I tried to post a few days ago, but I don’t think the page was working correctly. But I want to thank everyone for all of their kind words in regards to my mother‘s passing. This summer has been the worst time ever as far as stress with her goes. The idea that once you put your family member in a nursing home and everything will be fine is a fallacy. I had no idea that my mother could still be potentially unsafe in a nursing home. But when you have someone who is so agitated that they literally need one-to-one care and the nursing home only has one nurse +2 aids for the entire unit, That creates an unsafe situation. I lived on pins and needles the entire time she was on hospice, because the nursing home was ready to send her somewhere else.
but she was too sick for geriatric psych, and she still wouldn’t receive one to one even in a memory care. But I’m so thankful for Hospice and their skill with changing medications and finding a plan that mostly worked. They also ran interference with the facility when they were getting upset.
I feel like I’ve been to war. I find myself worrying about things related to her care or her finances, and then I remember I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
The next things to do are clearing out her hoarded house and estate stuff. That will be work and I’m not looking forward to it but it’s definitely not acutely stressful.
I have learned so much on this board that helped me with everything these last two years and nine months that I was dealing with my mother. I definitely plan to lurk and hope that I can help someone else in their situation.
I hope some of the crises stage feel has left now. Hopefully time to be kind to yourself. Stuff can wait. That's been one of my slogans this year. When the death admin was too much, the banks too hard to deal with, the clearing out.. Sometimes I remind myself - that is all *stuff*. I run a hot bath or listen to music instead for a while.
So much of the approved "canned" advice that we get from internet, dementia associations, family members, and organizations like AARP is simply not true. Or it might be true in some cases but not all, but they don't tell us that. For instance, right now I feel bombarded with info about multigenerational living so you never have to put mummy and daddy in one of those terrible "homes." Build a tiny house in your back yard for daddy! Even though he's 95, and your taxes will go up, and you'll have to be running back and forth from your house to the tiny house to change his Depends every two hours! Or create a granny flat in your attic for mummy! So what if there are stairs she wont be able to climb within two years from now! You'll get a stairlift! But by then mummy has dementia and won't use it!
We are in the trenches with our family members and can and should tell the truth about what caregiving is like, how it ends up, and what to do what to do. It might save others from making the same mistakes as we did.
Yes, it does feel like having been through a war. It’s been well over a year for me now and I still have moments when I suddenly think I need to check on her. Please take good care of yourself. You have been through an awful lot and it will take time to grieve and heal. I wish you all the best as you begin a new chapter in life.
I agree about your gratitude for this forum. The advice shared here is a like a lifeboat in a storm. Please stay if you can.
Also agree that even when someone moves to ALF or MC, they are not in a turnkey environment where all is being taken care of. You say you find you are worrying about aspects of her care, then realize you no longer need to do that. Yep. I had that same feeling when my dad passed. I think it just reveals how consuming these aspects are - even when you do not realize it in the moment.
Take care of you, your life, your wellbeing.
I then hired a house cleaning service and carpet cleaners to come in before listing the house for sale . I had done enough , as I did the cleaning out all by myself . 4 siblings no help . They each got a box of things they wanted .
Your mother was lucky she had you to look after her . So glad that hospice was able to run interference , and get Mom less agitated so she could remain at her facility and be in less distress. It is so stressful when there is doubt that there is a facility willing to take or keep LO .
And you are correct , placing a LO in a facility does not solve all problems .
Treat yourself . Perhaps hire help to assist with the cleaning out of her home .
Try not to get sentimental. It took a cousin of mine 5 yrs to clean out her Moms home because she could not part with her Moms things. Another cousin said my Aunt had about 30 prs of shoes and purses my cousin just could not get rid of. If your not sure about something put it aside. Your main job is clearing out that house and getting it ready to sell.
Just wishing you all the best, hope you have many happy healthy years ahead of you. And yes, please stick around.