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I tried to post a few days ago, but I don’t think the page was working correctly. But I want to thank everyone for all of their kind words in regards to my mother‘s passing. This summer has been the worst time ever as far as stress with her goes. The idea that once you put your family member in a nursing home and everything will be fine is a fallacy. I had no idea that my mother could still be potentially unsafe in a nursing home. But when you have someone who is so agitated that they literally need one-to-one care and the nursing home only has one nurse +2 aids for the entire unit, That creates an unsafe situation. I lived on pins and needles the entire time she was on hospice, because the nursing home was ready to send her somewhere else.
but she was too sick for geriatric psych, and she still wouldn’t receive one to one even in a memory care. But I’m so thankful for Hospice and their skill with changing medications and finding a plan that mostly worked. They also ran interference with the facility when they were getting upset.
I feel like I’ve been to war. I find myself worrying about things related to her care or her finances, and then I remember I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
The next things to do are clearing out her hoarded house and estate stuff. That will be work and I’m not looking forward to it but it’s definitely not acutely stressful.
I have learned so much on this board that helped me with everything these last two years and nine months that I was dealing with my mother. I definitely plan to lurk and hope that I can help someone else in their situation.

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I am so very sorry for your loss. I had glimpsed the start, lost the thread & have been looking for it for days.

I hope some of the crises stage feel has left now. Hopefully time to be kind to yourself. Stuff can wait. That's been one of my slogans this year. When the death admin was too much, the banks too hard to deal with, the clearing out.. Sometimes I remind myself - that is all *stuff*. I run a hot bath or listen to music instead for a while.
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I'm glad you'll be staying around. Your experiences are invaluable to both newbies and those who have been caregiving for a while or multiple times.

So much of the approved "canned" advice that we get from internet, dementia associations, family members, and organizations like AARP is simply not true. Or it might be true in some cases but not all, but they don't tell us that. For instance, right now I feel bombarded with info about multigenerational living so you never have to put mummy and daddy in one of those terrible "homes." Build a tiny house in your back yard for daddy! Even though he's 95, and your taxes will go up, and you'll have to be running back and forth from your house to the tiny house to change his Depends every two hours! Or create a granny flat in your attic for mummy! So what if there are stairs she wont be able to climb within two years from now! You'll get a stairlift! But by then mummy has dementia and won't use it!

We are in the trenches with our family members and can and should tell the truth about what caregiving is like, how it ends up, and what to do what to do. It might save others from making the same mistakes as we did.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your mother ❤️ Thank you for your help and kind words when I was caring for my mom in home hospice. I’ve now completed cleaning out my mom’s house that had 4 households worth of stuff in it (literally). It feels like an insurmountable task but you will get through it in time.
Yes, it does feel like having been through a war. It’s been well over a year for me now and I still have moments when I suddenly think I need to check on her. Please take good care of yourself. You have been through an awful lot and it will take time to grieve and heal. I wish you all the best as you begin a new chapter in life.
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Oedgar, this is late, but my condolences on the passing of your mother.

I agree about your gratitude for this forum. The advice shared here is a like a lifeboat in a storm. Please stay if you can.

Also agree that even when someone moves to ALF or MC, they are not in a turnkey environment where all is being taken care of. You say you find you are worrying about aspects of her care, then realize you no longer need to do that. Yep. I had that same feeling when my dad passed. I think it just reveals how consuming these aspects are - even when you do not realize it in the moment.

Take care of you, your life, your wellbeing.
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Yup I got the really thick dark contractor bags too . Once the trash is out first , I felt like some satisfaction and progress was made . It made it easier to then tackle the sentimentals while on the momentum and high from the trash purge .
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Good advice. I also recommend the thick contractors black trash bags. I’ve found them important because once something goes in one you can’t see it again. Cuts way down on the second guessing and doubt
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I followed the exact same system of cleaning out belongings , furnishings etc . Brought paperwork and photos home . It worked well .

I then hired a house cleaning service and carpet cleaners to come in before listing the house for sale . I had done enough , as I did the cleaning out all by myself . 4 siblings no help . They each got a box of things they wanted .
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You went above and beyond .
Your mother was lucky she had you to look after her . So glad that hospice was able to run interference , and get Mom less agitated so she could remain at her facility and be in less distress. It is so stressful when there is doubt that there is a facility willing to take or keep LO .
And you are correct , placing a LO in a facility does not solve all problems .

Treat yourself . Perhaps hire help to assist with the cleaning out of her home .
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That cleaning out, harden yourself. I cleaned out a 125 yr old 4 bedroom farm house. You get rid of the trash first. Then work on a room at a time. I had 3 siblings. I bought those moving boxes with tops and handles. They each had one. As I found something that was theirs or they may like I put it in the box. Leave important papers and photos to sort thru at home. We had a local thrift store at the time. They got a lot of donations. I used habitat for humanity too.

Try not to get sentimental. It took a cousin of mine 5 yrs to clean out her Moms home because she could not part with her Moms things. Another cousin said my Aunt had about 30 prs of shoes and purses my cousin just could not get rid of. If your not sure about something put it aside. Your main job is clearing out that house and getting it ready to sell.
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You’ve learned what so many of us have in caregiving, there’s no perfect solution no matter what we do. You did the best you could for your mother, no one could ask for more, and she was blessed by your efforts even if she never understood it. Time for healing and rest, and I with you much of both. Glad you’ll stick around, your hard won wisdom will be a great help and guide to others
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After what you've been through, clearing out her house and doing estate stuff will be small potatoes. You've got this.

Just wishing you all the best, hope you have many happy healthy years ahead of you. And yes, please stick around.
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Fellow "lurker" here! This forum has done a lot for me too.I don't know how I would've survived if I didn't find this place. I call it a Godsend! Coming back sometimes brings back things but it not only helps others but it heals,too! I've recommended this site to many people!! I've even seen people get overwhelmed and say thank you! Good luck with the final details and I'm glad you didn't have sell while in the midst of everything else going on. Don't underestimate the job ahead of you, take it slowly, find someone to finish it if it becomes too much. PS I'm still waking up thinking that I should call my mom, been almost 2 years now. I don't think it's ever over but the relief is amazing!
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We'd be so lucky to have you stay, Oedgar! Heal well. Be at peace.
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I'm so glad you found help and support on this forum. Yes, please lurk here to give others your hard-earned knowledge from your personal experience with your Mom. May you receive peace in your heart as you settle her estate and recover your daily life.
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