The change in my relationship with my mother (living with me since November 2017) is something that needed to happen years ago.
Growing up, I was affirmed for not being needy, so I never expected my needs to be met. My mother wanted me to be like her, and we are opposites, so there was pressure for me to deny my natural God-given personality. I tried to please her by adopting her behaviors even though they made me feel like an imposter. I was given the silent treatment or shamed when I attempted to veer off of what was the expected and approved trajectory, so I worked to stay in good graces and denied my own independent feelings. An attempt at boundaries or privacy were seen as a betrayal, so I allowed my parents to run my life even after I was married with children. I had very little self-worth because I was constantly compared with others who were held up to me as being better, smarter, etc.
I am now a recovering pleaser.
Being my mother's caregiver has forced me to stop being afraid of her constant criticism.
There was an actual breaking point that happened several years ago. My mother had always been able to reduce me to tears by criticizing me or screaming at me. Then one day, she did just that - she screamed at me and I broke down in tears....and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It was my responsibility to remove myself from her authority and to stop seeking her approval and affirmation. After 60 years it had become exhausting. So, I took a step back and in that moment a switch flipped.
I no longer need her approval. When she criticizes me, it no longer upsets me. It's been very freeing and if I had not been her caregiver, it may never have happened.
What an amazing question, needs help! I've learned, in my early 60s to start planning your aging years now, to make plans, to make my aging years be as independent as I can.
To makes sure what you need is on the main floor. Bedroom, bathroom, laundry room.....
Next thing I'm going to start nagging my husband about is a walk in shower.
I have our being laid to rest, figured out what we both want , in the cheapest way for us.
For me I figured out that quality of life is more important than quantity.
I'm sure I'll have more to add later, huh I may have not of read that question right. But I'll post this anyways. I think my brain went to what I've learned from my parents that I want to do differently
Learning to say “No “ was necessary but not taken well by LO’s . Don’t back down when they tell you that you can’t say “NO” to them because they are your parent .
From one recovering people pleaser to another ….. I do hope you are relieved from your long time of caregiving soon.
Growing up, I was affirmed for not being needy, so I never expected my needs to be met.
My mother wanted me to be like her, and we are opposites, so there was pressure for me to deny my natural God-given personality. I tried to please her by adopting her behaviors even though they made me feel like an imposter.
I was given the silent treatment or shamed when I attempted to veer off of what was the expected and approved trajectory, so I worked to stay in good graces and denied my own independent feelings.
An attempt at boundaries or privacy were seen as a betrayal, so I allowed my parents to run my life even after I was married with children.
I had very little self-worth because I was constantly compared with others who were held up to me as being better, smarter, etc.
I am now a recovering pleaser.
Being my mother's caregiver has forced me to stop being afraid of her constant criticism.
There was an actual breaking point that happened several years ago. My mother had always been able to reduce me to tears by criticizing me or screaming at me. Then one day, she did just that - she screamed at me and I broke down in tears....and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It was my responsibility to remove myself from her authority and to stop seeking her approval and affirmation. After 60 years it had become exhausting. So, I took a step back and in that moment a switch flipped.
I no longer need her approval. When she criticizes me, it no longer upsets me. It's been very freeing and if I had not been her caregiver, it may never have happened.
Learning to say ‘No.’ is essential.
Anxiety,
Sounds like you have put a great plan into action.
I've learned, in my early 60s to start planning your aging years now, to make plans, to make my aging years be as independent as I can.
To makes sure what you need is on the main floor. Bedroom, bathroom, laundry room.....
Next thing I'm going to start nagging my husband about is a walk in shower.
I have our being laid to rest, figured out what we both want , in the cheapest way for us.
For me I figured out that quality of life is more important than quantity.
I'm sure I'll have more to add later, huh I may have not of read that question right. But I'll post this anyways. I think my brain went to what I've learned from my parents that I want to do differently
New caregivers will certainly learn from your experiences.
I am interested in hearing from new posters as well. Please tell us how you are learning to cope in your situation.