The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

"She let go" was so good emjo, so simple, just let go... thanks,,, hugs to you

What can you say about dysfunctional families? Today I was cleaning my car. It is 9 years old and leaks in a couple of places. I'm always having to clean up the water after it rains. And it is forever raining here.

Today I came in and said I thought it was time to buy a new car. My mother said right away that they could not help me with buying one. I didn't ask them and don't need any help there, but it did stir up some feelings. My parents never gave me anything. They paid for my brothers' college, but I paid for my own. They saved money for their grandkids' college. They gave thousands and thousands of dollars to my oldest brother. They invested so much in the sons, but I was left to fend for myself when it comes to finances.

My first thought was to tell her what a rude remark it was to make to someone who has given them over two years of her life with no thought of pay. My second thought was that it didn't matter. My mother is stuck in that old mindset that boys matter and girls are only good for breeding and cleaning. I'm not going to change her now.

If she's lucky I'll let her ride in my new car. That I was bothered by it and put it behind me so fast made me proud. I realized that it didn't matter and I certainly was not going to put any emotional energy into it.

Jessie that was great I have to learn to do that when visiting my Mom-lucky for me when I visit I now stay with my sister and only see Mom with others present and she plays the sweet old lady role she is so good with doing. But instead of stewing over what someone says I will put it behind me fast and see how that goes.

195Austin, it feels better. The first nip was still hurtful. Not long ago if she had said that, it would have chewed at me for days. I was just hurting myself feeling all that anger. I wonder if a lot of the change in the way I am feeling is self preservation. Now that I'm older, all that stress and anger were probably going to kill me.

(((((jessiebelle)))) right on!!! and good for you austin - figuring out a way that works.

I am older than you are, and I do appreciate what you say about stress and self preservation. Things used to bother me for days too. In the past few years it was affecting my health to the point that I knew I had to make changes. Even now, I am struggling with some health issues that must be, at least in part, rooted in a lifetime of stress. Thankfully they aren't life threatening. This past summer I made the decision to finally detach. I had distanced (given myself space) before but not detached. I think it is self preservation. I had some anger and lots of hurt to do with my mother and my sister. It is amazing how it can be like water off a duck's back, once you get into the "right" frame of mind,

Hugs to both of you and gave a good day

Joan

Izabella - how did the time-for-you cooking go? Waiting to hear! :)

I do wish I had the ability of not being affected by my reactions..or comments.. Jessie you are so right the emotional energy it takes to confront hurtful words or actions is not worth it..but yet it is so hard... Yesterday I tried to focus on the wonderful advice Jo gave me.. To do one thing for me.. so I decided to put all my energy into getting creative in the kitchen... While I was trying to make a peaceful day.. My mom decided to call my one sister.. well long story short.. the phone conversation turned into a arguement.. every now and then my mom will see what horrible people my sisters truly are.. so of course,following the call my mom was upset..her blood pressure went up..she was a wreck physically and emotionally.. and all for me to "make better".. I had to put aside what I was doing to calm her down..talk and talk.. but I could not hold back.. I told her all will be fine with you and your beloved daugters in a few days and no matter how much they hurt you I'm left to clean it up.. This made her very angry.. as this comment usually does.. But I am tired of being the one to calm mom down while they go on with life.. but she will continue to call them.. because in her words.."they are my daughters".. It's not fair.. I have zero contact with my sisters.. because they contribute nothing positive to my life..but indirectly I am forced to deal with them because mom lives with me.. From the age of 10 all I wanted to do is to get my mom (and me) away from my sisters.. and when I finally do I see she is the one that won't let go... I told her one day you will end up having a stroke..or worse.. all for them.. but I've said this before and nothing changes.. my mom is very emotional and the upset they create makes her sick.. I cannot keep living my life fixing their damage.. but I have to.. I'm stuck just as I was as a 10yr little girl.. funny how lifes pattern never really changes.. I wish everyone a day filled with the Love we do deserve......

Jo--- Just wanted to stress my thank you to you for your advice yesterday.. It began really good!.. lasted for about 30min. before the bomb dropped and I was taking blood pressure ect.. (as I mentioned in my post).. But regardless of how it ended up.. I do appreciate it!! Have a nice day.. you are a special lady

Joan, you sound like you are where I want to be. I'm new to this stage of healing, so I'm still waiting for anger to rear its ugly head in me. I took my blood pressure a couple of time when I felt angry and it was high. Stress and anger can play havoc on our bodies. It would be terrible if the dysfunction of childhood made me have a stroke in my early old age. A new car sounds so much better. I'm really enjoying looking for one. I've decided on a ruby Hyundai Sonata. They are pretty and affordable (if there is any such thing when it comes to cars).

I've also started thinking about life after caregiving. I saw a house that you could see from the front to the back through the big windows. It was so light and airy and clean. I thought about my own new place with very little furniture, a lot of floor, and a lot of light in a senior community where someone else does all the maintenance. :)

Izabella, it sounds like you really got sucked back into it. Parents see their kids different than other people. We may know they are really monsters, but parents always see them as those sweet little angels they raised. It's probably hard on them when they get the glimpse of the monsters they can be.

You'll have to schedule another cook day that you'll enjoy. And maybe she'll stay off the phone. I would be tempted to incapacitate the line. :-E

just lost one long post to you izabella cause the cat deleted it - yes really and then did another one to you jessie and pressed submit and it disappeared.
I am going to type them out in a word doc!

I agree jessie - Izabella you got hoovered in again. there are ways around it. Better stop here before I lose this one too,.

I just looked over the entire thread and it looks like some are either MIA, missing in action, or have not posted here in a while. I hope they are doing ok. This dysfunctional family mess can really be a burden and intensifies with cargiving.

I hope folks are not getting discouraged with their early attempts to detach with love, for it takes practice for those 'no muscles' to gain strength, but still getting hoovered back into their drama can happen to anyone.

Izabella -is there any way to get out of her space while she rants and ravs and go back in later when she has run out of steam-if you said to her I di not want to hear about would that help-probably not but I wish I could make it better for you.

Austin-- I could only wish to be able to get out of her space.. but its not possible.. she has made herself sick with the upset my sisters have caused..and I have no choice but to take care of her.. Todays battle was over her wanting to schedule another Dr. appt.(we already have 2 scheduled before my surgery) .. and that is fine.. I am more then happy to drive her to her appts.. but she will daily start a debate over she does not want to bother me and she can find her own way to the Dr.. a completely pointless conversation because Im her only option.. she goes on w how she didnt need anyone all her yrs..and she doesnt now ..blah..blah.. the reality is I've always been there for her..she has never driven..but if she wants to believe she did it different so be it.. but now I try DAILY to tell her life changes..and some changes we dont like..but we have to accept them.. well this is not good enough for her.. she will go on and on.. until it is an arguement.. she says its because she feels bad seeing me do all.. Yet,somewhere in my heart I think she just will not accept her "new" way of life.. so my whole house suffers.. I hate bellowing on here.. I really do.. I know thats why we all come to this site.. but wouldnt it be nice to just "talk".. I dont know about anyone else..but I often feel so very consumed with problems and negitivity that I know longer know how to have a "normal" conversation w/anyone.. I feel completely drained.. On a funny side.. when I read the suggestion of finding another space.. I pictured myself sitting in my crawlspace..spiderwebs..dust..soot..spiders.. the works..better then my other option..haha..

morning all - have to take the car in for service this morning -sore arm and shoulder yesterday so have to be careful on the computer
hoping to catch up this afternoon

Izabella -all is not lost - you can get some time for you and you need to - just ask some of those of us who are suffering from not doing that and look at your own health needs - no good to be consumed with your mum - care for her yes, but not be swallowed alive - you do matter and you can have some times of peace - think we can do better than a crawl spoace with spider webs

jessie - a ruby red car!!! woo hoo - I'll tell you about my fantasy car later - love your vision of open spaces - do you live in the west?

austin -gettng away from it for a bit is great - just to figure out how Izabella can do it

cmag - hope things are good with you

notlike - how are things with mum - still quiet? waiting for the other shoe to drop?

burned - hang in there - you have such a load

hugs to all ttyl
jo

when I wrote my earlier post I was venting ...mainly letting out some feelings. Its nice someone not of my family but related to marriage by my sister to their family gave me a call. It was so welcoming just to chat and find out he is doing his best and he is not living with my narcisstic sister being her babysitter anymore. My sister thinks there is nothing wrong with her but she is physically abusive to the ones she loves and yet also controlling. I on the other hand can open my mouth and insult ; be done with it. Yes there are some hurt feelings but at least I know violence isnt the answer. I continue to allow myself to be humble and learn from my mistakes. Does anyone have a user in their family. I would love to open a topic on that next such as my sister being a major pain in the rear she tried to say I sponge off her when I paid 500 a month for a room no bigger than my main bedroom here at the house for the 4 of us to sleep in and then gave money to pay property tax on that house they abandoned. I do not want to be in their shoes when the state of Indiana chases down delinquent homeowners...I mean how can ppl lie to other ppl and abuse family and friends. I hate those who front themselves like a tv commercial and like downy were suppose to snuggle with them. How can you feel for ppl like that the only thing flashing in their eyes is the dollar signs. Again this another exhaustive venting post. I have so much on my mind and I am just tired of the games. Omg not the end of his darn doctor was trying to accuse me of declaring my husband incompetent when I needed a statement to become his representative SSDI and then she must assume I am causing him harm.. My husband does what he can on his own and I necessarily don't babysit him but i do keep an eye on him besides keeping the roof over my family and paying blasted bills. I am trying to keep an eye on my stress but i think i am developing stress ulcers or peptic ones besides my cysts,back.migraines and depression and grief. it be nice if my parents could pick up the phone and say hi ...that be the day when snow hits this lil tourist town. Ok I think I let out enough steam ttyal Peace N God Bless

Hi -I hope all your burdens are lighter today.

Did I mention that besides everything else my mom is a complete Hypochondriac?? Well she is.. she is completely obsessed w/turning something that is nothing into the biggest of thing.. yet another way of upsetting an entire house.. and to make matters worse she will call the Dr..the pharmacy..w/the same questions she has asked me a million times.. I know old people tend to dwell on their meds..their aches and pains.. ect.. but I think because my nerves are so completely shot it is just one more thing I cant handle.. but I have to.. alone.. I hate waking up in my own home any more.. I remember the days of peacefully waking up..having coffee..reading the paper.. now her issues feel like a punch in the face as soon as my feet touch the floor.. But Im very sure my sisters are sleeping soundly..and waking up peacefully.. This begins yet another day of what feels like my own personal hell..

I am so sorry for what you are going through I wish I lived closer

Ok ...this is pure dysfunction in my book and funny at the same time. I fb messaged my sister asking about my wedding dress and she threw a fit over it. I basically told her I would make sure if I had anything of hers here in Az I would make sure she got it asap. She got upset that i didnt call her when she had surgery and call me selfish when considering she doesn't like hearing how things are here. I said to her I am too busy fighting to keep benefits etc and getting another situation resolved for my husband. I won out in the end I am getitng my gown sent me via cod which I am glad. She says she is going thru alot and expects me to care when all she did was take and take. she never once said thank you or had any gratitude about anything. I could post it all here but my favorite line after she call my children the devil spawn was : YOU Narcisstic Selfish COW...then i said get some therapy before u hurt urself or ur kids. Omg how can she be my sister and says I do not give a darn anyways...that is like our parents do not care to check in on us and want us to check on them. Families are not families anymore more like broken parts to a house under construction and there are some rare good families that have it going right but without the leave it to beaver or family ties make up. Keep praying that my own lil family doesnt end up the path of my life and pray that my life learns before its too late to rebond and come together as one. I love them all yet I guess I am the one that doesn't give a a hoot when they are so wrong...sometimes the phrase takes a mile to walk in someone's else's shoes and mine needs to do that. the other thing if my sister isn't happy in her marriage why won't she leave him...cuz her biggest fear is being a single mother..i am living it that almost every day but i would not wish my life on anyone.. enough said post later

well I am waiting for things to come like my wedding dress and I havent heard from my sister...dunno if its dead end or not but for the time being glad to stop trying to be there for her when her idea of being there is take and not show an ounce of gratitude ...why do siblings have to think they are better than others we all live the same life its matter of bad decision making and learning to live with our choices seems like she can't live with hers. oh well enough said.

I may as well have been an only child. Nice to see I'm not the only one.

Welcome NNY - it happens with so many families - especially the dysfunctional ones. It does help to know you are not alone, but still doesn't feel good to be the one who is expected to do all the caregiving. (((((hugs)))))
((((((burned)))) -some only know how to take - it seems like they think the world, or at least their family owe them - hope your wedding dress comes soon. I know that "superior, nose in the air attitude well"
izabella - how are u doing? - I am still a but under the weather, but will post more soon. - please so some thing for you - if you go out to check mum's house do it quickly and while you are out have coffee with a friend or just walk a mall and window shop or whatever is good for you
austin -how r u?
jessie - r u really going to get a red car? hope the detachment is working still
cmag - hope things are good with you and your family
I heading to bed now and hope to have more energy tomorrow
hugs to all and anyone I forgot - think I lost a few marbles today ;)
jo

izabella - that is Do not So something - time for bed I think

I too come from a very dysfunctional family;divorce,abuse(physical and mental),alcoholism and broken homes.I am now a Caregiver for a very difficult,sometimes nasty elderly uncle who I live with.I now have to face verbal abuse almost every day,and frankly am thinking of leaving.How much abuse are Caregivers supposed to take?

franny, caregivers shouldn't have to put up with any abuse. Sometimes old or sick people are cantankerous, so some things have to be ignored in caring for them. But when there is actual abuse, a caregiver needs to draw the line. If the man is your uncle, you are being very nice to take care of him. I can't imagine him being ungrateful enough to say anything abusive. It will wear on your self esteem terribly. You don't have to put up with it at all. If he doesn't stop, you are well within your rights to tell him to look for someone else to help.

Thanks Jessie.I am seriously considering moving out.He doesn't want anyone coming into the home and has told me to get out everytime I bring up the subject of his hygiene.He doesn't want to shower and barely washes up,wears the same clothes for most of the week and is incontinent at times.He has also told me to go f myself,but other times can be sweet.I am tired of having to constantly spray air freshner to mask the odor.He isn't senile so i can't have him commited to a nursing home.

franny - I agree with jessie - it will wear on you, and I believe you need to protect yourself from it
sorry about your dysfunctional family background. I am always amazed how we survive our childhoods. I have found I need to keep boundaries regarding the abusive people - and also detach/distance myself or it is too stressful

(((((hugs)))))) and good luck

emio-I hope you feel better soon. I am ok -the weather has benn good so I can get out to our senior center for activities and lunch. Franny he can be put into a nursing home-you do not deserve to be treated this way-I would tell him unless he calms down you will no longer take care of him-that way it will be his choice -behave or be placed and call social service and tell them he needs care and you can not do it any longer. I kept telling myself I did not deserve to be treated badly with the husband until I believed it myself and it did free me up to start to stand up for myself.

Hello everyone.. Well I did get a day of "mom-free"... I got to get out of the house to go for my pre-op testing.. yipee!.. So.. mom spent the day with my sister.. Only to come home and give me the run-down how she feels so sorry for my sister because she does not feel well with her RA.. and since I run on a battery pack after all day at the hospital I got to cook for mom when I brought her home because she had not eaten.. Im am not only so disgusted with my sisters but I am very very hurt by my mom.. Im so tired of the excuses she makes as to why my sisters can not be bothered w her.. and the worst part is she believes them.. I dont want to be felt sorry for by any means.. but what is wrong w these people? I try so hard to let go of the anger and the bitterness but when I hear my mom go on about "poor this one-or that one" I want to scream you see all I do everyday and how I feel and yet you dont say a word to them.. I never thought the day would come when I would wish for my life to consist only of myself..my kids and my husband.. I really feel the only way for me to be healthy mentally is to completely remove myself from this entire family..and that includes my mom... Yet I know I cannot do this.. so I am now getting to the point where I can feel the stress is not helping my health issues.. and yet my hands r tied.. so very fustrating..