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I had a rare visit from a sibling yesterday. She suggested Mom maybe needs to be told all is well within the family and to let her know I am tied down caring for her, that its time to go see "dad" etc. Honestly I was shocked. I never say "dont leave me mom" but I just cannot do that. Get the entire picture here... My mom hasnt walked or talked in about 5 years, is on puree food, and incontinent. There is no money involved, its long gone. Yes she is with me and yes I can still get her to smile and laugh. Anyone ever think of such a thing? I try to put myself in others shoes and I cannot imagine someone saying that to me. Very disturbed and confused here.

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My mom had been failing and hospice thought she might be practicing to die. This is not uncommon. I told her while she was awake that it was OK if she was tired and ready to be done.

Mom has a very strong belief in an after life. She grew up in a church that sang hymns that were primarily about how fantastic it is to die and be taken to heaven. Everybody spent every living moment regretting Jesus didn't come overnight. Death is not something she fears. She's grown up in anticipation.

I think you have to know the person quite well to gauge their state of mind and feeling about the situation. You yourself have to be selfless enough to let them go. It's going to happen sometime and I personally don't want my kids dragging it out when it's my turn. Especially if I'm bedfast and my body wants to shut down.

Mom decided not to go and is still here to this day.
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When my uncle made it clear that he wanted to die I let him know that it was OK, that I would be OK and I thanked him for being such a wonderful part of my life. If the person wants to go I do not see the harm in telling them it is okay. If they are in the dying process but are struggling to hold to life I think it is okay also, sometimes it is what they need. The timing for something like this is completely personal though and only you can determine when it is time for you to tell her, if you ever do.
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My dad had vascular dementia and a right brain stroke after being dropped in a NHrehab. My husband and children all agreed to bring him home as rehab was no longer progressing. He wss on a gi peg tube feed (dysphagia prrvented swallowing after the fall) we had 2x week ot and pt he became rigid but we bought a geri chair and kept dad central in the l8ving living room with all of us ..and the open window to see the sky and nature. Thanksgiving we had Dad at the head of the table w us and one close family friend and his 12.5 yr old boxer always at his side. He was able to eat a bite of mashed potatoes and fresh sweet potato. Later in the evening we sat w Dad and his eyes were losing the brightness and sparkle. His body became cold ..not cold but icy like in a freezer but he had no fever or chills. He was zoning out but we held his hands for a few hours and hugged him huddled in blankets . Children were asleep
My husband and i hugged him more and we both told him to please dont worry about us any more. We love you and we are safe please let go if you want and be in heaven w mom and (my younger brother ) we went to thr kitchen and sat about 10 mins..walked back to the living room and he had gone peacefully. I love Dad annd our house feels so empty but his spirit is here. There are no real words that can describe how he just left his body. .im sorry this is so hard to write but my Dad is at peace. ♡
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I think it is OK to tell them it is alright to go but not the part about you being tied down caring for her, that just sounds too much like "hurry up and go so I can have my life back". And I think it is usually something said when the dying process has begun, not for someone in the never ending holding pattern your mom is in.
I think it sounds as though your sister has been reading too many online advice sites. If sis truly feels mom is fighting to hang on she might want to explore a little further why that might be. Is she afraid to go? Does she need a visit from a spiritual advisor? Does she have some other unfinished business?
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My mom was admitted as an emergency food poisoning (actually perforated bowel) and became septic and then comatose. She went through 2 colon surgeries and 48 straight hours of dialysis as multiple organs failed; then her EEG flat-lined. She lasted for 5 days while we tried every medical procedure they could think of. My siblings and I told her it was ok to go when we saw if she did awaken what a horrible quality of life she would have and the exact opposite of what she told us she wanted not 2 weeks before the crisis. She kept breathing until my husband and son finally arrived after driving 300 miles to see her. Once all her family members had come to see her, her heart stopped and we could enact her DNR.
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Yes MM, I do agree with that but when Moms still awake, maybe doesnt understand much but still here. When I ask her for a kiss she puckers up, that tells me part of her is still in there.
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I might say that to a loved one who was unconscious. I can't ever pure having that "conversation".

My mom said that to her sister. She was comatose from morphine and in the hospital dying. She was gone in just a few minutes. Mom always thought she helped her leave.
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