Follow
Share
Read More
My brother and I have both fors of the POA and so far it's worked well. Pineapply you have so much knowledge about this stuff...scary stuff about what APS can do...
(0)
Report

Happy Mothers Day to all
sharyn I aked about you on another thread, It all seems to get more complicated for you by the minute. They are their own worst enemies, but blame everyone else. It is so frustrating and draining. My mother has now decided she has to move - to another city to be near a "friend" who is barely an acquaintance. I will not help her do this, as I believe she is as well off as she can be where she is. It is the old geographical change routine. She will not be happy anywhere for long, and moving takes up resources. I have had to change doctors, as my gut infection is not improving any more, and if it flares up again that is serious. I felt my old doctor was humoring me. I see already my new one has made a mistake on the requistion for tests, so I will have to go back to him today and get that corrected. We don't have great choices here, but at least he is ordering tests. What a balancing act we all are going through
pineapple that sounds like a nightmare.
vhope sounds like you are stepping back and taking a breath. We all need to hugs to all
Joan
(1)
Report

Vhope00 and Pineapple, we do have a DPOA...but we can not use it without a diagnoses from a neurologist and the DPOA only gives of financial control. We spoke with an attorney last week. He told us that we cannot force her to do anything physically against her will without a conservatorship because it violates her civil rights. This is why we can't force her to see an neurologist, place her in a NH or have home healthcare. I truly believe that APS will agree she should be seen by a neurologist. It is not the way that we want to pursue the situation but we have very well have to. Mom's cognitive awareness today is very decline. It was late when the hospital gave her the sedative so it may be still in her system, or it could be from the trauma yesterday that the Alzheimer's has progressed to the next level. If she does not perk up by tomorrow, we will know she has progressed which means we are going to have to act quickly to get home healthcare to come in to assist her for 4 hours a day. My sis and I could actually discuss her situation with her sitting at the kitchen table with us, she could not follow our conversation, very big decline and very scary!! If she continues to be the way she is now, we will probably be able to make an appt. with a neuologist and she won't understand. She is not taking any medication that would cause her decline, only an antibiotic. It broke my heart to see her like this today. She reminded so much of my dad when he had Alzheimer's and he would sit with us while we all were in a conversation. He would pick up the newspaper, an advertisement, anything he could get his hands on and read it out loud because he couldn't follow the conversation going on around him. My mother has a living trust, no one can take her house. Her attorney saw to that when he wrote up the living trust. My mom does have long term health insurance that will pay for a NH, when that runs out, her other financial matters come into play. Thank you for that information it is very helpful to know. I have a feeling that we may be able to get her in to a neurologist since her situation is showing a marked decline. Love and hugs to all!! Please take time this Mother's Day weekend for some much needed down time for yourselves♥/
(0)
Report

Joan~ I did not know you were having health issues regarding yourself. I am happy your new dr. is running tests and I will keep you in my thoughts for answers and results. I know what you mean about people with personality disorders being their own worst enemies. It is a shame that they make life so difficult for themselves and everyone around them. You have such a great attitude and have distanced yourself enough so that you don't get caught up in the drama they unnecessarily create. Take care and I hope you get some satisfaction with the new dr.♥!
(1)
Report

whope- my sibs forced me to learn a lot more than I wanted to know. :) also the MSW stands for Master of Social Work so got the basics anyway. Good luck!
(0)
Report

Anyone who is interested in learning more about geriatric care managers, you can look it up on this site. There are several good articles about what they do and finding one near you.
(1)
Report

thanks sharyn - my health issues "exploded" when I first moved mother into an ALF. I do believe that there is a connection, I developed systemic (invasive)candidiasis which has a 45% mortality rate. Fortunately, it didn't get worse than it was, but I am having a heck of a time getting rid of it. This is not helped by doctors who know very little about it. I have virtually a lifetime of antibiotic use behind me which is one major causative factor (due to allergies followed by infections), but have found another way of dealing with these, as well as avoiding the allergy triggers as much as possible. For peace of mind and stress reduction (stress is another major causative factor), I have to cut off contact with mother periodically, as, even though I have a degree of detachment, her antics still cause me some stress - all the childhood buttons I guess. Hence, I caution others to look after their health. There are consequences to dealing with family members with personality disorders, to being a child of a narcissistic parent. and you have to develop somewhat unusual means of protecting yourself. I have been pretty healthy all my life and was more able to tolerate the stress up to my 60s, but have found in my 70s it has more of a physical impact on me. Most caregivers here are younger than me - 40s to 60s. Parents are living longer, so more will find themselves being caregivers when they themselves are seniors. This brings additional complications. Any prayers, positive thoughts are most appreciated.
Pineapple, what a blessing in your situation that you have this knowledge. Have you decided on a course of action? Sibs can be the biggest problem, Mine is probably worse than my mother, and would take me to court in a minute if she thought she could get anything out of it. I found out recently from her estranged son, who she has disinherited, that she has been obsessed for years with her potential inheritance from mother, and hoping to get it all. I was written out fo mother's will at one point, but she (mother) has reversed that. Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
(2)
Report

Happy Mother's Day to everyone. Health issues do seem to explode along with the stress. Pineapple, yes I noticed the MSW--I'm an MFT and yet these family issues hit hard regardless don't they? Family members can certainly be a awful teacher in life. sharyn I hope you are able to get your mother in to see the neuro right away. I had a similar situation with my dad while he was dying from cancer--we had to scramble to get control over his finances and health decisions. Sending out hugs to all of you.
(2)
Report

Sharynmarie, how are you doing? I read your post about the trip you took to the emergency with your mom. This must have been really stressful for you. When I read the part about you struggling with her, then having the moment of feeling bad for her the next day, made me think of this double edged sword many caregivers go through when they are having to jump through the legal hoops, not to mention the everyday challenges. Crying is good too. It's a total release of tension, hopefully it has helped you to sleep also.
O.K., Sharynmarie, your on it w/the legal matters, it will be resolved because you are giving it the proper energy. Meanwhile, I will be thinking about you and your mom. You are a wonderful daughter to her! Love and tons of light! Margeaux
(1)
Report

Margeaux~Thank you for your support. Yes, it was a stressful night. When I get emotionally stress, then my stomach (acid reflux) flares up. Things are calming down now. Mom is more lucid than she was on Thursday which is good. We have told her the dr. doesn't want her driving right now and she is cooperating but her suspicious radar antenna is up. She is asking whether the dr. is trying to take away her license. My sis was a real trooper through all this since she handled most of it this time. Usually I deal with most of it myself. We are a good team where she is the good cop and I am the bad cop. I am the one who will get tough with the drs. Sis's low blood pressure (94/68) causes her to become lightheaded, weak and fatigued easily. Today is my day to care for mom, I will be taking her out to the grocery store soon. Love and hugs to you!
(0)
Report

bilmo I am so sorry -try to not get so upset just ignor those people-maybe you have someone who can be there with you to support you-I hope so. Tell us more and maybe we can help you cope.
(0)
Report

Hi bill - welcome to the thread. I like your honesty. :) I can identify. We have mother's 100th b'day celebrations on May 20th, and I feel my stress levels rising, and my one sib is a major reason for that. The meeting you are going to sounds much worse than a family reunion/birthday celebration. The time comes when our reactions to our situations need to come to the fore, and we need to deal with our emotions, for our own sakes. It sounds to me like you are there. My big event starts Saturday too, so what can we do to help ourselves get through this next week. Let's leave the fall-out from next weekend for later. One day at a time. Venting is good. It helps. Being with people who prop me up helps me, not necessarily talking about the "stuff", but just being with friends, and having some distractions,. When I have felt as bad as you sound, I have gone for counselling. Exercising (walking for me) helps to wear off some of that negative energy. The stress can affect your physical health too. Are they worth it?
Hope you come back and tell us more about you and your situation. Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs in this world, and there are lots here with much experience.
(((((((hugs)))))
Joan
(2)
Report

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful ladies! The job you do as caregiver is the hardest job of all and all of you are loving, caring daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. I hope that everyone gets time on this day to spend for yourselves. Love and hugs to everyone!!
(0)
Report

Happy Mother's Day to all!
(0)
Report

Thanks and Happy Mother's Day to all.Do something good for you today.
(0)
Report

Humor does help, and if it only helps you (which is not the case) that is fine -something to add to my list. Chinese firedrill - that gave me a laugh and I don't think anyone would perceive it as a racial slur. My own week is becoming more and more complicated as I just had a call that sig other's dad is in hospital at death's door, so as well as a family reunion, and Mother's 100th, a funeral may be thrown into the mix by next weekend. I was looking forward.to a leisurely week of preparing myself for our family's version of a Chinese firedrill. I call it May Madness. Mother will not like being upstaged, and there is only one way she can ramp up her position, but I don't think she wants to do that. ;) Do tell us details. It will be a good distraction.for me. :)
(0)
Report

Not callous at all. He has had excellent innings (cricket reference, I know - my Uncle Bert took me to a cricket game when I was over there). My mother seems to enjoy her suffering to the fullest. Everything is a battle for her. Is your mum ready to go? I do think that readiness can factor in there to some extent - sometimes (and that is about as vague as one can get, I know). Re the May Madness, i decided that I was giving them too much power over me, Has my sister behaved atrociously? Yes, and I expect that will continue. I have no control over her, or anyone else. I am only responsible for me, I have found that I had to accept the realities of my family, and grieve the lack of support and healthy relationship, (it ain't gonna happen) , before I could move on. If you lower your expectations of them, you get hurt less. It is a bit of a pill to swallow to accept that you share genes with people who behave as they do, but once you get thankful that you aren't like them, it gets easier. Note - I didn't say easy.
(0)
Report

I am sorry, I see from reading other threads that your mum has passed. My condolences. I am with you on wanting to cut contact with my sibling once mother has gone, and the financial dust has settled. What do I expect from my sib - the worst, and nothing less. then I am prepared.
(0)
Report

Emjo you are right we have to lower our expectations it is what it is-my Mother's thing seems to be to pit us sibs against each other-I called her to wish her a happy Mother's day but it was hard but kept it short-I do not think my brothers will keep in touch if she dies before we do-you never know-we are not promised a tomarrow that is how I try to live my life-I have a great church family and that is a blessing
(1)
Report

bill - my father went 30 years ago. I figured after that I had no family, family burdens, yes, but no family. I like your sense of humour, and your "take" on things.

. (((((austin))))) Pitting one against another - oh yes! My mother and my sister use each other against me -has always been so. The eternal triangle - use one to hurt the third. Good for you for calling. I sent an ecard. You are right we are not promised a tomorrow. So glad you have a great church family. God provides.
(0)
Report

Hi Everyone,

I would like to wish everyone a very happy Mother's Day! I hope all of you, are enjoying it, by doing at least a little something you like, whether that's a bubble bath, eating a hunk of good chocolate, anything! Love and Light! Margeaux
(0)
Report

Hi Bilmo,

I want to offer my condolences for the passing of your mom. Ah yes, now we must deal with all the other members of the family! Your feelings are completely normal for a gathering as such. You humor is great! I use humor all of the time to get me throu tough situations, or at least lighten them. You are certainly not alone with respect to dysfunction, and the dreaded anxiety it can trigger. I had some of this last week, also on account of a family gathering, I attended this last weekend. I'll write about this tomorrow, though. But meanwhile, hang in there! Margeaux
(0)
Report

I know someone who wants to walk away from caregiving? Is this selfish of them to admit it is not for them?
(0)
Report

sharyn, I don't think it is. There are is many individual factors in any situation. There was a gal who posted on AC about that, and I think she has worked it out. I stll have given myself permission to recommend someone else for POA for mother, if I could find a suitable person, or let it fall to my sister who is my back up, if I don't mind the money all disappearing her way. If it is too hard on the caregiver, then I think they have to look after themselves. They are not the only resource.
bill - I am glad for you your mum was nice. You are fortunate, indeed. You will survive the sibs. For me there came a point when money is just that, and, I will not let it drag me down. Fair has nothing to do with it.
(2)
Report

Thank you Joan~ I agree. Caregiving is difficult and not for everyone. I saw the post you are referring to. This is someone I know personally, I ran into her earlier today. It was a most sad visit and broke my heart seeing her pain.
(0)
Report

How sad, sharyn. Caregiving is difficult, even under good circumstances, I think. Then if some of the difficulties that are mentioned here are included in the mix, it can be come impossible. There are other resources around. As long as the "caregivee's" needs are being met, I don't see a problem,.If you speak to your friend again, please give her my thumbs up to look after herself. To me there is no logic in terms of society (and other terms) for a younger person to ruin their health (mental or physical) caring for an older person. We all would like the perfect old age, where we sink into the coming night surrounded by loving family.. I would have liked the perfect chldhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect educational experience,. the perfect job... In many cases it is not realistic, so we do the best we can with what we have. (((((hugs))))
(1)
Report

(((((bill))))) Your statement about your mum warms my heart. Mine is special too, but in a different way ;) I have had a lifetime of a dysfunctional sib (and that not just my opinion, but from professionals that I have seen - not she, of course, because she is perfect! Hmmm, guess I have a little anger in there still - got to work on that).. I understand about being worn out from being mad. Some of the anger may be a grief reaction from losing your mum. It sounds like you lost a lot when she passed, and anger is a normal part of grieving, and grieving takes time. It is always a good time to act like a human; however, some do not have much capacity for that. You are the best judge as to whether or not your sibs have that capacity. It is only recently, despite much evidence over the years, that I have come to accept how my sib is. I hesitate to call her a sister because that implies a certain relationship that is not possible between us. I have come to the decision that family includes the circle of friends you gather around you, with whom you are mutually supportive. Anyone who does not fit the criteria, is not family in the true sense, in my mind, though I may be related to them by blood.
Picking up your life after years of caregiving is not easy. You never go back to who you were. Such an experience is life changing. You are not the same person you were, and have to, in a sense, recreate yourself. This is not necessarily a bad thing, though it is not an easy process. You may be grieving the loss of the person you were, too. Like the phoenix you are rising out of the ashes, having been reborn. "Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." - Christina Baldwin
Let the sibs fall where they may. You don't need albatrosses around your neck for the rest of your life. My view anyway. Breathe deep and have a great day - do something good for you - Joan
(3)
Report

Hi all,
Been reading your most recent posts. Bilmo and Emjo, I am with you on the ugliness of the siblings that cause us trouble and weigh us down. My rage and hatred has subsided into disappointment and the gall of it all. I have one sib who has all but disappeared from the face of the earth. He's the "out of sight, out of mind" kind. Other sib is a real trouble maker. Neither one has done a thing or lifted a finger in three years, five surgeries with Mom, housing issues, neither parent drives, incontinence, and I can't even go on. Asked both sibs for help in October 2010, both said no. Sister said can't help you if she don't have access to their money. Brother just said "No way." Soooo much dysfunction and I thought we had a pretty good childhood. Anyway, sister is bipolar but refuses to address her own mental issues. She's a disaster.

I too, am going through the Trust thing. However, (and you'll love this), my parents are both still alive!!! We need to break the trust so my mother has money to live on. They didn't plan at for their future in anyway. My Dad is in a NH and Medicaid pending. So in this process, my mother wants to give each of (three kids) a share, each one the same amount. That's fine. It was all written out by my mother's lawyer. Even though neither sib has does anything to help me OR their own parents, I'm ok with them getting a share because I just want this whole nightmare to be over with. But my sister gets her own lawyer because she thinks I've been spending my mother's money. She thinks that because before my parents moved, I found their checkbook register that showed they had been writing checks to her for years because she can't manage her own life. She's 51 and blames everyone for her life. When my parents came to live near me, that all stopped. So she's pissed I took away her gravy train. Too bad....grow up. I told her I'd tell her anything she wanted to know, but she hasn't called me or spoken to me in because that would be dealing with reality which isn't something she can do in any aspect of her life. She actually got a lawyer. And she has no money to pay a lawyer so she'll probably ask my mother for that too!! My mother is so pissed. To wrap it up, it took quite a while for the rage and hatred thing to subsided into complete dissapoinment. It never goes away but it does subside.

Luv to all,

-SS
(0)
Report

Sharynmarie, I remember that thread Emjo is talking about. I posted about our narcissistic aunt. She's the one who was living w/mom and my sister til Jan. when she died. She gave my sister and all of us so much grief, that at least I can say she should have been placed in a NH. In hindsight, I think my sister would have tackled that situation very differently, and would have washed her hands of that responsibility with our aunt. I do not think it is selfish at all. What we must remember also, is that some caregivers are really dealing with immobile elderly,
and who knows what else. Some have jobs, and others are also in their own third age, possibly w/own health concerns. So it's normal for people to get burn out. Each and every situation, is so unique. Maybe your friend has neither physical, nor moral support. Margeux
(0)
Report

Hi Bilmo,

How are you feeling today? About 3 yrs. ago, my brother who was at time POA for mother, and her sis, called a meeting. He called my sis, youngest bro, and moi, the eldest in the family. He is 3'd in line, raised "Golden Boy," by my parents and even my aunt because of the gender bias. Golden Boy, was never up front w/us about any of the legalities-parent's assets, etc. He had his hand totally in the pie. This meeting he called was in essence to TRY to get the rest of sibs to sign a Quit Claim Deed for a Joint Tenancy our names appear on my dad left to all of us, including mom. I used to work as a legal secretary, so first of all, the doc he showed us, looked like a total copy, and it could not have been authentic at all. My brother in those days also was so rogue as to how he did anything, especially if it had to do w/moms assets. He gave us some dodgy explanation that they wanted to put this property in a trust. Anyway, I sure did not sign this doc. Later, I tried to talk to other two sibs about it, but my sister decided to be in hurt mode, saying things like, "I can't believe that our bro would do this." Blah, di blah! My youngest bro, didn't seem very bothered by Golden Boy's attempt at doing this. Well, none of us signed it. Later, somewhat later Golden Boy's POA was revoked, and now these two sibs, are in charge; sis being at the helm of it all.
This happened upon our mom being diagnosed w/ALZ.
That was plenty, for my head already. But I remember, having feelings of rage w/this brother. Way before this, he never inspired much confidence in me anyway, but this was it. Even my attempt to at least have a conversation w/other sibs, fell on deaf ears, DENIAL!
Here I felt that he was ready to have us possibly sign away our rights, for something our dad left us.

Anyway, I really feel that in these situations one is entitled to feel some kind of anger and rage. I felt toward this brother, also at my other sib's reaction. Just as a protection for yourself, try to maybe find an outlet for some of this, such as walking. But really, even coming here and writing about this does a lot, I know it has for me. BTW, Golden Boy has never to date recognized any of what he did via an apology. All right Bilmo, hang in there! Margeaux
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter