The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yes being passive aggressive wont help...but it feels good yo say it.

oh my - so much has happened.

don't think I can catch up with everyone but will make a few remarks

Welcome to the new posters. We understand unhelpful sibs, narcissistic parents, the need to develop boundaries, and detach from the nastiness, the need to look after ourselves. Come and vent any time.

glad - so sorry about what your mum had to go through. Gary's dad had the same due to old scars. He got through it but they (not dad but family) were told likely he will have another obstruction and he will not survive it. He is a frail 90 yr old. Is she still having the big D?

Alison - it is good that things are relatively quiet and also that you will look for some places for your dad yourself. Hope you have a good time on your date. At least it gets you out of the house. I went through quite a few before met G.

Margeaux - glad to see you back and thanks about Toonie. I am giving away the food and litter to my kids with pets. Then there will be few traces of him left. Still sweeping up cat hair though. He was a sweetheart. Hope you had a good trip with you hubby.

Sharyn - what a rotten deal. Agreed - stop being the dependable one. They only use you more. I have seen it at work time and again. Not only do you have your mum to do things for, but your sis is not well either and you may have to take on more there in terms of looking after your mum's stuff. Keeping your niece in prayer. Hope the house sale goes well. I know it is bringing up a pile of feelings and memories.

Everyone else - hope things are reasonably good for you. Veronica are the paper piles diminishing? Austin we got more snow too!!! Book I see you are trucking on, cm, assandache, norest, wondering what happened to taheil. Can't remember everyone who has posted, but not leaving anyone out intentionally.

My head felt like it was full of cotton wool last week and I was terribly cold all the time, then I found that I had an infection, which is being treated and I feel much better, Thank goodness I found out now and got it in hand, as we are leaving on our trip at the end of the week. Doing floors yesterday and today, laundry, bathrooms. A young guy we know, and his dog (a doodle - a golden retriever-poodle mix) is renting a room for a few months so there will be someone in the house when we are away. Time to start with the tan towels I have fair skin and burn, but want a little colour. Need to find a packable sun hat.
Cut my hair short - will be easier travelling.

Have to ask my son to be emergency contact while I am away. Everything quiet at mother's end thankfully. Long may it last. I still "startle" when the phone rings and for other noises, butt hat will subside.

Someone somewhere on this site mentioned life long PTSD. Yeah, I think so, unfortunately.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))) and do something good for you today.

Thanks emjo! Glad you are feeling better.... worried about you the stomach bug and now an infection...... take care of yourself!

Sharymarie,

That sure is a terrible truth to find out about the job! How unfair some companies are. Instead of valuing a reliable committed employee, they just use us to their advantage. My golden boy brother is in a terrible job situation like this. It's interesting, because I recently found out through my sister that he seems to be intimidated by the employers. They call in employees and use some kind of scare tactics. Then my brother apparently told my sister that he often feels like he ends up doing everyone else's work, or picks up the slack. Now the managers there take advantage, and it's causing him problems. He's also one of the more senior employees there, and there's no union to boot. I found this quite interesting since he used bully tactics on we siblings during his reign as the POA for mom and the battle ax.

Well, I hope and it does sound as if you are looking into your rights, and using the union to your advantage. There's got to be a way that it would swing your way. O.K., you're in my thoughts!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

Just go out and have a good time with this guy. I think if you look at it like this,
there couldn't be any kind of getting swept up into his life.

Have fun!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo-
Happy you are back, I've missed you!
Well, I wasn't sure at all if mom was even having bm since discharge, have not heard the explosions 3 or 4 times a day. Absolutely astounding! Took her to doc today and he assured me she is, it is just that you can't hear it from a block away like we had. In fact I was so concerned about it I took her off the gluten free diet to make sure thing were returning to her normal. Her doc had added a probiotic which he thinks may be making the difference. Such a relief, though the D is not gone completely, finally heard the evidence tonight, but first time in nearly three weeks. Have stuck with the lactose free, including no butter, so that may also be helping.

Margeaux~Employers today are not loyal. They expect us to be loyal but they will send you on your way if they decide they want someone else. This 19 year old girl, her father is the manager in the meat dept at one of the Tracy stores...thankfully not the one I was transferred to. I have caught her twice now, telling the deli manager something I said that was not negative but she repeated what I said making me look bad and it really was not her business. I remarked that the bakery manager did not leave me break out instructions...when I left the department, she told the deli manager what I said. When I returned, the deli manager told me she saw the bakery manager write up the break out instructions. I responded that I have not found the instructions but I did go out on the floor to see what would be needed for tomorrow and I can figure it out. It is little things like this that the managers love...getting this kind of feedback of what others are saying that may make them look bad. I know I need to watch how I say things because of the dept snitches who will take what you say out of context making you look bad.

Joan~I am sorry you have been ill. I hope your trip is relaxing and enjoyable...getting away, don't think about your mother or sister.

The union rep called me at Work!! He was confrontational and combative with me. It put me in a bad position because I had others around me who could hear my end of the conversation. Makes me think he did it this way on purpose...maybe my paranoia coming into play. I had to tell him the situation 3 times, he was not hearing me...not concerned about my mother's situation or that she is terminal. He said all he can do is "ask" the store manager to keep me there. Weak union.

The store I am working is very slow, I had 5 customers from 12-9. The people are great...but I am so angry I am having some attitude issues that I have to keep in check. While it would give me great satisfaction to show up at this store with a custom made button saying, "Don't Count On Me, I am Not Reliable" I was advised not to do it, LOL!!! Joan, I agree with you, I will not make myself available by coming in early or coming in on my days off even though I need the extra hours.

I am 56 years old, starting over somewhere else would mean accepting $8.00 an hour with no benefits. I have been there and done that, I just have to suck this up and move forward. Bitter yes, not happy that my employer can manipulate my personal life, but I guess I have to happy I a job.

Joan, you are right, with my sisters health issues and my mom's issues, my responsibilities will only increase. Sis is still not talking to me, has not let me know how the estate sale went in terms of the $$ we made for mom. I will have to email her insisting on that info.

Emjo have a brilliant time on holiday and "wear sunscreen"! Would add more but other half, ex other half, not sure what to call him has picked right now to start sanding doors with an electric sander and I can't hear myself think. Peace and calm to all xxx

CM All I can say is he is doing something rather than buggering off and leaving you to sell the house. Little rays of sunshine

I would love to have a DAY just to go out take pics and reconnect with myself. A bad day for me today...too many losses, time to put on my big girl panties and create a wedgie, LOL!!

My parents were married March 25, 1949.

Hi Emjo,

Yes, I did have a nice time on a work/mini getaway trip, I just wish it could have been longer....the R&R part. HAAH!

O.K., I'm so happy to hear that your mom is quiet right now.
Don't forget that sunscreen and have a lovely vacation. You more than deserve it!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Try to squeeze in the time to take those pictures.
It's something you really enjoy, and you take great photos, would be very good for you right now. Redirect some of the energy, my dear.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So its been almost 4 months since grandma passed away. Neither my mom or my aunt had heard from any of their siblings since Janurary. Tomorrow they're meeting with my aunt and her husband and my uncle and his wife. I kind of feel like there is no point in the meeting because neither my aunt and her family or my uncle and his family ever really cared to make the effort into seeing or spending time with my grandmother so I really do not comprehend why they feeel as though it is necessary to have a say in what goes on to my grandmother's headstone. We were going to keep it simple, it would say her name, that she was a Dear Wife, Devoted Mother and Loving Granmother with her birth and death date and then something like "Always in our Memories", I don't get the big deal especially when both aunt and uncle's spouses feel that my other aunt should be the one footing the bill for everything. Both spouses blame my mom for the falling out of the family but it really has nothing to do with her. Uncle's wife always talked a lot of smack about Aunt's family and then worried that my mother would say something so when gram passed, she made sure she reached out to Aunt and family so that her smack talk wouldn't get out. For a long time, mom felt that Aunt and Uncle were talking behind mom and aunt's back, which obviously turned out to be true. Personally I think to some degree it bothers me a little that I have this much family disfunction and I know that there is no way to fix anything because of exactly how much damage is done and the loyalty I have to my mom. But I really just don't know what to do. I wish I had a voice in the matter mostly because out of everybody in the family, I had the closest relationship to her and I always felt like I had to protect her from the family because of the one comment she passed to me that I wish I could forget. I want them to know what she said, just to drive home exactly what they did to her because of their petty bs problems they kept having with my mother. My grandma did not need that type of sufferage. She always told me that she had excepted things for what they were and she was never able to understand why both my aunt and uncle married people who were so controlling. I mean don't get me wrong, Gram put her foot down when she needed to, but after a while she just stopped trying. She gave up. So I don't see a need in these 2 families complicating anything when for the past 10 plus years they pretty much chose to neglect my grandmother and aunt because they were so mad at my mother.... anyways, I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and this seemed like the perfect place to posr about it. Thanks.

Hi all -
stargazer - sorry about the family dysfunction. We all wonder why they have to behave like that. It makes no sense. It will be a relief to get the headstone n place and be done with the dramas.

A young man and his buddy are moving into the basement for a few months till they get established with a new business. He did a lot of renos on my house about 5 yeas ago. I'll get him to finish off what he left undone and also, hopefully, some other work. I am glad to have someone in the house while we are away.

sharyn - just give yourself the time you need -be easy on you. Definitely lots of losses - job security included

cm - Living with work being done in the house can drive you nuts. I had my house totally renovated while living in it. At one point I was living in the basement and the only functional bathroom was on the second floor and to get there was like running an obstacle race over equipment of one sort or another. No fun.

bought lots of sunscreen - a large floppy brimmed hat and need to pick up a few more things before I can finish packing. Still haven't quite figured out what to wear traveling from below freezing to hot temps. Better get back to it and the last minute clean ups around the house.

Take care all. I will bring my laptop, but not sure what connections I will have. The hotels should have wifi.

Do something good for you today

Bon Voyage Emjo. My suggestion your snowsuit over a bikini. Hope the TSA does not make you strip down at the gate

stargazer~just because people are family, don't expect them to not talk smack. I learned this the hard way...it is human nature. My hubby's family is notorious for talking smack. If you are considered a family member then they go easy on you. Unfortunately, family is not always loyal. I am sorry you going through this right now.

Margeaux~ I am going to request a weekend off in the next couple weeks so I can get out to take pictures. I plan on requesting more time off that I have in 6 years I have worked for this company. Next week I am scheduled for Monday and Saturday off. This weekend will be my last days at my former store.

Joan~I am excited about your holiday coming up. Use that sunscreen, an attractive hat, and sunglasses. I am sure you are looking forward to this time away.

I am taking things easy right now, I have too. It is still very painful for me and my sis. My mother's house went on the market yesterday. I have spent Tues and Thurs (today) finishing up the clean up outside. I will be off Monday and that day will be for visiting my mom as I have not been able to visit her this week. am very depressed right now with everything that has happened this last week. My parents wedding anniversary was March 25th, the house going up sale, getting transferred. All I can say is What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I will get through this with many changes in how I look and approach things. Thank you everyone for the support!!

I never thought my family was dysfunctional until recently. My sister refuses to contact our mother who was diagnosed with dementia two years ago. Before this, she communicated with my mom. My sister's husband is a controlling man who has been a devisive wedge in our family for years. He has always despised my mother for being a strong woman. I don't understand how my sister can not only refuse to contact my mother but also refuse my calls when I attempt to contact her about my mother. I am overcome by sadness because of how my sister is treating my mother and the effect it is having on our mother. I couldn't take it anymore and after attempting to contact my sister FBI phone, text, and email, finally sent her a video (which I posted on YouTube). Do you all think this is wrong? Do you think that that thus may cause her to wake up and realize how awful this is? I am an educated, professional woman but I am past how thus makes me look. I just don't want my mama to hurt. This is the video, "Joan Please Contact Your Mother"
m.youtube/watch?v=0FxMcprrX2U

Harmonyandgrace, I thought several times about posting videos on YouTube when my grandmother was still alive… when family members who had been absentee for years suddenly began spreading and subscribing to the idea that I was only helping out my grandmother for some sort of monetary gain. I hated the fallout of all that gossip… there was an investigation by APS social worker because my father and I were accused of abuse… Anyway, I wanted to just put it on video, show them that they were out of their minds with this jealous gossip… and it was hurting "us" as a family… I digress. My point, if I have one, is Good For You! Put the truth out there, don't let them conveniently ignore or think what they want to… absentee relatives are really good about that… On the one hand, they offer no help, on the other, they can certainly find fault in what you are doing. Good luck with everything!

Soooo… about the date I was to go on, that I was pretty excited about… well, no date ever happened. I came down sick on Sunday, rescheduled to Tues, still wasn't well, rescheduled to Weds, still sick… So I've had this sinus and throat sickyness this week so far, I'm not happy about it, but I'm taking extra Vitamin C and trying to just get past it. As far as the relationship with this man goes, strangely it seems to get better each time we DON'T meet, lol. He seems understanding and kind, and his reasons about being overly busy make a lot of sense… doesn't hurt that I can verify his "story" via all sorts of Internet site surfing. So, we'll see. I've gotten back on Facebook recently and reconnecting with old friends in the area. That will help to fill the gaps of feeling lonely and unsupported, I think.

I missed my dad's medical appointment today!!! I had it in my head that it was tomorrow, Friday, but realized with a shock this eve that it had actually been scheduled today. Sigh. The one we missed wasn't too major, just a blood pressure recording and check up, so I hope I can reschedule pretty easy.

I'm going to ask P.C. doc about taking my dad to Psych for evaluation. My father doesn't get out of bed. He doesn't do much besides sleep. When I ask him how he feels, he says he is fine. But it just doesn't seem right to me. So… I'm going to see about having him evaluated for depression.

Emjo, enjoy your vacation! I just found out I get to have one in Manhattan Beach (LA) sometime in next month. Ex is inviting me out for some R&R, he knows I've been through a lot, and its not a rekindling, but it will be nice to just have a vacation on a beach after this long, hard winter.

Hello "everyone," thanks for all of your encouragement and advice about the date that never was, lol. Very anticlimactic, but all in good time, I guess…

Hugs and love to you all.

Harmonyandgrace, I watched your YouTube video. I don't know you or your sister, of course, but I thought you got the message across lovingly, good job! I put a comment on the video, but if you feel its inappropriate in anyway - like not wanting sis to know you are on this site - please delete. Just wanted to give you some support.

Sharyn-- I know there is always smack talk from families. Its just funny that this woman talked so much smack, then ran to the people she talked smack about and blamed it all on my mother. My mother has always been the type to say it directly to the person and never behind their back. Apprently my family has forgotten that, I was with my grandmother in her final months, days and hours. We talked about her wishes, but because it is me, nobody wants to hear it because they all take it as I am making it up. They're all guilty of not spending enough time with my grandmother. My grandmother has great grandchildren that she had only seen in total 5 times and all with the exception of 2 are over the age of 5. She even shared a birthday with one but never actually spent a birthday together. She never even got birthday cards from any of them, yet my aunt and her husband (its their children who have the children) feel that my grandmother's stone should say Great Grandmother on it.... it is almost as if we should put Great Grandma on the headstone because of future great grandchildren (because of whenever I have children). Even people I talk to when I tell them the situation, they agree that it makes no sense for the stone to say Great Grandma when my grandmother rarely saw or spoke to her great grandchildren because my cousins kept their children away and blamed it on my mother. Meanwhile if they had bothered to know anything or ask anything, they would have known that if they ever wanted to visit with my grandmother, my mother was more than happy to step out of her own home for them to visit. My mother and I had no choice but to live in my aunt's house with her and my grandmother because my mother and I would have been homeless or living in a women's shelter. It ended up working out for all of us. I had a fulltime babysitter growing up, my aunt didn't have to take care of my grandmother alone and my mother and I had a place to live. But nobody in my family wants to acknowledge that.

They have always thought my mother and I were milking everything out of my aunt and grandmother. Did my grandmother give me more than she gave my cousins, yes. But I also spent more time with her, and she knew things going on in my life. I always had a very hard time accepting money from her when she was giving it because I was struggling to make my bills or something. I had always rather suffered then let her write me a check, in fear that my uncle's wife would find out then bully my grandmother into writing a check for my cousin who never even made an effort and was caught numerous times fighting with her parents about even visiting my grandma just for an hour.

I often try to tell myself that it's the greed and guilt that have both my aunt and her husband and my uncle and his wife playing these childish games.... they all believe that my grandmother was hiding money, but we have a paper trail proof that my grandmother's financials like bills and bank accounts, and stocks was for well over the past 10 years handled by my mother and my aunt that we live with. My grandma left nothing to my aunt and her husband and my uncle and his wife nor their children or grandchildren because they never bothered with her. They came once and a while and took her out to eat, but if they were too busy, or it didn't fit their schedule, they never showed. My cousins never picked up a phone just for a 2 minute Hello Grandma How are you? She wasn't even invited to the babyshower for one cousin. So she left them nothing, she gave my little cousins each a peice of jewlery of their choosing the one time they came to visit her at the house but that was it. Nothing else and she never got card or anything in return.

Harmonyandgrace--- My family was just the same way, my aunt and uncle's spouses rule them with an iron fist and have caused many problems in the family if you have read my long response. My mother sent picture proof to my aunt that grandma was failing and even posted the pictures on facebook in hopes my cousins would reach out to grams. I feel like maybe I should have done a video like this reaching out to my family. I really do hope things work out for you and that this video reaches your sister and reaches her heart. It has greatly touched mine and I really do hope that things change for the best for you. I hope your sister does wake up and is willing to stand up to her husband and make the effort to spend this very precious and valued time with her before it is too late and the dementia gets progressively worse. Keeping you in prayers that things work out best for you.

Stargazer will your aunt or uncle be contributing to the cost of the headstone? If not and by that money up front they have no say. There can certainly be a discussion but you make the final choice. Don't worry about hurt feelings, they are already f8888d up so just consider what grandma would have liked
I would suggest something simple like
Jane Doe
1920-2014
Beloved wife of
John Doe
1923-2000
Mother of
John Jr, Star and Mary
Finally some kind of phrase that describes her philosophy in life like
"God's helper on earth" or just "Rest in peace" You can add some symbol like praying hands.
If the budget is really small choose a small headstone and limit to her name and dates of birth and death. I don't know the cost of headstones but I understand they are not cheap especially when added to the whole cost of a funeral so don't put yourselves into debt. Grandma will understand your final decision.
Sure she provided a roof over your heads but you have more than paid your dues

Veronica91 - The stone we chose is a foot smaller than grandpa's and will say pretty much everything grandpa's said. The most affordable offer that we got was 1,940.00 for a 3 foot stone and unlimited writing. Its been determined that the bill is being footed by my aunt (the one who took financial care of my grandmother for the past 10+ years) plus there is a 295.00 fee just to errect the stone. I am still not sure what the point of their meeting is tonight. My mom is worried that my aunt is going to be bullied and shes is going to back down. She would have rather the whole thing be just the siblings, but as I mentioned before, both my aunt and uncle are married to highly controling spouses and that is why neither my aunt or uncle will be meeting with my mom and aunt alone.

I have no final choice, but I actually did offer to max out a credit card to help pay for the funeral costs. I did research though and I found out that you can prepay for your headstone and stuff so I asked that my mother and aunt do that when its their time so that I do not have to deal with out of the woodwork relatives and unneccsary decisions.

Stargazer-i have seen on this site many times where relatives accuse the caregivers of gold digging. It is almost always from the relatives who don't visit. I think it is ignorance 1) they think there should lots more to inherit since you didn't place the elder and 2) they feel guilt for not visiting so they lash out at you. Not too much respect given to you as a caregiver. Prepaying is a good idea. Hugs to you as you deal with the out of the wood work relatives who want to now be acknowledged.

Sharyn- Thanks, I have seen it too and even with people I have spoken to they all mention the sibling or 2 who does nothing to take care of the aging parent, but they are usually the ones who create the biggest problems. I agree that it is usually out of guilt or because they think there is more than what really is.

My family fails to realize that anybody who grows up in a situation like mine, there is always that one person who gets more. It has nothing to do with favoritisim, it just has to do with being there. My grandmother could have just never spent a dime, wrote a will and divided it up that way... but she didn't she chose to enjoy her money and spend it on whatever her heart desired.

I feel like part of the reason my uncle's wife is making such a huge deal about money is because she was expecting to be getting a nice inhertance check and the check never came because there really is no money and whatever money there is, was left in trust to my mother and aunt... all done 10+ years ago. While she was very much still sound of mind and very much stilll aware of the world around her.

I think all along my grandmother had my aunt and uncle's spouses pinned to the real type of people they are and because of that, my aunt and uncle are getting nothing from my grandmother and because my cousins never bothered with my grandmother, they are getting nothing either.

My niece did the same thing. Accused her uncle of blowing the grandparents money because she didn't get an inheritance the grandfather told her she would inherit. By the time both grandparents passed, the money was used on the cost of home care. Relatives except you to live in poverty so they can inherit. Greed...a powerful deman.

I mean demon.

Happy Friday, Everyone!

This is second morning where I got up and spat significant amount of bright red blood into the sink. Its coming from my throat, but my throat doesn't hurt significantly… I'm just concerned because I'm so suspicious of this house, and that the mold is still here in enough quantity to make me sick. Its a bad feeling. It could be completely unrelated - my friend in the area says his son is ill with strep throat right now. So… might just be something going around. I'm gargling with hydrogen peroxide and salt water, anything other advice?

This is coming on heels of having a mild 2 week pneumonia just a few weeks ago. Gosh darn, I hate getting sick!!! The fluctuations in weather don't help - it was 55 degrees today, was 20 the other day… and the weather's been doing this all month now.

Just wanted to vent about this sickyness. Sometimes it seems I've been sick more often than I've been well in past couple of years… the "mold factor" really make me wonder about things…

Stargazer, hang in there, the vultures will fall away eventually. From your description it sounds like you see the situation clearly. And Sharyn's right - the greed demon just gets the better of some people's thinking at a time like this. I hope you're able to go on and have some sort of positive relationship with extended family after this. I know for myself, I wonder if I'll ever get over some things said and done by cousins… For right now, I don't communicate with them, but someday maybe that will change. I know my grandmother wouldn't want us to have a rift.

Alison,
Sounds like a visit to the doctor, for YOU, is in order.

You think so, glad? It's late Friday, I don't even know if my local clinic is open on weekends. I've never seen the blood like that before, though *cringe*… it didn't look good, which is why I was kvetching on here...