The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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Hey gang.....just flying by with a quick update.....I have been SOOOOOOO overwhelmed since mom died that I think I was barely functional. I mainly slept a lot.

The funeral was like.....there was stuff to do every single day right up to the day after. BFF came with me - I don't know what I would've done without her. We wound up taking her mini-van and basically camped (in the van) by the beach in Vancouver! (Which is something my mother would never have "allowed" while she was alive....I would have had to keep it a huge secret from her.) I didn't have money to spend on a hotel and bro's place is so tiny, I wasn't going to ask. Also we had mom's ashes with us.....so I guess I finally got my mom to go camping after all. Lol. Bro and I were going to scatter the ashes the day after, but it was too windy and the water was low. So I left them with him, like, "Ok, she's your responsibility now."

We got home Saturday night. Then I crashed for two or three days, then I finally called the lawyer. There is so much stuff to be done.....I decided and told bro I prefer the lawyer probate the will because I am NOT the right person for the job. There is already a lot of work, scanning and sending things, gathering up all the info on assets and vital statistics, freezing all her accounts and investments, land title and all that. I honestly didn't really start until yesterday.

Well, bro has been so apathetic or uninterested or whatever about everything that has to be done - the funeral, the Estate, plus dealing with mom's belongings (household goods and clothes and everything else)....I even asked him if he could get the ball rolling with mom's lawyer, since the lawyer is in the SAME CITY AS MY BROTHER. Nope, he's too busy with work. So I made ANOTHER decision that I am now contracting to BFF to help me and paying her out of the Estate. Eff this, I wouldn't have gotten this far without her help. I got her to invoice me for the Estate work she did with me yesterday, and I just have to phone that nice lady at the credit union who told me to call her any time I want a cheque to be put through (I already had that account frozen).

The other decision I made on the weekend is that I can't even tackle mom's apartment until I get my own stuff out of here and start living at home again. Yes, I'm still at mom's. BFF and I took some of my things home Sunday, and we went in today to start organizing stuff. I'm aiming to be back home permanently in a week or two at the most.

I feel like this one is kind of a metaphor for where I'm at - basically I need to untangle my life from my mother's so I can start living again. I AM buying out her apartment, with the intent to rent it out. But I have got to get the eff out of here. Really, I've spent the last 3 weeks, up until this last weekend, feeling like I'm in limbo. Like....I don't belong here but I can't go home yet. Everything I've needed for basic living is here. I can't just go back and forth with two cats - either I'm here looking after them or I'm home and they live there permanently. But my apartment is a disaster from the last year and a half of just going home to grab things I need. So I need to make it habitable first. Getting back home and getting the Estate fully into the lawyer's hands is my first priority. THEN I can start dealing with mom's belongings and her apartment, figure out what I want to keep, what I need to get rid of, and where it's going to go. I won't own the apartment till the Estate is settled anyway, so there isn't a rush to get it cleared out.

I can't believe how long it took me to figure out that plan. It seems so obvious and basic when I think about it now. I've just been overwhelmed, really since the decision to stop dialysis. But I guess you don't figure on how tangled up your life gets with the person you are caring for. It's not like you can just pick up your "real life" where you left off.

I'm running out of room again....

Miss you all, and think about you lots!
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I went on to say that neither him or his mother has to pay for ensure or a podiatrist so what is the problem with getting a pdoiatrist. and I guess that is why I am block from her care so she can't get sh*&&

then he say "You left for 30 days and didnt even tell anyone and now its all about fommunication. and you didnt even call once to see how she was doing. She was eating and doing fine the whole time now everything is aproblem all of a sudden

That was the last text from him. I dont want to overwheldm further with details but part of my reason for not leting them know how long I was going away was because of the delusion that I didnt do anything. after so many calls with no answer my sister number is not in my phone. And my nephew also just started answering recently.

I know I can be nastily sarcastic and was not nice in some parts. I also mentioned that they havent figured out a way to dismiss the mold and that her feet were fine becuase I had been clipping and digging out crust for over a year. And did he agthink that soaking is what a podiatrist do.

This is hard becuase I start out just wanting something better for my mother and end up being nasty and torn up inside trying not to become who they are to me.
Its like a viscious cycle. Was I a fool to even thing I could make a suggestion about my mothers care or needs.

I have got to come to some kind of terms here.
Here I am again, my last night of work fighting with my nephew over nonsense.
Raising my pressure, losing my motivation and ho
Id was reading this book "The Tenth Insight" a sequel lto the "Celestine Phophecy" which I found to be very helpful and spiritual. so I got to this Book and I found it difficult. I understood but some things I found to be exagerrated until I read this "Comming into awareness and breaking free of a control drama always feels anxious at first, because the compulsion has to lift before the inward solution to the lostness can by found."
So I read this and I wanted to cry deep down in side because i was wondering If my solution to my lostness wil ever be found. I even marked the page so I could discuss this with my therapisty in the morning when I get off.

Then with this sadness in my mind, I am contemplating getting the toilet fixed and maybe getting a cheap chest for my room which I had been making big stives in organizing Then I get this text from my nephew and I feel like any and every thing I have ever done is useless except for my son.

I know people get tired of reading or seeing this book of mine. I can understand it. But help is the reasoname on board here. To get help but also to help in sharing, and support of others on board here.

I am grateful for any input. Some times the themes come together and I get a light bulb. I really need a light bulb with this. Its like whats the point in everything and all things. I am fooling my self in so many ways I just dont know what ways. It hurts me to my heart to see my mother deteriorate, even if I dare fash back to the many ugly moments and deeds which are a reality,. It hurts to see this web that has been spunn and grows from the way she has raised her two daughters and from her own dyusfunction. I am trying so hard to grow out of this dysfunction and my own web. I feel like I am stuck on stupid and I dont know to get out.
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Please bare with me again. I need feedback. perspective. I do know I wonbt fool my self thinking there is any remenantof hope for this family.

So I add "Also Ma has been eating very poorly aso I called doctory an request ensure. Also please request a podiatry referral. I usually cut the nails when I do mine every three months. She has a lot of built up crust and need a professional clean under nails. I havent checked lately but she is due.

He responds s. Ma is eating verywell. We feed her and make sure she eats there are no issures with her diet. she goes to her apts and they always look at her feetand she gets her feet soaked in the house. You can always soak her feet on your own in rthe house,.

Whay should she need ensures when shes supposed to be eating her meals on wheels.

So now my head is pounding and I almost want to cry. I am so tired of this nonsense. I amnot perfect but I dont see anything wrong.

So I Respond. Lord have mercy. She is supporsed to be eating them and as I said wheich I thought your defective min understood iss that her appetite dwindles. I am not trying to take away, negatem anything you do. I addresss her eating everyday not when I feel like it. Daily...
Also what doses meals on wheels have to do with her getting ensure obviously if you didnt see this as an insult about. her care or revelation of lack of care you would see it as a supplement. I really dont understand this mentality. i want her to have all she can get while it seems like geeting her a service mean neglect. Wheich is why she is walkintg aroung with dementia and poor eyesight using her onwn descrecition on eating bathing and puttling all kinds of stuff awya while no one checks these bags of stuff or see the mold or its ramifications or anything else for that matterAsl long as she shakes her head Iokay yall are finde untill something happens and then there is blame.
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Hey I think I spoke too soon about my nephew. I was emboldened with what I preceived as cooperation and teamwork.

My goodness I am no angel by far.

When I got in my mother ate her breakfast well. I felt so good. for a minute. Then I go in the molded shed and get the breakfast bars that are sealed and in a closed cabinet in shed, when I notice I must have dropped one and saw it the package was eaten through by mice. So I go and get poison and put near where the wrapper was. Not to mention also that the morning before I had noticed the shed door to backyard was not closed properly the slide lock was on and knob was locked but door was not closed.


Any way I closed and locked door after placing the poison and see a dead mouse right in front of the door. Normally we dont find dead mice in open like that either on trap or they die in their hideaway. So my minds starts thinking it was the mold, it could have been that he ate poison I left in places. so I am hoping it is this last one I hear everynow and seeing that the posison was nibbled wondering why this one is not eating the poison and dead.

Anyways, its raining hard. I sprayed the shed. and it seemed I could smell the mold so I text my nephew.

"The mold in shed is getting bad around door and seams its dangerous for Ma. I have been sparaying lysol and clorox but its going to get worse. do you have copy of house insurance or check if water damage and mold is covered. I got beat already by cole... trying to fix it. He claims its the roof gutter. There is a leak or a broken pipe some where and its gedtting worse. Its a professional job and needs to be addressed asap.

I cant do toilet until I am off. The water has to be truned off from basement as the volve under toiledt does not turn it off completly."

Then I added trying to be light that the black bag was verry heavy what on earth did you put in there. Bricks.

The
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fraz - hope the professionals are getting a good meds regime for your mum. It is a pretty stressful time. Look after you. She is in good hands.

duck - glad you can work with your nephew. That's great. Hope you get more help.

glad - I think you will love the maple.

ali - you are on a roll!!! So nice to see you enjoying life.

stacey - how's the decluttering going? I;m going to bring in Ms Ruthless - aka dd. lol

sharyn - a trip to the mountains with fall colouring sounds awesome. It was very pretty on the drive down with about 25% of the trees turning yellow, some a lime green, and a few peachy rust bushes. against the dark green spruce and bright blue AB skies.

I didn't sleep well last night. and couldn't nap today for some reason. Still snuffling a lot. Hoping to head back tomorrow. If I am not up to it I will stay another day, The weather looks decent for the next two days.

Take care all Do something good for you!
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Ali, you sound great! What worked for me obviously would not have for you. Just ignore all those suggestions of mine for you to move to a small city😝 different strokes, you know.... 😉

Duck I hope that you will find a way out, somehow. There is hope.

Stacey, such a romantic, you are!
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Golden, dang! I still love you for who you are to me in this forum. I just remember your birthday being close to mine and now I vaguely remember a similar post. LOL. ((((HUGS))))

Sharyn, thanks for all the advice and support. (((HUGS)))

Frazz, thanks. Thanks for understanding and the advice. I hope things work out well in new facility for your mother. I know it hurts to see them in distress and be helpless in calming them. I am wishing the best for you.

This morning I was torn up because my mother was in a different place. Usually I say good morning Joanie and she is all chummy and upbeat. I know she wont be up and happy always. I found a store that made hash browns and scrambele egg breakfast and was really disapointed and scared when she would not eat not one mouthfull. She didnt want to be bothered.

Later she was okay, and when I left for work and heated up her meal she ate with some enthusiasm even if I had to feed her. I felt better. I also felt better becuase the hall was clean. AGain, I laid the chucks on floor and picked them up as the dog used them before I went up to sleep. When I came down a few were still there and others were picked up. I dont know who it was but it felt good there was a sliver of teamwork. Also fish and fries were in the place of the breakfast plate I left incase my mother decided to eat. she did drink the milk. Then I saw it was my nephew. He came in with large black trash bags and took bag I had left to take out in one. Its just so nice when you can work with someone on same team instead of this hate stuff that is prominent.

I had called the Doctor and left message about the situation again. that her eating habits are getting poor, requesting ensure and that she gets a home attendant as she needs one. I knew he would not call me because my sister has me blocked. I just hope he addresses these calls and I feel like he does. I left things alone with my nephew for now except asking if he had time to wait for guy to come fix toilet. Meanwhile the water is running and there is a water bill. I have to wait till I am off in another day. Meanwhile I woke up early and couldnt sleep. Saw that I got almost three hours in so I just started maintenance control in my room and downstairs.

I felt accomplished and more at ease today for a change. I know it was the positive atmosphere between my nephew and myself.

I hope it continues.
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Ali I am so happy for you. You have been through so much and I declare!! no joke you voice my own sentiments and give me hope. I am just really happy for you. I love your knack for putting things in such a beautiful truthful nutshell.

I had thyroid scan last week waiting for results. I was really and truly wondering if there was a deficiency there that enhanced my stress response.

So many of your complaints were similar and I makes me feel so happy and hopeful to see you a a peaceful, happy, hopeful place.

I am routing for you always.
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Frazzled, I hope they are getting the right combo of meds for your mom. Not only will she feel better when they do, you will have more peace of mind for yourself. Hang in there, thinking of you and your mom.
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Thanks Alli, that was Sweet of you, and I feel very much the same, I Appreciate your friendship and your incredible insight. It's funny that our Caregiving situations ended nearly the same time, and I'm proud of all that you have accomplished in the past year!

Your new place sounds like a good move for you, getting a couple of new roommates, and sharing costs is a great idea! I'm so glad that things are looking up, your having better health and looking forward to life in general! Have you been dating, are you getting out there and having fun? I enjoy hearing about these things, Lol! Oh to be beautiful and single! Good luck on your move! Stace ❤
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