I guess the simple answer is, set small goals daily. You may find that those goals are completely opposite of life before caregiving. Regardless... find satisfaction and do not give up! I get real excited when I complete goals small or large. And in all that you do, don't feel guilty for enjoying your day. I'm told its part of the grieving process. I'm learning that's true.
Hi Jakewright14... I read your story and thank you for sharing it. I'm impressed by your sweet unselfish giving to your MIL and your husband and your upbeat perspective. You are an inspiration to all of us that we can be giving and loving and that there is a way to find a lot of moral support around you!
We each have our lives and our family, such as we define them and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. If they want to be a part of caregiving, they can offer to help. Otherwise we all need to make the best of it, just the way you have. It is so nice to hear your positive perspective about your challenging and giving life.
I was a caregiver for 8 years and it has been challenging. Due to a lack of sleep many nights I have found my sleep pattern to be a challenge. The other thing is just my energy level, however, I have been struggling with iron levels. Is that due to the caregiving? Hard to tell since I never had it as a child, but it happened during the course of the years as a caregiver. I was an only child so I had my parents the last 3 years of their life in a beautiful assisted living facility. However, that did not relieve the burden, mom was still extremely high maintenance, now I just did not have to drive her anywhere.
I think its like the doctorate students I've worked with. They have been so intense in the last 6-10 years of their life with every thing revolving around getting their doctorate that when its over, they are lost. I think I can relate to that a little even though I have some new projects of my own that I'm delving into that take that "stillness" effect away.
When I lived in the hospital with my dad back in 2004 for four and a half months, I was literally up 20 to 24 hours a day because mom didn't drive and had demands of her own. I would say that it took me almost a good 5 years to recover to a normal routine, but then there was the last 3 years when mom got her psychological deep end with all the unnecessary hospitalizations (you'd have to understand the story of a narcissist) and then the dealing with dad on my own while working and he had dementia, and it was as if just as I was getting back on my feet, the cycle started all over again.
Now they have both passed an mom was back in March of 2012, dad 10 months prior to that. I have had to cope with the fact that as much as I loved well dad a lot and mom in her own unique way, I don't miss the dysfunction anymore. Sounds a bit selfish, but to be honest, I'm getting used to not having to lie to mom to bring peace to her life because of her selfishness. I like that I don't have to talk to staff and hear momma dramas. I like that I don't have to run to doctors, hear the lies mom told them, deal with her medication issues, wonder what game she's playing now, why she's being such a B*.
However, in taking back my emotional state of peace, I'm back to struggling with being tired, I hate doing any type of legal paperwork, anything business related. There are many days I just want to have NO ONE around and just be me and I don't get that.
I think it can be done, but what we have to realize its a slow process. Fortunately, I keep pushing through because I know I can overcome it, and now I like the task I have before me because it is finally MY CHOICE!!! Realize that it is okay to miss them, but it is also okay to be happy because you are free of that chore. I think that's where the guilt comes in. It's really okay to enjoy a day of no burdens.
Be well my friends!! If anyone is in Southeast Michigan, maybe we should talk more! :)
The first time as a caregiver to my MIL, I was working part time, plus raising two children. I thought I was going to have a nervous break down. No help at all from the rest of her children. In fact I got into a huge fight with her daughter when I asked her to help out more. She thought coming over every other weekend for a few hours was enough. When my MIL was placed into a nursing home, I upped my work hours and things went back to normal. Though it did take a while before my stress levels went down. Now I am caring for my husband, who has a different type of dementia, then his mother had. I did leave my job this time. I do keep connected to friends and family outside the home. I think I should be able to move on when this is said and done. As horrible as it is, I do have a lot of moral support this time around. And I know from the last time, who I can count on for help and support. After my MIL episode, I no longer am in touch with that side of the family. They have no idea what I went through with their mother and I doubt if they even care. They are useless and when my husband began to get sick, I asked him if he wanted his "family" to know and he said NO! I am thankful for our children's help and the help from my family and our friends. I learned there is life after caregiving from caring for my MIL.
While Mom was under our roof, I was barely existing. I volunteered for a couple groups that did not require too much time, but got me OUT of the house, INvovled wit community, even a little. Later, a few of those connections started becoming a tiny bit of business, based on training from years before--not regular, but gas money. Whatever skills or training could help find some kind of income. Finding the heart to start feeling better enough to do anything, can be a problem: that is depression. It needs helped. Counseling is a good thing; support groups, if any nearby, church groups you might be comfortable with, etc. Even a weekly sewing circle. Gratitude for what one has, even the tiniest things [hot and cold running water, a roof, a door, shoes, etc.], helps change focus from the dumps to a lighter mood.
To get back to life, and handling working, one needs some nurturing for themselves, too. Work's tough enough regularly, much less dealing with depression with it.
I have sstill not been able to get back to working a real job, so I have been volunteering to help others, as able. It's good for those helped, and good for me--otherwise, I might just never come out of my "cave".
One more advice of a practical nature. ESL teacher for adults. I attempted that too, started working as an aide for a pittance. It was so much fun and so rewarding that I started school to learn it. You do not need to know two languages to teach English as a Second Language but I speack English only fluently (I know two languages but not well enough). I gave up the dream for a desk job when I found one. I think though that if a job with benefits and cash were not available, I would (and did) work for perks. Volunteer at a Food Bank so you can take home free food, Teach ESL in a small private group that you organize yourself just to meet others in the community and share important things. Most of home is decorated from things I've swapped with friends I've met on freecycle. Grow vegetables if you have some sun, work for the joy of giving and being productive, and the universe will give back. Just not enough.
I'm not sure that the question was really answered. I lost my job of 15 years in 2010 which suited me just fine because my Mom started chemo; then found one for 6 months at the beginning of 2012 and then lost it due to the position being eliminated but again it was a blessing because Mom took a turn for the worse and I was the caregiver and living with her. I wouldn't change these last couple of years for nothing in the world as it gave me the opportunity to know her as a person, an individual, as my Mom for the first time in our lives. She passed on 12/27 and I have not yet been able to come to terms with this fact so I'm not putting all into getting a new job although I need one. I would love to do what Zoos says: work with shelter dogs or something like that. I would love to, but you need experience and I unfortunately I need some income. I have one son and I will like to at least be able to have some funds put away so I will be able to alleviate him from taking care of me when my time comes. Then again, who knows how HE will call for us. For my sake and my son's sake I hope it is quick when the time comes. Back to the question... how do you get back to reality and start living again?
I was disabled before taking Mom and her Hubby in. Having them here ran me down further. I tried to dip back into doing some of what I had been before being disabled, just to bring in a bit of needed income, and had a slip/fall accident that has prevented doing even that. HAve been managing to do a bit of different stuff, on volunteer basis, but that is sporadic, AND, can only be fit into what energy is left. SOME of it is beyond my capability, and just have to let it go. Just keep praying I have enuf inner fortitude to avoid calling emergency services--there's just not enough money, or me, left to deal with them. I do not want to burden my kids--nor do to them what mine did to me. EVER. Too late to find the proverbial iceberg to sit on to let a polar bear take me...but eventually, something will. MEANTIME, I keep doing what can be done, to be useful. Despite damages dealing with Mom.
After God made Adam he said, "I am going to give you a helpmate She will be called 'woman' and she will be your friend, she will cook for you, clean your home, be kind and gentle, be your helper, when you argue, she will be the first one to admit you are right." Adam said, "What would she cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can you give me for a rib?" The rest is history. Hope this makes you LOL! Enjoy the day....
Sylvia76 I am sorry for your loss. You loved and cared for your Mother for a very long time and what a wonderful daughter you have been. It will take time and you are so right about those baby steps. Any big change in our life can be overwhelming if we attempt too much.
You sound like you really have it together and that is probably because you know how to work through situations. How fortunate you and your Mother were to repair your relationship. That in itself is a huge accomplishment at any stage of our life. I am sure it made your Mom feel more loved that you cared enough to get things straight before it was too late. What a blessing that was for you both.
Your Mother would want you to enjoy your life now! Best of wishes and God bless!
I came to this site because I was at my wit's end with my mother. I eventually told her what I was doing because I was tired of feeling like I wasn't doing enough, when the truth was, I was doing too much. We worked and repaired our relationship, although because my siblings never helped, I was still worn out. We laughed our way through the difficult days, she apologized for hurting me and she passed away Jan. 10. I turned 40 in November. I had been caring for my mother since I was 23 ( I took a two year break for out-of-state grad school, only to find my sister trying to put mom into a home as soon as I had left, and succeeded in finding her a roach-infested senior living community) and in May 2010, moved her into a luxury apartment community with me. She loved it, and said so often, and she passed away here, with a half-smile on her face. I keep being told it is my time, but I feel guilty about not running errands for her, but she isn't here, and I feel a bit empty. I was at the point of quitting my job because between the stress of caregiving and working, I was falling apart. People have commented on a picture of me taken after Mom's funeral--I look happy, relaxed, and prettier than ever. I guess it really is my time. I just have to figure out what it means. Take baby steps toward your new life, as the new "free" time could be overwhelming.
Sooozi - Humor is sooo important! My facebook page is filled with funnies. My brother, who was an attorney for 30 some years, should have been a stand up comedian. I LOVE when he comes to visit - our sides hurt from laughing so much! Now you've given me the idea to go look up Joel Osteen jokes :)
My mom used to watch Joel Osteen just to get his joke. She would remember it and tell it to anyone who she ran into, just to have a laugh. It was a great example for me on how to be positive.
Right before she passed away, she said she had few friends and no one would come to her service. Well she was wrong about that... 80 people who loved her were there and they all said how amazing she was. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but I'm going on line right now to look for a few Joel jokes so I can share them with my friends. Then I'm going to look up Americares and figure out how to get moving.
Have a great Sunday everyone. Thank you for being here for me.
inthestorm - I know! Mom used to see all of her friends almost daily. She would go out to movies, the opera, ballet, or just for lunch or coffee or gossip. Her phone was always ringing, but since we've moved in together and she's become dependent on me, it gradually lessened. She's very sharp mentally, most of the time, but she does get depressed (and why not???). She has such great friends, when they remember her - a well known artist, a social worker (she's the one who came over), the widow of the man who was the voice of the Jolly Green Giant - lots of interesting people. But they slip away when you're a little more depressing to be around because you're in pain, or a reminder of what might happen to you, or because you just don't know what to say. I could tell them what to say. It would start with, "HI - want to go out for coffee?" She'd feel better in an instant. It's amazing what motivation will do for how you feel.
I see myself in all of the comments here. My mom is going on her 20 year with Alzheimers. She now resides in a nursing home. I took care of her with assisting a little at first to full-time caretaker for about 12 years. I visited her in the hospital yesterday and came home after two hours fully exhausted and very nervous. I am also a changed person healthwise and every other way. I am now 59 and still looking for a job, lost my career and any future goal as it's way too late to what I had started before my mom. I physically can't do most jobs as I hurt my hip and had to have total hip replacement while attending my mom. The one thing that people forget is to take care of yourself first.
Eve (eguillot): When someone visits mom, it takes a HUGE load off of my heart even if it is just for 30 minutes...so I hear what you are saying. I would be thrilled to serve cookies and tea if someone showed up. Family and friends seem to stay away because it is too painful and/or they are not equipped or in the mood rather, to deal with some of mom's stories--some of which are from outer space. Their excuse is that they do not want to disrupt my home by "just stopping over." Are you kidding me? Disrupt my home? I asked them if they would accept $10/hour and I wasn't kidding.
praying 15 Sorry you feel this way. I too feel like children today won't be able to care for us like we take care of our parents. I know that 1 out of 4 will make sure we are cared for! I will just pray for you! Here is a big hug to you...praying 15.
I will also become a ward of the state, and I don't care when it happens. There's not enough money and time to take care of my dad and myself both, so my dad gets taken care of. Last year I felt this tremendous pain and pressure in my chest and all I could think of was, Don't call the squad, you can't afford the medical bills. I grabbed up my Bible and went and sat down on the sofa and waited until it passed and figured, whatever will happen will happen. I feel like I have gone back to the Middle Ages, where there's no help or hope in this life, just work and worry, and the only hopefulness is the thought of heaven. Even when I am not caregiving anymore, I will still be financially devastated and I have lost 10+ years of my life. Oh well I guess I will get my reward in heaven. I know I will.
Remember guys...your parents took care of you now it is your turn and your kids should help you! I don't expect them to do all but I do have funds that can be used!
I got back into the workforce by "dumbing down" my resume. Worked at reduced pay at places that before wouldn't have hired me at all, calling me "overqualified". Now I have a job at good pay once again having rebuilt credible references that way, and then being lucky enough to meet a job recruiter - at a plain old temp agency no less! - who noticed a job skill on my resume that was lucrative. I also worked for Americorps for a year for a stipend of $1000 a month. All these little things give you standing in the business world, so try everything and don't stop answering the phone. The next call may be a job offer. (I don't however believe in sending out resumes to companies blindly.)
inthestorm - yes, that is me with my Mom, a couple years ago before she got too bad. We hadn't yet moved in together, so she was still pretty independent, but I was coming over a couple times a week to help out at that point. Today was a great day for Mom. She had one of her friends come over (who is MUCH younger than she is - even younger than me) and they went back to her room and were giggling like schoolgirls - it was sooo nice to know she was having such a good time!! I brought the two of them soup and ice cream and they chatted for hours. I honestly think that one visit did more for Mom's well being than any medicine could have.
equillot....hahahahah, you made me laugh out loud I needed it and it appears we have the same humor. I love that you have a pic with your mom (or I think that is you with your mom)...I might do that. My son, who has the same humor, said he is kicking me to the curb and I agreed with him. He has lived with my caring for mom (grandma) for years (prior to dementia which included broken bones, breast cancer, broken back)...you name it. He understands compassion but I still will not do this to him. My mom says, "Oh, he will marry a girl that likes you," assuming this is what one does with their lives...bust your butt and then bust it some more. I read others comments and find that some are deeper into heartache than I...and it makes me feel better and then I get sad all over again. I am going to figure out where I want to go before the brain goes assuming it will IF I am fortunate enough (or not) to live as long as my mom has lived and is still thriving despite the fact she cannot remember where the bathroom is...only a couple of feet away.
inthestorm - good point about what will happen to me when I get older. I think a bullet to the brain would be a good plan, but hey, that's just me. Seriously, though, I have thought that I need to get some long term care insurance, because I don't want my kids taking care of me. They need to live their lives - they're all very active socially, and I wouldn't want to curtail that or cause resentment because of it.
Thirdkid! I am also a third kid and am with you. I don't want to write a book about it. I want to stop talking about it, although I have and will continue to talk about it....
I went to bereavement group and planned to tell them I'm not coming back, because I don't want to sit around talking about it... I keep thinking there must be a better way to spend my time. Then we all told the stories and laughed a lot. It was amazing. One of the women called and asked me to meet her for lunch... perhaps a new friend. I hugged our leader. That was so sweet for both of us!
Yes, I want to walk on the beach. Tell jokes with friends. Go to the movies. Find new friends. Do new things. Dance. Yes... as old as I am (gonna be 60 on Tues... yikes!). Maybe a Zumba class.... crazy!
Talking about it here surely helped me. Hearing everyone's stories also helped me a lot and I am so thankful for this site. I do get a lot out of that, and also...
I need to talk about something else. Perhaps the opposite might be the right thing... little kids!
Just brainstorming here with everyone.
Perhaps hanging out with shelter dogs. Going to the Library with the intention of just smiling at people. Do I sound crazy? Somehow, we all need to get endorphins moving again. Find a way to laugh.
Is anybody thinking about what YOU will do when you become older and unable to take care of yourself? I would never do to anyone what taking care of my mom has done to me. I am talking about the act of continuously being responsible for another human being from bath to pills to food to dr. apts. There is so much and so much worry. Yes, in the end, I will feel good about myself, but when I am in the middle of it, as I now am, when I do not see an end, or worse, an end to me first because I am so tired of thinking about someone else all of the time, I stop for a minute and think of what I will do. I don't want to do this to my husband, either, so I want to figure it out now because time passes too quickly.
To beecindy - something to consider since you said you are scared about finances because caring for your mom is your job (both for love and financially) - if you were working for a company that was doing poorly and there were rumors of closing down and layoffs, what would you do? Would you start thinking about what things you do where time flies, things you love to do and that seem easy for you or make you feel passionate about? You write freelance - is this something you love to do? Could you take night courses or courses when your daughter is doing the caregiving? Definitely get out of the house and meet with people, talk with them and you never know what you might hear and opportunities that might present themselves. I too live in a one horse town (1500 people) in Northern Ontario - very rural. Just suggestions to be proactive because you know that your "job" is not going to be a forever one.
It helped to read this question and the comments. I left "my life" to move to where my parents were to take care of them. Mom died shortly after and dad died this past July. I wasn't expecting either to be gone so soon. Reading the comments made me feel not alone in what I am now going through so thank you
For many years I thought I was alone in making the choice to offer care to my mother-in-law (until her passing) and then my own mother, for the last 5 years. When I was younger, I was able to work part-time while providing, but these last three years took all of my time. Most people tend to look at you (especially in Florida where so many retire) to just 'find a home for her and live your own life'. It's nice to hear that I am not alone. Many of you have made these hard selfless sacrifices to 'honor your parents' and avert the high cost of long term nursing care. I applaud you and thank you for your devotion. We are a unique club. Now that my Mom passed away in November, I'm struggling with the need for income, change in my own health issues, and the need to cope with all the changes. I've given myself time and I'm trying to listen to my body, mind, and set realistic expectations. All easier said than done on many days. I will be going back to work part-time in March. All I can do is try. That's all I could ever do. Best wishes to all of you in your own journeys...find encouragement that you're not alone. I certainly have. Thanks for the discussion.
We each have our lives and our family, such as we define them and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. If they want to be a part of caregiving, they can offer to help. Otherwise we all need to make the best of it, just the way you have. It is so nice to hear your positive perspective about your challenging and giving life.
You are a rock star to me!!
I think its like the doctorate students I've worked with. They have been so intense in the last 6-10 years of their life with every thing revolving around getting their doctorate that when its over, they are lost. I think I can relate to that a little even though I have some new projects of my own that I'm delving into that take that "stillness" effect away.
When I lived in the hospital with my dad back in 2004 for four and a half months, I was literally up 20 to 24 hours a day because mom didn't drive and had demands of her own. I would say that it took me almost a good 5 years to recover to a normal routine, but then there was the last 3 years when mom got her psychological deep end with all the unnecessary hospitalizations (you'd have to understand the story of a narcissist) and then the dealing with dad on my own while working and he had dementia, and it was as if just as I was getting back on my feet, the cycle started all over again.
Now they have both passed an mom was back in March of 2012, dad 10 months prior to that. I have had to cope with the fact that as much as I loved well dad a lot and mom in her own unique way, I don't miss the dysfunction anymore. Sounds a bit selfish, but to be honest, I'm getting used to not having to lie to mom to bring peace to her life because of her selfishness. I like that I don't have to talk to staff and hear momma dramas. I like that I don't have to run to doctors, hear the lies mom told them, deal with her medication issues, wonder what game she's playing now, why she's being such a B*.
However, in taking back my emotional state of peace, I'm back to struggling with being tired, I hate doing any type of legal paperwork, anything business related. There are many days I just want to have NO ONE around and just be me and I don't get that.
I think it can be done, but what we have to realize its a slow process. Fortunately, I keep pushing through because I know I can overcome it, and now I like the task I have before me because it is finally MY CHOICE!!! Realize that it is okay to miss them, but it is also okay to be happy because you are free of that chore. I think that's where the guilt comes in. It's really okay to enjoy a day of no burdens.
Be well my friends!! If anyone is in Southeast Michigan, maybe we should talk more! :)
Now I am caring for my husband, who has a different type of dementia, then his mother had. I did leave my job this time. I do keep connected to friends and family outside the home. I think I should be able to move on when this is said and done. As horrible as it is, I do have a lot of moral support this time around. And I know from the last time, who I can count on for help and support. After my MIL episode, I no longer am in touch with that side of the family. They have no idea what I went through with their mother and I doubt if they even care. They are useless and when my husband began to get sick, I asked him if he wanted his "family" to know and he said NO!
I am thankful for our children's help and the help from my family and our friends.
I learned there is life after caregiving from caring for my MIL.
I volunteered for a couple groups that did not require too much time, but got me OUT of the house, INvovled wit community, even a little.
Later, a few of those connections started becoming a tiny bit of business, based on training from years before--not regular, but gas money.
Whatever skills or training could help find some kind of income.
Finding the heart to start feeling better enough to do anything, can be a problem: that is depression.
It needs helped.
Counseling is a good thing; support groups, if any nearby, church groups you might be comfortable with, etc. Even a weekly sewing circle.
Gratitude for what one has, even the tiniest things [hot and cold running water, a roof, a door, shoes, etc.], helps change focus from the dumps to a lighter mood.
To get back to life, and handling working, one needs some nurturing for themselves, too. Work's tough enough regularly, much less dealing with depression with it.
I have sstill not been able to get back to working a real job, so I have been volunteering to help others, as able. It's good for those helped, and good for me--otherwise, I might just never come out of my "cave".
I do not want to burden my kids--nor do to them what mine did to me. EVER.
Too late to find the proverbial iceberg to sit on to let a polar bear take me...but eventually, something will.
MEANTIME, I keep doing what can be done, to be useful.
Despite damages dealing with Mom.
She will be called 'woman' and she will be your friend, she will cook for you, clean your home, be kind and gentle, be your helper, when you argue, she will be the first one to admit you are right." Adam said, "What would she cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can you give me for a rib?" The rest is history.
Hope this makes you LOL! Enjoy the day....
Thanks to Joel Osteen Jokes
You sound like you really have it together and that is probably because you know how to work through situations. How fortunate you and your Mother were to repair your relationship. That in itself is a huge accomplishment at any stage of our life. I am sure it made your Mom feel more loved that you cared enough to get things straight before it was too late. What a blessing that was for you both.
Your Mother would want you to enjoy your life now! Best of wishes and God bless!
Right before she passed away, she said she had few friends and no one would come to her service. Well she was wrong about that... 80 people who loved her were there and they all said how amazing she was. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but I'm going on line right now to look for a few Joel jokes so I can share them with my friends. Then I'm going to look up Americares and figure out how to get moving.
Have a great Sunday everyone. Thank you for being here for me.
Today was a great day for Mom. She had one of her friends come over (who is MUCH younger than she is - even younger than me) and they went back to her room and were giggling like schoolgirls - it was sooo nice to know she was having such a good time!! I brought the two of them soup and ice cream and they chatted for hours. I honestly think that one visit did more for Mom's well being than any medicine could have.
I went to bereavement group and planned to tell them I'm not coming back, because I don't want to sit around talking about it... I keep thinking there must be a better way to spend my time. Then we all told the stories and laughed a lot. It was amazing. One of the women called and asked me to meet her for lunch... perhaps a new friend. I hugged our leader. That was so sweet for both of us!
Yes, I want to walk on the beach. Tell jokes with friends. Go to the movies. Find new friends. Do new things. Dance. Yes... as old as I am (gonna be 60 on Tues... yikes!). Maybe a Zumba class.... crazy!
Talking about it here surely helped me. Hearing everyone's stories also helped me a lot and I am so thankful for this site. I do get a lot out of that, and also...
I need to talk about something else. Perhaps the opposite might be the right thing... little kids!
Just brainstorming here with everyone.
Perhaps hanging out with shelter dogs. Going to the Library with the intention of just smiling at people. Do I sound crazy? Somehow, we all need to get endorphins moving again. Find a way to laugh.