The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Duck, I hope you hold peace in your heart, knowing you're doing the best you can with your little extra energy to spare. Your desire to be there for your mom is apparent. I can only imagine if my mom were in a nursing home. I'd want to be there as often as possible, too.

You are always the most important figure in your life. You can't be there for anyone else if you aren't well and in a good spot. I hope you easily forgive yourself for being unable to see your mom whenever you want to. You're trying, and you have to look after yourself, too. It's enough. (((((hugs)))))

Sharyn, I'm concerned about your sis. I agree with you that general anesthesia isn't good for many older folks (maybe it isn't good for many others in general, idk). It can cause issues... imho. I haven't looked for studies or more evidence of this, but I've seen it with my dad and the long-term problems (that required additional surgeries, in his case) that cropped up for him after getting general anesthesia, and what you describe with your sis is just not good. I hope common medical/surgical practice can evolve here and find other ways to numb and sedate people instead of general anesthesia. General should be a last resort if other things are deemed too risky for some reason. I hope treating sis's UTI helped some..? You and your family are in my thoughts right now. I hope when you post again, there is some good news because your sis has been having a very rough time.

I've been reading on AC instead of putting Christmas decorations up. They'll wait another day. It's not even December yet! :)

Once every year or so, I revisit this wonderful thread and re-read through some parts of it. It's helpful for me to consider and reconsider all the sad and frustrating, and also always wise, shared lived experiences and input from everyone here with a fresh, present-day perspective.

I can't believe it's been 10+ years of this wonderful thread.

I hope this thread will always be a place for open sharing and earnest support. Social media spaces have changed, but family caregivers who are in dysfunctional situations will always desperately need a place to sound off, be heard, and be given advice and support.

This is a sacred space. I hope it always remains that way.

I'm just bumping the thread and being sappy. lol Much love to all.

Ali,

This thread has been around a long time. I read it but I haven’t posted on it as much as others have.

It’s an interesting thread with a lot of interesting conversations.

Enjoy your Christmas decorating!

I hate to loose my comments when I answer my phone.

Ali, you always offer sound logical advice. You have a gift with words and logic as well as being one of my heroes.

I had a wonderful time in California with my son and family.

I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt at one point. It's been ages since that has happened.

I am wishing you all a beautiful Christmas
And rays of love light and healing.

So glad that you had a great time in California, Duck. Sounds fun! Laughter is good for the soul.

Have a very merry Christmas 🎄!

For sure Ali, this is a sacred place!
The honor dignity and respect given by most people on board as well as the awesome input from the angels and wise, has been a truly wonderful and amazing impact on my life and my perspective.
Words cannot express how this forum has helped me in so many poignant ways.
It takes the sharing caring and understanding from the awesome people who are experiencing or overcame this painful process of loving with all our hearts no matter what.
It has often scared me that I didn't see what I see now and how those whom I loved so dearly manipulated and use my love and dedication to hurt and controll me.
The Grace of God has kept me and led me to this forum.
I still believe that God is love and love is God.

NeedHelp you are right on point.
Hearing true laughter makes me laugh.

Even the weird natural laughter of others cracks me up because it is amazing and so real and contagious.

Babies belly laughing make the angels rejoice! Brings pure sweet joy to my heart.

Every true, joyous laugh brings happiness to all that hear it, imo.

DDD, so glad you had a great trip!

Ok, anyone up for some new dysfuction?

I am surpringly calm compared to other Decembers.. have even had a couple of people comment on my strong boundaries lately! One a professional (yay me - patting my own back + I am THANKING you forum-folk with a zillion thanks ❤️).

Last year included 1 fall, 1 injury, 2 emergency medical visits & 3 bouts of incontinence. Now I wasn't personally involved with all of that.. and the rest of the day was good. Now we all know I can do nought about other's decisions & actions...

As Alva would stamp (ha ha) *I am an adult* & I have choices: including a boycott or attending.
Gunna sleep on it

Beatty 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻,

I love that I’m not the only one!!!
There should be a new thread…”How is the caregiver taking care of themselves?”

I have also been thinking that my new mindful ways of willing myself to be calmer in the face of craziness is a dysfunction. I have a new mantra “ Oh well . “

Witnessing crazy decisions is tough . I am working on being less anxious over waiting for the next inevitable emergency and how LO’s do not live in reality. I have become more accepting that tragedies do happen in life and I can’t stop that . I too have this forum to thank .

I love the description of boycotting . That is what I have been trying lately as well when possible .

So far, so good here. Mom's mood seems to have leveled off in the last few days but I've also put some distance between us emotionally. She is trying to be chatty chatty and regain that comaradie (or snare me back in her net, I never know with her nor does anyone else). I've also casually mentioned that there are situations that might be brewing at home and I might need to go home to deal with them. Mom just kinda rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. I'm just doing what needs done, being kind and cordial, and trying to let the rest roll off.
My brother called last night and I gave him a quick update on Mom's behavior. I offered to let him come up and take over LOL. He declined as he has stuff going on at his house that's not so great and he can't afford to take the time off work. He did say that if the situation gets worse (or whatever) to just call and he'll make a turnaround trip to come get me. He also mentioned talking to the social worker or someone else so it can be noted in Mom's chart about her moods and behaviors. Idk why I didn't think of keeping a personal journal or chart of how she's doing day by day earlier to share with her providers but I'm starting that today.
Grandma has been ok, her cares are simple. Help her bathe, put her lotions/ointments on, get dressed, fix her meals and snacks, ect. She has her moments of fits and paranoia but usually they are brief. It's amusing to listen to her go on about different things.
I'm going to try to hold out for a couple more weeks and see how Mom does after her next round of chemo and see what these follow up PET scans and labs show.
All in all just taking it day by day and just going with the flow.

Way,

“Oh well” is a great mantra!

Yes I like "Oh well" too.

Accepting, especially when things are outside our control. Plus 'well' is a positive word: healthy, satisfactory or sensible. 😊

I also tell myself . It can’t last forever .

A fav from my mil:
"It is what it is..."

“This too shall pass.”

Thank you Ali💕🩷🩵! I’m back at home in Idaho.
My sis is better, however last weekend she stopped eating again. My niece and I asked several time for. Urinalysis and culture…it didn’t happen. On Friday my sis was transferred back to hospital for dementia. She has a severe UTI. Kidney levels are elevated close to being put on dialysis.

please understand that I know and understand nursing/rehabilitation facilities are understaffed. My heart goes out to these employees. Yet…..why no follow throug? My sis has kidney issues due to advanced diabetes. UTI’s are dangerous for diabetics and anyone who gets one that goes sepsis.

While in Kentucky, I had two great thanksgiving dinners. The traditional Thanksgiving, we had dinner at my nieces fiancés family. It was awesome,, very welcoming. The Saturday
ayafter thanksgiving we had another Thanksgiving dinner at my deceased nieces house where her husband lives with his new wife. My deceased nieces husband welcomed me with a hug which I appreciated I got to see my great niece,met her husband and two daughters and my great nephew, his wife and daughter.

Thank you for thinking about my sis. How is Glad I’m Here. Not seeing any posts from her.

I'm doing much better than i was two weeks ago around T-giving when mum fell and we went through the EMS->hospital->rehab pipeline.

Mum still can't walk unassissted which means she can't come home. With Covid going around again i hate having her in a NH but can't have her at home either.

She has weird diametrically opposed sides to her, she hates everything but soncerely loves the attention. She knows where she is is best but still wants out (understandable). She refuses e v e r y t h i n g i offer to help and never wants anything but at least she's compliant enough with the NH to do the PT stuff and let me straighten out her finances. She doesn't want to take care of herself but is embarassed by the need for emergency care.

I'm tired not only from being burned out dealing with her over quite a number of years as this insidiously progressed but I'm also tired that she's in a NH. The uncertainty day to day, how to pay for all this, how long will this go one, hoping a bad phone call won't happen has me exhausted even though she's nit here anymore but MUCH better where she is.

I'm still dreading the Medicare thing coming up.

Well I did my cards today, and so as to not be the Arsehole I sent one to my BIL and SIL, and "family". We have not spoken to them since a few weeks after FIL passed. BIL called hubs and left a message to call him,, hubs tried several times then gave up. The actual problem is my SIL and my niece. Niece is bent after 6 years because we didn;t come to her baby shower ( got the invite 1 week prior and I was in healthcare and you can;t just "get off") we sent gifts, the whole works but noooo.. I am perfectly happy to never see them again, but still... LOL But I still play nice

Can I be born into a nice family next time? Pretty please?

Isthisreal, I love to hear babies gut laugh and what I find amazing is that it's the same way of sound when my son laughed.

My mother's best buddy from church sounded like a hyena. First time I did a double take. And realize it was real. She was also very observant.

I also had a coworker who had this weird laugh once again double take and then I'd Crack up.
Laughter is so good for the soul.
OKay and I will share a wild event. My aunt who was 2 years older than me. She have a certain way of belly hollering that I knew she was tickled.
After her funeral we were sitting around and someone made us all Crack up.
I laughed so hard trying to hold back and did her same holler and there was a quick second of silence in the room I was like. Oh shisyta was that her.
Pantibiotics, it's always wonderful to see your posts. You are one of my first heroes here and outside of the wisdom your shares showed me I could get through some issues with a change in my perception.

Once I saw a license plate with a logo saying "Life is a beach and then you die"

On the humor thing, sometimes when I am having
a hard time going to sleep or worrying, I watch you tube shorts or facebook. I mean I Crack up like I'm with someone joking around.
Nendless to say I am not a happy go lucky person and everything is not humorous to me.
I alo like the jokes chat on this forum. Years ago when I had working computer and printer I would print the jokes to read later. I come across one or another when I am trying to sort out my paper clutter and its just what I need.
Sharyn you are always in my prayers.
Bare, u already k.
I am always thinking of Golden of course the 3G's.
So many others.
I am not caught up. I can barely keep up with daily stuff
I go crazy searching for something that if it was a snake it would bite me.
I got my first pair of eyeglasses for first time in many years.
They did look like I was blind.
I forgot them upstairs then I got them took them off to shower and can't find them.
Shysterectomy. This is not new. It wears me out.
Especially with an evil narcissistic sister who sabatoged me for years.
Well I can be long winded.

I don't think I will ever have my old holiday spirit. It was hard to get use to not having the stress of shopping cooking decorating
Love is a powerful thing.
I would get a Douglass Fir. Didn't know about getting a stand but learned. Make the most beautiful tree in the world for my son and my nephew's grocery shop clean decorate cook all the wrappings and bows and a reindeer but I always chose to work on the holidays.

I broke down crying in store just from a glance at a coconut cream pie. I mean it hit me hard.
I would buy it for my mother, she made so serious sweetpotato and apple pie but she like this.
Reasily is ot meant some much to make her happy it made me happy. Now what makes me happy and who really cares only use.
My nature is giving bur I was programed to be an unknowing fool and to be used.
I can't help my self it's all I've known of myself and has always been a part of my spirit.
So anyways I start get blabbering and get off tangent or lose the post and think ok that was meant to be.
But I so truly love and appreciate all you good-hearted warriors fighting the good fight

Rays of Love Peace Happiness and Healing to us all!!!!

My mom told me she didn't want me to think she was ungrateful while telling me she appreciated all my hard work today.

Now if she would stop being spoiled and stop being a big baby.

Blick, I am glad your Mother voiced her appreciation of you ❤️. 'Bout time right?

DDDuck, my Christmas Tree this year is.. let's call it minimmal-make-do. (Or maybe menopausal!)
I spent last evening cracking myself up over youtube failed christmas trees. That mood you know when tired + stressed needs a good laugh to cure it! For some reason the tree in Port Macquarie NSW Aus 2022 tickled me silly.

Don't know if link will work;
https://www.news.com.au/national/nsw-act/epic-fail-nsw-local-councils-christmas-tree-branded-an-epic-fail-by-residents/news-story/00fd91d970bbd2d916e1f280fd99ba42

CollieryCats, I HEAR you, I am in the same situation as you. The stress level is unbelievable. Some days I just want to be put out of my misery. I don't know what is going to happen and the uncertainty and worry is killing me. My thoughts are with you.

Unfortunately, my sis is on dialysis now. They will bring in a neurologist tomorrow.

Sharyn,

I am so sorry. Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time with your sister.

Sharyn, May The Lord be with your family right now and touch your sister.

My parents are in a NH. My mother was scheduled for a haircut today and it was not happening fast enough to suit her majesty. It was only 11:30 but no one had come for her yet. She was harping on this and must have been bitterly complaining to my father (who has some form of cognitive decline, not sure if it is dementia) about this before I arrived because when asked how he was he threw his hands in the air in disgust. She succeeded in getting him annoyed at the staff because no one had shown up. She has been the alpha in the family and he always just followed her lead blindly.

The attendant finally did come about ten minutes later. I brought my mother down to the salon myself. And then I quickly left. Got off easy with an abbreviated visit today. That was the good part.