notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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Sometimes, we think God has abandoned us because of being hurt so much by harmful people to the point that bitterness begins to take root in our hearts. The arrows of those experiences become the means by which we are tempted to think that God has turned his back on us because of so much tragedy in our lives. However, in the NT we are told that Jesus fully identified himself with our human experience and is our compassionate savior to help us in our time of need. In such times when others have hurt us a lot it is difficult to be angry yet not sin, but that is where prayer and forgiveness comes in. In such a situation forgiveness does not mean forgetting the experiences as if they never took place (which is not possible nor healthy), but it means to take the person off of your hook and put them on God's hook which means leaving vengeance in the hands of God.
Barnacles are like the tragedies of life.
On a wooden ship they destroy its life.
Those who run into them are diced.
Barnacles can shipwreck your or another’s life.
Ever hear that hurt people, hurt people too?
How can this not be true of me and you.
Difficult to do in the middle and after a painful crisis.
Refuse to feel the pain and anger of being diced.
End up numb and dumb just like ice.
To forever nurse the pain,
Leads to never being free to love again.
We cannot chose to be or not to be hurt by the barnacle like tragedies and people in life.
However, we can chose not to let those experiences make us like a barnacle in another’s life.
To be or not to be a barnacle is the question for tonight.
To feel hurt and anger, but sin not is a difficult fight.
However, it is the biblical way to a better day.
Yet holding on to it and nursing it digs a dark and dreary day.
People, we do this as if it will somehow accomplish something.
But honestly, that choice accomplishes nothing
Sometimes we feel like God has turned his back on us when we make the mistake of confusing the Christian life with the American dream or some unhealthy view of faith.
Path Through Tragic Pain
Based on the book Tragic Redemption by Hiram Johnson
God’s solution for crushing tragedy
is not an offer of a miraculous remedy.
God offers not a formula to eliminate or insulate,
Instead God calls us on the path to participate.
God’s grace transforming our places of humiliation,
such is the journey of tragic redemption.
Wise words, pure and true, meant as a healing too1,
used wrongly are just cruel.
‘What ifs’ only chain us to the past.
Blame games brings healing which does not last.
Naive expectations seek for faith to work like magic.
Yet, by faith we walk through the tragic.
Various addictions help excuse our real condition.
They block the way for helpful consolation.
Tragic pain easily becomes fused into a sick self-identification.
A calloused soul greatly needing tragic redemption.
Tragic feelings deep and real are not the center of the universe,
‘No one knows the trouble I’ve seen’ needs another verse.
Other’s tragedies might not be as bad.
While some are far worse than what we had.
Sucking others into our misery,
creates a path to further insanity.
Locked in by self centered rage,
like a wild animal in a cage.
Bitterness creates an illusion of security and control.
Yet, it will not make one whole.
Sometimes, when we feel that God has turned his back on us, it is because the pain in our lives drives us to ask the question why God allows suffering and evil in the world. It is the result of God taking the risk in giving people free will. We can suffer because of wrong choices that we make and we can suffer because of the wrong choices that others make which impact our life.
I hope what I've shared here is helpful.
jo
Hopeful
I've got some ideas and some questions. It would help us if you filled in your profile with more details like information about the other two disabled relatives. What are their ages and health challenges?
Does your mother and the other two relatives whom I assume live in the same house have any means to help pay for some daytime care? Or would it be possible for you and your sister to contribute to some day time care? If so, then it would be possible for you and your sister to alternate nights as well as the weekends.
What kinds of ideas have you and your husband discussed as possibilities? What ideas has your sister and her husband talked about to deal with this? Sounds like the only way for all four of ya'll to talk at one time for a family meeting would be a conference telephone call which maybe you have already done.
Your mother sounds like she would be readier for assisted living than for a nursing home. Between you and your sister who has Durable and Medical POA for your mother? Who has these POAs of the other two relatives?
It sounds like the candle is being burnt at each end and are not far from meeting in the middle which will be burnout.
I wish that I had more ideas than this and I'm sure others on this thread will have more input for you.
Please keep in touch to see what others will have to suggest and to let us how you are doing.
I just signed up for a "Hope for the Heart" seminar in June on dealing with Dysfunctional Families. I think just me and my friends will end up filling the room. :)
If exhaustion from dealing with the family member's needs don't consume you, then there are the emotional issues that will drown you if you let them. I hope to have these things untangled before my mom is gone.
Cmagnum, a few months ago I got to see the play "Screwtape Letters" (one of my favorite books). The lead actor had memorized the entire book - it was amazing. We loved the play. So much truth packed in so few pages.
Tdennard, my heart goes out to you. You sound so tired. And it is so hard to get perspective that will lead to solutions when you're exhausted. There is much wise counsel on this site.
Emjo, glad to see you back...I have so enjoyed your postings on Jam's thread about how we caregivers are feeling today. And I finally have a name for my mother's behavior all the years I was growing up and beyond. I had been married for over 20 years (during which time I had not lived closer than 300 miles, often much further)when with the help of a 12-step recovery program and a good counselor I finally realized I was NOT at fault when she was displeased with what was happening around her and it was NOT my responsibility to make things better for her. My attitude and life in general became more positive after that! Not all issues have been resolved 20+ years more and 2 years after her passing, maybe never will be, but I can live with that.
Hugs and prayers for all those who are involved in the exhausting quagmire of 24/7 care of loved ones. This site and especially some of the threads can supply information and a place to vent. Relief!
So many have read the Screwtape Letters. Now I am going to have to reread it. - one of my fav books in my early 20s. Where did you find it to download? Don't post an exact URL as it will be deleted.
I love the writings of C.S.Lewis.
Quote "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."
I found some quotes on detachment - Detach yourselves and take on wings (St. Frances Xavier Cabrini)
He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment. (Meister Eckhart )
and one very relevant to our topic here
The monsters of our childhood do not fade away, neither are they ever wholly monstrous. But neither, in my experience, do we ever reach a plane of detachment regarding our parents, however wise and old we may become. To pretend otherwise is to cheat. (John le Carre)
I find that detachment like forgiveness, is an ongoing process, not a destination.
Codependency is at the other end of that stick - where the relationship with another (toxic) person becomes more important than getting one's own needs met. ( a simple definition, I know, but one many of us wrestle with, especially in the world of caregiving.)
TDennard -such a very heavy load. There is a young woman with a husband and a 5t yr old on another thread who wrestles with caring for her dad which she shares with her sister. here is no doubt that it cuts into family time seriously, as does the worry of it all.
Izabella - Yes you do matter! Life is not fair. My mum is always concerned about my sis's health, and makes excuses for her, but does not acknowledge that I have health issues, and still expects me to do things for her that I can't. Please do look after yourself as well as possible. You deserve as much care as you give others. God says to love your neighbour as yourself. (not more than) - your neighbour in this case being your mum. What will happen if you stop doing some of the running around - like checking mum's house daily. If it is not necessary, you CAN say NO to her. It is wearing you out trying to meet her every wish. Please consider what you think is responsible - both to her and to yourself. My mother would have me occupied many hours a day - even though she is in another city (her choice) in an ALF - she tries to enmesh me in her every thought, concern, fear etc. One day I was on email with her from 7:30 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon over endless requests, concerns, demands. Once I retired last year, it all escalated and she felt all my time and energy was hers. I was in tears, and my stress levels was way too high from these daily email sessions -up to and over 20 sometimes. I started having PTSD flashbacks to childhood and I knew I had to change something. So I went for counselling and started emotionally detaching, and separating her "narcissistic" crises from the real ones. In fact she hasn't had any "real" crises. I have refused to respond to the narcissistic ones, and they have slowed down. Whether it is narcissim or dementia of some sort, that person should not be the one who is in charge of your time and energy - you should be - making your own assessments of what needs to be done and decisions. Can you cut out the tasks that are unnecessary? Mum may get a bit upset, but I think if you set boundaries and are firm with them, she will likely adapt. You need boundaries for your own health and also the big responsibility of your family and your son's health. Let tomorrow be a new day - and an easier one for you.
Everyone - so good hearing from you - there is no doubt that sharing this journey makes it more bearable.
love. hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
love, hugs and prayers to all and to all a good night!
Yes, my mother was narcissistic. Once the "light bulb" went on I just thought self-centered and selfish. To the outside world she was helpful, apparently caring and loving. To her family??? My poor dad really had a tough time over the years, because nothing he did suited her idea of what he should do. But to this day, he will not hear a word against her. He was her caretaker right to the very end. Even at a distance I could sense his bewilderment at some of her words and behaviors as she slipped deeper into dementia (probably ALZ). Wish I had known this site during that time, because I might have found some words of encouragement and/or explanation for him.
Izabella does matter!
jo
emjo, love ya and miss ya....
cmag hope you and your new theapist are doing some good work.... this job is hard enough without our brains being scattered all over the past....
hugs to everyone...
ladee - old triggers for parental approval it sounds like - know that one well - good to ID it and put it where it belongs - out of your life. I am sorry for Marie and maybe she isn't feeling well which makes her worse, but we all have choices ...
love
jo
For me, the statements above help us detach from the sick drama that dysfunctional people want to hoover us into. They want us to dance their dance. They want us to feel guilty for how they are. They want us to feel obligated to fix what only they can fix. They want to control us by tricking us in trying to control their dysfunctional personality disorder. Generally speaking, this is how people with a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality operate.
We can't change them, but we can detach with love so that we are dealing with what is the real crisis of their life without getting hoovered into their drama.
While this might sound harsh and a path toward being a calloused person, I find this is how I become more and more seasoned instead of becoming more and more hardened out of bitterness and resentment toward others which in the long run only hurts me. Waiting for others to repent is a waste of my energy that can be better spent.
May we all find more and more freedom from being hoovered into the dark side of dysfunctional personalities knowing their basic hoovering techniques are Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the three tools of emotional blackmail.
I find the same. I know to some drawing firm boundaries may sound harsh, but exhaustion, bitterness, resentment etc are harsh too and draw a person down. We do have limits to what is good/healthy for us. Those with personality disorders are unable to repent I think - they truely do not recognise what they do to others. I forgive, as scripture says I should, and for my own good, not because the other asks for it.
Distinguishing between the "real" needs and crises, as opposed to the narcissistic manipulations takes some practice. In my mother's case many, if not most of the fusses in her life have been narcissistic crises - one's she has created. I am learning not to get hoovered into them.
I am going to post a poem I found called "She let go". It could as well be "He let go". I found it useful.
it touched me...
She let go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Ernest Holmes
Jo, thanks for sharing that poem.
That poem is very true. We must face the reality of the pain and then let it go. Some, like myself, write a letter expressing our pain, read it aloud, burn it in a safe container while praying a prayer of release into God's hands, and then throwing the ashes to the wind.