The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Mother broke a molar. Poor thing she's been having this for over a week now.
So my sister took her to a dentist who is designated by mom's health plan.
That dentist told my sister mom needed a root canal. My sister wasn't going for this, as root canal's are rather brutal, and didn't want to put a 92 yr. old through this.

So then my sister took mom to her own dentist for a second opinion.
Her dentist told her mom just needed to get the molar extracted.
Well, my sister is totally getting the run around w/mom's insurance's dentist.
Of course, we know that apparently, the root canal was going to cost something like $1200.00's. compared to an extraction which is less, don't recall how much, but less.

So my sister's dentist was arranging to have the insurance's dentist, send an authorization, since they were to schedule mom yesterday w/an oral surgeon. My sister made all kinds of phone calls so that all necessary paper work was transmitted to the proper office's and there'd be no glitches once mom was to show up yesterday for the extraction, w/one of the paid caregivers.
Yesterday, mom showed up for the appt.. Then the caregiver called my sister at her job. Apparently........that first dental office-the one that wanted to give mom the root canal, sent erroneous info., w/the wrong insurance plan to the oral surgeon.
So now they have mom there, but they can't do the surgery because of this paper glitch.

Oh boy!!! Was my sister ever p****d off w/that root canal dental office.
She called them, and really let one of the people in their office have it, and I don't blame her. The person she spoke to, even went as far as telling my sister,
"Well, your mother should really be getting a root canal." My sister replied something about......"Sure, you guys want a root canal done because it costs $1200.00. She also told this person, she'd had a second opinion, and that we the family made our decision, that we didn't want to put our mom through a root canal.
So mom still has the broken molar, and they're waiting for this rip off dental office
to send the authorization to the oral surgeon.

It's awful, how many hoops we have to jump through with these insurances,
not to mention how cunning they've become trying to get people to do something that is not in their best interest! Dentist's are so expensive too!!!
Poor mom, I feel bad that she may have to wait until next week, but I hope not!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, it's an utter disgrace that professionals can dilly around like that while their elderly patient suffers. Shocking. How long has she been this dentist's patient? Our animals get better treatment than that from our vets. Hope it gets done soon and they make her comfortable.

Feel despondent today.Taking care of mom. Her drug addicted son has been living with her all his life (he is 59 yrs old now and started abusing since 12 yrs old). She will not put him out on the street. I came to help her (in separate apartment in same family home). Even though he has apartment (also in same family home) and gets food all for free he of course still asks for money. Mom has own apartment in same family home but her son is constantly with her. He does help with some of her personal care i.e. putting socks/shoes on and foot massage. She is still OK with most activities of daily living. I am managing home maintenance and repair and all finances for mom as well as her medication refills, doctor visits etc.. She is still mentally OK. This month things came to a head because we lost some income due to tenant leaving. She had been dealing with her son and I had very little to do with him. Although when he had a psychotic episode (due to rabid withdrawl from benzos and almost died) the end of last year I was the one who helped him through psychiatric hospital stay and rehab. As soon as he got out he went back to getting high. He is on a methadone program and abuses street drugs (benzos and marijuana). I decided that I would have as little to do with him as possible after he went right back to drug abuse. I told him if he gets back to rehab I support him otherwise I do not want anything to do with him. This month we lost income as tenant is leaving. Mom was giving him money from funds I was giving to her for small things she may need day to day (she would send him for milk etc). I do the heavy grocery shopping and stock entire house with all that we need. However because money is so tight this month my mom giving him money was jeopardizing our ability to pay bills. Additionally some money I gave her was missing (no surprise). I finally took total control of the money. He gets transportation via metro card but that is it. He lost his disability benefits (his own fault) and has no money to get to his methadone program. I do not want to deal with him at all. I feel it is the last straw on top of managing mom's care, 4 family home, finances and bill pay, my own business, my own medical concerns, and the rest of my life (what is left of it). I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do about his addiction since mom will not throw him out. In taking care of mom I have also adopted the horror of dealing with a drug addicted brother. I feel I want to leave and get my place again. Right now I am not in a financially stable place to do it (I work freelance and that served me well for years especially in taking care of mom and related household stuff). I have been living on my own and supporting myself my whole life (from 17 yrs old to 60 yrs) up until 3 years ago when I moved back to family home to help her. I appeared to be a good move. I would save money on rent (I still work and do pay rent to my mom) help mom, have my own apartment. It was good the first 2 years. But now that she is growing weaker and I have to take on more for her my brother's presence is interlinked with her. I also wonder even if I left I would still have the same issues. I would still be trying to help mom with my drug addicted brother's presence. I am at my wits end. I want to help mom but want nothing to do with my drug addicted brother. Thank you all for allowing for this post. Sorry it is long and incoherent. I am upset today. Some days better than others, right?

Today was not a good day. Went to visit mom and dad in AL. Mom was having another anxiety attack. Had thrown up breakfast, claim aid did nothing for her, but she had threaten to throw vomit on the aid. I asked her what she wanted the aid to do... she said "sit with her." Dad claims he's constipated. The night before he mess everywhere, yet today he's demanding a laxative. I told him no, he's not constipated and will not get a laxative. He then curses at me for telling him no. At this point, the chaos was too much for me to handle so I pick up my purse and left. I've done the best I could to help them. It's simply has gone too far for me to help anymore.

LadyBelle,

Liked that you said to yourself. Chaos today is too much to handle. You set boundary. I need to do that too. Thanks for your post.

Lots of support from me, jen813

Normally, Jen, I'd agree that you have to take the rough with the smooth, it will all look better after a good night's sleep, etc etc etc. But actually, I can't see how it's going to be much better unless - how shall we put it - you can somehow get your mother to accept her share of responsibility that her son is approaching retirement age and is still where he was at 12 years old. Because I can't see how else you're going to get her to start seeing that if she loves him (I'm sure she does) and wants to help him (I'm sure it's her wildest dream) then she's got to let him go. She sees it as protection. You see it for what it is - enablement, obviously. Enablement, moreover, that she is no longer able to carry on unaided.

[Stage cough] I said "unaided." There's the rub. By taking care of her, you're kind of perpetuating, not her behaviour itself, but the lack of incentive to change.

I think this is too hard and too delicate for lay opinions. I assume you've been down every conceivable guidance avenue with your brother, yes? But what about addicts' family advisers or counsellors? It's complex, because in addition to the drug abuse issues you have to balance any kind of action with elder care needs. But you can't be the only family that's ever been here. There must be someone who's found the way through.

Did the tenant leave because of problems with the family, or can you reasonably expect to let the place again soon? Just wondering if this month's tight budget is going to get easier before long. Though, in any case, necessity aside, it won't hurt your mother if she stops pouring cash down your brother's throat. Or up his arm. Or wherever they put these things these days.

What does your mother want to do? Or is she so worn down and overwhelmed that she only knows that she doesn't want to throw him out?

Are you still speaking to your brother at all? I'm wondering if he'd care to state how he sees things going, and what he's got to say for himself.

But meanwhile, maybe a good night's sleep won't hurt. Big hugs to you. What a horrible position to find yourself in after so much hard work.

Kaazaa, I understand not having the money to get away for a bit. Do you have a car? I've often thought about taking a drive for a week or so, take enough things in the car to simply sleep in the car (in a safe spot, of course)... but the idea is to just get out in nature, get away from all the chaos, and allow myself some quiet time to reflect on where I'm at and what I want. In my case, I did buy a full sive SUV (seats 8!) for hauling things to and from my grandmother's house and the back seats fold down into a nice large flat surface for a bed. Anyway, my dream of taking a back-roads nature/scenic drive for a few weeks is based on wanting to get some peace so I can think clearly. Would something like that be anything of interest or potential benefit?

I'm laughing :-) and thinking - probably not! I'm probably the only person who thinks "camping in their car" would actually be really enjoyable for a week or two as a form of respite! Well... I'm thinking about you and your situation, Kaazaa, and hoping you find the next step in a positive direction soon.

Jen813, until mom wants things to change, and wants to stop supporting bro's habit, everything will remain the same... I wonder if you could find a supportive, non-judgmental, non-encroaching social worker for elderly, like I did, and just run the scenario by them and see what input they give you. If I were you, I would want to find out if they see your brother's situation as possible financial abuse or not. I'm not trying to get your brother in any "real" trouble, just wondering if you could find an option through Dept of Aging/APS that, if things get worse with mom's money or health situation, you would have someone in the system who could advise you on course of action... and you know your situation much better, perhaps "real trouble" might shake up bro enough to at least get him to stop taking mom's money for drugs and seek to get his own disability pay reinstated...? I think I need to learn much more about your situation before I offer advice. :-/ But I've found my local elder social workers to be very helpful without going gangbusters about intruding unless they are asked to do so. Bottom line - you mom is ok, not in danger, and she is allowing the situation while fully competent so, to me, there isn't grounds for APS to step in, but you could get their input about how they view what is going in. You don't even have to give them your mom or brother's real name. At least, that was my experience.

LadyBelle... wow. I can really sympathize with dad making a mess and demanding laxatives. My father has done, that, too, but thankfully it's not a common occurrence. He often feels he is constipated and I wonder if having slower bowels isn't a symptom of getting older for some since it's so commonly talked about here on AC. And in my dad's case, it could definitely just be chalked up to poor diet, too. What a scene with mom throwing up and dad cursing at you. There was someone there to assist, so if you have to walk away then you have to walk away. Deep breathing exercises, for me, help greatly in those intense moments. You can research online about how to do them and they work like magic to calm within just a minute or two. If you still want to walk out, do it. But you could soothe the feeling of being overwhelmed with the breathing exercises. I'm personally very thankful I found out about them and they work well for me.

Cm, I was going to ask about the impact of Scotland's vote for independence... but I just saw a Hug from Veronica on your page and it kind of summed it up. :-) I've been following the happenings there. Following politics are the only "adult conversations" I seem to have (all online), that and here on AC. My neighbor ladies are more interested in tv series dramas they watch each day/night/week. I have fun watching when I'm with them but tv really isn't for me. I think real life is plenty interesting enough, haha. I hope you and yours are doing well, Cm.

Margeaux, you touched on something around your mom's broken molar that I have come to be aware of. Not all doctor's see their patients as a way to milk as much money as they can, of course not. But I do find it strange how many unnecessary appointments (imo) were made for my father through the new clinic/PCP. I'm stuck between the VA, which seems to go round and round and not really do a thorough job of overseeing his health now that he is aging and has new issues - OR - the new PCP that wants him to be in the office every week for non stop scans, tests, scopes, and exams. I think I sent a clear message to the new PCP by canceling all non-essential appts. I have to gather the guts to be ready to say why I did it when I take him back in so that I can try to determine WHAT was the point of all those appointments...? Unfortunately I think trying to switch his PCP at this point isn't the best plan... sigh. I'm not medically trained so it's very hard for me to judge if doctor's are going overboard for the money... but it doesn't make much sense any other way to me. Without doubt, my grandmother was used for fraudulent Medicare reimbursements in the past. I found documents where things like a $150 shower chair was ordered for her, a wheelchair costing $500, a walker that cost $200... this is what was billed to Medicare... but similar items can be purchased for about 20% of what was billed... hard to explain, but yes, it was definitely a form of Medicare fraud perpetuated by one of her doctors before I came to live with them. Eventually, he went so overboard, Medicare started denying the claims... I felt somewhat better when I saw that he billed Medicare several thousand dollars for *something* - I don't remember - and Medicare denied it! I was quite happy about that.

Long post, I'm rambling, hopefully it *mostly* makes sense, lol. Happy Friday! Hugs to all.

Kazz, sorry you are going through all if this. I guess the saying " No good deed goes unpunished" is true. You have done a wonderful jib taking care of your mum. Let the others have her, they'll be running back to you as soon as they figure out the truth. Your mum won't be able to hide it fir long. Take care of yourself now. Pamper yourself and relax. You've dine your part.

This one takes the cake: Mom tries to use the brand new clothes washer and dryer set up in her new senior apartment complex. It looks like the kind in the laundry mat; dryer on top, washer on the bottom. I guess Mom had no experience with that set up and got them confused! She put water and detergent in the dryer and turned on the washer expecting it to dry her clothes! What a way to get to know the management!! Mom said it was quite a mess! But I was surprised she was laughing.

I then shared my dumb thing this week. Making a smoothie in the blender, I couldn't figure out why the frozen berries were making such a racket until I realized I accidentally dumped a metal thing in there while pouring out yesterday's leftovers which contained a metal spring in my special container. OOps. Luckily the stainless steel didn't get ruined and the blender was fine.

Small dumb things to lighten up today.

My heart goes out to you all dealing with very tough situations.

Juddha, that's why I only buy American when it comes to blenders, and nuts to EU tariffs. Try that stunt in a Moulinex (teaspoons were my darling girls' speciality) and you'll have a dead motor in no time. I heart my KitchenAid xxx

Hi guys! hope youre all good! Sister in paris sent email to us all saying she wants me out of mums home? as SHE spent a very relaxing 4 days with mum? mum was calm relaxed and HAPPY?? she said i was stressing mum out?? and SHE dosnt want me there?? she worried about mum? yes this is the one who spends as little time as possible with her?? fckin cheek five years ive been here getting mum diagnosed etc.... mum was spoilt I did everything we get on great UNTIL i want a break then all hell breaks lose?
anyway i am DONE. Have walked away from this i love mum but shes gone too far now as long as brother and sister believe her lies then im wasting my time.

I went to see an angel reader yesterday PHEW i feel so much better! first card that jumped out was to walk away from a situation! the situation will resolve when im gone. she said you will go back but only to resolve things with your mum! she said they WILL see what your mums like and they will be so sorry. She said i would leave Ireland in the next six months with peace! also could see a lumpsome of money coming soon! she said you have a good heart and your mum wants YOU to look after her but you have to walk away until the professionals get involved. She told me not to worry that things will work out and you will leave a happier person. She said mum will get so bad she wont know whats going on anymore and she wont suffer but your siblings will!
She said i see you starting your own business and being a success.
also she said get some counselling now as you will need it.

I felt alot more calm after seeing her gosh she was spot on about everything!

I havnt seen mum now since and as im a few doors down i can see that mum is on her own even more than when i was there? brother is staying the night BUT he goes off everyday i dont care if something happens and hes not there myself and bro will have him for negligence!

I really am done now sisters email was so hurtful and everything is my fault that mum is not crazy and that i am unstable? says mum would be better on her own?

Yep let them see now i went to the beach today as we are having an "indian summer". I felt relaxed and am now going to focus on ME my health and getting fit! My fab friend said cat could stay with us which is a huge relief so things are getting better ALSO not caring for mum has taken a huge stress off me.

Im good i feel like ive done my best and i wait! its four days now im sure brother is starting to feel the stress i went to get a few things on friday and house was a mess? dishes in sink house not hoovered? mum depends in bathroom floor? brother fired the cleaning lady so the house will be completely filthy as brother dosnt care?

tomorrow i have to contact social services as if this SIL is goes anywhere near mum they need to know that shes a robbing theiving cow and would like nothing better than for mum to die shes from thailand?? and a complete goldigger i spoke to a nurse about my concerns and she said "if mum lets this woman into her home you can do NOTHING?" i will let SS know my fears and have told family that under NO circumstances was this woman to be around mum! if they agree to let her stay then they dont give a shit about mum.

YOu see whats going on in my sisters head (me me me me ) IF sil and brother move in sister can come home and still go out with friends and party? IF im here i run out the door and sister has to look after mum 24/7 so YES shes thinking of HER and not mum. I tell you they all have an agenda and sis and brother probably want nothing more than me out of the will? nothing is for mums care?

I know and you all know whats happening here. So yes i think this is it for me i walk away and wait until im called in for a meeting as mum will decline more now.
Its a disgrace that family cant look after mum together and make her last few months years? happy and pleasant? my bro and sis are tearing this family apart but i have a gut feeling that they will be so sorry when mum gets worse.

Mum cant keep up her act forever and bro has little patience so i stay away and block it all out until the alarm bells go off!

All this drama and stress because my brother told mum I AM telling everyone shes got dementia?

IF siblings want to discuss anything with me it will be with a shrink in the room and nothing else! brother has been warned he ever lays a hand on me again I can STILL have him arrested and I WILL!

Such a mess WHY because siblings are ignorant gosh all you have to do is google dementia but its not up to me to educate them.

Im ok just angry and betrayed. I have been here for mum through it all and im going back almost 20yrs i flew home from abroad as she had a heart attack left my job until she was ok again? Just feel KICKED in the guts by mum and siblings. My friends mum had alz and she said NEVER was her mum a manipulator!

The most terrifing thing i saw in mum was i wanted to call my brother in UK and mum grabbed the phone off me when i grabbed it back she stood there and screamed so my brother came running in she told brother she was afraid of me? the most scaryist thing ive seen so even if was to go back im afraid to. Next thing ill be done for abuse?

Mums head is been filled full of crap by siblings now that i dont care about her etc....... so professionals will have to get involved now BUT from what im getting so far they can do NOTHING except wait until mum gets worse? I find this a disgrace.

I will see what social services say tomorrow but at least let them know whats happening? surely someone has to intervene?

Hugs to all and grateful for all the support! I guess im just so scared of siblings stopping me from seeing mum later on but hopefully it wont come to that?

OMG things just get worse. sis sent email to brother saying he must of had a good reason to assault me? and that shes there for HIM as he cant do this alone? I am just in shock when did i ever get help or support??

Sorry for rude words but im so done with this!

Gosh what would i do if other brother turned against me id be lost! thankgod for him and his support.

I can see now that siblings will talk to docs and destroy me BUT docs know that ive been the one here and they do take a dim view on siblings they dont even know.

I am seeing mums doc this week to show him my bruises just get it all on record!

Hard to believe this is happening but something had to give to get them to wake up.

I dont know if i can even face mum again right now i hate her for all the lies shes telling them. gosh we really have no protection with this.

I want everyone on here to pray that mum snaps with brother and abuses him? i have faith its only a matter of time things will become clearer and they will see how bad she really is.

Mums doc said when she was in NH in dec he didnt see any behaviour signs but would keep an eye on her??
why cant docs listen to us what the fck do they know?

I am hoping mums shrink gets back to me this week and can talk to my brother?

cops couldnt understand why as adults we couldnt just talk to each other about mum????????

Kazz, great to hear from you! You have been through so much. And stop referring to what happened as "walking away", you were TOLD to leave. Bro and sis will find out in due time, and it sounds as if it is already starting with the house in a mess. It won't take long.

Make sure you call Social Services tomorrow! Let them know that you were told to leave and the reasons. Then you can wash your hands of it, you have notified them, and also let them know you have no intention of going back to care for you Mum. Then they will not be able to come back on you! In fact, if you have a way to e-mail SS, then do that instead. You need to watch your back and document, document, document. Be very careful.

Kaz, I hope you have good luck getting to work and getting back on your feet. This sounds like a total mess. I am glad you are away from it. Time to take care of yourself now.

Never say walking away. It leaves a negative impact on these people and opens you up to elderly abandonment/neglect. Actions are important but 1negativity can cancel the years of positives.

Karma... One should always remember it in all our dealings.

I sure would love to be that fly on the wall when the siblings realize the reality!!!

Our mother with dementia is really breaking up the family. Our family has been very dysfunctional all our lives, but we all made ourselves think that there was nothing wrong with us. We figured we were very family oriented and swept everything else under the carpet (so to speak). With our mother's dementia, I am realizing that once she is gone, I have to break away from the people that make my life a living h*ll. (3 of them). Those include members of my close family, but I am tired of being abused and I take it because of my mother. Once she is gone, I really don't need any of the three. I just hope I can break away and live my life once again. She was very controlling, but she is my mother...

hepi22 and kazzaa, is it possible you are victims of "divide and conquer" efforts by the mother person? A controlling nature is the first warning. Then she uses the "he said she said" exaggerations to get you all to fight with each other. When she does this, she stays in control and in her house, because she has outsmarted all of you. Something to think about.

oh yes stiegman youre right also as long as shes lying about me then im the nutcase and stupid siblings wont notice her illness! my brother who supports me is very angry and so frustrated hes afraid to say anything now to either brother and sister as he knows now everything is repeated back to mum so he is tongue tied but disgusted by thier attack on me and knows how well cared for mum is and how shes manipulating the weaker siblings. Ive just seen another email and sis said that i have mums credit card? mum gives me her card to buy food as she pays for food but i give it straight back even though she will lose it again? also mum said i was opening her personal mail? i have to open her mail as its apts for hospitals and tests she will tear them up and then i dont know whats happening? i resolved this so they now send me a copy letter with my name on it. Mum cannot control her money OR mail which is very little mostly appointments i pay bills so not at all like my sister is trying to imply? when mum had her siezure she told family she wouldnt know what shed do if i wasnt there???? now im abusing her and robbing her money??

Mum may have dementia but this controlling is getting out of hand she thinks her house and our inheritance is her carrot and if you dont agree with her she will take you out of the will?? I honestly think these siblings are afraid to upset her in case they get taken out of will too? funny how all of a sudden siblings are CONCERNED for mum when ive been jumping up and down for years and they never gave a sh*t????? why NOW? because they want to show how much they care now?? as shes nearing the end of her life? its just disgusting!

sent my sister an email to pack in her job NOW and come home and look after mum 24/7 if she really cares about her?? how can any of us let brothers wife near mum when shes stolen from her in the past and is waiting for mum to die so she can get half my brothers inheritence? if sister really gave a shit she would not want this thai woman near her mother? im becoming paranoid now as to what my bro and sis are up to together? but all i can do is inform every doc and social services. I dont even know whats happening in the house she could even be in there already and all my valuables still there? i will move everything i own out by this week and show mum i mean business once my cat is gone thats when mum will realise im gone for good.
So far this YEAR mum has alienated her sister,her two brothers,her ex partner who used to come in every week as she told him to fck off last wkend? ME so WHO is next?

My friends think that when im out of the picture mum will start to abuse my brother i do hope so? but i dont know? i just want him to see her madness and manipulation she cant act forever.

Try and tell her to do this and that and she will lose it with him fingers crossed!

I am sick i cant eat im so angry thankgod im seeing my own doc on tuesday and can hopefully get some emergency counselling sorted i need to scream and feel gagged!

One minute im great for saving mums life two years ago NOW im unstable and mum is better off on her own??

I dont know how i will face siblings now when mum really declines right now i just need to shut down! be nice if you could take a pill and wake up when its all over?

i will be happier now when i get cat out and all my things mum needs to know that i mean business now then brother will see her true colours.

So hurtful and hard to believe that everything ive said to siblings about mum has been taken and thrown in my face and used against me?

I cant sleep and wake up sweating with rage i think the anger is starting to hit me i mean how dare they treat me like this. the nurse said stay away and let your mother see just how much she misses you? she said not to worry she will call once a week and she is seeing the dementia in her let them take over now and see how much work she is.

I want to go on TV and really have this illness talked about its too under the carpet for my liking i mean its not enough to see your mum decline but have siblings try and push you into a breakdown!

Sister wants proof in writing that mum has dementia? how do you respond to this? the geriatrician said her brain was deteriorating does she think im lying? i will get hold of him and ask him what i can do to get this in writing?

Sis has been ringing all docs and they refuse to talk to her as im next of kin and the main caregiver! but i need someone professional to have a talk with at least my brother.
It can only get better alot of sh*t ahead but finally resolved! An apology by siblings after is too little to late im divorcing them as of now. It should never have got to violence its disgusting and mum loving every minute of it?

You are absolutely right Kaazza, she keeps the spotlight away from herself. She keeps the feud on a high boil. The carrot on a stick is another classic where she sucks them in with big promises, but then Medicaid ends up with all of it when she needs a Nursing home. So you stay away, that keeps you in the background and the spotlight will shift to her. Don't even go for your things, send someone else, someone you trust. Keep her front and center.

yes pam my friend is coming in with me hate to drag people into my crap but she totally understands! i could get cops but ive no key and brother said give him an hours notice before i turn up????? what an a**hole?

Your brother will be a good thing, hopefully he can keep her in another room while you get your things. I really think having the cops there would be another level of protection. Get in and get out quickly. Don't look around, don't comment, just grab your stuff and go .

Like I said.... Karma affects ALL our actions. What goes around comes around, just as you treat others, so it shall be done to you. Etc.....

Kazza~Before my mother started showing symptoms of Alz and even after, I am the one my mother called for help. She called me because we live in the same city and I am like a 5 minute drive from her house. My mother was diagnosed by her PCP with dementia in Dec of 2009. Somewhere around 2007-08 my mother had her trust/will updated and issued a copy of her DPOA to me and my sis. Prior to this, my sis took no interest in our mother's health or well being. With the DPOA now issued to us and sis being named as primary....(the DPOA was a springing type so not effective until mom was diagnosed incapacitated), sis suddenly pulled rank on me and booted me out of the way insisting that SHE would see to our mother's health issues from here on out. Sis lives 45 minutes drive from here...Haha....as a short time of about 3-4 months, sis was done being the special daughter she thought she was and could not handle running down here for every appt our mom made and every run to the ER. Plus she was losing time off work which I wasn't because my work schedule is not traditional. The point is that sis took things so seriously with her being named as primary, she and mom never got along well...sis saw this as an opportunity to get on mom's good side. It did not work out because sis got too a head about her appointment as primary that she started to boss mom around (before Alz).
While sis is still primary, I take care of the majority of the medical except when sis gets a wild hair...you know where, LOL!!!...I just back off and let her have at it because I know it is temporary.

Pam said something that so applies to my mother's mentality re: divide and conquer. That was my mother...she would do everything possible to divide us sibs up against each other telling lies about the other exaggerating everything out of context.

Eventually your brother will see that your mother has issues beyond his control, whether he ever admits it is dementia, is another story. He may very well still find a way to put the blame on you. I strongly suggest that you get your belongings and your cat and just move on. As long as your bad bro and sis are allies, you will always be their target. Very hurtful for you and even if one or both of them suddenly come to support you....how trustworthy would it really be?? I think they will turn on you again and again because they really want your mother in their pocket for their gain.

Yes get some counseling so you can get on the road to healing from this...we will always support you, we understand what you have done for your mother.

Sharyn, you made some excellent points. Eventually the siblings will see and understand what is happening to Kazz's mum. The same sort of thing happened and is still occurring here. My siblings did not believe the extent of Mom's Alzheimer's, and L just thought that Mom was trying to be cute or funny. Those with the disease are experts at covering up the problems early on. It is only with increased participation and caring that sibs will understand. To this day, my sibs still have trouble coming to grips with what is happening to Mom. The only thing that really surprised me is that I was never served with an eviction notice to leave my Mom's home. But then sissies would lose the free care that I was providing and that would effect their inheritance, now wouldn't it? And they are not the smartest knives in the drawer; they have actually said this to others!

When I arrived here to care for Mom three years ago not only were sisters in denial, but L was as well. And TS's never went to doc with Mom nor did they visit regularly. Doc did not even make the diagnosis until I insisted on a CT and MRI to try to see what may be causing Mom's forgetfulness. Imagine my surprise when, just a few months ago, that the doc told me Mom had been diagnosed with dementia five or six years previous. And neither Mom nor L had said anything about it to her daughters.

This sort of denial is common with dementia. Docs do not want to cause stress to their patients so are very hesitant with a dementia diagnosis, so many other things can cause forgetfulness. And with Alzheimer's there is not a test for it. Only upon death, if there is an autopsy of the brain will they actually know for sure.

sharynmarie i had no idea you had both parents with this illness i tried to send you a hug and read your profile. gosh how tough to go through this twice with both parents just dosnt see fair? you must be made of concrete!!! i am a very strong person but even my mum has reduced me to nothing at times!

hope those babies are behaving!! and hope they are not being too spoilt by grandparents!!

Kazza~ My dad was very docile when he had Alz. The hard part was seeing him decline from a very active man who spent so much time on his rose gardens and the yard in general to a man who became more and more frail as time went by. He was such a character too, I miss hearing him call us or the grandkids hooligans. My daughter tells a story about my parents taking her and my son for a day trip. My kids were fighting on the way home (in the car). My dad yells, "If you 2 don't knock it off right now, I am going to pull this car over and tie you to a light pole!" LOL!! Yeah, I miss my dad.

Kaz beware of bro and sis suddenly starting to be nice to you again in just a few weeks. They will be trying to lure you back - keep going girl. Hugs

It is interesting how in families there is always the component of denial especially when it comes to a mental disease. It could come from the siblings, or the parent's themselves. Add to that is there is no harmony in the family to begin with.....this just will undoubtedly be accentuated when people need to pull together.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux