So stressed with Dad living with me, losing ways of coping.

TG, new house rule: Your office is your place of business. As people wouldn't deposit dogs in your office at corporate headquarters, they can't do that at your home based office. Your office is off limits. Period. Let them stagger their shower times so a dog owner (not dog grandparent) is responsible for keeping watch over Fido.

One point made on this forum is frustration at parents treating adult children like kids when they live together. But the other part of this is that adult children aren't allowed to revert to children and expecting their parents to take responsibility for them ( and their kids and their dogs.) So...you should look at you and your wife handling the family the way you did with your teenagers. Logical consequences.

Nonononononononono...

You break out the carpet cleaner. You then take SIL by SIL's collar, lead him to the puddle, and hand HIM the bottle and the rags. Don't rub his nose in it, though. Not this time, anyway.

TG - I just read your post that your dad lets your wife dote on him at the same time that he lets his dog pee all over her house. Are you familiar with the saying familiarity breeds contempt?

TG - you are carrying a heavy load - a burden - and I think you don't like to make waves. And yet, I agree with Stacey that your situation is beyond little changes.

If your sibling has enough money to wine and dine your dad, then it seems to me that sibling has the means to contribute financially to the upkeep of his/her dad. From what you've said about your relationship with your siblings, it seems like you do not come right out and ask for help and they just do whatever they want.

Is there any chance that while your father is away you and your wife can brainstorm alternative living arrangements for your dad? For example, seniors sharing housing is becoming very popular ever since the economy tanked in 2008. It's like real life Golden Girls and it's not just widows doing it anymore.

How much longer do you think you and your wife can go on without any meaningful respite from your dad? I cannot imagine how it must feel to think you're going to get two weeks respite only to have your dad land on your doorstep after five days. I think that's a terrible way for your siblings to be treating you and your wife. Setting aside for a moment how they feel about you, their brother, what do they have against your wife that they would treat her so unkindly as to dump *their* dad on her doorstep whenever it suits them?

Tgengine, your last post included comments that revealed something more about your father. He doesn't want to do things but he likes to have your wife do them for him. There is it - like many men his age, he probably grew accustomed to having women do some basic things around the house, such as taking care of the pets. He still expects that, now of your wife.

This is I think an ingrained attitude, one that's hard to break, and it wouldn't be any easier if he was living alone. I really don't know what the solution is; perhaps others do.

And there's the added issue that you're his son; father and son disagreements and conflicts are possible - as others have written elsewhere, he still thinks he's the boss and you're the (adult) child who needs to accept his dominance.

I wonder how this dynamic will play out in decades as men who are stay-at-home fathers segue into old age and need care.

I am trying to be more positive. My daughter thinks I am being too harsh but she only sees him every so often and when I am not around he is chatty Charlie. She doesn't know what is BS and what is real. I know the difference. SO I am trying to be less pessimistic and more positive. It is hard. I try the tough love stance, make him do the things he is supposed to do. Someone wrote the other day that they did much for their parent and the parent felt as though they had no worth and nothing to do since everything was being done for them. The opposite is here where he love for people to do everything for him and expects it. So I try to get him to take responsibility but he refuses to take it because it has been done for him so much in the past. Simple things like feed his dog, only if I remind him because he lets us do it for him. My wife does it. Me I ask him to do it. At night he wont let his dog outside to pee, but he will certainly let my wife do it... me? I tell him to let his dog out (dog goes 12 hours without peeing sometimes). or he just opens his bedroom door, lets his dog out and we have to deal with it. It is not a cognitive thing, it is just plain lazy!

Dad left for 2 week to visit my sibling, yes I checked the car, yes I reminded him to feed his dog this AM, yes I programmed my GPS for him, yes I loaned him money, yes, I set his blue tooth up for him, yes I called him to come back to get the clothes he left behind. Yes my darling sibling will be taking him to shows and dinners etc.... So this is what it is like for divorced parents? Kind of what it feels like.... as he is leaving "I brought enough clothes so I don't have to do laundry there I can do it all when I get home" yeah don't put my sibling out using their washer and septic system....
Lovely AM, kids all up, he's up, I'm trying to get work done, and the dogs get put in my office so others can go get showers or go outside and yet the dog in my office pees on the carpet in front of me....... so I have to break out the carpet cleaner... as I am cleaning the SIL says "did he do something bad?"..... At least he is working on my yard right now.
One of those days...... Time to enjoy my daughters who are both home together for one more day!
Trying to get paperwork out the door today so I can enjoy the weekend...... My guess is 5 days and dad will be home........ Enjoy it while I have it.

Also, that's a big change for him to go from the three of you in the house to now having three adult grandkids and 3 dogs. That's a lot of commotion. As far as being chief cook and bottle washer, adult kids should be doing their part to keep order in the house. You're doing the kids a favor by letting them stay there - they can help with cooking and cleaning tasks. Think about bringing back chore charts and cooking dinner charts to get some order. I do wonder about leaving your dad in charge of the three dogs .... whether he may not be able to do it (cognitive issues) or chooses not to, you kind of have to deal with it from the standpoint that that doesn't work and some other plan needs to be used for dog care.

NYD, me too! TG, I feel your pain! Great idea about having your sister look with a new set of eyes, of what particular changes are happening with Dad! I Dream about having a sister to ship the Old Man off to! Depressed, you know it! However, I know that mine is situational, and I refuse to go on medication for that, but that's just me! I think you and I both know that our situations are beyond little changes. He's got to go, in order for us to regain our lives. We are working towards this goal! I hope you are too!

I'm surprised he didn't turn back around with his suitcase and flee.

The poor bloke's just got back from holiday to find dogsh*t on the upstairs landing floor and a house crammed with adult children (including his Dad). Shall we let him unpack?!

TG I don't like the sound of your Dad's withdrawing like this. Ask your sister to look carefully for any changes in his behaviour or conversation - sometimes it's much more obvious when there's been a longer gap since you last saw him. When is he off?

TG - I read every one of your posts from the beginning of this thread. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Your - father - is - driving - you - insane.

That your wife hasn't lost her patience with your dad after the way he treats her home is frankly amazing to me.

You - as a husband and a man - must do something different because what you have been doing for two years is not working. You must change because your father will not change.

If you yourself must drive your father and his dog to a sibling's doorstep, do it. How much longer can you go on like this? Perhaps the better question is how much longer do you want things to go on like this?

You mentioned your dad goes to church. Perhaps you should go see his pastor/priest and unload on someone who knows him and can start giving you some much needed help and spiritual relief. You are holding too much inside!

TG, I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again. You need to be in therapy. Your dad needs a cognitive evaluation. The fact that you appear to be "helpless and hopeless" in the face of this situation seems to indicate that you might be clinically depressed. Please, get yourself some help. Please!!!!

I hope the dog messes only happened that day while everyone was out, because if it was allowed to just sit and wait for you to come home you had every right to go ballistic. And TG, I honestly think that people don't feel that you working from home means you are more available (although that might be the excuse you believe), I think everyone treats you badly because you allow them to.

Vacation with my wife was very nice, not long enough. Came back to the house a mess. Daughter #1 and SIL at work, 3 dogs in the house and dad did not pay attention to them as he was asked to do. Dog poop upstairs, dog pee all over the living room. Thus cleaning carpets for an hour and picking up the mess. So much for a nice vacation. Daughter number 2 arrives home for the week. Still we are the chief cleaner, cook and bottle washer... fast forward 2 days and I spend the day in the ER with SIL who had an accident at work (day 3 at new job), thus no work done for me for the day. I have been working 6 days a week at 3 jobs...... getting old. I love my kids and I am happy to have them home but it is a bit tense. Now that everyone is working it is getting better, They are looking for a place to live. We went from empty next to over flowing nest..... The good news is dad is going to my sisters for 2 week (I figure 5 days). He is not saying much lately and I don't talk to him much. I guess there is some anger still roaming around in my head......
I never thought things would be this crazy. The down side is I run my business from home and everyone thinks I have all day to do stuff and all the money to do so.Dad still does not integrate with the grand kids except for diner. He tells stories but does not engage in conversation unless it is about him which makes it tough. On some level I feel sorry for him but on the other level he could help out a little more other than wait to be waited on.

Tegngine, I am in the same boat as you, having my FIL living with us these past 13 years, since his wife died. We did him a terrible injustice letting him move in with us, simply because he would be lonley, and that he didn't know how to cook. He definitely did know how to maje simple breakfast, and lunch, heat up soup and such, microwave Mrs Stouffer's and such, but it had always been his biggest fear, to be alone. So one week after we pushed our youngest child (21), out of the house and into her apartment, and she could well afford it, and was ready, he moved in, meaning that we had Never been alone in our marriage, as it was the 2nd for the both of us, and we each had brought 2 kids each into it, with us. Fast forward 13 years, and we've experienced the steady decline of him, gone through the treatment of his Lymphoma cancer, and slow and steady decline, and him being a millitant minded Narcissistic, which I was unaware of before he moved in, but it is basically like living in hell!

We, like you, are unable to leave him for more than a couple of hours, as he is a serious fall risk, since he does Nothing but watch TV all day long. A few months ago, I brought in PT and OT to help him gain back some strength from years of inactivity, despite our trying to get him up and out of the house, but at 86, he has and has always had zero interest in going or doing anything! , so we made some safety adjustments, he went through rigorous PT, 3 X a week, X 8 weeks, and we definitely saw improvement, but since they stopped coming, he has stopped his exercise program, and has wasted away even furtherand I wasn't going to be the one who nagged him to exercise 3 X a day. He is now barely able to walk unassisted, and must use his rollator walker, even room to room to steady him. So we are stuck and do everything for him, but we allowed this to happen, as seeing him struggle to do antything, we just took over, task by task.

Becauseof this, and we did make it clear, that he needed to improve, and begin doing simple things for himself again, we have decided to make serious changes, just to save our marriage and our sanity, so in the next 10 months, we are preparing our house to sell, mainly because my husband who has a back injury, can no longer physically handle the outdoor maintenance upkeep, which used to be his sanctuary and passion. And now we intend to find FIL a senior living situation and begin our lives after this 13 year servitude.

This would have been a completely different scenario, had it been my own Dad, as he was joyful, outgoing and appreciative, but my FIL is none of these things. He believes his biggest hold over us is the modest amount of money that he constantly holds over my husband's head, his "inheritance", but there is no amount of money that would make even one more year worth the hell he is to live with, so we are happy to have him spend that on living elsewhere, where he can watch TV all day, never go out, and continue holding us hostage. Bitter, yes, I'm very bitter, as his Narcissistic behavior has only worsened over the years.

I hope you truly enjoy your vacation with your wife, but make just a little bit of time to discuss other possibilities for your future! Good luck, I truly feel for you guys!

Mhm. I hope SIL isn't spending next month's pay check on it.

Deep breaths... Innnnnnn..... Ooooouuuuuttt....

So I am sitting here at y desk eating my salad for lunch, son in law comes in and says he and my dad are "going to grab a burger want to come?" Nice of him to ask.... I said "no, thanks, I have work to get done", so here is my dad, convincing someone else to take him out for lunch.... This after I transferred him money...... never ends does it...... 2 days to vacation......... 2 days.....

TG, I was thinking at the beginning of the week that if there is one thing that I really, really do kick myself for, it is having been so stupid and unenlightened as to take over feeding my mother's cat as early (and impatiently) as I did. It was mean of me, and I seriously regret it.

The subject came up in my thoughts because a newspaper story referred to that very famous study from a few years back, when twelve elders were moved into supported living and split into two groups. They were told different things about the level of care they would receive, even though the assistance available was identical for both groups. All of them were given a living, potted plant in their bedrooms. One group was made responsible for watering and caring for their plants, the other had it all done for them.

Anyway, blah blah blah, no surprise: the group who were encouraged to do things for themselves (including plant care) at the end of the study reported better levels for every single aspect of physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.

But between concern for the cat and my personal inability to stand the sight and smell of my mother flicking Kitty Yums or whatever it was all round the utility room, or the gunge left in the cat's dish after she'd 'washed' it, I just took over. Not really so much as a by your leave, looking back. Outcome: I made mother feel useless and irrelevant, and I stole at least 20% of the cat's attention from her, and this for the sake of improving catering hygiene for a creature that licked its own bottom.

Not my finest caregiving hour, really.

So. Since Daughter is there in case of any serious shortcomings or emergencies, encourage her to leave all canine care to your father. She will have qualms, and so will you; but assuming that these are able-bodied adult dogs there is comparatively little harm he can do them, and the responsibility will do him a power of good.

So dad comes to me and asks for money.... almost the end of the month.... He needs $150, which isn't much but "he has a bill out there he wants to be sure to cover", so how about watching your money all month and not going out to get oysters and dinners? It is just a vicious cycle.

Good news tho my son in law got his start date for his job Monday (fingers crossed).

Just having so many people in the house and what seems to be an open check book.......

Vacation is in 2 days..... yea! me and the Mrs. time! Problem is Dad will be home during the day by himself. All he has to do is let 3 dogs out at noon and 3. Put them on a leash and let them to their business and bring them back in. I know that is a lot to ask of someone who is living in your home and when one of the dogs is his.... I just don't feel I have to hire someone to do simple tasks for 3 days.... He will still have his meals made for him...... (Daughter will be here). So Saturday I have to have a sit down with him and explain how important this is..... He has never had to be responsible because everyone will do rather than wait.

Sara, I'm glad that your mother has somebody who appreciates her taking care of her. And I am glad that you have a mother who realises that the practicalities of life, like bills, still need to go on and does something about them.

As for the rest of the family... My mother always told me 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'

tgengine, I am in your exact situation but I am one of the luckier ones. My mom feels that she needs to take care of me too by helping with my bills. I really appreciate her for that but when I do try to validate myself of my caretaking, they tell me she helps pays your bills. I do an awful lot for my family by taking care of my mom. I make sure that the house is maintained, take my mom to all her appointments, cook, clean, laundry, and more importantly that she is safe in her surroundings. I have learned so much about eldercare and I am very honored that I am trusted to take care of her. I am so lucky because I don't ever have to pay for the bills of the house. If I did, I would be so incredibly poor. It's good that I read these posts because it makes me realize that I don't have it as bad. I just want to every so often hear from my siblings, thank you.

So, why do I say that? Because going to therapy changed my life. Before, all I could see were the road blocks. My therapist challenged my thinking, and I started to see the solutions. A VERY minor example (not having to do with the really life changing things like getting out of an abusive marriage, going to grad school, being a better parent). I was complaining one day that I had NO time at all to do any of the things that were important to me...at the time, I had three small children, yada, yada yada. He made me make a chart of where I had to be each day, from which hour to which hour. By doing this, I discovered that I had ONE FREE HOUR each Tuesday afternoon. He asked what I found most rewarding and relaxing to do. Go to the library! I can't tell you how many happy times I had during that one very precious and discovered hour.

TG, go to therapy. Trust me. Please!

While that is all a good thought it wont happen, he doesn't get along well with my BIL. and let's face it my sister isn't the easiest to get along with. I am sure she would care for dad well (apparently not so well the last time but that is another story). He is more active here because he had to be. I would love for him to go to be with her for a few months at a time, It would be good for him but he wouldn't have the accommodations he has here. Own living room bedroom bath (shared hallway with guests). Trust me, its a good life he has here. I may make more out of this than it is. It could be worse. If I had an office outside of the house I most likely wouldn't complain as much. I am just here 24/7. Planning on being on the road more this year. I get happy when I do travel but the cost doesn't fit into the budget right now and getting an office outside of the house isn't in the plan either. "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right'......

TG, just to indulge in a moment's flight of fantasy. If you sold your house and moved and didn't take Dad with you, what would become of him? Just suppose.

Because once you've supposed, the options for him that then present themselves may develop into actual possibilities.

T get him to your sister one way or another!! The break will do you a world of good!

Unfortunately no one will listen. I talk and talk until my ears bleed but no one listens. Maybe that is because the TV is too loud! Dad cant live on his own, no money, period. He has enough to pay his car insurance and health insurance. That is why he is here. Believe me I wish it would be close by. I ask and ask but he does what he has always done. I get mad, I tell him but it lasts for a day or 2. it is not cognitive, it is lazy. He admits he lets others do for him, so I stop....
I shop, I cook, my wife cleans, takes care of the dogs (his and mine and now daughters although she is good with hers). It is the close living arrangements. Finally I am taking a vacation. Only 4 days but is long overdue. He is due to visit my sister but "I'll have to see how my money is". Well he can just call my sister for it since he isn't paying her back for the car repairs. We are all stressed. My hope is he will stay with her for a while but I know it will only be a few days. She will take him out and entertain him, while I am the one who pays for everything else. To have a family meeting would be a gesture in futility. They don't care and they would only tell me what I have to do, then promptly tell him what I said. I have extended the olive branch too many times only to get it back broken and smacked with.
Sorry to vent here, much necessary. My concern is therapy wont help the situation. I do try to be nice, try to listen and not make smart remarks. I try to be understanding...... It is just frustrating when a grown adult refuses to be part of the bigger picture. He talks to everyone like he is contributing but, just like when people come over to visit, that is when he offers to help... once they leave nothing.... crickets....
I did finally sell the boat he and I bought, the guy has a lot of problems with it, most likely I wont get much for it.... I spent over $6K on it, dad put $2200 into it, I figure anything I get for it will go into a saving account for when he needs money but I wont tell him about it...... "Yeah, I am the bad child"..........

TG, I went through something similar to do with answering the phone. My mother was incredibly deaf. She had a good clear telephone voice, though, and a firm speaking manner - i.e. to anyone who called, she sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

I can't bear to go on... you can imagine how many people were told I'd moved, or left, or gone out, or wasn't interested...

I've only just come across this thread, not sure how I missed it. Dearest man, you need your father to leave your house and live nearby where you can visit him often and learn to love him again. He needs that too. It is a sad thing for an old man to live with people who don't want him there.

Get your family together for Thanksgiving. Your house, they can sort out their own accommodation, but they're coming to you and Dad for a change. Item One on the agenda: how is Dad going to be supported and funded in his latter years, now that it has proved unfeasible for him to be a tenant in his child's house?

I agree with Babalou that the current communication sucks. You shouldn't need to be secretive about telling the truth about what's going on. Generous and gentle, sure; but not secretive. I know there's your sister: who else would need to be consulted about what to do?

T, had someone TOLD him that you all wanted to speak to the exterminator?

In case you havent figured this out, you are living in a VERY dysfunctional situation. No one speaks up and says what they want, or what they mean.

You asked in an earlier post if you should go to therapy. The answer is yes. Your dad is either developing dementia, or has a longstanding cognitive/personality issue or both. You need better ways of coping.