Hello all,
I am new here, and in need of some support. My 88 year old mother has been living with my brother and his wife in a different state than I am in for almost 5 years. They have never really gotten along, but for the past couple of years it has gotten worse, and in the past month it boiled over and my brother has reached a breaking point and told my mom she had to leave. My husband and I have decided to take her in to live with us. I don't know if we are making the right decision or not. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't at least try. I have so many questions about how to prepare for this and what to expect. With the Covid-19, we cannot get mom until at least mid-August, so we have a little time to prepare. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you

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Just read your post and as it’s been a few months I was wondering if you would give us an update?

How are things going?

I really wish you would rethink this. The other poster was right to say there is a REASON your brother wants her out. If it was as simple as you are making it out to be she would still be there.

Are you prepared for the following
to have your life completely turned upside down.
to lose all your privacy
to never go on vacation while mom is still with you
to miss important events because mom can't be alone
to give up seeing all your friends
to have to cancel plans because whoever said they would be with mom bailed or can't deal with the situation.
to have to everything in your life revolve around mom and her needs
to lose your house as a peaceful retreat
to have to take on more 'personal' care of another adult
to have that same adult not appreciate anything you do for them
to lose intimacy with spouse
to lose doing anything spontaneously
to not being able to go anywhere unless you bring mom
to having to leave early because you brought mom

While everyone may be on board now, it is truly because they have no idea what they are getting into. My guess is that within 6 months of mom moving in, all your kids move out.

Honestly you should be prepared for the worst case scenario. Be prepared for your kids to move out and leave you & your husband to take care of your mother yourself. That’s why you need to know what the average day caring for her entails. Are you comfortable changing her depends? Comfortable bathing her? Can you handle a poop explosion? And by that I mean, poop all over her, her bed or chair, the floor, the walls. Poop everywhere. Can you handle having her wander at night? Can you handle all of her needs coming first? Moving her in will absolutely have a negative impact on your marriage and your children may or may not distance themselves. Sad but true. Are you familiar with show timing and sundowning? Your mother might put on a show and act normal during the day in front of others but at night, she might become a whole other person who is combative, screams and makes your life hell. I agree with lealonnie. There is a reason your brother is throwing in the towel. He’s telling you he can’t do it anymore. It’s great that you have family members willing to help out but what I have learned from this forum is that you can’t count on them forever. You need a backup plan.

Thank you, boy do I need and want to hear this! Even though it is very tough for me. I'm scared, can't lie. And confused. Don't know what the right or wrong thing to do is.

Yes, we had a family meeting this week. We are all in agreement about her coming to live here, we are also in agreement that it isn't going to be easy. When it comes down to it, my kids are 25, 24 and 22. They won't be here much longer. It falls on me and my husband. What can I expect, what should prepare us for?

Listen, your brother is kicking your mother out for a reason. You are just unaware of that reason.

"Early onset dementia" can be an oxy-moron.........I've heard people use that phrase and in the next breath, say things like their loved one is playing with their own feces after ripping off their Depends at night and wandering out the door into the street.

You say your mother sits in a back room day in & day out by herself. If that were true, she'd be no problem whatsoever and your brother would have no reason to be asking her to leave. She pays him a monthly fee for living there, which he will now he's asking her to leave, again, for a reason. You are attributing her 'negativity' to being alone all the time, but in reality, severe negativity can be a symptom of dementia. Just ask me. I know. My 93 year old mother is THE most negative human being who's ever lived and she's now in the moderate state of dementia & living in the Memory Care section of an Assisted Living home here in town.

Watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to get an idea of how to handle elders with dementia. She has lots of them and they are entertaining as well as informative. Know what you'll be facing. It's commonplace for folks with dementia to be VERY VERY argumentative about EVERYTHING. My mother will argue with herself in an effort to be contrary. No matter what I say, she says the opposite. When I agree, she then changes her mind to disagree with me. She's also mostly deaf & refuses hearing aids, which just adds to the frustrating mess that goes on with her. But hey, she's in assisted living and I don't have to deal with the 3000 issues a day that she comes up with. She's incontinent (which is very common with dementia) and wets the bed even WITH Depends at least 3x a week, needs help getting dressed, showered, and with all activities of daily life. She's not capable of doing much of anything for herself at all; she was diagnosed in 2016 and has been progressively declining ever since, although she recognizes me and her grandchildren, etc.

Log onto to learn all about dementia and what to expect. I love that website, it's really a good one. The 36 Hour Day is an excellent book to read as well. Keep reading posts here on Aging Care as well as articles written and posted on the subject. Keep in mind that dementia often reaches a point where you cannot handle it at home, and placement must be considered.

Have a heart to heart talk with your brother to find out what's really going on. Tell him to unload on you...........tell you exactly why he's asked her to leave so you'll know what your signing up for. Please do that, and ask him to be honest.

Good luck!

Have you had a family meeting with the family members living under your roof? You can’t assume everyone will help out. Honestly before you make the decision, you need to know exactly what level of care your mother requires and you need to discuss it with your spouse and the adult children living in your home. You ALL need to know what you are in for. Don’t be surprised if your children decide not to help. And don’t be surprised if your mother’s attitude doesn’t change. Moving her to your home may not be a magic pill.

Mom had lung cancer 17 years ago, it's been in remission, osteoporosis of the spine, early onset of dementia. She pays my brother monthly living expenses. She receives social security, my dad's pension (he passes 3 years ago), and a small amount of her own from stocks. She also has a little nest egg in the bank. I have a sister that will not be involved. I have 3 adult children that live with me. We are all very close and they will help out as much as they can.

As much as I can tell, my mom sits in a back room day in and day out by herself. She barely sees anyone, barely talks to anyone. When she sees my brother, they argue. She has become very negative, but I attribute that to her being along all of the time. Am I possibly not looking at that the right way? I don't want go into this with my eyes closed either.

What are your mother's medical conditions? What is involved in being her 24/7 caregiver? Will your brother tell you the truth? (He might try to minimize your mother's deficits so you won't refuse to take her in.)

Is she paying your brother anything for rent/utilities/food/clothing, etc.? For caregiving? What is her financial situation?

Are there any other siblings?

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