My mom has a terminal illness. She lives alone, by choice. She was diagnosed five months ago at the same time my father died. My father had a long illness - she was his primary caregiver with myself being the backup. I had many ups and downs emotionally during his illness- my mom would not entertain the idea of long term care and he needed it. I am a nurse and often felt used and painted into a corner because of my profession. I was told I needed to live my life and “not worry” yet the call would come, always on a weekend and late at night that there was a problem. I would be left with no reasonable option but to go and trouble shoot, escort to ER, etc.
And now here I am- with my mom. I feel exhausted, angry, always waiting for the next problem. I feel like whatever enjoyable relationship we had is gone. I have a sibling and their spouse who does about 1/18 of the heavy lifting. Everything I’ve asked my mom to address, she has blatantly ignored. Things like please don’t walk on the ice to get mail or take out trash- doesn’t anyway. I’ve explained an injury is preventable. Ignores me. I pay personally for all hotels needed for her appointments, gas, meals. If my sibling takes her- my mom pays. She has written a will that makes me the executor that also instructs me to give the sibling 75% of estate as that person “needs it” (I am married to a lawyer with no children”.). I feel used. I feel I’ve lost years of my life to caregiving. I’ve cancelled vacations out of guilt to stay home because my sibling went ahead and booked at the same time knowing I’ll also be gone.
has anyone else been in this place? Sad. Miserable. Bitter. But also knowing you are losing someone so close to you? I don’t know how to manage this so I can spend time with my mom without being so angry. My whole life has become managing someone else’s issues while they make no effort to do for themselves.
You ARE being used.
And you ARE allowing yourself to be used.
I, too, was an RN. It taught me what could NOT be done by me as a caregiver. I wish it had done that for you, but apparently it did not.
When you wish this to stop you will stop it, and meanwhile you must accept that your choice to continue is your choice. I can easily write out what should now be done in one paragraph:
You tell Mom you are coming over and have important things to discuss with her. When you arrive you sit down and tell her how much you loved Dad and how much you love her. You then tell her "BUT, mom, I cannot continue as I have been in being your caregiver. I am sorry. You need now to consider entering are so that you have the support, the transportation, and etc that you need. If you need to go to the ER you will have, in future, to call an ambulance to be transported there. If you have appointments you will have to arrange for them and arrange the transport. If you need help to stay at home that help will have to be hired. If you cannot manage that I will help you to see an attorney about spending down to the point you can get placement under medicaid. I am so sorry for your dire diagnosis. I cannot be your unpaid caregiver. I have a job and a life I must attend to. I will visit, and I am your loving daughter. But I cannot be your caregiver, your transportation, you household help, your everything."
You will then leave her to digest that. Much will depend upon her assets. My neighbor recently lost his wife. He himself is failing. He has a daughter who lives on his property. But he ALSO has hired help three days a week and is minimally dependent on his daughter and son-in-law.
Don't expect happiness here; you can't be responsible for it and it is non existant now. This is about dying, about aging, about helplessness and about who will BE the help. The emotion needs to be taken out of it so that arrangements can be made.
I am so sorry for your loss, and for this dire diagnosis. But your mom has had her long life. And you really cannot throw your own life on her burning funeral pyre unless that truly is your choice. If you need help with this consider a few visits to a good in-person cognitive therapist to work out your choices and options.
That may lead to a major crisis, for her and for you. You need to be prepared with details of an alternative for her, that does not include relying so much on you. Tell her that your “whole life has become managing someone else’s issues while they make no effort to do for themselves”. See how she reacts – she may not have seen it that way before!
Your mother says and does hurtful things — how could someone on the receiving end not feel at least a little bit angry? I know I certainly would.
It does seem to come back to you deciding to set boundaries.