I do appreciate everyone's comments and will be trying to implement some of your suggestions. I do want to say however that I did not appreciate the comments that I should go to marriage counseling or even leave my husband. My husband does all he can to help take care of my mom. they have a wonderful relationship. Mom however does not like to ask him to do anything in regards to her personal care or providing meals, drinks etc. She relies on me for those things and expects me to do it. She has become self - centered, self-absorbed, and downright selfish over the last few years and is getting worse. These are all behaviors to point toward dementia. She has many of the symptoms of dementia but that definitive diagnosis is necessary before I can do anything that she is not willing to do. He is not supportive of her going to a nursing home because he does not approve or support that issue. He does not believe in them at all. He believes that families take care of families. He also does not realize how much it affect me. I have depression and anxiety as well as my physical issues. My physical issues are mainly my diabetes and now with history of stroke and possible cardiac issues. I also have ulcers and gerd/acid reflux. Anyone who suffers from 1 or more of these same issues are aware that they all react to stress, they all can and often do interact with each other to make one or more sometimes all worse. I do have to be honest and say that my depression is better, I don't have time to be depressed. That does not even begin to cover medications and how they interact with each other. So yes I am very aware that my own health is getting worse. I am very aware that I cannot continue to take care of my mom if I want to get my health under control.. I am seeking help, I am trying to rectify the situation but most of the time that is easier said than done.
Questions to challenge this Husband.
Q1 What does 'families taking care of families' actually mean? Does it mean the family must physically do all the care work with their own hands? Or can they hire extra help?
Q2 What if there are no adult daughters? Would the adult sons do the hands-on care?
Q3 What if ALL the adult children were themselves unwell (had a stroke, cancer etc)? Would the next gen be pulled out of college, not allowed to marry, lead their own life, must take on a full-time care role instead?
Q4 What if paying for 24 in-home care is just not possible?
Q5 Who will take on the care of your Mother if/when you are ill?
Having a belief system & values is admirable.
Adding flexibility & being practical is also needed.
Arrange a backup for yourself THIS WEEK, regardless of what your Mother & Husband say. To get your stress down.
From the little I know so far they are both willing to throw you under a bus for their own wishes. (Hope I am wrong).
Yes, this is how it is for all of us caregivers, and the strategy to preserve ourselves is the same: you must make a significant change that:
- will not "feel" good (at first) i.e. guilt/sadness/shame
- will anger/upset LOs who disagree with or are disappointed in you/your decision (fyi they will get over it)
You must muscle through this because there literally is no other solution to preventing your mental/emotional burnout and trashing your health. Your body is ready but your emotions are not yet ready. This is where a counselor can be extremely helpful. May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
2. A big source of your health problems is stress.
Ergo, you need to reduce stress.
3. You are a full time caregiver to your mom with probable dementia.
4. Full time caregiving of a dementia patient is very stressful.
Ergo, you experience a great deal of stress.
5. You have asked your mother to temporarily relocate to a NH so you can get your health under control.
6. Your mother refuses your request.
7. Your husband disapproves of this request.
Ergo, a NH is not going to happen, because you don't seem to be able to place mom without permission of both her and your husband.
8. You need to reduce stress in order to improve your health.
9. Stress reduction techniques exist.
Ergo, you need to research and try stress reduction techniques, i.e., meditation, exercise, affirmations, counseling.