The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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notlike - now you have me laughing - the idea of a nar ( have to distinguish it from a narc lol) having a sense of humour!!! - or at least a sense of humour that others understand. certainly not one at her own expense. No, not your fault if she takes it the wrong way. Some people seem to look for insults. You can't win.

Nothing you can do about the blood if she doesn't want to admit it. I suppose you or your dad could mention it to her doctor.

She will likely "push" whatever she can - as I said - it is what they do. I think you handled the supper thing very well. Re your serving plates, I would be inclined to say that you like them. Mother used to want to go shopping for clothes with me when I visited her. She would pick out things that she wanted me to have, push me to try them on, and then sit and makes comments - not all complimentary. Finally I said "Don't you think I dress well? Most people think I do." Her answer was that she thought I would like her opinion, as my sister did. I said no I don't, I can pick out my own clothes, and BTW my sister doesn't appreciate your advice either. They don't do subtle. That was the last shopping trip we went on. Not true - we happened to be in a mall a few years ago and I saw black leather jackets on sale. I should have waited and gone back alone. She kept pushing me to try on larger sizes and different styles - like guy's jackets. The clerks were very good and kept doing the right things. Finally she gave up and went outside the shop to wait till I was finished. There was a very "trendy" sort of bad girl jacket, I might have bought had I been on my own. It did look nice in but, the mama interference was too much. Aaargh - the big and little ways they try to control.

Cmag, 17 years ago I started dating a woman in a wheelchair. My sainted, but raging codependent mother told me that I deserve a "whole woman." I asked my mother not to make me choose between my disabled girlfriend and my mother's affection. It took about ten years for mom to see that I found myself in caregiving, and it has made me happier than anything I've ever done while trying to make myself happy. My family still has its dysfunctions, and I still love them with all their flaws. But finding myself has been the best revenge. Among other things, I'm immune to their efforts to control my emotional state. I'm so happy I can't see straight, and I don't need family support to celebrate it every single day. When they offer support, I take it, of course. I'm just about broke, but I'll proudly go to the poorhouse pushing my wife's manual chair.


Welcome, JonathninOregon! You have had quite a journey and from your post here and your profile, you have your hands very full of caretaking several people now.

Hi everyone,

We are back home from my wife's biopsy. The procedure was not as bad as my wife expected. We might learn the results as early as Wed. Thanks for your prayers. I will keep you updated.
I definitely come from a dysfunctional family, both the one I grew up in and the one my husband and I created. (he mostly, because he had been married before to an alcoholic and had baggage.) But I digress. We didn't drink, do drugs, or molest or the like but there was dysf. Can't go into detail bc my sister would recognize me if I posted more. So now she is the BOSS and controls mom like they are one person. I can do no right and am always wrong. I am their lackey. I could go on and on. I just tell myself, this too shall pass.
brandywine1949, I'm sorry that you feel so in bondage to your mom and BOSS. She sounds extremely enmeshed with her mother and controls her like a supreme narcissist. Do both of them live in your house? Often, when the dominator no longer has a slave, the slave driver crumbles because they are actually so dependent upon their slave. What does your husband think about all of this? How long do you think this might be for 'this to shall pass'?

While not as bad as either my or my wife's family or origin, we had our own dysfunctionalism as a result of what we went through despite the fact that we each wanted better for our boys. However, before each left home my wife had made significant progress with her mother issues and I've made a lot of progress. Thus, we feel closer together and will be better parents for our adult children who are in college.
cmag, No, they don't live in the same house or in my house, thank God but about a mile away from each other and a mile in another direction from me. What does my hubby think about all this? He has mild cognitive impairment so his thinking is distorted and confused. Fun, I have two people with mental issues to take care of. As for the this too shall pass, it just gives me hope, however long it will be.
Emjo-Jackets, serving bowls, what little things they use to control. It amazes me that so much time is used up by them trying to push us around. Here my Mom is, living the last of her life. She won't go anywhere fun with me, but spends whole days trying to destroy what I do have. What a waste!
Brandy-hugs to you. I too feel like I can do no right, only wrong. Learning to realize that I really am RIGHT, and what's wrong with me is that I'm not mean and nasty like her. Trust you instincts. I think you are perfect just the way you are. And a wonderful person for doing what you are doing. More hugs.
Cmag-please keep us posted. Continued prayers.
JinO-Good to meet you. Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. I think that's the best kind of relationship-where both people realize how lucky they are to have found each other. Would you please explain how you became immune to your family's dysfunction? Would like to know more about your journey.
Mom's turned on Dad again this week. It hurts to see him being the whipping boy. I don't know how or why he continues this over and over.
notlikemom, you said so much in only a few words. This morning I went into the kitchen and said hello cheerfully. My greeting was met by my mother's dour face. She didn't even look at me. You are so right in what you said. I stopped to think how I was feeling by the rejection. Did I not say hello nice enough? Was I such a wretched person that no matter how nice I said it, it wouldn't be acceptable? These feelings were just a flash through me, but I know it is how I really felt about the moment.

If I say something to her about it, she will say "I'm just not a morning person." But I know she is not a morning, afternoon, evening, or night person. She is just a mean and spiteful woman. How she got that way, I don't know. I'm sorry she never chose to deal with it, and expected everyone else to make special allowances for her.

My mother controls with her mood. "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And mom is never happy. notlikemom, you are so right that it is not us.
Oh Jessie, you hit the nail on the head. They will say "I'm not a (blank) person," but never the truth, which is that they are not a NICE person. Sorry to hear it is like that for you, and I do know how you feel. If I had a dollar for everytime Mom said no to something, or that she just couldn't do the normal, polite thing, I'd be rich. I asked her last week, when I was angry, if we needed to go back to kindergarten and learn how to be polite and nice to each other.
Mom will come into the kitchen and sit facing away from us. When she's in a mood, which is most of the time, she answers with only a word or two. I had set some cookies on the counter, then saw them later in the garbage. I asked her "Didn't you want the cookies?" her response was "I threw them away, didn't I?" When I said that I was asking because I was wondering why she didn't want them, I was told that's not what I actually said, and I could see that she didn't want them because she had thrown them away. Needles to say, I won't be buying anymore cookies for her. I didn't bake the cookies, package them, or even pick them out (Dad did), so I know it wasn't me. But in the heat of the moment, I thought I was stupid for asking her wrong. I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her.

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