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Brandy, it sounds like POA is quite defensive. Stop and ask yourself why...
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I don't know how people are supposed to get through this process of mom/dad aging and then dying. We do nothing to prepare ourselves as a society. Just on this board, there's so many similar tales.
We keep doing the same broken thing over & over & over. I certainly don't want my kids going through this the hard way.

I was talking about it with my dental hygienist yesterday. Her dad just got a dementia diagnosis and she has several siblings. Everybody has to learn all this from scratch and go through the different stages with their family as if it's not been done before. That doesn't seem fair.

There ought to be a class to go to or a movie to watch. "So your parents are getting older..." Like we had to watch in Health in high school.
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Sandwich that's why everyone comes here to learn and to share. There is also a lot of information on the web that you can research. The alzheimers society is a good place to start.
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My life has been exceptionally quiet and without chaos for about a week. Even doctor's visits last Friday, although a bit of a hassle with the long drive and long waits, went fine… I think my internal feeling of something-akin-to-serenity also comes from so many highly stressful events - like the "mold issue," this harsh winter, not knowing how to handle my father's many health issues - all kind of wrapping up, smoothing out. Things are getting handled, getting fixed.

I've never realized how little I have to "say" on here when I'm not in a state of stress. ;-D

So, just thought I would say, then - that I am sending anyone with too much on your plate right now a little bit of my extra energy of the moment. I hope whatever's in your work pile gets resolved sooner rather than later, and with relative ease. G'night all.
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Thanks, Alison. We all have our days! Right now, I too am ready to'sleep.
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I feel the same way...sometimes I feel like I am a chronic complainer about one thing or another. Enjoy quiet!

We grow up in a family where certain things are valued whether it be possessions or virtues depends on the family and each individual. I bring this up because my mother was given a family heirloom many years ago. I have always been into treasuring possessions that were passed on to other family members. To me, it was a continuation of the family, heritage, legacy, a priceless possession that represented family even if it had no great $$$ value.

I always wanted this heirloom the moment my mother acquired it. At the same time, my parents had some possessions that my sister wanted. Our mother out right gave these items to my sister while her mind was still competent. Our mother would not give to me this possession that I treasured since I was 12 years old. I have acquired it as a result of my mother's incapacity. While I enjoy having this "clock" that is approximately 100 years old (it is not rare so not a lot of $$ value but it still has family value to me), I find that I treasure the memories of good times with my family that my sister says she does not remember. My sister openly admits that she "loves things"...especially "old things". I have been very resentful that our mother gave my sister these "things" as a gift, while I had to wait until she was mentally incapacitated. I have come to realize that I am the richer because I value the family connection and memories while my sister values the age and $$$. My mother did not give me this clock as a gift, but the gift she gave me is more valuable than what she gave my sister. I hope you all understand. Blessing to everyone!!
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I, too, have been absent for several months on the discussions. Either too busy, too tired, or whatever. Isn't it wonderful though that when things get overwhelming we have somewhere to go and share our feelings? My mother can remember who gave her what, and where she bought each piece of jewelry when they traveled, etc. Like your sister, I don't remember much from my childhood. Some things I value because they came from a dear aunt, whether or not they had value, and other things which meant a lot to my mother, don't mean anything to me and I will never remember the stories attached to them like she does. One of my daughters is into all antiques and treasures every old thing from the family. I'm glad it means so much to her. At my age, I find I am wanting to get rid of extra clothes, etc. and simplify my life, which means spending less time caring for possessions, and more time just doing what I want to. Read somewhere that it is a good thing to take some photos of a treasured object, and then give it away to avoid clutter. You can always trip down memory lane by going through the photos. Personally I'm working on "letting go" of things. Thanks who have written in good times as well as bad. Very helpful for those of us in a bad patch. Blessings to all of you.
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Chimpazilla welcome you have come to the right place and soon will have many good friends-the greatest folks are here.
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Caregiving support groups are great to go to if available-you also can help others there -I have a good friend that I met well over 5 yrs.. ago.
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Dsyfuncational family , sign me up. I am with all of you. I was raised with to sibiling that well one turned out pretty good, the other well major dsyfunction. My dad died several years ago and well I had to do everything, as well they jsut did not have the time. My mom is now in a place where she needs to go in a nursing home because she cant take care of herself, but she has been in several and well it hasn't worked out wiith any if them because things dont go her way, I cant keep doing this , the phone calls late at night, early morning complaining that she hates where she is out, to come get here. I have no one to help me as my older sibling isnt in the picture anymore (her choice) and well my brother she is a bother to him. Plus I live in another state and cant move her closer. I have spent my life taking care of my parents , my dad had kidney disease for 10years and is gone now, I need help but yet every agency I call cant help me cause she has pissed them off, Yay for me, What to do, what to do thoughts anyone?
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Welcome Missmel, you will find comfort and help here.
A couple of quick suggestions. Leave mom in the nursing home. Just tell her no you are not bringing her to your house.Tthe other one is turn off your phone at night. Tell her ahead of time that you won't be taking her calls between the hours of your choice. She is in a place where she is being cared for and any emergencies can be attended to by the staff. Blessings
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Missmel...... Hire a live in for her. Check with some local churches to see if they know of anyone who do this type of work. There are of course steps you need to do prior to this. Also will need to set up relief time for the live in. Check references have an already set up rules of the home, such as visitors, and a written job description/ schedule for mother so you are both on the same page. Also if valuables in home remove them...... inventory as there are sadly sometimes family members, not the kind hearted aides who steal.
Tell her if this situation does not work out then the only option is nursing home period!
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Misme I agree she needs to be in a nursing home do not let her wear you down to the point you take her into your home. You might have to change your phone number to stop the calls-does she need a phone available 24/7-mybe her phone could be turned off after a certain time or if you have caller ID do not answer her calls. Professional agencies should be able to deal with her-she just probably does not like their answers and does not accept how things need to be-they need to deal with her bad behaviors -if your sibs all agree how to handle her that would help -since your sister does not want to be a part of her care maybe you and your brother can agree on a game plan to help both of you. Keep coming back to this group you will learn much from others going through difficult problems with their elders -you will learn detachment it is not easy but you will be able to learn how to deal with her power struggles by taking small steps at first and then building on your successes . She now has too much power over you and you need to take some of that power away from her.
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Just a quick update...my niece received results today which was the last day of chemo...her tumor counts were 55 before treatment and they are now at 7.3!! She said she will know the surgery date after April 1st. Praying the tumor has reduced enough so they can remove it.
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Sharyn, that's great news! I hope she continues to get better and better.
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Sounding good, Sharyn - fingers crossed for the operation x
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Hm. Our plot is thickening. Sister - in a moment of uncharacteristic openness yesterday - said she was getting fed up with getting no replies to her emails from our brother, who shares POA for finances with her.

No reply at all, not just not a helpful reply. Odd.

She is getting uptight about it because, as she put it, he has responsibilities to meet and he's not doing it. I can't imagine it's because she's not confident about making sound financial decisions (she's infinitely better qualified to do so than he is); it's perhaps because her strong sense of fairness makes her feel grumpy that he's pulling no weight at all, or it could be because she prefers to do things strictly by the book and, in this case, the book says they're joint POA and his input is legally required.

What could I do but sympathise? I have a flicker of wondering how she's going to work out that his refusal to get involved is my fault, but I don't care enough about that to worry.

What on earth is brother up to? We haven't heard a peep out of him for six weeks. Do I call him and risk aggravation? Let him stew? His son, Lovely Nephew No. 1, is getting married in a month - leave well enough alone until after? Or best to get any potential flashpoint questions defused before then? Hmmmmmmm….
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CM I would leave well enough alone. He knows she looking for him and chooses to ignore her. I would stay out of it..
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My friend Maria had a tumor on her thyroid. She prayed and chanted healing affirmations several times a day. By the time of the operation, the doctors didn't bother checking if the tumor was there or not. They remove her thyroid and found no tumors!
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It is daughter dearest's weekend to relieve the caregiver. Historically, my sister in law refuses to follow a simple schedule for her mother. After the weekend with her my mother in law is exhausted and fluid overloaded. Even the caregiver doesnot rest easy knowing the poor care. I have discussed this with her other healthcare professionals and they seem to think it is only 1- 2 weekends/month she will be ok. So hard to let go........ However the caregiver texted me to say my MIL has severe diarrhea (incontinent)............ such a shame! Not my problem this weekend! {GRIN}!!!!!!!
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Mom admitted to hospital tonight with bowel obstruction. Doc said it is coincident with gluten free diet and probably scar tissue from previous intestinal surgery. Just what I was afraid of though. She has had chronic diarrhea for 50-60 years. Now we go gluten free and she can't go? Or she doesn't know how to?:-( anybody else deal with something like this?
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No, Glad. Father has problem with his bowels. Says it's stuck or too painful. So, he drinks milk to help him "go." I know that mom used to have bowel obstruction. Father said that the nurse would reach in and pull it out for mom.
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Thank you Book and CM. My brother's family has been through so much pain with losing one son to colon cancer and now the daughter having rectal cancer. Keep praying, sending out positive vibes.

Cm~I agree with assandache, stay out of it and let your sister hash it out with your brother.
Norest~I know it is hard to let go, but it sounds like you are taking this in stride by letting sil handle it, good for you!
Glad~I am sorry your mom is in hospital. Hopefully they will not have to do surgery at her age and condition. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. I have not heard of anyone with dementia not knowing how to go to have a bm...just incontinence..but who knows.
Margeaux~Where are you, we miss you and hope everything is ok. Let us know when you can.


It has been a long week for me as I do not get a day off until Sunday which means I am working 6 days this week with a total of 9 days straights. We have a co-worker out because her 1 year was very sick and taken to Oakland's Children's Hospital. He is home now but is under observation.

Sis and I met with the real estate agent to sign papers to put mom's house on the market March 26th. The estate sale is this week end.

I have been grieving all these losses with family members having cancer, selling my childhood home which is the biggest loss for me. There are a lot of bad memories in this house...but I also have some good memories and just of loss of family of origin is what makes this so hard for me. The memories I treasure the most as a family are the camping trips we took every summer. This was one of the few times that we were a normal family without my mom's control issues preventing us from being "kids".

My mom is doing well...she has acquired toys such as a white long haired cat, the black stuffed poodle we gave her for Christmas, and a stuffed bear. We don't know where the bear or cat came from, but she keeps them in a closet in her apartment during the day. She brings them out at night so they can sleep with her. She told my sister they sleep all the time and do not eat...the perfect pets, LOL!!

We are planning a genders reveal family co-ed baby shower in May. A cake with the appropriate color of M & M's will be in the bottom layer and I plan to have my mom make the cuts in the cake and then have my fil lift out the first slice to reveal the genders. We will pins for people wear for the team they choose...boys, girls, or a boy and a girl. Who ever thought there would be 3 choices with a pregancy, LOL!! Even though my daugther's babe's have their own sacs and it appears they have their own placentas...they can still be identical twins under these conditions. I am learning new info about twins. All we care about is that the our daughter and the babies are healthy throughout.

I am almost done with the first baby blanket, working on the border now and have ordered the yarn for the next. I prefer a stitch that is not open or lacy for babies so their toes and fingers do not get stuck in open spaces.

Stay strong everyone, relax when you can, and do something good for yourself.
Hugs to everyone,
Sharyn
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Shary the blanket sounds beautiful. I know the memories of living in the home are flooding into your mind-I hope the good memories out number the bad ones. When my mom sold our house the new people changed it so much-it now looks like a big box- avoided going into it-they are friends of our-but last summer had to go into the home because they had a party for their daughter and the food was inside-I just tried to shut my mind down-it was very hard..
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Austin it will be hard to see another family change it especially if they let lit get run down. We have stipulated that no one can buy the house to use as a rental. It must have been hard for you to go inside your mom's house. Good memories are what I hold onto.
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I could see their point they wanted a house that was right for their family but the house had such a long history and was unquiet but it was hard to go into the house.
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The night from he double hockey sticks at the hospital with mom. It seems the obstruction has cleared, lesson learned as soon as you think there is an obstruction get to the ER. Do not waste time with laxatives. The doc told me if I had let it go, it could have become much more serious. Well she is feeling so much better she could talk of nothing but coming home tonight, how I should not be home alone with her husband, and her becoming very angry with me for not taking her home. I am pooped:-). The nurses were going to wait until 9 to give her 75 mg seroquel but I told them they best do it at 5, they did, she was still wound up an hour and a half later, so gave her another 25mg. Still wound up an hour later gave her xanax. She finally went to sleep about 8:45. Told them to call me if they needed, but try the Haldol first.
it was a rough one for her last night as well. They had to pump her stomach to relieve the pressure on the intestine. Sometime during the night she pulled it out. So, she got to go through the reinsertion of the tube. She screamed bloody murder with the first one in the ER. She then pulled out the second one as well. At that point they decided to leave it out. And things seem to be moving down there, will try her on solid food tomorrow. I left the room for 15-20 minutes early this afternoon for some air, told nurses I was going out for a bit. During that time mom pulled out her IV and started roaming the halls trying to figure out where she was. Got her back to bed easily enough. Left again to come home for some dinner, to check on her hubby and walk the dog. Again she pulled out the IV and was extremely despondent when I got back with two nurses trying to coax her back to bed. Phew I am freaking exhausted!
Hospital just called to ask me if mom is still DNR, brilliant POA sis was life saving measures administered on one form she filled out today, but on the MOST form, let things happen with comfort measures only. Can anybody believe it?! It is absolutely par for the course around here. I wonder about competency of sis, quite frankly.
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Sharyn, I didn't know you can put that kind of a stipulation when selling a house. I thought by buying the house, you can do whatever you want with it. Run it down, and get penalized by the county, etc... but ...

Glad, thanks for the update. I guess the hospital here is different from there. When mom tried to pull her stomach tube and IV out, the nurses gently restrained her hands with strips of blanket. Mom can still move her hands but she couldn't reach the tube and the IV. I guess that would be wrong?
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Book,
Interesting that you ask about restraints, probably has something to do with the right to refuse medical care. In fact hospital staff did not raise all four rails, two on each side of bed, while making the statement that raising all four is considered restraint. What are we supposed to do without restraining people with dementia? My mother may end up needing a psychiatric hospital rather than a nursing home after what I saw tonight. Memory care is completely out of the question because of the level of drugs that would need to be administered to keep her calm. Then she just becomes a vegetable in a wheel chair or bed.
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Book-we can stipulate that the house is not sold to someone looking for an investment property....meaning they would use it for a rental. If a family buys the house and runs it down we can't control that.

Gla- my mom was in the hospital overnight once because she pulled all the packing and gauze out of her nose after a sinus procedure. Causing it to hemmorrage. To keep her pulling the packing out again, they put what looked like white boxing gloves on her hands. It worked. Glad to hear your mom doing better as far as the obstruction goes.
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