Prayes to all of you who took care of your mother. I wish I was. I lost my full time and part time job to go take care of her and a non profit got gaurdainship since she got made at me for being there taking care of her. She tought she would be left alone if I was gone. Now she wants to be with me an it is too late for her. I wish I was able to be near her to see her for her last days before the dementia gets worse. She is two year into it. I miss my mom and love her so much. I am now able to help my sister by living with her and feel I may not be making much money and am away from my daughter due to this move but I have the time I can with my sister. My sister is termnial and so I am luck to have the time with her that I do have. I hope my mom can some how get up to be with me and get some time before her mind totally goes. Be thankful for the time you had with them and know that you all have done what is best for your parents. Know you now can live your life with the good memories you created with them when they were here with you. Peace to all.
This is a really great question!!! Knowing that it takes at elast 3 years to pull oneself back together, is a light at the end of the tunnel! Emjo, bless you! If you can do it at your age, with your Mom being 100 [!!!!], and have managed to prevent her from moving in with you, and have set limits on her use of you, that is a huge WIN! IMHO, all who even try to do care-giving, are Heroes! EVEN on good days, or when elders are otherwise nice to be around, it takes lots out of a person, just having the responsibility of that elder under their roof, because one has to keep thoughts in mind of caring for the elder at all times. When there are mental issues, be they new or old and on-going, just makes it that much more "special". I have been care-giving nearly all my life, to one degree or another. But my mental-Mom, living with us for 6 years, nearly did me in for the last time--straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak dealing not only with the drama of transporting and hospicing her DH, caring for him 3 months longer than anyone thot he'd live, with all Mom's life-long issues, then her worsening mental/emotional state that ended up with her achieving "cutting me from her herd" as she'd been trying to do for decades....she finally did it. On top of dealing with my own DH and his issues/emergency surgery/ongoing care and behaviors, our kids troubles and issues ....well, guessing the Creator figured piling it up on some folks plates has a purpose. SO right--gotta take care of self, first. I totally lost sight of that notion so long ago. For the 1st time in my life, am trying to do that. Lots of hard work; not raised to know how to do that. Tonite, I worked up gumption to call an old co-worker, and talk about things from that job, that had impacted all of us there....and learned that part of my problem, was thinking I was the only target at that office....she told me, "no, everyone there was a target of the boss's brain injuries--not just you!" Wow. Coulda knocked me over with a feather--was so glad to understand that! Now, to process that, and translate that to other aspects of life.... [[Mom had brain injuries too, was abused as a child, and by subsequent spouses + alcohol+mental troubles from youth on, that family failed to get her help for, so she avoided help all her life. ]] EVERYONE in her life was affected by her behaviors, not all in good ways --good ways meant paying the price of her bad ways. LOTS to process. Will I recover my life? Hearing it can take 3 years to deal with, is probly right--- THAT gives me hope. The question and answers that followed, showed up in my email right about the time I was beginning to wonder if it was hopeless to even try finding the shattered pieces left from Mom's whammies before she got moved in with another relative. ===I truly appreciate all the sharing here! === It is helping me get a grip on life again. It has been a lifeline We're in a huge boat, all trying to paddle; having people talking about these things, helps keep the boat going in a more positive direction, instead of circles. And it keeps giving hope. Thank you!
My Mom is 91 almost 92. Even though I am her caregiver and she is living in an Independent Home, I am working part-time. I think everyone needs an outlet. I know when Mom needs more care, I will have to quit or cut down hours. I tutor home schoolers ,so I can have a flexible schedule. You have to take care of yourself first before taking care of others! It took me a long time to realize this! I am in process of dealing with reduced VA benefits and am constantly working to get more of her benefits...long story! I have been working on this for 2 years! Find crafts to do, read, support group, or find a fun part-time job. It definately helps!
Good topic. I care for my mother in my home. 24/7. I do have some help as by law I cannot put in more than 62 hours myself for her care. My daughter picks up the additional hours. These hours are paid for through her insurance that would normally have to pay for a nursing facility. So even though we are on 24/7 I do get paid for some of my time and it goes without saying I would do it anyway. pay or not. Here is where I get really scared and then feel guilty for thinking about it. My mom is by bread and butter so as to speak. SO if something happens to her my income is done, gone kaput. Its a scary thought. Not only do I lose my mom but also my entire income. My husband works but it is literally 1/2 of the household income I would lose. I do some freelance reporting for my one horse town newspaper (a few bucks each month) It helps me stay sane and sorta connected with other adults and my community. I have to look at it realistically but also feel very guilty for even thinking about it. I hope to find something that would allow me to make money, still be at home part of the time and yet make me feel like a part of society. Now I feel quite disconnected with the community I call it my hole. I never hear anything that happens around town unless its on Facebook...lol
Anyway, I am not sure about what my future holds. Hope i don't find out for a long time yet....I do need more adult/outside world friendships. This website has been great since I found it two weeks ago.
Great topic. I lost my job in 2010 of 15years and have had a few freelance jobs here and there, but in all honesty it was for the best in my case because I was able to care for my Mommy. She passed on 12/27/12 and right now I'm trying to figure what to do with my life. I've taken care of everyone else except me and now I have no idea what to do. I would love to volunteer as some of you suggested, but I don't have any financial backing and need to work. Also, when I do try to change careers at non-profits, they won't even give me the time of day because of my background. Advertising/marketing. You would think this would be good background for a nonprofit, but they don't see it that way. I'm also trying to re-invent myself but I honestly don't know where to start... and at 55 there aren't many opportunities. What opportunities do you do from home aerick54? I have all the necessary items needed to work from home, but I've not found anything that would pay me more than unemployment which will only last another 4 months. Thanks for all the input and good luck everyone.
First of all, a BIG TEXAS SIZE hug to all caregivers! Believe me I know what you are going through. Been there, done that and am doing it again with my second spouse. One of the things I found after losing my first spouse to Alzheimer's Disease was to get involved with other going through that devastating disease. It really helped and then I met my second spouse and we were married almost five years ago. Now, he suffers from a type of dementia brought on by a heart disease. We enjoyed some wonderful years, did some traveling and visited museums and art galleries (which we both love). Then he was hospitalized and drs. said I could not bring him home as he needs 24/7 nursing care. To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. At any rate my spouse has long-term care insurance and I was able to place him in a lovely facility, specializing in dementia care. I still volunteer for the Alz. Assn. and feel very good about helping others.
Caregivers should always be a little selfish and take care of themselves in order to be able to take care of their loved one. If you feel like "walking on the beach", please do so or taking a cross country trip, that's fine too! Some do gardening (I love gardening) and others join book clubs. There are those who go back to work (full or part time) when a job is available. All of these things go to make us "whole" again and to know there is an unexplored universe out there.
Since my second spouse is in a nursing facility, I feel so lonesome but as soon as I get my & his tax papers together to be filed, I shall listen to my own advice and start getting on with life. My spouse & I are both in our seventies so I'd like to enjoy whatever time is left for me. I do not visit my spouse every day--maybe every other day so I can keep some time for myself. I hope I haven't been too "gabby" but my heart went out to each and every one of you.
I retired in 2008 to take care of my mom and and have a full knee replacement surgery.Now that she has passed I would like to do some volunteer work or even obtain a parttime job to keep my mind occuped. Open for any suggestions. Pat and McMillan
I'm still caregiving--and could not possibly continue to do it without the help of anti-depressant medication. Much of what I am reading in these posts sounds to me like symptoms of clinical depression; I know, because I've been there. Please schedule an appointment with your doctor and tell him/her that you suspect you could be clinically depressed. The medication is enormously helpful. There's no "high" or other drugged sensation involved--when it kicks in, you just start feeling normal again and much, much more able to cope. Hugs to all of you.
inthestorm - I have been here a while and will stick around, and, if you wish give you a verbal slap on the side if the head if you need it. ;) I have been and still am learning this lesson the hard way. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic and an emotional, energy sucking, attention-seeking, must be center of the universe vampire. In one form or another, I have been caregiving most of my 75 years. She is 100 and still going strong. Like Castle above, as I age, I find I simply cannot do what I could do - and, frankly, really question whether I should have been doing it anyway. However, that is water under the bridge. I have been fighting an infection the last few years which flared up when I first moved mother to an ALF, then after 6 months when she couldn't get along there, moved her again to her present ALF. At that time I told her the next move was to a nursing home if she couldn't manage in that ALF. Stress does my health no good -the infection flares up - so I have had to draw firmer and firmer boundaries. As a result, I am rebuilding my life in a form that works better for me.
Number one - look after yourself. I read about so many "young seniors" or "soon to be seniors" who are looking after a parent or parents and ruining their own health. I don't discuss things with mother anymore. I decide what I can and can't do, and let her know. She has not been diagnosed with alz or anyother dementia. She would have me run ragged doing things for her -things she can do herself, or others who are closer can do for her, or things that really are just normal blips in life, and do not need attention, or truely unreasonable things - like - this week bring down that chair I gave you - I want it back, and then changing her mind a week or so later. I refuse to do any of these things.
Please start doing what you have to do and claim your life back. For some of us it is a matter of recreating our lives even though our parent is still alive - of making our own wellbeing a bigger priority, and making positive changes in our own lives.
you too gsw92498 -start making some changes that benefit you. Get some help in. Over Christmas, my mother tried to drive a wedge between me and sig other -who is a very nice man, and helped with the moves. No way will I allow it, and I let her know that. She was very happy when my marriage broke up, as she thought that she would have me at her beck and call.
There is always the option of an ALF or NH. If there are no financial resources, or if they run out - medicaid will pay. I would never take my mother into my own home - she would ruin my life - her negative effect is bad enough at a distance.
Good luck and keep us updated. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan
I went from being girl friend, to partner, to Mom for Ed for 15 years,that he was on dialysis.11 of those years we did dialysis at home. We broke up and he moved out of state and died 6 months later,from cancer. It's been a year now, and yesterday I bought makeup for the first time in 10 years.Be good to your self. That is a learning process.
I'm having an awful time getting used to not having her here. She just passed about three weeks ago and now I have to much time on my hands. She lived with me so I was on call 24/7. When she would call my name I was there and I still hear her yell JOYYCCCEEEE. She would yell at least 11 times befor I could get to her, I counted it one day just for some fun. I have things I can do like sewiing, painting her ceramic urn for her delebration of life but I just can't seem to get goiong and I don't understand why. Any one go any ideas to help get me going???
I more or less recreated my life while caregiving for my husband. I had planned to retire and start my second adulthood with a career in grief coaching, a contract PT job and a PT job at the hospital. 9 days into my new life my husband had a massive stroke (14 weeks in hospital - one 30 miles away and one 180 miles away). I have continued my PT jobs, continued and signed on for more grief coach training - received my certification as a "From Heartbreak to Happiness" coach with my ideal clients being women whose partners are dying or have died. My husband came home after the 14 weeks (December 16, 2011) and has been here ever since. I was angry at the thought he was taking me away from my dreams and goals but I through coaching I realized he was actually helping me which released the anger. I wrote a book which was self published in print "A Caregiver's Story-7 Tips to Help Navigate and Find Balance". I have clients that I help to heal from the grief of a partner and remember who they are and what their life dreams are. Please don't think this sounds like it was so easy...it wasn't and isn't.I am very busy but I am still fitting in my dreams even though sometimes I hit the wall and crash a bit. I have to remember to take care of myself as a large number of people who caregive become very ill with chronic diseases because they feel guilty for taking time for themselves. Of those, some die before the person they caregive. I did not visit my husband every day in the hospital. I was becoming physically ill trying to do this. I discussed this with him explaining that if he wanted me to be there for him when he came home I could not manage the 5+ hours every day going to the hospital plus my jobs (financially needed) and taking care of the chores required to run the house (3 hour lawn cutting on a rider, heating with wood, living 6 miles from a 1500 pop community). I hear similarities with all of the posts.
For anyone with a bit of money, I was fortunate enough that when my health was terrible, I attended a program at Pritikin in Doral FL. They were able to take my blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar back down to normal ranges. I know how to eat and exercise to maintain that now. I felt that program was a miracle, but for those who lack funds I realize it is not possible. Although, they do mention that medical has approved to pay for part of it. So, if you are on medicare, check it out for yourself.
Also, you all already probably know of the free things that are offered by your community. As mentioned earlier there are offerings in churches and the library. The local hospital also offers low and no cost support for good health (lectures, courses, yoga, etc etc).
My best wishes to everyone. Every day and every night is a struggle for me and I hope you find the same strength that I seek.
'Great question! It got me back on this page - 'haven't hung out for two or so years (about the time my mother died). I cared for her (she was an invalid - we also had 35 hours of care while I was away at work). I had a very demanding job and her beliefs that I was the 'lowest of the low' became far worse as she aged. I am still recuperating (she lived with me and my husband for 6 years 3 months). I would not replace that time for anything; I learned a great deal about all sorts of things. Anyway, I eventually lost my job - in part due to the chronic stress of being a caregiver on my off-hours. As an older person myself, I found it difficult to find a new job. As it was, I ended up being able to revive my skills as a piano and voice instructor and have been teaching close to full-time with 2/3rds the income I had previously. I am just now mentally coming back... cutting wheat from my diet and eating 'real foods' diet has helped me recover. I was just thinking today about all the damage that can be done under such extreme stress... the sad thing was, as well, some of my siblings did not understand how much work was involved (partially because my mom had pride reasons for covering up how much she needed from me). 'Glad she lived happily here for those years (she escaped from a rest home to my home the last years of her life). It is rewarding - if your home is large enough to do it, and the care is not too extreme - do it! You will be glad you did. But be very careful... the stress can be very bad.
I am so sorry for you who have paid such a price. I am also so grateful for what you have shared. Mom is in the early to mid stages of dementia. She is in a high end CCR and soon enough will have to be in memory care. I now this is the only healthy option for me and for her as it means she will never outlive her assets, but the guilt is hard to deal with. I have a wonderful job and I cannot afford to give it up. I need it for my sanity as well as income and I would never get a job like this again (people wait years and never break in). I also had cancer (coincidentally?) while there were some heavily stressful caregiving issues going on. It is so easy to think I'll take care of her all the time and I'll manage, but I know that is not realistic. Your letters help me accept that and not feel so guilty. My head knows it's okay to do allow myself to be worthy of as much care as I would give to her, but my heart isn’t there. She is 85 and I am 51. She had a wonderful marriage for 40 years, I have only just begun a good marriage after 17 years of a bad one. She had kids, I did not get to. She never had to deal with elderly parents, I am the primary caregiver. If I saw this about anybody else I would know it is wrong to lose my 50s to this disease, but I still feel so obligated (Mom has trained me well!). Your letters help remind me what the cost would be if I don’t keep some balance and I am one of the lucky ones who has options.
Not to say that others are mistaken, but when my mom is gone -- which will not be soon -- the last thing I want to do is work with the elderly. What I want to do is walk on the beach each day like some demented senior beach bunny.
Inthestorm, are you sure you're not me???? It helps just to know you're not the only one. I could have written your post with a few twists. I feel my life is passing by so quickly. I'm pretty sure Mom has burned the bridges with my sister for being mean to her husband all the time. I made the choice, it is unappreciated, and I knew it would be just because Mom is that kind of person, and has always been. I need to realize that even though I have literally given up my job, my life, my free time, she doesn't notice or seem to care. She'll say things like "I don't want to keep you from doing things", but in reality she does. I really need to find some outside help. Thanks for this forum.
After twenty months of full-time caregiving for my MIL who died in December at age 93, I will be returning to work part-time, for my previous employer. I didn't expect that I would be returning to the workplace so soon, nor did I think it would be for my previous employer, but when they found out I was thinking about going back to work part-time, I got a call basically offering me a position. I'm a little apprehensive, as there are still many things undone with my MIL's house, possessions, etc. but this is likely the best opportunity I can expect within the near future, so I agreed to give it a three month trial. If it doesn't seem as though it's working out at the end of two months, then we mutually agree that I will continue on through the three months, but they will find someone to replace me by the end of that third month. I feel much less anxious since working out this arrangement with them. I feel as though it's an escape hatch if I can't adapt as well as I hope to, so soon. Since I had wworked there for several years before leaving to take care of my MIL, they also are giving me 4 weeks paid time off during this coming year. I feel very blessed and relieved, but still somewhat nervous and unsure. Just taking it one day at a time, and using mindfulness, to regulate my breathing and focusing. The suggestion about volunteering is excellent, as that was the direction I was planning to go until getting back into the working world. If all goes well, after I adapt to this position and feel like I have other things pending under control, I hope to do some more volunteering, too.
Just as I had made this decision and plan, another family tragedy occurred, but I am not letting it derail me. My sister's significant other died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 58. He was vibrant, creative and full of life and was fine one minute and gone the next. The autopsy report showed he had three blocked cardiac vessels, and he threw a clot. I am trying to help her through this, as she has no one else around, never had children, no other family around. Remianing mindful of what's important, and what has to be done and priortizing and otherwise keeping things simple seems to be the only way to get through. She waited a long time to meet someone so special to her, and she is so devastated. I run the Serenity Prayer through my head many times a day and think about warmer, happier days when we are past all this death and grief.
OMG, as the young folks say - this topic is HUGE. And completely under-recognized and helped in society. For 40 years, I have had responsibility for my youngest brother, born w Brain Injury, and now am working to hire my replacement (a local Geriatric Care Mgr), and turn my life around to maybe write a book about my experience, or struggle to figure out WHERE I want to work, and how can I sort the mess in my house so I can begin to think of a resume (and for where???? I can work at 6-7 different kinds of places, or study - I think like a Community Occupational Therapist, but all my insights were learned through close care for my brother over time - My experience is ahead of most healthcare professionals, but my formal education is not.
I offered to "help" my mother when she was 64, and I was 32, by taking my brother from home - and only later learned to understand the impact and extent of his disabilities, mostly overlooked because she sent him off to school neat and clean and fed. He was 24 when I took him, is now 60. He could walk and read at 7th grade level, but could not keep up with normal pace due to planning issues, coordination issues, neurological issues, memory issues - and later ever increasing mobility issues that disrupted all his programs because of falls, and he's now in a nursing home - AND, finally diagnosed w Brain Injury so he gets training in skills, leisure skills, reading, PT etc 4 days a week. I'm very proud of the lessons I learned in tracking progress and seeing things through to completion over all the years - AND, at 69 years old two days from now, I'm getting old myself - traveling the 5 hours to help him no longer works. So, I'm wrapping up his care, proud of doing that and asking for help - I just added (over objections of my other siblings) a local Geriatric Care Manager to watch over him in all his settings, otherwise, to lessen the degree to which each separate program only plans within their walls.
I could write a book in this post too, so I'll end here, and only say, I found some help by an Al Anon friend who suggested that I write down, my interpretation of what I see as a Higher Power (for me, a source of an ever growing universe) and also to consider and write down, how I often make decisions. That dual focus helped me take time, realize the importance of seeing myself within a growing universe, so I could value the need to give myself time to vascillate between different options, and take tentative, exploratory steps, to extricate myself and claim my own need for financial stability, respect, and choices.
inthestorm -stop doing so much, and arrange for your mum to go back to your sister's. No discussion -just it is happening. You sound like you badly need a break. We have the responsibilty to see our parents are cared for, but not to cater to them at our own expense. My favourite saying these days is by Paulo Coelho "Before you say "yes" to some one be sure you are not saying "No to yourself." Good luck! and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
I am working full-time and taking care of mom. I lay in bed and think about how much of my life I wasted (after work) prior to moving her in, but then again, I was free to make that choice. There is no freedom now and if I can find a silver lining, and if I survive all of this emotional desperation without cracking up, I want to take advantage of living when she is gone. But I am changed. I do not think I will ever be the same again. I give and give and give, and she never thinks what this might be doing to me. Well, she thinks about it, might say a few words like, "I need to get out of your hair," but then she is done talking about it. My sister finally agreed to take her back after she announced she was done over Christmas, but mom does not want to return to my sister's home. I take very good care of mom, more than I should, and my sister does what needs to be done without any extra sugar. The best place for her to be is with my sister just so that I can take a break, but neither want each other. What would you do?
Ladyonhill I too lost my job of 23 years when caring for my mom for those three years. I find volunteering in the nursing home very fulfilling. Some of those residents get no visitors at. My mom is lucky to have me there every other day, and it feels good to help the ones who don't. Of course that doesn't help with the "money situation:, but I work from home to take care of that.
I'm really having a hard time moving forward. My mom died 2 yrs. ago come March 30 of this year. My brothers and I took care of her in her home for about 2 1/2 years then following a fall, she spent her last year in a nursing facility. Even though she was there we all had the compelling need to be there every day. I lost my job of 20 years and for the past two summers have worked for a greenhouse, planted flowers and worked making bouquets for the last two seasons. The season is over again and I'm trying desperately to move forward. Now I feel broken. I've thought about volunteering somewhere, went for several interviews but no job in sight. It's so hard to move forward without looking back.
I have been basically working part-time and suffering the consequences (one part-time income) for the last ten years, being a caregiver to my mom til she passed and now my dad. He is in his own home but needs something from me every day, sometimes twice a day - dr's appointments, shopping, things around the house. My sibling is a respected professional in another state and not engaged. How can I get back that life that I lost? I take him to church on saturday and on Sunday try to work (I am a self-employed consultant) to make up for all the time I missed during the week, plus I sit at my desk every night to make up for time missed during the day. I could never date, no time, I have lost all my friends, no time. How can I make up for this time? My dad is 96 and although he is doing OK and I love him dearly statistically his time has to be limited. How can I reenter the real world? There is no payback for this time spent, except for the knowledge that it was the right thing to do, no estate. I live in a small town with limited services.
bzmom5393, the person I am taking care of thinks his has bugs in the house and bugs in him. he call the extension service to see if they could see about getting rid of bugs. The extension person called back(bug specialist) and I explained the situation and he was not surprised!!! he said he gets on average 2 calls a month from people who are convinced they have bugs, especially in their body and they being samples of pieces of rug and food and want the lab to test for bugs. I did not fell so bad after that.
Great question. I've given thought to life after caregiving, but, I know it is unlikely that I will be the same person I was 3-4 years ago. A very hard subject to get your mind around.
I'm trying to get my life back in order after caregiving my Mom for three years, one, going back and forth from my home to hers, and the next two full time at her home, with a break from companions and homemakers for five hours each week day. The companions and homemakers is a wonderful company for those that need assistance. That was the hardest two years of work I ever put in! This past May she had a hip replacement and her mind went even more from dimentia and aphasia. We were told she needed 24 hour care upon release from rehab. She is now in a health and rehab facility (long term care). I am happy with the facility, they treat her well. I, on the other hand developed some major health issues beside batteling breast cancer, I now have autoimmune disorders which are affecting my internal organs (heart and liver), and am in and out of the hospital. It's funny how things work out--I held on long enough to let my mom live at home for as long as she could, ignoring my own health problems to do so. I now don't have a good prognosis. I don't mean to be so long winded but I want to impress upon caregivers is PLEASE take care of yourself, I see so many posts with people just like me stretching themself to the limits. My mom's health is fine, she is 86 years old and I think she may outlive me!
I retired from my job and focused the last 2.5 yrs to be there for my Mom. At the age of almost 93, sadly she passed away on October 31. It has been a jumble for me ever since. I really appreciate this question and am hopeful to learn from others how to move forward. My progress is slow, confusing and a huge jumble of tasks, emotions, lack of focus and direction and a feeling that I'm not contributing much to anything. Where Mom was my TOP priority, today I have few meaningful priorities and am not so desperately needed as my Mom needed me.
I joined a bereavement group at the local Catholic church. They welcomed me even though I'm not Catholic. I didn't think I needed it, but my friend encouraged me and each week I go thinking this will be my last time sitting around talking about this bereavement process, because it doesn't help, but each week... it does help. Members have completely different stories and I learn something from others in the group. This past week, I felt the elderly woman who leads the group needed a hug and I had a chance to give her a hug. Something I have not been able to give to my Mom since her passing.
It's funny how things come to us in the most unexpected ways.
I attended a Goal Setting meeting at the local Library. It was thought provoking, but my goals are all over the place and still... a jumble.
Last night I did not sleep at all. I don't know what's wrong. I'm not sad, because I am thankful that I had so much time with my Mom and it was difficult towards the end.
Now I am dealing with her estate and there are a million little things to do. I feel like I'm walking in sludge... slow moving, small progress each day, millions of little things to do... it seems like it will never end. I know it will and I am afraid that there will be a BIG empty space when the estate work is completed.
Thanks again for asking this question. I am also looking forward to what others can share.
Knowing that it takes at elast 3 years to pull oneself back together, is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Emjo, bless you! If you can do it at your age, with your Mom being 100 [!!!!], and have managed to prevent her from moving in with you, and have set limits on her use of you, that is a huge WIN!
IMHO, all who even try to do care-giving, are Heroes!
EVEN on good days, or when elders are otherwise nice to be around, it takes lots out of a person, just having the responsibility of that elder under their roof, because one has to keep thoughts in mind of caring for the elder at all times.
When there are mental issues, be they new or old and on-going, just makes it that much more "special".
I have been care-giving nearly all my life, to one degree or another.
But my mental-Mom, living with us for 6 years, nearly did me in for the last time--straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak
dealing not only with the drama of transporting and hospicing her DH, caring for him 3 months longer than anyone thot he'd live,
with all Mom's life-long issues, then her worsening mental/emotional state that ended up with her achieving "cutting me from her herd" as she'd been trying to do for decades....she finally did it.
On top of dealing with my own DH and his issues/emergency surgery/ongoing care and behaviors, our kids troubles and issues
....well, guessing the Creator figured piling it up on some folks plates has a purpose.
SO right--gotta take care of self, first. I totally lost sight of that notion so long ago. For the 1st time in my life, am trying to do that.
Lots of hard work; not raised to know how to do that.
Tonite, I worked up gumption to call an old co-worker, and talk about things from that job, that had impacted all of us there....and learned that part of my problem, was thinking I was the only target at that office....she told me, "no, everyone there was a target of the boss's brain injuries--not just you!"
Wow.
Coulda knocked me over with a feather--was so glad to understand that!
Now, to process that, and translate that to other aspects of life....
[[Mom had brain injuries too, was abused as a child, and by subsequent spouses + alcohol+mental troubles from youth on, that family failed to get her help for, so she avoided help all her life. ]]
EVERYONE in her life was affected by her behaviors, not all in good ways
--good ways meant paying the price of her bad ways.
LOTS to process.
Will I recover my life?
Hearing it can take 3 years to deal with, is probly right---
THAT gives me hope.
The question and answers that followed, showed up in my email right about the time I was beginning to wonder if it was hopeless to even try finding the shattered pieces left from Mom's whammies before she got moved in with another relative.
===I truly appreciate all the sharing here! ===
It is helping me get a grip on life again.
It has been a lifeline
We're in a huge boat, all trying to paddle; having people talking about these things, helps keep the boat going in a more positive direction, instead of circles.
And it keeps giving hope.
Thank you!
Anyway, I am not sure about what my future holds. Hope i don't find out for a long time yet....I do need more adult/outside world friendships. This website has been great since I found it two weeks ago.
Caregivers should always be a little selfish and take care of themselves in order to be able to take care of their loved one. If you feel like "walking on the beach", please do so or taking a cross country trip, that's fine too! Some do gardening (I love gardening) and others join book clubs. There are those who go back to work (full or part time) when a job is available. All of these things go to make us "whole" again and to know there is an unexplored universe out there.
Since my second spouse is in a nursing facility, I feel so lonesome but as soon as I get my & his tax papers together to be filed, I shall listen to my own advice and start getting on with life. My spouse & I are both in our seventies so I'd like to enjoy whatever time is left for me. I do not visit my spouse every day--maybe every other day so I can keep some time for myself. I hope I haven't been too "gabby" but my heart went out to each and every one of you.
Good luck and God bless you!
Pat and McMillan
Number one - look after yourself. I read about so many "young seniors" or "soon to be seniors" who are looking after a parent or parents and ruining their own health. I don't discuss things with mother anymore. I decide what I can and can't do, and let her know. She has not been diagnosed with alz or anyother dementia. She would have me run ragged doing things for her -things she can do herself, or others who are closer can do for her, or things that really are just normal blips in life, and do not need attention, or truely unreasonable things - like - this week bring down that chair I gave you - I want it back, and then changing her mind a week or so later. I refuse to do any of these things.
Please start doing what you have to do and claim your life back. For some of us it is a matter of recreating our lives even though our parent is still alive - of making our own wellbeing a bigger priority, and making positive changes in our own lives.
you too gsw92498 -start making some changes that benefit you. Get some help in. Over Christmas, my mother tried to drive a wedge between me and sig other -who is a very nice man, and helped with the moves. No way will I allow it, and I let her know that. She was very happy when my marriage broke up, as she thought that she would have me at her beck and call.
There is always the option of an ALF or NH. If there are no financial resources, or if they run out - medicaid will pay. I would never take my mother into my own home - she would ruin my life - her negative effect is bad enough at a distance.
Good luck and keep us updated. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan
Also, you all already probably know of the free things that are offered by your community. As mentioned earlier there are offerings in churches and the library. The local hospital also offers low and no cost support for good health (lectures, courses, yoga, etc etc).
My best wishes to everyone. Every day and every night is a struggle for me and I hope you find the same strength that I seek.
Just as I had made this decision and plan, another family tragedy occurred, but I am not letting it derail me. My sister's significant other died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 58. He was vibrant, creative and full of life and was fine one minute and gone the next. The autopsy report showed he had three blocked cardiac vessels, and he threw a clot. I am trying to help her through this, as she has no one else around, never had children, no other family around. Remianing mindful of what's important, and what has to be done and priortizing and otherwise keeping things simple seems to be the only way to get through. She waited a long time to meet someone so special to her, and she is so devastated. I run the Serenity Prayer through my head many times a day and think about warmer, happier days when we are past all this death and grief.
I offered to "help" my mother when she was 64, and I was 32, by taking my brother from home - and only later learned to understand the impact and extent of his disabilities, mostly overlooked because she sent him off to school neat and clean and fed. He was 24 when I took him, is now 60. He could walk and read at 7th grade level, but could not keep up with normal pace due to planning issues, coordination issues, neurological issues, memory issues - and later ever increasing mobility issues that disrupted all his programs because of falls, and he's now in a nursing home - AND, finally diagnosed w Brain Injury so he gets training in skills, leisure skills, reading, PT etc 4 days a week. I'm very proud of the lessons I learned in tracking progress and seeing things through to completion over all the years - AND, at 69 years old two days from now, I'm getting old myself - traveling the 5 hours to help him no longer works. So, I'm wrapping up his care, proud of doing that and asking for help - I just added (over objections of my other siblings) a local Geriatric Care Manager to watch over him in all his settings, otherwise, to lessen the degree to which each separate program only plans within their walls.
I could write a book in this post too, so I'll end here, and only say, I found some help by an Al Anon friend who suggested that I write down, my interpretation of what I see as a Higher Power (for me, a source of an ever growing universe) and also to consider and write down, how I often make decisions. That dual focus helped me take time, realize the importance of seeing myself within a growing universe, so I could value the need to give myself time to vascillate between different options, and take tentative, exploratory steps, to extricate myself and claim my own need for financial stability, respect, and choices.
That was the hardest two years of work I ever put in! This past May she had a hip replacement and her mind went even more from dimentia and aphasia. We were told she needed 24 hour care upon release from rehab. She is now in a health and rehab facility (long term care). I am happy with the facility, they treat her well.
I, on the other hand developed some major health issues beside batteling breast cancer, I now have autoimmune disorders which are affecting my internal organs (heart and liver), and am in and out of the hospital. It's funny how things work out--I held on long enough to let my mom live at home for as long as she could, ignoring my own health problems to do so. I now don't have a good prognosis.
I don't mean to be so long winded but I want to impress upon caregivers is PLEASE take care of yourself, I see so many posts with people just like me stretching themself to the limits. My mom's health is fine, she is 86 years old and I think she may outlive me!
I joined a bereavement group at the local Catholic church. They welcomed me even though I'm not Catholic. I didn't think I needed it, but my friend encouraged me and each week I go thinking this will be my last time sitting around talking about this bereavement process, because it doesn't help, but each week... it does help. Members have completely different stories and I learn something from others in the group. This past week, I felt the elderly woman who leads the group needed a hug and I had a chance to give her a hug. Something I have not been able to give to my Mom since her passing.
It's funny how things come to us in the most unexpected ways.
I attended a Goal Setting meeting at the local Library. It was thought provoking, but my goals are all over the place and still... a jumble.
Last night I did not sleep at all. I don't know what's wrong. I'm not sad, because I am thankful that I had so much time with my Mom and it was difficult towards the end.
Now I am dealing with her estate and there are a million little things to do. I feel like I'm walking in sludge... slow moving, small progress each day, millions of little things to do... it seems like it will never end. I know it will and I am afraid that there will be a BIG empty space when the estate work is completed.
Thanks again for asking this question. I am also looking forward to what others can share.