
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
We keep doing the same broken thing over & over & over. I certainly don't want my kids going through this the hard way.
I was talking about it with my dental hygienist yesterday. Her dad just got a dementia diagnosis and she has several siblings. Everybody has to learn all this from scratch and go through the different stages with their family as if it's not been done before. That doesn't seem fair.
There ought to be a class to go to or a movie to watch. "So your parents are getting older..." Like we had to watch in Health in high school.
I've never realized how little I have to "say" on here when I'm not in a state of stress. ;-D
So, just thought I would say, then - that I am sending anyone with too much on your plate right now a little bit of my extra energy of the moment. I hope whatever's in your work pile gets resolved sooner rather than later, and with relative ease. G'night all.
We grow up in a family where certain things are valued whether it be possessions or virtues depends on the family and each individual. I bring this up because my mother was given a family heirloom many years ago. I have always been into treasuring possessions that were passed on to other family members. To me, it was a continuation of the family, heritage, legacy, a priceless possession that represented family even if it had no great $$$ value.
I always wanted this heirloom the moment my mother acquired it. At the same time, my parents had some possessions that my sister wanted. Our mother out right gave these items to my sister while her mind was still competent. Our mother would not give to me this possession that I treasured since I was 12 years old. I have acquired it as a result of my mother's incapacity. While I enjoy having this "clock" that is approximately 100 years old (it is not rare so not a lot of $$ value but it still has family value to me), I find that I treasure the memories of good times with my family that my sister says she does not remember. My sister openly admits that she "loves things"...especially "old things". I have been very resentful that our mother gave my sister these "things" as a gift, while I had to wait until she was mentally incapacitated. I have come to realize that I am the richer because I value the family connection and memories while my sister values the age and $$$. My mother did not give me this clock as a gift, but the gift she gave me is more valuable than what she gave my sister. I hope you all understand. Blessing to everyone!!
A couple of quick suggestions. Leave mom in the nursing home. Just tell her no you are not bringing her to your house.Tthe other one is turn off your phone at night. Tell her ahead of time that you won't be taking her calls between the hours of your choice. She is in a place where she is being cared for and any emergencies can be attended to by the staff. Blessings
Tell her if this situation does not work out then the only option is nursing home period!
No reply at all, not just not a helpful reply. Odd.
She is getting uptight about it because, as she put it, he has responsibilities to meet and he's not doing it. I can't imagine it's because she's not confident about making sound financial decisions (she's infinitely better qualified to do so than he is); it's perhaps because her strong sense of fairness makes her feel grumpy that he's pulling no weight at all, or it could be because she prefers to do things strictly by the book and, in this case, the book says they're joint POA and his input is legally required.
What could I do but sympathise? I have a flicker of wondering how she's going to work out that his refusal to get involved is my fault, but I don't care enough about that to worry.
What on earth is brother up to? We haven't heard a peep out of him for six weeks. Do I call him and risk aggravation? Let him stew? His son, Lovely Nephew No. 1, is getting married in a month - leave well enough alone until after? Or best to get any potential flashpoint questions defused before then? Hmmmmmmm….
Cm~I agree with assandache, stay out of it and let your sister hash it out with your brother.
Norest~I know it is hard to let go, but it sounds like you are taking this in stride by letting sil handle it, good for you!
Glad~I am sorry your mom is in hospital. Hopefully they will not have to do surgery at her age and condition. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. I have not heard of anyone with dementia not knowing how to go to have a bm...just incontinence..but who knows.
Margeaux~Where are you, we miss you and hope everything is ok. Let us know when you can.
It has been a long week for me as I do not get a day off until Sunday which means I am working 6 days this week with a total of 9 days straights. We have a co-worker out because her 1 year was very sick and taken to Oakland's Children's Hospital. He is home now but is under observation.
Sis and I met with the real estate agent to sign papers to put mom's house on the market March 26th. The estate sale is this week end.
I have been grieving all these losses with family members having cancer, selling my childhood home which is the biggest loss for me. There are a lot of bad memories in this house...but I also have some good memories and just of loss of family of origin is what makes this so hard for me. The memories I treasure the most as a family are the camping trips we took every summer. This was one of the few times that we were a normal family without my mom's control issues preventing us from being "kids".
My mom is doing well...she has acquired toys such as a white long haired cat, the black stuffed poodle we gave her for Christmas, and a stuffed bear. We don't know where the bear or cat came from, but she keeps them in a closet in her apartment during the day. She brings them out at night so they can sleep with her. She told my sister they sleep all the time and do not eat...the perfect pets, LOL!!
We are planning a genders reveal family co-ed baby shower in May. A cake with the appropriate color of M & M's will be in the bottom layer and I plan to have my mom make the cuts in the cake and then have my fil lift out the first slice to reveal the genders. We will pins for people wear for the team they choose...boys, girls, or a boy and a girl. Who ever thought there would be 3 choices with a pregancy, LOL!! Even though my daugther's babe's have their own sacs and it appears they have their own placentas...they can still be identical twins under these conditions. I am learning new info about twins. All we care about is that the our daughter and the babies are healthy throughout.
I am almost done with the first baby blanket, working on the border now and have ordered the yarn for the next. I prefer a stitch that is not open or lacy for babies so their toes and fingers do not get stuck in open spaces.
Stay strong everyone, relax when you can, and do something good for yourself.
Hugs to everyone,
Sharyn
it was a rough one for her last night as well. They had to pump her stomach to relieve the pressure on the intestine. Sometime during the night she pulled it out. So, she got to go through the reinsertion of the tube. She screamed bloody murder with the first one in the ER. She then pulled out the second one as well. At that point they decided to leave it out. And things seem to be moving down there, will try her on solid food tomorrow. I left the room for 15-20 minutes early this afternoon for some air, told nurses I was going out for a bit. During that time mom pulled out her IV and started roaming the halls trying to figure out where she was. Got her back to bed easily enough. Left again to come home for some dinner, to check on her hubby and walk the dog. Again she pulled out the IV and was extremely despondent when I got back with two nurses trying to coax her back to bed. Phew I am freaking exhausted!
Hospital just called to ask me if mom is still DNR, brilliant POA sis was life saving measures administered on one form she filled out today, but on the MOST form, let things happen with comfort measures only. Can anybody believe it?! It is absolutely par for the course around here. I wonder about competency of sis, quite frankly.
Glad, thanks for the update. I guess the hospital here is different from there. When mom tried to pull her stomach tube and IV out, the nurses gently restrained her hands with strips of blanket. Mom can still move her hands but she couldn't reach the tube and the IV. I guess that would be wrong?
Interesting that you ask about restraints, probably has something to do with the right to refuse medical care. In fact hospital staff did not raise all four rails, two on each side of bed, while making the statement that raising all four is considered restraint. What are we supposed to do without restraining people with dementia? My mother may end up needing a psychiatric hospital rather than a nursing home after what I saw tonight. Memory care is completely out of the question because of the level of drugs that would need to be administered to keep her calm. Then she just becomes a vegetable in a wheel chair or bed.
Gla- my mom was in the hospital overnight once because she pulled all the packing and gauze out of her nose after a sinus procedure. Causing it to hemmorrage. To keep her pulling the packing out again, they put what looked like white boxing gloves on her hands. It worked. Glad to hear your mom doing better as far as the obstruction goes.