My 70 yo husband definitely has some form of (vascular?) dementia- I realised over a year ago, when he started coming out with stuff that wasnt logical, got confused driving (he'd always been really competent). He's always been difficult, but dementia makes it worse, can't see how ridiculous he is as he becomes abusive over nothing. We have long silences as the mildest comment can provoke wrath: I'd been planning day out with granddaughter. I was paying, doing it all. Invited him if he wanted. He felt she was too young. Fine..well, I'll do it and if it all goes wrong, that's my look out. But when I discussed the places I intended to take her a few days on, he became furious ("you just say it to undermine me and rub my nose in fact that you're not listening to me!") He can watch golf on TV for 12 hours straight (gazing fixedly at screen, not texting or whatever) but when I inquire "oh, what did he just say?" I usually get a blank 'oh, I must have missed that!' Having given up work a while back, and completely reliant on him to pay housekeeping (shopping is utter hell, I feel guilty for eating!) I am trying to start little job leafletting. Again, mustn't mention it too much or he'll tell me I can pay all the bills - so it's got to seem like a pocket money thing! (I currently get £5 a week pocket money- grudgingly). (He just spent £500 on new golf clubs.) Only relax when he's out (golf is WONDERFUL!) He's so unfailingly negative- ask what he thinks about something - new dress, something you've made - and he'll thoughtfully observe all the bad points. NEVER get a compliment. Might get a grudging "I suppose so" if asked "isn't this lovely?" It's a tough life; I'm only 56 and feel I'm going under some days. Would be so lovely to have a sunny smile, bit of positivity sometimes, but guess it's all downhill. I feel like one of those Victorian women, employed as paid companions to horrid irascible old people!
Well, you've got a fourteen year age gap. It's hard to guess from your description whether that is early stage dementia, or depression (how long retired is your husband?), or fatigue, or other illness, or if he's just not paying attention. But I do sympathise with finding your wavelength diverging from your other half's.
Do stick with this forum, please - I'm sure you'll find it really helpful. I'm in the UK too and AC has been both a breath of fresh air and a tower of strength.
It's a 2nd marriage (15 yrs)- we each have own grown up kids (none together.) Granddaughter lives with my son & his partner, but I have her to stay sometimes (terrible ructions over this when she was tiny, but he's fairly fond of her now as long as she doesnt whine.)
I first suspected dementia after we drove to nearby town- he forgot where carpark was, was driving miles out into country saying "it must be round here" then got really angry and said we'd go somewhere else. And many subsequent really weird conversations- when my brother was offered a top job but it entailed lengthy commute- I was talking about long drive and he gave me a long, convoluted explanation of how he could do the whole thing by bus - only about 10 changes. Walking up canal last week, stopped to admire flats. Then walked a good mile, came to a building site and he said "there's the flat we were just looking at" !! He never looks 'alive' or bright any more, there's a sort of strange distant look, constantly, like he's not quite with it. (I contrast him with my mid-80s parents, who are frail and sometimes forgetful, but bright, normal folk.)
The house belongs to me (no mortgage) but with NO income (£10.000 savings) you have to be prudent. I wouldnt get any state benefit. There's not too many fulltime jobs for my age group. You weigh up the joy of freedom with the burden of 40 hours slaving in a min wage job (or eking out your money to eat if you don't get one)...there's no easy answer right now.
And I do have a sense of duty.
The meditation post was of interest. I think, too, that religion and prayer has a big part in helping you keep going.
Many thanks for replies. xx
Regarding the solicitor’s appointment, go on your own and get some legal advice. I would repeat that your husband’s control of your spending consists of Domestic Violence by most modern definitions. It’s certainly abuse. I didn’t specialise in Family Law, but I know that much! Don’t assume that he will charm his way out of this. If you want to follow this up, write some notes about specific instances. The solicitor will want specifics, not just ‘he always’ or ‘he never’. The property settlement may well mean that you only go back to full time work if that is what you want (and with a break and the right job you might even choose it). I also stuck with things because I didn’t want to lose my/our house/home. When forced into it, the new place rapidly became my OWN house/home, and now I have very few pleasant memories of the house I originally loved.
Don’t get stuck in this for the next 20 years, no matter what change you opt for. Good luck!
May I ask how long you and your husband have been married? Is your granddaughter also his; and what about the little girl's parents, where are they in all this?
What happened that makes you suspect vascular dementia?
As a general observation, though, I must say: this is 2018. You are a free agent. Decide whether your husband is ill and needs help (get some); or a right old sod who is making your life a misery (get packing).
But you say that "he's always been difficult" and that makes me wonder how much effort you should invest in this. Do try for a diagnosis as that will help you decide next steps.
If he does have dementia, letting him control the finances is a ticket to disaster.
I don't know how it works in the UK, but I think it might be a good idea to consult a Family Law attorney to find out what your options are.