to share about her medical condition. Perhaps just a general statement that she is in hospital having some meds adjusted, or is in transition, and will be moving to a new place where she will have more care. Part of my dilemma is that, initially, I did not share anything with my sister, and she may well find out from family that I have shared with them and cause a fuss. I did not share with sis, as mother did not want it. Of course, sis knows now and is in touch with the SW. I will be going south in a couple of weeks so G and I can get mother's winter coat and I plan on seeing mother then. I guess I can check with her then how she wants this handled. My feeling is that it is a good thing for extended family to have an idea that she is declining, She has kept up in touch with many of them over the years, and is the "matriarch" of the Canadian branch of the family. A few years ago, she offended the one local cousin so he has no information.

Just getting over a slight bug - sinuses etc. Feeing relieved that it isn't allergies due to the furnace kicking in.

Take care all.
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Yup, Pam and Emjo, conservator has no clue! My attorney finds this whole thing with C unbelievable. She has worked with her before on other cases where she was good. Not this time, I wonder if the woman is developing dementia, something really bizarre is going on and hopefully at hearing will finally learn some things. And another thing about C is that she was appointed by the court in January and was to take control of all assets. Yet, she has not done that. In December she told me she would get me a prepaid debit card for Mom's expenses. Wonderful! I have been trying to get Twisted Sister #2 to do just that for two and a half years. But no, I still have Mom's credit card which I have to have her sign. She is legally incompetent and should not be signing anything! And TS# 2 still has control of Mom's checking account and all other assets at the bank. Interesting but I think the reason may be because she had Mom sign to have her added as coowner to her accounts two years ago. At the same time she took Mom to her investment broker to be added there as well. So, I imagine that if TS#2 is coowner, then it is not Mom's asset for conservator to control? Just guessing. If that is what she did I think they call that "undue influence". Mom could have been taken to the bank every day by a different daughter to sign over her accounts and she would have done it. Hope we do not need to get a forensic psychiatrist involved.

I am hoping that the judge takes the conservatorship away from this woman! I really do not think she has a clue. Thanks. Who the heck does she think she is trying to get me to sign an agreement that would give her the decision to place Mom?! I am sure that was sibs idea! They just want mom in a facility, that is obvious. Then their guilt can be relieved since they do nothing to help. You know when I first filed the petition with the court neither sis had seen mom for more than three months? Then all interest in Mom's welfare became evident and then did her daughterly duty of taking Mom to church on Sunday. But TS#1 is a different story, rarely see her at all, and she says she is the compassionate counselor. Maybe as long as her clients are not family.
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Emjo, would your Mom like to hear from these people? What you may want to do, in a way to not make your Mom angry, is put together a letter to this people telling them that Mom is in the process of changing residence and leave it at that. Tell them that mom enjoys hearing from them and that you will take any letters or cards to her. I know my Mom would love that. She has a big basket of greeting cards that she has received over the years and enjoys pulling a few out at a time to read. And she will sit for an hour or more looking at the same few cards, each time they are new.
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Glad and Joan~I like Glads idea because that is exactly what my mother does too. She really does enjoy looking at the cards over and over again. unfortunately, all the people who were keeping in touch my mom, stopped when she went into memory care.It gives me an idea though, I can send cards to my mom as well as visit...I think that will be a nice thing for her to get mail. Thanks Glad!!!
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