Torn between feeling like its my responsibility to take care of my mother and feeling extremely resentful because I feel like I didnt have a mother in the sense once should be! My 3 siblings said to do whatever they wont help. Have any of you faced the same dilemma? Isnt it funny how these feelings resurface and hurt 10 fold when the missing parent wants to rely on you?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Here is what therapist Pauline Boss writes about this situation:

"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver. ... Each case is different, but with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."

Your aging mother doesn't need you -- she needs someone, and you can help ensure she as someone who will be paid to care for her. Help her apply for Medicaid if appropriate. Help her select a facility. Advocate for her. But do not feel required to provide hands-on day-to-day care. Littletonway has given you good advice.

Sorry you are in this situation. In my opinion, you have no responsibility. Your siblings obviously feel the same. If your Mother is in need of full time care, start looking for a facility that can handle her needs. Do not sign anything saying you are responsible for payment. You might want to contact an elder care lawyer to have everything set up properly.

I cannot imagine the stress you must feel but that will only get worse if you accept the caregiving role for a person who was not there for you and apparently felt no responsibility to her children. No where is it written you must give up your physical and emotional wellbeing to care for anyone (that is my mantra). You can love them and see that they are safe but that does not mean in your home. It certainly does not mean you do the caregiving.

Check other discussions here about this very same thing. I am sure others who have been through this will have great advice and support for you. When there have been hard feelings in the past, caregiving will just cause them to multiply.

Wishing you all the best!

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter